Prepare Ye The Way

My brother flew into town two days after I called him and told him that my Dad's hospice doctor told him he had two weeks to live.  Even though we figured out that there's no way to know how much time my Dad has left, we do know that he's on the decline and that our time with him is diminishing.  So all of the things that we said we needed to take care of, we are taking care of finally while he's still clear and lucid and with us mentally.

In the time my brother and I had together, we got his application for USAA together.   We organized his living trust.  We put my brother in charge of his finances.  We had talks with him.  I feel much more secure about having everything in place should he pass sooner rather than later. 

My brother and I both realized that we had been a bit in denial that this was happening.  Clearly, I"ve been with my parents a lot lately taking care of Dad.  But the denial had been about my father getting better.  We just thought that if we followed everything we're supposed to follow that he'll get better.  Or if something was messed up that day, like his meds or food, then that was the reason he was declining.  Unfortunately, when someone's body is shutting down, it can be affected negatively for no reason at all.  It's hard to let go of the feeling that you can do something.  And for us, food is the biggest place where we try to exert control.  It's that way for everyone because we see food as fuel, as nutrition, as the element that makes us stronger, as health. 

So I'm going to commit to being less in denial.  To doing what's in front of me and to making sure that he has as smooth and lovely a transition into his next life as possible.  Peace.  That's all I want for all of us.

Cleanse 2012: Take Two

The theme of my life currently seems to be: "Shedding Weight."

I'm letting go of the things that are holding me down: beliefs, emotions, bad ways of communicating.  I need to cleanse myself again, not just for health this time.  When I tried the cleanse earlier this year it was only to repeat the health effects my cleanse last year had on me.  I tried to do it when I was travelling.  I wasn't committed.  IT didn't work.

Now it needs to be a spiritual, emotional cleansing as well.  My Dad is dying.  I have gained an extra 10 plus pounds in the past few months.  I need to get rid of that.  I need to take care of myself better.  I need to change my energy and focus.  I need to change the way people see me.  I need to change the way I see myself.  I need to be healthier.  I don't think I need to smoke any more, even occasionally.  I need to start running again and doing yoga.  I need to have a healthier balance.  I need to have a better relationship to my body.  I need to have a clearer focus.  I need to have clearer eyes.  I need to have clearer skin.  I need to just be better.

The Drummer is doing his own cleanse at the same time.  We decided that the cleanse will be our gifts to each other as we mark the milestone of one year together.  We just want to be better for each other. 

I'm ready for it.  I'm ready to make a plan.  I'm ready to organize myself and not just my father's health.

It's time.  It will be incredibly healing as I work on my father's transition to the end of his life.  I want to spend some time being quiet and reflective.

Life Marches On

Family tragedies might be happening.  Personal issues might abound.  Crazy shit might be occuring.  But the entertainment industry marches on. 

I am dealing with what might be my Father's final days or weeks or months and yet the deadlines for this year's TV studio sponsored writing fellowships are upon me.

Even though my Dad's dying, I still need to try to get my break in the industry.  It's a weird dichotomy.  And I'm admittedly ambivalent about it all.  I taught this year and was inspired by that.  I worked on these amazing plays for the Virginia Tech Shootings 5th Anniversary that were moving.  I wrote a great play this year already.  But I need a job.  I need a job that pays well.  I need to be working with people and I want to improve my personal writing skill set.  I need to exercise the muscle on a regular basis.  I'm also needing a break from all of the caretaking.  So even if Dad does last for a while longer, I can't just be his caretaker.  My Mom has to take some of that on as well.  Not that she hasn't, but she hasn't had to in the capacity that she really needs to. 

I'm also being forced into the adult role of person who won't have both parents living very soon.  And it's just time for me to step up as an adult in my professional life.  So many changes have occured in the past 1 1/2 years since I broke up with my Ex and I feel like it's leading towards me taking charge of my life in a way I haven't had to.  It's not like I haven't done things or moved to cities or initiated change in my life before.  But this is different.  I can't just be treated like someone's child anymore because I  will no longer have both people who made me their child anymore. 

I keep saying that the break up has changed me and made me a better person and writer.  And I know that the teaching has made me a better writer.  And I know that my father's imminent passing will do the same.  I'm ready to see what that looks like in my life and how that manifests itself. 

I am ready for change.

Thoughts from my 22 year old self

This is something I wrote as a part of my senior poetry/dance project in college about mobilizing the forces.  It's interesting how not much has changed in how I approach my work.  Enjoy.

Why aren’t students constantly producing original work? It isn’t for lack of space, need or interest.  If learning is the priority at this university and if professors want to see their students grow and develop in their four years here, then students need to have as many opportunities to learn as possible.  And if we are unhappy about the lack of focus of our particular departments, then the focus needs to be redirected back to our needs.  We must take initiative and produce work that comes from our needs and experiences.  Our creative work speaks louder than any complaint concerning lack of opportunity to perform or create work separate from department-sponsored events or productions.

And we must voice our need for more opportunities to explore our potential and expand the range of what we are capable of doing.  We need to ask our professors, who have an abundance of experience and knowledge, to challenge us constantly.  I am lucky because I know people who care about my growth as an artist and support my efforts.  I have professors who call me at home to make sure I am doing all right and not stressing out over projects like this.  But I had to approach them first.  I asked questions both inside and outside the classroom.  For example, I bugged Erik Ehn constantly in the green room, in Joe’s office, in Libby’s office, on his way into meetings—I think you get what I mean.  We must insist that our professors challenge us.  

If we want the arts to be more influential on this campus, we need to produce our own work and promote ourselves and the efforts of other student artists (those involved in visual art, music, dance, theatre and creative writing) working on this campus.  We need to talk to our professors and ask them to come see our work and critique it.  We can’t be afraid to blow our own horns when we get together to produce original work not directly affiliated with a department.

The work is not easy, and the process is always frustrating.  We cannot wait for the administration to take notice and provide us with the facilities we need.  We have to commit ourselves to making these learning experiences happen given the facilities and resources we have now.  Art can happen anywhere.

So get a group of people together and write something.  Find a space—a lawn, a sidewalk, the Brass Rail, the Rehearsal Hall—and (as Erik Ehn would say) “make it happen.”  We need to help develop our craft by exploring new possibilities and reaching new audiences.  The only way to do that is to practice the craft constantly.  If we always work on new projects we contribute  to a common, fresh energy that keeps the arts thriving everywhere, not just on this campus.  We cannot wait for opportunities to arrive, hoping that someone will someday discover our artistic genius.

Theatre is happening right here and now with all of you reading this in preparation to see this production.  There are no special lights or cushioned seats or state-of-the-art sound system or super-experienced performers.  We all created this.  Our production comes to you courtesy of risk, imagination, and desire.

Staycation

The Drummer is out of town this weekend with a friend.  They are road tripping to Arizona.  At first when he told me he was going, I kind of got pissed.  With everything going on with my family, I had this fantasy of spending time with him on Memorial Day.  Trust me, it would have been great.  I would have loved to have spent some time with him.  But I haven't exactly had time to get away and just take off, although I did drive up to Northern CA by myself last weekend (he was supposed to go, but forgot that he had a few gigs that weekend).  Then when he mentioned this trip very non chalantly, I lost my shit. I was annoyed that he was going away with someone else.  But he mentioned that my schedule had been crazy and that I was going away by myself.  Although let the record show that it was supposed to be the two of us, but he remembered that he had these gigs.

And he reminded me that I had these writing projects.  And I think he just wanted to get away.  I wish he had just been a bit more straight up because then he got on this train of thought saying that he had mentioned it to me.  I really don't respond to that sort of passive aggressive talk.  He knew he didn't mention it to me and I called him on it.  But when I got over my anger about it, I thought about the fact that I would have no obligation to anyone other than my Dad for a few days. 

He just left a couple of hours ago.  And I'm in our bed and really happy he's not here.  I have been feeling so neglectful of our relationship because I've been dealing with my Father's illness.  And I really have a shit ton of work to get done (which is why I'm blogging, obviously).  I love my boyfriend.  I think he might truly be one of the kindness people I've ever met.  And I love sleeping next to him. . But all of that wonderfulness is distracting.  It feels so much better to be around him and to suck his dick than it does to create some fantastic script out of the ether.  But if I can't have the dick, then I might as well be productive.  Although we did make up for it earlier by fucking like crazy and going though four different positions.  In the morning.  That should hold both of us over until Sunday.

So I'm going to get up early, which I always do when I'm by myself.  And I'm going to write. . And get a work out in and maybe go to the spa.  I'll probably go to bed relatively early tonight so that I'm refreshed.  I'm trying to be good to myself by sleeping as much as I can.  I feel like sleep completely changes my perspective of life.  Life seems hopeless if I'm sleep deprived.  What a difference an extra hour or two can make a night.  It feels good to give that gift to myself.

Then on Friday through Sunday when I don't have to be with my Dad as much, I can just luxuriate in having time to get my writing done.  I'm not one of those writers who talks about writing and doesn't write.  I just wrote a new play in three months. I'm writing this TV sample and then I'm going to write more TV stuff.  I like to keep a healthy amount of diet and exercise in my routine.  When it comes to being creative my diet is all the stuff I'm reading and watching. . It's my fuel.  And my exercise is my writing.  As long as I keep on my regimen of diet and exercise, I'm good to go.

Can't wait for my staycation.  I'll be romancing myself plenty.

Before I Start Throwing Things

It's a real struggle to deal with my father's health issues.  I feel like I'm climbing an uphill battle with his resistance to change, with his reluctance to eat better, and with his desire for things to remain the same.  However, the big struggle I'm having right now is with my Mother.  My brother and I are aware of my Father's condition, his medication, his diet and the things he needs to do to maintain a level of comfort.  He's never going to be well or cured.  But I think we could give him some good care in his final days, however long those final days will extend.  But in order to do that, I feel that we need to maintain a certain level of health and that enjoyment of food doesn't need to be a daily diet of fat, red meat, cheesy, deep friend goodness.  It can be fresh and flavorful yet light and healthy.  It can be robust without busting a gut. 

I can't do that without my Mother's support and she feels like giving my father comfort solely involves indulging him.  But it's not just indulging him, it's being afraid of him, of not doing the right thing, of having regret.  Her actions are based in fear.  I just ask that she monitors certain things so that we can indulge him and not feel guilty.  She shouldn't take him to the supermarket so he can look at all the things he can't have.  She shouldn't over tax him by asking him to walk around the supermarket.  It seems that everything I ask her help in doesn't get done.  It actually gets ignored. 

Today I lost my shit.  I was out of town this weekend and I didn't ask too many questions about what happened or didn't happen when I was gone.  Frankly, I didn't want to think about it.  I don't have time to worry about it because I've got another script to finish.  I wanted to focus on seeing my students and catching up with people.  I just needed some space.  And I had that.  So today when my father said he was hungry and wanted something else to eat, I had to hunt around the house for food.  My mother didn't do any grocery shopping when I was gone.  I figured that she didn't leave the house because she knew it would be too tempting for my father to be around food and that she didn't want to wear him out.  My father asked for hot dogs, which I knew were too high in sodium.  So I went out to the garage where my parents have a second refrigerator.  I checked the hot dogs.  Yes, too high in sodium.  But then I hunted around.  There were some frozen burritos that weren't super high in sodium, but that had beans (bad for his gout) and/or potatoes (high in potassium).  I thought that maybe there were some turkey burgers he could have.  No, he didn't want those.

But as I was checking my parents other freezer, I realized that the burritos were new.  I asked my Mom why there were burritos in the freezer.  She said she got them for her lunch.  I told her that I still didn't think she should have anything that could possibly be tempting to my Dad and that those weren't good for her either.  I told my Dad what his options were.  He asked for canned corned beef.  No, I said. Then I realized that those burritos were new, they were bought while I was gone.  I confronted my Mother and asked her when she went to the supermarket.  She had gone with my Dad to the supermarket yesterday to a store 30 minutes away from my parents house to get some things for him.  I saw red.  I explained to her that she went to the supermarket 30 minutes away and took my father when she could have taken him to a Ralph's or a Trader Joe's to get food for him that he could eat.  There weren't any healthy options, so he started asking about unhealthy options.  There was hardly any food period.  I didn't understand how she could have misused her time.  How she couldn't even pick up healthy options at this supermarket.  I was so livid and I knew that if I didn't get the hell out of there ASAP, then I was about to say several things I would regret.  So I left.  It was the kindest thing to do.

And maybe it's time to let my parents make their choices.  I have other things to do.  They are adults and are perfectly capable of knowing what is best for their personal well being.  I can't force anyone to see things my way.  If that's what they object to, if they would rather that I not give my opinion, then maybe it is time for me to step away from the situation. 

Happy Weight

When you've gained weight and happen to be in a great relationship, people say that you've gained "Happy Weight."  Happy weight.  Ugh.  I've probably gained 10 pounds since dating The Drummer.  I love him and it's terrific and all, but we're both a bit heavier than we'd like to be.  We're starting a cleanse after Memorial Day to get ourselves into shape.  It's going to be our gift to each other for our year anniversary.  We need to give ourselves the gift of great abs.  I'm feeling so not motivated lately at the gym.  I think I need to start running again.  I keep saying that, but I haven't gotten any more motivated lately.  It's about being active for me and not just being in a gym lifting something heavy over and over again.  I need to run and do yoga,  things that make me sweat.  And I need to go to the spa and I need to get massages and treat myself right.

I need my outside to reflect what I'm doing for myself on the inside.  I'm starting to cleanse myself of some pretty crappy behavior and beliefs.  It's time to cleanse my body of other toxins as well.  With all of my Dad's stuff, I've started being really careless about food again.  And it's an easy pattern to get into, disregard your own personal health because you're being someone's caretaker.  And food is comfort for me.  It's my friend.  It makes me feel good.  But I need to start changing some of that behavior.  Awareness is a beautiful thing. 

I also need more energy.  With all of the caretaking, I'm not getting as much sleep.  My sleep isn't as good as it has been.  I need my body to function more efficiently so that I can do everything I need to do.  I need to start therapy again. I know that so much is going on inside that I need to start processing that.  Therapy is very necessary.

The take away is that I'm seeking health.  I'm seeking out ways to make myself feel better.  Healthier.  I'm carrying extra weight around, extra personal baggage and I just want to shed it.  Yoga used to be highly therapeutic.  I think it could be that way for me again.  I'm feeling schlubby and I need to develop a plan to get out of that.  I want to be a powerful presence and it only takes a little effort to get there. 

Consider this "I'm Back 2.0."