What I'm Crying Over (other than my Father's recent death)

I had a therapy session yesterday with this new therapist.  This is the second time I've seen him.  We had this whole conversation about my need for control.  It started out when I asked if he could formalize our sessions by asking a question.  And he kind of challenged me on it, which I didn't appreciate it.  I discussed my need for control in a time where there isn't control.  And he said I was asking him to take care of me.  Okay.  I accept that.  I would have appreciated it if he would have just done it and then used that as a jumping off point to discuss why I feel I need to speak up for my needs.

I do have a sincere need to take care of myself right now.  I think that's perfectly okay and acceptable.  I was obviously put off by the conversation.

But in that need I have for control, I've been crying over a lot of things lately.  I cried about my grandmother in therapy yesterday.  I told my coming out story to her and about how she (as a devout Catholic) told me that God doesn't make mistakes and that he made me gay for a reason.  I've cried over episodes of Designing Women that I've been You Tubing.  I watched The Help, which I hadn't seen before, and I cried over that.  I've cried over Hugh Jackman's opening number from the 2009 Oscars.

I think I'm crying over those things to let some emotion out.  It's like I'm trying to let out a little bit of emotion at a time.   I don't know if this need for control is such a bad thing right now.  I need structure and discipline and something I can count on right now.  I don't need everything in my life to be a mystery to me.  Honestly, I know that the sadness will come at some point.  I don't know where or when or how.  But I know it's coming.  And I'm open to it.  But I also want things around me that help me stay busy and active.  It's not a distraction.  But it's a vessel for me to focus my energy. 

I felt like I was being criticized for that and I didn't like it.  I know the tears about my Dad will come and I know they'll be at some point.  But I'm not trying to force anything.  I'm taking this experience moment to moment.