Leaving the Past in the Past

I've been having these dreams lately about my dogs.

When I broke up with the Ex, I had to leave my dogs behind becuase I didn't know where I would be living. And to be honest, he was the one who had suggested we get them in the first place. I obviously fell in love with them and together we were this family. But because I haven't seen my Ex, I haven't seen my dogs.

So before I had class yesterday, I reached out to my Ex in an email saying that I had been dreaming about the dogs and that I would love to see them. I also said that I hoped we could be friendly.

His response back was that he was on his Shamanic journey in Kauai and had asked for healing energy. SO he wasn't surprised that I was reaching out to him. But that he felt that it might be confusing for the dogs if I saw them again, so he'd have to think about it. Because I had left them behind and hadn't reached out during his time of need, he didn't know if this was the right thing to do.

And my response to that was that I had left them behind because I had to do what was right for me. I would never be so arrogant as to think what might be right for him, so I had to do what was right for me. I also said that even though our break up might have not been great for him emotionally, I'm certain that the other areas of his life are benefiting because I'm no longer an opposition for him. We eventually wanted different things from life and were just getting in each other's way.

I needed someone who's not so hidden from me emotionally. I needed not to feel wrong at every turn. I needed to feel loved unconditionally. And while some of that is happening with the Drummer, I still struggle with being comfortable with all of it. Just because I need it doesn't mean that it's easy for me to accept. That's MY healing.

So whatever happens with the Ex, if we are friends or friendly or non-existent to each other, I'm happy about that. He sent healing energy to me AND for us. And I thank him for that because this is what's helping me heal. Every spiritual practice that he introduced me to, I've benefited from. From Kabbalah to working with this shaman. It's helped me process what is going on in my life. It's a good thing.

And if I never see my dogs again, I just asked him if he would just let them know that I love them from time to time. It breaks my heart, and I think it's unnecessarily cruel and not very spiritual, but again I can't be so arrogant to think of what might be right for him to do. All I can do is leave the past in the past and be here now.

Ending this Chapter

When I started this blog, it was to really document my life post-break up. And now that I'm winding my blog down (at least THIS blog), I can truly say that my life has changed for the better.

I've been single for over seven months...so it feels odd to feel that I need to write about how I'm coming back to myself because as the title reads "I'm back!" And I've been back for some time.

Now my life consists of going to play rehearsal...I've got a workshop coming up at the end of June and I had my first rehearsal with my director and actors yesterday. Writing is back front and center in my life. And being a playwright is back front and center in my life. I finished a full draft of my new play, THE SNAKE CHARMER, this past week. I used to go to the Humana Festival in Louisville, KY every year for my old job and that was my one weekend a year to really geek out and talk theatre. Now I talk about theatre all of the time. I just joined a group of LA writers working in theatre, film and TV called The Playwrights Union. I'm going to my friend Padraic's play here in LA on Tuesday. I'm going to see the Rude Mechs' The Method Gun on Thursday with my friend Karen. My theatre friends are here on Thursday through Sunday for the National Theatre Communications Group conference.

I truly feel like a playwright again. Not just because I'm having one very big intense week of theatre infusion, but because I'm actively writing and developing my work. And constantly finding more opportunities to do so. I've always loved the work I do and now I have the freedom to do it all of the time.

But this is just my life now. It's no longer about the journey to myself (although, it is a lifetime journey). I've broken free - although I do think about him from time to time. But I think the content and format of a blog should be different. Because this is a different chapter.

I'm also wanting to have a lot more fun. I want to write more about my sex life and my creative life...and my future dating life. This blog has been about figuring all of that stuff out in the early stages of a break up. And so much of it relates back to the break up. I no longer want to be defined by the break up, although there are obviously going to be references in the new blog I'll be starting.

I see these blogs as being short term. And I see them as being like novels. Like modern day Armistead Maupin novels (yes, I know he's alive and still writing them and that this statement may come to haunt me). I see myself as constantly reinventing myself and my blogs as time goes on. Each one will be finite and will be dedicated to a different theme, according to what's going on in my life at the time.

But it's time for more fun. And now that my job has ended and I'll be entering a new transition, that's a whole different thing as well. Life is constantly evolving and it does take place in chapters, some short and some longer.

I feel good about what this chapter in my life has meant and I feel truly appreciative for how this blog has helped me heal.

The bird has flown the coop! Watch me fly!