Turn It Around

We all have negative thoughts that hold us back.  And most negative thoughts don't feel or sound like negative thoughts because we just think we're holding ourselves accountable or pushing ourselves.  Most of my negative thoughts are cleverly hidden because I am a writer and I know how to trick myself into and out of any way of thinking.  When you've got the gift of the written word, you're a master of deception.  And sometimes that includes self-deception.

In my tarot reading, we talked about negative thoughts that are holding us back.  And so I'm here to release those negative thoughts:

• The belief that if I stop beating myself up, I will stop working as hard for things.
• The belief that I'm not ready to be a successful writer because I haven't done enough, worked hard enough or because I don't know enough.
• The belief that because others have achieved what I want that they are smarter, better, and more able than I am.  Therefore, of course I don't deserve any of what I want because I'm not good enough.
• The belief that I have to be old before any of my work sees the light of day or any of my financial success comes.  Because somehow being old means that you've earned it.
• The belief that you have to earn it and that earning it means doing this for 20-plus years and going through and mastering every single step along the way.
• The belief that success is supposed to take along time in order to mean anything.
• The belief that life is supposed to be fair and that nothing can come to be until there is balance and fairness.
• The belief that fast money and fast success mean less.
• The belief that waiting makes success better.
• The belief that being a starving artist somehow makes my work better and my life more noble. 
• The belief that my Mother needs me to tell her what to do, otherwise her life will fall apart, she will be destitute and will descend into a world of sadness.

Today, I release all of that and instead will adopt a new way of thinking.

• I can achieve more by being good to myself  
• I am my own best friend.
• I am ready and have been ready to be a successful writer whose work is published, whose work is well compensated and who is an expert on his craft and is called upon to share his expertise and life experience with others.
• Now is the time for all of this to happen.
• What has happened to other people has nothing to do with me.  I am on my own path and so are they.  There is no correlation.
• I am better for my life experience, but another thing I need to experience is financial and creative success.
• If I write and learn and do things every day to move forward, that is a success.  And I can have that success on a daily basis.
• I only need to validate and love myself.
• The path is as short or as long as I choose it to be.
• Life is not fair.
• Fairness is not my responsibility.
• Money is energy, not just profit.  It doesn't hold anything negative except what I choose to put on it.  So fast or slow, easy or hard, it is all good as long as I am all good in my relationship to it.
• What other do or say about me or how they live their lives is none of my business.
• My financial success can be huge and epic, but it doesn't define me.  So I don't have to keep it small to be more honorable.  I can live large and still be on a spiritual path because it doesn't define me.  More money, more problems if I define myself by how much money I have or how much money I don't have.  But I can be a billionaire and be a complete human being.  But that is a choice.
• My life experience can be as big and epic as a I want it to be.  It can take me anywhere I choose for it to take me.
• My life experience is based on perception, my own way of thinking.  I have the dial to control how much the volume is turned up in my life.

If my father's death has taught me anything, it is to look at things 180 degrees from the way I looked at them before.  Invert the thought.  Twist the spine.

Twisting the spine also means that I can turn things around 180 degrees.  Wow.  That's a thought.

Am I Going to Be Lazy For Life?

DISCLAIMER: I have been working pretty consistently since I was 16.

HOWEVER...

I have been out of work for a while.  First, I did take time off to help my Dad deal with his illness and to help the family out.  Okay that bought me a year.

Then I had the mourning period.  I told myself that I was going to allow myself the time to experience every bit of the mourning process.  I had spent my life covering things up by keeping busy with work and with other aspects of life.  Then we went to Hawaii to spread his ashes and it was going to be hard to tell an employer that I needed two weeks off for a family vacation.

But we came back four months ago.  And this month, in about three weeks, is the year anniversary of my Dad's death.  I can't believe it.

Sometimes I hear it in my boyfriend's voice, "What are you doing today?"

I heard traces of it in a friend's Facebook post the other day, "I'm jealous that you went to the spa for six hours while I was in meetings all day."  NOTE: The six hour spa trip was to decompress from a pretty heated (verbally violent) I had with a contractor that had swindled my Mom.

But I even hear it in my own head.  I haven't worked (with the exception of a three month teaching gig) since my Dad got sick.  As documented in this blog, I knew that once he got sick I wasn't going to work.  I knew it was the end.  No one wanted to admit it, but I honestly think I might have been the first person in my family to acknowledge that my Dad was going to die in short order.  It was just over a year.  If I hadn't been so certain, I wouldn't have decided that I was taking time off.  I had decided to take the rest of that year (2011) off.

Then I got the teaching job, and that turned out to be great because I discovered something new I loved to do and I could commute to Northern CA and get away from the stress of dealing with my Dad.  It was early enough that he didn't need constant care yet.  I decided not to apply for teaching jobs that year because I didn't know where my Dad would be and I didn't want to be away.  I knew I would never get the time back and at the time earning money seemed like a silly excuse to be away from my dying father.

And to be fair, I had a teaching job that I was up for and that felt really right for me.  I had applied and it was at Santa Clara, where I had taught before.  I remember thinking, "Oh, am I putting all of my eggs in one basket."  And I knew I was.  I knew that I was banking on this.  But it just felt like the Universe had sent me this opportunity and it was the right thing.  Even though I knew that they would have to fire the guy who had been there for years teaching in order to take me on.  I knew from Day One that it would be an uphill battle.  But I had written six syllabi for courses I thought I would be qualified to teach back in November of 2012 (after a visit there).  So it had MANIFESTATION written all over it.

And in some ways, I do still think that that opportunity was manifested.  But it might not have been manifested for me to have that particular job at that particular time.

I compare it to this:
When I met The Drummer, I felt a strong draw to him.  He was handsome, smart and charming.  He brought me my favorite wine on our first date.  You can go back and check that out...it was on July 11, 2011--the blog entry is probably around then.  Once we started dating (eight months after I broke up with The Ex) everyone started asking: Is he the ONE?

Seriously, I was nauseous from people asking me that question.  Is he the one?  Is he the guy?  Is he it?

I had stopped believing in "the One" after I broke up with my Ex.  I thought that dude was the One.  And we lasted five years and nine days.  But even after the break up, and after the revelations and discoveries about myself that surfaced (again documented here) I knew that my Ex was exactly the person who I was destined to be with from October 22, 2005 until November 1, 2010.  And I also knew that The Drummer was the person I was destined to be with then and I know that now two years later.  We always have said that we were lucky to find each other and have each other...as long as we're lucky to be together.  Either separated by life's circumstances or by death's.  I didn't know how long I would be lucky to be with him, but I knew that through him I had hope that there was life after my Ex.

So...I feel the same way about that job opportunity.  It wasn't the one.  But going through the process of sending in the application and standing firm in the solid ground of who I am as a person, an artist, a human being and a professor/teacher/mentor/guide, I have grown.  I am learning to stand in the truth of my experience and my expertise.  I would have made a garden grow there, no doubt.  But since I no longer have access to that patch of grass, I will make a beautiful garden somewhere else.

Yet, I'm having these feelings lately that I love my life and my schedule.  I love the freedom. I'm having a great time taking in life.  Taking in knowledge.  Taking in movies and conversations with friends and Netflix and Facebook and Bravo.  I just wrote a poem on this blog the other day.  My first poem in almost twenty years.  The rewards are big and small and the financial benefits are not to be found.  I'm experiencing life and that does have its rewards.  But I'm also barely forging an existence financially.  I have answered the first part of a question.  How do I want to live life?

I know I want to live a life that feels true and authentic. I know I want to live a life with purpose.  I want to live a life with art in it.  I want to not only be surrounded by it, I want to be making it.

So the second part of that is: How will I live responsibly and sustain myself?  How will I make a living? 

That question I don't have an answer to.  I think it has been important thus far to leave that question open ended. But now I'm starting to feel antsy.  The thing I have to be care of for my self is to not be hasty or desperate or rush to the first thing.  That is hard to do when there are bills to pay.

So when I ask my self the question: Am I going to be lazy for life?  I am being a bit flippant.  Because lazy isn't without direction or purpose or living on someone else's dime.  Lazy can also mean relaxed, not to focused that I ignore the Universe's clues for how I should live my life or the people in my life.

I was watching "Oprah's Next Chapter" with Alfre Woodard, Phylicia Rashad, Viola Davis and Gabrielle Union the other day.  And Ms. Woodard said something great.  She said that you have to know the difference between what you do and who you are.  People get the business life and the personal life confused.  Life is about who you love, how you love them and the love you get in return.  But when you confuse the two, you seek that out in your job -- in this case, Hollywood.  And it's a lie.  She said that even when you're winning, it's a lie because it's not real.  And I had been living a life where I thought it was real. I needed validation.  I needed to be spiritually looked after.  And in God's name, why would anyone in their right mind ask a Pimp to be their spiritual guide.  Because that is what Hollywood is.  It's a pimp.  It gets what it needs from you and then you're thrown out when you're used up, worn out, stretched, spiritually empty and old.  It's a business relationship.  You are only looked after as long as you are useful and put money in its pocket.

I wanted my Pimp to love me!  That was my problem.  See, if I wasn't available to hear that and understand that I wouldn't have.  Yes, I could have watched that on my weekend if I was working.  But if I was still on the "hamster wheel", trying to get my place secured in the hierarchy, I wouldn't have heard it.  I would have not been available to it.

But my desire--at this point in the journey--to answer that question is an indicator that I am ready to define the next stage of my life for my self.  My "next chapter."

So just in an effort to tell myself that I'm not being lazy, I know that I have been doing things.  I'm trying to get two plays ready for workshops.  After I didn't get the teaching gig, I reached out to my best friend to start pitching ideas that we can take out during the next development season for television.    I also just told my boyfriend, The Drummer, that I will take over producing duties on the internet radio show that he started almost four months ago.  This is a job that doesn't pay.  Yet.

I want the rest of my life to be on my terms.  That's all I have right now.  I don't have a job I'm tied down to.  I don't have the expectations of a boyfriend who wants me to get a higher paying job so we can get a bigger house and a better car and so that we can go on vacations.  I don't have any more excuses, either.

So I hope I will be relaxed and open for life.  I hope I will not be tied down to everyone else's idea for how I should live.  I hope I will continue to experience things full on and that I won't be distracted.  But I also know that in order to live that way I will need to be determined, focused, relentless, detailed, demanding and driven.

In other words, I will be lazy in the ways that serve me and not in the ways that don't.

2011 Review and 2012 Plan

I'm re-posting here the Review and Plan I put on my Facebook at the end of last year. Just to reiterate and to put it out there yet again.

This year, I didn't really make any New Years Resolutions because so much of my life had changed in the two months prior to the New Year. My five year relationship ended and I was in the middle of rebuilding my life. I was about to start a new job...I had ended a long time working relationship as well.

This year has brought about tremendous change. I had a great job working for the producers of EDEN, a USA pilot that didn't go to series. But it taught me so much about what I am capable of and what I had been holding back. Then I decided to collect unemployment, take the rest of the year off to write and regroup, and see where that took me. But I treat my unemployment as an award, a fellowship, and once I made the decision to go to Portland to see my brother's family, to go to NYC to book a play reading, and to reach out to Santa Clara to see if I could do a workshop for their students...something miraculous happened. I originally was going to SCU to sub for a professor who had to miss a class. When it turned out that he had to bow out for the whole Fall, I was the person they asked to teach Playwriting that term. And that decision changed a lot for me. It gave me the confidence to step out as an authority in my field and I know that change will reverberate throughout 2012.

So here we are on the brink of 2012. And this year I will not really make any resolutions, but I will have a plan for 2012. And to hold myself accountable and to say it out loud, I'm putting it on Facebook.



This year I will...

continue to write plays - because writing plays make me happy. They challenge my mind and my spirit. I started writing very young as a way to express how I see the world. That hasn't changed, but the very honorable goal of trying to make a living in the entertainment industry has sometimes gotten in the way. But that will lead to the next thing...

I will be clearer in my goals for my writing. I know that TV will be a part of my future. But I have to be clear about what I want. My writing has to be clearer and more intentional. I was writing from a place of not totally buying that I am talented, knowledegable and capable enough to stand firm in my ability to tell stories. And having taught this year, I know how capable I am. In order to teach something, you have to know it. Someone very special to me said to me that teaching only reinforces what you already know and that teaching would make me a better writer.

This coming year, I'm ready to see that come to fruition and show itself in my achievement of serious professional goals. I feel like I planted a lot of seeds in 2011 and in 2012, those seeds are going to bear fruit. But I have to continue to fertilize and tend to what I have planted.

Something shifted this year. My friend Dave called it Loo-thousand-eleven and I really took that to heart. I no longer am in the shadows of what other people know or what my inadequacies are. I live in the light of the things I know to be true and my own authority. Teaching really gave that to me in a big way. And I hope to continue learning to be a better teacher.

But it's not just about teaching for me. It's about continuing to do. It's about giving myself the opportunity to better myself. It's about delivering the best me to myself and to my loved ones and colleagues. I am learning every day how to be a kinder, more compassionate person of my work.

I want to do more mentoring. Whether that's teaching at the university level, whether that's reconnecting with my high school and offering my knowledge to its current students in some way, visiting current Jesuit Volunteers whenever I'm in Portland or talking to the parents of an eighth grader from my hometown who are considering the value of spending $14K a year on a high school education and figuring out how to get their son to Venice Blvd, between Normandie and Vermont every day. If that's the way that I can do more social service, then I am happy to do so.

This coming year will be about being more productive, continuing to get deeper spiritually...but I also want to look as good as I feel. I'm happy to be fit and healthy. But I also want to look hot. It's not just about having someone to look good for, but it's about looking in the mirror and knowing that what you look like reflects your discipline, dedication, hard work and personal value. And if that means six pack abs, then that means six pack abs.

But with my father getting sick this year, I do understand the value of health. And I will be more active so that I can be mentally sharp, physically strong and capable for as long as God blesses me with life on this earth. I would like to do another marathon. It's about time.

I will be more dedicated to my family, respectful of my loved ones and appreciative of all they bring to me. I have met someone who has taught me that it's not about being edgy to show that you're someone worth being respected, but it's about being kind. And I will be kind as much as possible every day.

So that's my plan. It's not bullet pointed. It's not in outline form. It's specific without being detailed because I want to allow the room for God to come in and decide to give me more than what I asked for. I am surrendering to him and his desires for me because it really is like Oprah says (like so many things are), "God has a bigger dream than you can dream for yourself."

The plan is to let him dream the dream, but to keep moving in a forward direction.

Life Review: Shared Experiences

When Jane Fonda was on OPRAH a few months ago (for the "FAREWELLLLL SEASONNNNNNN!!!!) she talked about doing a "life review." I think she did hers after she divorced Ted Turner. She did it around 60. At the time I saw the show, I thought it was a good idea, but I figured there would be a great milestone where it would make the most sense to do it. And since I don't have a big birthday coming up any time soon, I'd just have to wait.

But the universe had other ideas. So here I am, 39 days into my breakup, and at the beginning of what's become a life review: this blog. It's a time to assess the choices I've made. To break patterns. To renew. And it's been helpful. And this life review is starting to have affect in the rest of my life. Friends are reading this blog and coming forth with their own stories. And they're actually taking part in my life review because there are experiences that will trigger a new thought.

Like yesterday, I had lunch with my friend and she said something about having to start all over. She didn't have any friends after she broke up with her guy (she's now happily married - so there's hope). And the people who reached out to her were people who just knew her casually - work associates and acquaintances. But those are the people who have become her closest friends. She literally rebuilt her life from scratch. It's like she cleared away all the dead leaves and made way for new life.

I love that. And I love that she shared that with me. It's really helping.

I'm having a FB chat with a friend (who will remain nameless because he just mentioned to me how hard it would be if he went on a date with someone and the review of the date appeared on my blog). He's someone I knew in NYC and always adored. I think I even had a crush on him once and we might have fooled around. But he just commented on something I shared with him about dating. He said it was a healthy outlook. And I remarked that it was a kind of health that I've fought really hard for. I didn't come out of my mama's coochie this smart. Trust me.

He had remarked that he felt really comfortable being alone. And I shared with him that I had made a decision before I dated my ex. I was going out on these dates with guys - and this felt really typical of LA, but I'm sure it's typical of anywhere - guys would put up with the most ridiculous shit just to get laid. It's the whole "he's just not get into you" vibe. Guys would go out on dates just not to be lonely. And it's not like they were presenting much criteria up front. I went out on a date with a guy who was SO BORING, my cock wasn't even hard when we were laying in bed together. He had this weird body. It's what we now call "skinny fat." He looked thin, but had NO MUSCLE TONE WHATSOEVER. It's creepy. It doesn't feel good and it makes them feel like some sort of amorphous blob. But he just didn't have anything to say. We watched "The Mirror Has Two Faces" at his condo in Orange County (which might be the other problem, although I have had great fortune in the OC). And I completely stopped paying attention to him. He'd say something like, "I love Barbra's hair in this scene." And I'd say something like, "Oh, no I'm not hungry." And I thought: WHAT AM I DOING? This is a total waste of time. IN the amount of time I've been hanging out with this body snatcher, I could have worked out at the gym, done some window shopping at South Coast Plaza, jacked off a couple of times, caught up with some friends on the phone in NYC, and made a bolognaise. That's probably exactly what I was thinking when I said, "Oh, no I'm not hungry."

So here's the wisdom:

I don't want to date any more just to have companionship of any kind. If I was going to go out and get laid, then that was going to be it. Of course, I would always be protected and safe. But if I wanted to fuck, then that's all it was going to be.

If I wanted companionship, I had friends.

But if I met someone and we clicked, then I'd meet him for a drink or brunch. And if it didn't work out, then I still had my friends and fuck buddies.

I didn't ask one relationship to be something that it's not.

But it's difficult. Because most of us are afraid of being alone. And even though we wouldn't be alone if we had fulfillment on a solo level, the IDEA of JUST ONE instead of PLUS ONE is scary. That's what keeps us dating the skinny fat guys from the OC.

So if I could say something to my dear friend, who I am so glad I'm back in touch with because I still think he's cute, I would say this: You live in the best city in the world. And like my favorite fictional iconic New Yorker Carrie Bradshaw says, "You're never alone. The city is your date." But it has the best looking guys in the world and the best cunning linguists. The Apple has great places that are inexpensive to run into people. It's a great place to run in and to run into people in. You're smarter, cuter, and wiser because you live there. The city has made you a catch. Now you just have to decide if you want to get caught.

Or move to Boston.