I Get It

When I was trying to figure out how to be friends with The Drummer and I was being given no indication that he wanted that, my Mom kept saying - "He doesn't want to have anything to do with you. It's over for him. He's moved on."

That was all before I found out he had actually moved on with someone else. And had been moved on for awhile. But I took him at his word.

And that was my mistake.

This is a guy whose word can't be trusted. It doesn't mean much. He didn't stand up for me when we were together because he wasn't out to his parents. I never held a place of importance in his life. He hesitated when introducing me to people. I don't know if he truly trusted in the relationship.

The truth is that he didn't trust in relationships. This was long before me. I don't know if it has changed because he is in this new relationship. I'm led to believe that it hasn't changed because I don't think a person makes that big a sea change with no distance in between relationships.

He's a liar. He was untruthful to me about how he felt. He knew for a long time that he didn't want to be in the relationship and he kept that from me. Truth be told, I had my own doubts. But I always had faith we could work it out. I'm still bad at letting things go past their expiration date. I need to be better at that.

I don't need to say any more - "But he's a great guy…" or "As sweet as he is…" In this situation, he was neither great nor sweet. As to whether or not he had started something when we were still together - either physically or emotionally - I can't speak to that because I don't know. I choose to be in denial and trust that he wouldn't do that. I choose to believe him when he tells me that things started afterward.

And here's where my ego gets bruised - how could he move on so quickly? Does it matter? He moved on. He's done.

I get it. It took me awhile. But I get it. He says the things he is supposed to say because he feels guilty for something he either did or thought about doing.

Do I need to be friends with him? I don't know if that's a question I can answer yet. I know in my heart, I would like to be friends. But would that friendship be rooted in nostalgia. Honestly, my life isn't less rich because I'm not friends with the Ex that started this blog. Sometimes I get nostalgic and I want a friendship with him. But it doesn't make me feel empty. That's probably going to be true with The Drummer too. I don't need him in my life to make it richer.

I have a path I'm on. And that path includes a career. It includes Hollywood. It includes the entertainment industry. Not that any of those things give me value or importance. But that's the world I'm in, like it or not. I'm a moody, creative, angsty writer. He was a distant, transient drummer. I don't know if I could ever know him as deeply as I wanted to. I literally wanted to be inside of him. Well…I only did that once. But I think that even figuratively, it was to get inside of him.

With the Drummer, I wore out the A side. But what I wanted was the cool, underappreciated B side. And that's the side I never got to.

I don't know who the next guy is going to be. I don't know when. I don't want it now. But, with everything in life, that's not up to me. I'm not open to it. And maybe I need to be single for a long, long time. My godmother certainly thinks so. She thinks I need to spend years by myself. We'll see how that works.

I told The Drummer that if he wanted a friendship, he would need to reach out to me. Do I think he's going to do that? No.

So having a friendship is really up to him. I'll pick up the phone, always. But I have to force myself to not reach out. I need to do that for myself. Honestly. That's going to be really hard to do.

I am not going to reach out to his friends. They don't need to be my friends. They're not people I had much in common with anyway. And I'm not talking about some people I feel I had a connection with. There are those people. I'm talking about the friends I was friendly to on a periphery level. They're loyal to him, as they should be. That door is closed.

I am grateful that I'm moving on.
I am grateful that I'm getting there.
I am grateful that I'm at peace.
I am grateful that I get the opportunity to be comfortable with myself, alone.
I am grateful that today is better than the same day last year.

Five Years Ago Today

The Drummer and I went on our first date five years ago today. On a Monday. It would have been our fifth anniversary today. And I closed the door on that chapter TODAY. The Universe has a poetic approach to life cycles.

I went and got the rest of my camping equipment today. I wanted a clean break. When I came over, he was on the phone and I looked around the place. I saw a digital photo frame. I looked at the pictures why I was waiting for him. Then I saw photographs of the two of them. My breath got short. I physically had a reaction - like people do in the movies. It was very dramatic - and very authentic as well. They looked happy. They are happy. That's it.

Out of hurt, I asked a lot of questions clarifying how they met. I wanted to know if they met before they broke up. They met in February. The new guy's birthday is February 23rd (not sure why he told me this). My breath got shorter. I got in the car and went on a ride along with the Ego Police. I was angry and upset and self-involved. It was not a good look for me, but it was honest. Too honest, maybe.

He wanted to cut the conversation short at that point and expressed that he had a lot to get done before he left town. I backed off because it was reminding me too much of what he would say to me all of the time any time I tried to express anything "this deep (his words)." That was a good reminder of our differences. But more than anything, it was clear that I didn't give him what he needed - and found so quickly. And neither did he.

After I left - once we hugged, said "I love you", and realized that this was difficult and that we'll work on our friendship once we establish a different way of being something to each other -  I had an epiphany. He met the boyfriend in February. I got my job in February. The boyfriend's birthday is February 22nd. I started my job on February 23rd.  The Universe gave us each what we wanted once we separated. This separation was necessary for each of us to be truly happy. Our relationship made us realize what was really important and what was holding us each back. Unfortunately, it was each other. But the doors flew open once we got out of each other's way.

And that is beshert. 

I'll be okay.

I am grateful for the realization that the break up was right and meant to be.
I am grateful for the love of friends who listened to me work this out all weekend.
I am grateful for a place to write these thoughts down.
I am grateful that my relationship to my work is thriving.

Why Can't Today Be the Day I'm Doing Better

I got some news a couple of days ago about my ex boyfriend and the fact that he's moved on with somebody new. I've stopped and started, gotten over it then gotten upset about it again. I'm a glutton for punishment because I think I should mourn the relationship again and be hurt about something I've known six months before we broke up:

ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

He was over it long before we were over. I tried to put it all back together again. I knew the relationship was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it. I was up for a job out of town and he did a lot to help me prepare for the interview. It's possible that he was pushing me out the door. And then that didn't happen. But we were left with a broken relationship. So those six months in between were about me trying in vain to put our relationship back together again with someone who was lying to me - he didn't want us to be back together again. And he was too cowardly to tell me that.

There was the friendship he kept private and away from me. There was the family he kept away from me. There were so many ways he had compartamentalized his life that I tolerated. And I shouldn't have. But I did because I cared. I already mourned this relationship and I moved on by having a successful career. I don't need to mourn him again. He doesn't deserve that.

WHY CAN'T TODAY BE THE DAY I'M DOING BETTER?

I've mourned this already. I've been sad and disappointed. I've seen that he wasn't the right guy for me and he didn't treat me with respect. He always said that we should be respectful of each other and the constant ways he disrespected me are out there.

I would have made a mistake if I hadn't applied to that job in Portland.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't kept working on my plays.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't kept an office.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't done things for myself.

I knew it would pay off and it did. But it only paid off for me. And I'm realizing that's the way it was meant to work out. My success wasn't meant for him. I had spent a lot of time supporting him and taking care of him with a pure, true heart. Because that's who I am. I say what I mean and I act out of how I feel. I have no poker face and no real ability to be dishonest. I wasn't perfect in our relationship. But I've copped to it.

So today doesn't need to be another day I'm in mourning. Yesterday was the day my anger got reignited. Yesterday was the day that I was reminded why were aren't together any more. Because I needed the reminder. My nostalgia wasn't allowing me to move on. I was getting stuck back there, only remembering the good times. I needed to be reminded that he could be a shitty boyfriend. He didn't take care of me. He didn't stand up for me. He didn't claim me. And that's why we grew apart. We made it too easy to focus elsewhere. We had an open relationship. I don't think it was a mistake, but I wouldn't do it again.

Yes, there were good things. Yes, I love him still. But he isn't the good guy he wants all to believe. Not that he's all bad either. He's a normal, human being who does shitty things just like the rest of us do.

So today's not going to be the day I mourn him again. Today's going to be the day I'm doing better. Or at least getting on the road to be doing better again.

I am grateful that I know more of the story.
I am grateful that I feel things.
I am grateful that I love myself.
I am grateful that I know who I am.
I am grateful that I live an authentic life and have for a long time.
I am grateful that things that are inauthentic seem to repel off of me.
I am grateful that I get it.

The Master Cleanse

This second half of the year for me is all about reinforcing the things I learned about myself in the first half of the year. Once I ended my relationship, my career started to take off. In the past month or so, I've forgotten some of those lessons because I started to get nostalgic about the relationship. Finding out that my ex has moved on with a new boyfriend has really made clear that that part of my life is over. And it's good to know that I can't go back to it, even in my head.

The first half of the year was about work. The second half of this year is a return to that. I took a bit of a respite because work was so draining. But now it's time to get back to it. And if the psychic I met last month had accurate predictions, things are about to get busy. I've decided to cleanse myself a bit from a few things in my life. And that will be a lot more difficult than just restricting myself from certain foods.

• No one night stands. As I type this, I get scared. That includes hook ups. I'd rather not say "celibacy" because I'm going to masturbate. But I'm going to go into gyms, korean spas, supermarkets, parties and other public events with no agenda to hook up. And I'm not going to hook up if the opportunity presents itself. I've never done this. I've thought about doing it, but I've never done it.
• Sobriety. I've done three sober months in the first six months of the year. I don't need alcohol. I've had some booze in the past month. I realized that I don't need it. It's fun, but I'm not getting wasted. So if I'm not getting wasted, then why drink at all? And I don't mean that to say that I should be getting blitzed. I mean that to say that I'm drinking to be social, but it's having no real effect on me. So if I don't need to drink to forget or cope, then why am I drinking?
• Whole 30. I'm going back on the Whole 30 for at least a month to see how I do on it again. But this time I'm going to do it as a culinary challenge. I'm going to focus on making recipes and not on the health benefits. I want to have an adventure with the types of recipes I can make. I want to do different culinary things. There are things in my diet that I like that I'm going to try and replicate. 
• Meditation. I start a three week meditation course on Monday. That will jump start my practice again. I need to be meditating at least once a day. It does such good things for me and that's what my body and my mind want to do. They want to spend more time in silence.
• Exercise. The last time I did my Whole 30, I hardly exercised. I want to see bigger results this time around, all around. And I think that exercising will help me get there. The things that work for me are cardio--spinning, dancing and running. I'd like to try to evolve and add more weight training to that. But more hard core circuit type stuff and boot camp type stuff. I've changed my mind and now I want to change my body so I can change my mind even deeper. I need to look different to support how different I am.

When my Dad died, I shaved my head to signify how different I felt. Now I want to change my body to feel how different I am. I have my Cize workouts that I can do. I have my gym membership and the spinning that I love doing. I should go back and take spin classes to at least get me disciplined. I'm thinking of swimming at the local gym as well to just test out how that makes me feel. Doing laps. I want my body to change and I want to see a different person in the mirror. Not out of vanity. But because I need to see a different person looking back at me to show me the change I have made. It's not just about something superficial like a haircut or a tattoo. It's literally morphing my body into something different to show the change that I've made.

I'm realizing that the ex didn't make all the changes after our relationship ended to hurt me. He made those changes because that's who he really is. And I've made changes to show who I really am. We were not being our true selves together. And I don't need to write him to tell him that. It's enough that I have written it here and that I know. I'm forgiving myself for not feeling adequate enough to keep him. And in forgiving myself, I have forgiven him.

I am grateful for the understanding in my heart.

I am grateful for the things I know about myself.

I am grateful to be in a new place in my life.

I am grateful to be truly happy.

I am grateful.

No Regrets

Today I ripped off a band-aid.
Yesterday, I found out that my ex-boyfriend, The Drummer, had a new boyfriend. A friend tried to "soften the blow" by letting me know. In that aftermath, I decided that I needed to get certain things from the house that I had put off grabbing six months ago. I needed to close a chapter.

Well, I didn't realize just how much of that chapter was unknown to me until today. I arranged to meet him at his place--where I also used to live. He greeted me and he looked great. He had lost some weight. He looked tan and happy. He's doing pilates now and is finally using the yoga mat I had given him five years ago for his birthday--the yoga mat he never used. The place was the cleanest I had ever seen it. I knew he had this new boyfriend and I didn't want to tell him I knew.

We talked about his recent gigs and some videos he was editing. We chatted about what he has been up to work wise. We talked about our break up a bit. There was a lot of chatting until I finally got the nerve to ask him about his boyfriend. But I had a change of heart. Our friend had asked me not to mention that she had told me about the new guy. I originally planned to honor that. But I then decided to honor myself. I didn't want to be dishonest.

I told him I knew and I had thought about lying, but I didn't want to do that. He admitted that he has been seeing someone new. And that this new boyfriend and him have been dating for four months. Whoa. Okay. Four months. Really. All right. I took a breath and was not doing a great job at appearing calm. They met at one of his gigs, not through mutual friends, which I kind of worried about. He's younger than The Drummer. I found out that one of his best friends, who he always said he considered like an older brother, he hasn't seen in months. About the amount of time that he has been seeing this new guy. Interesting. I told him that this friend of his found no reason to be polite to me any more when he saw me at the gym. He seemed surprised by this. I wasn't because I always felt the friend wanted to date The Drummer instead of me. The Drummer never brought us all together to make things less awkward. I had to beg The Drummer to set up a time for us all to meet. There was something either about me or about his life at the time that he had to compartimentalize.

I had to go meet my friend and so I decided that I needed to get the camping equipment I set out to retrieve. And as we were getting that stuff, I asked The Drummer if he took the new boyfriend to Joshua Tree for Memorial Day with all of his friends. He did. All right. Let me take a breath. But he clarified that he and the new boyfriend did not sleep in my father's tent. Small victories.

He helped me take my stuff to the car. I had one last question that I really didn't want to ask. But I had a feeling. I asked him if he was taking the new guy to Wisconsin when he was going to meet his parents. And the answer was: YES. I about lost it. I had to leave. When we were together he wasn't out to his parents, so I never met them in the four and a half years we were together. And this guy swoops in and meets the parents, enjoying the benefit of all the ground work I had laid out. I didn't want to be angry or to lose my composure. But I did. I'm hurt. I'm deeply hurt. It feels like the break up all over again in some ways.

But as he admitted, the relationship was over long before it was over and he was ready to move on. And move on he did. It's going to take me a minute to get past this.

And this is the reason I did not keep up my end of the bargain to keep quiet about knowing about the boyfriend for the friend who told me. She wanted me to have time to process before this party. But I didn't have all the information because she did not have all of the information. So I still would have been blindsided by a bunch of things. I also did not like that she did not approach The Drummer to let him know that she wanted to tell me and to give him the option to tell me himself. The Drummer said that he wishes he had the chance to tell me. But he was also avoiding the conversation. Four months in and I've been calling him and talking to him about stuff--and no mention of it.

Earlier in the conversation, he mentioned that he spent Fourth of July with a friend and his family in a local suburb. I knew that this "friend" was his boyfriend. And through some investigative reporting (i.e. stalking), I found out who this guy is. I had the information about where this guy's office is and what he does for a living. Made it pretty easy.

Now I'm not proud of myself for doing this. It's late at night and it's been on my mind. For the record, he is very cute. And he looks like he's got a good body. The Drummer was always able to get the good lookers. He's a great looker himself. He's the hottest guy I've ever dated seriously. I've slept with plenty of hot dudes. But he's the hottest long term relationship I've had. Why does that matter? I'm shallow.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll make smarter choices and I won't be a total stalker. But tonight, I'm hurt. Here's the silver lining: the Universe reminded me of who my ex is. He's a kind and wonderful guy. But he's not someone I felt took care of me during our relationship. He didn't stand up for me in proudly introducing me to people. I was always introduced with a sense of doubt and anxiety - as if I would do something that would paint him in a negative light. And, as someone who wants to be my friend, I expect him to take care of me as his friend as well. But he didn't do that either. It's over. And I want to close this chapter so that if we're meant to open up the friendship chapter, we can do that.

A few friends reminded me that I helped him out in our relationship to live a truer life by example. And as his friend, I am happy for any part I had in that. But it's over.

I am grateful that the Universe reminded me of the path I needed to be on.
I am grateful that I have some closure.
I am grateful to focus on myself for a bit.
I am grateful that I have work to keep me busy.
I am grateful that I have friends who love me.
I am grateful to The Drummer for teaching me to love more unconditionally and more openly.

Five Months Later...

This blog started out as a documentation of a break up. Then I found love. And then we broke up. The documentation of that break up was essentially four blog posts.

Over the past five months since my last post, I have had a lot of career and creative triumphs. I got staffed on a show, I started developing a show, and I'm a new member of a theatre company I've long admired. Great distractions from emotions. I just got back from a trip to see my brother and his family in Portland. Then at the airport I got news that brought it all back full circle.

Apparently, The Drummer has a new boyfriend. I was talking to my friend Andrea last night and I had a feeling that he would start dating before I started dating. I'm definitely not ready to date. I'm trying to figure out the other shit too. I had a crazy time at the bathhouse this weekend where I was thrown against a wall--in a passionate way, by a guy who was passionate and drunk. I needed to release some tension. I'm not ready to date, but I want a little bit of intimacy. I'm not sure how to navigate that yet, so I'm just ignoring that part of my life. But when I find out The Drummer has a new boyfriend, I can't ignore my feelings.

If I'm being 100 percent honest with myself, I was hoping that he would be single for awhile. In my mind, that would mean that he needed time to get over the relationship. But there's no better way to get over one relationship than to get into another one, right? I had a two hour conversation with The Drummer about a few weeks ago, when he was clearly already dating this guy. I had confronted him about the fact that he needed to make an effort if he wanted us to be friends, like he claimed he wanted. But why would you want to be friends with your ex when you're in the midst of getting to know someone new? There's no motivation for that. The answer to why he wasn't reaching out to be more was right in front of my face. It's the most obvious reason.

And I've been holding on. I'm not acting like we're broken up. But I don't want to get back together either. I'm stringing myself along. So it's officially over. He's got someone new. That didn't take long. This friend told me in a way that was the equivalent of spitting on a dick and shoving it in me. No lube, no warning, not "just the tip." Full penetration.

"So I'm having a party and I wanted to invite you and ________ and his boyfriend. I wanted to make sure that was okay."

Boyfriend?
Excuse me?
I didn't know he had a boyfriend.
My friend knew I didn't know he had a boyfriend. I don't think she was trying to stir the pot. And it really felt like this disclosure was about making her party special.
I'm really not sure why she told me, other than to make sure I was used to the idea by the time of her party, which she mentioned.
It wasn't to be hurtful, I'm clear on that.

And in that moment I thought all the things you're not supposed to think:

• How does he have a boyfriend already?
• Was he working on this when we were together?
• He's cuter than me. He has to be cuter than me.
• He's more of a grown up. He drives a better car than me.
• Why couldn't he tell me himself?

And then I remembered that The Drummer wasn't the most direct guy. I don't know if he put our friend up to the task--indirectly or directly. And then I realized he hasn't changed. These were the reasons we're not together anymore.

• He's got to make it all seem okay when it's not.
• He wasn't going to tell me, but he was going to keep refusing my invitations to meet up.
• I was making all of the effort when he was disinterested.

And then I felt a lot of guilt. Like I had pushed him away and then he retreated and then it became this pattern back and forth. I felt sorry for myself for a good hour or so. I texted a bunch of friends for sympathy. Classic Me.

Then I thought about it some more. It's over. I need to believe that it's over. I need to move on. Not into someone else's arms. But into my own arms. I need to embrace myself and love myself and date myself for a while. I don't want to be with anyone. Maybe I was scared to be alone. Maybe that's why I stayed so long. I loved him. I wasn't suffering. But it had just gotten so complacent and I was part of that. For some reason we weren't allowing each other to grow.

I know I don't want to be back with him. And I'm honestly bummed that he's got a boyfriend. I'd like to be a bigger person, but I'm not. Not tonight, anyway.

I am grateful for friends who have kicked me in the ass.

I am grateful for the love we had.

I am grateful for the ability and capacity to move on.

I am grateful that life has been good to me.

I am grateful for distracting airport Direct TV that has Bravo.

I am grateful for Bethenny Frankel and her one liners.

What My Month Long Cleanse Taught Me

Five years ago when I went through my previous break up, I went on a cleanse. The purpose of that was to find out what I didn't need in my life and in my body. I became aware that there are things we thoughtlessly allow into our lives when we're not paying attention. Mindless eating becomes mindless friendships, relationships, messages about ourselves, messages about others, jealousy, envy, hatred, etc. I vowed to become more mindful in how I proceed through life. I also wanted to be mindful about what I allowed into my life.

I think it was that first step toward  mindfulness which has lead to my desire for silence which has lead to my stillness and meditation practices. Now that I have just finished another cleanse after another relationship has ended, maybe there are different things to be left with. After that first cleanse, I stopped drinking coffee and haven't touched it since. I've gotten rid of most caffeine as well, although I'll have green tea from time to time and chocolate.

I did not miss alcohol at all. I realize that it's a coping mechanism.  I don't miss cigarettes. I don't miss dairy all that much. I didn't necessarily miss meat until I smelled a roast chicken the other night. It made me want to eat something meaty. But for me, meaty is warm, salty, comforting, chewy. It's not necessarily meat. I need something that has that mouth feel or that savory quality. Vegetables all of the time don't have that. Beans have the warmth, but not the chew. Lentils can get close to that with ground beef. I do love lentils. My soy chorizo gets very close to that in a lot of ways, even though that seems to be somewhat processed.

I also realize that I don't have to be strict. Or that I can be strict, but I don't have to punish myself or feel bad if I slip. I just start back up again or I make up for it in a different way. When I had that grilled cheese on white bread with french fries the night I broke up with The Drummer, I didn't feel good afterward. It didn't feel like a real treat. Sushi felt amazing. It felt good for me. It felt pure. It was fantastic.

I realize that I have certain foods that I like and respond to in the vegan realm. I love a noodle. I love kale. I get into vegan tacos. I do enjoy my oatmeal in the morning as a consistent way to wake up. It feels akin to my meditation. The day starts out the same way every morning. That's very helpful.

So here are the things I realize I like after the cleanse:

• Kale
• Lentils
• Sushi
• Fish
• Red meat and chicken occasionally
• Certain types of dairy

Here are the things that I could do with less of:

• Cheese
• Dairy
• Red meat and chicken
• White potatoes, white bread, white sugar

I would love to cut out sugar completely from my diet. It's an energy thing much like the caffeine. I would love to know what it's like to cut out sugar from my diet. My dried cranberries have a little bit of sugar. That seems ambitious, but so did caffeine at one point.

I did not feel crazy at any point during the cleanse. Meaning, I didn't go through withdrawals. I didn't start craving tons of salt or sugar. During that first cleanse, I really started craving sugar in a mad way. I think that means that I've done a good job in these five years to be more mindful of what I eat. I cut out a lot of processed food. I cut out soda a lot, although I did go back to it a bit in the last few months of my relationship. I realize now that I was craving comfort and I was rewarding myself with root beer. Root beer is a great cheat for me. I love it so. But maybe I will choose craft root beer. It's much richer and it feels more decadent. 

I'm not going to deprive myself of anything. But again, there are things I know I can do without. This cleanse really is helping me deal with how I take care of myself. My instinct when I knew things were going south with the relationship was to go for a vegan and alcohol cleanse. Just like when I would go out of town and my instinct would be to go running every day and to live the healthy lifestyle I wasn't living at home. I love that my instinct is towards self care and not towards self-destruction. I started smoking again after the last break up. I have not had a cigarette this time around. It was a healthier relationship, so maybe I didn't need to. But it was also something the Drummer and I would do occasionally. And it was a habit he used to have that he started up again. That was his self-destructive nature coming out.

My cleanse has taught me so much about what I want. The saying, "You are what you eat" has never been truer for me. I am what I allow in. Everything I allow is a reflection of who I am as a person.

As I venture into non-vegan, non-sober territory this month, I have a lot to think about. I'm not putting the pressure on myself to be vegan or sober during my birthday month. But I don't want to go back to bad habits, either. My body feels so much better as it processes out most of the things it takes in. It just takes what it needs and it gets rid of what it doesn't. A good functioning filtration system can teach me a lot about what I need to let pass through me and what I should not hold onto. I'm going to make things a lot easier on myself going forward.

I am grateful for cleanses.

I am grateful for lighter meals.

I am grateful for honest communication.

I am grateful for being single.

I am grateful for hope and optimism.

A Supportive Boyfriend

I've had a lot of time to think over the past five days. I have been nothing but a supportive boyfriend to the last two men I was in long term relationships with. Maybe I should have been less supportive. Because that's time away from the stuff I needed to focus on. For the first two years of our relationship specifically, I needed an escape from my father's illness. So I went to gigs. I hung out with him and his friends. We went away on weekends. We did a lot of stuff together. And I absolutely loved it. I have great memories of the camping trips and the drives. I felt like we were at our best when we were away from everything. When he was away from his drum set and I was away from my lap top.

But as things got busier for me, we drifted apart. I had been supportive of him, but now I needed to be supported in getting back to the work I needed to do. And I worked really hard. But the harder I worked, the more strain our relationship seemed to take on. I could tell he felt my absence when I wasn't going to gigs as much any more or when it was harder to make plans. But throughout all of that, his schedule never budged. Any time that we would spend together needed to be taken out of my time to do the things I needed to do. And last year cemented the deal. I had even less time for him than I had the year before. The time we had together I tried to make the most out of. But he already felt abandoned because I was applying for jobs out of town. I can understand that. But he would never hesitate to take a job if he needed to. And he wouldn't have discussed it with me.

So the less time I had for him, the less supportive he felt. Yes, it's true that The Drummer is a nicer guy on the surface than the Ex. But The Drummer is also passive aggressive and doesn't like confrontation. So he started pulling away and he started doing things that showed he had less interest. He started to tease me more in ways that had the sting of truth to them. But he was never direct. And when he was direct, he was angry. He didn't know how to separate the two.

Now that we've been out of this relationship for five days, I see all of the ways that I put him before myself. I tried to make it all work. The main thing I did this time around that I didn't do with The Ex is that I always made time for myself. Despite his objections to it. I know that put strain on us and that is eventually what led to the break up. But I couldn't let go of the things that I needed to do. And that paid off. Because I left the relationship with material to show for. When the Ex and I broke up, I didn't have that. I was committed to so many other things that I didn't have any time for myself to write and I was left having to start from scratch. I didn't have to start over this time. I just now have more time to do what I've been doing all along. And I'm capable of that.

I've cleared the path way. I've cleared the launching pad for my rocket ship to take off. I'm a good, supportive friend. I go out of my way for the people I love and respect. And that's usually returned in kind. My mother made an observation recently that The Drummer never felt comfortable in front of my friends. At my best friend's wedding, he stayed at the table hanging out with my mother while I was dancing and socializing with her family, to whom I'm like a brother and a son. He often remarked with different sets of friends who were cultured and social that he felt he was being judged. I didn't even notice that he didn't like my friends. But I went out of my way to get along with his friends and it was easy because they were all wonderful people. I didn't have to try hard. But neither did he because my friends are wonderful people. But he never got that. He kept finding places for himself to feel excluded and rejected because of his personal history. He'd hate that I was diagnosing him or that I was discussing it in a blog.

The good thing is that when I felt like he was trying to squash my personal dignity, I ignored him. But the bad thing is that I was in a relationship where someone was trying to make me feel bad about myself. It wasn't as bad as the last guy. But it was more subversive. And he definitely didn't think he was doing that. He sees himself as the good guy. It's vital to his sense of himself that he is the good guy. But we all have our dark sides and our blind spots. No one's the good guy all of the time.

Given what happened to me last time, I should have known better. But he's charming and he really is sweet. But his core wasn't so generous. Other people noticed this. Even when I don't have that much, I give. But he wouldn't. And it's not about money, but it's about time and thoughtfulness. Even when he would pick up the bill, I could tell that it was killing him. Like the night we broke up. He picked up the check, but he did so reluctantly and like he was doing me a favor.

I still love him. That's going to take awhile to go away. But he wasn't a supportive boyfriend. It pains me to say that and to even think it. But he was not a supportive boyfriend. When he needed things, I was there and I didn't ask. But when I needed things, it was different. He'd say that he helped put a roof over my head. But he held that over my head and never let me forget it. He also never acknowledged or thanked me when I did things for him. On the other hand, that's what I get for depending on someone so much. That's completely on me. I can't let him take the fall for that.

I wanted kind. I got sweet. That's better than bitter, angry and verbally abusive. But it's still not enough.

I am grateful for what I know now.
I am grateful for the love we had.
I am grateful for the friends in my life who have come out for me.
I am grateful for support that continues to show up.
I am grateful for friends who know the person I am.

Denial as a Default

Funny: the things we return to time and time again. Denial's one of those things for me. When I get into a relationship, eventually I start denying myself certain things in service to the other person. I've got to fix that.

I'm waking up between 7-7:30 am these days. And I'm going to bed around midnight or 1 AM at the latest. That's my natural state. Seven hours of sleep is my natural state. Waking up early and getting my day started right away is my natural state. The Drummer is a night owl because he's a musician and likes to go to bed around 3 AM or later. It always bothered him that we weren't on the same schedule and I thought that was fascinating. I wrote it off as him making a big deal out of nothing. But to him, it was major. It said a lot about our compatibility. But what regular person keeps that sort of schedule. I had no problem with him going to bed at one time and me at another. But I did compromise when it came to waking up. I didn't get up earlier than 10 AM. I had a schedule that could support that. And I managed to get a lot done in my schedule. But it never felt natural. I denied myself my natural state.

I stopped asking for the things I needed. I needed better sex. I needed more kissing and passion, not just jerking off side by side. We weren't buddies. We were boyfriends. I needed someone who was more open with himself and more vulnerable. I had someone who looked right, who said the right things and who did enough of the right things to be seen as a good guy. And, in truth, that's a hell of a lot better than the Ex was after our break up (We have since reconciled and the Ex asked to make amends with me about six months ago after being sober for two years and counting).

I told myself that it wasn't as bad as the situation before that. Maybe that's why I stuck around. It was a low grade level of not perfect. It wasn't drag down fights and door slamming and shoe throwing. It was a quieter separation. It was a gradual dying. And now as the days continue to add up and separate us even further, it's clear that so much was wrong between us. 

In the next few weeks and months, I guess I should figure out why denial is my default. This is the luxurious time to do work on myself. But the truth is every day, even when in a relationship, should be an opportunity to do some outpatient work. Right now, I'm in full on inpatient care. But when I'm done with the more intensive work, I need to check in with myself every day and not fall back into denial. I need awareness to be my default.

I am grateful for the break up.

I am grateful for new awareness that's coming.

I am grateful for the loneliness that teaches me about what I really want.

I am grateful that I know how to take care of myself.

Just When You Think You've Conquered Something...

Last night I almost broke up with my boyfriend.

Things had been rough for awhile and we weren't really connecting. We weren't talking much. We weren't having sex. We were two separate people occupying the same space. And he had brought this up a lot. I felt like things could get better. But I didn't know how to make them better. There was a lot of talk about what we didn't have in common, which isn't something that ever bothered me. But we weren't sharing time together and when we were together we had nothing to relate to each other about.

But neither one of us knew how to get out of it.

Then yesterday things exploded. I had met him out at a sports bar to watch the Packers play and immediately I had bad energy. I didn't want to be there. I didn't feel comfortable. I had visible distain for the whole situation. And he knew it.

So when he got home, we had a conversation. We had many conversations dancing around the topic of us not connecting, but every time he had said that he didn't want to break up and that it wasn't about us breaking up. I felt relieved to hear that, but I also felt like that might not be true. What we were going through felt serious and I felt like he wasn't acknowledging it. Then he said, "We might not be the right fit."

There it was. The thing that I had been afraid of. The thought that was lingering in the air. My first thought was I knew it! Then I wondered if this was truly where we were. Was this the break up conversation? We both agreed that there didn't seem to be any way out. We both felt like we had tried and had once been connected. I felt like he had thrown his hands in the air and given up. Then I said something I hadn't expected to say.

I told him that I still resented him for not being there when my Dad died. I didn't feel supported. And because of things in his personal history, I never pushed it. I just assumed that him not being there for me was just something I would have to deal with. Besides, I had friends who were supportive. I was able to get support from other places. So I did what I try not to do--I pushed my feelings down, didn't acknowledge them and kept moving forward with my process of mourning. I didn't notice it right away because I had plenty of people in my life who had lost parents. I had my mother and my brother. I had other friends who were there for me.

After I told him that, we continued to talk about other things. What would we do now? Then he had to go teach a few music lessons and I decided to go visit my friends Susan and Clayton. We had dinner together where we talked about it. Susan told me to be patient. They both acknowledged that I should have someone in my life who supports me. I didn't know if this was it for us. When I broke up with the Ex, I had said that I wanted someone who was kind.  I needed to bring kindness into my life. And the Drummer had done that. Maybe that's all he came to do. And now that he brought kindness into my life, maybe that was it. The relationship had run its course.

As I left Susan and Clayton's I got a call from the Drummer. He was going to hit a few balls at the driving range before coming home to clear his head. I got home and ate something. I had just had dinner, but I felt like I needed to eat something. Then he came home. He wasn't feeling good. He was sick to his stomach. The revelation that I resented him for not being there for me hit him hard. He felt disappointed. He felt like he had failed me. I told him I never brought it up in any real way because he has some pain around family issues and I didn't want to disrespect him by asking for support. He had legitimate pain and I had legitimate pain and I didn't want to fight over whose pain was the deepest. He told me that it all made sense now. Knowing that I had resentment around how supportive he could be for me explained everything. He had losses he didn't think it was important to acknowledge. He also didn't remember saying the things I told him he said. I assured him that he said them and that they had a bigger impact than he realized.

Something broke. Something was shaken. The walls had been lifted or broken through. We suddenly had a place of understanding that we didn't have before. Then he asked me to hold him. And as I held him and rubbed his back, it felt closer than it had felt in a long time. It felt real. We both felt the love between us that had been missing. And we both acknowledged that we missed it.

I seriously thought it was over last night. I had prepared myself for it. I was scared. We both were.

And where do we go from here? How do we keep things from falling backwards? I think we keep talking. We have achieved a level of openness that we really didn't have before. I told him that I wanted to tell him how I felt now instead of six months after our break up, when we would have that "catch up" conversation where we could really be honest with each other with some distance from the relationship. I wanted to tell him now, so that at least he would know what was going on with me. And it was the thing that saved our relationship. As scary as that was to say, it saved us.

I am grateful for honesty.
I am grateful for an open minded and open hearted partner in life.
I am grateful to conquer fear.
I am grateful for the things that scare me.
I am grateful for the opportunity for renewal.

Patterns: Letting Go

In my conversation with the boyfriend today, I realized that certain patterns still exist.  My tarot card reading last month said that I'm still playing out past relationships.

The boyfriend said that we might break up if I move away for a job.
The boyfriend said that he has to work hard to pay for what we have.

The Ex used to say these things all of the time.

I wonder if I have to look at this stuff again, both my involvement and my ability to keep revisiting the same issues.

I thought I chose differently this time and now I'm having doubts.

My tarot reading also said that I have to be firm in my belief that I'm good enough and I have to be strong in my own self confidence.

That conversation made me really firm in what I want for myself.

I am going to progress full steam ahead, knowing that I am not planning on letting my relationship go.  But as the reading also said, I have done everything I can for this relationship in terms of my love for it. The rest is not up to me.

I have given myself fully to him.  And that has to be enough.

If it's not enough for him, then that's on him.  I know that I love him.  I know that my love for him has not wavered.

I get frustrated.  I get insecure.  But my love for him is strong.  As strong as it has always been.

I am letting go of that responsibility.  If life brings me an opportunity that is right for me and it is out of town, I am going out of town.  He would not hesitate if a great opportunity came for him.  It's a double standard.  And I'm not going to be bound by his double standard.  He would go for it because he believes he deserves it and because he's a musician and that's what musicians do.

I wish he felt the same about writers.

I am grateful for the opportunities that have come my way.
I am grateful for an open mind and an open heart.
I am grateful that I am learning new things about myself every day.

Push/Pull

In my last relationship, whenever something good would happen to me or whenever I felt I was making a stride in a particular area of my life, something would happen in my relationship to pull me back.

I don't feel that same push/pull as strongly with The Drummer, but…

I had two great things happen to me yesterday.  I had a great meeting with an actor I met on a shoot for a friend's web series who is interested in putting together an evening of theatre and might want to use something I've written.  And then I got what seems to be an offer from Portland to come up and do a workshop with their students.

I shared this information with my boyfriend.  I should back up.  I came home wanting to share that with the boyfriend, but he was in the middle of getting set up for a songwriting and recording session.  He was stressed, he was trying to get things together, and he was seemingly ignoring me.  I didn't feel it was the right time to launch into my news, partially because I knew I wouldn't get the reception I wanted.  So I waited after he finished and we went outside for a cigarette.

Then I shared the news about the Portland gig with him.  He then started talking about how that means I'm going to move there and that my brother must be excited because I'm going to move there and on and on.  But I'm not moving there yet, I tried to explain to him.  But I saw it.  I saw him start to make the separation real.

The truth is that I have been applying for jobs out of state because there doesn't seem to be anything here for me and I need to start looking at other options.

So last night the guys worked.  But the boyfriend was keeping his distance.  And this morning I got up and he seemed to be disturbed that I was getting up to work out.  Actually, I didn't realize he was bugged out until I got back.  I asked him if he was up to anything later before his gig.  He asked me "Why?"  I started to get the sense that there was something going on.  And my feelings started to get hurt.  So I opened up the conversation:

"I feel like you're starting to make the separation as if I'm moving to Portland for sure when nothing has happened yet."

"It's going to happen."

"I don't know that yet."

"But you're putting energy behind it.  It's going to happen."

And then he said something devastating: He said that if I moved to Portland and was gone for eight months out of the year that for sure we would break up.

That sounded familiar.  I feel like I'm in a Big/Petrofsky situation.  The Ex used to say that if I moved out of town for a job we would break up for sure.  So I never entertained the idea.  The Drummer waited until the ball was rolling to express his concerns when the whole time I've been applying for jobs out of town - the past several months - he's been saying that I need to go where the opportunities are.  That has been what he has said our entire relationship.  That gave me comfort and made me feel that we would be willing to work something out if we needed to go long distance. That's not what he's saying now.  He's saying pretty much what the Ex used to say.  At least the Ex let me know where he stood from the get go instead of saying the "right thing" - the thing you're supposed to say.

And I fell apart.  I understand the stress and strain of a long distance relationship.  But I don't want to say good bye before it's time to say good bye.  Is our relationship dying?

I'm grateful The Drummer finally had the balls to say what was in his heart.
I'm grateful that I am in a different place now and that I know what I need to do.
I'm grateful for what we have.  And I'm not putting it into the past tense.  
I'm grateful that I want to live in the now and that I said what I needed to say to him without fear and without reservation.
I am grateful that I am a different person now than I was three years ago and it shows.

Letting Go…Again

A phrase in my tarot reading last week kept jumping out at me and I haven't not been able to figure out exactly what it means…

You need to let go of a certain vision of a relationship as the only way you can be happy.

Until last night.

Understandably, I immediately thought of my relationship with The Drummer.  I have this idea that one person needs to be the pusher and the other person should be softer and more compliant.  This idea of a relationship goes back to my parents and it's the way I was raised.  And knowing that "the serpent has outlived its purpose" it makes sense that I need to let go of that kind of relationship.  But that's not the whole story.

My friend Dave, who has been a spiritual adviser for me since I was fifteen, came through town last night and we got together for coffee.  I filled him in on what has been going on with me.  I mentioned that I had been struggling.  Ever since my Dad died, I feel like I have held onto him.  When he was alive, he did not get along.  But since his death, I have been acting a lot more like him than I ever expected.  I have been short with people, gruff, pointed and poking my nose in business where it doesn't belong.  I told Dave that I had been struggling with this notion I have in my head that those qualities are all I have left of my Dad and if I let them go, then I have to let him go.  I got teary.

Dave leaned in and said, "And if you let that go, then who are you?  You don't know who you are without that relationship.  But you have to let go of your old self in order for your new self to emerge."

Yes.

Then that phrase popped into my head:

You need to let go of a certain vision of a relationship as the only way you can be happy.

That's it.  I have a relationship with myself that I need to let go of.  And it relates to letting go of the negative messages I tell myself.

My Father was so negative and so much of that seeped into my consciousness.  I have to let it go.  I have to let him go.

Later, the Drummer and I recapped the conversation with Dave.  He said that he never remembers me saying one positive thing about my Dad when he was alive.  True.

Dave said that I need to find small ways to let go of my need to meddle and judge.  I don't have to let go all at once.  But I need to find daily ways, a daily practice of sorts, to let go.  By that time, the Drummer had joined us and I looked over at him.  I told Dave that the Drummer has become my teacher.  Because a lot of my passion to tell people what they should be doing with their lives is about the Drummer.  Because he's the person I have such profound love for.  And I tell myself that I'm just hard on him because I love him so much.

The Drummer mentioned to me months ago that I talk about my Dad a lot. This was after Dad had died.  I remember being so ticked off.  How could he be so insensitive?  Of course I talk about my Dad a lot!  He had recently died!  And I think my relationship to my parents is so foreign to the Drummer.  But I need to talk about Dad because that's the relationship that has defined me for most of my life.  Really until recently.  I was working through it a lot then and I'm still working through it a lot now.  But until Dave had so concisely stated it…really, who am I without that relationship?  I hadn't put it together in such succinct terms.

And that's the relationship I need to redefine.  The one with myself.

As my favorite TV show philosopher said ten years ago…

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.  And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."

I am a Carrie after all.

I am grateful to Dave for encapsulating that message for me.
I am grateful that Dave has been in my life for the past 25 years.
I am grateful that I figured that message out from my tarot card reading.
I am grateful that I can start living that and letting my old self die so my new self can emerge.

Not My Problem

When I worked in advertising years ago, I was a project manager.  It was our job to keep everyone on schedule.  We were the liaisons between all of the departments: creatives, account managers, studio artists, etc.  We used to have a saying when work was being handed over to us that wasn't our responsibility: Not my job.  

Today, I had two situations happen where I decided to not do what I usually do, which is butt in and make everything my business.  I decided that I would just listen to what was going on and not try to fix a problem that was not mine.

First up:
My Mom is having some work done to her house.  She had two types of termites and needed to punch a hole in the wall to see where they were.  That resulted in a huge mess that involved two contractors and putting up new drywall.  It's too long and a painful story to share here, but it involves my little widow of a mother getting ripped off, me going off on a crazy contractor and then doing what I usually do--which is make it all my problem.

So today I get to her house, thinking I'm going to meet with our contractor to go over the job after it has been completed.  But when I get there the guys working on the job haven't shown up.  I haven't been able to get a hold of the contractor and there's a final thing they need to do so that the exterminator can treat the soil for subterranean termites tomorrow.  My mother, who works nights (not like that), had stayed up so she could wait for the guys.  But she never found out what time they were coming.  She didn't ask them.  Also there was a possibility this final part of the job wasn't going to be done in time for the exterminators tomorrow.  The details weren't being attended to and that really bugged the fuck out of me.  But I decided to take a step back.  I did talk to our contractor and let him know what needed to be done and he was perfectly compliant.  But I had to realize that no matter what happened, my mother had to be responsible.  If the hole they cut out in the floor wasn't big enough, she had to be responsible to coordinate the guys coming back and doing the job before the exterminators came.  And if it didn't happen, it didn't happen.  And if she spent more money than she should have, then it's her money to spend.  I cannot solve all of her problems.  And I shouldn't reach to solve all of her problems out of instinct either.  It's not my job.

I did all right.  But I need to remember to do that more.

Second story:
The Drummer is producing a radio show and I'm helping him with it.  He interviews drummers and other musicians and they talk about all things related to drumming.  He's great at it and he has a close friend who has been a mother figure to him who originally produced the show with him.  But she has a tendency to go MIA whenever he does something she doesn't like.  He's dependent on her to book certain guests and it's not happening.  Today he calls me and tells me that for the third time she has gone MIA.  This is after they had a huge blow out and she walked away from producing the show.  Then she felt bad and came back with her tail between her legs, but he decided that she could just be a co-host and not produce.  Then I came on board to produce.  I have had very clear boundaries about what I will do and won't do.  So when he calls me to complain about how she's not being responsive to his texts and emails, I let it go.  I told him that he needs to decide what's right for him.  I gave him some advice, but I didn't start solving the problem for him.  I also avoided the impulse to say, "I told you so." I had the feeling she would do this again.  It seemed pretty inevitable, actually.  I did let him know that he had a part in it as well and that he needed to be responsible for that.  So I butt in a bit.  But I really tried to remove myself from the situation.

I like to fix everything.  I don't like my own life being disrupted by other people's anxiety.  So in order to make myself feel better, I just get involved.  My therapist would say that is not the right thing to do.  And we've been working over the past year to NOT do that.  I'm getting better, although I still try to make everything my job.  I wasn't perfect this time, but at least I pressed pause and realized what I was doing.  And in both cases, I pulled back my reaction.  I can't live my own life if I'm trying to live everyone else's.

Peace and Quiet?

The Drummer and I were having sex the other day.  We were trying a few different positions.  I sat on it.  He turned me over and got me from behind and then I noticed something.  When I would get loud (which I always do...I'm Latin!), he asked me to quiet down.  Normal, right?  Then I put my head in the pillow (he did NOT force my head in the pillow, btw) and started screaming in that "hurts so good" kind of way.  He got more aggressive!

Then I decided to see what would happen when I was quieter, but "above water" as it were.  His pace slowed down.  Then when I put my face in the pillow again and got real vocal again he quickened his pace and pounded it out.  Okay, so I'll admit that in the moment it was really hot. I even kind of "faked it" a bit to add to the vibe and he LOVED it.  But afterwards I thought: "Is that what he really wants?  An anonymous body with its ass up in the air taking it from behind?"

I've got a mouth (again, I'm Latin).  I've got spice and sass and all of that stuff.  He likes it.  But maybe he just wants me to shut up sometimes.  Is that bad?

Is it bad that I was turned on by screaming into the pillow because I knew he'd hit it harder?

We're two years in and the sex was some of the hottest we've had.  And I want to keep it hot.  But do I have to stiffle my voice to release the passion in my relationship?

I couldn't help but wonder...

The Meeting

Okay, so now for a light bit of sharing (aka gossip).  The Drummer and the Ex just met each other a few weeks ago at LA Gay Pride.  Being completely honest, I have thought about how this meeting would go SEVERAL times over the past two years.  When I say several, I probably really mean hundreds.

I had gotten an invite to a friend's annual Pride Brunch.  This was a brunch that I went to every year when I was with The Ex.  We had a blast.  Lots of vodka.  Then we would all head to the parade and eventually all lose each other and have stories of our "lost Pride Sunday" to share the next time that we would find ourselves in the same room together.  Obviously, I hadn't been invited back since the Ex and I broke up.  This was his friend and I totally get it.

But this year, I got an invite.  And I thought, "Why the hell not?"  Enough time had passed and honestly, I thought that it was high time these two met.  I wasn't going to be fearful about how it was going to go down.  So The Drummer and I went with another friend of ours.  He wasn't there when we arrived.  So I just headed straight to the vodka and we all had drinks.  I saw some old friends I haven't seen in almost three years.  It was a great catch up.  There was one person in particular who definitely seemed a little scared to see me.  He looked at me like he was going to get in trouble when my Ex found out that we had talked.  Actually, he looked as if my Ex had a mini bomb implanted in his skull that was about to go off.

So we came and went from the party without seeing him.  We went to go watch the parade and as he headed down the street towards the parade I saw a mutual friend of ours and then I saw the Ex and his boyfriend.  I had enough vodka in me that I didn't skip a beat.  I went and talked to the friend first.

While we were chatting, I caught the eye of my Ex.  Also, I should mention at this point that The Drummer has no idea who I'm taking to.  It could be any gay friend of mine.  So after we caught each other's eye and I waved, I marched up to my Ex.  I gave him a hug and probably a kiss on the cheek.  Maybe.  Then I looked down at his shorts.  My Ex is quite the dresser and I saw these shorts with embroidered spiders on them.  It was a classic moment.  My heart got a little warm and I smiled because OF COURSE he had shorts with embroidered spiders.  Just like I would always picture him: a great pair of Prada loafers or a jaunty chapeau or embroidered shorts.

The first thing I said to him was, "It's good to see you."  We chatted for a second.  But then I felt I needed to introduce the Drummer.  So I said, "This is my boyfriend, _____."  Then I turned to The Drummer, who still had no idea who I was about to introduce him to and I said, "_____, this is ___."  It was after the fact, that The Drummer said, "Holy shit, I didn't realize that was ____."  They said hello to one another and then the Ex introduced me to his guy.

And this is the thing that struck me then and still sticks with me.  He never introduced him as his boyfriend, just by his name.  It felt dismissive.  And I have no right to say how this guy should be treated because as another friend mentioned to me a couple of weeks later, it's really up to the boyfriend how he wants to be treated.  Agreed.  So that was over and the last thing I said to my ex was also, "It was good to see you."  And we were off.

Admittedly, I was a little freaked out.  But it happened.  The Drummer was awesome in his surprise at the meeting that finally happened.  And he never said a discouraging thing about him.  Come to think about it, neither did I.  And frankly, that's a little surprising.

I've told friends recently that in my fantasy life, my Ex and I have lunch together.  We sit at some great outdoor table, share a bottle of Soave and say, "Wasn't that a wild ride?  Wow, we were young then."  Then we clink glasses.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could be that civilized?  It would actually be very Noel Coward, which I know would probably tickle us both.

Do Not Disturb

I had a phone interview for a teaching job this morning and had to get up early.  Went well.  I think I said everything I wanted to say.  Was going to crawl back into bed with the boyfriend, but when I looked in I saw he was snoring.  He can be sensitive to sound and noise, so I didn't want to disturb him.  Instead I took a shower.  I have been on the internet, reading things.  He looked so peaceful with the pillow over his face and a slight snore coming out of his nostrils.  

He's cute.

That's all.

The Mountain

The Drummer took me on a hike last week.  My quads are still in pain.

He has been going on this hike in Burbank that's mostly incline.  Apparently, you climb 2700 feet during the course of the hike.  It sounded all right.  I am in decent shape.  Well, I haven't been to the gym much lately.  But I'm not fat.  I ran a marathon!  Okay, that was five years ago.  But still!

So we drive up to the park where we need to start the hike.  He keeps pointing out how high up we have to climb.  I feel like I might kill him.

We start the hike.  It's tough, but fine.  We go higher and higher.  I'm happy whenever there's a place where the road levels off.  There aren't that many.  Then we reach a place where there are a lot of switchbacks.  I have to take several breaks.  On each one, The Drummer has to point out how far we've come.  I don't want to look behind me.  I want to look in front of me.  I take my break and continue forward.  The breaks become more frequent.  I don't know if I can do it.  If it's this steep coming up, I can only imagine how it's going to feel going down with gravity pulling me forward.  I try not to think about it too much.  But then, as it gets more painful.  And I blurt out:

"I am not very happy right now!"

The boyfriend thinks this is endearing.  I just want to push him off the mountain.  But I keep going.  And on our last break, we both look at the city.

"Look how far we've come," he says.

I'm trying to catch my breath.

"This is like a metaphor for life.  Just when you're about to achieve your goal, you're about to quit."

I think about that as I'm looking down at LA.  There are those moments in my life where I got so close to something that I quit before realizing how hard it was.  And I didn't want to do that.  The Drummer kept trying to remind me how accomplished I would feel when I was done.  I didn't want to hear it.  But I kept moving and suddenly, we were at the top.  We had made it.

And as I looked out, he was right.  The sense of accomplishment took all of that insecurity away.  Now I know there's yet another thing I can do if I set my mind to it.  I've climbed the mountain.  And the next time I climb it, it will be easier.  I will know what to expect.  And now I know that I can make it to the top of the mountain and reflect back on my journey.  I won't quit.

Back 2013

I have taken a break from writing this blog for about five months.  I have thought about getting back here several times over that period, but life just started happening.

Here's a quick recap on the things that have happened, month by month:

January:
I was supposed to do a rewrite of my play OPEN, which involves open marriage.  I got sick and then went to Portland with my Mom to celebrate her 67th and my nephew's 1st birthdays.  The trip was wonderful.  We had time to share together and I got to take my Mom around town.  I also got the chance to be with friends.  I hadn't been back in Portland since April of the previous year.  So it was good to be back in a town that I love.  I was also sick during that trip and lost my voice.  I had to guest teach a class at Santa Clara on finding agents and managers.  That was a significant trip for me (for reasons that will become clear soon).  I gave this lecture, which was a powerful thing to do.  I feel the students really got a lot out of it.  Kristin, the professor I worked with, asked me to come back in February to do another class.  However, she said that the university wouldn't be able to pay me twice.  I didn't like that, but at the time I felt like I wanted to be there for the students.  But when I drove home, I realized that I would be giving away my expertise for free.  Right then and there I decided not to do that.  So I emailed Kristin and told her why I couldn't teach the second class.  I don't want to be giving my goodies away for free.  I want to get paid for my expertise.

February:
I turned 40.  I had two birthday parties: one at the roller rink and one at a Latina drag bar.  A bunch of friends came out for my parties and I felt loved.  My boyfriend, The Drummer, was able to make it to both, which really made it special for me.  He can't make it to a lot of weekend activities because of his playing schedule, so it was get really difficult.  This birthday was significant to me for a lot of reasons, one of them being this was the first one since my Dad died.  And this birthday was a big one.  It also signifies that I have become an adult.  Along with my Dad dying, this was another opportunity for me to step into my adulthood.

I used to be shy about admitting my age because in Hollywood, youth is valued.  But in my journey, I realize that I have a lot of experience that I was not valuing because I was pretending to be younger than I am.  That allowed people to treat me like a child.  It also allowed people to believe that I had a lot of time ahead of me.  And yes, 40 is not 80.  But these are the years where things start coming into fruition.  I have to own who I am.  And that person is 40.  That person has gone to college, worked in advertising, ran an arts education program for runaways, moved to New York, worked as an events manager, gone to NYU to get a Master of Fine Arts, worked in TV production and development and as a de facto executive, been up for several awards, fellowships and TV writing jobs, has made every job he has ever worked more than just the title he worked under (but has never stepped it up to demand that title), taught on the University level, taken care of his dying father and held his family together, written at least ten full length plays and eight TV pilots, co-directed a theatre project and survived several hard relationships throughout his life.  I deserve to be 40 and to own that authority and the power and position that comes along with all of that.  Yes, as my therapist and I have discussed, the age is just a title, but I need to own the high-level position that I have created for myself.  And now I do.

March:

The first half of March was all about our family vacation to Hawaii to spread my Dad's ashes and to come together as a family.  That was a beautiful experience and one which I will share on a future blog entry in greater detail.  But it was an emotional experience and a significant one for me.  And it closed an important chapter in my life.

I also have been writing my new pilot throughout this whole time and including through March.  When I got back from Hawaii, I decided that I needed a fresh start in one area of my life that still felt like my old life: my career.  I fired my long time manager (and former employer) because as my tarot reading said over a year ago: "the serpent has outlived its purpose."  The serpent was still slithering around in this one area of my life and now it was time to let him go.  And I did.  And that set up the next stage of my life...

April:

I kept writing this pilot through the first couple weeks of April.  I wanted to write about my Dad and write about things I love: food, restaurants, family, legacy.  As of this posting, I am actually putting on some final finishing touches on this pilot.

After I let go of my management, I realized I needed to take the matters of my career in my own hands. I had always been good out of relationships.  I never worried about finding the one or asking myself when Prince Charming was riding along on his white stallion.  But when it came to my career, I was desperate at every turn to have Prince Charming show up and save me from mopping Hollywood's floors.  I am adopting the approach I have to dating: don't worry about it, have fun and do my thing.  Everything else will fall into its place and the good fortune will be attracted to me when I express truly who I am.

That being said, I started reaching out to people in my life who can help out in that capacity.  I saw my friend Jack, who's a show runner, and we caught up.  I saw my friend Matt who works at CAA.  I got together with my friend Robert, who is an EP on Dallas, and he read the new script and have me major props and a couple of notes, which I am implementing right now.  I have a deadline for an award application coming up this week and Robert's notes are helping me make this script exactly what it should be.

The other thing that happened is that one of my best friends, Veronica got married on April 13th.  I went up a few days early to Santa Clara to spend time with my students and friends.  I also was writing a lot when I was there on that trip, knowing that I needed to keep working on this script and didn't need to be distracted.  When I went to visit the theatre department, I dropped in on Barbara, the head of the department, and the woman I used to work for.  She also was a professor of mine when I was in school.  She didn't expect me to show up in her office, since V didn't invite the faculty because she didn't want to exclude anyone.  But she had some interesting news.

A position had just opened up for the 2013/2014 academic school year in Playwriting.  It would be five courses: two intro to Playwriting classes, one class in Adaptation, one course that involved the Playwrights Festival and a class in Social Justice and the Arts.  I was in shock.  Back in November, when I went to visit and talked to Kristin about doing her class in January, I was inspired to create syllabi for five courses I felt I could teach if ever asked.  And here I was in a position to use that information.  The decision making process would be short.  They would post the position in a few weeks (still waiting for that to happen) and they would need to make a decision by June, which is when the school year ends.  My jaw was on the floor.  I consulted with some colleagues about whether or not I should apply.  My fear has always been that I would be taken out of LA and those dreams wouldn't come true.  But I am trying to adopt a policy of saying yes to every opportunity and seeing where that takes me.  And there's nothing to say that I can't have a successful playwriting career, a thriving teaching career and a bountiful career as a TV show creator, producer and writer.  I would like to have all of those balls in the air simultaneously.  And I know I could juggle all of those balls and keep them bouncing.

So this month has been about big changes, big possibilities and moving on from my father's death.  It has been nine months since he passed.  Incredible.

So now I'm truly back to this blog.  Hope to write some more soon.  There's a ton going on, but now more than ever I want to document what's happening on my journey.

Stay tuned.

Hitting Reset

There's a lot going on right now.
I'm supposed to be rewriting a play that I'm having a partial reading of in Washington DC next weekend.  But of course I'm getting wrapped up in the research and it being totally amazing.
I have a workshop that I'm doing in January of another play that I wrote this year.
January's going to be really busy actually.
I have the workshop, then I go to Portland to celebrate my Mom and my nephew's birthdays.  Then I'll see friends for a few days.
Then off to Santa Clara to guest lecture on agents and managers.
Then back there in February to do a special guest lecture on life after college.
Then Hawaii in March for 10-14 days.

I was talking to The Drummer about that trip.  We're trying to figure out how long we're staying.  My Mom can only be there a week.  My Brother and his family are going to stay an extra week.  I'm not working right now, so I'm feeling extra nervous about money.  I'm freelancing a bit.  I'm waiting on my unemployment extension to come through.  Money issues always weight heavy on me.  I have some money from my Dad that I inherited, but I felt that it'd be wasteful to depend on that, even for a little while.

Then my boyfriend said something supportive.  He said, "That's what it's there for."  And this isn't a guy who is frivolous.  He's a guy who has worked for everything.  He's very frugal.  But he said to me that maybe this is a reset.  Maybe I need this Hawaii trip to set me up for what the rest of my life is going to be about.  Maybe it will give me some rest and some enjoyment with my family so I am ready to tackle what comes next.

I just listened.  In that moment I was so happy that he is my man.  I told him that too.  I said that's what I love about him.  He's so supportive and open and truthful and wise.  I'm going to listen to him.  Against my usual judgment.  Against all of the things I was taught as a kid.  Despite the noise that tells me that I'm being lazy and that I need to get right to work.

I realized in that moment that my weirdness and embarrassment at not working has a lot to do with my own self criticism.  That I take things that my boyfriend and other people say and I add a lot of judgment to it.  Because...because of a lot of things: Dad, life, how hard I am on myself.  I make myself suffer more than I need to.  Because that's what I was taught.

Just when I thought I had exhausted the amount of LETTING GO I need to do.  There's more.