I Get It

When I was trying to figure out how to be friends with The Drummer and I was being given no indication that he wanted that, my Mom kept saying - "He doesn't want to have anything to do with you. It's over for him. He's moved on."

That was all before I found out he had actually moved on with someone else. And had been moved on for awhile. But I took him at his word.

And that was my mistake.

This is a guy whose word can't be trusted. It doesn't mean much. He didn't stand up for me when we were together because he wasn't out to his parents. I never held a place of importance in his life. He hesitated when introducing me to people. I don't know if he truly trusted in the relationship.

The truth is that he didn't trust in relationships. This was long before me. I don't know if it has changed because he is in this new relationship. I'm led to believe that it hasn't changed because I don't think a person makes that big a sea change with no distance in between relationships.

He's a liar. He was untruthful to me about how he felt. He knew for a long time that he didn't want to be in the relationship and he kept that from me. Truth be told, I had my own doubts. But I always had faith we could work it out. I'm still bad at letting things go past their expiration date. I need to be better at that.

I don't need to say any more - "But he's a great guy…" or "As sweet as he is…" In this situation, he was neither great nor sweet. As to whether or not he had started something when we were still together - either physically or emotionally - I can't speak to that because I don't know. I choose to be in denial and trust that he wouldn't do that. I choose to believe him when he tells me that things started afterward.

And here's where my ego gets bruised - how could he move on so quickly? Does it matter? He moved on. He's done.

I get it. It took me awhile. But I get it. He says the things he is supposed to say because he feels guilty for something he either did or thought about doing.

Do I need to be friends with him? I don't know if that's a question I can answer yet. I know in my heart, I would like to be friends. But would that friendship be rooted in nostalgia. Honestly, my life isn't less rich because I'm not friends with the Ex that started this blog. Sometimes I get nostalgic and I want a friendship with him. But it doesn't make me feel empty. That's probably going to be true with The Drummer too. I don't need him in my life to make it richer.

I have a path I'm on. And that path includes a career. It includes Hollywood. It includes the entertainment industry. Not that any of those things give me value or importance. But that's the world I'm in, like it or not. I'm a moody, creative, angsty writer. He was a distant, transient drummer. I don't know if I could ever know him as deeply as I wanted to. I literally wanted to be inside of him. Well…I only did that once. But I think that even figuratively, it was to get inside of him.

With the Drummer, I wore out the A side. But what I wanted was the cool, underappreciated B side. And that's the side I never got to.

I don't know who the next guy is going to be. I don't know when. I don't want it now. But, with everything in life, that's not up to me. I'm not open to it. And maybe I need to be single for a long, long time. My godmother certainly thinks so. She thinks I need to spend years by myself. We'll see how that works.

I told The Drummer that if he wanted a friendship, he would need to reach out to me. Do I think he's going to do that? No.

So having a friendship is really up to him. I'll pick up the phone, always. But I have to force myself to not reach out. I need to do that for myself. Honestly. That's going to be really hard to do.

I am not going to reach out to his friends. They don't need to be my friends. They're not people I had much in common with anyway. And I'm not talking about some people I feel I had a connection with. There are those people. I'm talking about the friends I was friendly to on a periphery level. They're loyal to him, as they should be. That door is closed.

I am grateful that I'm moving on.
I am grateful that I'm getting there.
I am grateful that I'm at peace.
I am grateful that I get the opportunity to be comfortable with myself, alone.
I am grateful that today is better than the same day last year.

Five Years Ago Today

The Drummer and I went on our first date five years ago today. On a Monday. It would have been our fifth anniversary today. And I closed the door on that chapter TODAY. The Universe has a poetic approach to life cycles.

I went and got the rest of my camping equipment today. I wanted a clean break. When I came over, he was on the phone and I looked around the place. I saw a digital photo frame. I looked at the pictures why I was waiting for him. Then I saw photographs of the two of them. My breath got short. I physically had a reaction - like people do in the movies. It was very dramatic - and very authentic as well. They looked happy. They are happy. That's it.

Out of hurt, I asked a lot of questions clarifying how they met. I wanted to know if they met before they broke up. They met in February. The new guy's birthday is February 23rd (not sure why he told me this). My breath got shorter. I got in the car and went on a ride along with the Ego Police. I was angry and upset and self-involved. It was not a good look for me, but it was honest. Too honest, maybe.

He wanted to cut the conversation short at that point and expressed that he had a lot to get done before he left town. I backed off because it was reminding me too much of what he would say to me all of the time any time I tried to express anything "this deep (his words)." That was a good reminder of our differences. But more than anything, it was clear that I didn't give him what he needed - and found so quickly. And neither did he.

After I left - once we hugged, said "I love you", and realized that this was difficult and that we'll work on our friendship once we establish a different way of being something to each other -  I had an epiphany. He met the boyfriend in February. I got my job in February. The boyfriend's birthday is February 22nd. I started my job on February 23rd.  The Universe gave us each what we wanted once we separated. This separation was necessary for each of us to be truly happy. Our relationship made us realize what was really important and what was holding us each back. Unfortunately, it was each other. But the doors flew open once we got out of each other's way.

And that is beshert. 

I'll be okay.

I am grateful for the realization that the break up was right and meant to be.
I am grateful for the love of friends who listened to me work this out all weekend.
I am grateful for a place to write these thoughts down.
I am grateful that my relationship to my work is thriving.

Why Can't Today Be the Day I'm Doing Better

I got some news a couple of days ago about my ex boyfriend and the fact that he's moved on with somebody new. I've stopped and started, gotten over it then gotten upset about it again. I'm a glutton for punishment because I think I should mourn the relationship again and be hurt about something I've known six months before we broke up:

ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

He was over it long before we were over. I tried to put it all back together again. I knew the relationship was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it. I was up for a job out of town and he did a lot to help me prepare for the interview. It's possible that he was pushing me out the door. And then that didn't happen. But we were left with a broken relationship. So those six months in between were about me trying in vain to put our relationship back together again with someone who was lying to me - he didn't want us to be back together again. And he was too cowardly to tell me that.

There was the friendship he kept private and away from me. There was the family he kept away from me. There were so many ways he had compartamentalized his life that I tolerated. And I shouldn't have. But I did because I cared. I already mourned this relationship and I moved on by having a successful career. I don't need to mourn him again. He doesn't deserve that.

WHY CAN'T TODAY BE THE DAY I'M DOING BETTER?

I've mourned this already. I've been sad and disappointed. I've seen that he wasn't the right guy for me and he didn't treat me with respect. He always said that we should be respectful of each other and the constant ways he disrespected me are out there.

I would have made a mistake if I hadn't applied to that job in Portland.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't kept working on my plays.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't kept an office.
I would have made a mistake if I hadn't done things for myself.

I knew it would pay off and it did. But it only paid off for me. And I'm realizing that's the way it was meant to work out. My success wasn't meant for him. I had spent a lot of time supporting him and taking care of him with a pure, true heart. Because that's who I am. I say what I mean and I act out of how I feel. I have no poker face and no real ability to be dishonest. I wasn't perfect in our relationship. But I've copped to it.

So today doesn't need to be another day I'm in mourning. Yesterday was the day my anger got reignited. Yesterday was the day that I was reminded why were aren't together any more. Because I needed the reminder. My nostalgia wasn't allowing me to move on. I was getting stuck back there, only remembering the good times. I needed to be reminded that he could be a shitty boyfriend. He didn't take care of me. He didn't stand up for me. He didn't claim me. And that's why we grew apart. We made it too easy to focus elsewhere. We had an open relationship. I don't think it was a mistake, but I wouldn't do it again.

Yes, there were good things. Yes, I love him still. But he isn't the good guy he wants all to believe. Not that he's all bad either. He's a normal, human being who does shitty things just like the rest of us do.

So today's not going to be the day I mourn him again. Today's going to be the day I'm doing better. Or at least getting on the road to be doing better again.

I am grateful that I know more of the story.
I am grateful that I feel things.
I am grateful that I love myself.
I am grateful that I know who I am.
I am grateful that I live an authentic life and have for a long time.
I am grateful that things that are inauthentic seem to repel off of me.
I am grateful that I get it.

The Master Cleanse

This second half of the year for me is all about reinforcing the things I learned about myself in the first half of the year. Once I ended my relationship, my career started to take off. In the past month or so, I've forgotten some of those lessons because I started to get nostalgic about the relationship. Finding out that my ex has moved on with a new boyfriend has really made clear that that part of my life is over. And it's good to know that I can't go back to it, even in my head.

The first half of the year was about work. The second half of this year is a return to that. I took a bit of a respite because work was so draining. But now it's time to get back to it. And if the psychic I met last month had accurate predictions, things are about to get busy. I've decided to cleanse myself a bit from a few things in my life. And that will be a lot more difficult than just restricting myself from certain foods.

• No one night stands. As I type this, I get scared. That includes hook ups. I'd rather not say "celibacy" because I'm going to masturbate. But I'm going to go into gyms, korean spas, supermarkets, parties and other public events with no agenda to hook up. And I'm not going to hook up if the opportunity presents itself. I've never done this. I've thought about doing it, but I've never done it.
• Sobriety. I've done three sober months in the first six months of the year. I don't need alcohol. I've had some booze in the past month. I realized that I don't need it. It's fun, but I'm not getting wasted. So if I'm not getting wasted, then why drink at all? And I don't mean that to say that I should be getting blitzed. I mean that to say that I'm drinking to be social, but it's having no real effect on me. So if I don't need to drink to forget or cope, then why am I drinking?
• Whole 30. I'm going back on the Whole 30 for at least a month to see how I do on it again. But this time I'm going to do it as a culinary challenge. I'm going to focus on making recipes and not on the health benefits. I want to have an adventure with the types of recipes I can make. I want to do different culinary things. There are things in my diet that I like that I'm going to try and replicate. 
• Meditation. I start a three week meditation course on Monday. That will jump start my practice again. I need to be meditating at least once a day. It does such good things for me and that's what my body and my mind want to do. They want to spend more time in silence.
• Exercise. The last time I did my Whole 30, I hardly exercised. I want to see bigger results this time around, all around. And I think that exercising will help me get there. The things that work for me are cardio--spinning, dancing and running. I'd like to try to evolve and add more weight training to that. But more hard core circuit type stuff and boot camp type stuff. I've changed my mind and now I want to change my body so I can change my mind even deeper. I need to look different to support how different I am.

When my Dad died, I shaved my head to signify how different I felt. Now I want to change my body to feel how different I am. I have my Cize workouts that I can do. I have my gym membership and the spinning that I love doing. I should go back and take spin classes to at least get me disciplined. I'm thinking of swimming at the local gym as well to just test out how that makes me feel. Doing laps. I want my body to change and I want to see a different person in the mirror. Not out of vanity. But because I need to see a different person looking back at me to show me the change I have made. It's not just about something superficial like a haircut or a tattoo. It's literally morphing my body into something different to show the change that I've made.

I'm realizing that the ex didn't make all the changes after our relationship ended to hurt me. He made those changes because that's who he really is. And I've made changes to show who I really am. We were not being our true selves together. And I don't need to write him to tell him that. It's enough that I have written it here and that I know. I'm forgiving myself for not feeling adequate enough to keep him. And in forgiving myself, I have forgiven him.

I am grateful for the understanding in my heart.

I am grateful for the things I know about myself.

I am grateful to be in a new place in my life.

I am grateful to be truly happy.

I am grateful.

No Regrets

Today I ripped off a band-aid.
Yesterday, I found out that my ex-boyfriend, The Drummer, had a new boyfriend. A friend tried to "soften the blow" by letting me know. In that aftermath, I decided that I needed to get certain things from the house that I had put off grabbing six months ago. I needed to close a chapter.

Well, I didn't realize just how much of that chapter was unknown to me until today. I arranged to meet him at his place--where I also used to live. He greeted me and he looked great. He had lost some weight. He looked tan and happy. He's doing pilates now and is finally using the yoga mat I had given him five years ago for his birthday--the yoga mat he never used. The place was the cleanest I had ever seen it. I knew he had this new boyfriend and I didn't want to tell him I knew.

We talked about his recent gigs and some videos he was editing. We chatted about what he has been up to work wise. We talked about our break up a bit. There was a lot of chatting until I finally got the nerve to ask him about his boyfriend. But I had a change of heart. Our friend had asked me not to mention that she had told me about the new guy. I originally planned to honor that. But I then decided to honor myself. I didn't want to be dishonest.

I told him I knew and I had thought about lying, but I didn't want to do that. He admitted that he has been seeing someone new. And that this new boyfriend and him have been dating for four months. Whoa. Okay. Four months. Really. All right. I took a breath and was not doing a great job at appearing calm. They met at one of his gigs, not through mutual friends, which I kind of worried about. He's younger than The Drummer. I found out that one of his best friends, who he always said he considered like an older brother, he hasn't seen in months. About the amount of time that he has been seeing this new guy. Interesting. I told him that this friend of his found no reason to be polite to me any more when he saw me at the gym. He seemed surprised by this. I wasn't because I always felt the friend wanted to date The Drummer instead of me. The Drummer never brought us all together to make things less awkward. I had to beg The Drummer to set up a time for us all to meet. There was something either about me or about his life at the time that he had to compartimentalize.

I had to go meet my friend and so I decided that I needed to get the camping equipment I set out to retrieve. And as we were getting that stuff, I asked The Drummer if he took the new boyfriend to Joshua Tree for Memorial Day with all of his friends. He did. All right. Let me take a breath. But he clarified that he and the new boyfriend did not sleep in my father's tent. Small victories.

He helped me take my stuff to the car. I had one last question that I really didn't want to ask. But I had a feeling. I asked him if he was taking the new guy to Wisconsin when he was going to meet his parents. And the answer was: YES. I about lost it. I had to leave. When we were together he wasn't out to his parents, so I never met them in the four and a half years we were together. And this guy swoops in and meets the parents, enjoying the benefit of all the ground work I had laid out. I didn't want to be angry or to lose my composure. But I did. I'm hurt. I'm deeply hurt. It feels like the break up all over again in some ways.

But as he admitted, the relationship was over long before it was over and he was ready to move on. And move on he did. It's going to take me a minute to get past this.

And this is the reason I did not keep up my end of the bargain to keep quiet about knowing about the boyfriend for the friend who told me. She wanted me to have time to process before this party. But I didn't have all the information because she did not have all of the information. So I still would have been blindsided by a bunch of things. I also did not like that she did not approach The Drummer to let him know that she wanted to tell me and to give him the option to tell me himself. The Drummer said that he wishes he had the chance to tell me. But he was also avoiding the conversation. Four months in and I've been calling him and talking to him about stuff--and no mention of it.

Earlier in the conversation, he mentioned that he spent Fourth of July with a friend and his family in a local suburb. I knew that this "friend" was his boyfriend. And through some investigative reporting (i.e. stalking), I found out who this guy is. I had the information about where this guy's office is and what he does for a living. Made it pretty easy.

Now I'm not proud of myself for doing this. It's late at night and it's been on my mind. For the record, he is very cute. And he looks like he's got a good body. The Drummer was always able to get the good lookers. He's a great looker himself. He's the hottest guy I've ever dated seriously. I've slept with plenty of hot dudes. But he's the hottest long term relationship I've had. Why does that matter? I'm shallow.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll make smarter choices and I won't be a total stalker. But tonight, I'm hurt. Here's the silver lining: the Universe reminded me of who my ex is. He's a kind and wonderful guy. But he's not someone I felt took care of me during our relationship. He didn't stand up for me in proudly introducing me to people. I was always introduced with a sense of doubt and anxiety - as if I would do something that would paint him in a negative light. And, as someone who wants to be my friend, I expect him to take care of me as his friend as well. But he didn't do that either. It's over. And I want to close this chapter so that if we're meant to open up the friendship chapter, we can do that.

A few friends reminded me that I helped him out in our relationship to live a truer life by example. And as his friend, I am happy for any part I had in that. But it's over.

I am grateful that the Universe reminded me of the path I needed to be on.
I am grateful that I have some closure.
I am grateful to focus on myself for a bit.
I am grateful that I have work to keep me busy.
I am grateful that I have friends who love me.
I am grateful to The Drummer for teaching me to love more unconditionally and more openly.

Five Months Later...

This blog started out as a documentation of a break up. Then I found love. And then we broke up. The documentation of that break up was essentially four blog posts.

Over the past five months since my last post, I have had a lot of career and creative triumphs. I got staffed on a show, I started developing a show, and I'm a new member of a theatre company I've long admired. Great distractions from emotions. I just got back from a trip to see my brother and his family in Portland. Then at the airport I got news that brought it all back full circle.

Apparently, The Drummer has a new boyfriend. I was talking to my friend Andrea last night and I had a feeling that he would start dating before I started dating. I'm definitely not ready to date. I'm trying to figure out the other shit too. I had a crazy time at the bathhouse this weekend where I was thrown against a wall--in a passionate way, by a guy who was passionate and drunk. I needed to release some tension. I'm not ready to date, but I want a little bit of intimacy. I'm not sure how to navigate that yet, so I'm just ignoring that part of my life. But when I find out The Drummer has a new boyfriend, I can't ignore my feelings.

If I'm being 100 percent honest with myself, I was hoping that he would be single for awhile. In my mind, that would mean that he needed time to get over the relationship. But there's no better way to get over one relationship than to get into another one, right? I had a two hour conversation with The Drummer about a few weeks ago, when he was clearly already dating this guy. I had confronted him about the fact that he needed to make an effort if he wanted us to be friends, like he claimed he wanted. But why would you want to be friends with your ex when you're in the midst of getting to know someone new? There's no motivation for that. The answer to why he wasn't reaching out to be more was right in front of my face. It's the most obvious reason.

And I've been holding on. I'm not acting like we're broken up. But I don't want to get back together either. I'm stringing myself along. So it's officially over. He's got someone new. That didn't take long. This friend told me in a way that was the equivalent of spitting on a dick and shoving it in me. No lube, no warning, not "just the tip." Full penetration.

"So I'm having a party and I wanted to invite you and ________ and his boyfriend. I wanted to make sure that was okay."

Boyfriend?
Excuse me?
I didn't know he had a boyfriend.
My friend knew I didn't know he had a boyfriend. I don't think she was trying to stir the pot. And it really felt like this disclosure was about making her party special.
I'm really not sure why she told me, other than to make sure I was used to the idea by the time of her party, which she mentioned.
It wasn't to be hurtful, I'm clear on that.

And in that moment I thought all the things you're not supposed to think:

• How does he have a boyfriend already?
• Was he working on this when we were together?
• He's cuter than me. He has to be cuter than me.
• He's more of a grown up. He drives a better car than me.
• Why couldn't he tell me himself?

And then I remembered that The Drummer wasn't the most direct guy. I don't know if he put our friend up to the task--indirectly or directly. And then I realized he hasn't changed. These were the reasons we're not together anymore.

• He's got to make it all seem okay when it's not.
• He wasn't going to tell me, but he was going to keep refusing my invitations to meet up.
• I was making all of the effort when he was disinterested.

And then I felt a lot of guilt. Like I had pushed him away and then he retreated and then it became this pattern back and forth. I felt sorry for myself for a good hour or so. I texted a bunch of friends for sympathy. Classic Me.

Then I thought about it some more. It's over. I need to believe that it's over. I need to move on. Not into someone else's arms. But into my own arms. I need to embrace myself and love myself and date myself for a while. I don't want to be with anyone. Maybe I was scared to be alone. Maybe that's why I stayed so long. I loved him. I wasn't suffering. But it had just gotten so complacent and I was part of that. For some reason we weren't allowing each other to grow.

I know I don't want to be back with him. And I'm honestly bummed that he's got a boyfriend. I'd like to be a bigger person, but I'm not. Not tonight, anyway.

I am grateful for friends who have kicked me in the ass.

I am grateful for the love we had.

I am grateful for the ability and capacity to move on.

I am grateful that life has been good to me.

I am grateful for distracting airport Direct TV that has Bravo.

I am grateful for Bethenny Frankel and her one liners.

What My Month Long Cleanse Taught Me

Five years ago when I went through my previous break up, I went on a cleanse. The purpose of that was to find out what I didn't need in my life and in my body. I became aware that there are things we thoughtlessly allow into our lives when we're not paying attention. Mindless eating becomes mindless friendships, relationships, messages about ourselves, messages about others, jealousy, envy, hatred, etc. I vowed to become more mindful in how I proceed through life. I also wanted to be mindful about what I allowed into my life.

I think it was that first step toward  mindfulness which has lead to my desire for silence which has lead to my stillness and meditation practices. Now that I have just finished another cleanse after another relationship has ended, maybe there are different things to be left with. After that first cleanse, I stopped drinking coffee and haven't touched it since. I've gotten rid of most caffeine as well, although I'll have green tea from time to time and chocolate.

I did not miss alcohol at all. I realize that it's a coping mechanism.  I don't miss cigarettes. I don't miss dairy all that much. I didn't necessarily miss meat until I smelled a roast chicken the other night. It made me want to eat something meaty. But for me, meaty is warm, salty, comforting, chewy. It's not necessarily meat. I need something that has that mouth feel or that savory quality. Vegetables all of the time don't have that. Beans have the warmth, but not the chew. Lentils can get close to that with ground beef. I do love lentils. My soy chorizo gets very close to that in a lot of ways, even though that seems to be somewhat processed.

I also realize that I don't have to be strict. Or that I can be strict, but I don't have to punish myself or feel bad if I slip. I just start back up again or I make up for it in a different way. When I had that grilled cheese on white bread with french fries the night I broke up with The Drummer, I didn't feel good afterward. It didn't feel like a real treat. Sushi felt amazing. It felt good for me. It felt pure. It was fantastic.

I realize that I have certain foods that I like and respond to in the vegan realm. I love a noodle. I love kale. I get into vegan tacos. I do enjoy my oatmeal in the morning as a consistent way to wake up. It feels akin to my meditation. The day starts out the same way every morning. That's very helpful.

So here are the things I realize I like after the cleanse:

• Kale
• Lentils
• Sushi
• Fish
• Red meat and chicken occasionally
• Certain types of dairy

Here are the things that I could do with less of:

• Cheese
• Dairy
• Red meat and chicken
• White potatoes, white bread, white sugar

I would love to cut out sugar completely from my diet. It's an energy thing much like the caffeine. I would love to know what it's like to cut out sugar from my diet. My dried cranberries have a little bit of sugar. That seems ambitious, but so did caffeine at one point.

I did not feel crazy at any point during the cleanse. Meaning, I didn't go through withdrawals. I didn't start craving tons of salt or sugar. During that first cleanse, I really started craving sugar in a mad way. I think that means that I've done a good job in these five years to be more mindful of what I eat. I cut out a lot of processed food. I cut out soda a lot, although I did go back to it a bit in the last few months of my relationship. I realize now that I was craving comfort and I was rewarding myself with root beer. Root beer is a great cheat for me. I love it so. But maybe I will choose craft root beer. It's much richer and it feels more decadent. 

I'm not going to deprive myself of anything. But again, there are things I know I can do without. This cleanse really is helping me deal with how I take care of myself. My instinct when I knew things were going south with the relationship was to go for a vegan and alcohol cleanse. Just like when I would go out of town and my instinct would be to go running every day and to live the healthy lifestyle I wasn't living at home. I love that my instinct is towards self care and not towards self-destruction. I started smoking again after the last break up. I have not had a cigarette this time around. It was a healthier relationship, so maybe I didn't need to. But it was also something the Drummer and I would do occasionally. And it was a habit he used to have that he started up again. That was his self-destructive nature coming out.

My cleanse has taught me so much about what I want. The saying, "You are what you eat" has never been truer for me. I am what I allow in. Everything I allow is a reflection of who I am as a person.

As I venture into non-vegan, non-sober territory this month, I have a lot to think about. I'm not putting the pressure on myself to be vegan or sober during my birthday month. But I don't want to go back to bad habits, either. My body feels so much better as it processes out most of the things it takes in. It just takes what it needs and it gets rid of what it doesn't. A good functioning filtration system can teach me a lot about what I need to let pass through me and what I should not hold onto. I'm going to make things a lot easier on myself going forward.

I am grateful for cleanses.

I am grateful for lighter meals.

I am grateful for honest communication.

I am grateful for being single.

I am grateful for hope and optimism.