I had chorizo and eggs for breakfast. It's a beautiful day in LA. And I'm still a little disappointed from last night. I also slept in. For me that's 9:30. I know it's New Year's Eve, but that's what sleeping in feels like to me. I'm not a wake up at 1 PM kinda gal.
I went to LACMA with my best friend yesterday. Her Mom works there, so she showed us around all of the different exhibits. I've been to LACMA a bunch of times, but it was nice to get a guided tour. I love that my best friend understands so much about art because her Mom taught it to her. And I love that her Mom still acts like her daughter is six: "Look at that, _____! Did you see that, _____? Are you paying attention, _____?" It was the best.
Then we went to the restaurant at LACMA and had a little wine and snack. Ran into a good friend of mine, who's a well-known Asian-American actress. Let's call her Karla. Karla looked amazing as always and I always love seeing Karla because she's from Hawaii and whenever I see her I think about my Dad's side of the family. It's like having a cousin you didn't know you had. But I had to break the news that the Ex and I broke up. It was awkward, but she said the same thing everyone else has said:
"Weren't you together like a REALLY long time?"
Yes. Five years. We were together for five years. I just did this thing on Facebook today called "My Year in Status." It compiles a bunch of your status updates into one document for 2010. And it was interesting looking at what Facebook had chosen randomly. A lot of it was about "my man." Waiting for my man. Working downstairs while my man works upstairs- that's modern love, I guess. Need more dude time with my dude. Up early at Urth Caffe with my man - he makes the douchebaggery more bearable.
I have to admit. I'm really nostalgic right now. I miss "my man." The guy who was my man at least. I guess it's appropriate. It's happening on New Year's Eve. I should be reflective today on the year that passed. Normally, I wouldn't have to think much about what we were doing. I knew we'd be together. The first year we went to a party at Reichen's house in Culver City. And it's not like I'm just saying Reichen because he's a one-name star like Cher or Madonna. I just don't remember his last name. I got drunk, threw up when we got back to his house. And there was apparently a bunch of nasty gay activity that went on that I don't remember.
Another year, we had people over to the house. Made a big dinner. That was great.
Then there was the year we went to the party in Berkeley. We drove up the coast and found our favorite sushi restaurant called Harada. Loved that place. Great memories. Spent the night with Andy Samberg and the male cast of SNL. I guess not "the night" although I would have totally blown Jason Sudakis. Just saying.
Last year was another group thing. I'm not going to be mad at myself for missing him.
My best friend's Mom remarked yesterday that I seemed so cavalier about the whole thing. Even though we had been together for FIVE YEARS (as people keep reminding me). I don't know if the five year thing is a shock because it was so long and why would you break up after that amount of time. Or if it was unbelievable that I stuck around for five years. It was five years I was happy to spend with that one person. Until I wasn't. She seemed to be shocked that I just had enough and left.
I suppose some of that attitude came from the fact that I'm still trying to hold it together. I'm trying to have some dignity about the whole thing. Maybe some big leveling dose of depression is still to come, which New Haven has hinted at. I don't know.
All I can say today is that I'm looking across the 5 freeway and I see beautiful mountains and greenery. I'm in a place I wouldn't be staying if I was still in a relationship. Most likely, I'd be inside today. Waiting with the boyfriend. For him to get up. I might even miss out on New Year's Eve. He would be depressed for some reason. He would probably get mad at me for something small I had done, which would seem to wreck his day. The clock would strike midnight. I might be in bed by then. Or downstairs feeling resentful and looking at guys on Grindr. Or I might go out anyway, like I did on Halloween. Because I was sick and tired of missing out on fun because going out to me meant policing. And that would probably instill a great deal of anger. And I'd get texted messages telling me to come home and accusing me of being a bad boyfriend.
If I hadn't left, I would most likely be breaking up with my boyfriend on New Year's Eve. How depressing. And sad. And tragic. And definitely MORE TRAGIC than breaking up with someone two months earlier on Halloween.
Which I did.
All of a sudden, I'm not as depressed. I've had a good two months. And maybe I look cavalier because my head is held high. Because I actually do have dignity again. This two months has been good because I've been up and down, happy, sad, angry, distracted, slutty, pretty, fantastic, a wreck, a joy to be around and a horror. But at least I've been comfortable in my own skin.
I miss him a lot less now that I did at the start of this thing. I guess writing this blog IS a healing experience.
Friday, December 31, 2010
The Right Thing to Do?
New Haven just left. We had a great date. Wine and cheese. A Pinot Noir from Oregon and cheeses and spanish ham from Surfas in Culver City. Some sliced Roma tomatoes with basil and avocado from my parents' tree. Then a nice dinner out. Then we tried out this new wine bar. Lots of flirting along the way. Great talks. Then he comes up and finds himself on the bed while I'm in the bathroom. He's playing with the dogs on the bed. It's all very cute. We make out. A lot. And then he decides not to spend the night.
Why do I feel a bit disappointed? Because it's the fourth date and I think I should get some. Does that make me a whore?
And now I'm doubting myself. Am I going too fast with this thing? I like him and I want to say that I'm taking it one step at a time. But maybe I'm forcing it. Maybe it needs to be more organic.
The good thing about sleeping alone is that I can crawl into bed in my blue sweatshorts by Gypsy 05 and relax. I can listen to music. I can cuddle with the dogs.
Maybe I'm not ready to have a man in my bed. Maybe New Haven senses that and is being mature. Maybe I'm making too much out of this. But right now I just feel rejected. And I shouldn't because the rest of the night was amazing. I should just go to bed, it's late already. I'll have some new perspective in the morning.
After I make myself eggs, spanish ham and baguette for breakfast. Myself.
Why do I feel a bit disappointed? Because it's the fourth date and I think I should get some. Does that make me a whore?
And now I'm doubting myself. Am I going too fast with this thing? I like him and I want to say that I'm taking it one step at a time. But maybe I'm forcing it. Maybe it needs to be more organic.
The good thing about sleeping alone is that I can crawl into bed in my blue sweatshorts by Gypsy 05 and relax. I can listen to music. I can cuddle with the dogs.
Maybe I'm not ready to have a man in my bed. Maybe New Haven senses that and is being mature. Maybe I'm making too much out of this. But right now I just feel rejected. And I shouldn't because the rest of the night was amazing. I should just go to bed, it's late already. I'll have some new perspective in the morning.
After I make myself eggs, spanish ham and baguette for breakfast. Myself.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Gym Update
I've been running. My sister in law and I went for a few good runs while she was in town. Still thinking about the LA marathon. But will most likely just be a half, if they offer that option.
Been at the gym. I've been going to the Pasadena LA Fitness and I have to say that I really like that gym. Maybe it's the windows everywhere. Lots of light. Maybe it's the fact that it's never busy. Maybe it's the hot guys.
There are a lot of hot, white, athletic looking dudes who go to that gym. It's not crazy gym rats. And it's not Weho Queens. It's not actors. It's just hot jocky suburbanites. Some of whom are gay. I won't tell you how I know that.
It's a feeling. Maybe a rubbing. But mostly a feeling.
Hitting the weights hard has been good therapy. I want to look hot. It's a part of the transformation. And not hot in that Weho way. Or in that too skinny actory way. I certainly don't want to be a puffed up gym rat. Athletic. Like I take care of myself, but in a healthy way. Kind of like a hot jock suburbanite.
Oh, so that's why I like this gym. This is what I'm aspiring to. Okay, that works.
Been at the gym. I've been going to the Pasadena LA Fitness and I have to say that I really like that gym. Maybe it's the windows everywhere. Lots of light. Maybe it's the fact that it's never busy. Maybe it's the hot guys.
There are a lot of hot, white, athletic looking dudes who go to that gym. It's not crazy gym rats. And it's not Weho Queens. It's not actors. It's just hot jocky suburbanites. Some of whom are gay. I won't tell you how I know that.
It's a feeling. Maybe a rubbing. But mostly a feeling.
Hitting the weights hard has been good therapy. I want to look hot. It's a part of the transformation. And not hot in that Weho way. Or in that too skinny actory way. I certainly don't want to be a puffed up gym rat. Athletic. Like I take care of myself, but in a healthy way. Kind of like a hot jock suburbanite.
Oh, so that's why I like this gym. This is what I'm aspiring to. Okay, that works.
Crushed Out
I'm totally crushed out.
And yes, I know I should like a valley girl or a surfer from the 1980s. I'm an LA native. I have no shame in that.
So while I"m dealing with that, I'm going to just refrain from speaking about it. It feels a bit too soon to be this crushed out. And yes, I'm not substituting "crush" for another word. But it's just super unexpected. I actually like someone. And he's completely understanding about where I am right now. He seems happy for whatever happens and it's not indecisiveness, either.
I've never been here before. A guy who's totally available. Who I happen to like. It's usually more of a struggle.
I don't know why I think I should just be in more pain. I still have this thing where I think that the more suffering I feel, the deeper the love was. It was a deep love. No doubt. But I'm also in the middle of a huge sense of relief. Doesn't mean I'm not sad. Doesn't mean it was easy to leave. But when I make a decision, that's kind of it. And it usually takes me a long time to make a decision.
It's raining again in LA. I think it's making me reflective. I can't believe I haven't talked to the Ex. It's a good thing, but I just wanted things to be different. I think I'm worried that he hates me. And no one wants to be the bad guy.
But no one wants to be in a relationship that isn't working either.
And yes, I know I should like a valley girl or a surfer from the 1980s. I'm an LA native. I have no shame in that.
So while I"m dealing with that, I'm going to just refrain from speaking about it. It feels a bit too soon to be this crushed out. And yes, I'm not substituting "crush" for another word. But it's just super unexpected. I actually like someone. And he's completely understanding about where I am right now. He seems happy for whatever happens and it's not indecisiveness, either.
I've never been here before. A guy who's totally available. Who I happen to like. It's usually more of a struggle.
I don't know why I think I should just be in more pain. I still have this thing where I think that the more suffering I feel, the deeper the love was. It was a deep love. No doubt. But I'm also in the middle of a huge sense of relief. Doesn't mean I'm not sad. Doesn't mean it was easy to leave. But when I make a decision, that's kind of it. And it usually takes me a long time to make a decision.
It's raining again in LA. I think it's making me reflective. I can't believe I haven't talked to the Ex. It's a good thing, but I just wanted things to be different. I think I'm worried that he hates me. And no one wants to be the bad guy.
But no one wants to be in a relationship that isn't working either.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Did I play baseball?
This has to be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard in my life.
"You've got some serious legs. Did you play baseball?"
Okay, I've never even remotely thought that I could EVER pass as butch. But I think that this person, who I met at the gym and was no doubt coming on to me, implied that my legs were somehow manly.
Here's my response:
"I'm a marathoner. I run marathons."
He nodded his head as if to say "Right On." Two dudes at the gym, pumping iron and talkin' about the athletic things they do.
Before I opened my mouth to say the following, I thought better:
"I was also a dancer in college. Ballet. Jazz. Modern. Lots of leaps. You should have seen my legs in tights. I was skinner back then, but my legs have really held up. Muscle memory. My legs? Plies. Grande jettes. All barre work."
THANK GOD I didn't say any of that. But this masculine guy in his early 40s with salt and pepper hair and a hot body came up to ME and asked ME if I had played some sort of competitive sport. And it was BASEBALL. Those guys have killer legs. Tree trunks. He thought MY legs were tree trunks. Athletic. Grrrr. ME!
Well, if he figures out who I am and reads this blog, he will certainly not even remotely think that I'm manly. But it was nice to fool someone for a second.
"You've got some serious legs. Did you play baseball?"
Okay, I've never even remotely thought that I could EVER pass as butch. But I think that this person, who I met at the gym and was no doubt coming on to me, implied that my legs were somehow manly.
Here's my response:
"I'm a marathoner. I run marathons."
He nodded his head as if to say "Right On." Two dudes at the gym, pumping iron and talkin' about the athletic things they do.
Before I opened my mouth to say the following, I thought better:
"I was also a dancer in college. Ballet. Jazz. Modern. Lots of leaps. You should have seen my legs in tights. I was skinner back then, but my legs have really held up. Muscle memory. My legs? Plies. Grande jettes. All barre work."
THANK GOD I didn't say any of that. But this masculine guy in his early 40s with salt and pepper hair and a hot body came up to ME and asked ME if I had played some sort of competitive sport. And it was BASEBALL. Those guys have killer legs. Tree trunks. He thought MY legs were tree trunks. Athletic. Grrrr. ME!
Well, if he figures out who I am and reads this blog, he will certainly not even remotely think that I'm manly. But it was nice to fool someone for a second.
What are YOU doing New Years Eve?
It will be either "New Years Eve. A Cup O'Noodles." Like Carrie in S&TC1 or I'll go do something. I haven't quite figured it out. A big part of me wants to do brunch or a fun lunchtime party. Then just spend the night watching old movies by myself. That might be a good thing.
I won't be kissing anyone this New Years Eve. Well, at least I won't be kissing New Haven. We both agreed not to put that pressure on ourselves. And that doesn't mean that last night's date didn't go well. It went super well. I don't want this blog to all of a sudden be just about the guys I'm dating. Even though a part of rebuilding does have to do with starting over in that department. We had the tamales I made with my family, some black beans and a field greens salad. He brought the wine.
I will mention the things that are clicking:
1) He talks about his feelings a lot. And I love that because I probably talk about my feelings more. And it's nice to talk about things that matter. Other than just art and culture and the daily news. I love those things too. But I don't want to just be having a relationship with a news ticker. I need some humanity.
2) We didn't wait until dinner to make out.
3) He's really unassuming. He's got an Ivy League education, but he's not a snob. Like DVF said on Bravo's Watch What Happens the Other Night, "I don't like pretension."
4) We held hands in public. I grabbed his arm. It was natural.
5) I get to cook for him.
6) There's no pressure. We both understand that I'm in a strange place right now. Really in transition. And the last thing I should be is tied down to another man. But he's a great partner in crime. And I don't mean partner in that way. We are having fun. And I'm completely myself.
So the date went well. Everything went over well. And I'm not obsessing. I'm just smiling from time to time throughout the day thinking about how relaxed it all was.
Back to New Years Eve: No Pressure. I want to see friends at some point during the day, but it doesn't have to be at night.
I won't be kissing anyone this New Years Eve. Well, at least I won't be kissing New Haven. We both agreed not to put that pressure on ourselves. And that doesn't mean that last night's date didn't go well. It went super well. I don't want this blog to all of a sudden be just about the guys I'm dating. Even though a part of rebuilding does have to do with starting over in that department. We had the tamales I made with my family, some black beans and a field greens salad. He brought the wine.
I will mention the things that are clicking:
1) He talks about his feelings a lot. And I love that because I probably talk about my feelings more. And it's nice to talk about things that matter. Other than just art and culture and the daily news. I love those things too. But I don't want to just be having a relationship with a news ticker. I need some humanity.
2) We didn't wait until dinner to make out.
3) He's really unassuming. He's got an Ivy League education, but he's not a snob. Like DVF said on Bravo's Watch What Happens the Other Night, "I don't like pretension."
4) We held hands in public. I grabbed his arm. It was natural.
5) I get to cook for him.
6) There's no pressure. We both understand that I'm in a strange place right now. Really in transition. And the last thing I should be is tied down to another man. But he's a great partner in crime. And I don't mean partner in that way. We are having fun. And I'm completely myself.
So the date went well. Everything went over well. And I'm not obsessing. I'm just smiling from time to time throughout the day thinking about how relaxed it all was.
Back to New Years Eve: No Pressure. I want to see friends at some point during the day, but it doesn't have to be at night.
Virtual Vision Board: On the Street Where I'll Live 2
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