I'm Done

I.

I started this blog three and a half years ago after a break up.  It was a traumatic time.  That led to more trauma as my father got sick and eventually passed.  As time has gone on, I have made contact with my ex and tried to get some sort of resolution about our relationship.

I've emailed.
We've talked a bit.
I've opened up.
I've tried to chat with him while we were naked at a Korean Spa about four months ago.
A part of me has wanted a friendship with him again.
We ran into each other at my friend's Gay Pride party (where I also saw him last year).
I'm done.

I'm done trying to be his friend.
I probably should have come to this conclusion earlier.
And I'm sure my friends have wondered why I have tried to be friends with him.  But I thought that maybe enough time had passed.
I don't think our resolution will be happening in our lifetimes.
And that's fine.  Partially because it has to be.
We are never ever ever getting back together.  And we are never ever ever going to be friends.
How do I know this?

Well, every time I try to talk to him it feels uncomfortable.
And despite his new sobriety, his new introspection, and weight loss, he's the same guy.
I could feel the negativity.
I could feel the closed offness.
He was sending me some pretty clear signals.  I just have to pick up on them.
He's not the nicest guy.  He never was.
And I'm trying to stay away from negativity in my life.
I am happy for his progress in his life.  I am happy that certain things that weren't able to happen while we were together, in terms of his own mental, physical and emotional health, are happening.

As I stood there, talking to him yesterday, cornering him really, I realized how much had changed in three and a half years.  I was no longer the guy who felt inferior to him, who deferred to his Alpha Maleness.  I also didn't feel like I had to prove myself to him.  He had made a remark that the best thing I had ever written was a play that I wrote about my grandmother years ago.  And it was the best thing I had ever written all of those years ago.  But it wasn't the best thing I had written since.  He has no clue about the person I have become because of the changes that happened in my life since our split.  And I finally figured out that he doesn't have the right to know about those changes any more.  I don't have to try and gain his friendship.  His friendship is not there.  And that is so okay with me now.  I understand now that we were never friends to start and wouldn't be friends now because there is no foundation there.  I wish him well.  I don't feel like I have to explain all of this to him.  I ready to go my separate way from him.

But the same things that were making him unhappy eight and a half years ago when we met are the same things that are making him unhappy now.  And that's okay.  But I don't have to be around it or chase it or resolve it or make it better.  I am perfectly complete, content, happy and loved without him in my life now or ever.

II.

The other thing I'm done with is negativity in general.  I know of a few people in my life who are just carrying a negative vibe around with them.  Ick.  And it's not like they're wearing black all of the time or drinking during the day or saying nasty shit constantly.

They're just unhappy and can't see the good around them.  And they either put up with negativity and allow it to be around them or they are outwardly negative.  It's not a malicious quality.  They are not mean.  But they are just unhappy and happy to be so.

I need them out of my life.

I am fine with listening to friends and they're problems.  I love being a sounding board.  But at a certain point, I am inviting danger and negativity into my sphere and consciousness by allowing them in my life.  It's not that I don't love them.  It's not that I won't check in on them from time to time, but I can't allow that energy in my life.  I can't let them sour my soup.

I used to wonder why there was a cloak of sadness around me and a certain group of friends I had.  It seemed like we were in the struggle and it was getting to all of us.  What I realize now is that we were pulling each other down.  As my attitude has changed, as I have worked through some of my shit, I realize that commiserating can be destructive if we are not conducting our lives differently as a result.  I am watching people I know make mistakes and I am trying not to make those same mistakes.

I love these people. I care about them.  But I am also not going to tolerate being treated in a way I shouldn't be treated.  I have a friend who has stopped calling.  I have a friend who didn't reach out when he came to LA.  I have people who don't want to be a part of my life and yet I keep trying to bring them into the fold.  If they don't want to be in my life, they shouldn't be a part of my life.  I need to let them go because they are already gone.

I have a couple of new people who have come into my life who are kind and loving and smart as hell.  We talk about things that aren't about why we're not getting this or that and why certain things aren't happening for us.  It's useless talk.  We talk about work and politics and make jokes.  We have chemistry.  It's wonderful.  Most of these people happen to be straight men, which is interesting.  Not like I haven't had close straight guy friends before.  But I definitely sense an energy shift.

In order to invite change into my life, I have to make room.  And it's time.

I am grateful for these new men in my life.
I am grateful for creative partnerships.
I am grateful for sweet people.
I am grateful for kindness and love.
I am grateful for my boyfriend.
I am grateful for the lessons I am learning.
I am grateful for change.

Hey, Old Friends

That's a song from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along, a musical I love.

Hey old friend
Are you okay, old friend?
What do you say, old friend?
Are we or are we unique?
Time goes by, everything else keeps changing
You and I we get continued next week.

Most friends fade
Or they don't make the grade
New ones are quickly made
And in a pinch, sure they'll do
But us, old friend, what's to discuss old friend
Here's to us
Who's like us?
Damn few…

Last night I dreamt about my old friends from college, but in particular one group.  We were all friends and a bit on the fringes.  Actually, I hung with them, but also felt a bit on the fringe from them as well.  My friends Julie, Eric and Jessica.  They were like the merry band all together.  I bounced around a lot. But they were thick as thieves.  And Eric was one of my best friends.  I adored him.

So last night, we were all together for some occasion.  Like in the dream I documented on the blog a few weeks ago, we are all adults.  And we were reunited.  A funny moment in the dream was when I waved to my friend Jessica, and then from behind her, my ex roommate Peter, who considered me an arch nemesis throughout college, thought I was waving at him and waved back.

If I can remember back from the dream I had before, the adult versions of ourselves interacting with each other means that there is integration from the person I was in college and who I am today.  The dream reminded me that I'm on the right path and that the person I need to be today is here.  I have come back to the person I was in college.

Thanks, old friends for showing up for me.

I am grateful for these dreams that reveal truths to me.
I am grateful for old friends, people who have known me.
I am grateful for the adventures that this next stage in my life will bring.

Another Goodbye

I got a phone call yesterday that my good friend, Mary Hanes, had passed away from ovarian cancer.  Mary and her husband Ken were my bosses on a pilot they wrote for USA called "Eden."  I was their right-hand person, you could say.  They were the best bosses ever because they appreciated everything I did and had no problem telling me.  This was a vast difference from my previous job.

I have to say that both Ken and Mary had a lot to do with me feeling better about myself post break up.  I realized that I do have valuable qualities I bring to the table, both in business and in life.  We were a little family for the five months we worked together.  They valued my opinions, asked me to help them out in breaking some stories and always came to me whenever a writer was submitted to us to see what I felt.  Our tastes matched and our values matched.  It was a perfect match in terms of jobs.

I knew she was sick for a while.  But she always forged ahead.  In these two weeks since my Dad died, it's been a challenge to keep moving forward.  But Mary always did.  I knew things were bad when I got an email from Ken offering me condolences regarding my Dad that was signed from the two of them.  Whenever we worked together, they would send me separate responses.  Since I only heard from Ken, I knew she was too sick to even email me back. 

I always admired how affectionate they were together and I assume that was true even before her illness.  That was just the type of people they are.  I will always think of Mary and her encouragement and generosity.  Ken sent me an email today reminding me of how much Mary loved me and was looking forward to us working together again and having a long partnership.  Even through his grieving, he's still as giving and generous as ever.  That's just yet another way that they continue to inspire me.

Decisions, Decisions

I'm a theatre boy, through and through.  I'm housesitting for my friends in Santa Monica and I've been using their place as a bit of a writer's retreat.  So far I have 20 pages of a new pilot done that I'm supposed to have finished by Tuesday.  I think that can happen.

Well, I decided that I was going to see this play last night that I had been hearing about.  I also knew that a bunch of theatre folks I need to be in touch with were going to be there as well.  So at 6 PM I decided that I'd better go.  But then I also figured I should get some work done.  Then I wasn't feeling it.  I was tired.  I was trying to save money.  I made a bunch of excuses why I shouldn't go.  Then I started writing the pages that had been eluding me all day.  This is a sign, I thought.  Then around 7:15 I figured I wasn't going to go because I had been on a roll.  At around 7:28, with no juice left and five pages written in the past 45 minutes, I decided that I might as well head out the door and get distracted.  It wasn't far away and if there weren't tickets left, I would just go back to Santa Monica.

I show up at the Box Office at 7:45 and order a ticket.  Then I look behind me and see my high school buddy, Jeff, who I last saw at our reunion.  Kismet!  So we decide to sit together.  And then I walk into the lobby and see a bunch of theatre pals, some of whom I knew I'd see and others who were a surprise.  And some new faces as well.  It felt like community, which I love.

The show was good.  It was a lot of fun and good energy.  But the best part was just catching up with old pals.  Jeff and I made plans to see a play the following week.  My friend Kelly and I made plans to grab lunch when I'm in her neck of the woods.  She also invited me to a workshop they're doing at her theatre.  All in all good stuff.  And five pages, which became six when I got home is good for a whole day's work.  I got that done, in total, in about 90 minutes. 

Plus, all of that socializing left me motivated for today.  So I'm happy about that as well.  Let's see what happens today.

The Best Message I Recieved About My Father's Death

My best friend Alanna called me on Monday after my Dad died and said that I was about to get some great messages from friends.  And the best voicemail I received was on Monday night from an ex-boyfriend of hers named Greg.  He was acting full time when they met and now has gone on to work in music in New Orleans.  I've tried to transcribe as much as I can, but here are some highlights.

Eric,

This is Greg ____.  Hi.  I just got a message from Alanna about your father and I've lost my father a while back, as you probably remember.  It hits me so hard that don't care that we haven't talked in 8 years.

I did not know your father, but I know you--I knew you--I feel like I still know you.  But he must have had incredible qualities because you can just see it when you see such a spectacular person.

If you ever want to catch up or talk, or need a friend.

I have a feeling I'll be seeing you sometime in the future, buddy.  I am sending my love.  I am sending my condolences to you and your family.  I'm thinking about you and I've BEEN thinking of you, which is a bit strange.  I look forward to speaking with you under better circumstances. And I just hope you are well and with the right people and taking it in stride.  You have a great friend in Alanna, no question about it.  I love you.

It was so touching to get a message from a person I haven't talked to in a long time.  That's just one example of so many that keep coming in.  These are the times when you are filled with love.

I got a call today from my friend Julia, who had lost her father two years ago.  I got a call from my friend Gina today.  These are people who have known me for a while and who have seen me evolve and know the kind of person I am.  It means a lot for people to reach out because it is so hard when you don't know exactly what to say.  It touches me that these people have spoken from their heart.

Hey Old Friends

On Saturday night, I had my annual reunion with my grade school friends in my hometown of Downey. Through the wonders of Facebook, we had gotten in touch with each other a couple of years ago and decided to start getting together. The first year we got together, there were about six of us. Then those guys came over to my house for a St. Patrick’s Day Party that my ex and I threw every year. Then last year, we ventured to Anaheim for a larger reunion with our grade school pals. So after I had gotten back in touch with my friend Kathleen earlier this year, we decided that it would be good to get the gang together again for this sort of Third Annual gathering.

The night started out as a bit of a mess because the place we wanted to do it at was busy for some fight that was being telecast. So we went over to the local BJs and found a lovely table outside where we could be to ourselves. And the evening did not disappoint. I always enjoy seeing my friend Nora, who like me, was a bit of a shy person growing up and then blossomed into someone much more social. Yes, she’s got tattoos and a wild streak…and I’m pretty much the same way without the tattoos. I was telling a story about growing up and having to face a lot of bullying. The story started to make her emotional. Partially because she felt bad for me as a kid. But I think it also made her cry because she identifies with how crappy grade school was for some of us. It’s hard when people refuse to see you for who you think you really are or who you’re going to be.

My friend Kathleen is a wonder. She’s got this tough edge, she’s had some rough times in her life, but what has always shone through is how loyal she is. And funny. She was always hilarious, even growing up. She was never a mean girl, but she was incredibly popular. She’s an unforgettable character because she’s so honest and so outspoken and so funny all at the same time. It’s hard to describe her here because she’s pretty unique.

I have to say that I was really looking forward to seeing my friend, Niki. Niki always seemed cooler to me than the other kids in a certain way. Part of that had to do with the fact that she was Korean being raised by a white mother. And part of it had to do with the fact that she was only in our Fourth Grade class and then skipped to the Sixth Grade, I believe. But she was groovy. She danced to “Shadows of the Night” in the school talent show the year I did “Gloria” by Laura Branigan with a bunch of my friends. She always had this sort of older than her years vibe. And now she’s this beautiful blonde woman who lives with her family in Orange County. And kind of the same girl. Just sweet and down to earth.

We had a great time. Although a few friends couldn’t make it. But to catch up with this group of friends in their late 30s, like I am…it was a good trip down memory lane. They always remind me that I’ve got another family of people who knew me when I was a little kid. They knew me before I took off to high school in LA, before I went to Santa Clara and decided to become a playwright, and before I moved to New York and went to graduate school. They knew me before all of that. They knew the shy, insecure kid. Or the kid who felt shy and insecure. It’s funny how everyone remembers me differently. Niki said I always had a confidence about me. Maybe that’s what people didn’t like about me. I was blatantly flamboyant and didn’t have any shame about it. Niki also said that I was way more butch now than I was when we were kids. And this is what made Nora cry. I am finally at peace with my masculinity. I was never going to measure up and be “a man.” I could only be myself. And now myself is a confident man who has lived a life, has run a marathon, has had sex with other men. I’m more in touch with my masculinity because it’s not about trying to pretend to be something I’m not. I’m absolutely who I am all of the time and that seems to be assertive and seems to be masculine. Which I guess translates into butch. But it’s no longer being victim to how people treated me and called me horrible names as a child.

So, suffice to say that it was nice to be reminded that you can go home again and see the people who watched you grow up before their very eyes.

Hey, Old Friend

Yesterday, I went to go see an old grade school classmate of mine at a smoke shop she just opened with her fiance. It's amazing when you see people who knew you when you were awkward and young. My friend Kathleen has been through a lot in her life, but she's a warrior. She has a wonderful heart and approaches life with such a sense of humor and a hard won wisdom. She's the epitome of a graduate from the school of hard knocks. It's also amazing because she's got an 18 year old son who's smart, articulate and going after his own dreams. He's got a very unconventional mother, but a mother who so obviously loves and supports him.

And talking to him reminded me of myself at that age. He wanted to know about my time in New York and about where I travelled. I saw a young man who comes from a great foundation and who is ready to spread his wings. I'm a big believer that the more of yourself that you give to young people, the more information you give them, the higher they will soar despite their circumstances. Despite where they came from. Every child will benefit from knowledge.

I was inspired seeing her again. It just reminded me of my roots. I had a guy I dated years ago tell me that I was lying when I said I had come from a working class background. "But you're so articulate," he said. I was offended because the assumption was that because I was a smart, sophisticated guy that I had to have come from money. That's not the case. And I had the polar opposite experience of that with the ex because he met my family and had so many assumptions about the way I grew up. And he considered me unsophisticated because I kept it real. Just because I don't use five dollar words when I can use 25 cent ones. I don't impress with my knowledge when I can touch people with my heart. But I had a lot more elegance than he did in certain situations. I have always said that I would want to be at home walking through East LA or Boyle Heights as much as I feel at home at dinner in Beverly Hills or walking down Fifth Avenue in New York. All places I've been comfortable in, by the way. Ultimately, as I told Kathleen yesterday, we're just kids from Downey. There is no pretense. She remarked that seeing me again was like seeing family, seeing blood. And I agree. It's seeing someone who knew you when you were getting to know yourself.

It was nice. It was especially great to see that she's learned from her hard life and she's doing better for her self, her family and her son. I told her that she was setting an excellent example for her son. She's the finest example of a mother that I've seen in a long time. I really admire that. We can't accomplish anything without a strong foundation and a support system.

Farewell Recap: My Friends

As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.

But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.

TODAY'S SUBJECT:

My friends

My friends are the raddest ever. I'm making a pact with myself never to abandon my friends for a relationship. The trouble is that the ex didn't like any of them. He was threatened by their place in my life. That's troubling.

So who's in my life now?

People who support and love me. Smart people. People who challenge me and make life interesting, not just sycophants. Yes, I live in LA and I work in Hollywood, but I'm not of it. I think when you're a native, it isn't as romantic. And my best friend has been a working actress since we were kids. So I always saw things up close and personal since I was young.

Speaking of my best friend, she's this amazing human being who has seen me at every stage in my life. . She actually introduced me to my ex. But really saw how much I shrank during that relationship. And we made a pact never to let a guy get in the way again.

I have friends, like Vic and Steve, who have invited me into their home and who have really taken care of me at a time when it seemed like I couldn't take care of myself. Those early days, which seem so far away now, were monumentally difficult. I felt all sorts of guilt for leaving and at a time when I couldn't be strong, they loaned me some of their strength until I was strong enough to move on.

I have friends I make plans with now to do things. My friend Nicole and I take yoga together. Her Dad just died recently and my Dad's been having his own health issues, so it has been good to hang with her specifically for that reason. But doing yoga with Nic is also a crossover with the spiritual and physical work I'm doing.

Steve and I are addicted to our hip hop classes on Wednesday and Sundays. That actually has been a fun way to meet new people. I love it. And again, it's been something that's helped me build more confidence in my dancing and in my body. And it's just fun to be silly and listen to all of the 90s hip hop and R&B they play in class.

My friends are reminding me that I was fine before I met my ex. That I can be a smart playwright who went to NYU, but still love reality TV, pop music, and Ru Paul's Drag Race along with loving Woody Allen movies, documentaries, literature and the theatre. I've never been a snob when it came to culture and entertainment. And I don't think I only need to ingest "smart" things for people to know I'm smart.

Susan and I make sure we talk on a regular basis. She's having a kid with her husband and there are a lot of changes going on with her. But it's important as we go through life changing events in our lives to have friends who are there who knew us back when. Elyzabeth and I try to catch up and motivate each other to keep writing, given our respective busy schedules and her baby girl Gillian.

I had a bunch of friends who just came out to support my recent play reading. Karen and I are going to commit to going to more theatre. Emily's going to join Steve and I at hip hop. I have to reconnect with my friend Kelly and get together with her soon as well. I'm trying to find a friend who wants to go take those aerial fitness classes, although from what my friend Dave says, it'll be a good way to meet adventurous, fix and flexible guys. I am always up for that.

The other things I've already mentioned in these Farewell Recaps are opening up my life to having more people in it. Clearly SEX is one way to do that. But also my SPIRITUALITY is helping me on that journey to meet my soulmate. It's the inner work I have to do and it's not fabricated or a fad or an easy route. It's real deep integrated spiritual work that doesn't have to be called "spiritual work" for it to be effective. And of course, the BODY...it's not just about attracting people to me with my body. It's having more reasons to meet people that don't involve set ups or Grindr or the bars. It's about meeting people who share my interests and have something to talk about.

It all works together. And it's all working fine. So here's to meeting more interesting, well-read, funny, selfless, adorable friends...and maybe even lovers if that's what's meant to happen.

Full Circle with Justin Vivian Bond

During the week, I went to go see cabaret singer (and soon-to-be legend) Mx. Justin Vivian Bond at the Redcat theatre in Los Angeles. When I lived in New York I used to go see a wicked cabaret act called Kiki and Herb. It was a rage-filled affair. But amazing in its anger. Justin played Kiki, an 80 year old washed up cabaret singer. V has since mellowed (V instead of any gender identifying pronoun)and turned into an amazing cabaret singer, called the best of a generation by The New Yorker.

Well, I wish I could have said I knew V was coming to town. But I didn't. And apparently, it was a last minute sort of booking. But I went because my best friend Alanna's mother, Sid, suggested it. She had read about V in the LA Times, suggested to Alanna that they go and then suggested that I come with. When Alanna called me and asked me if I wanted to go see Justin Bond, I screamed on the phone and said yes immediately.

It was the best $27 dollars I had spent in a while. If you want to read reviews of the show, go online. I just want to talk about the crowd for a second.

I said to Alanna that these are the artsy, cultured, moneyed gays that I want to know. These are not the gays that you see at the Abbey on a Sunday afternoon. These are the folks to go to LACMA on the weekends. These are the folks who go to the bowl to see Pink Martini and the Greek to see Rufus Wainwright or Adele. These are the descendants of the individuals who built our culture on the coattails of Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward and Tennessee Williams. These are the brilliant self-creations.

The show was amazing. Full of wit and cutting commentary. Full of the celebrity sightings that Alanna and I appreciate: Tegan from Tegan and Sara and Sandra Bernhard. This is the theatre I like to see. And as I said to Alanna afterwards, this is the experience I was cultivated to appreciate because of what her family exposed me to as a child. So to see this show with Sid was really a full circle experience. My taste and appreciation for art was shaped by hanging out in Alanna's house as a kid. It was okay to be a 16 year old who went to a screening of a film based on Sandra Bernhard's one woman show WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING. It was okay to embrace the fact that I was an artist.

And V's show reminded me so much of my time in New York. And that it shouldn't just be a nostalgic thing: when I was a young 20 something in New York and cool. But it should be a reminder to embrace myself and my voice, the individual I came into the world as. And that anyone who thinks that's strange in a judgmental way isn't someone I need to spend much time with. Sounds like an affirmation I would make as a teenager. But sometimes, even us older gals need to be reminded of that. Thanks, V.

A Friendly Reminder

I had drinks with my friend Bradley last night, who's an agent in town. We get together usually once or twice a year just to catch up and really for me to make yet another pitch to him why I should be his client. Yes, it could be perceived as desperate. And usually, it is.

But last night was actually good. It was good to touch base with Bradley since he hasn't seen me since the breakup. And we were catching up, but he kept saying, "This is about you." Whenever we went on a tangent, he would keep bringing it back to me and what I want. And over the years where we would do this annual event, this is the first time I was really clear about what I wanted and how to get it.

There's something inside of me that's not holding back. Even in saying how much I'm missing my ex, but I think that's even happening for a reason. He's in my face, in my dreams, in my thoughts all of the time so I can affirm to myself EVERY DAY - "that was not the right relationship for me. I'm in a much better place now. And this is where I need to stay." It's a Daily Reminder. And for that, I have to be grateful because I need to think of it and reaffirm my commitment to myself every day. It's like I'm an alcoholic. Well, I'm a [my ex's name]-aholic.

And like Bradley always does, he motivates me. And he shared some great info on a show that's looking for writers on my level. And he's reading my material. And he didn't try to pass me off on someone else this time, which I think is more a reflection on me than on him. I wasn't putting it all out there before. And now I'm am putting it ALL out there, even the kitchen sink. Because that's the only way I'm going to gain big.

And I do need more people saying to me, "You look great. You look so much better." That's exactly what I need to hear right now.

Downpour

LA is in a state of torrential rain right now. I'm writing this from Silverlake, the third place I've stayed since the breakup. This is a great place to retreat - I'm housesitting for friends of friends. A really sweet couple who will probably become friends - they kind of already are. That seems to be the theme of this breakup. More people are coming into my life or staying, than leaving. I think I sound surprised by that. My friend "Bensemmon" (as in Kelly, although that's not his real name) said that tonight. So something like that. Basically, his point was that I shouldn't be so shocked that people are coming back into my life or into my life for the first time because I broke up with the ex.

So in this crazy rain, I decided to drive to Orange County yesterday. Apologies to Caitlin, whose party I missed on Saturday because of the rain. As you'll read, I made a great decision to not go to the party because of weather. This is something I realized as I was driving home from the OC last night. Scared for my life several times. I have an ex-boyfriend, who I nicknamed Pillows, who had a Holiday party last night. Very sweet. He wanted to introduce me to his friends, some of whom he thought might be interesting guys to date. I love Pillows, but it's hard to go to the OC for just a party, let alone a relationship. I should know. I did that with him for six months. But before I get to the Pillows of it all, I should also say that it was a kind of nostalgia-filled day because I figured that I would ALSO go see my friend JJ, who used to hangout with both me and Pillows years ago. JJ has a fiance (she's a girl, btw) and has been living in Alabama. She's just been out here to close the clothing store she ran for seven plus years. So I thought it would be good to see her and catch up.

JJ thought I should come to her brother's house on Balboa Island, which is so Mayberry I can't stand it. They even have a candy shop and people leave their umbrellas unguarded outside. They pass you on the street and wave. It's because there are no brown people there. I'm convinced. I'm brown, but they probably thought I was either Italian or one of the wealthy Asians. Not the case. So JJ and I grabbed two umbrellas and started walking around Balboa. It was kind of romantic and sweet. Two friends walking down the street, sharing stories, talking about men, and having crass conversations. Holy Carrie Bradshaw! It was pretty great. We were well-dressed, in the rain and just having a blast catching up. Then I had to get on the 73, a toll road that made me fear for my life. It was foggy and misty and I couldn't see. I just was hoping I wouldn't go over a cliff.

But eventually I made it to Pillow's house and the first thing that happened when his boyfriend saw me was give me a big hug. It's funny how familiar we all get because we've seen each other on Facebook. I mean that in general. Everyone assumes a level of familiarity because of it. So I decided not to drink because I had to drive. And I met his friends. Two of them were totally my type. Pasty, stocky wide dudes. With beautiful eyes. That's totally what I go for. I have to stop denying it. I might be changing that, but for now I have to stop denying that's my type. We chatted for a while, but I realized that one of them either wasn't into me or was too shy to talk to me. The other one couldn't stop talking. He's an actor (and a nice guy for the record), but he's the one who definitely got my attention.

At the risk of offending someone I hardly know, this is why I kept talking to him. He conveniently revealed at some point that he's both a TOP and a BOTTOM. He's VERSATILE. Dudes love that. I want to know that on Sunday you're going to stick me from behind, but on Tuesday you might throw your legs up in the air. And he's kind of straight looking and he's got a hot barrel chest. Truth be hold, I would have gone home with his friend in a second. He had kinder eyes. Wasn't in as good shape as the Actor. But there was a sweetness that was there. Too bad he lives in San Diego. The Actor, on the other hand, lives in the OC, but commutes to LA for auditions. I won't go on and on and on and on about this guy. That'll make one of us. Hey, listen! To the Actor, should he ever read this: I think you are hot. I would let you...do things. I would even be extremely loud upon entry. HOWEVER...just not my thing. I'm sure you're a good Christian.

Leave it to Pillows to tell me about all these guys he wants me to meet and then he invites them all to the same party. It was fine. It would have been better if we had a Circle Jerk in the master bedroom. But I'm okay with the fact that I just drove home. And on that drive...I was FRIGHTENED. I was like Bette Midler in BEACHES driving from LA to San Francisco to see Barbara Hershey before she died. And I actually thought that my life might flash before my eyes. So I thought of calling my friend that I went out with last week. The one I cooked for. (See the entry titled "FIRST DATE"). I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I still kind of like him. He's the type of person I want to talk to late into the night as I sit here on the sofa and watch the traffic pass on the 5. I can see the lights into the distance - this is so very LA. I love this little bungalow. I hope I'm not insulting the owners by calling it a bungalow. But to me, that's romanticizing. I mean it as an extreme complement. But I did want to call my FIrst Date guy while on the road, but decided that it would be better to not have him near me spin out or crash on the freeway.

We do have a date tomorrow. And this one I can call a date. It's at the Arclight and we're going to see a movie. And we're going to an actual restaurant. Although, I wouldn't mind cooking for him again. I like cooking for men. Actually, for anyone. But I like that as one of my roles in a relationship. But more on that after it actually happens.

It was great to see JJ and Pillows. JJ's Mom said something interesting to me last night. I haven't seen her in years and when JJ told her I was now single, she grabbed me by both hands and said, "We just want you to find someone who deserves you. And I only met him once, but it was clear to me that was not the case." I appreciated the sentiment, but I was shaking my head on the inside. I don't remember actually where we all ran into each other, but I didn't realize that he had left such a strong impression. And then Bensimmon mentioned that a friend of a friend had mentioned to him that I wasn't invited to a friend's special day (I don't want to get more specific than that because I kind of don't want the friend to know I'm talking about them) because of the Ex. And I'm still shaking my head (on the outside because I"m alone) because I can't believe it. Not that I don't believe Bensimmon. But I can't believe that I didn't see that. It's almost like everyone else was seeing one relationship and I was seeing another.

Again, I guess I wasn't keeping as good a secret that things were wrong as I thought I was. I'm fascinated to see what my grade school friends thought of him when I see them later this week.

There are so many people who weren't allowed to be a part of my life because of this guy. I decided to pull away from a lot of people. And I was told that these people weren't good for me, including my parents. And either I was choosing to be totally blind to the fact that he was trying to separate me from people who were in my life, or he was really subtle. I'm still not sure which of the two it was. But he didn't like any of my friends. He always said he didn't like the way certain people treated me. And I thought he was being protective. That might be the case. But just because someone is a little rude or oblivious or particular every now and again, there are just things you accept about people because you love him. There was a lot of criticism - something he can't stand about his own family. But there it is in his own backyard.

I'm still processing all of this because I can't believe I didn't see it. And this new information about the friend whose special day I wasn't invited to. God, I hope that's not true. See, I still don't believe it. Isn't that nuts? It makes me really sad.

But at the same time, I'm excited because that means there's a lot more to my life that's about to come my way. The thing that was making me stuck was him. Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Friday: Out

So I did finally bust my ass out of the house and headed over to Fubar, the scene of the crime from last Friday. That's where I ran into the ex.

And I'm glad I went out. I always tell friends I don't have a problem going out by myself. And I really don't. If I feel lonely or sad or like a loser standing in the corner at the junior high dance, I've got a car and I can just drive "home." That's easy.

It's not like when I lived in New York. I actually did go home a lot from the bars in Brooklyn. I didn't really want to go up and talk to anyone and I think I gave off this vibe of "don't approach me." And if that's the worst of it - because I did feel like a big loser - then that's the worst of it. I can handle that.

And I already had the first run in with the ex, so this was going to be less intense. Until I ran into the guy who I went home with last weekend. I left my hat at his place, so I knew I'd have to reach out to him eventually. I love that hat. The ex gave me that hat and I look fucking great in it. It's part of my newsboy look. And he was all over me.

But that was after I ran into another guy that I made out with that same night, who didn't remember what I looked like clearly because he didn't remember we had made out.

"Hi, handsome."

"Yeah. We made out already. What was your name?"

That's pretty much it. And then the two of them kind of got into it a bit. I wouldn't say they were fighting over me, but there was definitely some tension. Guys, I just wanted to have a relaxing evening. Single, fun!

And THAT was after I had started talking to this guy, Marty, who has a shaved head and I think does construction or something. But he looks like a more handsome version of the lead singer of Judas Priest. Definitely a daddy type. But very nice. So we spoke for a little bit, but it wasn't really going anywhere. He was nice enough. But nice enough ain't cutting it these days.

So just when I figured I had had enough and it was time to go home, I ran into my friends Jerry and Jim, who are also friends with the ex. I haven't seen them since we were still together. I felt like I had my people with me. So we danced a bit and then I went home.

It was a full night. I had talked to three guys, seen two friends and come home solo. That's fine with me. Besides, I had to get up this morning for a run and then I'm going to go see the parents and go to a couple of holiday parties tonight.

This singlehood is hard to manage. So many suitors, so little time.

An Unexpected Salami

Just got off the phone with my friend Veronica. V and I are kindred spirits. We are both Latin, we're both silly, we love to drink and we actually lived together for a short period of time, actually after another break up.

When I was young and in NYC, I met this guy named Carl. Carl was an artist who lived in the West Village. He was from Oslo and super cultured. He had rich, interesting friends. We had a one-night stand that turned into a six month relationship because I was poor and rent was expensive in NYC. I did something I swore I would never do again - and actually never have done again - I moved in with a guy to have a place to rest my head.

And I wasn't the best boyfriend. So I moved out and in with V and our friend Anne. We all went to college together. Old theatre pals. Living in Queens! Glamour! This sums up the friendship: we would make bloody marys and drink all day. Then we'd decide that we wanted to listen to the soundtrack of Chicago and would sit in the kitchen making more cocktails, someone would decide to cook and we'd have whatever fantastic, shoestring budget pantry creations we could come up with. Sometimes we'd be naked. Just because. Naked in their kitchen in Queens. But we always ate well. And we always had a great time.

One Thanksgiving I had dinner with her, her grandmother and her mom and we had the most amazing French style thanksgiving dinner - because she's also half French. Pate and cheese to start. Even on a budget, we always tried to eat well.

V has seen me make a fool out of myself - for love, for sport, for entertainment. So I'm recounting the story of the breakup and she says to me (NOTE: the connection on her cell wasn't good, so I kept asking her to repeat herself):

"Honey, let me know if you need anything. Like if you're not feeling well, I could send you an unexpected salami."

ME: "Excuse me. Did you say an unexpected tsunami or an unexpected salami?"

"Unexpected SALAMI. You know, to eat."

ME: "Well, I've already had some unexpected salamis lately. Surprisingly tasty."

Although, I would be just as happy to have an unexpected Tsuami named Veronica blow into town. And if she brought with her some pate, wine and wanted to duet on "All that Jazz", I wouldn't be mad at her.

I'm still laughing at that. I have the feeling that we'll be having the same conversations when we're 80 and we REALLY can't hear.