I'm Back to Therapy

I've been seeing a bereavement counselor through my Father's hospice care program.  In general, it has been helpful to have someone to talk to.  But as I've been speaking to Thomas my bereavement counselor, I have realized that I really need a bit more help on a deeper level.  So I'm back in therapy.  And this guy is interesting.  A bit passive maybe for my tastes.  I want to give it three or four sessions to suss it out before I make a decision to change.  But I didn't feel like it was quite clicking yet.

He seemed a bit put off by the fact that I seemed like I was holding it together.  Well, my Dad just died and I was the one who held it together and I'm still probably in that mode.  Besides, I don't know him that well yet and maybe I'm saving the waterworks until I've got a better feel for this guy.  He's not encouraging me to open up necessarily.  When I was going to therapy before, my former counselor made me feel comfortable.  I cried for the first four sessions. 

But this guy did say something very interesting at the end of the session after I had done all of the talking.  He interjected selectively, but I felt very much like he was observing me and not engaging enough.  I had talked about my anger towards my Dad, which I feel like I've worked through.  He said that I almost seemed to be smiling when I talked about my anger.  And it's not like I didn't have plenty of anger and expressed it.  But I also got this image of the smiling Buddha.  And I like that image.

But I told him that I came to therapy exactly so I could get below the surface.  I acknowledged that there was a veneer, but that I came to therapy because I needed help with getting underneath my grief.  I didn't like that he just thought I was putting on some sort of act or that I was just trying to hold it together.  If I thought everything was hunky dory I wouldn't be sitting across from him!  I'm ready to do some work.  All of his questions seemed very rudimentary and very by the book.  I don't respond to that.  I don't respond to generic questions or a lack of imagination.  I'm a writer!  I want you to get there and to go deep.

Well, I will have to see how things go next week.  The jury is still out.