The Master Cleanse

This second half of the year for me is all about reinforcing the things I learned about myself in the first half of the year. Once I ended my relationship, my career started to take off. In the past month or so, I've forgotten some of those lessons because I started to get nostalgic about the relationship. Finding out that my ex has moved on with a new boyfriend has really made clear that that part of my life is over. And it's good to know that I can't go back to it, even in my head.

The first half of the year was about work. The second half of this year is a return to that. I took a bit of a respite because work was so draining. But now it's time to get back to it. And if the psychic I met last month had accurate predictions, things are about to get busy. I've decided to cleanse myself a bit from a few things in my life. And that will be a lot more difficult than just restricting myself from certain foods.

• No one night stands. As I type this, I get scared. That includes hook ups. I'd rather not say "celibacy" because I'm going to masturbate. But I'm going to go into gyms, korean spas, supermarkets, parties and other public events with no agenda to hook up. And I'm not going to hook up if the opportunity presents itself. I've never done this. I've thought about doing it, but I've never done it.
• Sobriety. I've done three sober months in the first six months of the year. I don't need alcohol. I've had some booze in the past month. I realized that I don't need it. It's fun, but I'm not getting wasted. So if I'm not getting wasted, then why drink at all? And I don't mean that to say that I should be getting blitzed. I mean that to say that I'm drinking to be social, but it's having no real effect on me. So if I don't need to drink to forget or cope, then why am I drinking?
• Whole 30. I'm going back on the Whole 30 for at least a month to see how I do on it again. But this time I'm going to do it as a culinary challenge. I'm going to focus on making recipes and not on the health benefits. I want to have an adventure with the types of recipes I can make. I want to do different culinary things. There are things in my diet that I like that I'm going to try and replicate. 
• Meditation. I start a three week meditation course on Monday. That will jump start my practice again. I need to be meditating at least once a day. It does such good things for me and that's what my body and my mind want to do. They want to spend more time in silence.
• Exercise. The last time I did my Whole 30, I hardly exercised. I want to see bigger results this time around, all around. And I think that exercising will help me get there. The things that work for me are cardio--spinning, dancing and running. I'd like to try to evolve and add more weight training to that. But more hard core circuit type stuff and boot camp type stuff. I've changed my mind and now I want to change my body so I can change my mind even deeper. I need to look different to support how different I am.

When my Dad died, I shaved my head to signify how different I felt. Now I want to change my body to feel how different I am. I have my Cize workouts that I can do. I have my gym membership and the spinning that I love doing. I should go back and take spin classes to at least get me disciplined. I'm thinking of swimming at the local gym as well to just test out how that makes me feel. Doing laps. I want my body to change and I want to see a different person in the mirror. Not out of vanity. But because I need to see a different person looking back at me to show me the change I have made. It's not just about something superficial like a haircut or a tattoo. It's literally morphing my body into something different to show the change that I've made.

I'm realizing that the ex didn't make all the changes after our relationship ended to hurt me. He made those changes because that's who he really is. And I've made changes to show who I really am. We were not being our true selves together. And I don't need to write him to tell him that. It's enough that I have written it here and that I know. I'm forgiving myself for not feeling adequate enough to keep him. And in forgiving myself, I have forgiven him.

I am grateful for the understanding in my heart.

I am grateful for the things I know about myself.

I am grateful to be in a new place in my life.

I am grateful to be truly happy.

I am grateful.

Systems: Losing Ten Pounds

I was 190 pounds at my heaviest last year.
The heaviest I had ever been.
My friends said they didn't notice.
They are either lying or my father was right when he said that I
could carry my weight better as an Oriental because
we had lighter bones.

I felt different.
It didn't matter what other people said.
I felt sluggish.
I could feel my stomach stretching.
I felt uncomfortable.

So I did a few things:
I tried to stop drinking my calories as much.
I tried to not eat as late and as heavy.
I exercised, but I always exercised.
Exercise wasn't making the difference
because
I love to eat!
So I had to adjust portions a bit,
but more importantly for me,
I had to
eat better.

So here's my goal with my weight in 2014:

Lose ten pounds to get my weight down to 165.

Yes, I could say that I want a six pack
or
I want to fit into smaller pants
or
that I want more guys to check me out
or
any list of things.
But if I set up some systems to lose this weight
I will reach more positive goals
than
if I just say I want to lose ten pounds.
It's limiting.

Setting up a system to accomplish this goal
and countless others
I haven't even thought of
is a much better plan.

So here's what I can do to accomplish that goal
(which I'm going to stop mentioning it so that I don't limit myself to just that goal):

• More grains like quinoa and oats into my diet.
• Legumes, more protein in general.
• No late night eating.
• No soda (we just got a soda stream, so I'm going to use that to make club soda and flavor it)
• If I do have a little soda, use the soda stream because it's no high frutose corn syrup.
• Vodka, no beer if I drink.
• No preservatives.
• More water.
• Exercise five times a week.  That can be anything.  Running or weights.
• Meditation every day (this includes running).
• Sleep.  At least eight hours.  Earlier if I can too.

I am grateful that I can make these changes to improve my mental and physical health.

I am grateful that I can engage my brain in these activities to keep it active as well.

I am grateful that I am realizing this now to maximize the benefits of living this way.

Saying Yes To EXERCISE

I have my routine.  I go to the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  Then I give myself the weekend to rest.  It's my part time job and I'm starting to treat it like work, which is what I'm doing with a lot of things in my life.  Since I don't have a formal job I'm getting paid to do right now, I am making as many things that I do a part of my regular schedule.  This is to make sure that nothing in my life is just a hobby, but a job.

It's my JOB to work out.

I work out mainly to clear my head.  It makes me feel like I'm constantly cycling out the toxins in my body.  I'm sweating.  I'm LETTING GO of fat.  I'm LETTING GO of this idea that I won't have the body that I want, which translates into the falsehood that I can't have the life I want.  So I'm practicing the action of putting forward what I want by letting myself have it.  Each push up is a YES.  Each pull up is a YES.  Yesterday my chest said YES over 200 times and my back said YES over 150 times.  I'm saying YES to the body I want and the life I want.

YES sounds like a mantra (and YES, it does sound like a mantra).  These things help me.  Each YES culminates in an action that gets me one step closer to who I want to be.  It sounds all new agey and shit, but it works.  And it's better than the ways we say no to ourselves countless times without thinking about it.  So to counteract that with an intentional YES means that my goals are less and less impossible one YES at a time.

My boyfriend came home from tour a few weeks ago in the middle of the night.  It was dark and I was asleep.  He hadn't been home in ten days.  When he crawled into bed, he grabbed me like he always does.  We love to be cuddled up in each other all night long.  It's the first time in my life where I have been able to do that.  It's a complete surrender--a LETTING GO, if you will.    So he comes home and he wakes me up with kisses.  Then he feels around and he says that I've been getting more solid and slimming down.  In ten days?  That seems impossible.  But it wasn't because it happened.  It reminds me of a Zen saying I'm incredibly fond of.  You have to be here now to be there then.  That basically means, don't think too far ahead in the future.  Just focus on being in the moment because if you focus on that, you'll find yourself at your destination before you know it.  Just goes to show how precise the Buddhists are because Be here now so you can be there then covers it much more concisely and articulately.

Even that was a lesson.  Just by going to the gym every day, I was saying YES to something.  And sometimes I might not even know what I'm saying YES to.  I'm just going to the gym and doing my sets and reps.  I know exactly what I'm there to do, so I don't have to think about it too much, which means I don't start doubting myself and start stopping myself.  I just go from exercise to exercise, a few YESes here and a few YESes there.

When I look at myself in the mirror at the gym I do have a sense of vanity.  I like what I see.  I like seeing the muscles working and being productive.  It's a reflection (pun intended) of my own productivity on a larger scale.  Because my boyfriend notices my hard work and my mirror notices my hard work, I feel validated.  I feel a sense of purpose.  And that sense of validation has made my desire to fool around (totally allowed in my relationship) when my boyfriend is out of town less desirable.

Because I said YES to exercise, I realized that my horniness when my boyfriend was out of town came from a place of needing to be validated.  Since my boyfriend wasn't there to tell me how cute I was or to show me affection with a hug or a blow job or my fucking me, I needed to get it by showing off in the showers at the gym or jacking off with a stranger.  I would mask the lesson by saying that I needed to get off or I needed some excitement since he was out of town.  When I was with my Ex, I would say that I needed to do it because it was a stress reliever because of the turmoil I was dealing with at home.  But it all came down to a need to be validated.  And once I really started saying YES to exercise, I was validating myself.  I didn't need it from an outside source.  That's not to say that I won't ever fool around when he's out of town.  But it's less motivated by validation or I'm motivated less often by my motivation.

I suppose you could say that I'm just getting older and our libido changes.  But even that means that priorities are different and that I'm living with enough experience to finally figure out why certain things bring me pleasure and why certain things in my life have outlived their usefulness.

And if all of that self reflective mumbo jumbo doesn't work, then I can be happy with my bigger chest and bigger arms and flatter tummy.  It works on that level too.

Pageant Weight

I was holding my nephew, waiting for my brother to take a picture...

"Hold your stomach in."

Ugh. I've gained some weight. I'm in a happy relationship and I've put on that dreaded happy weight! Damn!

It's nothing that anyone would notice except for my brother. And my friend Victor, who said that I looked like I had LOST weight. Although I think he was being sarcastic or a saboteur. I haven't lost weight. He might be mocking me, too.

And having a little extra weight for this reunion is fine. I looked great at my high school reunion. But I have to take the weight off for any TV meetings. That simply won't due.

My weight fluxuates a bit. I really don't have any real issues around it. But I can feel that my stomach feels big. To me. So that's when it's time for me to slim down. I need to be a good 15 pounds lighter than I am. I've put on muscle, which is terrific. But I need to get rid of whatever I have in the middle.

The Drummer and I are supposed to be on the same page. Right now, I think he's looking way better than me. I need to get to running. The no cardio thing is not good. I haven't had time for my dance classes, which I think affects things as well.

My friend Tracee was Miss Memphis when we were in grad school and she lost a good 20 pounds which she didn't need to lose for normal life, because she looked too thin. But in pictures and for pageants, she looked terrific. I just need to be at pageant weight in the next month. That's all.

And with the nice boufant that my hair is right now, someone will look at my svelte bod and my full head of hair and say to me, "I hope you win."

I'd better win. I'm a winner!

Cleanse 2012: Day Four

Yeah...I'm a bit bored. I think I need to be doing more to push myself in this cleanse. I definitely think I need more exercise. I just don't feel very motivated. What I need to do is create a real schedule for myself.

This cleanse is going well. I realized that between travelling back and forth, being in a new relationship and the holidays...I've packed on ten pounds in the past 3 months. I'm not happy with the way I look right now. Fortunately, I am exercising four days a week and really trying to do something about it. But just like my life for the past three or four months, I haven't been in the competitive spirit. I've been living life as a college professor, which has been amazing and enlightening.

But, as I've said in the past, this is showbiz. Get to the gym! Put down the chips! And get down to fighting weight!

What I have done with the teaching and being with the boyfriend has really nourished my soul and has put me in a great frame of mind. I know what's important to me and I have a clearer vision of how I want to live my life. I have done away with old ways of thinking. As the tarot said, "the serpent has outlived his purpose." I have done a lot of work on myself and will continue to do more. However, once again:

THIS IS SHOWBIZ. It's not show friends, it's show business. Fo 'sho!

I need to do what it takes to get what I want in life. I want a real career. I want happiness with someone who I love and support and who does that same thing for me. I don't have time for someone who doesn't have the capacity to give me the support I need. And no one should put up with me if I can't do that for them. That's the real priority. With support and love in my life, I can soar. And when I give that to my boyfriend, he should be able to soar as well.

So with this readjustment, or recallabration, I should be able to achieve what I want to achieve. I want a happy, successful, collaborative creative life where I go back and forth between theatre work and television and film work. Both should be satisfying and reinvigorating. I want my outer appearance to reflect the discipline and confidence I have. I want my body to be healthy inside and out. If I concentrate on what I put in my body, I will have great results. I also have to focus on the information I take in. The literature I read. The ways I spend my time. None of it should be full of empty calories, just like none of the foods I put in my mouth should represent empty calories. It is all fuel...for the mind, body, soul, spirit and attitude.

Everytime I go to the bathroom I see the toxins leaving my body. That is the image I have with the areas in my life that need cleansing. I have to look at the shit, take a good long look at it, and let it go. The serpent has outlived its usefulness.

Cleanse 2012: New Ways to Exercise

Here are some things that The Drummer and I can do to get each other in shape:

Yoga - he's got yoga mat and six yoga classes as a gift from me and it's time for him to use them. Plus, it's great mental focus.

Aerial acrobatics - I am dying to try this. My friend Dave did it with his now wife last year. I want to do it for two reasons: 1) I've never done anything like this before and it's very Cirque de Soleil; and 2) the class is only gay men and hot ladies. Fun.

Kickboxing/Boxing - I want to get my inner aggressor and bring him to the surface. I think it would be a great workout.

Krav Maga - Along these lines, my friend Tin has done Krav Maga and thinks it's something to do. I'm game.

Running - I need to sign up for another marathon. So I want to get training.

Groov3 - it's a hip hop dance workout that's similiar in format to Zumba. But it's amazing! And a fun place to sweat it all out. Need to get back to class for sure!

Let's start 2012 with a big bang and get those six back abs because I want to wear hot swimsuits or nothing at all that the beach this summer.

Cleanse 2012: Day Three

Today is the 6th month anniversary for me and The Drummer. The past six months have been amazing. I'm in love. He's terrific and I think we're continuing to get to know each other as people. But we both feel very fortunate to be together.

We were at the gym today and talking about the changes that we want to make in our lives. We both want to get even more fit than we are. I want to lose some weight and gain some muscle. The Drummer wants do lose some weight, get more cardio, and get bigger. We both want to be hot for each other. But the other thing is that we want to make a commitment to continue to do things with and for each other. So we were in the middle of our workout this afternoon and we both said that we wanted to be in better shape in the next six months.

To commemorate our six months together, I said that we should give ourselves the gift of committing to our health so that when we celebrate a year together, if we're lucky to do so, we should celebrate it in a healthier way than when we started. So to that end, he's going to be doing this cleanse with me, or at least as much as he wants to. It's a significant change to have someone in my life who wants me to be better and also wants to do that with me. And it just means that we have more time to spend together and support each other.

But it also means that we have a goal for our next six months together. I like that as a present to each other: another six months of good health and fitness and time together.

So today we worked out, which was excellent. We did a quick 40 minute full body work out.

My energy is feeling good. I'm not really having any dips in energy. I start cutting out sugar next week, so we'll see how things change then.

I'm not too hungry. I'm dealing with that. And my mood and spirit is great. Feeling good.

Tonight we're going out for Sushi as a celebration of our anniversary. I'm excited to plan what kind of exercise activities we want to do together.

Cleanse 2012: Goals

When I did this cleanse last year, I had set up a list of goals and reasons I'm doing the cleanse. So I thought that it would be good to write all of that stuff down again because this year's reasons are different from last year's.

After I finished my cleanse last year, I decided to end my dependence on caffeine. I had a coke once and a green tea a few times. But no coffee. No soda. After that I decided that I would repeat the cleanse once a year and every time I would finish minus my dependence on something else. So here are the options this year:

FAST FOOD
CIGARETTES
SUGAR
RED MEAT

It would be one or more of those things. Last year I decided to not plan anything important during my cleanse. I did it after my birthday. I didn't have any major trips planned. This year I have my anniversary with The Drummer on Wednesday. I'm going to Santa Clara to work on a project for four days. So I'm going to have to really be good about it this time around. And life can't stop because I'm on a cleanse, also I can't just give up on my cleanse if I'm travelling or on vacation. So I'm adding some different challenges this year.

Okay...so here's why I'm repeating my cleanse again this year:

Last year I felt so good and energized in the months after the cleanse. But of course I reintroduced different foods into my life and I noticed that my energy became a little more up and down, but not as bad as when I was on caffeine. So this year, I'm looking at my relationship to sugar. I don't know if I would completely give sugar up, but I do know that I can't be as thoughtless about it.

I have a lot of goals to accomplish in 2012. Last year was about rebuilding after the break up. I had to get my life together again. And a lot of last year was about letting go. The cleanse fit into that because I was focused on the idea of empty calories. If I'm concerned about the things I'm putting into my body and being thought out and planned out about that, it becomes a great metaphor for the people and experiences that I allow myself to have in my life. I can't be thoughtless about that any more. So I want to refocus on that a bit. I think I did great this year with being aware of what was going into my body, but I loosened my rules because I also try to enjoy food.

One of the lasting effects of last year's cleanse was the immunity. I haven't gotten sick in a year. So this is a good time to re up that immunity. It's like renewing my AAA membership. I'm renewing my coverage for 2012.

I want to recommit myself to discipline. If I'm going to be planned out and thought out about my diet, then I need to do the same about excercise and I need to do the same with my writing. I need to have a plan. I need to be on a schedule. I need to make time to prepare. Because when you're not prepared on the cleanse, then you start eating shit you shouldn't because you are in a hurry and you choose conveinence over health. I think that's true for when you're not prepared in your life. So this year I want those three aspects to really integrate and work together.

The wonderful thing is that I have a partner who's committed to the same things. I have to do all of these things for myself, but my boyfriend wants the same things for himself so I'm not in an environment where my needs and wants are in conflict with his, even though mine are different. And I don't want to make myself responsible for him dealing with his shit. That is his own separate journey.

So I want to use this cleanse as a template for how prepared I need to be in the rest of my life in two significant areas of my life: exercise and work. Two areas, by the way, that I always flip flop between. I have been notorious for saying I can't do both at the same time. I've been better about it in recent years, but historically when I was working out, I wasn't writing and vice versa.

So with the exercise, here are my goals:

I want to work out every other day at the gym. I just got this app that the Drummer turned me onto called Virtual Gym. It gives you an 80 minute full body workout. I do that every other day. In addition, I am going to run in the days between. I want to get the boyfriend running as well. But that's a separate thing.

Then I'm going to detox my skin and go to the Korean Spa at least twice a week. The last time I did this cleanse, everyone remarked about how great my skin looked. So I'm ready to make that happen again. The funny thing about my face in the past twelve months is that I look younger than I have in years...and I already look young.

With the writing, I'm going to have a schedule as well. My friend Kevin said something inspiring last week when I emailed him to make plans to see each other. He said that he wasn't doing anything in January and that I had to wait until February because he was writing. Okay, I thought. I need to adopt that attitude. And I will. I'm having a challenging time because the boyfriend is on a musician's schedule. But I have my laptop and I can take off and write in the mornings if I need to. But if I'm writing every day for a set amount of time, I will easily get the scripts written that I need to get written.

And I will gauge my progress day to day on the same scale I had last time.

Energy
Attitude
Excercise
and one more thing I have to look up.

2012 and I'm Back Again

It's a new year.

Teaching consumed most of my time in the past couple of months so I haven't been on here as much. The holidays...a new relationship...there are a million excuses I guess. But the big one is that I've been working and living.

November was all about wrapping up at school. The teaching went well. I think I made an impact on my students lives and I had a great time doing that. I got reacquainted with some of my old professors who were now my colleagues. But the workouts went to the waste side, while the waist expanded a bit. With all of the travelling back and forth and trying to keep up with my Dad's health, it was all a little crazy.

Then in December I went to visit my brother and his family for two weeks and that was really about a complete check out from the rest of my life. The Drummer and I are still together...celebrating six months together in about two days. And that has been amazing. The last update was about how we finally said I love you to each other. And the past two months have been all about love. And kindness and respect. We're still getting to know each other more each day and I think the more we find out about each other, the deeper our love gets. It really is fantastic.

But I had to get away from all of it. My Dad's illness. My boyfriend. The past two and a half months of teaching. I had to totally let it go. So I went to Portland and got back on my workout routine. I ate a lot. Gained some weight. I'm actually at the heaviest I've ever been. The difference is that even though I'm about 180, I'm also in the best shape I've ever been in, in terms of muscle. So since muscle weights more than fat I don't look as big and my waist line isn't as big as when I was 178 five years ago. I was huge then. Well, huge in relative terms I guess. So now I'm in great shape, but I've got a gut because I like to eat.

So because it's the new year and because it's time and because I want to start things fresh...I'm doing my cleanse again. I just started today. And I will chronicle the cleanse the same way I chronicled it last time. I don't even remember what I said last time about it, but I will be documenting my progress every single day.

I have said several times that I was ending this blog because I felt like a certain journey had ended. I met someone wonderful. A year had past since the break up...there were a bunch of reasons to stop. But I think that there are still milestones I want to hit. I haven't gotten that first job as a staff writer on a TV show yet. My first big play hasn't been produced. I haven't gotten married...not that anything is in the works. I don't have those wonderful after photographs yet with the six pack abs. There are a lot of things still left to do. And still excellent ways to improve my life. As time goes on and as things get better, there's more and more to do.

So once again...I'M BACK. Hopefully for a while. But like working out, sometimes I need to take a break and come back to things with renewed energy.

Breaking News: My Mojo is Back in Full Effect

I interrupt this Farewell Recap celebration to announce that apparently people want to have sex with me.

My Mojo is back in full effect, apparently. I can't take full credit however, I must thank a particular set of circumstances. It's like Miranda said in Season Six of SEX AND THE CITY when she fit into her skinny jeans. She recently had baby Brady and didn't have time to eat. Then her and the girls went to the club Bed, where she discovered that there were still a plethora of hot men still in Manhattan. I'm having the same epiphany.

I stopped working, waiting for our show to get picked up. Then I had time to work out. And my father got sick, so I've been a bit stressed with that. But we also have to make sure my father eats an incredibly clean diet - no processed foods, low sodium and a bunch of other things that he needs to chillax on. But that means that I'm also eating healthier, partially as an act of solidarity. And because of that stress, I'm hitting the gym more often because I need an outlet. But I have been forgetting to eat breakfast because there's hardly anything my Dad can eat for breakfast and I really don't want to be throwing it in his face that I can have certain things that he can't. It's just not nice.

But I was at a pool party this past weekend and my friend Emily (I mentioned this before) said I had lost weight. And we're in a group of people where fitness matters. It's LA - we work in either the entertainment, fashion or interior design worlds. And I was at dance class tonight and my friend Tiffany said I was skinnier.

Then I was at the gym today and saw a cute guy naked in the showers, who seemed to be excited by my naked body in the showers as well. And there were a few guys on Grindr who wanted to have sex with me. I'm also working a black rimmed eyeglass. So I think that has an effect as well. So I'm planning a lunch date with the cute guy next Monday perhaps. He's awfully cute. And I got a sneak peek at the goods...and the goods are good.

But I think because I'm skinnier than I've been lately (which is only 3-4 pounds less than I've been), the guys I'm hooking up with immediately assume I'm a bottom. I used to get this all of the time when I was younger because I was really skinny and really young looking. At the time, I wasn't having anal sex at all. Then I met my first serious boyfriend, Jason and we started having sex and I totally bottomed for him. But just about every boyfriend I've had since I've topped and bottomed for. And with the most recent ex, I discovered my inner top.

But maybe that's it. If I want to be a skinny bitch, I also have to settle for being a bottom bitch. Although, for the record...that has not happened yet.

So sorry to interrupt all of these farewells that I've been writing, but I just had to remark that Stella has gotten her groove back after a brief resurgence post break up and then a longer drought. We'll have to see how it all goes.

Farewell Recap: My Body

As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.

But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.

TODAY'S SUBJECT:

My body

When I broke up with the ex, I decided to renovate a lot in my life. Here's the brief history of my body: born, 30 lbs by the time I'm 6 months old...then stretch, stretch, stretch until about 4 years old...then I was a beanpole until I was in my mid twenties. I had tried working out, but I couldn't pack on muscle. In college, I was a dancer, so anything that I ate just melted off of me. I was five ten and 125 lbs. Awful. And that's the body I always see or always compare myself too. So when I gained weight or started filling out...I saw a fat person. Then I got into the relationship with the Ex and probably within a few months, I had started putting on weight. We were always going out to dinner or had some event to go to where there was plenty of drinking involved. When we started dating I was probably somewhere between 155 and 160. About two years in I was 175 and none of that was from muscle. Then we ran the Florence Marathon together and I lost weight, but I never had a flat stomach for the time we dated. I'm fairly slender, but because of the relationship I became "skinny fat."

Then we broke up and I was determined to get my body back...and when I say body, I mean myself. I had taken a backseat to this guy and I wanted to make it clear that I was back on the market. Plus, I seemed to have a ton of time on my hands now that I was no longer managing the daily affairs of a very high maintenance guy. So now it's been eight months of pretty intense working out. I found dance again in the form of these hip hop classes I've been taking. I realize that when I'm bored with a workout that I need to change it up. Funny, I realize that I need to implement that into the rest of my life. When I'm done with a guy or a job or a script or a friend...move on.

I did the cleanse back in February and that really started changing my body. I always had retained an extra five to eight pounds that I never could get rid of and I finally realized that I was holding on to it. It was literally shit I was holding onto. . And when I cleansed...all of that shit came out. And it hasn't come back. I hit the reset button on my body.

I was just at a pool party yesterday with some very body conscious and judgmental gays and girls. All perfectly close friends, but we're hard on ourselves and on other people. My friend Emily mentioned that I had lost some weight. I didn't even have to prompt her. But the muscles have popped a bit and the waist has gotten skinner. The legs look fit and strong because of dance. The skin cleared up a bit and got brighter because of the cleanse. And my whole attitude changed because I was free. My body looked better to people, I looked better to people, because I had made the right change in my life.

My Dad's been sick with Congestive Heart Failure and kidney issues and that's something else that's affected me lately. I actually might have lost a bit more weight because of the stress. But his sickness, which has been brought about by bad eating habits and not being physically active, has gotten me thinking about what this body is going to do for me in the time I have it. . Yes, I live in LA and I'm completely vain. But I also know that my body is my protector and I need to keep it fit, healthy and active. Or else it's going to give up on me, like my Dad's body has. And I don't want that to happen. So I watch what I eat and I try to limit any prepackaged foods with preservatives as much as I can. I get to the gym a few days a week and take breaks when I need to. I'm going to start doing yoga and I want to start aerial fitness classes soon.

My body isn't just a billboard, although if it's going to have a message on it, I want it to say that I'm an active person and that I love taking care of myself. And that I do really care about myself enough to worry about what fuel I'm putting in my body and what activities I perform to keep my body strong. I want to be balanced and centered and connected to my mind, body and spirit and for all three elements to work together constantly.

Eight months later, it is easier to get laid. But I also feel my body working for me and keeping me healthy and alert. The first thing I hear people say who haven't seen me in a while is that I look terrific. I look younger and healthier and sexier than I did before. But what I hear when they say that is that I care more about my whole well being that I did eight months ago. And that's really what matters.

But I'm not going to turn away from more cock either. I mean...who would?

Yoga: All About Nourishment

I'm officially using this blog to endorse Natasha's Saturday afternoon Seven Dollar Yoga class at Mission Street Yoga in South Pasadena. The last time I went I learned all about the power of the will. This time we talked about nourishment. The idea that challenges in our lives are nourishment to our soul.

There was a lot of noise in class today. My friend Nic and I were catching up. I was taking about my Dad who's sick. She was talking about her Dad who just passed away recently. And then we were shushed. I'm serious. Like we were in the library. We were shushed by an annoying older gentleman. And he wasn't annoying because he was old. He was annoying because two minutes later he yelled across the studio, "Hey Barry, how's it going?" And then he proceeded to hit on a woman at the end of class. "I promised you last time that I would give you my card. Here ya go!" I must have known how annoying he was because I turned to Nicole and said, "I am not going to stop talking."

But once we got into the practice, I felt like I was flying. I always get to this place in class where my mind just lets go. I remember hearing about how meditation and yoga is best when you empty your mind. But I never could do it. And now I'm finding myself just opening up. The stretches were opportunities for me to nourish my muscles. I was nourishing my soul by opening my heart and pushing harder.

I had a fantastic tree pose where I grew up and out. And in my dancer pose I had quite the arabesque.

I smiled at the cute boy across the room from me, only because Natasha had instructed us to. He smiled back only because she had asked him to. But it was still nice to be smiled at. . And it's always nice to smile during practice because that's the heart and the body opening up. I'm finding that my practice is better than ever. The stronger my body has gotten, the stronger my connection to my mind and spirit has been. Funny how that works. The poses felt effortless today, yet full of intention and commitment. I'm becoming a real yogi, what can I say?

Forget Before! Let's Talk About After!

Well, let's talk about before for a quick second. Almost six months ago I weighed around 178, my skin had a greyish tint, I was a bit puffy and my legs were out of shape from when I ran the marathon four years prior. My hair was longer. And I had a general state of melancholy. I tried to be happy, but the toll my relationship had on me was wearing me down. I lived for someone else. I went to work to a job I hated and I came home and watched reality TV. That was my only comfort. Oh, well I would eat, which is why even at 5'10", 178 pounds, which isn't overweight, I was hanging on to weight I didn't need.

Now I work out three times a week. And I have dance class twice a week. Currently, I also have dance rehearsals two days a week, so for the next two weeks, I will be dancing four days a week. When I'm not in dance rehearsals, I usually take a yoga class on Saturday mornings with my friend Nicole. I completed a 21 day cleanse and I've stopped smoking (for the most part, I'll have a quick puff here and there). I'm down to about 165-168. It's not just about the fitness, which I'm super excited about, it gives me tons of energy. It's about meeting new people and doing something I love. I also have a new job I love, where I feel a sense of purpose and a sense of movement. I'm motivated to keep moving. I don't drink coffee or soda anymore, which is crazy. I never thought I'd do that, but I love my energy level too much to go back to it.

I started this blog really for myself to just chart what was going on in my life. Often it's honest. Often it's also the mundane details of my life. But it's the every day details that eventually - six months and 163 posts later - make me look back and think that I've really accomplished something. And there's so much further to go.

I've been a gypsy for six months, moving around from place to place, subletting here and crashing there. I need to focus on a new place to live. I need to focus on the next opportunity job wise - where will this amazing opportunity take me? I need to really have a focused plan for that. And the next big thought process is about dating. From the last post, you can see that I'm starting to think about it. I hate all of my pictures right now, which is fine. I don't think my pictures are capturing the change that I feel, but that's okay too. I look at guys and I no longer think, "he's too good looking for me." Well, I might say it. But I don't really believe it. I no longer think he's too smart for me or too tall for me or too well adjusted for me. I'm still in the random hook up stage of my healing. So the guys that I'm hooking up with and meeting at the gym are hot. The guys I'm having casual encounters with are physically fantastic. Not that they all have to be. But I'm no longer shocked when a aesthetically pleasing man wants my number, my body or my cock.

I'm a sexual person, y'all. I will talk about my love of cock til the cows come home and leave again.

I'm starting to think that maybe I want to date a bit. I finally asked out Handsome Brit last week. Ask out is a strong phrase. But I said we should get a drink sometime. He's got a good smile. I ran into another guy I had a great conversation with at the spa last week. He sells cookbooks to schools. And he's got a fantastic body and a lot of interesting things to say. He's "my speed", as they say. My best friend's Mom keeps promising to set me up with a guy she's thought I should be dating for years. I'm not really going to do the online thing right now. Never say never, but I am meeting guys just out and about, and I prefer that.

All of these things are going so well that it would be hard to go back and live the life I used to live. I felt stuck for years and I didn't know what to do about it. And now I'm swinging from vine to vine and I'm excited for the next leap, even if I don't know for sure if a vine is available for me to grab onto. It always seems to be. But I'm not always sure. I keep reaching, though.

The feelings I had for my ex are changing. I can feel it. I think part of it was seeing him last week. I didn't feel like myself. It's like caffeine. For years I was convinced I needed it to go about my day. That I would be destroyed without it. Now that I've given it up, the feeling in my body every day (even when I'm tired) is so much better than what I felt drinking caffeine that it's not hard to do without it. It's the same with the ex. My daily experience of being in this body, in this mind, in this frame of mind is so much better than what my daily life was with him that it's no longer becoming a struggle. I never thought I would say that six months ago. And now I can appreciate how much I loved my caffeine and how much it did for me, but I don't need it any more. It doesn't change how great it is for some people and it doesn't change how bad it is for me now.

The Handsome Brit Saga Continues

Now I've changed my workout routine so that I can run into the Handsome Brit every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I'm at the gym. And I still haven't had the guts to find out if he's gay or straight and if he'd go out to drinks with me.

This was today's interaction:

First of all, I had a brilliant workout this morning. Chest and Back. I pushed up. I pulled down. I did it all. And I was sore at the end.

So when I finish up I get shower and come back into the locker room. And there he is, the Handsome Brit. Looking adorable and clean. We chatted it up a bit. He told me about his busy weekend which was packed. I told him about my weekend, which was delightfully not. I did mention that I met up with some mates for cocktails at Cecconi's.

NOTE: I'm noticing that I'm starting to speak with a bit of a British lilt here, which I made the mistake of doing once when I went in for a job interview. I think it's just a nervous thing, but half way through the interview with these Brits where I would come on board as their writers' assistant, I started saying things like "cheerio." I didn't get the job because they thought I was mocking them, I'm sure.

HB mentions that he went shooting this weekend, which he's starting to get into. So that's when I start to wonder if he is gay or just British. Hopefully both. Then he mentions he went to a few clubs over the weekend. I asked him where and he said he went to The Colony, which might lean towards straight. I know, I'm sixteen years old, I like a guy and I'm trying to figure out which side he butters his bread on. Aren't I past this?

He's just super foxy and I'm being a baby. He has seen me twice without my shirt on and a towel wrapped around myself. Hopefully that's not turning him off.

I also imagine that maybe he has his own blog where he's writing about the Strange Ethnically Ambiguous Mulatto he runs into at the gym from time to time.

"Saw the SEAM today. What an odd duck."

I probably like the drama, but I would like even more to grab a beer somewhere. What's stopping me? I clearly have no problem picking up guys at the gym. Maybe he's the fantasy guy I've never been with yet. He's British, cheeky, blond, and probably pretty funny. He fancies a Pimm's Cup. Has a cute scrunchy expression on his face like Hugh Grant.

I think he's too good for me.

Well, for that reason alone I need to make a move. Okay...tune in on Wednesday. I'm going on and I'm going to report back.

The Handsome Brit Returns!

I had stopped going to my regular gym in the mornings because my favorite, Handsome Brit, had suddenly disappeared. If you remember several posts back, we had this thing going. He came to work out with his trainer on Monday/Wednesday/Friday while I was working out by myself. Then I skipped a few days and by the time I returned, he was GONE! Heartbroken, I kept telling myself. He couldn't bare to see the place where I once squatted, lunged and pressed.

But I told myself, if it was meant to be...if WE were meant to be, then Lover would come back to Me! Another incentive for me to stop going to the other gym was that I ran into my ex's best friend and my former workout partner with my ex's assistant. It was just annoying.

So I started going to the gym near my office, which is actually much nicer in the mornings. There's easy parking and the guys are all hot. They are all STRAIGHT, but I need something to look at in the morning.

Like this morning, for example, there was the hottest guy (blond, model face, thick pouty lips and pecs). I wanted to lick the sweat off of those pecs. He was breakfast, lunch, dinner and my midnight snack. Halleloo! And he was wearing these tight little speedos because he was swimming outside. He kept rubbing himself. Then he started doing stretches in the sauna so I could see his ass. Then he pressed up against the wall and raised his arm over his head so I could see his yummy manicured arm pits...it was porn. This guy knew exactly what he was doing and what he was doing was giving me bone. It was borderline inappropriate, but completely welcomed. And when he left, he smiled at me.

And now that I'm this new assertive me, I looked back. I smiled. I flirted. I followed him out.

Wait. Now I'm thinking that this new assertive me is a stalker. When did I cross over into stalkerland?

Anyway, so before I followed out Speedo guy, I ran into my Handsome Brit. I was coming out of the shower and he walked past me. "Wait, is that...? Could it be? Are we supposed to...FATE! It's fate!"

So I went back to the bathroom (classy), where he was washing his hands and I pretended to run into him randomly again. He is still charming and he still is sweet. I still haven't been able to open my mouth enough to suggest we grab a drink. But he looked better than I remember. Maybe it was the bathroom lighting at the Universal LA Fitness. Maybe it's that I've been on this cleanse and everything looks better to me. Maybe it's just that I haven't been properly laid since my breakup and I had previous morning wood going on from our friend, Speedo Guy.

But I gotta hit that. And soon, before the window closes.

Cleanse: Day Twenty-One (recap)

I should have written this yesterday. Yesterday was the end of this cleanse. But I was cooking yesterday. I made a roast chicken and turkey meatballs.

I feel equipped. I can handle my health now. If I did nothing else and just gave up caffeine, that would be a huge accomplishment. This cleanse is teaching me to cut back on things I thought were okay or healthy for me. One big thing is the preservatives. My body does not need all of that crap going into it.

I have control over my body. I have a great routine going. Monday, Wednesday and Friday's I'm at the gym in the mornings lifting. Tuesday and Thursday, I'm at the gym running. Although I think I might switch that up and go for morning runs near my office for the next two weeks to see how that feels. I feel like I need to run outside. I can run for longer that way. And Monday and Wednesday nights, I have hip hop class. I'm also trying to give myself more of a break on the weekends from working out. Except for my 1 1/2 hour yoga class, which I love with my friend Nicole.

I do want to find a kickboxing class or a place where I can train. I might want to start boxing. Isn't that weird? I'm finding this inner tough guy. I already found my inner top years ago, so it just makes sense that my inner top now wants to box.

And because I love it, it would be great to find another class where I can really take ballet technique, just because that sort of discipline is great. I think this is all starting to have a great effect on my focus and discipline in other areas. It is really making a huge difference.

That's the gift of a cleanse. It allows me to get rigorous about a routine for a set period of time. Then I can say, great! I'm keeping this, but I still want to do this. And then the next cleanse, maybe I pick up another good habit. Or maybe the cleanse inspires me to pick up other things I've always wanted to do. It no longer feels like this strict lifestyle. It's just what I want to do to live better.

When the ex and I were together and I had to go out of town for work or I was away somewhere by myself, my instinct was always to do something healthy. I'd work out every day. I'd go on runs. Sure I'd drink and smoke, because that was part of the socializing. But I tried to fit in time for myself. Now I'm LIVING time for myself. All my time is my own. And it's important for me to find a groove where I can build a lifestyle that's healthy for me, not just do it for four days straight while on vacation or away. The more I add these things to my life, the less room there is for the less productive stuff.

No empty calories. That's a big thing I'm taking away. Don't waste good energy on useless shit. That potato chip, that cookie isn't doing anything for me. That abusive relationship, that nasty conversation, that person who doesn't realize how special I am - not doing anything. I don't need to waste my time and good energy convincing people to like me in work or in life. I just need to do my work and let the results show. The masses will follow.

Starting new habits. It only takes 21 days.

Wednesday's Kick Ass Workout

I'm feeling sexy after my workout this morning. And it's not because I had sex and the gym. Sorry, Howie.

I had the experience of catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and not realizing that was me (for a quick moment).

Yes, my body is looking better than it did before the cleanse. And way better than before the breakup. So on a purely aesthetic level, I'm looking food. But I think what caught me by surprise was how much I looked like an athlete. An athlete is confident, strong, assured, and focused. And you can see it all over his face. So it was my face that looked different.

I pushed hard. It was back and biceps today. So my bi exercises really hurt. I felt it. I struggled with the pull ups and chin ups, but every time I came up, I felt like I flew up on that pull up bar.

I then ran, just for five minutes to get a little cardio in and to keep the heart rate up.

And tonight I've got hip hop class, which I also did on Monday. It just feels so good to be drenched at the end of the work out, whether it's dance class or strength training. And hip hop is just fun and for me. It takes me back to my dance days in college. It's nice to go to dance class and feel like I'm getting the routines and that I'm not ashamed if I don't get it right away (that's how I felt in college all of the time).

So speaking of college days, I actually have the body now that I wish I had when I was in college and dancing. I have strength I didn't have then and focus I didn't have then . My body just wasn't used to movement and being athletic. But at the end of class on Monday, my instructor asked the whole class who would be willing to do a dance competition with other gyms in the area for charity. And my first thought was, "YES! Absolutely!" It's going to be interesting going to rehearsal again and putting together a routine. I haven't rehearsed for a performance in a long time.

I never considered myself an actor. I was in the theatre department in high school and college and loved it. But I knew I didn't have that talent in me. Or at least at the time it felt pretty clear. But when I stepped on to the stage as a dancer, I came alive. Because I didn't feel strong enough then, I didn't feel like it was something I could continue to pursue professionally. I just wasn't at that level and it felt like I had so far to go. But I loved rehearsing. And I loved solving the problem of getting my body to do what the choreographer showed us and what my mind really wanted to achieve.

It's just another way that I'm coming back to myself and it's all because I'm in that gym every day. Or I'm running. Or I'm in class. This is what's going to get me through life, this cleanse and the moments when I doubt myself. I truly understand now what people get from running. It's pretty amazing.

Run in at the gym

I was at the gym this morning and I ran into my ex's best friend and my ex's assistant.

And my reaction was: "Hi!" And a big hug.

Why?

I was a bit surprised at my effusive reaction too. But I felt good. I knew I looked good, in that sort of "just got out of bed, rolled to the gym, my t-shirt smells like hard work" way. The hair was bed-heady in a good way. I had some scruff and I was wearing my gym shirt and baggy shorts. In other words, I didn't look super gay.

Why does that matter? Because some how I associate that with okayness. Like "I look like a dude and not that submissive long haired girly man your friend was with for five years." And I recently cut my hair super short, which the ex didn't like. He liked the hair to be longer. This way I look more youthful and I think more handsome and powerful. So, no, I was not wearing aqua spandex tights, striped leg warmers and a braided headband. I was dressed for a work out.

I hadn't seen either one of them in a while. And for a quick moment I thought, "Oh God, I hope I look good. I hope they report back that I looked amazing." Which they won't because they're good friends and employees. Both of them work for the ex, which is probably why they were working out together.

In the TV show of my life, they were spying.

And I did my thing, like I do every Monday, Wednesday and Friday that I'm at the gym. I had a fantastic workout, partially because I knew I had an audience. And ultimately, I didn't worry what they were going to say or not say to the ex about seeing me. Because I'm on my cleanse and I'm looking fierce and I'm on my way to looking more fierce - for me. Because I feel better this way. I feel better knowing that my body is functioning properly and working hard.

And I'm glad that they saw me in MY habitat. I used to work out with my ex's best friend for a while. We stopped because of the breakup. But it used to suck because I was like his trainer and that was frustrating. I needed a partner to push me too. I couldn't just be running the show.

And now, I realize that I don't need a partner. I am pushing myself. The way that I look is purely because of me. I am motivating me. The choices I'm making in my diet and my lifestyle are not because someone is pushing me. The changes I'm making in my life are not because someone is pushing me. No one is pushing me to finish this script I need to finish. Or to submit my work to theatres. Or to get up and go for a run. Or to stop my bad habits. That is all me.

I don't need a partner.

I'm going to re-read this post often when I need a healthy reminder.

Cleanse: Day Five

ENERGY: High

Lots of energy today. It seems like my energy is leveling off. I'm not getting too tired throughout the day. I seem to have in general a pretty good level of sustained energy. No big peaks or valleys.

HUNGER: Low
I had my oatmeal this morning. I think the combo of the psyllium and the oatmeal is helping curb my hunger. My constant need to snack is gone. I snack in between meals when I'm hungry, but it's not overboard.

ATTITUDE: Good, then sad
The good part is that I'm getting shit done and feeling great. The sad part I described in the blog "A Good Cry." Because I had a great cry. A great big, fat, ugly, hard to speak through cry. And I feel better for the most part.

EXERCISE: P90X Legs and Back
Grrr. I love this work out. It allows me to do tons of pull ups and chin ups and then there are the leg exercises. The "super skater", the "wall squats", the "groucho walks", the three way lunge (my friend Tim used to try to do these with me and then felt like he couldn't accomplish them fully because he didn't have a dancer's background - actually that was his excuse when he didn't want to exercise). It does feel dancerly and I can feel that my core is much stronger and my alignment is better than when I used to do these exercises. It feels great. I'm feeling accomplished - little did I know that this super achievement was just to mask my sadness and that I'd shut the door to my office and start crying later. But at least I didn't cry at the gym.

Sticky Rice

I was just having a conversation with my friend Tony who was just in town where I said that I had never been with an Asian guy. I'm half Asian, btw. I just don't find them that attractive usually.

I was at the gym this afternoon and went into the steam room and saw this guy who was so attractive. He seemed half-Chinese to me. Maybe half white? Great body. Was checking me out.

We were in the shower across from each other and he mouthed something. I couldn't hear him, but my hearing is bad. So I asked him what he said again. He mouthed "forget it." I guess it would look a little weird if we were having a total conversation in showers across from each other.

We checked each other out a few times and then he mouthed: "I have to go." He pointed to his wrist as if it were a watch, so I'd understand. I nodded.

When I was changing I introduced myself to him. And he said something, but it seemed like maybe he was either Chinese from China or deaf, because I couldn't really understand him.

He's deaf. And his name is Jeff. It was when he said he name I got it. And just in case I didn't hear him, he then told me he was deaf.

And then I remembered what I said in the shower, repeatedly:

I CAN'T HEAR YOU

I'm an asshole.

Bye, bye cute Chinese deaf Jeff. Thanks for breaking my indifference to people of my own kind.