Keeping Up Appearances

I recently wrote on a Facebook post that I shaved my head in July 2012, then kept shaving it until April 2013.  I had a wedding to go to and I wanted to make sure I looked good.  Then I decided to let it grow out.  In August 2013, I got a haircut from my childhood barber (who I will probably never see again).  Ever since then I have been growing my hair out.  I let the sideburns go.  I let my hair go.  I didn't care. I had other things to worry about.  I had been writing a lot.  I worked on losing some weight, but I didn't care about how I looked.  I also needed to grow my fresh hair back as a way to get back to myself.

It looked all right.  I even considered keeping it long and letting it get shoulder length so I could ombre it at the ends and look like Jared Leto.  The only problem: I'm not Jared Leto.  Well, and one other problem, I was getting impatient.  I noticed that I was looking kind of shaggy.  And as much as I would just love to be some intellectual who doesn't care about what his hair looks like, I know I'm not that person.

Honor thy Error as thy True Intention.

Okay, so maybe it really read: Honor Your Error as Your True Intention.  I just liked making it sound more old world.  I'm a vain person.  But I think my vanity comes from wanting to present myself a certain way.  And I started to notice how flat the hair was looking.  I had just let it grow.  I didn't trim my sideburns much.  I didn't thin it out.  I have very thick hair and usually I have to cut into it with a razor to "give it texture."  It had no texture.  It was my full head of hair.  The full head of hair I hadn't had for a long time because even when I had hair, it was styled.

I was cleansing myself of my cleansing.  I had shaved my head to cleanse myself.  I wanted to show how different I was because my Dad had died.  I wanted to mark the event.  I later found out that shaving of the head after someone dies is a spiritual thing.  It's supposed to mean that you're not invested in vanity.  It removes vanity because the mourning process is about the person who has died.  So I stripped myself clean.  I kept my head shaved because I wasn't ready to let go.  My head was shaved for almost nine months.  It started to feel like a security blanket.  I'm in mourning, leave me alone.

Then I went to Hawaii to spread my Dad's ashes.  Once we came back, I knew I wanted to grow my hair out again.  So I just let it grow.  It got to a point where it really needed to be trimmed and shaped.  I wasn't ready to go back to a stylist.  I wasn't ready to just hop back into my vanity.  So as a tribute, I went to the guy who had been shaving my head at my childhood barber shop and I had him trim the back and the sides a bit.  He cleaned me up.  So at least I looked presentable.  But it wasn't a style.  It wasn't a coif.  It was just a haircut at a barber shop.  That seemed fine to me.

Like I said, I was cleansing myself of my cleansing by growing my hair out.  I hadn't had my hair long since my break up over three years ago when I cut my hair to get rid of the image of me that this ex had.  He loved my hair long and I got rid of it because I wanted to get him out of my system.  It's documented on the early days of this blog as a matter of fact.  Summer went.  Fall came.  I went to Sonoma to a friend's house and I was around a bunch of hot looking gay guys.  I just let it keep growing.  I wasn't trying to compete or compare.  I had a bigger mission.  I needed to grow my hair long for me.  It was the me that I felt the most comfortable with, not because my hair looked great long, but because people liked it.  I have been told that I have beautiful hair since I started growing it out in college.

Eventually, it just got longer and longer.  2014 began.  I knew I had to cut it soon, but I just needed to let it grow and grow and grow.  Then I thought of keeping it going and going all Jared Leto like I said. But then I started working again and being vital again.  I was working on a new play and a new pilot.  I had thought about re-entering my old world, but this time being different.  I was too busy being a worker bee to care about how I looked.  And somehow that persona became comfortable.  Too comfortable.  I felt like Grizzly Adams.  But slowly, what started happening was that I started to lose weight.  I lost about 15ish pounds.  And the long hair started to look slovenly to me.  It started to look uncool.  I started realizing how uncool I looked.  Vanity came back.

But I realized, it wasn't just about being cool.  It was about presenting myself to the world and I had stopped doing that.  I had stopped caring.  I got an influx of cash through work and I thought about how I could procure more work.  I started pursuing some opportunities to put my work out into the public.  And i realized that I would have to start putting myself into the public soon.  But the person I appeared to be wasn't a public person.  This was not a good presentation.  I had grown out sideburns and hair that started to smell after a week of not washing.  Even pulling my hair back when I was in the shower started not to look so hot.  I realized I had to start having a healthy relationship to my vanity, which was integral to who I am.  To deny my vanity was to deny myself.

I had been living a secluded life.  I had been living a life on hold for so long that I started caring less about my appearance.  But to be fair, I don't think my life over the three years really has been about my appearance.  It has been a serious period of growth and reflection.  I feel like I have been on a spiritual retreat for three years, but still living my life.  It's like having walking pneumonia.  Or it's like a walking meditation.  I wasn't closing my eyes or going into a cave or being silent, but I was removed from my life while I was living it in order to reflect on it.  Now my outer self had begun to represent this inner journey.  But the problem was that I was getting ready to leave the sanctity of my quiet, reflective life in order to re-enter a world I had felt ambivalent about.  My ambivalence was showing in my appearance. And I didn't want it any more.

I knew I wanted to have some sort of look.  And I knew it would start with clothes.  I went to the Adidas Employee Store in Portland.  Half off and no sales tax.  That sounded like a good place to start a make over.  I got some new shoes just for fashion.  Then I bought a couple of hoodies.  I bought some tank tops.  I got another pair of shoes for running.  I knew I would look cool hanging out or working out or running.  I started to think about looking cool again.

Then I called my friend Nina who cuts hair.  I had run into Nina at my best friend's bachelorette party.  She cut my hair years ago and she knew what I used to look like.  So I made an appointment.  And I cut it all off.

I realized that I no longer wanted to look like the guy my ex wanted.
I no longer could base my look on a reaction to not looking like the guy he wanted.
I shaved my head for my Dad for a very good reason, but that's not who I am either.
And I'm not the guy who doesn't care what he looks like.

Every time Nina brought the razor blade out to cut into my hair and thin it out, I felt like I was taking the weight of the past three years off of my shoulders.  I had decided to go longer on the top and shorter on the sides without looking like a hipster.  That's not my look.  I like clean and classic, with a bit of edge that comes from being a brown preppy type guy.

I looked great.  I could now see how the weight loss looked on my face.  I was no longer hiding.  I was making money, being productive, making a plan for how to save money and be productive and make more money.  I felt of the world again.

So I kept trying to find the right pair of jeans.  I felt like I needed some jeans that reflected who I am.  I had a pair borrowed from a friend.  And I had a lot of boyfriend jeans or pants that used to look good on me.  I didn't want any of that any more.  But none of the jeans I found fit well.  Then I went to the Gap Outlet with my Mom today and I decided to try on some jeans.  They were half off.  The skinny jeans in a size up fit perfectly.  So I got two different washes.  And a denim shirt.

I tried out a denim on denim look, which is on trend right now.  It looked terrific.  I had a look that made me happy.  I started to see myself.  I started to see how I could walk into a room and look someone in the eye.  I started to see my youth and my confidence.

Appearances are important.  To me.  I love fashion.  I love telling a story about myself through my appearance.  I went into my closet and picked the clothes that best represent me now.  I'm not quite done with the shopping, I'm sure.  But I just wanted some clothes that felt good to put on.  I needed some swagger and I've got it back.

I can't forget about me.  I can't stop living life on my terms.  This is my look.

I am grateful for all the new clothes I bought.
I am grateful for the work opportunities that helped out with achieving my new look.
I am grateful for Nina.
I am grateful for the time to reflect.
I am grateful that I look handsome again.