Or...More Letting Go.
The surface reason to do a cleanse is to get thinner: to get rid of weight. I'm all for being a bit thinner and having my clothes look better on. It's a purely aesthetic thing. I like clean lines and I don't like it when anyone--especially myself--wears something tight and the rolls are moving. I have a friend whose husband wears shirts that are way too tight for him and it looks wrong. He's not heavy, but the look seems off. But for myself, I like to look slender and toned. My arms look good. My legs look great. I even have a descent chest. But none of that can be showcased when I have too much around the middle.
Going a little deeper...I also want to get rid of waste. Fat is waste. It's unnecessary. And it eventually grows and leads to other health issues. So even though I look good with clothes on, there's a lot going on underneath that just seems necessary. But I also like being on my cleanse, drinking my detox tea and taking my colon cleanse, and watching the waste exit my body like it should. When I'm not using colon cleanse or I'm not cleansing, I take great effort to go to the bathroom. It's great to go to the bathroom and know that nothing is getting stuck inside of me. It helps my intestines and my immune system work better. So I'm getting rid of as much waste as possible.
And to go even deeper...there's a lot of "waste", a lot of "empty calories" that I don't need to hold onto in my life. Those are toxins that need to come out as well.
What's wasteful in my life? Good question.
Here are a few things I"m working on:
cigarettes - I only have a few every once in a while, but it's not helpful or productive
sugar - or things that turn into sugar. I don't have a sweet tooth. I might not need sugar.
judgment - I do it to myself. I do it to others. Let it go.
jealousy - If things aren't where I want them to be, I need to fix it. Also, my path looks different from someone else's path. Just as I look different from other people. Stop comparing.
too many commitments - I can thin things out in my life. There are things I love and enjoy. I should just do those things. I'm old enough to know what I like and what I don't. I don't have to compromise as much in this area.
And what do I over indulge in?
drinking - it's fun. but I also like being sober every once in a while.
cheese/dairy - I love the high end stuff. The other stuff, I can do without. It doesn't have to be an every day thing. Although, I do have a weakness for ice cream. But I also LOVE sorbet.
food - I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm bored. And because I look all right and I can move around, I don't think anything of just shoveling food in my mouth.
TV - it's true. I don't like to admit it. I love it. But there could be less of it. OW! That hurts.
Computer time - ditto.
pressure/competition - I think there's something good about putting pressure on myself and holding myself accountable. But the expectations are insurmountable and make things feel impossible, that's not good. But there's nothing wrong with a catalyst for change and growth.
noise - that can include some of the things above. But I also need to focus on stillness and being quiet. Finding more times and places to just be quiet. I try not to listen to the radio in my car all of the time. I appreciate the silence.
Cleansing makes me think about what I put in to my body and bring into my life. I think that's positive. And the act of cleansing is a reminder to be conscious. So I'm going to focus on that for the next two weeks and see where that brings me.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
September 11th
So yesterday was a bit rough for me. It was both the eleventh anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York (where I lived at the time) and it was the day I had to go pick up my Dad's ashes from the Neptune Society.
I couldn't get out of bed on Monday, just thinking about it. And I couldn't figure out why I felt so unmotivated. Of course my lack of motivation made me feel like a loser. I have this time to write where I'm not going into an office and I'm WASTING it. That's the thought that went through my mind. I did everything else though: gym, dance class, eating, grocery shopping, doing laundry, doing dishes, masturbating, etc.
I watched THE VOICE on NBC and was crying buckets.
Then I woke up early on Tuesday and tried to get some work done. No dice. Then I made the long trek from Burbank to San Pedro. Grey skies. My mood was getting darker as the sky darkened. I drove to the Neptune Society office, told them who I was there to pick up, waited in an office for ten minutes, the woman came back out with a purple tote bag and a box with my Dad's remains in them. I thanked her and then slipped out the door and drove off.
Was this a drug drop off?
I had him. Everything he was to my physically was now gone. I thought about the bible quote about us being ashes and returning to ashes. I thought about the twin towers and how they burned to ashes along with the people who burned to ashes that day. I thought of the smell of burning that went through my neighborhood in Park Slope that day and for many days afterward. I thought about two events that changed me forever.
I never cried on September 11th, but the anniversaries of that event make me cry every year. It's the same thing with my Dad. I didn't cry the day he died. But I've had many moments in the seven weeks since where I've cried alone.
Just like the ashes from the Towers signaled the end of the person I was before September 11th, 2001...the ashes of my Father signal the end of the person I was before July 23, 2012. I embrace the difference and I walk in that difference. I don't want to be that person I was before because that person was gone. Just like the person I was before November 1, 2010.
And like a Phoenix (my favorite character in the Marvel Universe, btw)...I will rise from those ashes.
I couldn't get out of bed on Monday, just thinking about it. And I couldn't figure out why I felt so unmotivated. Of course my lack of motivation made me feel like a loser. I have this time to write where I'm not going into an office and I'm WASTING it. That's the thought that went through my mind. I did everything else though: gym, dance class, eating, grocery shopping, doing laundry, doing dishes, masturbating, etc.
I watched THE VOICE on NBC and was crying buckets.
Then I woke up early on Tuesday and tried to get some work done. No dice. Then I made the long trek from Burbank to San Pedro. Grey skies. My mood was getting darker as the sky darkened. I drove to the Neptune Society office, told them who I was there to pick up, waited in an office for ten minutes, the woman came back out with a purple tote bag and a box with my Dad's remains in them. I thanked her and then slipped out the door and drove off.
Was this a drug drop off?
I had him. Everything he was to my physically was now gone. I thought about the bible quote about us being ashes and returning to ashes. I thought about the twin towers and how they burned to ashes along with the people who burned to ashes that day. I thought of the smell of burning that went through my neighborhood in Park Slope that day and for many days afterward. I thought about two events that changed me forever.
I never cried on September 11th, but the anniversaries of that event make me cry every year. It's the same thing with my Dad. I didn't cry the day he died. But I've had many moments in the seven weeks since where I've cried alone.
Just like the ashes from the Towers signaled the end of the person I was before September 11th, 2001...the ashes of my Father signal the end of the person I was before July 23, 2012. I embrace the difference and I walk in that difference. I don't want to be that person I was before because that person was gone. Just like the person I was before November 1, 2010.
And like a Phoenix (my favorite character in the Marvel Universe, btw)...I will rise from those ashes.
Cleansing Update
As I've mentioned previously, my two previous attempts to cleanse this year were barely successful. Actually one was a big fail. That happened while I was travelling. And the second cleanse attempt happened while my father was still alive and sick. That ended in a big martini being plunked down in front of me by my friend Victor.What I realized was that I wasn't doing those cleanses for myself. I did the first one because it was the start of the year and I thought that I should kick off the year with a cleanse. But there was no real intention behind it. The second cleanse I only did because my boyfriend was doing his cleanse at the same time.
This one has significance. I'm cleaning house. I'm a fatherless child...or at least my Dad isn't alive anymore. So I've been taking inventory, which is what one does in these situations. Well, it's what I do. I want to feel lighter and less burdened: by excess weight, by judgment, by this heavy burden that I constantly put on myself to be excellent in two seconds. It's that sort of pressure that has rendered me immobile for the past several years.
The juice cleanse ended better than expected. That first day of those horrible juice sludges that Tim made me drink almost derailed me. There's a reason people invest in a juicer. All of that pulp felt awful. But I had made a commitment and even though Tim wasn't continuing, I needed to.
So Day Two started with the Greens 2 from Pressed Juicery. I then went to the spa and detoxed. Then I went to Whole Foods and had them make me a beet and carrot juice. Then I came home and peed out of my butt. It looked like I was hemorrhaging. I can only make light of it because my had hemorrhaged before he died. Well, maybe that's STILL in bad taste. But it's a true story, so I can make light of it. Then I did a master cleanse drink with lemon juice, water, cayenne and honey. I can't believe Beyonce drank that to lose 20 pounds to film Dreamgirls. That's crazy. And I capped it off with two more juices and some almond milk at the end of the day. I got a headache from hunger that night and ate some cucumber, then felt better and went to bed.
I woke up on Day Three thinking that maybe I could do it for several more days. But that feeling soon dissipated after a Greens juice, a Roots juice, a Master Cleanse and another Greens juice. But it set me off on a good path because when I raided Craft Services on set at my best friend's TV show, I had almonds, water, a thai salad roll and some hummus and veggies. Then had some vegan Thai for dinner.
I stuck to it all weekend. Drinking watermelon and cucumber juice instead of margaritas at Vic and Steve's as we laid by the pool. I took a dance class on Monday night and I'm taking another one tonight. I went to the gym on Monday and I'm hitting the gym again today. I've already been on a run. I'm showering regularly to remove the toxins when I sweat. I'm drinking detox tea and tons of water.
I just want to get rid of the things that aren't working. These cleanses tend to bring certain emotional toxins to the surface and this cleanse is no exception. I had been really had on Monday and Tuesday. I wasn't feeling productive or useful. My boyfriend is out of town and this was supposed to be time for me to be super productive. But I wasn't feeling that way. I was feeling lazy and dumb and not cool and like a big loser because I don't have a big TV show on the air yet. All the voices inside my head (many of which my Dad put there) were speaking loudly and over each other.
Maybe some of that had to do with the fact that I knew I had to pick up his ashes yesterday. I didn't want to get out of bed on Monday. I just wanted to keep the curtains drawn, pull the covers over my head and wallow. But I forced myself out. I watched a lot of TV that day. The season or series premieres of Anderson Live, Wendy Williams, Katie, The Voice, and so on and so on. I decided to let myself be where I was. I danced it away and just enjoyed myself. \
That made yesterday easier, but not easy. I drove to San Pedro to pick up my Dad's ashes and it just seemed so final. It was shitty outside: grey and overcast. And it was September 11th. The perfect day to be sad and gloomy. Everyone was along there with me.
But if this is my season of Letting Go, I've certainly logged a bunch of miles doing it. He's gone and been reduced to ashes. The body that was no longer exists. It has been burned. That judgment and that pain that he felt and passed on to me is gone too. It's a toxin that I'm burning out of my body by working out and sweating and disposing of by cleaning out my body.
I took the biggest shit of my life this morning. I've been using psyllium husk power as well. And when I looked at that pile of shit in my toilet, I thought about the shit that I've dealt with and endured and held on to and created for myself. Then I flushed it down the toilet.
And now I feel lighter.
This one has significance. I'm cleaning house. I'm a fatherless child...or at least my Dad isn't alive anymore. So I've been taking inventory, which is what one does in these situations. Well, it's what I do. I want to feel lighter and less burdened: by excess weight, by judgment, by this heavy burden that I constantly put on myself to be excellent in two seconds. It's that sort of pressure that has rendered me immobile for the past several years.
The juice cleanse ended better than expected. That first day of those horrible juice sludges that Tim made me drink almost derailed me. There's a reason people invest in a juicer. All of that pulp felt awful. But I had made a commitment and even though Tim wasn't continuing, I needed to.
So Day Two started with the Greens 2 from Pressed Juicery. I then went to the spa and detoxed. Then I went to Whole Foods and had them make me a beet and carrot juice. Then I came home and peed out of my butt. It looked like I was hemorrhaging. I can only make light of it because my had hemorrhaged before he died. Well, maybe that's STILL in bad taste. But it's a true story, so I can make light of it. Then I did a master cleanse drink with lemon juice, water, cayenne and honey. I can't believe Beyonce drank that to lose 20 pounds to film Dreamgirls. That's crazy. And I capped it off with two more juices and some almond milk at the end of the day. I got a headache from hunger that night and ate some cucumber, then felt better and went to bed.
I woke up on Day Three thinking that maybe I could do it for several more days. But that feeling soon dissipated after a Greens juice, a Roots juice, a Master Cleanse and another Greens juice. But it set me off on a good path because when I raided Craft Services on set at my best friend's TV show, I had almonds, water, a thai salad roll and some hummus and veggies. Then had some vegan Thai for dinner.
I stuck to it all weekend. Drinking watermelon and cucumber juice instead of margaritas at Vic and Steve's as we laid by the pool. I took a dance class on Monday night and I'm taking another one tonight. I went to the gym on Monday and I'm hitting the gym again today. I've already been on a run. I'm showering regularly to remove the toxins when I sweat. I'm drinking detox tea and tons of water.
I just want to get rid of the things that aren't working. These cleanses tend to bring certain emotional toxins to the surface and this cleanse is no exception. I had been really had on Monday and Tuesday. I wasn't feeling productive or useful. My boyfriend is out of town and this was supposed to be time for me to be super productive. But I wasn't feeling that way. I was feeling lazy and dumb and not cool and like a big loser because I don't have a big TV show on the air yet. All the voices inside my head (many of which my Dad put there) were speaking loudly and over each other.
Maybe some of that had to do with the fact that I knew I had to pick up his ashes yesterday. I didn't want to get out of bed on Monday. I just wanted to keep the curtains drawn, pull the covers over my head and wallow. But I forced myself out. I watched a lot of TV that day. The season or series premieres of Anderson Live, Wendy Williams, Katie, The Voice, and so on and so on. I decided to let myself be where I was. I danced it away and just enjoyed myself. \
That made yesterday easier, but not easy. I drove to San Pedro to pick up my Dad's ashes and it just seemed so final. It was shitty outside: grey and overcast. And it was September 11th. The perfect day to be sad and gloomy. Everyone was along there with me.
But if this is my season of Letting Go, I've certainly logged a bunch of miles doing it. He's gone and been reduced to ashes. The body that was no longer exists. It has been burned. That judgment and that pain that he felt and passed on to me is gone too. It's a toxin that I'm burning out of my body by working out and sweating and disposing of by cleaning out my body.
I took the biggest shit of my life this morning. I've been using psyllium husk power as well. And when I looked at that pile of shit in my toilet, I thought about the shit that I've dealt with and endured and held on to and created for myself. Then I flushed it down the toilet.
And now I feel lighter.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Juicing: Cleanse Day One, Juice Two
This one had pineapple, apple, mint and lime. Way more refreshing than the last one. And tastier.
SO the verdict is that Juice One would be better purchased at Pressed Juicery. Juice Two was tasty and could be made at home. Juice Three is the master cleanse. That's going to scare me.
Tim and I have been writing all morning. We are heading to yoga this afternoon, then the farmer's market and then back here to write more. Keeping ourselves busy.
I'm a bit sleepy. I'm not sure if it's the weather or the cleanse. But I might be ready for an afternoon nap before watching the DNC tonight. I"m starting to feel a bit wiped out.
Here's hoping that yoga will reinvigorate me.
SO the verdict is that Juice One would be better purchased at Pressed Juicery. Juice Two was tasty and could be made at home. Juice Three is the master cleanse. That's going to scare me.
Tim and I have been writing all morning. We are heading to yoga this afternoon, then the farmer's market and then back here to write more. Keeping ourselves busy.
I'm a bit sleepy. I'm not sure if it's the weather or the cleanse. But I might be ready for an afternoon nap before watching the DNC tonight. I"m starting to feel a bit wiped out.
Here's hoping that yoga will reinvigorate me.
Juicing: Day One, Juice One
I decided last week that it would be in my best interest to start a juice cleanse. When I saw my friend Tim for a hike over the holiday weekend, he decided that he would do it with me. I was just going to pick up three juices a day from Pressed Juicery in West Hollywood, drink lots of water, and make veggie broth and give myself a bit of a liquid cleanse for three days. Tim decided that he was going to try and make the juices at home using a blender. He had seen recipes on a website that replicated the juices from the Blueprint Cleanse, but using a blender.
I was skeptical. I liked the idea of just going to pick up my juices every morning. But I wanted to be supportive of Tim.
So now I'm in his apartment--because we thought that having a "study hall" day where I come over and write would be good for us as well--and I'm drinking my second 8 oz green juice. The first was 16 oz. And it's more of a shake than a juice. Well, actually, it's a bit more of a chopped salad. I wonder if I can get away with adding some kalamata olives, feta cheese, olive oil, basil and garlic to this. I'm drinking more because I want to get full.
When I was half way through my first glass, I told Tim: "I can feel something moving." Five minutes later I was in the bathroom. Cleansing.
Why am I doing this again? Oh, yeah. I want to get rid of things I don't need. I want to come back to a truer sense of self, only carrying with me exactly what I need. And my boyfriends going to be gone for three weeks, so I'm telling myself that I want to look super hot for him when he comes home. That's the vain part of me speaking. But I really want to change my routine around.
I shaved my head again yesterday, six weeks to the day I did it before. My Dad's been gone for six weeks. I think it's time to start making some changes. I think I need to really set a schedule for myself. That's what I'm trying to do as well, so that when the Drummer returns, I will have a set schedule for myself that I will stick to.
Oh, so here's the juice I'm drinking:
kale
celery
apple
lemon
parsley
spinach
cucumber
romaine
Mmmm...hopefully it'll make my cum taste better. Or maybe that'll be the pineapple and apple juice I'll be trying later. Yum.
I was skeptical. I liked the idea of just going to pick up my juices every morning. But I wanted to be supportive of Tim.
So now I'm in his apartment--because we thought that having a "study hall" day where I come over and write would be good for us as well--and I'm drinking my second 8 oz green juice. The first was 16 oz. And it's more of a shake than a juice. Well, actually, it's a bit more of a chopped salad. I wonder if I can get away with adding some kalamata olives, feta cheese, olive oil, basil and garlic to this. I'm drinking more because I want to get full.
When I was half way through my first glass, I told Tim: "I can feel something moving." Five minutes later I was in the bathroom. Cleansing.
Why am I doing this again? Oh, yeah. I want to get rid of things I don't need. I want to come back to a truer sense of self, only carrying with me exactly what I need. And my boyfriends going to be gone for three weeks, so I'm telling myself that I want to look super hot for him when he comes home. That's the vain part of me speaking. But I really want to change my routine around.
I shaved my head again yesterday, six weeks to the day I did it before. My Dad's been gone for six weeks. I think it's time to start making some changes. I think I need to really set a schedule for myself. That's what I'm trying to do as well, so that when the Drummer returns, I will have a set schedule for myself that I will stick to.
Oh, so here's the juice I'm drinking:
kale
celery
apple
lemon
parsley
spinach
cucumber
romaine
Mmmm...hopefully it'll make my cum taste better. Or maybe that'll be the pineapple and apple juice I'll be trying later. Yum.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Reboot: Cleanse 3.0
Okay, so I'm going to do a juice cleanse starting tomorrow. This will be my third attempt at a cleanse this year.
1) I didn't finish. I tried to do it during the beginning of the year while I was travelling. Not that successful. It was a repeat of the 21 day immunity cleanse I did last year.
2) I decided to do when the Drummer was doing his cleanse. I lost 10 pounds. But I've since gained some back. This was during an intense part of my father's illness.
3) I'm kicking it off with a juice cleanse. Then going into the second week of my 21 day cleanse when I cut out white flour, sugar, all meat, soy, tobacco, alcohol, caffeine and cooking with oil. And all preservatives.
Why?
The Drummer is on tour. He's gone for three weeks. This is the first time I've had to myself since my Dad died. And I think I need some uninterrupted me time while he's gone. One of the healthy things I want to do for myself is to cleanse myself of things I don't need. I have weight I don't need. I have toxins in my body I don't need. I actually have some people in my life I don't need right now either. I want to cleanse my body first with a deep juice cleanse and then I want to just live as purely and raw as possible. Just for a bit to see what I can take away from that. It's like a retreat from my regular life.
I'm going to try and be a bit quieter as well. Reading lots of books and finishing this pilot I'm supposed to be reading. Maybe some spa time as well. But really just some time to focus, to rest, to write and to be with my thoughts.
I'm stripping down! Maybe I'll go do some nude beaching at some point too. I just need to strip some things away. Cleanses have the tendency to be emotional. And I wouldn't mind a bit of emotion. Not at all. That would not be a bad thing at all.
I feel I need to strip away some of the dead skin that's hanging off of me since my Dad died. It's like losing a bunch of weight and getting surgery to trim the hanging fat. I'm tightening myself up.
1) I didn't finish. I tried to do it during the beginning of the year while I was travelling. Not that successful. It was a repeat of the 21 day immunity cleanse I did last year.
2) I decided to do when the Drummer was doing his cleanse. I lost 10 pounds. But I've since gained some back. This was during an intense part of my father's illness.
3) I'm kicking it off with a juice cleanse. Then going into the second week of my 21 day cleanse when I cut out white flour, sugar, all meat, soy, tobacco, alcohol, caffeine and cooking with oil. And all preservatives.
Why?
The Drummer is on tour. He's gone for three weeks. This is the first time I've had to myself since my Dad died. And I think I need some uninterrupted me time while he's gone. One of the healthy things I want to do for myself is to cleanse myself of things I don't need. I have weight I don't need. I have toxins in my body I don't need. I actually have some people in my life I don't need right now either. I want to cleanse my body first with a deep juice cleanse and then I want to just live as purely and raw as possible. Just for a bit to see what I can take away from that. It's like a retreat from my regular life.
I'm going to try and be a bit quieter as well. Reading lots of books and finishing this pilot I'm supposed to be reading. Maybe some spa time as well. But really just some time to focus, to rest, to write and to be with my thoughts.
I'm stripping down! Maybe I'll go do some nude beaching at some point too. I just need to strip some things away. Cleanses have the tendency to be emotional. And I wouldn't mind a bit of emotion. Not at all. That would not be a bad thing at all.
I feel I need to strip away some of the dead skin that's hanging off of me since my Dad died. It's like losing a bunch of weight and getting surgery to trim the hanging fat. I'm tightening myself up.
Friday, August 24, 2012
I See Dead People
Or people talking about dead people. On You Tube.
Today, on the one month anniversary of my Dad's death, I ended up watching a lot of videos featuring people who had loved ones who died. I watched Jane Fonda talk about how On Golden Pond was her way of trying to find closure with her father, Henry Fonda.. I watched Paris Jackson talk about her father and what a great cook he was. I listened to Janet talk about Michael and how it all still seemed pretty fresh. David Burtka, Neil Patrick Harris' fiancee, was talking about his mother who had always wanted grandchildren and didn't live to see David and Neil's twins. Bobbi Kristina talked about how Whitney is still with her and telling her "I got you" from beyond the grave.
I guess I'm still looking for clues on how to handle all of this. Even though everyone's experience is different, it helps to hear about those experiences.
I watched all of that while procrastinating from working on this outline for this pilot I'm trying to get done. I finally finished the outline over the course of five hours. It's a lot of work, this writing. Now I'm procrastinating going to bed by typing this blog and will probably watch some more You Tube videos.
As much as it seems like the month has flown by, it also seems like he's been gone a year already. It's a weird sensation.
Something Bobbi Kristina said that resonated with me was that she feels her mother's presence more now than she did when she was alive. And I can definitely relate to that. I feel my Dad around me so much more than I did when he was alive. I guess that's nice because that means that he's always with me.
Today, on the one month anniversary of my Dad's death, I ended up watching a lot of videos featuring people who had loved ones who died. I watched Jane Fonda talk about how On Golden Pond was her way of trying to find closure with her father, Henry Fonda.. I watched Paris Jackson talk about her father and what a great cook he was. I listened to Janet talk about Michael and how it all still seemed pretty fresh. David Burtka, Neil Patrick Harris' fiancee, was talking about his mother who had always wanted grandchildren and didn't live to see David and Neil's twins. Bobbi Kristina talked about how Whitney is still with her and telling her "I got you" from beyond the grave.
I guess I'm still looking for clues on how to handle all of this. Even though everyone's experience is different, it helps to hear about those experiences.
I watched all of that while procrastinating from working on this outline for this pilot I'm trying to get done. I finally finished the outline over the course of five hours. It's a lot of work, this writing. Now I'm procrastinating going to bed by typing this blog and will probably watch some more You Tube videos.
As much as it seems like the month has flown by, it also seems like he's been gone a year already. It's a weird sensation.
Something Bobbi Kristina said that resonated with me was that she feels her mother's presence more now than she did when she was alive. And I can definitely relate to that. I feel my Dad around me so much more than I did when he was alive. I guess that's nice because that means that he's always with me.
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