Grieving in Real Time

My Dad died last year and I have often thought about how I would deal with that in my writing.  At one time, I had thought about writing a play about the family who is around when someone is dying.  Complete with cockroaches, which we had a complete infestation of during the time my Dad was dying at home.  It seems like an impossible task.

But Luis Alfaro wrote a one-man show about it less than a year after his Dad died.  It's called St. Jude, after the hospital he was in here in LA.  And this is not a review, so that's as much recap as I'm getting into here.  The bravery that Luis showed in this one man performance was so great and captivating.  It was a raw experience and also conversational, fun and entertaining.

I have no idea how he did that.  He got on stage and bared his soul.  He's still grieving, but he actively shared his grieving with us.  It was remarkable because it wasn't acting at all.  It was pure sharing and exposure.

I like to write about things I have experienced or feel or have a close relationship to.  And some people have accused me of oversharing on my blogs (not on this one...yet).  But I can't imagine talking about how my Dad died with a group of strangers.  Especially when I'm still processing it.  It has been over a year and I'm still processing.  But I get the instinct because part of me wanted to start writing a play about it as it was happening.  For someone who writes to make sense of his world, this made a world of sense to me.

I love theatre when it's really alive.  When it follows that campfire storytelling tradition and when the writer/performer is telling you something he really thinks you need to know for continuing on the journey of life.  I have relatives like that who, when they are talking to you, are looking directly into your soul and giving you a tool for the arsenal.

I got to meet him after the show.  We're both Latino playwrights, but have never met.  My friend Kelly introduced us because she felt we should know each other.  And I'm glad she did.  He's from the same neck of the woods I'm from.  He knows my hometown very well.  It was just a good share.  Like in AA or Al-Anon.  "Good share, pal.  Good share."

I'm still thinking about it today because I was in awe of it.  It was so simple.  It was so pure.  It was the right amount of everything.  We put so many bells and whistles onto things because maybe we're scared of sharing.  Maybe we're scared that we won't be enough.  But it was a moment in that theatre where Luis was testifying that it was enough to share what had happened to him and how his father's death had an impact.  It wasn't manipulative at all.  That might have been the most impressive part of all.

The Plan

The plan is:

To get an agent by October.
To get this pilot FUSION sold by October.
To make The Snake Charmer reading brilliant and to put together the Open reading by October.
To get The Snake Charmer produced by Rogue Machine.
To self produce Open by Winter 2014.
To win the Clubbed Thumb Commission 2014 and get the $15K and continue to freelance.
To go to Austin to work with Alanna on these sketches.
To go to Portland to work on this MFA proposal.
To get I WANT IT produced by Portland Center Stage.

That's my plan.  And I'm working on it.  Through actions and intentions.

A Direction, Not The Direction

Just as much as I'm practicing the principles of LETTING GO and SAYING YES, encompassed with that is the principle of SURRENDERING.  I have always had an idea of the direction I want to go in and have pursued that with energy and vision.  That has served me well, but what I'm trying to practice now is surrender.  Oprah Winfrey says, "When you've done everything you possibly can, just surrender it to the Universe."

I'm looking at my calendar and it's indicating a certain direction.  It may not be the direction, but it's a direction.

Today I have a conference call about a play that's being read in DC next month.  We're going to discuss what I want from the reading and what's still troubling me about the play.  Thursday, I have another discussion with a local theatre company about the same play to discuss what the play is about and what I'm trying to achieve.   Then on Saturday, my writers group is getting together and I'm supposed to be presenting new pages.

Next week I have dinner with a literary manager at South Coast Rep.  Then the holiday party for the Playwrights group I'm a member of, which will include a lot of theatre professionals and other writers.  Then that weekend I'm attending three new play readings.

In January, I'm doing a mini-workshop of a play I wrote this year.  Then I'm going back to Santa Clara to guest lecture on the business of getting representation.  Hopefully, I can get some meetings set up with some necessary folks in the Communications and English departments re: me teaching there again.    

And in February, I'm going back to Santa Clara for another lecture.

Is that the direction, I should be going in.  I don't know.  But I do know that my calendar is filled with a lot of theatre and education related events.  So I'm just going to keep going forward and fill my time in between with the writing I need to be doing.  And we'll just take it from there.

50 Gratitudes in One Day

I have a bunch of friends who have been doing 50 Days of Gratitude.  I like to challenge myself.  I'm going to do a speed round of 50 Gratitudes in One Day.  Is gratitudes a word?  No matter.

In no particular order.

50. A new single by Solange Knowles.  I'm listening to "Lovers in the Parking Lot" from her new EP Pure.  Listening to it off the NPR website.
49. Days where I can just lay around and let my mind wander.  I've had two of those this month.
48. Tony Asaro.  We're finally working on a project together.  More info to come.
47. Workouts.  I'm working out three days a week consistently and it's starting to pay off.
46. Tea.  I love tea.  All sorts of tea.  It soothes me.  Right now I'm kicking it old school with Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea.  Been drinking it since I was a wee lad.
45. My boyfriend's blue eyes.  Been looking into them for sixteen and a half months and counting.
44. My MacBook.  I inherited it from my sister in law at a time when I really needed it.
43. Taquitos, Enchiladas, Posole and Tamales: the Mexican food I learned to make from my Mexican grandmother and my Chinese father.
42. Pepe's No. 2: While we're on the subject.  My faves are the chorizo and papas burrito, the green chile pork burrito with rice, nachos, tostadas and the carne asada soft tacos.
41. Day trips.  The boyfriend has reintroduced them to me.  My Dad used to take us on little day road trips all the time when we were young.
40. My students at Santa Clara University.  I haven't taught there in a year, but I spent the better part of the past 12 months being inspired by them as I taught and directed them.
39. Veronica Gonzalez.  She's not on Facebook, so she won't see this.  But I love the dinners she cooks with her fiance (and my college floor mate) James.  And I love it when we drink...
38. Manhattans.  Oh dear Jesus.
37. Thanksgiving.  It's here again.  I love it.
36. My therapist.  He's helping.
35. DVR. Right now we've got episodes of The New Normal, Nashville, Anthony Bourdain (both The Layover and No Reservations), The Latino List I and II, Glee, The Voice and Game Change.
34. Pretzel Time.  Jeff knows what I mean.
33. Rogue Machine Theatre.  I'm getting to know them very well.
32. Productivity.  I wrote a new play this year.  I wrote a spec episode of Glee for submissions.  I have a pilot that I'm rewriting.  A pilot I wrote a shitty first draft of.  A one act musical I wrote and saw produced this past summer.  My blog I'm maintaining.  Two pilots that I am currently outlining.  Not bragging, just happy to be busy.
31. Life.  My Dad died this year.  So I'm grateful to still be here.
30.  My boyfriend's stamina.
29. Regular meetings with Larry Pontius.  We get to talk about what we're working on.  It makes me accountable and it's the whole reason for item 32.
28. A shaved head.  Less time getting ready in the morning.  Has made me look both more mature and younger at the same time.  Love THAT trick.
27. Crazy nights out in West Hollywood.  I can appreciate them now that they are no longer routine and now that they only happen once in a blue moon.
26. Time.  However I spend it.
25. Tour.  The boyfriend has been going out on tour for the past three months in a row.  It's sad for him to be gone, but it's great time for us to realize how much we value each other.
24. Sleep.  I love it.
23. Twenty minutes of quiet time a day.  I don't get it every day or often enough, but I'm grateful when I get it.
22. NPR and MSNBC.  Because I'm that guy and proud of it.
21. Our president.  And the fact that he's been re-elected.
20. Family.  My bro and my Mom and my niece and nephew and sister in law.
19. Madonna.
18. The last three months of my Dad's life when I was at my parents' home caretaking.  I learned more about myself in those three months.
17. The Playwrights Union and the folks I've met there.  They're giving me a community out here in LA that I'm happy to be a part of.
16. Jerry, Carolyn, Jeff and Kristin: my colleagues from SCU who keep me inspired and want me to come back.  The fact that two of them were also my mentors when I was a student there makes me think it would be fun to go back.
15. Documentaries.  I love them.  I just watched the David Geffen American Masters documentary that was on PBS last night.
14. Theatre.  I want to do more of it.
13. My loud mouth.  It usually gets me into trouble, but this year it helped me protect someone I love and made me realize it can be used for good instead of evil.  :)
12. Friends.  Especially the ones who have lost a parent and made it easier because they understood in a way other people couldn't.
11. Cafe Gratitude.  Because I like a raw vegan meal every once in a while.
10. Korean Spas.  Because sometimes it's nice to relax and sometimes it's nice to relax with others.
9. Cleanses.  They have kept me free from getting colds for the past two years.
8. Running.  It clears my head.
7. Words.
6. Five and a half hour drives to and from the Bay Area.  No radio.  Just me and my thoughts.  So good.
5. In N Out burgers.
4. Music.  And musicians.  And one drummer in particular.
3. Pool time at Vic and Steve's during the summer.
2. Psyllium husk powder.  Keeps things moving.
1. The wisdom that comes with age.

Saying Yes to WRITING THEATRE

I have always had an identity crisis.  When I was in grad school, all of my professors told me that I should write in TV.  And truthfully, I love that idea.  I have loved television my whole life.  One of my earliest memories was watching a TV show growing up and wanting to be the person who was in charge of saying what was going to happen in the stories.  So I guess one of my earliest instincts was to be a writer, although I had no idea what that meant.  I used to tape TV show theme songs and perform puppet shows for my 3rd and 4th grade class where the puppets would lip sync the theme songs.

But I started writing plays in college because I loved the interaction of writers, directors and actors.  I was a wannabe theatre guy when I got to SCU.  I thought the theatre people were so strange and interesting.  And that's where I wanted to be.  Fortunately, I had several professors who encouraged this in me.  So I wrote plays and went to graduate school and studied writing plays, as well as film and TV. But the theatre world hasn't made me a star yet.  So most of my time post grad school I have felt like a failure.  I've written some wonderful plays in that time.  But since I wanted to be a star and I'm not a star, all I've felt is failure and like I didn't fit in.

I've decided to LET IT GO.  So I'm going to send my plays out like I always do.  And I'm going to write plays like I always do.  Back in February and March, I wrote a play for a writing challenge sponsored by a group I'm involved with called the Playwrights Union.  The challenge was to write a play in a month, which I did.  It was awful.  But the feedback I got was so helpful that I finally wrote the play I was meant to write  in four days.  Then I rewrote and rewrote and did a reading of it in May.  Then my best friend who was in the reading said she wanted to produce it.  YES after YES after YES. So we're working on producing it now.  We're going to do a workshop of it in January, when her schedule frees up.

I wrote a play last year called The Snake Charmer that I love.  But it hasn't been shown much love.  This week I got an email from a theatre called The Inkwell in D.C. that is going to do a reading of a section of the play as a part of a development program they run which I'm a finalist for.  Based on that reading, I'll get some help from a dramaturg to work on the next draft.  Then if that goes well, I'll do a four day intensive workshop in D.C. and if that's cool I'll get a production of it.

I've been submitting both plays to various festivals and development programs like The O'Neill, Sundance Theatre Labs, Portland Center Stage's Just Add Water festival, New Harmony, The Ground Floor at Berkeley Rep, Ojai Playwrights Festival, etc.

I knew I didn't have any plays in me for the rest of the year.  I didn't have any ideas.  I have three TV pilot ideas I am currently in various stages of writing.  So I know that I'll be occupied with that for the rest of the year.

But my friend Tony who just moved back to SF from NYC decided to start a theatre company.  And he kept saying to me that I'm on his "short list" of people to work with.  We had talked about collaborating years ago when he was in NYC.  But nothing came of it.  So now he's got this theatre company that's starting.  He teaches at SCU, so when I went up there I saw him for a few minutes.  We talked about working together.  He eventually sent me an idea he has.  It's an adaptation of a famous play and I like his take on it.  So that will be the play I'll write next year.  I'll take it to next year's writing challenge.  I'm saying YES to writing that play and getting invested in that idea and collaborating with a good friend of mine.  I'm saying YES by reading the original source material and writing up some ideas for my take on it.

And all of a sudden I feel like a playwright again.

Feeling Lost

I have been feeling a bit out of body lately.

It's no real surprise.  My Dad died three weeks ago.  I have to keep saying it for it to feel real.  And lately, I have been in a bit of a fog.  My bereavement counselor says that it's because the grieving process is working its way through me.

I have a musical I'm supposed to be writing.  I had an actor drop out.  I'm trying to get a replacement and I have not been feeling it.  I got back songs for this project that I wasn't in love with.  And it was just difficult to think about fitting songs into an idea of mine.  Or trying to write around these songs.  My head had to wrap around it a bit. 

Plus I"m supposed to be directing and running rehearsals as well.  I can't tell you how much I have NOT been feeling that.  It's going to be a great distraction and a great process.  Once I get my head in the game.  I thought for a moment that maybe this is too soon and maybe I'm pushing myself too soon.  But too late.  I've committed.  And I love a challenge.  I love theatre.  I'm trying to find my place.  So I have to give myself places to go.  Places to be.  It's when I don't have those places to be that I feel lost.

I'm at Starbucks right now near my Mom's house.  I'm spending the night here tonight because I had counseling down here today.  And my Boyfriend is recording tonight, so he won't be home until late.  So I'm feeling a bit lost because I could go over there, but then it's just the same routine.  I fall asleep.  He gets home at 2 or 3 in the morning.  We cuddle and then I get up to be productive in the morning, ruining his sleep.  Or I stay in bed until 11 or 12 and ruin my productivity.  I didn't feel like spending the mental energy on what to do.

It could just mean that I need a schedule.  I need to go to the gym x times a week and to dance class x times and to yoga x times and to the spa x times and to my Mom's x times and I need to write x times and go to the library x times and go to the beach x times.

I want my life to be more open and free.  I also need to get used to that.

Decisions, Decisions

I'm a theatre boy, through and through.  I'm housesitting for my friends in Santa Monica and I've been using their place as a bit of a writer's retreat.  So far I have 20 pages of a new pilot done that I'm supposed to have finished by Tuesday.  I think that can happen.

Well, I decided that I was going to see this play last night that I had been hearing about.  I also knew that a bunch of theatre folks I need to be in touch with were going to be there as well.  So at 6 PM I decided that I'd better go.  But then I also figured I should get some work done.  Then I wasn't feeling it.  I was tired.  I was trying to save money.  I made a bunch of excuses why I shouldn't go.  Then I started writing the pages that had been eluding me all day.  This is a sign, I thought.  Then around 7:15 I figured I wasn't going to go because I had been on a roll.  At around 7:28, with no juice left and five pages written in the past 45 minutes, I decided that I might as well head out the door and get distracted.  It wasn't far away and if there weren't tickets left, I would just go back to Santa Monica.

I show up at the Box Office at 7:45 and order a ticket.  Then I look behind me and see my high school buddy, Jeff, who I last saw at our reunion.  Kismet!  So we decide to sit together.  And then I walk into the lobby and see a bunch of theatre pals, some of whom I knew I'd see and others who were a surprise.  And some new faces as well.  It felt like community, which I love.

The show was good.  It was a lot of fun and good energy.  But the best part was just catching up with old pals.  Jeff and I made plans to see a play the following week.  My friend Kelly and I made plans to grab lunch when I'm in her neck of the woods.  She also invited me to a workshop they're doing at her theatre.  All in all good stuff.  And five pages, which became six when I got home is good for a whole day's work.  I got that done, in total, in about 90 minutes. 

Plus, all of that socializing left me motivated for today.  So I'm happy about that as well.  Let's see what happens today.

Introductions

My friend Larry (my writing wing man) and I headed down to the Pacific Playwrights Festival yesterday at South Coast Repertory in lovely Costa Mesa, CA yesterday. It's across from my fave childhood mall, South Coast Plaza. We were going as members of The Playwrights Union, an organization of LA-based theatre, film and TV writers. It actually seemed pretty cool yesterday because there were a ton of playwrights at the festival.

In years past, I used to attend as a theatre and TV professional representing the management/production company I used to work for. Then I would wedge in the fact that I was a playwright in there somewhere. Now I get to introduce myself as a playwright in a year where they are really celebrating all playwrights in attendance. After all, it is called the Pacific Playwrights Festival. We even get our own special purple badges. And artistic folk are encouraged to come up to us purple playwrights and ask about our work and ask to read it. I love it when an organization is actually organized. That never happens. But it's great to meet other theatre folk, see old friends, and be in a community in the middle of white, Republican Orange County.

But because of white Republican Orange County, a theatre festival that has been actively been pursuing new work for the past 15 years can exist and thrive. And I've always loved my white OC boys, so I can't complain too much. I have a confession to make that I will make in the middle of this paragraph so maybe it gets lost or maybe someone happens upon it: I've always wanted to work at SCR. I've sent them my plays over the years. They have always been open to that. But it's in my backyard. I grew up going to the mall (not the important fact here) across the street. And I'm a homegrown kid. I'm from Downey, CA. I'm a native. And while that's not a reason they should workshop, read or produce my work, it's a reason I would be really excited if they did. It would mean something different coming from a theatre that was essentially in my hometown. It's the same reason I want to work at Centre Theatre Group and other LA theatre companies of note (even Theatre of Note, actually).

But what's nice now is that when I introduce myself to these people, some who don't even know about my past life, I can assertively talk about my work. I can talk about the play I'm having a reading of in two weeks. I can talk about the next one I'm getting ready to write. I can talk about the play last year that was a finalist for the O'Neill. I can talk about the workshop I had last year. I'm no longer "the buyer." And while that gave me a certain level of control and clout (and a hefty expense account which I took good advantage of), it wasn't the reason I should have been at the party. I'm a writer...whatever that means to people. Even if it comes with no expense account, no business cards, nothing but just me and my sparkling personality and body of work. That's fine with me. That's the person I want to introduce to you.

Writing Buddies

It's important to have company when you do something as lonely as writing. I'm a member of The Playwrights Union, a group of like minded playwrights living in LA trying to make a go of it in all mediums. When we had our annual playwriting challenge and reading this weekend, I felt kind of taken care of.

I had coffee with my friend Larry today and we just got outside into a beautiful LA day and talked about stuff. It felt so good to just have the same language as someone else who is a playwright and thinks creatively, but also has the desire to make a living as a writer in Hollywood.

It made me think of my other writing buddies. My friend Elyzabeth, who lives in Alabama with her daughter. She's producing her own work and getting people to come see her cook and do theatre at the same time. I think about my friend Susan who I went to NYU with and who has always been a cohort of mine. Then I think of my friend Kevin who is also trying to forge a consistent TV writing career out here. He's been staffed before.

The work of the Playwrights Union made me long for my days running NYU Writers Lab West, with my good friends Susan, Aurorae, Gina and Avery. We had a great run of two years producing cool material. And it makes me want to produce more work by myself and my other friends out here. I'm good at that.

But I have to remember something The Drummer told me recently. He said that his goal as a drummer was to just focus on being good. And as much as I like to plan and orchestrate, I think that's a great plan.

Just be good.

Everything else will figure itself out as people react to how good you are.

Abundance

That might be another way to say that I'm super uber busy.

In the span of less than a week, I went from busy to crazed. But I have to say, I am so happy about it.

I have this play I'm supposed to finish by next Wednesday for two different theatre opportunities. Then I've got these lesson plans to do. I just finished reworking the syllabus for my Playwriting Class. But the big thing to figure out is how to pace the course. There are these oral presentations that have nothing to do with writing, but more to do with script analysis that I want to cut out to make room for some in class table work. I didn't realize it would be as tricky to get all of the work in that I want to get done. I think I can push these kids a bit harder than they're being pushed. But I also want to make sure that I don't run myself into the ground either. I want to be able to give these kids as much of myself as I can. But I just finished working out the first week of class and that was tough. And the first week is probably the lightest week of all!

And before I head up to teach, I'm going to be in Portland with my brother and his family and immersed in theatre through PICA's TBA Festival. I'm going to be all theatred out! It'll be great though. I'm really looking forward to it.

And I've got my friend Susan's baby shower to plan and my grade school get together to put together.

I honestly would rather be crazy and busy than not. So I'm happy for all of this activity. But I just need to make sure I'm finding time for myself and my own work. I've got the O'Neill deadline coming up again and since I was a finalist this year, hopefully my material will be given extra consideration. But I also need to make sure that play rocks the house. This really is the opportunity of a lifetime, to teach these students at the school where I first started writing plays. It meant so much to me to have that sort of freedom to work and if I'm being immodest, I would say that it's the work that I did with my professor that laid the template for this surge of playwriting activity to happen there.

I can't even express what this opportunity means to me. It probably won't even hit me until I get there.

But until then, I've got another ten days before this play deadline...this week is busy seeing friends and doing some networking. And then I'm off back up to Huntington Lake for Labor Day with the Drummer. Then back for a day and a half and then to Portland for a week. That will just be some good chill time. I want to relax and enjoy just seeing theatre and hanging out with the bro and the niece before life gets crazy again and my Fall really begins.

Just drinking it all in. Enjoying it all. Enjoying the time with the Drummer and being grateful that so much is coming my way. There's more to come...the greater the effort I put into everything going on, the more things will continue to pay off.

Back to College?

So I got an email from the head of the department at Santa Clara University, where I did my undergrad. I'm scheduled to sub for the playwriting professor in October. Well, as it turns out, the professor has to drop out of teaching for the Fall. And the Head asked me if I was interested in taking over for him.

What?

Visions of me in various Fall ensembles passed before my eyes like my life.

Then I emailed her back and said I was definitely interested. Pero, claro que si! (But of course!) Of course I had questions about time, money, etc. And then I thought: "Could I actually do this? Should I do this?"

I called the Drummer to ask his advice. Not because I was concerned about the state of our dating life, but because he also teaches. He was immediately encouraging of it. He said almost right away, "You HAVE to do this." Flashback to the Ex--He would have never been supportive of this because it's in a different city and it would mean that our relationship would be jeopardized, in his mind. Of course, this is not the truth, but he always had me hanging on thinking that anything I did separate from him meant that I was disloyal. I know it's only been five weeks with the Drummer, but he had no issue whatsoever. I like this guy. Well, that's clear. But I like him for sure for saying that.

And as far as "we" go, I'm going to commute back and forth mainly because my Dad's still fragile and my Mom's going to need my help. He also said something beautiful. He said that teaching only reinforces what you already know. It gives you the confidence that you know as much as you do and it also reminds you of what you know so that you can go and continue to do it better. Gosh, that guy just keeps surprising me with how amazing he is. That was the most touching thing he could have said to me. Besides telling me I should go and give this a shot because it will clearly lead to other things. And he said that for potential employers, it's better to be the guy who shows on his resume that he's made effort versus laid around for a year. And while that isn't true and I've been very busy, that's how it will look on paper. So I understand that.

I had applied for teaching jobs last year for this Fall and nothing came of it. But now I have the chance to put something on my resume. And I actually could still be teaching this Fall, in about a month. That's wild. On my old college campus with my professors as my peers. This is all incredibly strange. But strangely wonderful as well.

As this whole year has been, this is just another part of the great lesson of this post-breakup time. I have to go back for something. . Much like I'm dealing with my father and his health and going back into my childhood, there are things about Santa Clara that I'm not done with yet. I have to give back somehow and reconnect with the person I was back then.

I'm very much looking forward to the adventure..

Farewell Recap: My Work

As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.

But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.

TODAY'S SUBJECT:

My work

My work...meaning my writing...meaning my playwriting, I guess.

I've written some of my most affecting plays while working through a relationship or being mad at someone. I wrote a play right after grad school called DEEPER THAN THE NIGHT, which was about a relationship that was failing due to drugs, alcohol and sex. That's because I was in a relationship that felt like it was going implode any minute. Then I wrote a play about my grandmother a few years ago in which I was trying to work out my own issues with my Dad. And now I've got THE SNAKE CHARMER, which has a lot of stuff in it that's influenced by the ex.

I always say that I write in order to understand my world...it's my lens through which things get filtered. It's always better when I have real source material in my own life or when I can find that. I've been writing this blog in order to help me understand all of the changes that have been happening in the past 8 months. And anything I write usually has some sort of theme that runs through it that's consistent with what I've written before. or I'm going through something, which is kind of what's happening with THE SNAKE CHARMER.

In this play, I'm basically writing about objectification - what happens when the image of something becomes more important to a person than the thing or person or situation itself. I believe this happened during my relationship. The idea of a boyfriend was greater than my ex actually having me in his life. The companionship was comforting and having someone with my pedigree and my physical appearance reflected well on him. But the work of the relationship - the trust, the day to day, the emotional component - became too hard. For both of us. He's not the only one to blame for that. And the play's also about imbalance - whether that's due to race or class or station in life or age even. All of these things have resonance in my life, both in the recent past and in the distant past as well.

I'm in the process of editing the play right now so I can send it to some theatres this month. And what I'm listening for is how true the characters' voices and the situations ring for me. And I feel I have a lot of places to draw from.

My approach to my work has changed since the break up. I have had a strong need to get back in a rehearsal room and be around a community of actors. So that's what we did with this most recent workshop. And I feel the need to be closer to my playwriting work, to devote more time consciously to it because that's where I feel my voice sings. I've been so worried about making a name and making money that I really have not been paying attention to my creative voice. I've had the ear of people who aren't creative who are trying to advise me that I've keeping away the voices of people who are supportive and who do care about me. And a good majority of those people are theatre people. I want to do the work and be involved in it - that matters more than money to me. Although making money is a completely separate endeavor. They are not mutually exclusive ideas, but I can't try to get from film and TV what I NEED from theatre. That I've learned...and it has taken me a long time to learn that lesson. But I think I'll be happier because of it.

There's one thing I've always hated and that's writers talking about writing. However, given the changes that have gone on this entire year, my work has become more important than ever. Not just for distraction sake, but it's my voice. And the running theme has been to pay more attention to MY voice. It's also the lens through which I understand my surroundings. And that has been more important than ever. I've got another workshop of a play called CURSE OF THE ASIAN CHILD coming up in the Fall. And I'm hoping to get back to another play that I wrote about cancer and tiger penises. And there's this play I've been dying to write for over a year about a band sitting down to make their next album. And I'm looking for collaborators to do that with because I do want to include original music. So there's a lot of work to do, work that will keep me busy at least for the next year. And after that, I have no other ideas, but I feel I need to get these ideas funneled through so that I can then start incubating the next ideas that will enter my head.

But THE SNAKE CHARMER has legs...I know that. And the ASIAN CHILD play's got some bite to it as well. I'm very excited about both of those because they're hefty subject matter. The ASIAN CHILD play is so dark that it's got to be funny. It's just too dark not to be. But it's also painful and sweet and sad. I've got a draft of it that is okay. It got some good response when I sent it out a little while ago. Each child is different. Some of my children tend to be a little quirky and weird...they've got various dance elements to them. And some of the kids are more straight forward. Some are funny and some are dead serious...THE SNAKE CHARMER is probably the least funny play I've ever written. It's got a different kind of charm. But it's exactly what it has to be.

So to recap in the recap: My Work goes on and gets deeper as I get deeper.

Whoa...that's deep.

Writers are Babies

And I'm one of them. I admit it. Wholeheartedly.

Now. Before this experience of writing this new play, I always tried to be "mature" and not get upset. Now I just take that as a sign that I'm GIVING. Of course I take it personally. It's my guts out there for judgment.

I had a play reading last night of a new play I wrote called THE SNAKE CHARMER, which takes place over three different time periods: 1868, 1978 and 2011. It has an extremely talented painter who's obsessed with a new subject. It's got a closeted go-go dancer and his crushed out best friend. And an art history teacher who meets a student who breathes new life into her world. Lots of criss crossing, ricocheting and rebounding of characters, actors and time periods.

Watching the play last night I had no idea I had put so many personal things into it. I mean...I obviously knew I was dealing with some things that are personal...but watching it all in one sitting with an audience made it clear. I felt very exposed.

But it was a good kind of exposure because I've gotten a lot of comments and positive feedback from friends. My friend Susan said that my writing has matured and that I'm growing up as a writer. My friends Gina and Aurorae said the coolest things about the play and the themes it brought up. My friend Karen was impressed and called some of the intersecting "genius."

What? Crazy.

But this is what I've decided. I'm not doing this unless I can be vulnerable. Because life's not worth living if you're not going to give your all. As much as it was uncomfortable at the time, being in a rehearsal room with a bunch of actors and really tearing apart something that I had written...the end result was amazing. And not just because of compliments. This is a play that means something to me. It's not something I wrote because I'm trying to get a job. This is something that has come out of me. And I don't want to write something unless it has meaning for me.

It's just not worth it. This blog (as I'm wrapping it up soon) has meaning for me. It's not fluff. It's what's going on with my life on a minute by minute basis. It's the sublime to the ridiculous, but it's all me.

And I've just been writing things lately that don't have that sort of meaning for me. The plays, yes. But the TV stuff just doesn't mean anything to me. I want to work as a TV writer and make a living that way, but writing samples solely for the purpose of just selling...not interesting. Those have to have meaning too.

But right now I'm just writing the things that have meaning. I've got another reading/workshop coming up soon in the fall for this play I've been dying to get back to that's all about various Asian stereotypes, but not in a broad way...but in a very serious way. Although, there are darkly comedic moments to it as well. But it's a good old fashioned one room family drama in the tradition of an O'Neill play. Kind of.

And I'm sure because there's so much that's personal about that play that I'll be a baby about that one as well.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Writing

It's funny. I have written three drafts of this new play in five weeks and on a day that I'm supposed to be taking a break, I decide that I have to write more blog entries. I feel lost if I'm not writing. It's how I make my way throughout this world. It's like not walking. I have to get exercise.

I was driving down California in Pasadena today and something about that street really moves me. It's idyllic, of course. The tree lined streets and the big houses. But I can really calm down. It quiets me, I suppose.

I started writing when I was in the seventh grade. My teacher, Miss Russell, a very fat woman who could have been an unhappy lesbian, encouraged us to start writing fiction. At the time I was into comic books: The X-Men and the Fantastic Four especially. I really responded to the family drama aspect of it, although I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to articulate that at the time. I loved that these people had superpowers and still reacted to life as normal people would - with motivation, with their own personal issues and sometimes they wouldn't make the best decisions. I liked the human aspect of these comic books.

Then Mr. Molinelli encouraged me to write when I took his fiction writing class. Then Alyce Miller in college loved one of my short stories and it was published in the Santa Clara review probably my sophomore year. Then I discovered plays. I loved the theatre but I was a shitty actor. And I was an okay dancer at the time, but I loved to write. And the most amazing human being named Erik Ehn came to my school to teach me. And he changed my life. I became a playwright at the tender age of 20.

And since then I've done a lot of writing. I've written plays and I've gone to grad school and I got interested in TV. Then I started writing lots of specs. Will and Grace, Sex and the City, The Bernie Mac Show, Two and a Half Men, Entourage, The New Adventures of Old Christine, The Office, 30 Rock, and Modern Family. And countless spec pilots. On and on and on...

For a while writing wasn't about how I saw the world. It was a way to make money. To get known to get opportunities to write what I care about. Then I wrote a play called "On the Subject of Lilla" about my grandmother and my Dad and an abusive relationship that started out in one generation and affected another relationship between father and daughter years later. People loved it. My ex loved it. My friends loved it but no one wanted to produce it. So I went back to try and do the TV thing.

Then one day years later I realized that I had about two or three play ideas stockpiled that I had put off because I was working on TV spec pilots that weren't seeing the light of day. So I wrote a play called "Curse of the Asian Child" that was about a woman who had sex with her teenage son years earlier and what happens when her other children, now adults, find out. Then I wrote an adaptation of Medea I had an idea for in grad school. Then I wrote another play about a man's search to find the animal who had given him his life back after cancer and it was called "Endanger'd Species." All of those are sitting in a drawer somewhere. But I had written them over the course of a year.

Then I had this idea for a play based on a painting I saw. "The Snake Charmer" by Jean-Leon Gerome. The image of a young naked brown boy from the back holding a snake and trying to make money as older men sat entertained seemed to affect something in me. So then I made up a story about a 17-year-old Jersey kid who dances for money in New York in 1978. And a story about an art history professor and her Mexican student from East LA. I threw in a fictionalized account of Gerome becoming obsessed with the subject of his painting. And that reading is happening on Monday.

When it came time for me to submit material to the O'Neill Playwrights Festival last year, "The Snake Charmer" wasn't done. So I decided to send in "Lilla" even though it was an older play but one I had never submitted to the O'Neill. Then it became a finalist. And it was because I didn't get into the O'Neill that I decided I wanted to be in a room working on a play with a bunch of actors and a director. So I gave myself a deadline and I wrote the play starting on May 20th. Then turned in a finished draft to my director around June 9th or 10th. Then we read it, I took notes. Got notes from Casey, my director. Wrote a new draft up to page 99 and turned it in the following week. And while I was working on it, my father was admitted to the hospital because of his chronic congestive heart failure and kidney problems. His lungs were filling with fluid. Then I had rehearsal and it went poorly. The modern storyline still wasn't working. I cried after rehearsal because it felt like my world was crumbling. But something had stirred in me after my breakdown and it was with renewed focus that I started draft number three. And that's what we're going in with tomorrow.

Then in the Fall I'm going to workshop "Curse of the Asian Child" at this NYU Grad Actors Showcase. With one of my fave actresses and an all Asian cast. So I'll start that rewrite right after we finish our workshop with this play. Then there's the play I want to write about a band writing an album. And I need to go back to Endanger'd Species at some point.

I was also working on this Art Thieves Pilot in the winter and spring that I did six drafts of. But I'm just not happy with it. So I might make that a different pilot about superheroes.

I'm learning to see the world again through my writing. It's not like I don't want to make a living at it, but more than that I want my life to be enriched because of my writing. That's ultimately more important and I believe that encompasses the same goals I had before and more.

I hate writers who write about writing...but look at me, I just did it. Raspberries!

Breakdown

My Dad's been in the hospital for the past week almost and it's taken a bit of a toll. I had my high school reunion and I had a play rehearsal then on Sunday. I was a bit hung over, but also a bit sad due to the recent turn of events.

So when it came time to work in rehearsal and something wasn't working, I kind of lost it a bit on the inside. Then when I went to talk to my director after rehearsal, I lost it on the street.

Funny how sensitive we get when we're faced with life's trials. I always try to maintain a professional distance from everything. But when people said harsh, yet correct things about my play, I took it so personally. Like I was an idiot and like my actors and director thought I was a racist, bigoted, small-minded limited human being,which is the last thing in the world I want to give the impression of. In fact, I try to pride myself on the exact opposite. However, it just wasn't happening. I let everything get to me and I took everything personally.

For me, with my Dad in the hospital, I needed rehearsal to be a refuge. And what it was was a rehearsal and I have a section of my play that doesn't work. It was tough and difficult.

But I needed that breakthrough moment. I needed a moment to just release the hurt and pain and worry I was feeling regarding my Dad. But at the same time, I thought it was exactly the thing that needed to happen. I need to look at this part of the play and fix it and this breakdown or breakthrough might have been exactly the thing to push me.

Need to redirect my emotions.

Reunions: Theatre

The Theatre Communications Group's annual Conference is being held in Los Angeles this year. It's a bit funny that LA is the location for over a thousand theatre professionals to gather and talk the state of the American Theatre. But I'm happy to have them here. This is the group I used to see once a year at the Humana Festival of New American Plays which is held at the Actors Theatre of Louisville. It was my annual trip to get away and geek out on theatre once a year.

This year I was a bit bummed that I didn't get to go, but really happy that I wasn't at my old job. That sadness quickly subsided when I realized that I now get to talk about theatre all of the time because I'm going to more shows and I'm workshopping a new play currently. All of this has happened since the break up. More room for the things I love.

But it'll be fun to see my peeps in my hometown and also to let them know what I'm up to theatre-wise. It's my coming out party! Okay, maybe it's a national gathering, but I choose to see it as my personal coming out party!

Theatre has played such a big part in my own search for identity, starting in high school and continuing through college where I wrote my first plays and grad school where I wrote more plays. Because I'm in LA I've largely ignored that impulse and have only averaged one play every two years. But I'm working on a brand new play now and last year I wrote three new full length plays. I've got an idea for another new play that I want to start as well. I've got this workshop that we started last week and more rehearsal this weekend. I'm at a Starbucks working on the rewrite for this new play that we're presenting as a reading at the end of the month.

I've never felt more like a playwright than I do right now. And it'll be great to see my theatre peeps and geek out yet again.

Giving Birth

Yesterday, we had the first rehearsal for my new play, THE SNAKE CHARMER. We're doing a workshop this month that will culminate in a reading in two weeks.

Oy. That hurt. In a "hurt so good" way. But also in a "ouch, you're ripping my asshole" way.

But that's giving birth. My friend Dave made the recent remark that while heterosexuals are here to procreate, us gays also serve an important purpose. While we cannot biologically give birth to children, it is our duty and purpose to give birth to culture, to move our society forward. I like that this statement fills me with a sense of purpose. If this is my life's vocation, then so be it. I will do it proudly. And I will still have time and money to travel and live my life without having to figure out a feeding schedule or babysitters or what time little Johnny needs to be picked up from soccer practice.

Not that I'm against giving birth. I'm all for it. I'm here because of it. My niece Sela is here because of it. And she's the coolest advocate for a heterosexual lifestyle I've seen in a long time.

But as I was sitting in rehearsal at that first read through yesterday, I just kept my head down as I cringed at some of the language. As I cried at something I wrote. I figured I should keep my head down in case the group thought I was too impressed with something I wrote.

It's a great thing...this writing thing that I do. It's pretty awesome. It's nice to have a voice, to be able to say things publicly.

And now I go about the process of shaping this new child of mine.

In the OC: Playwrights and Me

This weekend was the 14th Annual Pacific Playwrights Festival held at South Coast Rep. I have been going every year for the past five or six years. I went with my old boss. It was usually this weekend where I let go. I was able to speak my mind and be the smart theatre professional I have always been, but had suppressed. This was also one of the weekends where I could be the me I always suppressed. That usually meant making out with strange boys.

This year I had nothing to hide behind. Nothing I was escaping. I was out of both of those relationships. What could possibly be exciting now? :)

It started when I had arranged for my tickets a couple of weeks ago and my friend Kimberly, who's the festival coordinator, asked if I wanted my badge to say "Playwright." A small thing, but a big thing. Yes, I wanted people to see my name and the word PLAYWRIGHT next to it. It was symbolic that I had taken that part of myself back in the past six months.

So whenever anyone walked up to me, they just treated me like a normal playwright and asked what I was working on. Or my friends and colleagues who knew me in my other capacity expressed their great joy that I was just a playwright again. I wasn't serving anyone else's agenda, there on anyone else's dollar, or representing anyone else but myself. That simple gesture felt remarkable for me as well.

And something amazing happened. I didn't evaporate because I wasn't representing someone else. I could stand in front and nakedly myself without any repercussions. Holy shit! What had I been waiting for?

My friend Elaine said that she felt like she was seeing the real me for the first time. It almost brought her to tears. I have to admit, that I was almost brought to tears as well.

This was the year that I reminded myself and the world that I am a playwright. I was a finalist this year for the O'Neill Playwrights Conference with a play that I had written years ago but never submitted. And this year, I caught up with my friend Casey, who has been chatting with me about the new play I'm currently writing. And she's been making it a part of her agenda to get a workshop for this new play together - at one of two theatres in LA. I didn't have to beg, borrow and steal. She was moved by my words and by me as a person enough to make time to make this workshop happen.

It's a play I'm so excited about. A triptych - as my friend Krista reminded me of at brunch today. That sounds so smart and artsy. But guess what? I am smart and artsy.

I had a great day today. Just being myself. The artist. And not wincing or falling away from that or shying away. Just being the artist. In the middle of beautiful sunny California.

Someone to hold you too close...

I got a letter a few days ago that I just opened from the Eugene O'Neill Theatre Center in Waterford, CT. For those non-theatre geeks, the O'Neill has this Playwrights Conference every year and it's a big deal to get in. I'm so used to getting a zillion rejection letters, so I just opened up the letter quickly. Well, I'm a semi-finalist, which is also a big deal. On top of normal circumstances, it seems like it was a big submission year.

So I told my Mom and Dad, who know I'm a playwright because I tell them I'm a playwright, but they don't quite understand it. It's not that they don't understand it's a big deal, but they aren't theatre people. They're super proud because they're awesome. But the writing thing is kind of my own thing. They don't really understand what I do. I got a little teary because it really is a big deal.

I told my friend Susan, who HAS been at the O'Neill. And she was like "Oh My God! That's a huge deal and every literary manager is going to know your play because they're on the committee. And you'll have people coming up to you years later asking you if you're the guy who wrote that play. People you've never met."

Wow. So won't just be the guy whose boss throws those big parties at the Humana Festival every year. The Humana Festival is another theatre thing. It's also a big deal, but I've only gone for work. I haven't been produced there yet. But the O'Neill...yeah, it's awesome.

So as you know, I'm doing this cleanse starting tomorrow. And I decided to go have my last supper. And for that Last Supper, I decided to have 5 tacos: two asada, two carnitas and one chorizo. I'm enjoying my tacos in the fluorescent lit Tacos El Gavilan. And I'm watching the spanish language equivalent of E! News. And I'm thinking about what Susan said. And I think, "Wow. This is the biggest theatre thing that's ever happened to me." And if it only goes this far, it's still the biggest thing that's happened at this point in my career.

Then it comes. I think about my ex. He loves this play. He thinks it's the best thing I've written. And then I start to tear up. I hurry up and shove the tacos down my throat so I'm not causing a scene in the taco place. I get to my car and I start to cry. A bunch of high school guys (CUTE high school guys) get out of the car next to me and I lock eyes with the cutest guy. I can't have this pussy-faggot-I'm-Missing-My-Ex-boyfriend-moment with him watching. So the tears dry up.

I pull down a side street and I let it go. I cry because I can't call him up. I cry because he always had such a look of pride when he told people about the play (which I wrote about my paternal grandmother). I cry because he would be thrilled for me. I cry because I don't have HIM to share this with and he would totally get it. Then he would start bragging to his family, our friends, his clients, anyone he could brag to. Because he honestly would be proud. And I always wanted to make him proud.

Then he would say, "See, this is what you should be doing. You're too smart to be doing that TV bullshit." Or, "You should be writing more plays. I wouldn't have a problem paying for everything (which isn't totally true, but how he saw it). If you wrote stuff like this all the time..." And on and on.

By this point my tears are dry. And finish the rest of my drive tear-free.

The Little Things We Did Together

My favorite play is WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF.
My favorite musical is COMPANY.
My favorite TV show is SEX AND THE CITY.

My favorite pieces of popular culture are about dysfunctional relationships! What does that say about me?

Some of my favorite songs have titles like:

"Didn't We Almost Have it All?"
"Neither One of Us (Wants to be the first to say Goodbye)"
"Heartbreaker"
"Fooled by a Feeling"
"A House is Not a Home"
"Don't Waste Your Time"
"Don't Cry Out Loud"
"She's Out of My Life"
"Please Don't Leave Me"
"Why You Wanna Treat Me So Bad"

AM I ROMANTICIZING HEARTBREAK? I think I love a complicated relationship. And on some level, I think that relationships are supposed to be difficult. I think they are difficult, but at the same time I am starting to believe that I don't have to work to make them difficult. I'd be nice to be treated well. And I don't think that's just for my romantic relationships. It's for more than a few relationships in my life.

It makes me think about suffering. And why I feel I need to suffer to make a relationship significant. That's all on me. I can't blame any of the exes for that. I like to earn things. Do I think I'm earning my relationship by having it be so difficult. "Look at what I had to OVERCOME!" It's like I was banking on some sort of future lesson or pride where we look at each other, grey haired and reminisce on how difficult the early days of our relationship were. "But thank God we stuck it out."

It's not talk of God and the decade ahead that allows you to get through the worst,
It's "I do" and "You Don't" and "No body said that" and "Who brought the subject up first."

Maybe it's just that I'm a frustrated torch singer. I love a painful, moment of regret.

Ugh. Strike up the band! Enough with the sad sack sentiments.

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on

And now I'm just a gay cliche.

Or maybe I've always been one and never knew it. Because I think that Carrie and Big should be together! She's this wonderful, blossoming flower who's smart and witty. But when she's around him she puts on the tiara, waves her princess wand and expects to be carried away (pun intended, and totally appropriate) by her knight in shining armor. I do love Big. I don't mean to be SO critical. But why do I love him really?
How many times during my relationship did I say that my ex was my Big? Probably too many to admit. And how embarrassing if people knew the amount of times I didn't say it, but thought it.

Oops. Hello, blogosphere.

It's probably because I fancy myself Carrie (who doesn't). I'm a writer. I'm now writing my own column (blog) for a prestigious New York weekly (my own free website where I post whenever I want). I express myself through fashion (a lot of clothes the ex bought me and wanted to see me in). And I've got a group of girlfriends (mix of straight and gay guys and girls who don't know each other but who are in my life and who I've abandoned to be in said relationship with said Big) who support me every step of the way. I love an au courant cocktail (Bud Light or a mix of whatever's left in the house) and a good pair of shoes (my worn out Purple and Neon Green Pumas I purchased MYSELF on Gilt.com).

I am SO Carrie.

Is that the dynamic I'm going for? I guess it could be worse. I could have ended up with my version of:

AIDEN - the sweet ex who did everything I wanted him to. I kind of treated him like shit despite all of the wonderful things he did for me. He caught me making out with someone. Then it was over. Kinda like Carrie.

BERGER - the writer. It was too much for him. He didn't break up with me on a Post It, but he did break up with me via email or a short phone call after what was a great night together.

PETROFSKY - Have I met him yet? Maybe not. But he's just another version of Big, in a way. A guy who puts his needs before my own. A guy who's got a seemingly more important career than mine. A guy who loves me for my individuality, but eventually comes to resent it. So he supresses it. Oh wait...maybe I just sended my Petrofsky season.

So I'm still looking for Big. If that's what I really want. A guy that put me through the ringer, but eventually settles down. A guy who knows what he wants, despite the fact that I'm not always listening. A guy who's strong, debonair, but makes me laugh. A guy I just click with. The guy I've been pursuing.

Still Looking for Big. That's a title. But is it the story I want to tell?

I can't help but wonder...