Keeping a Clear Path

Now that this path is clear and I've cleansed myself of the boyfriend, I have to remember to keep this path clear. What is the path? The path is a launch pad for a rocket ship which is my ascension into the sky that has no limit towards what I want to do with my life.

I have to remember a few key things:

• Don't call him.
• Don't offer him anything.
• Don't be kind. Be civil.
• Don't be a dick. But don't feel like I have to be the good guy.
• Don't reach out.
• Don't fall back.
• Don't get back together.
• Work more.
• Sleep more.
• Concentrate.
• Work on the intentions you made late last year.
• Be grateful.
• Talk to friends.
• Offer enough to them, but don't replace the need to take care of the boyfriend with the need to take care of my friends.
• Stand tall.
• Stand firm.
• Continue.

I have to keep this path clear, now that I've gotten rid of the clutter that wasn't allowing it to take off. I have been revving up this engine for quite some time and once the rocket ship takes off it will have a ton of momentum and energy to take it where it needs to go.

I don't have any obstructions any more. I am single. I don't have a relationship holding me back or keeping me down. I had less that I was worried about this time around. But now even that is gone and now the rocket is ready to launch. The most important thing I need to remember and the thing that all of these items add up to is:

Keep a clear path.

I am grateful for silence.

I am grateful for phone calls and text messages and emails from loved ones.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for good food.

I am grateful for my cleanse.

A Supportive Boyfriend

I've had a lot of time to think over the past five days. I have been nothing but a supportive boyfriend to the last two men I was in long term relationships with. Maybe I should have been less supportive. Because that's time away from the stuff I needed to focus on. For the first two years of our relationship specifically, I needed an escape from my father's illness. So I went to gigs. I hung out with him and his friends. We went away on weekends. We did a lot of stuff together. And I absolutely loved it. I have great memories of the camping trips and the drives. I felt like we were at our best when we were away from everything. When he was away from his drum set and I was away from my lap top.

But as things got busier for me, we drifted apart. I had been supportive of him, but now I needed to be supported in getting back to the work I needed to do. And I worked really hard. But the harder I worked, the more strain our relationship seemed to take on. I could tell he felt my absence when I wasn't going to gigs as much any more or when it was harder to make plans. But throughout all of that, his schedule never budged. Any time that we would spend together needed to be taken out of my time to do the things I needed to do. And last year cemented the deal. I had even less time for him than I had the year before. The time we had together I tried to make the most out of. But he already felt abandoned because I was applying for jobs out of town. I can understand that. But he would never hesitate to take a job if he needed to. And he wouldn't have discussed it with me.

So the less time I had for him, the less supportive he felt. Yes, it's true that The Drummer is a nicer guy on the surface than the Ex. But The Drummer is also passive aggressive and doesn't like confrontation. So he started pulling away and he started doing things that showed he had less interest. He started to tease me more in ways that had the sting of truth to them. But he was never direct. And when he was direct, he was angry. He didn't know how to separate the two.

Now that we've been out of this relationship for five days, I see all of the ways that I put him before myself. I tried to make it all work. The main thing I did this time around that I didn't do with The Ex is that I always made time for myself. Despite his objections to it. I know that put strain on us and that is eventually what led to the break up. But I couldn't let go of the things that I needed to do. And that paid off. Because I left the relationship with material to show for. When the Ex and I broke up, I didn't have that. I was committed to so many other things that I didn't have any time for myself to write and I was left having to start from scratch. I didn't have to start over this time. I just now have more time to do what I've been doing all along. And I'm capable of that.

I've cleared the path way. I've cleared the launching pad for my rocket ship to take off. I'm a good, supportive friend. I go out of my way for the people I love and respect. And that's usually returned in kind. My mother made an observation recently that The Drummer never felt comfortable in front of my friends. At my best friend's wedding, he stayed at the table hanging out with my mother while I was dancing and socializing with her family, to whom I'm like a brother and a son. He often remarked with different sets of friends who were cultured and social that he felt he was being judged. I didn't even notice that he didn't like my friends. But I went out of my way to get along with his friends and it was easy because they were all wonderful people. I didn't have to try hard. But neither did he because my friends are wonderful people. But he never got that. He kept finding places for himself to feel excluded and rejected because of his personal history. He'd hate that I was diagnosing him or that I was discussing it in a blog.

The good thing is that when I felt like he was trying to squash my personal dignity, I ignored him. But the bad thing is that I was in a relationship where someone was trying to make me feel bad about myself. It wasn't as bad as the last guy. But it was more subversive. And he definitely didn't think he was doing that. He sees himself as the good guy. It's vital to his sense of himself that he is the good guy. But we all have our dark sides and our blind spots. No one's the good guy all of the time.

Given what happened to me last time, I should have known better. But he's charming and he really is sweet. But his core wasn't so generous. Other people noticed this. Even when I don't have that much, I give. But he wouldn't. And it's not about money, but it's about time and thoughtfulness. Even when he would pick up the bill, I could tell that it was killing him. Like the night we broke up. He picked up the check, but he did so reluctantly and like he was doing me a favor.

I still love him. That's going to take awhile to go away. But he wasn't a supportive boyfriend. It pains me to say that and to even think it. But he was not a supportive boyfriend. When he needed things, I was there and I didn't ask. But when I needed things, it was different. He'd say that he helped put a roof over my head. But he held that over my head and never let me forget it. He also never acknowledged or thanked me when I did things for him. On the other hand, that's what I get for depending on someone so much. That's completely on me. I can't let him take the fall for that.

I wanted kind. I got sweet. That's better than bitter, angry and verbally abusive. But it's still not enough.

I am grateful for what I know now.
I am grateful for the love we had.
I am grateful for the friends in my life who have come out for me.
I am grateful for support that continues to show up.
I am grateful for friends who know the person I am.

Meditate, Meditate, Meditate, Meditate

The word meditate came up four times yesterday.

1) I have been thinking about meditation for the past several months.  I have been closing my eyes in the morning and getting to a quiet place.  That usually results in me falling asleep.  I have also been driving with the sound off in my car for years.  I have been carving out quiet and alone time for myself as well.  Going to the spa.  Going to the gym.  Not talking to my boyfriend when I come home.  But I haven't quite made it to meditation.  I've taken out two books from the library: How to Practice by the Dalai Lama and Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness and Creativity by David Lynch.  I have had the Dalai Lama book for 3 months.  I've picked it up, read it, been confused by it.  I've checked it out three times in a row.  Then I checked out the David Lynch book.  I thought that was going to be a book that would tell me how to meditate.  It was not.  It was a great book that extolled the benefits of meditation.  But it had nothing in terms of instruction.  It was just, "Meditation is great.  You should do it.  This one time, when we were shooting Dune…."  But I read it three times because it was so easy to read and it did feel comforting and it was related to how mediation affected his work.  It was more of a pep talk in preparation to mediate.  And for that, it was good.

2) My best friend Alanna responded to an email in which I requested some help working out some characters for a new pilot I'm writing.  "I'll meditate on it."  I thought that was an interesting choice of words, given my preoccupation with mediating.

3) My friend Jenn and I met up yesterday to talk about a play that she wrote and wanted my feedback on.  Somehow we got on the topic of meditation and she mentioned to me a bunch of meditation apps that she uses and sent me some resources.

4) My friend Susan and I were talking yesterday about writing and family and other issues going on when she mentioned that she had started meditating again.

So it's in the air.  I literally had it come in from four separate sources yesterday.  Meditating is an important thing for me to do.  I need to calm myself and center my mind.  I have been thinking about it forever and it seems like the Universe is telling me it's time to get to it.

I need to find a quiet space.  And maybe try out those meditation apps tonight.

I am grateful for the acknowledgement that my journey has been a good one.
I am grateful that I have friends who are talking about meditating.
I am grateful for my ability to listen to the Universe when it's speaking.
I am grateful for my upcoming trip to Portland.
I am grateful that I can see how everything that has happened in my life has lead me here.
I am grateful that I have come a long way.
I am grateful that I can finally see how long that way has been and that I can appreciate it.

Pulling Back

It's struggle…saying no.

It always has been.  I like doing things.  It's a distraction, not working on my own stuff to help out other people.  And sometimes it's a welcome distraction.  Playwriting is hard.

So I like to occupy my time and my personal space with other people's stuff.  But then what happens?  There's no room for my stuff.

My friend Dave told me that I need to do something whenever I feel like I need to give an opinion or to control or to boss around.

Don't.

Yeah, that was the elaborate advice.  But it's the most succinct and impactful.

JUST DON'T IT.
JUST DON'T.

I'm grateful for Dave.
I'm grateful for letting go.
I'm grateful for new ways of seeing my life.
I'm grateful for growth.

What I am Grateful For

I'm lucky.

I have love in my life.
My best friend Alanna thinks my new play is amazing and that it represents something new for me.
My boyfriend accepts me and thinks I'm worth it, despite me being bossy and demanding.
I have kindness and understanding in my life.
My friend Susan does my tarot cards and helps me figure out where the work needs to be done.
I have a niece that lights up whenever we're together or on Skype or on the phone.
I have a nephew who loves playing with me.
I make them laugh.
I make all of my friends laugh.
I lost 15 pounds last year.
I have a roof over my head.
And money in my pocket.
I am a talented writer.
I graduated from NYU on a full scholarship.
I studied with Erik Ehn as my very first playwriting professor.
I have had people in my life who believe in me, including (but not limited to):
Erik Ehn
Arthur Kopit
Martin Epstein
Richard Wesley
Len Jenkin
Wendy Wasserstein
Tina Howe
Carolyn Silberman
David Popalisky
Ken Hanes
Craig Grella
Caitlin Foito
Jen Berman
I have a large and growing number of students who have enriched my life and who I have touched.
I have a big heart.
I have good hair.
I have real ability, writing talent.
I can cook my ass off.
I took care of my father when he was dying and when he died we didn't have any unresolved issues.
I am grateful for the time taking care of him.
I am grateful for going to bed with the same man every night who holds me and who I hold.
I am respected.
I am cared for.
I am well regarded.
I have a computer that I go to every day and write on.
I am grateful for words, for intentions and for epiphanies.
I am learning great things about myself every day.
I am grateful that I have let the past three years be my teacher and that I continue to let time teach me the things I need to live a great, big, boundless life.

Tarot Card Reading: Honor Thy Error

A few nights ago, Susan did another Tarot Card reading for me because I really was feeling like I needed guidance.  I've been trying to do this reading for a couple of weeks and there's definitely a sense of desperation to needing a new reading.  It's the end of the year and I realized that my last tarot reading was four months ago. I was hoping that some things had moved around and some things have.  But much of the reading reflected what she said last time.  Although NOW, I have some insight on what she was talking about before.

http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/twist-spine.html

This was the last reading that took place at the end of August.  I realize that I had some hesitation about my relationship back then, which is a bit more pronounced now.  I didn't know that I had such strong concerns back then.  I think The Drummer was on tour, so maybe that's why I was feeling anxious.  But she also spoke about a new working relationship and traveling for work.  At the time, we thought it had to do with Alanna.  But now that I'm looking at the developments of the past two weeks, I realize that it has to do with an opportunity for me at Portland State, which might bring something else into fruition soon.  It involves a new job (possibly) and travel.  But there could also be a lot of travel in my future.  The cards encouraged me to put myself out there and to seek out new opportunities and to take a risk.  I have been applying to a lot of teaching jobs and also play development opportunities.  So I feel like I have been doing that.  But based on the more recent reading, there's a lot more work to be done.

If I thought the last reading was intense, this took things about forty steps deeper.

Again, Susan and I picked from her deck of personalized intention cards that were made for her.  I had a run in with the Ex via email the day before that really was on my mind.  Even though I wanted this reading to be about work, my energy was too strong in the personal sector of my life.  And this reading leaned toward relationship more than the previous two she had done.  So I chose a card:

HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION

What the hell does that mean?  The message must be huge because I couldn't digest it right away.  And as I discovered with the last reading, the card I pulled (TWIST THE SPINE) kept having reverberations the more that time went on.  But what I could come up with in the immediate was that the things I think are mistakes are not.  It also goes along with the idea that I keep painting things as negative that aren't.  Most of my cards continue to be inverted because I'm blocked. Because I have still so many negative beliefs.  Because I'm not honoring my error.  I'm not acknowledging that the things I think are holding me back are revealing what I really want.  They aren't necessarily the things I want, but I'm not in the place I want to be purely because I have put myself there.  And I don't need to be in a bad space.  I have everything I want.  I am talented and smart and there's no reason I shouldn't be picking and choosing the opportunities and jobs I want and theaters I want to work with and TV shows I want to work on and have them materialize.  My desire is as strong as my belief that I don't deserve it.  And my belief that I don't deserve it needs to take a back seat.  I still believe that I need the negative thought to push myself and I don't.  I need to be released from that.  It might be time for another cleanse.

As Susan and I tried to figure that out, we decided to start the reading.  I cut the cards.  They were not jumping out of her hands this time.  I think that's because they were heavy with thought.  Too weighed down to hop around.  And I had a certainty that I wanted to know what they had to say.

The Hanged One (Where I Am Now): I got the Hanged One last time in regards to the lesson of the cycle I am in.  Well, now it has moved from the theme of my cycle to directly where I am.  I am in the throes of figuring out where I am not.  And the Hanged One is telling me desperately that I need to let go of my negative perception.  I am confused about my new direction.  I am mostly letting go of the choke hold my Hollywood dreams have on me, which is why there has been some movement.  But while before I was trying to move through concrete, right now I am trying to move through quicksand.  I am in search of a deeper meaning and a purpose in my life but I am still fixed on a rigid idea I have of myself.  I don't think I am smart enough to be a University professor or a TV writer or a leader.  If I don't get over that, I risk everything because right now it is still alive and waiting for me.  It is full and ripe.  I need to release ideas and associations that are obsolete.  I think these ideas and associations have to do with how I think people perceive me.  But there is still no immediate word.  And I am tired of waiting.  In order to turn my life around, I have to let go of negative beliefs and the feeling for this is VERY STRONG.  I am in the middle of my metamorphosis and it is rough.  But change is disruptive, and it truly redefines and repositions everything around it.  But the only way for things to be different is for this extreme change.  It started with my break up three years ago, continued with my Dad's illness and death and now the agents of change are focused directly on my next steps.

Other interpretation: You are at a crossroads with only one way out: yes or no.  If you want to do something to change things, but have no idea how to do it, let it go, relax and look at ways to let go of control.  Work: Don't take the slow wheels of change personally.  Things will change.  You need to let go of a vision of a certain type of relationship as the only way you can be happy.  It is crucial to let go of any negative, self limiting beliefs.

Seven of Discs (Atmosphere): I need to take stock.  I shouldn't be tempted to rest on my laurels, but I should push forward.  I need to take a cue from synchronicity.  I need to re-evaluate my goals.  I also need to be buoyed by past success to charge into the future.  I need to remember that I'm the guy who moved from Portland to NYC with $800 bucks in my pocket and nothing else, not even a place to stay for very long.  I made major things happen before and I can again.  Even despite being forty.  I may not be as long as I used to be, but as I've proven, my focus is stronger.  I need to remember that day in dance class back in October.  I only have to operate as myself and take what I need.  I don't need to compare myself to other people or to their journeys.  The cards also said that I may opt for an extended leave or a long vacation.  That is also tied into what might be happening with Portland, Atlanta, Iowa, Miami, Berkeley, Boston, and all of these residencies and jobs I'm applying for.

Other interpretation: Return on investments.  You will be reaping what you have sown.  Excellent omen for finances.

Six of Lovers (What I'm Supposed to Be Learning This Month - lesson of the cycle): This is where it became clear that it wasn't about work.  I have choices to make.  The choice is between security and risk.  And this is a blessing in disguise.  I need to do with what feels right.  It's decision time.  It also says there's an extramarital affair - not sure if this is on my end or the boyfriend's end.  But there is a lot of duality, things appearing one way and actually being another.  Associated with Gemini.  Okay, so that's scary.

Other interpretation: If you are feeling ambivalent, follow your heart.  Choose love over fear.  Be cautious about mixing business with romance.  Bring back LOVE into your life.  Re-bond in your current relationship.  Partnership in health, work, love and spirituality.  You need a guide, a mentor.

Daughter of Swords (Foundation Card - root, the subconscious, my core beliefs): I have an active, curious mind.  Maybe people I'm involved with don't take me seriously.  I'm outspoken, but still not taken seriously.  I should be open to exploring other ideas.  I need to stop proving my point.  And when this card is paired with the Two of Cups (it is), it refers to marriage.  That confused me because it says that my relationship is iffy, but I might be heading towards marriage.  Although, if I am looking at this from a work perspective, I might be ready to enter into a professional relationship as well.  But am I breaking up with my boyfriend to do that?

Other interpretation: I may be pushing too hard or stepping on other people's toes.  I need to step back.    As far as work, I need to be humble in interviews yet not put myself down.  With love, I need to know when to push and when to lay back.  I need to give my partner space.  Finances: Don't assume you know more than you do.  Don't take on more than you can.  Ask for help.  Health: Don't over do it.  Rest and silence helps.  Take it easy.  Spirituality: If you think your mind is already open, go further.  

Two of Cups (Inverted - last few weeks): There might be problems in the relationship.  We've not spending enough time with each other and there's no appreciation of each other's friends or family.  I need to be clear about what I want and need from life before I can move forward.  Nothing can change the way I want it to until this is resolved.  There might be sexual problems.  And I might be playing out an old relationship (just received an email meant for the Ex and then forwarded it to him and engaged in a conversation - the first one in years).  Doing work in this relationship is work that needs to be done from past lives.

Other interpretation:  The card speaks of friendship, romance, joy and sharing.  Mainly about romantic relationships, but not always.  In regards to work, I may like working a lot less, which is true of the past two weeks because I just finished a project and then went to Portland to hang out with my brother and his family.  Trying to have some balance and reach out to my family.  In terms of Love, if I am getting this card while there are problems, I might need to forgive and forget and start fresh.  Don't carry grudges.  In terms of Health, I might need to reach out for help, which means I need healing.  In terms of Spirituality, this card is connected to the Heart Chakra and I need to find my bliss and connect to it.  No one can do that for me.  I liked this reading of the cards much better.  Ha.

Priestess of Disks (inverted - How I move though the world): It's a Motherhood card.  I need to shower my creations with love.  I am an efficient, practical go-getter.  I seek practical, tangible solutions.  My family is seeking guidance.  I don't give myself credit for past accomplishments, therefore no one else is either.  I am ambivalent about my relationship.  All of those things are true.  I am getting better about giving myself credit for my past accomplishments, but if I don't get that straight no one will give me credit.  One way I can give myself credit is when I'm interviewing for these jobs and talking about the programs I've set up and what I've accomplished.  I need to reiterate and reinforce my power and my accomplishments.  I need to nurture myself.  I need to shower myself with love, as well as my creations.  This is the card that reminds me that in order to merge my self with other people's perceptions of me, I need to focus on the lessons of this card.  This card is the bridge.

The other interpretation mentioned that there is a dark haired lady who is likely to play an important role in my life in some way.  That could be the woman I've met up at PSU.  And I need to express my accomplishments to her, among other people, so she can see it and then so other people can see it.  But if today's turn of events are any indication, I've started doing that.  I need to do it more.

Four of Cups (Next Couple Weeks): I will be going through old emotions.  There is ambivalence and apathy and disconnection.  I need to recognize that depression might be more than a passing mood.  I need to talk through my issues.  I need to get specific about what I want.  And I need to take action.  This also goes to the core of what is holding me back.  As I look at these cards with a few days distance, I see that the tools are right in front of me.  I just need to pick them up and use them correctly and with skill and determination.

From the other interpretation: Focus on the now, not what will be. Create a gratitude journal.  Count your blessings (this goes back to acknowledging my accomplishments).  Focus on what you do have, not what you lack in terms of finances.  Be specific, make goals and plans.  If I think of my accomplishments as things I am grateful for, focusing on my accomplishments might be easier to do.

Shaman of Wands (inverted - Self Concept, How I feel about myself): Entrepreneur.  Self starter.  Uses full potential.  Relentless drive and energy.  Don't cut yourself off emotionally from those closest to you.  Self reliant and confident.  The fact that it's inverted means that I am not seeing these things which are true, which means that no one can see them either.  The cards are talking to each other.

The other interpretation says that there is an older man who will be important to me.  And this card in general refers to helpful men.  In terms of spirituality, it says I am well on my way as indicated by the card. But that joy and plenty can be spiritual experiences as much as denial and austerity can be.  And they're a lot more fun.  So I should relax a little and maybe the spiritual growth will happen faster.  Also to let go of this idea that I have to deny myself in order to have more spirituality.

Seven of Wands (Hope and Fear Card): Assertive.  This is the Writer's Card.  It also refers to teaching, lecturing and composing.  Self-employment.  I need to tie up my loose ends with my past and get on with it.  Take the plunge!  Strike out on your own.  Romance is stifled.  There are rivals for the affection of the one I like.  I could be putting more energy into being on my own.  I am living in fear of living on my own. But again, I need to remember that I've done it before and I can do it again.

Other interpretation: I will come out on top.  Things will be going well. Feel the fear, but do it anyway!  Don't hesitate to make clear where you stand with people.  Your thinking is clear.  And you're likely to help someone out by spelling things out for them.  This card can indicate that a positive change is coming in your business life or personal life.  This card points towards being independent: be self-employed if you've thought about it.  Be logical however, if you can be self-employed while being employed somewhere else, do so.  I'm definitely thinking about some new ways of teaching the art of dramatic writing and this might be where I am headed. But I also feel that being employed at Universities will help give me some cachet and experience.    In terms of Love, speak your mind respectfully.  Finances: expect an increase.  Spirituality: By facing your fears and turning them into your advantages, you grow even stronger and ready to face the next obstacle in your path (HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION).  Indeed, there can be no courage without fear to inspire it.    That fear does not need to be your master anymore. Whatever your clear desires are, go for them.  Cast your fears aside and go for it!

Two of Wands (Home): Success is imminent.  Moving in the right direction.  Investment in time, ideas and money will pay off.  What is the dream that we both share that we can work on together?

Other interpretation: If you feel things are out of balance, they are about to get substantially better.  Remain positive.  Keep your eye on the prize.  If you are looking for employment, you are about to find the right fit.  You're more together and balanced that you realize, work wise.  You're about to fit things together in new or unusual ways.  Love: Things are about to get more equal. You will be surprised at how you are able to improve your financial situation.  Take time to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally.  That way you'll be able to help others.

Priestess of Cups (Steps Coming Up): Nurturer.  World centers around children.  Dreams are a vital source of information.

Other interpretation: Treat yourself with love and respect.  Work: literally a woman who will be helpful to you.  Financial: Creativity.  Reach out to people for the help you need.  Spirituality: increase in being in touch with clairvoyant tendencies.  Be open to the magical energy of life and the love flowing around you.  In regards to health: forgive and send love to your body.

Five of Wands (Argument Card): Sexual competition.  Work interfering with relationship.  Headed contest: stand your ground.  Don't settle for less.

Other interpretation: Competition, usually in the work area.  Don't be afraid of competing.  Know that you have something to offer and can be successful.  Your need to believe in yourself is stronger than ever now.   You may be thinking of making a career change.  You can do it.  Work: Compete well, but play fair.  Know that you are capable.  Love: the person you love may be pursued by several people.  Know that you have done everything you can for this relationship where you heart is involved.   Financially: Do what you can.  You can't do it all now, but you will soon.  Money is coming, within the next few weeks.  Spirituality: It's hard to grow spiritually if you're a chicken with you head cut off.  Take time to rest, do nothing.  Create space for yourself to be quiet and listen to the music of the spheres.

Death (the end of a cycle): Transitions.  Permanent change.  Transformation.  Rebirth.  Revitalizing force.  Change is required: it will happen regardless of whether you work on it or not.  You're afraid of the future.  Superficial change is not enough.  Metamorphosis awakens you to your immortality.

Other interpretation: Transition and change.  A time of deep transformation, inwardly and outwardly.  Often what you need to let go of is a self-limiting belief or attitude.  Don't try to control this change, just go with it.  This time is about change or destruction followed by renewal.  Love: You might be frustrated by something not working out.  Have a frank and honest conversation and if you or he are unable to change, then it might be time to let it go.  Don't beat your head against a wall for very long.

By the end of the reading, I was freaked out and embraced for the worst.  Now I am not so much.  I want to meet this time of great change, which means great growth.  I felt like that when I broke up with my Ex.  Everything turned upside down, but everything changed for the better.  And if I can survive that, I can surf through this.  I can ride the wave and let it take me to the heights of where I need to be.  Don't be afraid of the power of change, let it take you far out to where you need to go.  This is an area where I can reflect on my past accomplishments and take stock that I can do it again.

Twist the Spine

Another tarot card reading.  I have to say that it's pretty splendid that my friend Susan does these readings with me.  It's incredibly generous and wonderful.  I'm really lucky to have a friend that wants to open up these doors for me.

I had an incredible amount of energy and openness going into this reading.  And from what came out of it, I can see that it had an effect.

Susan had me first pick out a card from a deck of cards a friend made for her.  My card read:

TWIST THE SPINE

We looked at each other, trying to figure out what that could possibly mean.  It certainly means to turn around and look at what's happening around you.  It means that not everything can be seen from one vantage point.  But I also think it means that my spine is my alignment and my foundation and although I shouldn't break my back, I should twist my perspective.  More on this as the reading continues.

I had to cut the cards a few times because the cards kept jumping out of Susan's hands.  Or I would cut and it would be a cut where more cards would fall out.  The cards were definitely jumping at the chance to speak.  They had a lot to say.  And it was all right on.

5 of Wands (where I am): this card said that others want what I have, they want to be where I am.  It also says that my boyfriend and I don't feel like we have enough time together to connect because of work.  I definitely feel this way, in terms of not having enough time with my boyfriend.  I feel like we aren't totally connected right now because we're both working hard.  He's working on his music and I'm working on my writing and we're trying to be focused on that.  But we aren't making time for one another.  And I didn't immediately feel that others want what I have.  I have been dealing with a lot of jealousy lately, so I kind of feel the opposite.  But this is another card that is letting me know what my experience of what things are isn't what they are.  I don't get that I'm in a coveted position of being someone who has actually made traction in Hollywood.  I'm always the person who feels like a failure. This card is a reminder that others want what I have and I need to be protective of my position.  And I do have a position.

Page (Daughter) of Cups (atmosphere): I'm at the right place at the right time.  There are new ideas around me.  Not much to say about this.  I like it.  And I do have that sense that I'm exactly where I should be and based on my last reading, I'm trying to do things in new ways.  I'm trying to change the patterns in my life.  NOTE: Aspects of this reading are the same as the last one, which means I'm still working things through.

Hanged Man (lesson of the cycle I'm in): I need to change my perception of the way things are and let go of negative beliefs.  At this point in the reading, I know that's true.  But I don't know what those negative beliefs are.  I feel like I'm positively trying to move forward.  I agree with what's being said, so I decide to keep listening.

Justice (foundation card): I have a sense of fairness.  I'm weighing all of the factors.  My role is to keep harmony in the family.  But what happens when you give that up?  Even though you want life to be fair, it isn't fair and I don't need to bear the burden of trying to make it that way.  This is in regards to both my Mom and my boyfriend, who are the same person.  This is where it got deep.  This card is about deep seated beliefs that I hold.  It's about my deep past, not just about certain beliefs I have.  But this is fundamental stuff.  And this is the point in the reading where we really took time to talk.  Just as I said one card ago that I didn't know what the negative beliefs in my life are that are holding me back...this is where it gets clear.  I do believe it's my role in the family to correct everyone's wrongs and make sure that things work out for them.  I have guilt about so many things working out well for me for a large portion of my life that I am trying to reset everyone else.  But as Susan reminded me, I spend so much time trying to correct everyone else and make things fair for them, that I don't have any time for myself.  I can't change my mom or my boyfriend for that matter. I can't make things right for them.  I can only do that for myself.  My mom will never change.  She's incapable of it.  But I can still evolve and grow.  Somehow I got in my head that if I fix things for her, that will affect me in a positive way.  My brother even said it recently.  If we get mom's finances together, then we won't have to take care of her when we get old.  But Susan went even deeper.  We're like siamese twins who need to separate, but we keep sharing the same body, so when she takes bad things into her body, it affects me and vise versa.  So I need to stop trying to fix my Mom.  I need to work on the things I can change in my own life.  The same goes for my boyfriend and for his relationship to his parents and his radio show.  I need to stop trying to make everything perfect for him so that there's harmony.  Sometimes there is discord and that is fine.  Everything does not need to be balanced and fair.  And who am I to change that for someone else.  This card got crazy deep and I had to take a few deep breaths because just as my Mom might not be capable of change, that might be true of my boyfriend.  The cards weren't telling me to end things or even suggesting that, but it confirmed certain feelings I've had lately.  Going deeper...

9 of Disks (last two weeks):  Thought one: I am my own best friend.  Thought two: there's a new partnership which is going to prove to be fruitful.  I'm writing some sketches with my best friend and things are turning out beautifully.  There's something to this new working relationship.  Susan liked the whole "You are your own best friend" aspect.  So do I.  What does it mean to be my own best friend?  I'm the one who is going to take the best care of myself.  So I need to be good to myself because that's what a  best friend would do.  Patience.  Kindness.  Tough love when needed.  And even though I'm writing with my best friend, I need to remember that ultimately...I am my own best friend.

6 of Wands (personality/how you are in the world): Victory.  You need to have a twist, a change of thought.  I think this card might have been inverted.  There was a lot of this in the cards. Feelings of being blocked and held back.  But the victory is there.  Everything is there for me. I just need to stop the negative thoughts and actively pursue positive thinking.  I just had a thought.  I've been reading Robert Altman's oral biography for a play I'm writing.  And everyone keeps saying that he was so positive that he constantly made people feel like they could do anything.  I need to do this for myself.  One of the cards indicated an older male influence.  It might be Bob Altman from the dead.  I love that. 

2 of Swords (next two weeks): I will reach a literal fork in the road.  I'm at a crossroads.  Yep.  I feel that.  And I've feared that was coming.

5 of Disks (how you feel about yourself): You've reached an impass.  You're freelancing.  You're unemployed and there's a lot of self doubt.  You aren't really suffering, but you are accustomed to feeling like you are.  Wow this one kind of hit me hard too.  I am accustomed to feeling like I'm suffering.  And part of me right now knows that I'm not. But part of me is continuing down that negative path of pushing myself into negative thoughts so I can feel great when things work out.  That's a negative way of thinking.  I'm only blocked because I tell myself I'm blocked.  Susan noticed that there aren't any actions I need to do differently.  It's all mindset.  And it is as easy as I choose it to be.

Emperor (hope and fear card): This is a card in the major arcana.  So the hopes and fears that are acknowledged in this card are real and not imagined.  Sense of order.  Something to do with bosses, fathers, government, authority.  There's an authority figure that's important here.  I need to organize my cluster of root beliefs into my consciousness.  Visualize.  Put work plans into action.  My organizational actions will be recognized by an older man.  NEW YORK also flashed into Susan's head.  When she said New York, I got chills.  I always have a feeling that New York is still with me.  Susan felt like someone was speaking through her.   I had talked before the reading began that I was thinking of seeing a psychic to try to communicate with my Dad.  So when she said New York, I thought that maybe he was there to acknowledge that New York was where I always seemed most like myself.  And he knew that.  I'm taking this to mean that I have real concerns about whether or not things are going to happen for me.  And that's real.  But I need to put my thoughts and actions into real practice so that those efforts will go noticed by someone with real authority to affect change in my life.  Whatever this card is about seems very strong.

4 of Swords (home): This card was also inverted.  Taking a time out.  It's the card of incarceration.  So I'm feeling trapped and imprisoned by something.  I need to take time to convalesce.  The fact that it's inverted means that I'm not acknowledging my isolation.  It's true.  I'm feeling distant from my relationship and I refuse to acknowledge it.  I don't really have a place that's truly my own right now.  I need to have peace and home within myself.  And I need to recognize my isolation and confront it.

9 of Swords (next few weeks): I will have worry and anxiety.  Fears run rampant.  There is mutual anguish.  But it's not as bad as I think.  I need to meet the shadows of my problems head on.  This sounds dark.  But I need to do it.  Go through the black forest to get to the other side.  It's weighing heavily on me.  All of these fears that I have about my relationship and being isolated I need to confront.

2 of Wands (next step): There's a working partnership.  There is travel connected with work.  Susan thinks this is connected to my work with Alanna.  She's going to be in Austin for a few weeks and we're supposed to Skype to work on this project together.  But Susan thinks that maybe I should try and see if Alanna will bring me out to Austin to work with her.  Interestingly enough, I've always wanted to be there.  And the Rude Mechs, who I love, work there.  I could maybe go check out there work space.  Working on sketches with Alanna in Austin.  I want that.

Ace of Disks (birth of something new): There will be positive rewards for hard work.  Material gain.  Prosperity.  Don't be afraid to initiate a plan that seems risky.  Something new arises.  Career change.  New Job.  Right place at the right time.  This now seems eerie.  The right place/right time thing comes up again as it did with the Page of Cups in regards to my atmosphere.  Don't be afraid to initiate a plan that seems risky feels like the Alanna thing again.  Could there be something for me in this travel? On this trip?  Work opportunities in Austin?

High Priestess: (indicates the end of a cycle - in a big way) Something in my life is hidden.  Trust my intuition.  My detachment about romance allows me to focus energy elsewhere.  What could be hidden could do with my relationship.  I need to trust myself.  And because I can compartmentalize, I am able to focus my energy in places that are productive.  

It was an intense reading all around.  Much more intense than my last one.  Susan and I were both exhausted.  We both felt like last time it spoke of everything being stuck, stalled, in limbo, on hold.  There's a lot of this here as well.  But there are indications that the foundation is starting to shift a bit.  TWIST THE SPINE.  Meaning, there is a twist in the spine, in my foundation.  I no longer have to be so rigid, so fixed.  And I'm a pretty rigid person in general.  I need to start twisting.  And coincidentally, I have physically been twisting my spine a lot lately.  Literally.  A clear message is there ever was one.

I'm not just going to look at things exactly the way I have been.  And I can't if I want to grow.  I will continue to be stuck until I decided to be unstuck.  The only thing standing in my way is me.  That's the ONLY thing.  No one, no thing, no situation.  It all rests on me.  I have been stuck all this time because of me and I will continue to be because of me.  But most importantly, I can set myself free.  I have that control and that ability.  And that responsibility.

Life Review: Shared Experiences

When Jane Fonda was on OPRAH a few months ago (for the "FAREWELLLLL SEASONNNNNNN!!!!) she talked about doing a "life review." I think she did hers after she divorced Ted Turner. She did it around 60. At the time I saw the show, I thought it was a good idea, but I figured there would be a great milestone where it would make the most sense to do it. And since I don't have a big birthday coming up any time soon, I'd just have to wait.

But the universe had other ideas. So here I am, 39 days into my breakup, and at the beginning of what's become a life review: this blog. It's a time to assess the choices I've made. To break patterns. To renew. And it's been helpful. And this life review is starting to have affect in the rest of my life. Friends are reading this blog and coming forth with their own stories. And they're actually taking part in my life review because there are experiences that will trigger a new thought.

Like yesterday, I had lunch with my friend and she said something about having to start all over. She didn't have any friends after she broke up with her guy (she's now happily married - so there's hope). And the people who reached out to her were people who just knew her casually - work associates and acquaintances. But those are the people who have become her closest friends. She literally rebuilt her life from scratch. It's like she cleared away all the dead leaves and made way for new life.

I love that. And I love that she shared that with me. It's really helping.

I'm having a FB chat with a friend (who will remain nameless because he just mentioned to me how hard it would be if he went on a date with someone and the review of the date appeared on my blog). He's someone I knew in NYC and always adored. I think I even had a crush on him once and we might have fooled around. But he just commented on something I shared with him about dating. He said it was a healthy outlook. And I remarked that it was a kind of health that I've fought really hard for. I didn't come out of my mama's coochie this smart. Trust me.

He had remarked that he felt really comfortable being alone. And I shared with him that I had made a decision before I dated my ex. I was going out on these dates with guys - and this felt really typical of LA, but I'm sure it's typical of anywhere - guys would put up with the most ridiculous shit just to get laid. It's the whole "he's just not get into you" vibe. Guys would go out on dates just not to be lonely. And it's not like they were presenting much criteria up front. I went out on a date with a guy who was SO BORING, my cock wasn't even hard when we were laying in bed together. He had this weird body. It's what we now call "skinny fat." He looked thin, but had NO MUSCLE TONE WHATSOEVER. It's creepy. It doesn't feel good and it makes them feel like some sort of amorphous blob. But he just didn't have anything to say. We watched "The Mirror Has Two Faces" at his condo in Orange County (which might be the other problem, although I have had great fortune in the OC). And I completely stopped paying attention to him. He'd say something like, "I love Barbra's hair in this scene." And I'd say something like, "Oh, no I'm not hungry." And I thought: WHAT AM I DOING? This is a total waste of time. IN the amount of time I've been hanging out with this body snatcher, I could have worked out at the gym, done some window shopping at South Coast Plaza, jacked off a couple of times, caught up with some friends on the phone in NYC, and made a bolognaise. That's probably exactly what I was thinking when I said, "Oh, no I'm not hungry."

So here's the wisdom:

I don't want to date any more just to have companionship of any kind. If I was going to go out and get laid, then that was going to be it. Of course, I would always be protected and safe. But if I wanted to fuck, then that's all it was going to be.

If I wanted companionship, I had friends.

But if I met someone and we clicked, then I'd meet him for a drink or brunch. And if it didn't work out, then I still had my friends and fuck buddies.

I didn't ask one relationship to be something that it's not.

But it's difficult. Because most of us are afraid of being alone. And even though we wouldn't be alone if we had fulfillment on a solo level, the IDEA of JUST ONE instead of PLUS ONE is scary. That's what keeps us dating the skinny fat guys from the OC.

So if I could say something to my dear friend, who I am so glad I'm back in touch with because I still think he's cute, I would say this: You live in the best city in the world. And like my favorite fictional iconic New Yorker Carrie Bradshaw says, "You're never alone. The city is your date." But it has the best looking guys in the world and the best cunning linguists. The Apple has great places that are inexpensive to run into people. It's a great place to run in and to run into people in. You're smarter, cuter, and wiser because you live there. The city has made you a catch. Now you just have to decide if you want to get caught.

Or move to Boston.

Hotness is On My List

My friend Susan and I have started running again. We used to run every Saturday for over a year. Then we stopped, probably something to do with my relationship.

But now every Sunday, I drive to Santa Monica and we run along the beach.

So our normal Bagel Nosh was totally slammed this morning. So we went to Snug Harbor for a little breakfast. And when we were having coffee, waiting for our food to come, a group of attractive guys walk in with a female friend of theirs. I didn't think anything of it, cute. whatever.

Then Susan tells me that one of the guys is checking me out. I'm in complete disbelief.

"Which one?" I ask.

"The one who walked in first."

I turn around and see this stunning guy. He's probably around 6'2", in shape, blue eyes, brown hair. Straight acting.

I turn back around. "That guy? Are you sure he wasn't looking at YOU?"

She was sure.

"Suze, let me tell yous something. Guys like that don't want guys like me. They want the washboard abs. The big pecs. Listen, I'll be totally honest about myself. I give good face. I'm in shape, but I'm not ripped. That guy wants ripped. I can let one rip. But I'm not ripped."

She laughs.

"See, I'm funny. And quick witted and clever. But that guy wants the washboard."

"He just looked again. He keeps looking over here."

To be honest, I didn't believe her. I thought that this adorable guy who looks a little like Jake Gyllenhall wasn't going for little ol mixed race me. And where did I get this terrible self-esteem? I grew up in LA and I knew that LA guys liked the body. Even the fat ones think they deserve to date the body. That's why they make a lot of money and become really successful. That's the other reason. The main reason is that they like to eat. And then they spend money on guys. Either purchasing or winning their affections. In NYC, guys loved my mind.

I didn't even think I'd meet anyone out here when I moved back to LA. I figured I'd get my career going and move back to New York and meet a real guy. And then I met my ex and he changed all of that. But even my ex didn't have the perfect body. I always said that didn't matter to me. That it's about the intellect and the ambition and the humor and the background. I had all of that with my ex. I had the Catholic thing. I had bigger than life personality and the excitement. That's until the excitement got too exciting.

So later I'm talking to Susan and her husband about this whole scenario. And her husband asked me what I valued in a relationship. I gave him my list: brains, wit, sarcasm, emotionally available, caring, fun. The same things I've always valued. And everything I got with my ex. But I always felt like I settled for guys who were handsome to me. But I'd never think of dating a person who was hot. And it's not that I want to give up everything else just to date a hot dude. I don't want a narcissist. But someone who values themselves enough to take care of themselves. I think THAT'S about character. But I want everything else too. I'm just adding hotness to the list.

So what happened to the guy? He drove away in his black Prius with his friends. But I do know now that, according to Susan:

"That guy is exactly the caliber of guy that you could get."

So I did something totally trashy. And totally me. I put an ad on Craig's List "Missed Connections."

I know he won't find me. Because a guy that's as cute and cool as i think he is, probably won't be checking Craig's List. But I am, so maybe...

And at least now I know that I deserve that. But in order to get hot, I need to give hot. So I'm waking up at 7 AM tomorrow morning to work out with my two friends.

Likes Long Walks on the Beach

Now that I'm out of a relationship, I seem to be giving a lot of relationship advice.

Seriously. Me. Who's NOT in a relationship! Do you all want to hear what I have to say?

I'm kind of amazed at the extreme sense of relief I have over this relationship being over. That's not to say that I didn't love him, but I just have so much of my own time again and for that I'm thankful.

I have a dear friend who just got married and now is planning to have a child. It's an overwhelming experience for her because it's something she's always wanted to do and for so long she had one excuse or another: the wrong man, the wrong time, no money--the list goes on and on. And now she's got all of the things lined up. And it's still scary.

We've been going on these long walks in Santa Monica and talking things out. I won't disclose any of her personal information, but talking to her has made me think about the things that make me happy. I don't have a hard time being single, although I did have a one night stand this weekend and it was lonely. It's just not the same grabbing your stuff and getting out of someone's bed as it is when you're in your own bed. I miss my bed. And I miss those memories. I know there are plenty of unpleasant memories as well, but being single makes you think about those things.

So back to me not having a hard time being single. :)

In the next relationship, I need to make sure I'm spending time with my friends. And I need to pay attention if the person I'm with doesn't like my friends or begins to resent them over time. He never liked my friends. There was always an issue. And even though I knew that was a RED FLAG, I felt we could get over it. He didn't like the people I was closest to. That's a problem.

When I met my ex, I didn't want to date anymore. I am tired of people who date to have sex. Especially gay guys. I'm not promoting whoreish behavior (although I don't see anything wrong with it if you're being safe). But I'm just saying we need to be honest. Do I want to fuck you or find out who your favorite authors are? Or both? But don't get it twisted. Let's fuck. Let's do dirty things to each other. Absolutely. But I shouldn't have to suffer through a horrible date because you've got a big dick or thick lips or a cute ass.

I'm happy to have a life with friends and dating on the side. But that's not even my priority. I'm starting a new job in a week. I need to tie up loose ends on my current job. And I've got a new play to finish by the end of the year. I have plenty on my plate. But I think that the life I'm leading now is the life I should always be living. Even with a partner, and kids maybe one day, and a full creative life. The mistake I made was that everything became about him. And I knew that he found things about me inspiring and interesting - that's why we started dating in the first place. But I thought that in order for him to know how much I cared about him, that I needed to make it all about him. Do I think that if I had more balance that we would still be together? No. I now realize that we were meant to be together to learn things about ourselves. And then we became stagnant. And then there were bigger problems. And the relationship had to end.

But what I want my friend to remember is that she's on no one's timetable. She found the right guy and they have a life to live together. Enjoy the time you have because it might not be forever - through death or divorce.

I'm learning to enjoy the fact that we had a great ride. Five years is a wonderful amount of time. I know I can love. I know I can be committed. I know that I can work on a relationship. And I know I can be a great lover, an incredible listener and a wonderful boyfriend. I know that I can let someone be that back to me. And I know enough to honor the relationship we had by leaving the party when it's time. Otherwise, it would have gotten worse and I would have been left with the decaying carcass that was once our relationship.

I just want my friend to be happy. I think she will be. But she just has to trust herself. Trust me, it's a lesson I seem to be learning a lot lately.

Ch-ch-cha-changes

"When another door closes, another one opens."

"When you want something, the universe conspires to help you get it."

"Luck is preparation matched with opportunity."

All of these sayings have come to mind lately. As has been written in this blog, I have been out of my relationship for almost a month, since HALLOWEEN. And once you make one change in your life, everything else starts to move. So I apologize for not blogging for a week, but life has been happening.

Where to begin?

Well, I am starting a new job on December 6th, as the assistant to two showrunners who just got a pilot picked up on USA. That went down right before Thanksgiving. The job may take me out of town, if I go with my new bosses on location. And I continue to float around from guest bedroom to guest bedroom. And I will be house and dog sitting during the holidays, so that's terrific.

My biggest complaint and the great mystery that I needed to solve for the longest time was how to get unstuck. I felt completely immobile and it was a problem I didn't know how to solve.

I saw a friend last night for a post-Thanksgiving gathering. She's now married and trying for a baby. I told her I had been thinking a lot about her lately. She was in a relationship that was going nowhere. And I remember she called me in tears about three years ago because she didn't know what to do. She finally ended her relationship with a guy of seven years. And at the time I remember thinking that I would never have the courage to do that. Yes, there were things wrong with my relationship, but if I wanted to leave I didn't think I could. And when all of these wonderful things started happening to her as a result of her changing her life, I hoped the same would happen to me. Except I wanted to keep everything the same. The Universe doesn't work that way.

And here I am now. Four weeks. I have a blog I've gotten behind on. I still haven't told y'all the story of week two, which is the week I really decided to leave. And now I'm at the end of week four. I have no place to live. I'm relying on my friends. I'm starting a new job, which won't last longer than a few months if our pilot doesn't get picked up. I've already applied for other jobs that I never thought I would apply for. My motto is "Change Everything." If I don't like it, I can go back to the things I do like.

But if my life is going through a converter right now, I want to throw as many things in that converter as possible. Because the universe is turning everything to gold. So the more I change, the more gold I will have. I like that philosophy. And I'm sticking with it.

Friday Morning

I've officially been out of my house for almost three weeks now.

I sing "Teenage Dream" and I remember that we never got to watch that episode of "Glee" together. And I can hear the bedroom conversation:

HIM: "You're Kurt and I'm Blaine."

ME: "Why are you Blaine?"

HIM: "Because I have a better voice. And you're more gay."

ME: "Maybe I'm just more emotional."

HIM: "Maybe I just want to sing that song to you."

I miss him. And it hit me this morning. I know I'm not really explaining why we broke up. Suffice it to say that I wouldn't leave flippantly. There needed to be bigger reasons to leave that made the relationship unbearable. He's not unbearable, he's actually incredibly lovable and in extreme need of love. I finally realized that I needed more. I needed a voice in my relationship and couldn't just be the emotional center.

I couldn't just hear things like:

"You're so patient."

"Thank God for you."

"He's blessed to have you."

And it started to sound like mockery. I started to feel like maybe I was a fool for being so patient and loving--two things by the way that I think are the keys to a successful relationship. But I'm not longer in one, so what do I know?

In the he said/she said movie of this relationship, it will be said that he took me to wonderful places and we ate at fabulous restaurants and felt important. I would rather feel important for the work I do and the person I am, not for where I show up. And I can cook my own goddamn dinner. I'm an amazing cook. It became all about this image and projecting this persona. Eventually, so did our relationship.

But that doesn't take away from the fact that this morning at 9 AM, I miss being his boyfriend. I know I left for the right reasons and that the relationship left me doubting myself. I'm better for having left. I know he'd dispute this if he ever reads this, but it was emotionally abusive. At a certain point he knew that. But I miss the private moments. The "Glee" watch parties together. The eating in bed and making funny faces. The laying in bed with our two dogs. But I couldn't trade my own dignity and my own path for those moments. It was just two high a price to pay.

So THAT I don't miss. And I am glad I was brave enough to leave. I may not totally believe it was an act of bravery yet, but my friends keep telling me that, so I'm choosing to believe them. At least until I can believe it myself.

Already?

My friends are starting to set me up. And I guess that's fine in terms of moving on. But have they been holding out on me all of this time? Did they have a secret list of guys they wanted to set me up with in case I broke up with the boyfriend and now all of a sudden the floodgates have opened?

My best friend always said her sister knew Marc Jacobs and she had him on speed dial in case I ever broke up. She always said this whenever I called her for a drink. Because I never called her up for a drink unless I had a problem with the boyfriend. But to be fair, she didn't call me much either. No hard feelings. Just fact. Yes, I do live in a world where it is POSSIBLE that someone I know knows Marc Jacobs. What's NOT possible is Marc Jacobs (the new, improved Marc Jacobs) ever looking at me twice. I mean, have you seen his boyfriend? Go to Perez Hilton, then come back.

This is not me being hard on myself. I give great face - YOU'VE seen it. But the body needs some fine tuning. I am comfortable enough with myself to know that. Face: amazing. Body: good.

But it was always a nice thought.

URBAN MYTH: Marc Jacobs waiting around for me with a cashmere hoodie in one hand and gym membership to Equinox in the other.

Dating Marc Jacobs would be motivation to get the pounds off for sure.

A friend of an ex-boyfriend already sent me a friend request on Facebook. I'm not sure how much I trust his judgment, but it was a sweet gesture. The ex's teeth weren't that great and neither are this guy's. It's the thought that counts, I guess.

Another friend I had lunch with asked me if I wanted to date her 23 year-old mixed race intern or babysitter or something. She showed me a picture and he's hot. But even though I'm NOT 23, I'm supposed to be the 23 year-old mixed race guy in a relationship. I mean, have you SEEN my pic. That's your second hint, go look at it if you haven't yet. Scroll or click or whateve.r

And then my friend told me about another guy over drinks last night. He's 41, good looking, white, a professional in the entertainment business who works for a major studio and he's really nice. But she wasn't sure if we're the same type. I saw that look on her face that most heterosexual's have when they're confused about how gay relationships work. I recognized that look.

"You're trying to figure out who's the woman, aren't you?"

"Yeah. Is that bad?"

And it's not bad, I told her. It's just what straight people know. There's a man and a woman. And apparently the woman is more gentle and understanding. I was definitely the woman in that regard in my past relationship. My ex's Mom even went as far to tell me one year after hanging out with her grandson that I would make an excellent mother. And if that's the case and her son as the "man" is the opposite of that...what the hell is she saying about her son without saying it.

And for the record, that is no correlation to who's the top or the bottom, as I told my friend last night.

So I told my friend to give her friend my phone number or to look me up on Facebook. If he's interested in dating a mixed race guy who LOOKS 23 (HEY! I'm getting over a break up, if I want to be deluded, I'm allowed for the next two weeks), then he should look and see if he likes what he sees. But apparently he's been dating younger and younger, but isn't necessarily interested in dating babies, so the only other question is:

"Does he date brown?" My friend's getting back to me.

Dan Savage on the Price of Admission

A friend sent this to me. I thought I'd share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno&feature=fvsr

The Best Advice I've Been Given So Far

1. Enjoy this period in your life, as hard as it is. The pain's going to be there, so just have fun.

2. Say yes to everything. This is a time of risk, so take advantage.

3. Go shopping. Get yourself some new clothes that personify the new single you.

4. See friends.

5. Take a trip.

6. Look at Facebook less.

7. Listen to your autonomous voice and what it's telling you. Also known as your inner voice or your instinct. It's probably going to be louder than usual, so it's easier to hear.

8. Don't be alone with the ex. He's unpredictable. You're not ready.

9. Cut off all communication for now. Although I didn't take the advice someone gave me to defriend him on FB.

10. Continue to reach out to people, they have information for you. It's been remarkable how much so many people have stories like mine and how much that helps to hear.

11. Start seeing your therapist again. You're going to need to talk about it, so pay someone to listen. The Southern California Counseling Center on Pico does a sliding scale.

12. Start working out hard, for you more than anything else. It will clear your mind.

13. Set a goal for the next marathon you're going to run.

14. Set a goal for everything.

15. Let people help you. Ask for help.

The List

You know that list that you make of all the things you'll do when you get out of your relationship?

Oh, wait. Maybe you don't. If you're in a healthy relationship you probably don't. I'm telling you, I'm really starting to notice some very telling things about myself.

In any case, here's the list.

1. Get a haircut. That's happening this Wednesday. I will report back to let you know what my hair looks like after I get it done. I was telling a friend today about the haircut and I said, "I'm not sure how I'm going to cut it. Not that it matters, but he always liked it long." She responded with, "It totally matters. Cut it off. I keep it short because MY ex always liked it long."

2. Get rid of things I don't need. Did that.

3. Don't do THAT again. I haven't been so successful with this one in the past. I won't do THAT again.

4. See my friends more. Appreciate them more.

5. Focus on what I want.

6. Start changing other things in my life. Start making new and more changes.

7. See my niece more often.

8. Go on Facebook less.

9. Workout more.

10. Cut out carbs. I'm gay. This one is really important and has been reiterated by my friends who say I need to get my single body back.

11. Use the word "Amazeballs" more often. I like that word, so I should feel free to use it.

12. Start dancing again. That includes yoga, too.

13. Get back to writing a blog. Done.

14. Look at my expenses and start looking at how I can cut things out and be more responsible so I can really take care of myself instead of allowing someone else to take care of me.

15. Get a cashmere blanket.

16. Pray and talk to God more.

17. Ask the question: "What part in this do I have?" And change.

18. Look at the ways I play the victim. And change.

19. See more movies. By myself. And while you're at it, do more things by yourself.

20. Don't be bitter, be better. And realize that some cliches are worth considering.

Post-Script: Gag Reflex aka The Things You Find Out After You Break Up with Someone

I've officially been out of my house (and essentially out of my relationship for two weeks).

This is not how I imagined my life.

Five years and nine days (and now two weeks) later here I am.

And it's fascinating the things you find out after someone leaves your life. Like your friends who knew something was wrong for the past year or so. Or that your friends didn't like how he spoke to me.

I have a friend's significant other (that doesn't make this person gay or unmarried, I am just protecting the innocent, so everyone will be referred to as a significant other) that told me that I never looked like I was bothered by him. Of course, someone else told me that I always rolled by eyes when he said something that bothered me. I remember the eye-rolling more than the not being bothered.

What I'm learning is that I was living in a vacuum. I thought that I was the only one who knew that he was saying insulting things to me. I didn't see that our relationship was contaminating the outside world. I didn't think people could hear us or see us or that they knew what I was experiencing. The same friend's S.O. said that I handled myself with Grace when he was around and didn't let him feel embarrassed for making a fool out of himself.

They say love is blind. It's also deaf. And mute. Love is like Helen Keller. I should start a t-shirt line.

I thought I was protecting him. From what? From himself? Was I trying to protect myself?

I decided that I wouldn't bash him in this blog. See? I'm still protecting him.

What I'm finding out as I'm going through this process of putting my life together again (two weeks in--staying strong) is that it was so obvious to everyone that something was wrong. And we would--

SORRY, need to interrupt. He just sent me a cancelled appointment over Microsoft Outlook for something we were supposed to do over Thanksgiving weekend. I just clicked "Remove From Calendar." This is how we communicate now. We haven't spoken this entire time. Just a lot of angry texts and emails. But more on that soon enough.

So we would do this thing where we fancied ourselves characters in a Noel Coward play where we would quip back and forth. So sophisticated and literate, hurling bon mots back and forth. One thing I said to him early on in our relationship was that we would not become George and Martha. Not Washington, but from the play "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf." Bon mots.

I didn't want the fighting to get ugly or the insults to start hurling. And eventually we went from Coward to Albee. I also knew that if my anger got deep enough, I'd tear him down. If you knew who he was and asked him, he would laugh. He didn't think I had it in me. But I wasn't interested in that. Even post-breakup I'm trying to be graceful. Or protective. Oh, who the hell knows the difference anymore?

What else am I noticing, now that I've got some distance? I'm noticing a lot of people are telling me that they're proud of me. I'm also noticing that a lot of people I know have been through the same thing. And I never knew it. I only thought that the members of the support group I used to visit had my problems. Now I know that other people I know share the same experience.

I'm coming out all over again.

The people who tell me they are proud of me are the ones who have been there. These words, "I'm proud of you", were first met by shock. As in, "What did I do to make you proud?" Or, "It's not that big a deal." I do that a lot. Diminish myself.

That reminds me, need to call my therapist and get back into therapy.

But that's what I do. I think or pretend that my accomplishments are no big deal. Like anyone could get a full ride to a graduate writing program at NYU. Or anyone could decide that they've had enough of an emotionally abusive relationship. Wait, my relationship was emotionally abusive? What? Again, deaf. It's only through the process of opening up and starting to talk and share stories that I'm having new kinds of shock.

Those shocking moments are getting filed under the heading: "Wait, you mean that I'm NOT crazy?" No, buddy, there's a whole history of people who you could actually learn from if you just opened your mouth and shared your pain and confusion. Instead of swallowing it whole. Time to stop ignoring that gag reflex. Choke on it a little bit. That gag reflex is trying to tell you something.

Stop deep throating your pain. Not a phrase you're going to hear from a therapist, trust me. Although, it would be awesome if that was a piece of advice.

Listen, you need to pay attention when you experience resistance. If your eyes are watering or you're choking, there's something wrong. If you feel discomfort, that's a sign.

Stop deep throating your pain.