The Master Cleanse

This second half of the year for me is all about reinforcing the things I learned about myself in the first half of the year. Once I ended my relationship, my career started to take off. In the past month or so, I've forgotten some of those lessons because I started to get nostalgic about the relationship. Finding out that my ex has moved on with a new boyfriend has really made clear that that part of my life is over. And it's good to know that I can't go back to it, even in my head.

The first half of the year was about work. The second half of this year is a return to that. I took a bit of a respite because work was so draining. But now it's time to get back to it. And if the psychic I met last month had accurate predictions, things are about to get busy. I've decided to cleanse myself a bit from a few things in my life. And that will be a lot more difficult than just restricting myself from certain foods.

• No one night stands. As I type this, I get scared. That includes hook ups. I'd rather not say "celibacy" because I'm going to masturbate. But I'm going to go into gyms, korean spas, supermarkets, parties and other public events with no agenda to hook up. And I'm not going to hook up if the opportunity presents itself. I've never done this. I've thought about doing it, but I've never done it.
• Sobriety. I've done three sober months in the first six months of the year. I don't need alcohol. I've had some booze in the past month. I realized that I don't need it. It's fun, but I'm not getting wasted. So if I'm not getting wasted, then why drink at all? And I don't mean that to say that I should be getting blitzed. I mean that to say that I'm drinking to be social, but it's having no real effect on me. So if I don't need to drink to forget or cope, then why am I drinking?
• Whole 30. I'm going back on the Whole 30 for at least a month to see how I do on it again. But this time I'm going to do it as a culinary challenge. I'm going to focus on making recipes and not on the health benefits. I want to have an adventure with the types of recipes I can make. I want to do different culinary things. There are things in my diet that I like that I'm going to try and replicate. 
• Meditation. I start a three week meditation course on Monday. That will jump start my practice again. I need to be meditating at least once a day. It does such good things for me and that's what my body and my mind want to do. They want to spend more time in silence.
• Exercise. The last time I did my Whole 30, I hardly exercised. I want to see bigger results this time around, all around. And I think that exercising will help me get there. The things that work for me are cardio--spinning, dancing and running. I'd like to try to evolve and add more weight training to that. But more hard core circuit type stuff and boot camp type stuff. I've changed my mind and now I want to change my body so I can change my mind even deeper. I need to look different to support how different I am.

When my Dad died, I shaved my head to signify how different I felt. Now I want to change my body to feel how different I am. I have my Cize workouts that I can do. I have my gym membership and the spinning that I love doing. I should go back and take spin classes to at least get me disciplined. I'm thinking of swimming at the local gym as well to just test out how that makes me feel. Doing laps. I want my body to change and I want to see a different person in the mirror. Not out of vanity. But because I need to see a different person looking back at me to show me the change I have made. It's not just about something superficial like a haircut or a tattoo. It's literally morphing my body into something different to show the change that I've made.

I'm realizing that the ex didn't make all the changes after our relationship ended to hurt me. He made those changes because that's who he really is. And I've made changes to show who I really am. We were not being our true selves together. And I don't need to write him to tell him that. It's enough that I have written it here and that I know. I'm forgiving myself for not feeling adequate enough to keep him. And in forgiving myself, I have forgiven him.

I am grateful for the understanding in my heart.

I am grateful for the things I know about myself.

I am grateful to be in a new place in my life.

I am grateful to be truly happy.

I am grateful.

Tribute

When my Dad was dying, we had a conversation.  Actually, I talked because he wasn't able to talk any more.  I told him that I was going to fulfill the potential I knew I had and he knew I had.  I admitted that I probably had, on some subconscious level, held back.  I have this habit of deferring to men who represent some sort of father figure.

I've been on this cleanse for the past week.  I'm taking off weight.  I'm exercising and watching what I eat.  This has been the easiest cleanse of the one I completed, plus the two that I did half-assed.  And I realized that I'm sticking to it because of my Dad.  I have Congestive Heart Failure in my family.  I don't want to die prematurely because I didn't take care of myself.  Being healthy has very little to do with vanity, even though I check my stomach every day to see if I've lost any weight.  It has to do with living my potential.  I should be fit my whole life. 

I should write every day.  I should be making money full time as a writer.  So that's the next step.  If my Dad not living up to his potential is a motivating force for me in terms of my diet, it should also be a motivating force for me in terms of my ambition.  I'm still young, a fact I seem to forget.  I'm spirited, energetic, and baby-faced.

I have been the most productive this year out of any in my life.  And I need to continue that high level of productivity and get shit done.  I have a destiny to catch up to. 

I'm not going to watch the writing credits of TV shows with any sort of jealousy.  I'm going to step up and stand in the place I deserve to stand in.  Enough of this struggling thing because I think I have to continue to struggle to make the journey meaningful.  I entered this world struggling.  I've struggled enough.  My Dad struggled enough for me already.  It's time to take my rightful place in the life I should be living.

The Cleanse Continues: What I'm Actually Getting Rid Of

Or...More Letting Go.

The surface reason to do a cleanse is to get thinner: to get rid of weight.  I'm all for being a bit thinner and having my clothes look better on.  It's a purely aesthetic thing.  I like clean lines and I don't like it when anyone--especially myself--wears something tight and the rolls are moving.  I have a friend whose husband wears shirts that are way too tight for him and it looks wrong.  He's not heavy, but the look seems off.  But for myself, I like to look slender and toned.  My arms look good.  My legs look great.  I even have a descent chest.  But none of that can be showcased when I have too much around the middle.

Going a little deeper...I also want to get rid of waste.  Fat is waste.  It's unnecessary.  And it eventually grows and leads to other health issues.  So even though I look good with clothes on, there's a lot going on underneath that just seems necessary.  But I also like being on my cleanse, drinking my detox tea and taking my colon cleanse, and watching the waste exit my body like it should.  When I'm not using colon cleanse or I'm not cleansing, I take great effort to go to the bathroom.  It's great to go to the bathroom and know that nothing is getting stuck inside of me.  It helps my intestines and my immune system work better.  So I'm getting rid of as much waste as possible.

And to go even deeper...there's a lot of "waste", a lot of "empty calories" that I don't need to hold onto in my life.  Those are toxins that need to come out as well.

What's wasteful in my life?  Good question.

Here are a few things I"m working on:
cigarettes - I only have a few every once in a while, but it's not helpful or productive
sugar - or things that turn into sugar.  I don't have a sweet tooth.  I might not need sugar.
judgment - I do it to myself.  I do it to others.  Let it go.
jealousy - If things aren't where I want them to be, I need to fix it.  Also, my path looks different from someone else's path.  Just as I look different from other people.  Stop comparing.
too many commitments - I can thin things out in my life.  There are things I love and enjoy.  I should just do those things.  I'm old enough to know what I like and what I don't.  I don't have to compromise as much in this area.

And what do I over indulge in?
drinking - it's fun.  but I also like being sober every once in a while.
cheese/dairy - I love the high end stuff.  The other stuff, I can do without.  It doesn't have to be an every day thing.  Although, I do have a weakness for ice cream.  But I also LOVE sorbet.
food - I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm bored.  And because I look all right and I can move around, I don't think anything of just shoveling food in my mouth.
TV - it's true.  I don't like to admit it.  I love it.  But there could be less of it.  OW!  That hurts.
Computer time - ditto.
pressure/competition - I think there's something good about putting pressure on myself and holding myself accountable.  But the expectations are insurmountable and make things feel impossible, that's not good.  But there's nothing wrong with a catalyst for change and growth.
noise - that can include some of the things above.  But I also need to focus on stillness and being quiet.  Finding more times and places to just be quiet.  I try not to listen to the radio in my car all of the time.  I appreciate the silence.

Cleansing makes me think about what I put in to my body and bring into my life.  I think that's positive.  And the act of cleansing is a reminder to be conscious.  So I'm going to focus on that for the next two weeks and see where that brings me.

Cleansing Update

As I've mentioned previously, my two previous attempts to cleanse this year were barely successful.  Actually one was a big fail.  That happened while I was travelling.  And the second cleanse attempt happened while my father was still alive and sick.  That ended in a big martini being plunked down in front of me by my friend Victor.What I realized was that I wasn't doing those cleanses for myself.  I did the first one because it was the start of the year and I thought that I should kick off the year with a cleanse.  But there was no real intention behind it.  The second cleanse I only did because my boyfriend was doing his cleanse at the same time.

This one has significance.  I'm cleaning house.  I'm a fatherless child...or at least my Dad isn't alive anymore.  So I've been taking inventory, which is what one does in these situations.  Well, it's what I do.  I want to feel lighter and less burdened: by excess weight, by judgment, by this heavy burden that I constantly put on myself to be excellent in two seconds.  It's that sort of pressure that has rendered me immobile for the past several years.

The juice cleanse ended better than expected.  That first day of those horrible juice sludges that Tim made me drink almost derailed me.  There's a reason people invest in a juicer.  All of that pulp felt awful.  But I had made a commitment and even though Tim wasn't continuing, I needed to.

So Day Two started with the Greens 2 from Pressed Juicery.  I then went to the spa and detoxed.  Then I went to Whole Foods and had them make me a beet and carrot juice.  Then I came home and peed out of my butt.  It looked like I was hemorrhaging.  I can only make light of it because my had hemorrhaged before he died.  Well, maybe that's STILL in bad taste.  But it's a true story, so I can make light of it.  Then I did a master cleanse drink with lemon juice, water, cayenne and honey.  I can't believe Beyonce drank that to lose 20 pounds to film Dreamgirls.  That's crazy.  And I capped it off with two more juices and some almond milk at the end of the day.  I got a headache from hunger that night and ate some cucumber, then felt better and went to bed.

I woke up on Day Three thinking that maybe I could do it for several more days.  But that feeling soon dissipated after a Greens juice, a Roots juice, a Master Cleanse and another Greens juice.  But it set me off on a good path because when I raided Craft Services on set at my best friend's TV show, I had almonds, water, a thai salad roll and some hummus and veggies.  Then had some vegan Thai for dinner.

I stuck to it all weekend. Drinking watermelon and cucumber juice instead of margaritas at Vic and Steve's as we laid by the pool.  I took a dance class on Monday night and I'm taking another one tonight.  I went to the gym on Monday and  I'm hitting the gym again today.  I've already been on a run.  I'm showering regularly to remove the toxins when I sweat.  I'm drinking detox tea and tons of water.

I just want to get rid of the things that aren't working.  These cleanses tend to bring certain emotional toxins to the surface and this cleanse is no exception.  I had been really had on Monday and Tuesday.  I wasn't feeling productive or useful.  My boyfriend is out of town and this was supposed to be time for me to be super productive. But I wasn't feeling that way.  I was feeling lazy and dumb and not cool and like a big loser because I don't have a big TV show on the air yet.  All the voices inside my head (many of which my Dad put there) were speaking loudly and over each other.

Maybe some of that had to do with the fact that I knew I had to pick up his ashes yesterday.  I didn't want to get out of bed on Monday.  I just wanted to keep the curtains drawn, pull the covers over my head and wallow.  But I forced myself out.  I watched a lot of TV that day.  The season or series premieres of Anderson Live, Wendy Williams, Katie, The Voice, and so on and so on.  I decided to let myself be where I was.  I danced it away and just enjoyed myself.  \

That made yesterday easier, but not easy.  I drove to San Pedro to pick up my Dad's ashes and it just seemed so final.  It was shitty outside: grey and overcast.  And it was September 11th.  The perfect day to be sad and gloomy.  Everyone was along there with me.

But if this is my season of Letting Go, I've certainly logged a bunch of miles doing it.  He's gone and been reduced to ashes.  The body that was no longer exists.  It has been burned.  That judgment and that pain that he felt and passed on to me is gone too.  It's a toxin that I'm burning out of my body by working out and sweating and disposing of by cleaning out my body.

I took the biggest shit of my life this morning.  I've been using psyllium husk power as well.  And when I looked at that pile of shit in my toilet, I thought about the shit that I've dealt with and endured and held on to and created for myself.  Then I flushed it down the toilet.

And now I feel lighter.

Juicing: Cleanse Day One, Juice Two

This one had pineapple, apple, mint and lime.  Way more refreshing than the last one.  And tastier. 

SO the verdict is that Juice One would be better purchased at Pressed Juicery.  Juice Two was tasty and could be made at home.  Juice Three is the master cleanse.  That's going to scare me.

Tim and I have been writing all morning.  We are heading to yoga this afternoon, then the farmer's market and then back here to write more.  Keeping ourselves busy.

I'm a bit sleepy.  I'm not sure if it's the weather or the cleanse.  But I might be ready for an afternoon nap before watching the DNC tonight.  I"m starting to feel a bit wiped out.

Here's hoping that yoga will reinvigorate me.

Juicing: Day One, Juice One

I decided last week that it would be in my best interest to start a juice cleanse.  When I saw my friend Tim for a hike over the holiday weekend, he decided that he would do it with me.  I was just going to pick up three juices a day from Pressed Juicery in West Hollywood, drink lots of water, and make veggie broth and give myself a bit of a liquid cleanse for three days.  Tim decided that he was going to try and make the juices at home using a blender.  He had seen recipes on a website that replicated the juices from the Blueprint Cleanse, but using a blender.

I was skeptical.  I liked the idea of just going to pick up my juices every morning. But I wanted to be supportive of Tim. 

So now I'm in his apartment--because we thought that having a "study hall" day where I come over and write would be good for us as well--and I'm drinking my second 8 oz green juice.  The first was 16 oz.  And it's more of a shake than a juice.  Well, actually, it's a bit more of a chopped salad.  I wonder if I can get away with adding some kalamata olives, feta cheese, olive oil, basil and garlic to this.  I'm drinking more because I want to get full. 

When I was half way through my first glass, I told Tim: "I can feel something moving."  Five minutes later I was in the bathroom.  Cleansing.

Why am I doing this again?  Oh, yeah.  I want to get rid of things I don't need.  I want to come back to a truer sense of self, only carrying with me exactly what I need.  And my boyfriends going to be gone for three weeks, so I'm telling myself that I want to look super hot for him when he comes home.  That's the vain part of me speaking.  But I really want to change my routine around. 

I shaved my head again yesterday, six weeks to the day I did it before.  My Dad's been gone for six weeks.  I think it's time to start making some changes.  I think I need to really set a schedule for myself.  That's what I'm trying to do as well, so that when the Drummer returns, I will have a set schedule for myself that I will stick to.

Oh, so here's the juice I'm drinking:
kale
celery
apple
lemon
parsley
spinach
cucumber
romaine

Mmmm...hopefully it'll make my cum taste better.  Or maybe that'll be the pineapple and apple juice I'll be trying later.  Yum.

Reboot: Cleanse 3.0

Okay, so I'm going to do a juice cleanse starting tomorrow.  This will be my third attempt at a cleanse this year.

1) I didn't finish.  I tried to do it during the beginning of the year while I was travelling.  Not that successful.  It was a repeat of the 21 day immunity cleanse I did last year.

2) I decided to do when the Drummer was doing his cleanse.  I lost 10 pounds.  But I've since gained some back.  This was during an intense part of my father's illness.

3) I'm kicking it off with a juice cleanse.  Then going into the second week of my 21 day cleanse when I cut out white flour, sugar, all meat, soy, tobacco, alcohol, caffeine and cooking with oil.  And all preservatives.

Why?

The Drummer is on tour.  He's gone for three weeks.  This is the first time I've had to myself since my Dad died.  And I think I need some uninterrupted me time while he's gone.  One of the healthy things I want to do for myself is to cleanse myself of things I don't need.  I have weight I don't need.  I have toxins in my body I don't need.  I actually have some people in my life I don't need right now either.  I want to cleanse my body first with a deep juice cleanse and then I want to just live as purely and raw as possible.  Just for a bit to see what I can take away from that.  It's like a retreat from my regular life.

I'm going to try and be a bit quieter as well.  Reading lots of books and finishing this pilot I'm supposed to be reading.  Maybe some spa time as well.  But really just some time to focus, to rest, to write and to be with my thoughts.

I'm stripping down!  Maybe I'll go do some nude beaching at some point too.  I just need to strip some things away.  Cleanses have the tendency to be emotional.  And I wouldn't mind a bit of emotion.  Not at all.  That would not be a bad thing at all.

I feel I need to strip away some of the dead skin that's hanging off of me since my Dad died.  It's like losing a bunch of weight and getting surgery to trim the hanging fat.  I'm tightening myself up.

Cleanse 2012: Premature Emancipation

So I probably shouldn't have had those drinks a couple of weeks ago. And I probably shouldn't have scheduled my cleanse during travel time. But my cleanse was officially over last Friday, although I did totally avoid fast food on my drive up to San Jose. But it was just too much fun to see friends, students, and colleagues...and I couldn't really limited myself to good times. I didn't go crazy, but I did have cocktails and I started eating meat and some dairy again.

But this brings me to another point, that Bethenny Frankel made about cleanses once. Just doing my psyllium husk and detox tea is a cleanse. Avoiding certain foods is a cleanse. Going to the gym and sweating toxins out and also going to the spa is a cleanse. You find ways to cleanse yourself every day. But what this partial cleanse motivated me to do is to find ways to cut or limit my intake of certain things so that I am not depriving myself, but so that I'm not overindulging either.

It's having that awareness of what you are and aren't eating. It's being aware of your behavior and not being mindless or thoughtless about it.

Right now I'm staying off the red meat. I'm reintroducing chicken into my diet. I'm not totally sold on overdoing the soy. I like beans and legumes as protein. And I really want to keep off the processed foods as much as possible. I think that is very important. I think if I can watch my drinking, which means I'm watching my cigarette smoking (still social) then I'm in a good place as well. Introduce as few as possible toxins into the body. I think that's a big one.

So I'm going to live a much more balanced life in terms of diet and exercise. I need to start my yoga again and I need to figure out exercises that really work for me. I want to lose weight and tone. That's very important to me.

So this cleanse did do something. It helped me focus on my lifestyle and not a brief respite from it.

Success!

Cleanse 2012: Day Nine

I had a crazy night time craving for anything. Sweets. Bad stuff.

This is the point in the cleanse where that sort of stuff comes up for me. It's about half way through and I realize what I've given up. And then I start to want things. I went to bed hungry.

I had two meetings today that got cancelled and I got kind of sad about that. I should have taken advantage of the time to get more work done. But I didn't. I sat and watched TV. It's not good to be so close to a television. I think the Drummer thinks that's all I do. And then I got critical about what he was doing. He's got a music conference that he's going to and I started harping on what he was doing to make sure he ran into people he needed to run into.

Yeah, I need to mind my own business and focus on myself. He's an adult. He can take care of that for himself.

I'm gassy. The energy is good, but I was a little off. Eating well. Had fish and couscous last night. Need to start yoga soon.

Watched GLEE and cried. Day Nine.

Cleanse 2012: Day Eight

Day Eight!

I took my psyllium husk powder in the morning, hoping that I could cleanse all of the damage I had done over the weekend. It's not like I got CRAZY, CRAZY. But I got crazy enough.

Then I ate some steel cut oatmeal with dried cherries and almonds.

I worked out, sweated hard, had a jamba juice that had no sugar in it.

I made dinner for the Drummer: quinoa with veggies, tomato salad and roasted cauliflower.

Then we went to the spa and sweated more. Detoxing!

And I feel much lighter. Whoo hoo!

Cleanse 2012: Day Seven

So it's the end of the first week of the cleanse. My last day to have chicken, soy, sugar, wheat, and anything fried before I have to give them up for week two. But thank God I still get seafood for one more week.

Today was good in terms of the cleanse. I woke up and went to two farmer's markets to get some veggies and herbs. I actually should probably do a roasted carrots and beet thing this week. I love roasted veggies.

Then I went to the gym. I sweated a lot. But ran into my friend Nicole and got interrupted, so I'll go back to the gym tomorrow.

I did check my weight and I lost three pounds. I'm out of the 180s, which is a good thing. That's just too big for me. I do feel lighter. I can tell when my body is just more bloated.

I had the whole day to myself and I watched the Golden Globes. The Drummer was at a show and watched the Packers game on DVR. I cleaned the place up a bit. Domestic.

I don't know how comfortable I am with that. I kind of felt like I cleaned the place up for "my man." And that felt a little subservient to me. I could kind of say "get over it", but that's how I felt.

This relationship is still an adjustment on a lot of ways. I'm hyper aware of making the same mistakes I made with the Ex. He's not like the ex in so many ways, but I think that's still part of my healing that needs to happen. I think I should have spent more time running errands instead of just staying home and watching the Globes. But that's on me. That's not part of his deal at all. It just felt like I fell back on familiar patterns in a way.

I ran his damaged cell phone to the UPS and I texted him that I had done it. I had to deposit a check for him this weekend, while he was out of town. It felt all a bit wife-ish and not in a comfortable way. I didn't mind doing any of that and it's not like he expects me to do that stuff. But it's also a different angle for me--that I don't take pride in doing that sort of stuff for my guy. I don't mind it, but it no longer defines me as a supportive partner that I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, took out the trash, dropped off his phone, deposited his check and got receipts for everything.

Okay, maybe it bothers me a bit.

But I'm here to cleanse. So I need to get those toxins out as well.

At the end of this first week of cleansing, I rebelled. But I also realize that I need to have a better game plan so I don't fall off the wagon. And I need to have a schedule for myself that's separate from what the boyfriend is doing. Also, it doesn't need to work around his schedule ahead of working for my own schedule. I can make a plan and let the boyfriend know about it and have him work around me. Or at least have a discussion and compromise. That wouldn't be a bad thing either.

See? I am making some changes in the way I think.

Cleanse 2012: Day Six

SO I woke up at 10 AM after going to bed at 5 AM.

Then I drank a ton of water and took my psyllium husk powder trying to cleanse myself.

In vain.

Ugh. My body was messed up from the crazy night I had out with my friends.

I dragged myself out of bed, got dressed and showered and headed shopping.

I got Vic's belated Christmas gift, a new sweater and some workout gear.

Then I headed to my parents' house to see my Mom and take her out for a belated birthday lunch. I had a glass of wine. Then we went to see my friends Tracy and Marty at their house boat. Then I had two glasses of champagne.

It's easy to really fall off the wagon when you're hung over.

So to compensate, I spent three hours at the Korean spa trying to detox the hell out of myself.

Tomorrow is Day Seven. I'm getting back on the train after getting a good night's sleep.

I don't consider this a failure. I"m still detoxing myself. I'm cutting out plenty of things from my diet. But I need to get it together for the rest of this cleanse.

Cleanse 2012: Day Five

The day I broke my cleanse. I was doing really well. I worked out with The Drummer. He went off to his classes and his gig out of town.

Then I went over to my best friend Victor and Steve's house. Vic just found out he has prostate cancer and he pulled the cancer card.

"You have to drink with us. I have cancer."

So it went from vodka and soda at their house to martinis at dinner and more cocktails as we danced the night away at lots o' lesbos at Truck Stop. Our friend Halle was djing and we proceeded to go out to Micky's and danced until 4 AM. I went to bed at 5 AM.

I definitely did not adhere to my cleanse. I blew it out.

Cleanse 2012: Day Four

Yeah...I'm a bit bored. I think I need to be doing more to push myself in this cleanse. I definitely think I need more exercise. I just don't feel very motivated. What I need to do is create a real schedule for myself.

This cleanse is going well. I realized that between travelling back and forth, being in a new relationship and the holidays...I've packed on ten pounds in the past 3 months. I'm not happy with the way I look right now. Fortunately, I am exercising four days a week and really trying to do something about it. But just like my life for the past three or four months, I haven't been in the competitive spirit. I've been living life as a college professor, which has been amazing and enlightening.

But, as I've said in the past, this is showbiz. Get to the gym! Put down the chips! And get down to fighting weight!

What I have done with the teaching and being with the boyfriend has really nourished my soul and has put me in a great frame of mind. I know what's important to me and I have a clearer vision of how I want to live my life. I have done away with old ways of thinking. As the tarot said, "the serpent has outlived his purpose." I have done a lot of work on myself and will continue to do more. However, once again:

THIS IS SHOWBIZ. It's not show friends, it's show business. Fo 'sho!

I need to do what it takes to get what I want in life. I want a real career. I want happiness with someone who I love and support and who does that same thing for me. I don't have time for someone who doesn't have the capacity to give me the support I need. And no one should put up with me if I can't do that for them. That's the real priority. With support and love in my life, I can soar. And when I give that to my boyfriend, he should be able to soar as well.

So with this readjustment, or recallabration, I should be able to achieve what I want to achieve. I want a happy, successful, collaborative creative life where I go back and forth between theatre work and television and film work. Both should be satisfying and reinvigorating. I want my outer appearance to reflect the discipline and confidence I have. I want my body to be healthy inside and out. If I concentrate on what I put in my body, I will have great results. I also have to focus on the information I take in. The literature I read. The ways I spend my time. None of it should be full of empty calories, just like none of the foods I put in my mouth should represent empty calories. It is all fuel...for the mind, body, soul, spirit and attitude.

Everytime I go to the bathroom I see the toxins leaving my body. That is the image I have with the areas in my life that need cleansing. I have to look at the shit, take a good long look at it, and let it go. The serpent has outlived its usefulness.

Getting Back to Work

With this cleanse and with all of the change happening in my life over the past year, I have to get back to work. I have the unique opportunity to not be working right now and to have some money coming in. I have decided that I'm not making much of a plan other than to just sit down and get work done.

Writing. That's the plan.

I'm having lots of sex with the boyfriend and giving lots of blow jobs. I'm going to the gym four times a week. And going to the Korean Spa about three or four times a week. But while that relaxes me, that's not working. Not to say I haven't needed this openness in my schedule for a long time. I really need it. So now that I have any open schedule to get work done, I actually have to get work done. And that will beget more work and eventually I might have a regular schedule again. But I'm kind of taking what's going on right now and enjoying it.

I'm getting myself into shape, so that I'm presentable on these job interviews I'll be going on. And I'm reading and writing a shit ton. Got to get it done to make the green, honey!

It's weird being back in LA after teaching for three months. I feel like my mindset is completely different, which is a good thing. Because it wasn't working the way my brain was jiggered before. I've recallebrated and I'm ready for things to be different and way more productive and successful. I'm cleansing myself of my old modes of thought too, honey!

Cleanse 2012: New Ways to Exercise

Here are some things that The Drummer and I can do to get each other in shape:

Yoga - he's got yoga mat and six yoga classes as a gift from me and it's time for him to use them. Plus, it's great mental focus.

Aerial acrobatics - I am dying to try this. My friend Dave did it with his now wife last year. I want to do it for two reasons: 1) I've never done anything like this before and it's very Cirque de Soleil; and 2) the class is only gay men and hot ladies. Fun.

Kickboxing/Boxing - I want to get my inner aggressor and bring him to the surface. I think it would be a great workout.

Krav Maga - Along these lines, my friend Tin has done Krav Maga and thinks it's something to do. I'm game.

Running - I need to sign up for another marathon. So I want to get training.

Groov3 - it's a hip hop dance workout that's similiar in format to Zumba. But it's amazing! And a fun place to sweat it all out. Need to get back to class for sure!

Let's start 2012 with a big bang and get those six back abs because I want to wear hot swimsuits or nothing at all that the beach this summer.

Cleanse 2012: Day Three

Today is the 6th month anniversary for me and The Drummer. The past six months have been amazing. I'm in love. He's terrific and I think we're continuing to get to know each other as people. But we both feel very fortunate to be together.

We were at the gym today and talking about the changes that we want to make in our lives. We both want to get even more fit than we are. I want to lose some weight and gain some muscle. The Drummer wants do lose some weight, get more cardio, and get bigger. We both want to be hot for each other. But the other thing is that we want to make a commitment to continue to do things with and for each other. So we were in the middle of our workout this afternoon and we both said that we wanted to be in better shape in the next six months.

To commemorate our six months together, I said that we should give ourselves the gift of committing to our health so that when we celebrate a year together, if we're lucky to do so, we should celebrate it in a healthier way than when we started. So to that end, he's going to be doing this cleanse with me, or at least as much as he wants to. It's a significant change to have someone in my life who wants me to be better and also wants to do that with me. And it just means that we have more time to spend together and support each other.

But it also means that we have a goal for our next six months together. I like that as a present to each other: another six months of good health and fitness and time together.

So today we worked out, which was excellent. We did a quick 40 minute full body work out.

My energy is feeling good. I'm not really having any dips in energy. I start cutting out sugar next week, so we'll see how things change then.

I'm not too hungry. I'm dealing with that. And my mood and spirit is great. Feeling good.

Tonight we're going out for Sushi as a celebration of our anniversary. I'm excited to plan what kind of exercise activities we want to do together.

Cleanse 2012: Day Two

I sat quietly in the Korean Spa, in the HOT steam room, and just meditated. I just let the mind empty out. It was a glorious feeling. I'm drinking tons of water. Just letting all of those toxins out. All of those feelings of doubt and non-useful thoughts out.

Last year, during Day Two of my Cleanse, I had the major caffeine detox. It was awful and I felt horrible. So sick. This year, I don't have the caffeine in my system. So today I felt very clean. I pooped three times. I ate very clean. And I reconnected with my very good friend, Dave, who is a former co-worker.

But the day started with a Skype call with the team that I'm working with on a project that my mentor Erik Ehn wrote that commemorates the Virginia Tech Shootings of five years ago. I am directing five play readings out of the 32 that were written that each represent a person who died that day, April 16th. We had an organizational meeting. It was good to see everyone again, to reconnect to the goings on up at Santa Clara University. All of that productive, encouraging energy came back to me. It was great.

Then I went to see my friend Susan and her new baby. That was wonderful. Just catching up on what's been going on and saying out loud the things I want to accomplish. Incredibly helpful.

Then Dave and I had lunch. Dave's amazing. Really talented at giving great feedback about scripts and story ideas. He's the person I like to bounce things off of. So we talked about everything that has been going on. And this idea that I need to reinvent myself and my work, at least as the TV industry sees me. I'm surrendering to the fact that I don't know what that is yet. But I'm open to letting those revelations come to me and then getting some writing done.

I know that I need to start over in terms of the ideas I've been working on. But that's fine. Just keep moving forward.

Then I went to the Korean Spa for three hours and just steamed, sauna-ed and sat. It was fantastic. Really, really great. I slept for a while and just let myself detox and chill.

Now I'm back at home and recounting the day's events. My energy is good. I'm not tired. My attitude is good and I'm not especially overly hungry. I haven't gotten to the crave stage yet, but maybe I won't. I'm just enjoying being clean. No exercise today. I will pick back up with an intense hump day workout tomorrow.

Cleanse 2012: Tarot Reading

Last year, at some point after the break up, I had Christine do my card reading. It was so helpful to have her read my cards and I decided that with the new year, I would have her do it again. So here's what she said.

I forget what the formation was called that we used, but basically we took seven cards and put them in a V formation. So starting with the top left and working down...

First Card: Past/Process of Ending - this refers to anything that happened when I walked into her house

PRINCESS OF CUPS

This refers to emotional freedom, jealousy conquered. The past can now be seen with clarity. I'm on the right path. Let go of anything not letting me completely be free.

I just came out of a year where I started coming back to myself. I'm letting go of anything that doesn't allow me to be myself and to express my true nature. I had to experience the pain of not living my true nature to truly value it. So now I can look at it with gratitude. If this is what I walked in the door with, then the five years I spent fighting for who I am and sometimes giving that up amounted to something useful.

Second Card: Present

POWER - 4 OF DISCS

This can represent both positive and negative aspects. Security and strength. It represents certain ideals that I stand for, but it can also mean that I'm fixed. I have the challenge to submit and surrender.

When we talked about this card, Christine and I both acknowledged the good and bad aspects. I have spent years beliving certain things to be true. Part of that is because I have lived my experience. But some of those beliefs came from my family or from my limitations. Such as having to really have a certain amount of experience in order to enjoy success. But I'm on a path of constant learning and I was risking never getting to a place where I felt I deserved it because I always am learning. Last year, I truly went from student to teacher and I started to engage with my authority. I have also decided to look at every belief I have and challenge it and to be open to there being a new way of thinking.

Third Card: Future Just About to Begin

STRENGTH - 9 OF WANDS

Very strong card. Wholeness. Power gained through both conscious and unconscious means. There might be a fear of unproven strength, but there is no return to weakness or ignorance. I need to trust my inner guide more. I'm in a process of discovering and I should pay attention to what my dreams are saying.

I can feel myself becoming more whole. I spent more time in quiet thought and just listening to the messages around me, rather than covering up the knowledge that the Universe is offering up. Because I am starting to trust my inner guide more, I discover more connections and I am being guided in certain directions, towards certain people and situations that support me. I also have been having crazy dreams lately and I suppose now I need to pay more attention to them. I do have a fear of what I haven't proven yet, probably a fear that the strength either isn't as strong or isn't there in ways I need it to be. I just need to shut up and trust it. This is how I heard what the cards were saying.

Fourth Card: What to Do

VICTORY - 6 OF WANDS

Victory. Success. Breakthrough. All goals should be easily reached. Struggle won by fair means. Do what you were planning to do. Question: What does Victory mean to you?

The Fourth Card, which refers to What To Do, basically said Do What You Were Planning to Do. There is no clearer message than that. But the question of what does Victory or Success mean to me has great meaning and resonance. And it means something entirely different to me than it did a year ago. And I like that this card is saying that my goals should be easily reached. As easy as reaching for them...right?

Fifth Card: Helpful/Disturbing Energies from the Outside

DEFEAT - 5 of SWORDS

There's a fear of loss/defeat. Painful experiences. Fear of losing control. Challenge: make room for objectification/clarity.

I interpreted this card to mean that with all of this energy in a positive direction, what is holding me back is made clearer. I have had painful experiences which made me feel that I won't accomplish what I want to accomplish. And the next card proves that way of thinking is done.

Sixth Card: Greatest Hopes/Fears

THE UNIVERSE

This is the last card in the major arcana. Travel. Liberation from Bondage. New beginnings or a higher level of being. Now See the world as it is. I am at one with my original nature. The serpent has outlived its usefulness. New beginning.

I interpreted this very strong card as certification that I'm on the right path. That I don't need to beat myself down to lift myself up: The serpent has outlived its usefulness. This refers to both my father and my ex and other influences in my life which have made me feel like I need to be hard on myself to flourish. I needed the serpent or felt that I needed him before. I don't need the serpent any more.

Seventh Card: Result/Outcome

PRINCE OF SWORDS

Intuition. Creative Thinking. Free of limited thinking. Perception. Time to give shape and form to ideas. Free yourself from limits. Express your ideas in ways people can understand, even if those ideas are ahead of their time. Do some Creative Visualisation. Creativity has no limits.

Well, that kind of says it all. In summation, go for it. Just Do It. Make it happen. There are no limits. All in all, a great reading. And just the encouragement I needed to start this new year and this new beginning.

Cleanse 2012: Day One

Today's the first day of my cleanse.

I woke up late. Or normal time according to the boyfriend. 11 AM. The boyfriend's a musician and we stay up late. I need to change that. At least for me.

I took my psyllium husk powder and then I went to the gym. Hour workout. Started on the rowing machine, which is my favorite new thing. Then legs. Then chest and back. Then shoulders and arms.

Came back and made two burritos with Esekiel tortillas, black beans, mango salsa, pico de gallo and lettuce.

Then did some work on this blog.

Tonight I"m going to my friend Christine's to have my tarot cards read. Haven't done that in almost a year. Really looking forward to that. My big question will most likely be about my work. Those are always the things I wonder about. But this time it won't be about getting that "dream job." But it will be about work and life balance and my priorities with my work. Keeping focused on what I love to do. Money wouldn't be bad either. Need to make some of that for when the unemployment runs out.

Dinner will probably be the corn pasta with ground chicken and spices and veggies. And a salad. Drinking my detox tea now. Going over to Christine's with some chips, mango salsa and hummus.

I'm looking forward to this. The last cleanse brought about so much good change that I'm ready to make this more about a lifestyle and seeing what things I can cut out of my diet.

What don't I need anymore? What has served its purpose?

Is that sugar? Is that red meat? Is that cigarettes?

Is it people who put me down? Judgement? Self loathing?

That's the big question on this cleanse: What don't I need anymore?