My favorite yoga teacher, Natasha, announced that she was leaving to move up to the Bay Area. And since her last class is this weekend, I'll be missing it since I'll be out of town. But we're going to try and see each other while I'm in the Bay Area for the next few months. As I've mentioned in various places around this blog, whenever I take class with Natasha I feel like I take something away that's really important.
So it's sad that she's leaving because I adore her so much and I feel like she has given me so much in the short few months I've taken with her. It makes me feel like I shouldn't have taken her for granted and that I should have gone to every class of hers. You just never think that such a great teacher is going to go away. I honestly have only taken four or five classes with Natasha, but I went to them knowing that I would have a place of solace.
Maybe knowing how we all feel about her, she had a special theme for our class today. Today's class was about the idea that we have a teacher within ourselves. So even when you have a teacher that you love and they go away, the purpose of that teacher is that they are supposed to help us find the lessons that already exist within us.
Then she started crying. It was unexpected for herself and for us. Then I started getting emotional. My friend Nicole and I just looked at each other. It was so honest.
Then she had us shut our eyes and think about how we can learn the things that are already inside of us. How can we be teachers to ourselves, so that the lessons are never lost, so that those teachers are always within us? And how can we be teachers to each other.
Then it was my turn. I lost it. As my eyes were closed, I started crying. Like always, Natasha spoke to the exact place I was in that moment. I'm going to teach for the first time next month. And I've learned from my great teachers. The best ones are the ones who give of themselves. And I have to say that even though I only have known Natasha for a short period of time and we didn't have a lot of actual time together, she has taught me so much about teaching. And she's the person I'm going to be thinking of as I start on this new adventure with my students.
She's always so open. Every class began with an idea. Sometimes a Sanskrit word that we focus on. Then she strings it through the class. So that every movement, every pose, every stretch is filtered through the idea of that class. It's a real merger of the body, mind and spirit and that synthesis really improves the experience of the other areas. The body experience deepens the mind and spirit, the thought of the idea deepens the practice of the body and the spirit. And the spiritual connection allows us to stretch deeper, feel things more as well as opens up new thought and ideas about the concept of the class. It's really beautiful.
And her spirit is just beautiful. She has the best smile, the cutest body, the most articulate instrument--voice and body--to guide us through. It inspires me to be more, to leave each student with a gift. And it teaches me that having a high aspiration for each class is not a bad thing. People keep saying that these students might not write again, might not be interested in theatre, might not be receptive. That I shouldn't challenge them too much.
But I remember my first playwriting teacher. He just inspired by doing. We kept going along because he was the pied piper. So I'm going to have a vision for this class. I know how I'm structuring it. I just got my text books in the mail today. So now I can finish my lesson plans. I have a lot to read and to prepare. Now I just have to fill in the vision with the details of what we will be doing each class.
The other thing that Natasha said today was that no one can do your practice like you can. It's completely yours and unique to you. And that's true of my class. It's true of everything I am. No one does what I do. No one writes the plays I write. No one has characters like the characters I have. No one phrases things like I do. It's easy to look on someone else's paper. Their successes. Their accolades and want that. But that's not mine. My successes and accolades are on record and the future ones are to come. No one can take away my past, present or future successes either.
That encouragement allows me to go deeper into my practice in yoga class. When I hear encouragement, I go deeper, I feel things more and I get more out of it. I never feel like it's impossible. Today I did the Crow Pose for the first time EVER. I just decided that I would do it before Natasha left. And then I launched right into it. My fear completely disappeared. The doubt washed away and I was off the ground. Like everything, you just have to find a way to do it.
And like my yoga practice, once I put my mind to things, the obstacles just fall away. It has always been that way throughout my life without fail. I survived my childhood--the relentless teasing and name calling (sissy, faggot, girl). I survived my home life--the relentless yelling and put downs. I made it into the high school of my dreams. I went to a wonderful college that I'm going back to in three weeks to continue the cycle of learning. I went to the grad school of my dreams in the city of my dreams and I survived. And a lot of fear and resistance got the best of me. But even that was the important lesson for me to get to this place. I had to be tested and I had to learn to trust in myself. I had to learn that I'm enough, complete and ready now.
Becoming the teacher means that I'm no longer the student. I'm no longer the person without expertise and I can stand tall in that knowledge. It's this knowledge that will allow me to move forward in my pursuits instead of hiding behind the idea that I only have things to learn and I can't speak my voice with authority.
I have been afraid of that transition my whole life. But now I know it's my destiny. It's the teacher within that is now the teacher inside and out.
Thanks, Natasha. I'm super grateful.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Recap
I've been watching THE A LIST on Logo, which is pretty annoying and pointless. But the recaps called THE EASY A LIST are much more compelling, so I thought I'd do a quick recap of recent events since last Thursday when I posted last.
Friday: I had a busy day. I had lunch with The Drummer before he headed out of town again for a gig. We held hands and ate Mexican food at Marix in WeHo and were spotted by a good friend of mine. It was romance, romance, blah, blah, blah. The same as usual. I'm into him and it's sweet.
Then I went over to my best friend Alanna's house where she had news for me. She ran into my Ex...just FOUR HOURS EARLIER!!!!!
Recap within a Recap: They ran into each other at the Vet, my dogs are now fat, he looks the same, it was difficult for him to ask about how I was doing, my best friend called him out on his bad behavior and he told her to tell me that he said hello.
Alanna and I had cocktails out at the Abbey in the sunshine, talked to an older queen and his black fag hag and then I moved my car, headed back to the Abbey and met up with my friend Brian.
Brian is a set designer who's in town for a show he's working on. He's married to a successful photographer. I had crushes on them both when we met in Louisville, KY last year. Brian and I had Manhattans to celebrate the occasion of seeing each other and then he had to head to an Emmy party. I went home.
Saturday:
My Dad went back into the hospital for a night. I was incredibly angry with him. Then I was angry with my brother. Then I opened up to my friend Nicole about the situation and ended up crying. Then I went to a fabulous party for my friend Emily, who's an interior designer and I danced my ass off. Talked to her friends, saw some of my friends and had an all around glam night, while trying to forget about my dad and his craziness.
Sunday:
Was hungover. Started reading JUST KIDS by Patti Smith at the suggestion of a friend from the party the night before. Dad came home. I've hardly spoken to him.
Monday:
Did a bit of work. Had dinner with my friend Jen, who is also a good friend of the Ex's. Jen's someone who I trust to be straight up and we had a great conversation about everything going on. She was incredibly supportive and understanding of the situation with the Ex. We hadn't seen each other since the break up. We talked a lot about life changes and what happens when you leave a situation that's not good for you. She works for a famous celebrity and it's time to leave. I think it was good that we had that time together.
Then I went over to the Drummer's house. We went out for dinner and came home and had hot amazing sex. It's fun being with him and we are both very excited for this coming weekend.
And that's my recap of the events of the past five days. Quick. Easy. And no boring details.
Friday: I had a busy day. I had lunch with The Drummer before he headed out of town again for a gig. We held hands and ate Mexican food at Marix in WeHo and were spotted by a good friend of mine. It was romance, romance, blah, blah, blah. The same as usual. I'm into him and it's sweet.
Then I went over to my best friend Alanna's house where she had news for me. She ran into my Ex...just FOUR HOURS EARLIER!!!!!
Recap within a Recap: They ran into each other at the Vet, my dogs are now fat, he looks the same, it was difficult for him to ask about how I was doing, my best friend called him out on his bad behavior and he told her to tell me that he said hello.
Alanna and I had cocktails out at the Abbey in the sunshine, talked to an older queen and his black fag hag and then I moved my car, headed back to the Abbey and met up with my friend Brian.
Brian is a set designer who's in town for a show he's working on. He's married to a successful photographer. I had crushes on them both when we met in Louisville, KY last year. Brian and I had Manhattans to celebrate the occasion of seeing each other and then he had to head to an Emmy party. I went home.
Saturday:
My Dad went back into the hospital for a night. I was incredibly angry with him. Then I was angry with my brother. Then I opened up to my friend Nicole about the situation and ended up crying. Then I went to a fabulous party for my friend Emily, who's an interior designer and I danced my ass off. Talked to her friends, saw some of my friends and had an all around glam night, while trying to forget about my dad and his craziness.
Sunday:
Was hungover. Started reading JUST KIDS by Patti Smith at the suggestion of a friend from the party the night before. Dad came home. I've hardly spoken to him.
Monday:
Did a bit of work. Had dinner with my friend Jen, who is also a good friend of the Ex's. Jen's someone who I trust to be straight up and we had a great conversation about everything going on. She was incredibly supportive and understanding of the situation with the Ex. We hadn't seen each other since the break up. We talked a lot about life changes and what happens when you leave a situation that's not good for you. She works for a famous celebrity and it's time to leave. I think it was good that we had that time together.
Then I went over to the Drummer's house. We went out for dinner and came home and had hot amazing sex. It's fun being with him and we are both very excited for this coming weekend.
And that's my recap of the events of the past five days. Quick. Easy. And no boring details.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Confirmation
So I'm having a good time with The Drummer. We are laughing a lot, having great sex, and truly making some great connections.
The Old Me would say that this is confirmation that he's The One. My Present Self would say that this is confirmation that he is Someone Who Should Be in My Life. When I think back about my Ex, at this six week point I did think he was The One. Now I know that he wasn't. But was he Someone Who Should Be in My Life at that time? Yes. He was someone I needed in my life and I'm the better for his presence in it because I had a lot of lessons to learn that I could have only learned if he was in my life.
I'm going back to the idea of The Drummer and I taking things moment by moment. And in this moment I'm glad that he's in my life. He has shown me so much kindness and sweetness and I don't have to go searching around to find out how he feels about me. I know exactly how he feels about me every moment of the day. There is no guess work. And I'm still not subscribing to this whole conversation of him being The One.
My friend Nicole asked me after yoga today if I was in Love? Isn't that funny that everyone subscribes to this idea that you can know if you've in Love with someone new in your life in six weeks? I like him and I like where this is going. And I told her the following story to let her know how deep it's getting (but this still doesn't mean that I'm in Love or that he's The One):
After I had gotten the news about the teaching gig, I called my brother and told him about it. My brother's reaction was tremendous and he shared with me that he wishes he was better at teaching. He wants to be a better mentor to people because he had so many people who had mentored him. I never knew that my brother feels exactly the same way I do about teaching and mentoring. This why I think that maybe I might have a gift for it.
Upon hearing the story, The Drummer looked at me and said, "You're the special one in your family." I smiled because I thought that was genuinely nice, but I went on to explain how amazing my brother is. My brother is an incredible scholar and a scientist. He stopped me. He explained that he wasn't trying to say that my brother isn't amazing. But that it was clear to him that I was the special one in my family. And when you're the special one, it takes a while for people to understand that. He was looking me straight in the face when he said this and I didn't even have the inclination to crack a joke. Nothing about that statement felt uncomfortable, but it also seemed like such a statement of someone seeing me that I still felt it was weird that he saw me in that way only six weeks in.
Then I had another experience yesterday when I was talking to my Mother about the fact that my Grandmother had always said that I should be a teacher. And that it was interesting that I was finally doing it. Then my Mom shared a story about how my Grandmother told her once that I should be a teacher because I had a real gift. She said that not everyone had the gift I had. Yes, my Brother was really smart and popular and everyone liked him. But I was special.
My jaw dropped. I then shared with my Mom what The Drummer had said. It was almost exactly what my Grandmother had said. I was floored.
Two things. This is not a story to dis my Brother. I think my brother is going to do amazing things. He's done HIV research and he's working in the field of infectious diseases. I think my brother's going to contribute to some work that will change the world. I have no doubt that my brother is that talented. I'm not sharing this story to basically say that I'm a rock star and my brother's not. And honestly, I feel a little guilty about putting this on here. But I think there's a point here. People in my life see something in me that I'm slow to see. And I need to get on board. If I'm going to do anything big in life, then I need to be confident in the power I possess. I think we all do.
The second thing: I still don't think that this means that The Drummer is "The One." I don't believe in that concept any more. I believe that this is true confirmation that he's incredibly intuitive or my Grandmother spoke through him or both. But the way he looked at me was that of a person delivering a message. I'd
like to think that he's intuitive and he really sees me. That's powerful.
But what I do know is that the two of us are exactly where we need to be right now...in this moment. And as long as this keeps working, then we're going to keep working at it.
The Old Me would say that this is confirmation that he's The One. My Present Self would say that this is confirmation that he is Someone Who Should Be in My Life. When I think back about my Ex, at this six week point I did think he was The One. Now I know that he wasn't. But was he Someone Who Should Be in My Life at that time? Yes. He was someone I needed in my life and I'm the better for his presence in it because I had a lot of lessons to learn that I could have only learned if he was in my life.
I'm going back to the idea of The Drummer and I taking things moment by moment. And in this moment I'm glad that he's in my life. He has shown me so much kindness and sweetness and I don't have to go searching around to find out how he feels about me. I know exactly how he feels about me every moment of the day. There is no guess work. And I'm still not subscribing to this whole conversation of him being The One.
My friend Nicole asked me after yoga today if I was in Love? Isn't that funny that everyone subscribes to this idea that you can know if you've in Love with someone new in your life in six weeks? I like him and I like where this is going. And I told her the following story to let her know how deep it's getting (but this still doesn't mean that I'm in Love or that he's The One):
After I had gotten the news about the teaching gig, I called my brother and told him about it. My brother's reaction was tremendous and he shared with me that he wishes he was better at teaching. He wants to be a better mentor to people because he had so many people who had mentored him. I never knew that my brother feels exactly the same way I do about teaching and mentoring. This why I think that maybe I might have a gift for it.
Upon hearing the story, The Drummer looked at me and said, "You're the special one in your family." I smiled because I thought that was genuinely nice, but I went on to explain how amazing my brother is. My brother is an incredible scholar and a scientist. He stopped me. He explained that he wasn't trying to say that my brother isn't amazing. But that it was clear to him that I was the special one in my family. And when you're the special one, it takes a while for people to understand that. He was looking me straight in the face when he said this and I didn't even have the inclination to crack a joke. Nothing about that statement felt uncomfortable, but it also seemed like such a statement of someone seeing me that I still felt it was weird that he saw me in that way only six weeks in.
Then I had another experience yesterday when I was talking to my Mother about the fact that my Grandmother had always said that I should be a teacher. And that it was interesting that I was finally doing it. Then my Mom shared a story about how my Grandmother told her once that I should be a teacher because I had a real gift. She said that not everyone had the gift I had. Yes, my Brother was really smart and popular and everyone liked him. But I was special.
My jaw dropped. I then shared with my Mom what The Drummer had said. It was almost exactly what my Grandmother had said. I was floored.
Two things. This is not a story to dis my Brother. I think my brother is going to do amazing things. He's done HIV research and he's working in the field of infectious diseases. I think my brother's going to contribute to some work that will change the world. I have no doubt that my brother is that talented. I'm not sharing this story to basically say that I'm a rock star and my brother's not. And honestly, I feel a little guilty about putting this on here. But I think there's a point here. People in my life see something in me that I'm slow to see. And I need to get on board. If I'm going to do anything big in life, then I need to be confident in the power I possess. I think we all do.
The second thing: I still don't think that this means that The Drummer is "The One." I don't believe in that concept any more. I believe that this is true confirmation that he's incredibly intuitive or my Grandmother spoke through him or both. But the way he looked at me was that of a person delivering a message. I'd
like to think that he's intuitive and he really sees me. That's powerful.
But what I do know is that the two of us are exactly where we need to be right now...in this moment. And as long as this keeps working, then we're going to keep working at it.
Easy to Be Hard
For me, it's easy to work myself up into a lather about all the things I want to do. From the time I was a kid, it was drilled in my head by my Father that you should have to put as many obstacles in your way to get something done. Somehow it was a badge of honor to work really hard because it proves that what you're doing is worthwhile. It is somehow a statement of value.
This is something I'm learning continually in my life...it doesn't have to be so hard. Sometimes effort is a sign of strain. And you don't have to overcome "impossible odds" to emerge triumphant. Because once you believe that, then you just start throwing things in your way to make it harder.
Here's how this has laid out in my life lately:
So I'm putting together my syllabus for the Playwriting course I'm teaching in a month. And I'm getting my lessons and my writing exercises and my assignments together. That's a lot of work.
But I also have a few deadlines coming up for play development opportunities. And some of these opportunities pay. Actually, ALL of them pay which is a nice thing. I have a play that I'm working on that I've been trying to finish for this East/West Players deadline. It's also the play I was going to submit for this commission at Clubbed Thumb in NYC. I've been running myself ragged to finish. The East/West thing pays $5K. The Clubbed Thumb pays $15K. And even though I don't have to have a complete play for Clubbed Thumb, I want to finish it for East/West. Then I had a revelation.
Why am I trying to rush to finish the rewrite of this play for $5K? What I should be doing is making sure the 10 page sample I have to turn in for Clubbed Thumb is the most rocking thing ever. And there are ways I'm trying to rip this play a new asshole and write something far darker, scarier and crazier than I've ever written. It's an experiment for me. So do I want to write a rushed version that fits the criteria for $5K or do I want to write something spectacular in 10 pages that really pushes my boundaries for $15K?
That's when I realized...why am I working so hard?
I can turn in the play that was a finalist for the O'Neill this year, which is done and polished. And that might even have a BETTER chance at winning the 5K. Plus if I turned in the play I'm finishing and I got BOTH, then I'd have to decide between 5K and 15K because both are supposed to be world premieres. Of course, that's a high class problem. But if I did have it, I'd be out 5K. But if I got both and the two plays were different, then I'd have 20K. So again...why work so hard to cheat myself out of a pay off? And then I'd have TWO plays out there for world premieres in the next 12 months.
Plus I can just do my submissions tomorrow, so I'm putting some good productive ACTIVE energy out there. And all the times I've done that lately, it's paid off BIG TIME. So I'm going to do my East West Submission and another submission for the Marin Theatre Company with the same play. And with the Marin Theatre Company submission, I believe I can still have a play that has had a professional reading, but not a production. So if I also get the East West thing, I can do BOTH because one is a reading and one is the possibility of a production. So that would be ANOTHER $2500.
So by NOT working as hard, I can increase my chances of earning $22.5K. Holy moley! I like this not working hard thing.
But it just teaches me that my original instinct is to make myself work harder, maybe rush something and decrease my payoff. Just for the sake of saying I WORKED HARD. The thing is that I have a play that has been a finalist for the O'Neill and it still hasn't been produced. It hasn't really been developed professionally yet. In a way, it's passive income. It's a play that's already finished and has got terrific response.
Now I can FOCUS on getting the idea for this play down. The idea for this play and where I want to go with it is a lot darker than anything I've written. I also know that I have to go to some pretty raw, deep and dark places within my own psyche and personal history. I'm not ready to do that in an entire play right now. I don't think I've had enough distance yet. But I can pour that into TEN PAGES. And by the time I get this commission, I'll be ready to dive deep and get dark, dirty and nasty with this play. I'll be ready to cover this play in my creative semen...metaphorically bukkake the shit out of it. So it's also buying me some time.
And that seems a lot less intimidating, which is the whole reason I've been procrastinating and putting off finishing it. But I also want to get a bit experimental on this shit.
And by the time I'm ready to work on this commission, I will have seen all of this great theatre in Portland that's wild and freaky and loose. Then I will have started teaching and will be reading all of these plays that I LOVE all over again and I'll be teaching them. I will have so much inspiration and theatre energy that I'll be ready and brave enough to take this on.
I have to remember to take it easy on myself...because the hard work lies ahead of me. Why make it harder?
This is something I'm learning continually in my life...it doesn't have to be so hard. Sometimes effort is a sign of strain. And you don't have to overcome "impossible odds" to emerge triumphant. Because once you believe that, then you just start throwing things in your way to make it harder.
Here's how this has laid out in my life lately:
So I'm putting together my syllabus for the Playwriting course I'm teaching in a month. And I'm getting my lessons and my writing exercises and my assignments together. That's a lot of work.
But I also have a few deadlines coming up for play development opportunities. And some of these opportunities pay. Actually, ALL of them pay which is a nice thing. I have a play that I'm working on that I've been trying to finish for this East/West Players deadline. It's also the play I was going to submit for this commission at Clubbed Thumb in NYC. I've been running myself ragged to finish. The East/West thing pays $5K. The Clubbed Thumb pays $15K. And even though I don't have to have a complete play for Clubbed Thumb, I want to finish it for East/West. Then I had a revelation.
Why am I trying to rush to finish the rewrite of this play for $5K? What I should be doing is making sure the 10 page sample I have to turn in for Clubbed Thumb is the most rocking thing ever. And there are ways I'm trying to rip this play a new asshole and write something far darker, scarier and crazier than I've ever written. It's an experiment for me. So do I want to write a rushed version that fits the criteria for $5K or do I want to write something spectacular in 10 pages that really pushes my boundaries for $15K?
That's when I realized...why am I working so hard?
I can turn in the play that was a finalist for the O'Neill this year, which is done and polished. And that might even have a BETTER chance at winning the 5K. Plus if I turned in the play I'm finishing and I got BOTH, then I'd have to decide between 5K and 15K because both are supposed to be world premieres. Of course, that's a high class problem. But if I did have it, I'd be out 5K. But if I got both and the two plays were different, then I'd have 20K. So again...why work so hard to cheat myself out of a pay off? And then I'd have TWO plays out there for world premieres in the next 12 months.
Plus I can just do my submissions tomorrow, so I'm putting some good productive ACTIVE energy out there. And all the times I've done that lately, it's paid off BIG TIME. So I'm going to do my East West Submission and another submission for the Marin Theatre Company with the same play. And with the Marin Theatre Company submission, I believe I can still have a play that has had a professional reading, but not a production. So if I also get the East West thing, I can do BOTH because one is a reading and one is the possibility of a production. So that would be ANOTHER $2500.
So by NOT working as hard, I can increase my chances of earning $22.5K. Holy moley! I like this not working hard thing.
But it just teaches me that my original instinct is to make myself work harder, maybe rush something and decrease my payoff. Just for the sake of saying I WORKED HARD. The thing is that I have a play that has been a finalist for the O'Neill and it still hasn't been produced. It hasn't really been developed professionally yet. In a way, it's passive income. It's a play that's already finished and has got terrific response.
Now I can FOCUS on getting the idea for this play down. The idea for this play and where I want to go with it is a lot darker than anything I've written. I also know that I have to go to some pretty raw, deep and dark places within my own psyche and personal history. I'm not ready to do that in an entire play right now. I don't think I've had enough distance yet. But I can pour that into TEN PAGES. And by the time I get this commission, I'll be ready to dive deep and get dark, dirty and nasty with this play. I'll be ready to cover this play in my creative semen...metaphorically bukkake the shit out of it. So it's also buying me some time.
And that seems a lot less intimidating, which is the whole reason I've been procrastinating and putting off finishing it. But I also want to get a bit experimental on this shit.
And by the time I'm ready to work on this commission, I will have seen all of this great theatre in Portland that's wild and freaky and loose. Then I will have started teaching and will be reading all of these plays that I LOVE all over again and I'll be teaching them. I will have so much inspiration and theatre energy that I'll be ready and brave enough to take this on.
I have to remember to take it easy on myself...because the hard work lies ahead of me. Why make it harder?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Abundance
That might be another way to say that I'm super uber busy.
In the span of less than a week, I went from busy to crazed. But I have to say, I am so happy about it.
I have this play I'm supposed to finish by next Wednesday for two different theatre opportunities. Then I've got these lesson plans to do. I just finished reworking the syllabus for my Playwriting Class. But the big thing to figure out is how to pace the course. There are these oral presentations that have nothing to do with writing, but more to do with script analysis that I want to cut out to make room for some in class table work. I didn't realize it would be as tricky to get all of the work in that I want to get done. I think I can push these kids a bit harder than they're being pushed. But I also want to make sure that I don't run myself into the ground either. I want to be able to give these kids as much of myself as I can. But I just finished working out the first week of class and that was tough. And the first week is probably the lightest week of all!
And before I head up to teach, I'm going to be in Portland with my brother and his family and immersed in theatre through PICA's TBA Festival. I'm going to be all theatred out! It'll be great though. I'm really looking forward to it.
And I've got my friend Susan's baby shower to plan and my grade school get together to put together.
I honestly would rather be crazy and busy than not. So I'm happy for all of this activity. But I just need to make sure I'm finding time for myself and my own work. I've got the O'Neill deadline coming up again and since I was a finalist this year, hopefully my material will be given extra consideration. But I also need to make sure that play rocks the house. This really is the opportunity of a lifetime, to teach these students at the school where I first started writing plays. It meant so much to me to have that sort of freedom to work and if I'm being immodest, I would say that it's the work that I did with my professor that laid the template for this surge of playwriting activity to happen there.
I can't even express what this opportunity means to me. It probably won't even hit me until I get there.
But until then, I've got another ten days before this play deadline...this week is busy seeing friends and doing some networking. And then I'm off back up to Huntington Lake for Labor Day with the Drummer. Then back for a day and a half and then to Portland for a week. That will just be some good chill time. I want to relax and enjoy just seeing theatre and hanging out with the bro and the niece before life gets crazy again and my Fall really begins.
Just drinking it all in. Enjoying it all. Enjoying the time with the Drummer and being grateful that so much is coming my way. There's more to come...the greater the effort I put into everything going on, the more things will continue to pay off.
In the span of less than a week, I went from busy to crazed. But I have to say, I am so happy about it.
I have this play I'm supposed to finish by next Wednesday for two different theatre opportunities. Then I've got these lesson plans to do. I just finished reworking the syllabus for my Playwriting Class. But the big thing to figure out is how to pace the course. There are these oral presentations that have nothing to do with writing, but more to do with script analysis that I want to cut out to make room for some in class table work. I didn't realize it would be as tricky to get all of the work in that I want to get done. I think I can push these kids a bit harder than they're being pushed. But I also want to make sure that I don't run myself into the ground either. I want to be able to give these kids as much of myself as I can. But I just finished working out the first week of class and that was tough. And the first week is probably the lightest week of all!
And before I head up to teach, I'm going to be in Portland with my brother and his family and immersed in theatre through PICA's TBA Festival. I'm going to be all theatred out! It'll be great though. I'm really looking forward to it.
And I've got my friend Susan's baby shower to plan and my grade school get together to put together.
I honestly would rather be crazy and busy than not. So I'm happy for all of this activity. But I just need to make sure I'm finding time for myself and my own work. I've got the O'Neill deadline coming up again and since I was a finalist this year, hopefully my material will be given extra consideration. But I also need to make sure that play rocks the house. This really is the opportunity of a lifetime, to teach these students at the school where I first started writing plays. It meant so much to me to have that sort of freedom to work and if I'm being immodest, I would say that it's the work that I did with my professor that laid the template for this surge of playwriting activity to happen there.
I can't even express what this opportunity means to me. It probably won't even hit me until I get there.
But until then, I've got another ten days before this play deadline...this week is busy seeing friends and doing some networking. And then I'm off back up to Huntington Lake for Labor Day with the Drummer. Then back for a day and a half and then to Portland for a week. That will just be some good chill time. I want to relax and enjoy just seeing theatre and hanging out with the bro and the niece before life gets crazy again and my Fall really begins.
Just drinking it all in. Enjoying it all. Enjoying the time with the Drummer and being grateful that so much is coming my way. There's more to come...the greater the effort I put into everything going on, the more things will continue to pay off.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Continued Amazement
A few things are amazing me this morning. I'm amazed that I got up this morning at 5:30 AM to go with my father to buy fresh roasted New Mexico Chiles. Apparently, it's this "thing" that only happens once a year. And now I'm getting some internet time in before I head out to the Borders going out of business sale.
But what really amazes me these days are two things:
1) My life. I think about how different things were 9 1/2 months ago. I mean, that's the whole point of this blog, right? One action started this whole revolution. I broke up with someone I really loved, but who was so destructive and bad for me. (It's much easier to say that now than it was when I first started this blog. I was protecting him, but also not being totally honest with myself.) Then I ended a job that had kept me shackled for seven years. Then I started a new job that I LOVED for five months. Then that ended. Then I decided to take the rest of the year off to leave myself open to new possibilities. And even if those new possibilities just meant that I was writing every day and didn't have to go into an office and that I just focused on me - that was enough. But then life had other plans. Once you clear away all of the "noise" (I'm borrowing that term from Bethenny Frankel's book, A Place of Yes, which I actually bought and read), then you're free and clear to see and hear the plans that the universe has for you.
And that other plan was also started by one simple action. When I decided that I was going to take the rest of the year "off" (I love that I thought I'd be taking time off because my unemployment has been totally a time of busyness and business), I decided that I was going to take these three trips: Portland to see my bro, Santa Clara/SF to see if they had a need to have me come up and do a workshop and NYC to do some theatre networking. It was just an idea that popped into my head. Why don't I see if I can do a workshop since I had time on my hands. That lead to an opportunity to sub for one class. And then this week I got the call that the professor actually had to drop out. And they wanted me to teach in the Fall.
So here I am prepping to teach a class as a college professor.
So the fact that life is continuing to show me great things is amazing. But that's only because I'm leaving myself open to the possibility. And not trying too hard to know everything my life will be in the next six months. It's definitely a big step for me to just keep doing things to make things happen, but not laying a load of expectation on top of that.
2) The Drummer - The Drummer continues to amaze me. He's just a cool guy who speaks from his heart and operates from his gut. He's a guy who says what's on his mind and has wonderful things to say. I admire him for his honesty. But what touched me the other day was when I was talking about my brother and how he said he was happy for me that I'm teaching in the Fall. My brother is in a PhD program and had said that he isn't great at teaching and it's something he wants to get better at. And I had mentioned that it was nice that we had something in common. We have a lot in common, but the narrative growing up was about how different we both are. And then The Drummer said, "Yeah, but you're the special one in the family." I replied that Chris and I have both done some great things. But he grabbed my face and said, "I know. But you're the special one in your family. I can tell." And it was just one of those moments, besides getting a complement, where I felt that he saw something in me that he appreciated and was attracted to. It's great when someone acknowledges you. He seems so patient and loving that sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy one. But again, that's all noise. And I've got a lot of noise lately about the attention from him. But of course that's all I ever wanted from the Ex. I'm learning to turn that noise down so that I can continue to hear the things that the Universe is trying to tell me.
The Drummer has been nothing but encouraging of what this opportunity will unlock and he believes that it will take me where I need to go. I feel supported.
But what really amazes me these days are two things:
1) My life. I think about how different things were 9 1/2 months ago. I mean, that's the whole point of this blog, right? One action started this whole revolution. I broke up with someone I really loved, but who was so destructive and bad for me. (It's much easier to say that now than it was when I first started this blog. I was protecting him, but also not being totally honest with myself.) Then I ended a job that had kept me shackled for seven years. Then I started a new job that I LOVED for five months. Then that ended. Then I decided to take the rest of the year off to leave myself open to new possibilities. And even if those new possibilities just meant that I was writing every day and didn't have to go into an office and that I just focused on me - that was enough. But then life had other plans. Once you clear away all of the "noise" (I'm borrowing that term from Bethenny Frankel's book, A Place of Yes, which I actually bought and read), then you're free and clear to see and hear the plans that the universe has for you.
And that other plan was also started by one simple action. When I decided that I was going to take the rest of the year "off" (I love that I thought I'd be taking time off because my unemployment has been totally a time of busyness and business), I decided that I was going to take these three trips: Portland to see my bro, Santa Clara/SF to see if they had a need to have me come up and do a workshop and NYC to do some theatre networking. It was just an idea that popped into my head. Why don't I see if I can do a workshop since I had time on my hands. That lead to an opportunity to sub for one class. And then this week I got the call that the professor actually had to drop out. And they wanted me to teach in the Fall.
So here I am prepping to teach a class as a college professor.
So the fact that life is continuing to show me great things is amazing. But that's only because I'm leaving myself open to the possibility. And not trying too hard to know everything my life will be in the next six months. It's definitely a big step for me to just keep doing things to make things happen, but not laying a load of expectation on top of that.
2) The Drummer - The Drummer continues to amaze me. He's just a cool guy who speaks from his heart and operates from his gut. He's a guy who says what's on his mind and has wonderful things to say. I admire him for his honesty. But what touched me the other day was when I was talking about my brother and how he said he was happy for me that I'm teaching in the Fall. My brother is in a PhD program and had said that he isn't great at teaching and it's something he wants to get better at. And I had mentioned that it was nice that we had something in common. We have a lot in common, but the narrative growing up was about how different we both are. And then The Drummer said, "Yeah, but you're the special one in the family." I replied that Chris and I have both done some great things. But he grabbed my face and said, "I know. But you're the special one in your family. I can tell." And it was just one of those moments, besides getting a complement, where I felt that he saw something in me that he appreciated and was attracted to. It's great when someone acknowledges you. He seems so patient and loving that sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy one. But again, that's all noise. And I've got a lot of noise lately about the attention from him. But of course that's all I ever wanted from the Ex. I'm learning to turn that noise down so that I can continue to hear the things that the Universe is trying to tell me.
The Drummer has been nothing but encouraging of what this opportunity will unlock and he believes that it will take me where I need to go. I feel supported.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Back to College?
So I got an email from the head of the department at Santa Clara University, where I did my undergrad. I'm scheduled to sub for the playwriting professor in October. Well, as it turns out, the professor has to drop out of teaching for the Fall. And the Head asked me if I was interested in taking over for him.
What?
Visions of me in various Fall ensembles passed before my eyes like my life.
Then I emailed her back and said I was definitely interested. Pero, claro que si! (But of course!) Of course I had questions about time, money, etc. And then I thought: "Could I actually do this? Should I do this?"
I called the Drummer to ask his advice. Not because I was concerned about the state of our dating life, but because he also teaches. He was immediately encouraging of it. He said almost right away, "You HAVE to do this." Flashback to the Ex--He would have never been supportive of this because it's in a different city and it would mean that our relationship would be jeopardized, in his mind. Of course, this is not the truth, but he always had me hanging on thinking that anything I did separate from him meant that I was disloyal. I know it's only been five weeks with the Drummer, but he had no issue whatsoever. I like this guy. Well, that's clear. But I like him for sure for saying that.
And as far as "we" go, I'm going to commute back and forth mainly because my Dad's still fragile and my Mom's going to need my help. He also said something beautiful. He said that teaching only reinforces what you already know. It gives you the confidence that you know as much as you do and it also reminds you of what you know so that you can go and continue to do it better. Gosh, that guy just keeps surprising me with how amazing he is. That was the most touching thing he could have said to me. Besides telling me I should go and give this a shot because it will clearly lead to other things. And he said that for potential employers, it's better to be the guy who shows on his resume that he's made effort versus laid around for a year. And while that isn't true and I've been very busy, that's how it will look on paper. So I understand that.
I had applied for teaching jobs last year for this Fall and nothing came of it. But now I have the chance to put something on my resume. And I actually could still be teaching this Fall, in about a month. That's wild. On my old college campus with my professors as my peers. This is all incredibly strange. But strangely wonderful as well.
As this whole year has been, this is just another part of the great lesson of this post-breakup time. I have to go back for something. . Much like I'm dealing with my father and his health and going back into my childhood, there are things about Santa Clara that I'm not done with yet. I have to give back somehow and reconnect with the person I was back then.
I'm very much looking forward to the adventure..
What?
Visions of me in various Fall ensembles passed before my eyes like my life.
Then I emailed her back and said I was definitely interested. Pero, claro que si! (But of course!) Of course I had questions about time, money, etc. And then I thought: "Could I actually do this? Should I do this?"
I called the Drummer to ask his advice. Not because I was concerned about the state of our dating life, but because he also teaches. He was immediately encouraging of it. He said almost right away, "You HAVE to do this." Flashback to the Ex--He would have never been supportive of this because it's in a different city and it would mean that our relationship would be jeopardized, in his mind. Of course, this is not the truth, but he always had me hanging on thinking that anything I did separate from him meant that I was disloyal. I know it's only been five weeks with the Drummer, but he had no issue whatsoever. I like this guy. Well, that's clear. But I like him for sure for saying that.
And as far as "we" go, I'm going to commute back and forth mainly because my Dad's still fragile and my Mom's going to need my help. He also said something beautiful. He said that teaching only reinforces what you already know. It gives you the confidence that you know as much as you do and it also reminds you of what you know so that you can go and continue to do it better. Gosh, that guy just keeps surprising me with how amazing he is. That was the most touching thing he could have said to me. Besides telling me I should go and give this a shot because it will clearly lead to other things. And he said that for potential employers, it's better to be the guy who shows on his resume that he's made effort versus laid around for a year. And while that isn't true and I've been very busy, that's how it will look on paper. So I understand that.
I had applied for teaching jobs last year for this Fall and nothing came of it. But now I have the chance to put something on my resume. And I actually could still be teaching this Fall, in about a month. That's wild. On my old college campus with my professors as my peers. This is all incredibly strange. But strangely wonderful as well.
As this whole year has been, this is just another part of the great lesson of this post-breakup time. I have to go back for something. . Much like I'm dealing with my father and his health and going back into my childhood, there are things about Santa Clara that I'm not done with yet. I have to give back somehow and reconnect with the person I was back then.
I'm very much looking forward to the adventure..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)