I Get It

When I was trying to figure out how to be friends with The Drummer and I was being given no indication that he wanted that, my Mom kept saying - "He doesn't want to have anything to do with you. It's over for him. He's moved on."

That was all before I found out he had actually moved on with someone else. And had been moved on for awhile. But I took him at his word.

And that was my mistake.

This is a guy whose word can't be trusted. It doesn't mean much. He didn't stand up for me when we were together because he wasn't out to his parents. I never held a place of importance in his life. He hesitated when introducing me to people. I don't know if he truly trusted in the relationship.

The truth is that he didn't trust in relationships. This was long before me. I don't know if it has changed because he is in this new relationship. I'm led to believe that it hasn't changed because I don't think a person makes that big a sea change with no distance in between relationships.

He's a liar. He was untruthful to me about how he felt. He knew for a long time that he didn't want to be in the relationship and he kept that from me. Truth be told, I had my own doubts. But I always had faith we could work it out. I'm still bad at letting things go past their expiration date. I need to be better at that.

I don't need to say any more - "But he's a great guy…" or "As sweet as he is…" In this situation, he was neither great nor sweet. As to whether or not he had started something when we were still together - either physically or emotionally - I can't speak to that because I don't know. I choose to be in denial and trust that he wouldn't do that. I choose to believe him when he tells me that things started afterward.

And here's where my ego gets bruised - how could he move on so quickly? Does it matter? He moved on. He's done.

I get it. It took me awhile. But I get it. He says the things he is supposed to say because he feels guilty for something he either did or thought about doing.

Do I need to be friends with him? I don't know if that's a question I can answer yet. I know in my heart, I would like to be friends. But would that friendship be rooted in nostalgia. Honestly, my life isn't less rich because I'm not friends with the Ex that started this blog. Sometimes I get nostalgic and I want a friendship with him. But it doesn't make me feel empty. That's probably going to be true with The Drummer too. I don't need him in my life to make it richer.

I have a path I'm on. And that path includes a career. It includes Hollywood. It includes the entertainment industry. Not that any of those things give me value or importance. But that's the world I'm in, like it or not. I'm a moody, creative, angsty writer. He was a distant, transient drummer. I don't know if I could ever know him as deeply as I wanted to. I literally wanted to be inside of him. Well…I only did that once. But I think that even figuratively, it was to get inside of him.

With the Drummer, I wore out the A side. But what I wanted was the cool, underappreciated B side. And that's the side I never got to.

I don't know who the next guy is going to be. I don't know when. I don't want it now. But, with everything in life, that's not up to me. I'm not open to it. And maybe I need to be single for a long, long time. My godmother certainly thinks so. She thinks I need to spend years by myself. We'll see how that works.

I told The Drummer that if he wanted a friendship, he would need to reach out to me. Do I think he's going to do that? No.

So having a friendship is really up to him. I'll pick up the phone, always. But I have to force myself to not reach out. I need to do that for myself. Honestly. That's going to be really hard to do.

I am not going to reach out to his friends. They don't need to be my friends. They're not people I had much in common with anyway. And I'm not talking about some people I feel I had a connection with. There are those people. I'm talking about the friends I was friendly to on a periphery level. They're loyal to him, as they should be. That door is closed.

I am grateful that I'm moving on.
I am grateful that I'm getting there.
I am grateful that I'm at peace.
I am grateful that I get the opportunity to be comfortable with myself, alone.
I am grateful that today is better than the same day last year.

Five Years Ago Today

The Drummer and I went on our first date five years ago today. On a Monday. It would have been our fifth anniversary today. And I closed the door on that chapter TODAY. The Universe has a poetic approach to life cycles.

I went and got the rest of my camping equipment today. I wanted a clean break. When I came over, he was on the phone and I looked around the place. I saw a digital photo frame. I looked at the pictures why I was waiting for him. Then I saw photographs of the two of them. My breath got short. I physically had a reaction - like people do in the movies. It was very dramatic - and very authentic as well. They looked happy. They are happy. That's it.

Out of hurt, I asked a lot of questions clarifying how they met. I wanted to know if they met before they broke up. They met in February. The new guy's birthday is February 23rd (not sure why he told me this). My breath got shorter. I got in the car and went on a ride along with the Ego Police. I was angry and upset and self-involved. It was not a good look for me, but it was honest. Too honest, maybe.

He wanted to cut the conversation short at that point and expressed that he had a lot to get done before he left town. I backed off because it was reminding me too much of what he would say to me all of the time any time I tried to express anything "this deep (his words)." That was a good reminder of our differences. But more than anything, it was clear that I didn't give him what he needed - and found so quickly. And neither did he.

After I left - once we hugged, said "I love you", and realized that this was difficult and that we'll work on our friendship once we establish a different way of being something to each other -  I had an epiphany. He met the boyfriend in February. I got my job in February. The boyfriend's birthday is February 22nd. I started my job on February 23rd.  The Universe gave us each what we wanted once we separated. This separation was necessary for each of us to be truly happy. Our relationship made us realize what was really important and what was holding us each back. Unfortunately, it was each other. But the doors flew open once we got out of each other's way.

And that is beshert. 

I'll be okay.

I am grateful for the realization that the break up was right and meant to be.
I am grateful for the love of friends who listened to me work this out all weekend.
I am grateful for a place to write these thoughts down.
I am grateful that my relationship to my work is thriving.

Why Can't Today Be the Day I'm Doing Better

I got some news a couple of days ago about my ex boyfriend and the fact that he's moved on with somebody new. I've stopped and started, gotten over it then gotten upset about it again. I'm a glutton for punishment because I think I should mourn the relationship again and be hurt about something I've known six months before we broke up:

ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

He was over it long before we were over. I tried to put it all back together again. I knew the relationship was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it. I was up for a job out of town and he did a lot to help me prepare for the interview. It's possible that he was pushing me out the door. And then that didn't happen. But we were left with a broken relationship. So those six months in between were about me trying in vain to put our relationship back together again with someone who was lying to me - he didn't want us to be back together again. And he was too cowardly to tell me that.

There was the friendship he kept private and away from me. There was the family he kept away from me. There were so many ways he had compartamentalized his life that I tolerated. And I shouldn't have. But I did because I cared. I already mourned this relationship and I moved on by having a successful career. I don't need to mourn him again. He doesn't deserve that.

WHY CAN'T TODAY BE THE DAY I'M DOING BETTER?

I've mourned this already. I've been sad and disappointed. I've seen that he wasn't the right guy for me and he didn't treat me with respect. He always said that we should be respectful of each other and the constant ways he disrespected me are out there.

I would have made a mistake if I hadn't applied to that job in Portland.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't kept working on my plays.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't kept an office.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't done things for myself.

I knew it would pay off and it did. But it only paid off for me. And I'm realizing that's the way it was meant to work out. My success wasn't meant for him. I had spent a lot of time supporting him and taking care of him with a pure, true heart. Because that's who I am. I say what I mean and I act out of how I feel. I have no poker face and no real ability to be dishonest. I wasn't perfect in our relationship. But I've copped to it.

So today doesn't need to be another day I'm in mourning. Yesterday was the day my anger got reignited. Yesterday was the day that I was reminded why were aren't together any more. Because I needed the reminder. My nostalgia wasn't allowing me to move on. I was getting stuck back there, only remembering the good times. I needed to be reminded that he could be a shitty boyfriend. He didn't take care of me. He didn't stand up for me. He didn't claim me. And that's why we grew apart. We made it too easy to focus elsewhere. We had an open relationship. I don't think it was a mistake, but I wouldn't do it again.

Yes, there were good things. Yes, I love him still. But he isn't the good guy he wants all to believe. Not that he's all bad either. He's a normal, human being who does shitty things just like the rest of us do.

So today's not going to be the day I mourn him again. Today's going to be the day I'm doing better. Or at least getting on the road to be doing better again.

I am grateful that I know more of the story.
I am grateful that I feel things.
I am grateful that I love myself.
I am grateful that I know who I am.
I am grateful that I live an authentic life and have for a long time.
I am grateful that things that are inauthentic seem to repel off of me.
I am grateful that I get it.

The Master Cleanse

This second half of the year for me is all about reinforcing the things I learned about myself in the first half of the year. Once I ended my relationship, my career started to take off. In the past month or so, I've forgotten some of those lessons because I started to get nostalgic about the relationship. Finding out that my ex has moved on with a new boyfriend has really made clear that that part of my life is over. And it's good to know that I can't go back to it, even in my head.

The first half of the year was about work. The second half of this year is a return to that. I took a bit of a respite because work was so draining. But now it's time to get back to it. And if the psychic I met last month had accurate predictions, things are about to get busy. I've decided to cleanse myself a bit from a few things in my life. And that will be a lot more difficult than just restricting myself from certain foods.

• No one night stands. As I type this, I get scared. That includes hook ups. I'd rather not say "celibacy" because I'm going to masturbate. But I'm going to go into gyms, korean spas, supermarkets, parties and other public events with no agenda to hook up. And I'm not going to hook up if the opportunity presents itself. I've never done this. I've thought about doing it, but I've never done it.
• Sobriety. I've done three sober months in the first six months of the year. I don't need alcohol. I've had some booze in the past month. I realized that I don't need it. It's fun, but I'm not getting wasted. So if I'm not getting wasted, then why drink at all? And I don't mean that to say that I should be getting blitzed. I mean that to say that I'm drinking to be social, but it's having no real effect on me. So if I don't need to drink to forget or cope, then why am I drinking?
• Whole 30. I'm going back on the Whole 30 for at least a month to see how I do on it again. But this time I'm going to do it as a culinary challenge. I'm going to focus on making recipes and not on the health benefits. I want to have an adventure with the types of recipes I can make. I want to do different culinary things. There are things in my diet that I like that I'm going to try and replicate. 
• Meditation. I start a three week meditation course on Monday. That will jump start my practice again. I need to be meditating at least once a day. It does such good things for me and that's what my body and my mind want to do. They want to spend more time in silence.
• Exercise. The last time I did my Whole 30, I hardly exercised. I want to see bigger results this time around, all around. And I think that exercising will help me get there. The things that work for me are cardio--spinning, dancing and running. I'd like to try to evolve and add more weight training to that. But more hard core circuit type stuff and boot camp type stuff. I've changed my mind and now I want to change my body so I can change my mind even deeper. I need to look different to support how different I am.

When my Dad died, I shaved my head to signify how different I felt. Now I want to change my body to feel how different I am. I have my Cize workouts that I can do. I have my gym membership and the spinning that I love doing. I should go back and take spin classes to at least get me disciplined. I'm thinking of swimming at the local gym as well to just test out how that makes me feel. Doing laps. I want my body to change and I want to see a different person in the mirror. Not out of vanity. But because I need to see a different person looking back at me to show me the change I have made. It's not just about something superficial like a haircut or a tattoo. It's literally morphing my body into something different to show the change that I've made.

I'm realizing that the ex didn't make all the changes after our relationship ended to hurt me. He made those changes because that's who he really is. And I've made changes to show who I really am. We were not being our true selves together. And I don't need to write him to tell him that. It's enough that I have written it here and that I know. I'm forgiving myself for not feeling adequate enough to keep him. And in forgiving myself, I have forgiven him.

I am grateful for the understanding in my heart.

I am grateful for the things I know about myself.

I am grateful to be in a new place in my life.

I am grateful to be truly happy.

I am grateful.

No Regrets

Today I ripped off a band-aid.
Yesterday, I found out that my ex-boyfriend, The Drummer, had a new boyfriend. A friend tried to "soften the blow" by letting me know. In that aftermath, I decided that I needed to get certain things from the house that I had put off grabbing six months ago. I needed to close a chapter.

Well, I didn't realize just how much of that chapter was unknown to me until today. I arranged to meet him at his place--where I also used to live. He greeted me and he looked great. He had lost some weight. He looked tan and happy. He's doing pilates now and is finally using the yoga mat I had given him five years ago for his birthday--the yoga mat he never used. The place was the cleanest I had ever seen it. I knew he had this new boyfriend and I didn't want to tell him I knew.

We talked about his recent gigs and some videos he was editing. We chatted about what he has been up to work wise. We talked about our break up a bit. There was a lot of chatting until I finally got the nerve to ask him about his boyfriend. But I had a change of heart. Our friend had asked me not to mention that she had told me about the new guy. I originally planned to honor that. But I then decided to honor myself. I didn't want to be dishonest.

I told him I knew and I had thought about lying, but I didn't want to do that. He admitted that he has been seeing someone new. And that this new boyfriend and him have been dating for four months. Whoa. Okay. Four months. Really. All right. I took a breath and was not doing a great job at appearing calm. They met at one of his gigs, not through mutual friends, which I kind of worried about. He's younger than The Drummer. I found out that one of his best friends, who he always said he considered like an older brother, he hasn't seen in months. About the amount of time that he has been seeing this new guy. Interesting. I told him that this friend of his found no reason to be polite to me any more when he saw me at the gym. He seemed surprised by this. I wasn't because I always felt the friend wanted to date The Drummer instead of me. The Drummer never brought us all together to make things less awkward. I had to beg The Drummer to set up a time for us all to meet. There was something either about me or about his life at the time that he had to compartimentalize.

I had to go meet my friend and so I decided that I needed to get the camping equipment I set out to retrieve. And as we were getting that stuff, I asked The Drummer if he took the new boyfriend to Joshua Tree for Memorial Day with all of his friends. He did. All right. Let me take a breath. But he clarified that he and the new boyfriend did not sleep in my father's tent. Small victories.

He helped me take my stuff to the car. I had one last question that I really didn't want to ask. But I had a feeling. I asked him if he was taking the new guy to Wisconsin when he was going to meet his parents. And the answer was: YES. I about lost it. I had to leave. When we were together he wasn't out to his parents, so I never met them in the four and a half years we were together. And this guy swoops in and meets the parents, enjoying the benefit of all the ground work I had laid out. I didn't want to be angry or to lose my composure. But I did. I'm hurt. I'm deeply hurt. It feels like the break up all over again in some ways.

But as he admitted, the relationship was over long before it was over and he was ready to move on. And move on he did. It's going to take me a minute to get past this.

And this is the reason I did not keep up my end of the bargain to keep quiet about knowing about the boyfriend for the friend who told me. She wanted me to have time to process before this party. But I didn't have all the information because she did not have all of the information. So I still would have been blindsided by a bunch of things. I also did not like that she did not approach The Drummer to let him know that she wanted to tell me and to give him the option to tell me himself. The Drummer said that he wishes he had the chance to tell me. But he was also avoiding the conversation. Four months in and I've been calling him and talking to him about stuff--and no mention of it.

Earlier in the conversation, he mentioned that he spent Fourth of July with a friend and his family in a local suburb. I knew that this "friend" was his boyfriend. And through some investigative reporting (i.e. stalking), I found out who this guy is. I had the information about where this guy's office is and what he does for a living. Made it pretty easy.

Now I'm not proud of myself for doing this. It's late at night and it's been on my mind. For the record, he is very cute. And he looks like he's got a good body. The Drummer was always able to get the good lookers. He's a great looker himself. He's the hottest guy I've ever dated seriously. I've slept with plenty of hot dudes. But he's the hottest long term relationship I've had. Why does that matter? I'm shallow.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll make smarter choices and I won't be a total stalker. But tonight, I'm hurt. Here's the silver lining: the Universe reminded me of who my ex is. He's a kind and wonderful guy. But he's not someone I felt took care of me during our relationship. He didn't stand up for me in proudly introducing me to people. I was always introduced with a sense of doubt and anxiety - as if I would do something that would paint him in a negative light. And, as someone who wants to be my friend, I expect him to take care of me as his friend as well. But he didn't do that either. It's over. And I want to close this chapter so that if we're meant to open up the friendship chapter, we can do that.

A few friends reminded me that I helped him out in our relationship to live a truer life by example. And as his friend, I am happy for any part I had in that. But it's over.

I am grateful that the Universe reminded me of the path I needed to be on.
I am grateful that I have some closure.
I am grateful to focus on myself for a bit.
I am grateful that I have work to keep me busy.
I am grateful that I have friends who love me.
I am grateful to The Drummer for teaching me to love more unconditionally and more openly.

Five Months Later...

This blog started out as a documentation of a break up. Then I found love. And then we broke up. The documentation of that break up was essentially four blog posts.

Over the past five months since my last post, I have had a lot of career and creative triumphs. I got staffed on a show, I started developing a show, and I'm a new member of a theatre company I've long admired. Great distractions from emotions. I just got back from a trip to see my brother and his family in Portland. Then at the airport I got news that brought it all back full circle.

Apparently, The Drummer has a new boyfriend. I was talking to my friend Andrea last night and I had a feeling that he would start dating before I started dating. I'm definitely not ready to date. I'm trying to figure out the other shit too. I had a crazy time at the bathhouse this weekend where I was thrown against a wall--in a passionate way, by a guy who was passionate and drunk. I needed to release some tension. I'm not ready to date, but I want a little bit of intimacy. I'm not sure how to navigate that yet, so I'm just ignoring that part of my life. But when I find out The Drummer has a new boyfriend, I can't ignore my feelings.

If I'm being 100 percent honest with myself, I was hoping that he would be single for awhile. In my mind, that would mean that he needed time to get over the relationship. But there's no better way to get over one relationship than to get into another one, right? I had a two hour conversation with The Drummer about a few weeks ago, when he was clearly already dating this guy. I had confronted him about the fact that he needed to make an effort if he wanted us to be friends, like he claimed he wanted. But why would you want to be friends with your ex when you're in the midst of getting to know someone new? There's no motivation for that. The answer to why he wasn't reaching out to be more was right in front of my face. It's the most obvious reason.

And I've been holding on. I'm not acting like we're broken up. But I don't want to get back together either. I'm stringing myself along. So it's officially over. He's got someone new. That didn't take long. This friend told me in a way that was the equivalent of spitting on a dick and shoving it in me. No lube, no warning, not "just the tip." Full penetration.

"So I'm having a party and I wanted to invite you and ________ and his boyfriend. I wanted to make sure that was okay."

Boyfriend?
Excuse me?
I didn't know he had a boyfriend.
My friend knew I didn't know he had a boyfriend. I don't think she was trying to stir the pot. And it really felt like this disclosure was about making her party special.
I'm really not sure why she told me, other than to make sure I was used to the idea by the time of her party, which she mentioned.
It wasn't to be hurtful, I'm clear on that.

And in that moment I thought all the things you're not supposed to think:

• How does he have a boyfriend already?
• Was he working on this when we were together?
• He's cuter than me. He has to be cuter than me.
• He's more of a grown up. He drives a better car than me.
• Why couldn't he tell me himself?

And then I remembered that The Drummer wasn't the most direct guy. I don't know if he put our friend up to the task--indirectly or directly. And then I realized he hasn't changed. These were the reasons we're not together anymore.

• He's got to make it all seem okay when it's not.
• He wasn't going to tell me, but he was going to keep refusing my invitations to meet up.
• I was making all of the effort when he was disinterested.

And then I felt a lot of guilt. Like I had pushed him away and then he retreated and then it became this pattern back and forth. I felt sorry for myself for a good hour or so. I texted a bunch of friends for sympathy. Classic Me.

Then I thought about it some more. It's over. I need to believe that it's over. I need to move on. Not into someone else's arms. But into my own arms. I need to embrace myself and love myself and date myself for a while. I don't want to be with anyone. Maybe I was scared to be alone. Maybe that's why I stayed so long. I loved him. I wasn't suffering. But it had just gotten so complacent and I was part of that. For some reason we weren't allowing each other to grow.

I know I don't want to be back with him. And I'm honestly bummed that he's got a boyfriend. I'd like to be a bigger person, but I'm not. Not tonight, anyway.

I am grateful for friends who have kicked me in the ass.

I am grateful for the love we had.

I am grateful for the ability and capacity to move on.

I am grateful that life has been good to me.

I am grateful for distracting airport Direct TV that has Bravo.

I am grateful for Bethenny Frankel and her one liners.

What My Month Long Cleanse Taught Me

Five years ago when I went through my previous break up, I went on a cleanse. The purpose of that was to find out what I didn't need in my life and in my body. I became aware that there are things we thoughtlessly allow into our lives when we're not paying attention. Mindless eating becomes mindless friendships, relationships, messages about ourselves, messages about others, jealousy, envy, hatred, etc. I vowed to become more mindful in how I proceed through life. I also wanted to be mindful about what I allowed into my life.

I think it was that first step toward  mindfulness which has lead to my desire for silence which has lead to my stillness and meditation practices. Now that I have just finished another cleanse after another relationship has ended, maybe there are different things to be left with. After that first cleanse, I stopped drinking coffee and haven't touched it since. I've gotten rid of most caffeine as well, although I'll have green tea from time to time and chocolate.

I did not miss alcohol at all. I realize that it's a coping mechanism.  I don't miss cigarettes. I don't miss dairy all that much. I didn't necessarily miss meat until I smelled a roast chicken the other night. It made me want to eat something meaty. But for me, meaty is warm, salty, comforting, chewy. It's not necessarily meat. I need something that has that mouth feel or that savory quality. Vegetables all of the time don't have that. Beans have the warmth, but not the chew. Lentils can get close to that with ground beef. I do love lentils. My soy chorizo gets very close to that in a lot of ways, even though that seems to be somewhat processed.

I also realize that I don't have to be strict. Or that I can be strict, but I don't have to punish myself or feel bad if I slip. I just start back up again or I make up for it in a different way. When I had that grilled cheese on white bread with french fries the night I broke up with The Drummer, I didn't feel good afterward. It didn't feel like a real treat. Sushi felt amazing. It felt good for me. It felt pure. It was fantastic.

I realize that I have certain foods that I like and respond to in the vegan realm. I love a noodle. I love kale. I get into vegan tacos. I do enjoy my oatmeal in the morning as a consistent way to wake up. It feels akin to my meditation. The day starts out the same way every morning. That's very helpful.

So here are the things I realize I like after the cleanse:

• Kale
• Lentils
• Sushi
• Fish
• Red meat and chicken occasionally
• Certain types of dairy

Here are the things that I could do with less of:

• Cheese
• Dairy
• Red meat and chicken
• White potatoes, white bread, white sugar

I would love to cut out sugar completely from my diet. It's an energy thing much like the caffeine. I would love to know what it's like to cut out sugar from my diet. My dried cranberries have a little bit of sugar. That seems ambitious, but so did caffeine at one point.

I did not feel crazy at any point during the cleanse. Meaning, I didn't go through withdrawals. I didn't start craving tons of salt or sugar. During that first cleanse, I really started craving sugar in a mad way. I think that means that I've done a good job in these five years to be more mindful of what I eat. I cut out a lot of processed food. I cut out soda a lot, although I did go back to it a bit in the last few months of my relationship. I realize now that I was craving comfort and I was rewarding myself with root beer. Root beer is a great cheat for me. I love it so. But maybe I will choose craft root beer. It's much richer and it feels more decadent. 

I'm not going to deprive myself of anything. But again, there are things I know I can do without. This cleanse really is helping me deal with how I take care of myself. My instinct when I knew things were going south with the relationship was to go for a vegan and alcohol cleanse. Just like when I would go out of town and my instinct would be to go running every day and to live the healthy lifestyle I wasn't living at home. I love that my instinct is towards self care and not towards self-destruction. I started smoking again after the last break up. I have not had a cigarette this time around. It was a healthier relationship, so maybe I didn't need to. But it was also something the Drummer and I would do occasionally. And it was a habit he used to have that he started up again. That was his self-destructive nature coming out.

My cleanse has taught me so much about what I want. The saying, "You are what you eat" has never been truer for me. I am what I allow in. Everything I allow is a reflection of who I am as a person.

As I venture into non-vegan, non-sober territory this month, I have a lot to think about. I'm not putting the pressure on myself to be vegan or sober during my birthday month. But I don't want to go back to bad habits, either. My body feels so much better as it processes out most of the things it takes in. It just takes what it needs and it gets rid of what it doesn't. A good functioning filtration system can teach me a lot about what I need to let pass through me and what I should not hold onto. I'm going to make things a lot easier on myself going forward.

I am grateful for cleanses.

I am grateful for lighter meals.

I am grateful for honest communication.

I am grateful for being single.

I am grateful for hope and optimism.

Keeping a Clear Path

Now that this path is clear and I've cleansed myself of the boyfriend, I have to remember to keep this path clear. What is the path? The path is a launch pad for a rocket ship which is my ascension into the sky that has no limit towards what I want to do with my life.

I have to remember a few key things:

• Don't call him.
• Don't offer him anything.
• Don't be kind. Be civil.
• Don't be a dick. But don't feel like I have to be the good guy.
• Don't reach out.
• Don't fall back.
• Don't get back together.
• Work more.
• Sleep more.
• Concentrate.
• Work on the intentions you made late last year.
• Be grateful.
• Talk to friends.
• Offer enough to them, but don't replace the need to take care of the boyfriend with the need to take care of my friends.
• Stand tall.
• Stand firm.
• Continue.

I have to keep this path clear, now that I've gotten rid of the clutter that wasn't allowing it to take off. I have been revving up this engine for quite some time and once the rocket ship takes off it will have a ton of momentum and energy to take it where it needs to go.

I don't have any obstructions any more. I am single. I don't have a relationship holding me back or keeping me down. I had less that I was worried about this time around. But now even that is gone and now the rocket is ready to launch. The most important thing I need to remember and the thing that all of these items add up to is:

Keep a clear path.

I am grateful for silence.

I am grateful for phone calls and text messages and emails from loved ones.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for good food.

I am grateful for my cleanse.

A Supportive Boyfriend

I've had a lot of time to think over the past five days. I have been nothing but a supportive boyfriend to the last two men I was in long term relationships with. Maybe I should have been less supportive. Because that's time away from the stuff I needed to focus on. For the first two years of our relationship specifically, I needed an escape from my father's illness. So I went to gigs. I hung out with him and his friends. We went away on weekends. We did a lot of stuff together. And I absolutely loved it. I have great memories of the camping trips and the drives. I felt like we were at our best when we were away from everything. When he was away from his drum set and I was away from my lap top.

But as things got busier for me, we drifted apart. I had been supportive of him, but now I needed to be supported in getting back to the work I needed to do. And I worked really hard. But the harder I worked, the more strain our relationship seemed to take on. I could tell he felt my absence when I wasn't going to gigs as much any more or when it was harder to make plans. But throughout all of that, his schedule never budged. Any time that we would spend together needed to be taken out of my time to do the things I needed to do. And last year cemented the deal. I had even less time for him than I had the year before. The time we had together I tried to make the most out of. But he already felt abandoned because I was applying for jobs out of town. I can understand that. But he would never hesitate to take a job if he needed to. And he wouldn't have discussed it with me.

So the less time I had for him, the less supportive he felt. Yes, it's true that The Drummer is a nicer guy on the surface than the Ex. But The Drummer is also passive aggressive and doesn't like confrontation. So he started pulling away and he started doing things that showed he had less interest. He started to tease me more in ways that had the sting of truth to them. But he was never direct. And when he was direct, he was angry. He didn't know how to separate the two.

Now that we've been out of this relationship for five days, I see all of the ways that I put him before myself. I tried to make it all work. The main thing I did this time around that I didn't do with The Ex is that I always made time for myself. Despite his objections to it. I know that put strain on us and that is eventually what led to the break up. But I couldn't let go of the things that I needed to do. And that paid off. Because I left the relationship with material to show for. When the Ex and I broke up, I didn't have that. I was committed to so many other things that I didn't have any time for myself to write and I was left having to start from scratch. I didn't have to start over this time. I just now have more time to do what I've been doing all along. And I'm capable of that.

I've cleared the path way. I've cleared the launching pad for my rocket ship to take off. I'm a good, supportive friend. I go out of my way for the people I love and respect. And that's usually returned in kind. My mother made an observation recently that The Drummer never felt comfortable in front of my friends. At my best friend's wedding, he stayed at the table hanging out with my mother while I was dancing and socializing with her family, to whom I'm like a brother and a son. He often remarked with different sets of friends who were cultured and social that he felt he was being judged. I didn't even notice that he didn't like my friends. But I went out of my way to get along with his friends and it was easy because they were all wonderful people. I didn't have to try hard. But neither did he because my friends are wonderful people. But he never got that. He kept finding places for himself to feel excluded and rejected because of his personal history. He'd hate that I was diagnosing him or that I was discussing it in a blog.

The good thing is that when I felt like he was trying to squash my personal dignity, I ignored him. But the bad thing is that I was in a relationship where someone was trying to make me feel bad about myself. It wasn't as bad as the last guy. But it was more subversive. And he definitely didn't think he was doing that. He sees himself as the good guy. It's vital to his sense of himself that he is the good guy. But we all have our dark sides and our blind spots. No one's the good guy all of the time.

Given what happened to me last time, I should have known better. But he's charming and he really is sweet. But his core wasn't so generous. Other people noticed this. Even when I don't have that much, I give. But he wouldn't. And it's not about money, but it's about time and thoughtfulness. Even when he would pick up the bill, I could tell that it was killing him. Like the night we broke up. He picked up the check, but he did so reluctantly and like he was doing me a favor.

I still love him. That's going to take awhile to go away. But he wasn't a supportive boyfriend. It pains me to say that and to even think it. But he was not a supportive boyfriend. When he needed things, I was there and I didn't ask. But when I needed things, it was different. He'd say that he helped put a roof over my head. But he held that over my head and never let me forget it. He also never acknowledged or thanked me when I did things for him. On the other hand, that's what I get for depending on someone so much. That's completely on me. I can't let him take the fall for that.

I wanted kind. I got sweet. That's better than bitter, angry and verbally abusive. But it's still not enough.

I am grateful for what I know now.
I am grateful for the love we had.
I am grateful for the friends in my life who have come out for me.
I am grateful for support that continues to show up.
I am grateful for friends who know the person I am.

Denial as a Default

Funny: the things we return to time and time again. Denial's one of those things for me. When I get into a relationship, eventually I start denying myself certain things in service to the other person. I've got to fix that.

I'm waking up between 7-7:30 am these days. And I'm going to bed around midnight or 1 AM at the latest. That's my natural state. Seven hours of sleep is my natural state. Waking up early and getting my day started right away is my natural state. The Drummer is a night owl because he's a musician and likes to go to bed around 3 AM or later. It always bothered him that we weren't on the same schedule and I thought that was fascinating. I wrote it off as him making a big deal out of nothing. But to him, it was major. It said a lot about our compatibility. But what regular person keeps that sort of schedule. I had no problem with him going to bed at one time and me at another. But I did compromise when it came to waking up. I didn't get up earlier than 10 AM. I had a schedule that could support that. And I managed to get a lot done in my schedule. But it never felt natural. I denied myself my natural state.

I stopped asking for the things I needed. I needed better sex. I needed more kissing and passion, not just jerking off side by side. We weren't buddies. We were boyfriends. I needed someone who was more open with himself and more vulnerable. I had someone who looked right, who said the right things and who did enough of the right things to be seen as a good guy. And, in truth, that's a hell of a lot better than the Ex was after our break up (We have since reconciled and the Ex asked to make amends with me about six months ago after being sober for two years and counting).

I told myself that it wasn't as bad as the situation before that. Maybe that's why I stuck around. It was a low grade level of not perfect. It wasn't drag down fights and door slamming and shoe throwing. It was a quieter separation. It was a gradual dying. And now as the days continue to add up and separate us even further, it's clear that so much was wrong between us. 

In the next few weeks and months, I guess I should figure out why denial is my default. This is the luxurious time to do work on myself. But the truth is every day, even when in a relationship, should be an opportunity to do some outpatient work. Right now, I'm in full on inpatient care. But when I'm done with the more intensive work, I need to check in with myself every day and not fall back into denial. I need awareness to be my default.

I am grateful for the break up.

I am grateful for new awareness that's coming.

I am grateful for the loneliness that teaches me about what I really want.

I am grateful that I know how to take care of myself.

I Am Back Here

I started this blog five years ago as a response to a break up. And I return to this blog after almost a year of not posting after a break up. The Drummer and I are no more. I come here to write about my life away from my creative life. I have another blog for that. But this is a refuge for me because I am not posting about this break up on Facebook. I am calling and texting friends individually to let them know what's going on with me.

As I reflect on this latest break up and as I grab coffee with friends to chat about my feelings, I realize how different things are this time around. I started the year on a cleanse from meat and alcohol. I went on a cleanse shortly after the other break up because I needed to shed myself of things I didn't need. And in the anticipation to this break up, I guess subconsciously I felt like I needed to do the same thing. I'd like to give up booze, cigs and meat forever. The truth is that I hope to give up alcohol and cigarettes. I'd like to stop eating meat and animal products, but even just taking a break from them for at least a month is going to be totally helpful. The reason I did the cleanse the first time was to get rid of things I didn't need. To live simply.

For the past year, it has been clear to me that I was carrying anywhere between 20-30 pounds I didn't need. My friends would say that I look great. And I still think I manage to look nice. But it's never about looks for me. I love detoxing. I love every time I get rid of waste. I feel like I am purifying myself every time I get rid of something that's unnecessary. I could handle being 145-150 pounds with my frame without looking too skinny. I'm not going to set a certain time frame or a certain goal to shed weight. But I'm just going to start getting rid of things I don't need like stress, excess noise, tobacco, alcohol, meat, fake friends, etc. And we'll see what happens when I start letting go. What else will fall away? The truth is that I prefer the feeling of being hungry to being totally stuffed. Does that mean I have an eating disorder? Or does that mean that my inclination is towards pure necessity? Oh, who knows?

My friend Susan and I had a conversation today and she said something really profound. She knew a woman who was a little psychic who told her that she saw a rocket waiting to take off, but it didn't have a place to take off from. The area was cluttered. Susan shared this story with me as a way to support the fact that I was clearing the clutter in order for my rocket to take off. And it's true. The rocket has been revving up to go all year. And the rocket has been letting me know that it's ready to take off in 2016 because I've already got some things lined up and at the ready for the beginning of the year. I've got projects to work on, I'm teaching and some other job possibilities might be coming up. So I'm clearing that launch pad so I can take off. She also said to be careful of cluttering it up with other things, so I'm trying to be mindful of that as well.

I'm doing fine. I'm trying to reach out to friends. I didn't disconnect from my friendships like I did last time. I am active in my friends' lives. I have an active creative community. Things are all good. I'm staying busy and active. I do need to hit the gym a little bit harder these days. But other than that, I'm getting my self together.

And I'm still in shock. It hasn't been very long. So I'm sure other emotions will be creeping up.

I am grateful to be back.
I am grateful that I didn't stray too far from myself.
I am grateful that I know what's best for me.
I am grateful that life has taken a new turn.
I am grateful to have a little less stress in my life.

Tarot Card Reading: Review

I got a text from Susan today asking me if anything about the reading seemed to ring true this week. I got to thinking about that and figured, I'd put my responses down in a blog post.

What I like to do after a reading is keep going back every few weeks to see if what came out in the cards is coming to pass. So this is my first check in with myself.

Where I am Right Now (King of Swords)

The King of Swords points to a very forceful energy. You may need to change something about your behavior, thoughts and/or expectations. If you're looking for work, a stereotypical man's man may be able to help. But you have to impress him on every level. In relationship to love, you have to accept your beloved as who he is. In terms of finances, face the reality of your situation head on. There is a need for generosity towards others.

Cut away from an old belief that has outlived its purpose. Listen to your intuition. A boss or co-worker won't mince words.

I am in the process of trying to change things up. I'm looking for day jobs. I'm looking for jobs that feel like I could have a purpose and yet won't distract me too much from writing. I keep thinking about this old belief that has outlived its purpose and there have been a lot of old ideas that are no longer useful. But this idea that if I commit to a day job then I am giving up, I am giving up on that way of thinking. Worrying about money is taking up too much of my time and given the productivity I've had especially in the last year and a half, I can make money not writing and still have time to write. I just have to focus on that and make it a priority. It doesn't mean that I'm giving up or selling out.

Setting the Stage (Tower)

The Tower is a card about Change. It seems that some people who used to be there for you aren't in the same way. Change is a part of life, this isn't dire. If you've been building castles in the air, it may be time for them to come crashing to earth. This is only a problem if you let it be. You'll make it through time time. Realize you've got all the resources you need. Control your temper. Sudden reversals can happen now. This can be an indicator that a relationship is about to end. Keep communication clear if you are in a relationship you want to stay in. Find out exactly what you are dealing with financially. Deal with any problems in a straight forward manner. Careful with drugs and alcohol. Keep a positive attitude.

Breaking a part a structure that keeps you bound. There's an inner urge to break free. Violent upheaval. Sweeping life clean. Now doors open. New chapters begin. A fresh start.

Setting the stage for Change. Yes, there are people in my life who don't serve a purpose as much as those ideas that don't serve a purpose. And maybe they're related. I found myself last year getting rid of some people who I thought were close to me and who really defined me. It's not the friendships that are easy to let go of that make an impact, it's the ones you never thought you would let go of. But when I think about it, these people either proved themselves to be something other than what I thought or those friendships had just run their course. I believe that writing is my vocation in life. But that doesn't mean that I will go to Hollywood and get paid millions to do it. That doesn't mean that it was all worth it. The fact that I spend every day writing means that I'm meant to do it. The fact that I have ideas that keep coming and that I have opportunities to keep writing are affirmation that I'm a writer all day every day no matter what. Those big pay days don't define me. Another old idea I'm letting go of is that if I'm not famous and rich as a writer then I am a failure. I am a success every day I wake up to write. And in the days I don't hit the keys, I'm still reading, watching and thinking about writing. My life is facing in that direction. I have been setting the stage for the past four years for a big change to happen. I have been clearing the way for a new way of living.

What I'm Learning This Month (10 of Wands)

You feel like you are carrying a heavy burden. How can you lighten your load? Don't do too much. Give yourself a break, you have been working too hard. If you've been looking for a new position, don't lose heart. You won't fail. Something in your relationship needs to be examined. Take the time. Make a financial plan. Massage and vacation can work wonders now.  Reach out for help in all areas.

You're a workaholic on a mission. You have so much responsibility. Take time to head out into the world and dispense new knowledge. Do things for yourself.

It's amazing that the thing I keep learning is to lighten my load and not to do too much. It seems like I have been doing too much for too long that I need to give myself a break. That thought is so antithetical to the way I was raised and what I believe. But again, there's another idea that has outlived its purpose. So this month is about looking for that new position and knowing that I won't fail.  A lot of what this reading was about was that my relationship needs to be looked at. And I've known that for a long time. That doesn't mean THE END. That means that as I am looking at myself, I need to be looking at the relationship and giving to it everything I can, if that's what I want. I'm being more open and vulnerable with The Drummer and that's bringing us deeper and closer. I need to make a financial plan, that's good advice. If I have a plan for what I need, then the opportunities that come my way can help fill that need. I'm also trying to take care of myself as much as I can. I like this month's lesson.

The Root/Unconscious/What I'm Standing On (7 of Wands)

In any competitive situation, you come out on top. Now is the time to feel your fear and do it anyway. Make clear where you stand with people. You'll help the situation by making your self clear. A big positive change is coming. This card is about thinking for yourself and independence. Now's the time to be self-employed. Expect an increase in finances. Be sensible with money. Think long term.

You possess the ability to succeed against opposition. The Writer's Card. Tie up loose ends of past. Rely on your own strength and judgment. Time to take the plunge towards self-employment.

My unconscious thoughts say that I'm a good competitor. That is true. I am very competitive because I like to stretch myself. We have this writing challenge through my playwrights group and I'm using the opportunity to get as much done as possible. Last year, I wrote an entire play in a month. It's not about being "better" than anyone else. It's just about using that pressure to get more done. I'm usually good when I don't pay attention to what other people are doing and I just feel like I'm trying to outrun a train. When I look back, I usually get further than I thought I would. I know a positive change is happening, and I'm just trying to remember that change is coming and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to do that when you're surviving on the bare minimum (and sometimes below the bare minimum) of life. The one thing that comes up sometimes is self-employment and I'm constantly confused by that. I'm not sure if that means that I need to be in business for myself, if I need to set up my website, if I need to find more freelance work. Because right now the idea of a 401K and great health benefits and a long term plan sound so attractive. Is that the wrong thing? I would love to know ASAP so I can start heading in the right direction if I'm not already there.

The Last Two Weeks (Death)

Transformation and Change. Certain people or situations are not available to you as they once were. Let go of a self-limiting belief or attitude. Accept the change about to happen to make this transition easier. This change and destruction will be followed by renewal. You may benefit from a complete change of field. Do it. Face any problems in your relationship and try to fix it. If you can't, you might have to move on. Reach out for help. Deal with financial changes. Stay healthy. Don't abuse drugs or alcohol. Move through this "dark night of the soul."

Transition. Transformation. Permanent change is required. Are you afraid of the future? Seek out a new occupation or career.

BIG CHANGE. I'm ready. This was the part where Susan was staring to get nervous in the reading. But I reminded her that the big changes in my life that have brought about the most positivity have been because of huge disruptions to the way I used to live. Nothing in my life is anything of what it was like four years ago. I was in a shitty relationship at home and at work and in my family. I was maxing out on my daddy issues. I didn't want to get up in the morning. I didn't like myself. I felt like a huge failure and that life had passed me by. But that all changed. And now I have less money than I have had in a long time and I feel happier and more fulfilled than ever. So what does that tell me? That change is good. That I need to focus on the right things. But what does that have to do with the last two weeks? Maybe I'm preparing for big change more than I realize. I think the two weeks before this reading I was confronting my past a lot. SO maybe it's just time to finally say good bye to it. SO much of my past is coming up in my dreams. I have been dreaming about my past more than ever lately. But perhaps that's a sign. It's time to close the chapter on a part of my life I now look back at with such nostalgia. It wasn't as good as I'm making it out to be.

How Others See you in the World (Wheel of Fortune)

This is a very spiritual and Karmically oriented time. Change. You are being called on to follow your dream. Reach out to someone who does what you dream of doing. Talk about how you're feeling in your relationship to get what you want. Financial circumstances are about to change.  Save for a rainy day when fortunes change. Hold yourself accountable for what is happening in your life.

Change. Take a gamble. Fates are trying to steer you in a new direction. New work cycle.

Do others see me as a gambler? Do they see me as someone who follows his dream and does what he wants? Do others see me as a risk taker? I know that others see me as someone who writes a lot. I know that others see me as someone who is independent and special. I claim that. So the fates are trying to steer me in this new direction. As my friend Carrie said yesterday, I need to stop fighting the current. The riptide of life has me and I need to just swim with it until it's ready to drop me off in the place I should be. I am being called on to follow my dream. Maybe that security job isn't coming. So don't fight it. Swim parallel to the dream and let the dream get me where I need to be.

Next Two Weeks (5 of Wands)

Competition. Don't be afraid of competing. You have something to offer. You need to believe in yourself stronger than ever now. You may be thinking of making a career change and can be successful. In competition, the only way to lose is not to try. Don't be afraid of the competition. You can come out on top. Play fair. You or your partner may be pursued by many people. Even though money's tight, think about your financial situation calmly. You might not be able to make all of your obligations right now, but you will. Do what you can. Things will be better financially in the next couple of weeks. Give yourself time to rest and reset.

Others want what you want. Don't give in. Competition is stiff and frustrating. Efforts won't go unrewarded. Countering rivals. Ignore the gossip. Significant challenges.

The next two weeks (which I'm in now) are about competition. That's true. I have my play to finish for the writing challenge and my first developmental reading through Moving Arts. I also have the Humanitas application due on March 1st. I have another play to submit on the 16th. I have the Humanitas Play LA application due on April 15th. I have my second reading on April 14th. This is probably the most positive message in the cards out of all of them and it's about the next two weeks. If I compete, I will win. I have something to offer. I have to keep going and believe in myself. That's why my belief in myself is being tested. The only way to lose is not to try. No chance of that. I'm trying new things and I'm succeeding in getting better. Things are about to get better financially. My efforts won't go unrewarded. I just need to ignore the noise around me and work.

Self-Concept (3 of Swords)

Allow yourself to fully experience any sorrow or joy that comes now. Very deep emotional issues that must be addressed before you can move on. Your whole life is not or should not be what you do professionally. Look in a different field. Ask for help. If there is difficulty in your relationship, know that you are being guided to the relationship that is right for you. If your financially is overwhelming, look at it at a chunk at a time. Ask for assistance. Don't hold onto things that have outlived their purpose. Make room for new blessings to come in.

Heartbreak. Loss. Disappointment. Intense feelings take their control. Letting go of what no longer serves you. Change must be made. Inspiration leads you far afield of where you started.

This card is about how I see myself. See this card is talking about how I see myself and that it doesn't have to be about what I do professionally. I can look at things differently now and be okay. I need to make room for new ideas to come in. I have to let go of what no longer serves me, that is an important part of how I see myself. Because if the way I see myself is limited, I will not live the fullest expression of myself that is possible. Inspiration leads me far afield of where I started--I like that. I don't know quite what that means yet, but I like the idea.

Hope or Fear (Judgment)

Don't jump to conclusions. Slow down. This can be a time of real spiritual awakening. Your efforts are being watched. If you have been working hard and doing your best, things are about to pay off. Make very clear what you want out of life and love. Money and contracts will be heading your way now. Things should be on a very important, positive upswing. Be open to new ideas and new experiences.

Major reality. Release the past. Awakening from your journey. Learn to mold awakedness with kindness. The journey moves in a spiral that goes up. Waking up to realize real work and path.

This is about my hopes and fears. Don't jump to conclusions. Okay. Slow down. My body is tired and showing my signs that I need to relax and slow down. I have been working hard and things are about tot pay off. I want a true partnership in both my personal and professional lives. Even if that means that the person I was thinking might be a new manager isn't that person, I know that she will be a part of my growth. And this could be a longer dance. That's fine too. More opportunities to show myself. Again, this is about releasing the past. I fear that the best is behind me. That is a thought that has outlived its purpose. The best is yet to come. I have made it through this journey and I can now reap the benefits of everything I have lived and experienced.

Home/Energy You Draw to Yourself (Son of Disks/Knight of Pentacles)

The Knight of Pentacles points to messages, most often about money and finance. You are likely to receive news you have been waiting on and this news is likely to be good. The Knight tells us to pay attention to the mundane and normal parts of our lives. It's a very practical card. You must work within existing systems and accomplish what people want you to accomplish. This is positive in terms of work, but you need to come across as even keeled in interviews, not as a maverick. Money is coming soon and could be coming in from anywhere. Keep your nose to the grindstone and don't bet more than you can afford to lose. Make small positive mundane changes in terms of health.

Set financial goals and stick to them. Headed for professional success and distraction. Steady income. Willingly accepting obligation and taking responsibility for actions.

The energy I try to draw to myself is of success and openness. It's of full expression. I remember that Steven Pressfield in his books talks about the work not happening in the big moments but in those every day mundane moments. It's about a practice that you keep at every day. The muses will come where they see the most work being produced. I have to work in existing systems to get done what I want to. This is not maverick time. But I am able to get done what I need to get done. That will happen. I can still have a maverick spirit, but I need to keep my nose to the grindstone and get my shit done. The energy I am drawing to me is one of hard work, studiousness and perseverance.

Next Steps (World)

How good are you at asking for help when you need it? You might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, but don't feel like you have to go at it alone. You've worked hard and you're almost at the finish line in some way. Don't quit now that you're almost finished. You are in need of rest and relaxation, don't be afraid to take it. You are getting closer to who you really are at your deepest levels. In terms of work, there's a chance that you're working too hard for too little recognition and money. If this is the case blow your own horn a little, don't be afraid and don't be overlooked. You might be finding your relationship rising to greater heights. Your financial blockage is about to break and you'll be flush again soon. Don't go mad with spending when it does happen. Make sure to save. Follow your instincts about what is best for your health. Might be time to find a healer. You are likely to have clear flashes of spiritual insights at this time.

The fool's journey ends. Reached a deep understanding. Most private beliefs affect the world. Completion. Success. Fulfillment. Don't assume ultimate goal has been attained. Travel. Foreign contacts. Overcome limitations.

My next steps are to keep going even thought it's getting difficult. I'm almost at the finish line and that's where it always gets the hardest. It's the story of Odysseus. Don't open the bag of wind that will set me back. This is the antithetical thought though: as it gets closer, just lay back and relax. I am working too hard for too little money. I need to blow my horn more. I think that makes sense. The squeaky wheel gets the grease and I could use a little more squeak in my step. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and not worrying about the reward or the outcome. That will figure itself out. Don't think about it too much. Just do what you're doing.

I am grateful for insight.
I am grateful for tarot cards.
I am grateful for truth.
I am grateful for energy.
I am grateful for food.
I am grateful for my stubbornness.
I am grateful for all there is to come.

Tarot Cards: Birthday Reading

It has been about six months since my last Tarot Card Reading.

(Gosh, I just had flashbacks to my old days as a Catholic at confession)

I've learned a lot since then. About myself. And about the way I move through the world. Today is my birthday, so my friend Susan decided to do a reading for me to commemorate the occasion. I started a meditation practice. I feel like I have slowed down and distilled my life to the bare essence. Something in the air feels like it's time to build again. I have leveled my life. I have spent the past four years leveling my life and now it's time to build on this land again.

But what will I build? The reading had some indication.

Here's what my last reading was all about:

http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2014/08/tarot-card-reading-ask-for-help.html

The last reading was very open ended. I was in the middle of a cycle and I wouldn't be ending it any time soon. Usually, the cards indicate some sort of cycle you're in. The cycle I was in would be continuing on for awhile. There was a feeling of transition and not of resolution. The gist was that things were happening for me. I was meeting people who could help out with my career, but it didn't feel like much was happening other than good will.

This reading felt much more definite. It felt like it is time for things to happen. The theme of the reading is BIG CHANGES. Susan felt bad about the reading because it didn't feel like good things were on the horizon. I remember the other times of big change in my life: my break up, my father's death, leaving a long time job. And those big changes brought about a whole new perspective in my life. I like big change because it means that what I have been working on steadily for a period of time was finally coming to fruition. I was finally giving birth to the next stage in my life. And nothing is born without labor and trauma. We don't come into this world delicately. We are forced out through a human being or we are cut out of her. It's violent. Plants break through the earth. Nothing is born without disruption.

So I go into this next phase with much excitement. Things are about to happen.

Where I am Right Now (King of Swords)

The King of Swords points to a very forceful energy. You may need to change something about your behavior, thoughts and/or expectations. If you're looking for work, a stereotypical man's man may be able to help. But you have to impress him on every level. In relationship to love, you have to accept your beloved as who he is. In terms of finances, face the reality of your situation head on. There is a need for generosity towards others.

Cut away from an old belief that has outlived its purpose. Listen to your intuition. A boss or co-worker won't mince words.

Setting the Stage (Tower)

The Tower is a card about Change. It seems that some people who used to be there for you aren't in the same way. Change is a part of life, this isn't dire. If you've been building castles in the air, it may be time for them to come crashing to earth. This is only a problem if you let it be. You'll make it through time time. Realize you've got all the resources you need. Control your temper. Sudden reversals can happen now. This can be an indicator that a relationship is about to end. Keep communication clear if you are in a relationship you want to stay in. Find out exactly what you are dealing with financially. Deal with any problems in a straight forward manner. Careful with drugs and alcohol. Keep a positive attitude.

Breaking a part a structure that keeps you bound. There's an inner urge to break free. Violent upheaval. Sweeping life clean. Now doors open. New chapters begin. A fresh start.

What I'm Learning This Month (10 of Wands)

You feel like you are carrying a heavy burden. How can you lighten your load? Don't do too much. Give yourself a break, you have been working too hard. If you've been looking for a new position, don't lose heart. You won't fail. Something in your relationship needs to be examined. Take the time. Make a financial plan. Massage and vacation can work wonders now.  Reach out for help in all areas.

You're a workaholic on a mission. You have so much responsibility. Take time to head out into the world and dispense new knowledge. Do things for yourself.

The Root/Unconscious/What I'm Standing On (7 of Wands)

In any competitive situation, you come out on top. Now is the time to feel your fear and do it anyway. Make clear where you stand with people. You'll help the situation by making your self clear. A big positive change is coming. This card is about thinking for yourself and independence. Now's the time to be self-employed. Expect an increase in finances. Be sensible with money. Think long term.

You possess the ability to succeed against opposition. The Writer's Card. Tie up loose ends of past. Rely on your own strength and judgment. Time to take the plunge towards self-employment.

The Last Two Weeks (Death)

Transformation and Change. Certain people or situations are not available to you as they once were. Let go of a self-limiting belief or attitude. Accept the change about to happen to make this transition easier. This change and destruction will be followed by renewal. You may benefit from a complete change of field. Do it. Face any problems in your relationship and try to fix it. If you can't, you might have to move on. Reach out for help. Deal with financial changes. Stay healthy. Don't abuse drugs or alcohol. Move through this "dark night of the soul."

Transition. Transformation. Permanent change is required. Are you afraid of the future? Seek out a new occupation or career.

How Others See you in the World (Wheel of Fortune)

This is a very spiritual and Karmically oriented time. Change. You are being called on to follow your dream. Reach out to someone who does what you dream of doing. Talk about how you're feeling in your relationship to get what you want. Financial circumstances are about to change.  Save for a rainy day when fortunes change. Hold yourself accountable for what is happening in your life.

Change. Take a gamble. Fates are trying to steer you in a new direction. New work cycle.

Next Two Weeks (5 of Wands)

Competition. Don't be afraid of competing. You have something to offer. You need to believe in yourself stronger than ever now. You may be thinking of making a career change and can be successful. In competition, the only way to lose is not to try. Don't be afraid of the competition. You can come out on top. Play fair. You or your partner may be pursued by many people. Even though money's tight, think about your financial situation calmly. You might not be able to make all of your obligations right now, but you will. Do what you can. Things will be better financially in the next couple of weeks. Give yourself time to rest and reset.

Others want what you want. Don't give in. Competition is stiff and frustrating. Efforts won't go unrewarded. Countering rivals. Ignore the gossip. Significant challenges.

Self-Concept (3 of Swords)

Allow yourself to fully experience any sorrow or joy that comes now. Very deep emotional issues that must be addressed before you can move on. Your whole life is not or should not be what you do professionally. Look in a different field. Ask for help. If there is difficulty in your relationship, know that you are being guided to the relationship that is right for you. If your financially is overwhelming, look at it at a chunk at a time. Ask for assistance. Don't hold onto things that have outlived their purpose. Make room for new blessings to come in.

Heartbreak. Loss. Disappointment. Intense feelings take their control. Letting go of what no longer serves you. Change must be made. Inspiration leads you far afield of where you started.

Hope or Fear (Judgment)

Don't jump to conclusions. Slow down. This can be a time of real spiritual awakening. Your efforts are being watched. If you have been working hard and doing your best, things are about to pay off. Make very clear what you want out of life and love. Money and contracts will be heading your way now. Things should be on a very important, positive upswing. Be open to new ideas and new experiences.

Major reality. Release the past. Awakening from your journey. Learn to mold awakedness with kindness. The journey moves in a spiral that goes up. Waking up to realize real work and path.

Home/Energy You Draw to Yourself (Son of Disks/Knight of Pentacles)

The Knight of Pentacles points to messages, most often about money and finance. You are likely to receive news you have been waiting on and this news is likely to be good. The Knight tells us to pay attention to the mundane and normal parts of our lives. It's a very practical card. You must work within existing systems and accomplish what people want you to accomplish. This is positive in terms of work, but you need to come across as even keeled in interviews, not as a maverick. Money is coming soon and could be coming in from anywhere. Keep your nose to the grindstone and don't bet more than you can afford to lose. Make small positive mundane changes in terms of health.

Set financial goals and stick to them. Headed for professional success and distraction. Steady income. Willingly accepting obligation and taking responsibility for actions.

Next Steps (World)

How good are you at asking for help when you need it? You might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, but don't feel like you have to go at it alone. You've worked hard and you're almost at the finish line in some way. Don't quit now that you're almost finished. You are in need of rest and relaxation, don't be afraid to take it. You are getting closer to who you really are at your deepest levels. In terms of work, there's a chance that you're working too hard for too little recognition and money. If this is the case blow your own horn a little, don't be afraid and don't be overlooked. You might be finding your relationship rising to greater heights. Your financial blockage is about to break and you'll be flush again soon. Don't go mad with spending when it does happen. Make sure to save. Follow your instincts about what is best for your health. Might be time to find a healer. You are likely to have clear flashes of spiritual insights at this time.

The fool's journey ends. Reached a deep understanding. Most private beliefs affect the world. Completion. Success. Fulfillment. Don't assume ultimate goal has been attained. Travel. Foreign contacts. Overcome limitations.

Overall, a positive reading. I think big changes are on their way. But big rewards are also on their way as a result of these big changes. This was a good reading to have as I'm embarking on another year on this planet. It's a pretty wonderful atmosphere to be in.

I'm breaking through.

I am grateful for friends who offer their help.
I am grateful for awakenings.
I am grateful for a spiritual path.
I am grateful for change.
I am grateful for disruption.
I am grateful for what I didn't know before.
I am grateful for what I know now.
I am grateful for the shock of the new.
I am grateful for inner peace.
I am grateful for curiosity and wonderment.
I am grateful for being born.
I am grateful for this wonderful weather.
I am grateful for the whole day to rest and relax and recoup.

Just When You Think You've Conquered Something...

Last night I almost broke up with my boyfriend.

Things had been rough for awhile and we weren't really connecting. We weren't talking much. We weren't having sex. We were two separate people occupying the same space. And he had brought this up a lot. I felt like things could get better. But I didn't know how to make them better. There was a lot of talk about what we didn't have in common, which isn't something that ever bothered me. But we weren't sharing time together and when we were together we had nothing to relate to each other about.

But neither one of us knew how to get out of it.

Then yesterday things exploded. I had met him out at a sports bar to watch the Packers play and immediately I had bad energy. I didn't want to be there. I didn't feel comfortable. I had visible distain for the whole situation. And he knew it.

So when he got home, we had a conversation. We had many conversations dancing around the topic of us not connecting, but every time he had said that he didn't want to break up and that it wasn't about us breaking up. I felt relieved to hear that, but I also felt like that might not be true. What we were going through felt serious and I felt like he wasn't acknowledging it. Then he said, "We might not be the right fit."

There it was. The thing that I had been afraid of. The thought that was lingering in the air. My first thought was I knew it! Then I wondered if this was truly where we were. Was this the break up conversation? We both agreed that there didn't seem to be any way out. We both felt like we had tried and had once been connected. I felt like he had thrown his hands in the air and given up. Then I said something I hadn't expected to say.

I told him that I still resented him for not being there when my Dad died. I didn't feel supported. And because of things in his personal history, I never pushed it. I just assumed that him not being there for me was just something I would have to deal with. Besides, I had friends who were supportive. I was able to get support from other places. So I did what I try not to do--I pushed my feelings down, didn't acknowledge them and kept moving forward with my process of mourning. I didn't notice it right away because I had plenty of people in my life who had lost parents. I had my mother and my brother. I had other friends who were there for me.

After I told him that, we continued to talk about other things. What would we do now? Then he had to go teach a few music lessons and I decided to go visit my friends Susan and Clayton. We had dinner together where we talked about it. Susan told me to be patient. They both acknowledged that I should have someone in my life who supports me. I didn't know if this was it for us. When I broke up with the Ex, I had said that I wanted someone who was kind.  I needed to bring kindness into my life. And the Drummer had done that. Maybe that's all he came to do. And now that he brought kindness into my life, maybe that was it. The relationship had run its course.

As I left Susan and Clayton's I got a call from the Drummer. He was going to hit a few balls at the driving range before coming home to clear his head. I got home and ate something. I had just had dinner, but I felt like I needed to eat something. Then he came home. He wasn't feeling good. He was sick to his stomach. The revelation that I resented him for not being there for me hit him hard. He felt disappointed. He felt like he had failed me. I told him I never brought it up in any real way because he has some pain around family issues and I didn't want to disrespect him by asking for support. He had legitimate pain and I had legitimate pain and I didn't want to fight over whose pain was the deepest. He told me that it all made sense now. Knowing that I had resentment around how supportive he could be for me explained everything. He had losses he didn't think it was important to acknowledge. He also didn't remember saying the things I told him he said. I assured him that he said them and that they had a bigger impact than he realized.

Something broke. Something was shaken. The walls had been lifted or broken through. We suddenly had a place of understanding that we didn't have before. Then he asked me to hold him. And as I held him and rubbed his back, it felt closer than it had felt in a long time. It felt real. We both felt the love between us that had been missing. And we both acknowledged that we missed it.

I seriously thought it was over last night. I had prepared myself for it. I was scared. We both were.

And where do we go from here? How do we keep things from falling backwards? I think we keep talking. We have achieved a level of openness that we really didn't have before. I told him that I wanted to tell him how I felt now instead of six months after our break up, when we would have that "catch up" conversation where we could really be honest with each other with some distance from the relationship. I wanted to tell him now, so that at least he would know what was going on with me. And it was the thing that saved our relationship. As scary as that was to say, it saved us.

I am grateful for honesty.
I am grateful for an open minded and open hearted partner in life.
I am grateful to conquer fear.
I am grateful for the things that scare me.
I am grateful for the opportunity for renewal.

Meditation: Coming Out of the Closet

I'm into my meditation practice lately.  I have noticed how it has made small shifts in my consciousness and has allowed me to just let thoughts pass instead of being stuck in them.  I think it has given me my abundant productivity lately. I think it has helped me reduce my anxiety. I think it has allowed me to just be in the moment as much as possible and to focus on what is there versus what is not there.

Last night, I was at my best friend's birthday dinner and I was talking to her sister, who casually mentioned that she had been meditating. Not that I should judge a book by its cover, but it was surprising to me that she meditated. And it's not because she's not the spiritual type. Or because she seems a certain way to me. It's mainly because we've never had those conversations before.

And I realized that there are probably a lot of people in my life who I don't have the meditation conversation with. And the meditation conversation isn't just about meditation, it's about the things that occur to us as a result of meditation. It's about letting thoughts pass by. It's about shedding negativity. It's about living in an ultra sensitive space when it comes to recognizing the things that are blockages.

Right now in my life, I feel there are a category of people in my life who are on their way out. It's not that they're bad people. It's not that they've necessarily done something horrible to me. But it's just that our frequencies aren't matching up right now. Their rhythm is not my rhythm.  A lot of it does have to do with an overruling negative outlook.  And that outlook doesn't necessarily look like negativity.  Much like Resistance doesn't always look like Resistance, it looks like Reluctance or Rationalization. I want to surround myself with energy that reflects where I am at right now: relentless, purposeful, excited, buoyant, loving, kind. I want people who are writing five or six scripts a year so my life is reflected. I want people in my life who are constantly asking questions, constantly reading books, constantly making themselves excited, constantly full of wonder.

When I was with the ex, I think it was incredibly telling that I left that relationship without a lot of friends because his friends became my friends. Then I built certain things back up in my life and now I have a community of artists around me who I respect.  But I'm working really hard and I want to be around people who match that level, because I need to be pushed. Not always the one pushing.

I think "cleaning house" a bit is allowing me to bring that energy into my life. It is a bit of an upgrade. I'm ready to ascend to the next level. And the friends who are growing and evolving alongside me will be there. And the ones who aren't won't be there.

It's incredible to me the difference that meditation is making in my life. It's not a series of earthquakes, but a series of tremors that eventually shift the ground.

I am grateful for constant change.
I am grateful for comrades in meditation.
I am grateful for true friendship.
I am grateful for unconditional love.
I am grateful for unconditional wisdom.

Spirituality: The Person I Am Meant to Be

I have been on THIS journey for almost four years.

This journey being the journey of this blog which I started almost four years ago. My big break up happened four years ago Halloween.  And what I have gained in perspective and in peace of mind in that four years is immeasurable. And it continues to grow and expand all of the time.

In some ways, I don't recognize that person. But in other ways, I am very aware of who he is and his attributes so that I don't revert back to that. I don't think I could go backwards completely, but that sort of Resistance is dangerous and something I have to keep my eye on constantly.

I started this blog because I needed a place to talk about these changes that were going on inside of me. I needed a place to be safe and here in this blog I could be safe and sound. I could voice what was happening. A friend years ago said that I had been incredibly honest in this blog. I know that she meant that I had been too honest. Well, not too honest for me. I had to exorcise those demons and I had to do them publicly so I wouldn't turn back. I had to make a commitment to myself to move forward and putting my life down for people to read made sure that I was accountable. And there was something incredibly liberating about that sort of honesty, especially in the first year of that blog. Now I write when I have to get a thought down. It's less urgent these days because I am living the life I want to be living.

I realize how much money doesn't matter, but happiness does. That does not mean that I want to be destitute.  But I don't want to be spiritually or emotionally bankrupt either. I had given everything away. I didn't know what riches I had, so I just gave them away. So actually four years ago, I was the poorest I had ever been. I know what real poverty looks like. To be spiritually gone is to have nothing. And I had nothing left. I had given everything away to my Ex because that's all I knew.

I used to want us to be friends. I used to want him and I to have an honest conversation, but I don't think he is capable of it. And if he is ever capable of it, he will find me. I will not seek it out because in some ways I was ready a few weeks after we broke up. I wasn't spiritually whole by any means, but I was ready to get rid of that old self. Now I don't need us to be friends. I don't need to be liked by him. I could give a rat's ass if he had anything nice to say about me. One of my favorite sayings is, "What people think of me is none of my business." And it's not.

I have been going through a period of unpopularity lately with certain people in my life. I take accountability and responsibility for hurting people when I have. But when I legitimately have not hurt someone, I am not in the business of apologizing to make them feel better. I am not into the business of selling myself out for that. I appreciate the love and the growth that those friends have brought into my life. I am grateful for the purpose that those friendships served. But certain relationships are only for a season of one's life. And I am getting much more certain in how I feel people out. I used to apologize up and down the block to people when I didn't want to just so that they would feel better. I didn't realize that they were shaming me and by apologizing, I was giving away my own power. Again, if I have done something wrong, I know it in my soul. And I will account for that. But if someone is bringing their grief to my table, I will push it aside and not digest it. That grief can get cold and moldy and stale and eventually go away. I am not taking on other's grief for the benefit of their ego.

I was watching Ali MacGraw on Super Soul Sunday a few days ago and she was talking about the joy of saying "No." Just a flat out No. Not an apology or a follow up or even a "No, thank you." But just no. And there is something powerful in saying No. A refusal to accept anything less than what you deserve. And we fall back on apologizing because just saying No or just telling people how you feel, warts and all, can be a lonely place. I even feel it in my relationship sometimes. But as my tarot cards said recently, my temperament is part of who I am. My ruthlessness. My cutting to the chase. I used to think that all of those behaviors were mean-spirited. They can be. But there's also something about cutting to the core of who you are and what you want that is extremely powerful. It's so powerful often that we run away from it. And I am no longer running away from getting to the essence of my being in its pure form. I don't need to cut it with anything, like an excuse. If I don't want something or I don't accept something, it is enough to not want it and not accept it.

That's something I couldn't do four years ago.  Four years ago, everything my boyfriend said to me or every insult he struck me with stuck with me. I couldn't shake the emotion. Every time we had a fight, I couldn't write to escape. I couldn't just put it out of my mind. I held onto it tightly and it made me deeply unhappy. It was an awful existence. And thank God I got out because now I know it would have killed me. Maybe not right away. Maybe not some sort of big blow out fight that would end in a knife stab or a gun shot. Maybe not a drug overdose. But if I continued to be unhappy, a cancer would grow inside of me, either actual or metaphorical. I had such a high threshold for pain that I stayed in it for way too long.

I don't like to stand that kind of pain for very long. I get rid of it right away. In fact, I don't get near it. My spiritual journey over the past four years has led me back to the person I am meant to be. I realize that I knew things for years that I didn't realize I knew. Then I gave myself away and started learning things I didn't need to know, except for the fact that by learning those things I saw the value in what I have always known. It's like living in CA growing up. I never appreciated how beautiful it is here until I moved to places with colder, wetter, snowier climates. Now I realize how lucky I am to live in CA for the weather and I notice it every day. Now I realize how lucky I am to have true happiness and certainty in myself that I will never take it for granted again.

I am grateful for every minute it took for me to learn every lesson I've ever learned.
I am grateful for peace of mind.
I am grateful for gratitude.
I am grateful for solitude.
I am grateful for my meditation practice.

Why Do I Always Cry in Meditation?

It's not like I get the boo hoos.  I don't start heaving and sobbing uncontrollably.

But my eyes water and get wet.  Usually, I attribute it to being tired in the morning.  But this morning, I had a deep meditation and tears were streaming down my face.  I don't feel sad.  I don't feel depressed or emotional.  But my eyes get wet and eventually there are tears.

Today the tears were flowing.  And I started asking myself why.  I think that meditation is my one time during the day where I completely release.  The work I have been doing has been emotional.  I'm transcribing an old play of mine that I didn't have in the proper format which is also about my family.  My body is just letting the emotions flow out.  It's a good thing.  It's natural, which is evidenced by the fact that the tears just flow without effort or emotion behind them.

Today's centering thought of my meditation was the following:

My Life Energy Organizes My Life Effortlessly

And today's meditation was about Activating Power.  I feel like this was the perfect meditation for me this morning.  I have become more familiar and used to my Power over the past year or so.  Before I used to give my Power up and let other people take the lead.  Or I used to let what other people said about me affect me negatively.  I needed that validation.  Now I am learning to let go of that need for validation and I am claiming my Power.  I am claiming the force it has, the effect it has on other people and my ability to harness it.  I have lived my life knowing I have Power within and being afraid of it.  I am not afraid of it any more.  I am excited by its great light.  I am honored to have this Power within me.  My tarot card reading said that having this Power, sharing this Power, and living this Power is a responsibility.  I am finally ready to fully take on the responsibility.  That is the only way truly life changing events can occur in my life.  If I run away from that responsibility, how can I reap the benefits that my Life Energy affords me.  It's all there.  It's like the equity in a home.  I can only benefit from it if I use it.

And this Power has been building equity ever since I was born.  I have used some of it from time to time, but I have built up enough that I can harness that Power and put it to work for me.

I find it interesting that my meditations regularly involve tears and vulnerability.  And that I have this Power that I am accessing.  Strength is Vulnerability.  I don't know how it could be any clearer.

I am taking today to just be.  I am drinking tea.  Writing this blog.  I will go shower shortly.  I am spending time quietly.  Maybe I'll meditate more before the day gets started.  Then I am taking the boyfriend to the airport.  And I think I might go to the spa and sit in quiet for awhile as well.

The Universe has been asking me to slow down since yesterday.  I woke up and went to go get gas at Costco.  I drove all the way from my friend's house in Laurel Canyon to Burbank.  Then the entire gas station was closed.  I remember thinking that it was a waste of time initially.  Then I decided to enjoy the drive, which was out of my way.  I still had to get gas, so I stopped at a gas station I know near my house.  It took me awhile to merge back into traffic and get to the gym to do a short workout.

I didn't realize it at the time, but the Universe was already telling me that this wasn't going to be the day I expected.  So I went to the office.  Dealt with some issues there.  Meditated about mentorship.  Got a phone call from a woman who might be a mentor for me according to my latest tarot reading.  Great sign of meditation in action.  Then when I felt like I wasn't getting any work done, my desk collapsed to let me know that work wasn't going to happen today.  I had to drive back to Burbank to the IKEA there to get my replacement parts for my desk that bent when the desk collapsed.  I live in Burbank and had to go there twice randomly that didn't involve me going home.  So maybe there's another message about focusing on my home life that the Universe was trying to send me as well.

So eventually I came back to my friend's house where I'm staying and just laid down.  I was exhausted from the day, but also exhausted from all the work I've been doing on this screenplay for five weeks straight.  I wasn't honoring my body by resting.  So I did that.  And I am going to continue to do that today.  I need to respect what my body is telling me.  It needs rest.  My mind needs rest.  I need to refill my tank and let inspiration come.  I need to be around friends, which I was able to do last night with my playwrights group.  I need to be embraced by people who care about me and understand me.

There are more battles ahead in this war, but for the time being, I need to rest and recoup.

I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for entertaining videos on You Tube.
I am grateful for food.
I am grateful for my meditation practice.
I am grateful for laughs.
I am grateful for time together with people I like and respect.