What My Month Long Cleanse Taught Me

Five years ago when I went through my previous break up, I went on a cleanse. The purpose of that was to find out what I didn't need in my life and in my body. I became aware that there are things we thoughtlessly allow into our lives when we're not paying attention. Mindless eating becomes mindless friendships, relationships, messages about ourselves, messages about others, jealousy, envy, hatred, etc. I vowed to become more mindful in how I proceed through life. I also wanted to be mindful about what I allowed into my life.

I think it was that first step toward  mindfulness which has lead to my desire for silence which has lead to my stillness and meditation practices. Now that I have just finished another cleanse after another relationship has ended, maybe there are different things to be left with. After that first cleanse, I stopped drinking coffee and haven't touched it since. I've gotten rid of most caffeine as well, although I'll have green tea from time to time and chocolate.

I did not miss alcohol at all. I realize that it's a coping mechanism.  I don't miss cigarettes. I don't miss dairy all that much. I didn't necessarily miss meat until I smelled a roast chicken the other night. It made me want to eat something meaty. But for me, meaty is warm, salty, comforting, chewy. It's not necessarily meat. I need something that has that mouth feel or that savory quality. Vegetables all of the time don't have that. Beans have the warmth, but not the chew. Lentils can get close to that with ground beef. I do love lentils. My soy chorizo gets very close to that in a lot of ways, even though that seems to be somewhat processed.

I also realize that I don't have to be strict. Or that I can be strict, but I don't have to punish myself or feel bad if I slip. I just start back up again or I make up for it in a different way. When I had that grilled cheese on white bread with french fries the night I broke up with The Drummer, I didn't feel good afterward. It didn't feel like a real treat. Sushi felt amazing. It felt good for me. It felt pure. It was fantastic.

I realize that I have certain foods that I like and respond to in the vegan realm. I love a noodle. I love kale. I get into vegan tacos. I do enjoy my oatmeal in the morning as a consistent way to wake up. It feels akin to my meditation. The day starts out the same way every morning. That's very helpful.

So here are the things I realize I like after the cleanse:

• Kale
• Lentils
• Sushi
• Fish
• Red meat and chicken occasionally
• Certain types of dairy

Here are the things that I could do with less of:

• Cheese
• Dairy
• Red meat and chicken
• White potatoes, white bread, white sugar

I would love to cut out sugar completely from my diet. It's an energy thing much like the caffeine. I would love to know what it's like to cut out sugar from my diet. My dried cranberries have a little bit of sugar. That seems ambitious, but so did caffeine at one point.

I did not feel crazy at any point during the cleanse. Meaning, I didn't go through withdrawals. I didn't start craving tons of salt or sugar. During that first cleanse, I really started craving sugar in a mad way. I think that means that I've done a good job in these five years to be more mindful of what I eat. I cut out a lot of processed food. I cut out soda a lot, although I did go back to it a bit in the last few months of my relationship. I realize now that I was craving comfort and I was rewarding myself with root beer. Root beer is a great cheat for me. I love it so. But maybe I will choose craft root beer. It's much richer and it feels more decadent. 

I'm not going to deprive myself of anything. But again, there are things I know I can do without. This cleanse really is helping me deal with how I take care of myself. My instinct when I knew things were going south with the relationship was to go for a vegan and alcohol cleanse. Just like when I would go out of town and my instinct would be to go running every day and to live the healthy lifestyle I wasn't living at home. I love that my instinct is towards self care and not towards self-destruction. I started smoking again after the last break up. I have not had a cigarette this time around. It was a healthier relationship, so maybe I didn't need to. But it was also something the Drummer and I would do occasionally. And it was a habit he used to have that he started up again. That was his self-destructive nature coming out.

My cleanse has taught me so much about what I want. The saying, "You are what you eat" has never been truer for me. I am what I allow in. Everything I allow is a reflection of who I am as a person.

As I venture into non-vegan, non-sober territory this month, I have a lot to think about. I'm not putting the pressure on myself to be vegan or sober during my birthday month. But I don't want to go back to bad habits, either. My body feels so much better as it processes out most of the things it takes in. It just takes what it needs and it gets rid of what it doesn't. A good functioning filtration system can teach me a lot about what I need to let pass through me and what I should not hold onto. I'm going to make things a lot easier on myself going forward.

I am grateful for cleanses.

I am grateful for lighter meals.

I am grateful for honest communication.

I am grateful for being single.

I am grateful for hope and optimism.

Keeping a Clear Path

Now that this path is clear and I've cleansed myself of the boyfriend, I have to remember to keep this path clear. What is the path? The path is a launch pad for a rocket ship which is my ascension into the sky that has no limit towards what I want to do with my life.

I have to remember a few key things:

• Don't call him.
• Don't offer him anything.
• Don't be kind. Be civil.
• Don't be a dick. But don't feel like I have to be the good guy.
• Don't reach out.
• Don't fall back.
• Don't get back together.
• Work more.
• Sleep more.
• Concentrate.
• Work on the intentions you made late last year.
• Be grateful.
• Talk to friends.
• Offer enough to them, but don't replace the need to take care of the boyfriend with the need to take care of my friends.
• Stand tall.
• Stand firm.
• Continue.

I have to keep this path clear, now that I've gotten rid of the clutter that wasn't allowing it to take off. I have been revving up this engine for quite some time and once the rocket ship takes off it will have a ton of momentum and energy to take it where it needs to go.

I don't have any obstructions any more. I am single. I don't have a relationship holding me back or keeping me down. I had less that I was worried about this time around. But now even that is gone and now the rocket is ready to launch. The most important thing I need to remember and the thing that all of these items add up to is:

Keep a clear path.

I am grateful for silence.

I am grateful for phone calls and text messages and emails from loved ones.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for good food.

I am grateful for my cleanse.

A Supportive Boyfriend

I've had a lot of time to think over the past five days. I have been nothing but a supportive boyfriend to the last two men I was in long term relationships with. Maybe I should have been less supportive. Because that's time away from the stuff I needed to focus on. For the first two years of our relationship specifically, I needed an escape from my father's illness. So I went to gigs. I hung out with him and his friends. We went away on weekends. We did a lot of stuff together. And I absolutely loved it. I have great memories of the camping trips and the drives. I felt like we were at our best when we were away from everything. When he was away from his drum set and I was away from my lap top.

But as things got busier for me, we drifted apart. I had been supportive of him, but now I needed to be supported in getting back to the work I needed to do. And I worked really hard. But the harder I worked, the more strain our relationship seemed to take on. I could tell he felt my absence when I wasn't going to gigs as much any more or when it was harder to make plans. But throughout all of that, his schedule never budged. Any time that we would spend together needed to be taken out of my time to do the things I needed to do. And last year cemented the deal. I had even less time for him than I had the year before. The time we had together I tried to make the most out of. But he already felt abandoned because I was applying for jobs out of town. I can understand that. But he would never hesitate to take a job if he needed to. And he wouldn't have discussed it with me.

So the less time I had for him, the less supportive he felt. Yes, it's true that The Drummer is a nicer guy on the surface than the Ex. But The Drummer is also passive aggressive and doesn't like confrontation. So he started pulling away and he started doing things that showed he had less interest. He started to tease me more in ways that had the sting of truth to them. But he was never direct. And when he was direct, he was angry. He didn't know how to separate the two.

Now that we've been out of this relationship for five days, I see all of the ways that I put him before myself. I tried to make it all work. The main thing I did this time around that I didn't do with The Ex is that I always made time for myself. Despite his objections to it. I know that put strain on us and that is eventually what led to the break up. But I couldn't let go of the things that I needed to do. And that paid off. Because I left the relationship with material to show for. When the Ex and I broke up, I didn't have that. I was committed to so many other things that I didn't have any time for myself to write and I was left having to start from scratch. I didn't have to start over this time. I just now have more time to do what I've been doing all along. And I'm capable of that.

I've cleared the path way. I've cleared the launching pad for my rocket ship to take off. I'm a good, supportive friend. I go out of my way for the people I love and respect. And that's usually returned in kind. My mother made an observation recently that The Drummer never felt comfortable in front of my friends. At my best friend's wedding, he stayed at the table hanging out with my mother while I was dancing and socializing with her family, to whom I'm like a brother and a son. He often remarked with different sets of friends who were cultured and social that he felt he was being judged. I didn't even notice that he didn't like my friends. But I went out of my way to get along with his friends and it was easy because they were all wonderful people. I didn't have to try hard. But neither did he because my friends are wonderful people. But he never got that. He kept finding places for himself to feel excluded and rejected because of his personal history. He'd hate that I was diagnosing him or that I was discussing it in a blog.

The good thing is that when I felt like he was trying to squash my personal dignity, I ignored him. But the bad thing is that I was in a relationship where someone was trying to make me feel bad about myself. It wasn't as bad as the last guy. But it was more subversive. And he definitely didn't think he was doing that. He sees himself as the good guy. It's vital to his sense of himself that he is the good guy. But we all have our dark sides and our blind spots. No one's the good guy all of the time.

Given what happened to me last time, I should have known better. But he's charming and he really is sweet. But his core wasn't so generous. Other people noticed this. Even when I don't have that much, I give. But he wouldn't. And it's not about money, but it's about time and thoughtfulness. Even when he would pick up the bill, I could tell that it was killing him. Like the night we broke up. He picked up the check, but he did so reluctantly and like he was doing me a favor.

I still love him. That's going to take awhile to go away. But he wasn't a supportive boyfriend. It pains me to say that and to even think it. But he was not a supportive boyfriend. When he needed things, I was there and I didn't ask. But when I needed things, it was different. He'd say that he helped put a roof over my head. But he held that over my head and never let me forget it. He also never acknowledged or thanked me when I did things for him. On the other hand, that's what I get for depending on someone so much. That's completely on me. I can't let him take the fall for that.

I wanted kind. I got sweet. That's better than bitter, angry and verbally abusive. But it's still not enough.

I am grateful for what I know now.
I am grateful for the love we had.
I am grateful for the friends in my life who have come out for me.
I am grateful for support that continues to show up.
I am grateful for friends who know the person I am.

Denial as a Default

Funny: the things we return to time and time again. Denial's one of those things for me. When I get into a relationship, eventually I start denying myself certain things in service to the other person. I've got to fix that.

I'm waking up between 7-7:30 am these days. And I'm going to bed around midnight or 1 AM at the latest. That's my natural state. Seven hours of sleep is my natural state. Waking up early and getting my day started right away is my natural state. The Drummer is a night owl because he's a musician and likes to go to bed around 3 AM or later. It always bothered him that we weren't on the same schedule and I thought that was fascinating. I wrote it off as him making a big deal out of nothing. But to him, it was major. It said a lot about our compatibility. But what regular person keeps that sort of schedule. I had no problem with him going to bed at one time and me at another. But I did compromise when it came to waking up. I didn't get up earlier than 10 AM. I had a schedule that could support that. And I managed to get a lot done in my schedule. But it never felt natural. I denied myself my natural state.

I stopped asking for the things I needed. I needed better sex. I needed more kissing and passion, not just jerking off side by side. We weren't buddies. We were boyfriends. I needed someone who was more open with himself and more vulnerable. I had someone who looked right, who said the right things and who did enough of the right things to be seen as a good guy. And, in truth, that's a hell of a lot better than the Ex was after our break up (We have since reconciled and the Ex asked to make amends with me about six months ago after being sober for two years and counting).

I told myself that it wasn't as bad as the situation before that. Maybe that's why I stuck around. It was a low grade level of not perfect. It wasn't drag down fights and door slamming and shoe throwing. It was a quieter separation. It was a gradual dying. And now as the days continue to add up and separate us even further, it's clear that so much was wrong between us. 

In the next few weeks and months, I guess I should figure out why denial is my default. This is the luxurious time to do work on myself. But the truth is every day, even when in a relationship, should be an opportunity to do some outpatient work. Right now, I'm in full on inpatient care. But when I'm done with the more intensive work, I need to check in with myself every day and not fall back into denial. I need awareness to be my default.

I am grateful for the break up.

I am grateful for new awareness that's coming.

I am grateful for the loneliness that teaches me about what I really want.

I am grateful that I know how to take care of myself.

I Am Back Here

I started this blog five years ago as a response to a break up. And I return to this blog after almost a year of not posting after a break up. The Drummer and I are no more. I come here to write about my life away from my creative life. I have another blog for that. But this is a refuge for me because I am not posting about this break up on Facebook. I am calling and texting friends individually to let them know what's going on with me.

As I reflect on this latest break up and as I grab coffee with friends to chat about my feelings, I realize how different things are this time around. I started the year on a cleanse from meat and alcohol. I went on a cleanse shortly after the other break up because I needed to shed myself of things I didn't need. And in the anticipation to this break up, I guess subconsciously I felt like I needed to do the same thing. I'd like to give up booze, cigs and meat forever. The truth is that I hope to give up alcohol and cigarettes. I'd like to stop eating meat and animal products, but even just taking a break from them for at least a month is going to be totally helpful. The reason I did the cleanse the first time was to get rid of things I didn't need. To live simply.

For the past year, it has been clear to me that I was carrying anywhere between 20-30 pounds I didn't need. My friends would say that I look great. And I still think I manage to look nice. But it's never about looks for me. I love detoxing. I love every time I get rid of waste. I feel like I am purifying myself every time I get rid of something that's unnecessary. I could handle being 145-150 pounds with my frame without looking too skinny. I'm not going to set a certain time frame or a certain goal to shed weight. But I'm just going to start getting rid of things I don't need like stress, excess noise, tobacco, alcohol, meat, fake friends, etc. And we'll see what happens when I start letting go. What else will fall away? The truth is that I prefer the feeling of being hungry to being totally stuffed. Does that mean I have an eating disorder? Or does that mean that my inclination is towards pure necessity? Oh, who knows?

My friend Susan and I had a conversation today and she said something really profound. She knew a woman who was a little psychic who told her that she saw a rocket waiting to take off, but it didn't have a place to take off from. The area was cluttered. Susan shared this story with me as a way to support the fact that I was clearing the clutter in order for my rocket to take off. And it's true. The rocket has been revving up to go all year. And the rocket has been letting me know that it's ready to take off in 2016 because I've already got some things lined up and at the ready for the beginning of the year. I've got projects to work on, I'm teaching and some other job possibilities might be coming up. So I'm clearing that launch pad so I can take off. She also said to be careful of cluttering it up with other things, so I'm trying to be mindful of that as well.

I'm doing fine. I'm trying to reach out to friends. I didn't disconnect from my friendships like I did last time. I am active in my friends' lives. I have an active creative community. Things are all good. I'm staying busy and active. I do need to hit the gym a little bit harder these days. But other than that, I'm getting my self together.

And I'm still in shock. It hasn't been very long. So I'm sure other emotions will be creeping up.

I am grateful to be back.
I am grateful that I didn't stray too far from myself.
I am grateful that I know what's best for me.
I am grateful that life has taken a new turn.
I am grateful to have a little less stress in my life.

Tarot Card Reading: Review

I got a text from Susan today asking me if anything about the reading seemed to ring true this week. I got to thinking about that and figured, I'd put my responses down in a blog post.

What I like to do after a reading is keep going back every few weeks to see if what came out in the cards is coming to pass. So this is my first check in with myself.

Where I am Right Now (King of Swords)

The King of Swords points to a very forceful energy. You may need to change something about your behavior, thoughts and/or expectations. If you're looking for work, a stereotypical man's man may be able to help. But you have to impress him on every level. In relationship to love, you have to accept your beloved as who he is. In terms of finances, face the reality of your situation head on. There is a need for generosity towards others.

Cut away from an old belief that has outlived its purpose. Listen to your intuition. A boss or co-worker won't mince words.

I am in the process of trying to change things up. I'm looking for day jobs. I'm looking for jobs that feel like I could have a purpose and yet won't distract me too much from writing. I keep thinking about this old belief that has outlived its purpose and there have been a lot of old ideas that are no longer useful. But this idea that if I commit to a day job then I am giving up, I am giving up on that way of thinking. Worrying about money is taking up too much of my time and given the productivity I've had especially in the last year and a half, I can make money not writing and still have time to write. I just have to focus on that and make it a priority. It doesn't mean that I'm giving up or selling out.

Setting the Stage (Tower)

The Tower is a card about Change. It seems that some people who used to be there for you aren't in the same way. Change is a part of life, this isn't dire. If you've been building castles in the air, it may be time for them to come crashing to earth. This is only a problem if you let it be. You'll make it through time time. Realize you've got all the resources you need. Control your temper. Sudden reversals can happen now. This can be an indicator that a relationship is about to end. Keep communication clear if you are in a relationship you want to stay in. Find out exactly what you are dealing with financially. Deal with any problems in a straight forward manner. Careful with drugs and alcohol. Keep a positive attitude.

Breaking a part a structure that keeps you bound. There's an inner urge to break free. Violent upheaval. Sweeping life clean. Now doors open. New chapters begin. A fresh start.

Setting the stage for Change. Yes, there are people in my life who don't serve a purpose as much as those ideas that don't serve a purpose. And maybe they're related. I found myself last year getting rid of some people who I thought were close to me and who really defined me. It's not the friendships that are easy to let go of that make an impact, it's the ones you never thought you would let go of. But when I think about it, these people either proved themselves to be something other than what I thought or those friendships had just run their course. I believe that writing is my vocation in life. But that doesn't mean that I will go to Hollywood and get paid millions to do it. That doesn't mean that it was all worth it. The fact that I spend every day writing means that I'm meant to do it. The fact that I have ideas that keep coming and that I have opportunities to keep writing are affirmation that I'm a writer all day every day no matter what. Those big pay days don't define me. Another old idea I'm letting go of is that if I'm not famous and rich as a writer then I am a failure. I am a success every day I wake up to write. And in the days I don't hit the keys, I'm still reading, watching and thinking about writing. My life is facing in that direction. I have been setting the stage for the past four years for a big change to happen. I have been clearing the way for a new way of living.

What I'm Learning This Month (10 of Wands)

You feel like you are carrying a heavy burden. How can you lighten your load? Don't do too much. Give yourself a break, you have been working too hard. If you've been looking for a new position, don't lose heart. You won't fail. Something in your relationship needs to be examined. Take the time. Make a financial plan. Massage and vacation can work wonders now.  Reach out for help in all areas.

You're a workaholic on a mission. You have so much responsibility. Take time to head out into the world and dispense new knowledge. Do things for yourself.

It's amazing that the thing I keep learning is to lighten my load and not to do too much. It seems like I have been doing too much for too long that I need to give myself a break. That thought is so antithetical to the way I was raised and what I believe. But again, there's another idea that has outlived its purpose. So this month is about looking for that new position and knowing that I won't fail.  A lot of what this reading was about was that my relationship needs to be looked at. And I've known that for a long time. That doesn't mean THE END. That means that as I am looking at myself, I need to be looking at the relationship and giving to it everything I can, if that's what I want. I'm being more open and vulnerable with The Drummer and that's bringing us deeper and closer. I need to make a financial plan, that's good advice. If I have a plan for what I need, then the opportunities that come my way can help fill that need. I'm also trying to take care of myself as much as I can. I like this month's lesson.

The Root/Unconscious/What I'm Standing On (7 of Wands)

In any competitive situation, you come out on top. Now is the time to feel your fear and do it anyway. Make clear where you stand with people. You'll help the situation by making your self clear. A big positive change is coming. This card is about thinking for yourself and independence. Now's the time to be self-employed. Expect an increase in finances. Be sensible with money. Think long term.

You possess the ability to succeed against opposition. The Writer's Card. Tie up loose ends of past. Rely on your own strength and judgment. Time to take the plunge towards self-employment.

My unconscious thoughts say that I'm a good competitor. That is true. I am very competitive because I like to stretch myself. We have this writing challenge through my playwrights group and I'm using the opportunity to get as much done as possible. Last year, I wrote an entire play in a month. It's not about being "better" than anyone else. It's just about using that pressure to get more done. I'm usually good when I don't pay attention to what other people are doing and I just feel like I'm trying to outrun a train. When I look back, I usually get further than I thought I would. I know a positive change is happening, and I'm just trying to remember that change is coming and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to do that when you're surviving on the bare minimum (and sometimes below the bare minimum) of life. The one thing that comes up sometimes is self-employment and I'm constantly confused by that. I'm not sure if that means that I need to be in business for myself, if I need to set up my website, if I need to find more freelance work. Because right now the idea of a 401K and great health benefits and a long term plan sound so attractive. Is that the wrong thing? I would love to know ASAP so I can start heading in the right direction if I'm not already there.

The Last Two Weeks (Death)

Transformation and Change. Certain people or situations are not available to you as they once were. Let go of a self-limiting belief or attitude. Accept the change about to happen to make this transition easier. This change and destruction will be followed by renewal. You may benefit from a complete change of field. Do it. Face any problems in your relationship and try to fix it. If you can't, you might have to move on. Reach out for help. Deal with financial changes. Stay healthy. Don't abuse drugs or alcohol. Move through this "dark night of the soul."

Transition. Transformation. Permanent change is required. Are you afraid of the future? Seek out a new occupation or career.

BIG CHANGE. I'm ready. This was the part where Susan was staring to get nervous in the reading. But I reminded her that the big changes in my life that have brought about the most positivity have been because of huge disruptions to the way I used to live. Nothing in my life is anything of what it was like four years ago. I was in a shitty relationship at home and at work and in my family. I was maxing out on my daddy issues. I didn't want to get up in the morning. I didn't like myself. I felt like a huge failure and that life had passed me by. But that all changed. And now I have less money than I have had in a long time and I feel happier and more fulfilled than ever. So what does that tell me? That change is good. That I need to focus on the right things. But what does that have to do with the last two weeks? Maybe I'm preparing for big change more than I realize. I think the two weeks before this reading I was confronting my past a lot. SO maybe it's just time to finally say good bye to it. SO much of my past is coming up in my dreams. I have been dreaming about my past more than ever lately. But perhaps that's a sign. It's time to close the chapter on a part of my life I now look back at with such nostalgia. It wasn't as good as I'm making it out to be.

How Others See you in the World (Wheel of Fortune)

This is a very spiritual and Karmically oriented time. Change. You are being called on to follow your dream. Reach out to someone who does what you dream of doing. Talk about how you're feeling in your relationship to get what you want. Financial circumstances are about to change.  Save for a rainy day when fortunes change. Hold yourself accountable for what is happening in your life.

Change. Take a gamble. Fates are trying to steer you in a new direction. New work cycle.

Do others see me as a gambler? Do they see me as someone who follows his dream and does what he wants? Do others see me as a risk taker? I know that others see me as someone who writes a lot. I know that others see me as someone who is independent and special. I claim that. So the fates are trying to steer me in this new direction. As my friend Carrie said yesterday, I need to stop fighting the current. The riptide of life has me and I need to just swim with it until it's ready to drop me off in the place I should be. I am being called on to follow my dream. Maybe that security job isn't coming. So don't fight it. Swim parallel to the dream and let the dream get me where I need to be.

Next Two Weeks (5 of Wands)

Competition. Don't be afraid of competing. You have something to offer. You need to believe in yourself stronger than ever now. You may be thinking of making a career change and can be successful. In competition, the only way to lose is not to try. Don't be afraid of the competition. You can come out on top. Play fair. You or your partner may be pursued by many people. Even though money's tight, think about your financial situation calmly. You might not be able to make all of your obligations right now, but you will. Do what you can. Things will be better financially in the next couple of weeks. Give yourself time to rest and reset.

Others want what you want. Don't give in. Competition is stiff and frustrating. Efforts won't go unrewarded. Countering rivals. Ignore the gossip. Significant challenges.

The next two weeks (which I'm in now) are about competition. That's true. I have my play to finish for the writing challenge and my first developmental reading through Moving Arts. I also have the Humanitas application due on March 1st. I have another play to submit on the 16th. I have the Humanitas Play LA application due on April 15th. I have my second reading on April 14th. This is probably the most positive message in the cards out of all of them and it's about the next two weeks. If I compete, I will win. I have something to offer. I have to keep going and believe in myself. That's why my belief in myself is being tested. The only way to lose is not to try. No chance of that. I'm trying new things and I'm succeeding in getting better. Things are about to get better financially. My efforts won't go unrewarded. I just need to ignore the noise around me and work.

Self-Concept (3 of Swords)

Allow yourself to fully experience any sorrow or joy that comes now. Very deep emotional issues that must be addressed before you can move on. Your whole life is not or should not be what you do professionally. Look in a different field. Ask for help. If there is difficulty in your relationship, know that you are being guided to the relationship that is right for you. If your financially is overwhelming, look at it at a chunk at a time. Ask for assistance. Don't hold onto things that have outlived their purpose. Make room for new blessings to come in.

Heartbreak. Loss. Disappointment. Intense feelings take their control. Letting go of what no longer serves you. Change must be made. Inspiration leads you far afield of where you started.

This card is about how I see myself. See this card is talking about how I see myself and that it doesn't have to be about what I do professionally. I can look at things differently now and be okay. I need to make room for new ideas to come in. I have to let go of what no longer serves me, that is an important part of how I see myself. Because if the way I see myself is limited, I will not live the fullest expression of myself that is possible. Inspiration leads me far afield of where I started--I like that. I don't know quite what that means yet, but I like the idea.

Hope or Fear (Judgment)

Don't jump to conclusions. Slow down. This can be a time of real spiritual awakening. Your efforts are being watched. If you have been working hard and doing your best, things are about to pay off. Make very clear what you want out of life and love. Money and contracts will be heading your way now. Things should be on a very important, positive upswing. Be open to new ideas and new experiences.

Major reality. Release the past. Awakening from your journey. Learn to mold awakedness with kindness. The journey moves in a spiral that goes up. Waking up to realize real work and path.

This is about my hopes and fears. Don't jump to conclusions. Okay. Slow down. My body is tired and showing my signs that I need to relax and slow down. I have been working hard and things are about tot pay off. I want a true partnership in both my personal and professional lives. Even if that means that the person I was thinking might be a new manager isn't that person, I know that she will be a part of my growth. And this could be a longer dance. That's fine too. More opportunities to show myself. Again, this is about releasing the past. I fear that the best is behind me. That is a thought that has outlived its purpose. The best is yet to come. I have made it through this journey and I can now reap the benefits of everything I have lived and experienced.

Home/Energy You Draw to Yourself (Son of Disks/Knight of Pentacles)

The Knight of Pentacles points to messages, most often about money and finance. You are likely to receive news you have been waiting on and this news is likely to be good. The Knight tells us to pay attention to the mundane and normal parts of our lives. It's a very practical card. You must work within existing systems and accomplish what people want you to accomplish. This is positive in terms of work, but you need to come across as even keeled in interviews, not as a maverick. Money is coming soon and could be coming in from anywhere. Keep your nose to the grindstone and don't bet more than you can afford to lose. Make small positive mundane changes in terms of health.

Set financial goals and stick to them. Headed for professional success and distraction. Steady income. Willingly accepting obligation and taking responsibility for actions.

The energy I try to draw to myself is of success and openness. It's of full expression. I remember that Steven Pressfield in his books talks about the work not happening in the big moments but in those every day mundane moments. It's about a practice that you keep at every day. The muses will come where they see the most work being produced. I have to work in existing systems to get done what I want to. This is not maverick time. But I am able to get done what I need to get done. That will happen. I can still have a maverick spirit, but I need to keep my nose to the grindstone and get my shit done. The energy I am drawing to me is one of hard work, studiousness and perseverance.

Next Steps (World)

How good are you at asking for help when you need it? You might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, but don't feel like you have to go at it alone. You've worked hard and you're almost at the finish line in some way. Don't quit now that you're almost finished. You are in need of rest and relaxation, don't be afraid to take it. You are getting closer to who you really are at your deepest levels. In terms of work, there's a chance that you're working too hard for too little recognition and money. If this is the case blow your own horn a little, don't be afraid and don't be overlooked. You might be finding your relationship rising to greater heights. Your financial blockage is about to break and you'll be flush again soon. Don't go mad with spending when it does happen. Make sure to save. Follow your instincts about what is best for your health. Might be time to find a healer. You are likely to have clear flashes of spiritual insights at this time.

The fool's journey ends. Reached a deep understanding. Most private beliefs affect the world. Completion. Success. Fulfillment. Don't assume ultimate goal has been attained. Travel. Foreign contacts. Overcome limitations.

My next steps are to keep going even thought it's getting difficult. I'm almost at the finish line and that's where it always gets the hardest. It's the story of Odysseus. Don't open the bag of wind that will set me back. This is the antithetical thought though: as it gets closer, just lay back and relax. I am working too hard for too little money. I need to blow my horn more. I think that makes sense. The squeaky wheel gets the grease and I could use a little more squeak in my step. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and not worrying about the reward or the outcome. That will figure itself out. Don't think about it too much. Just do what you're doing.

I am grateful for insight.
I am grateful for tarot cards.
I am grateful for truth.
I am grateful for energy.
I am grateful for food.
I am grateful for my stubbornness.
I am grateful for all there is to come.

Tarot Cards: Birthday Reading

It has been about six months since my last Tarot Card Reading.

(Gosh, I just had flashbacks to my old days as a Catholic at confession)

I've learned a lot since then. About myself. And about the way I move through the world. Today is my birthday, so my friend Susan decided to do a reading for me to commemorate the occasion. I started a meditation practice. I feel like I have slowed down and distilled my life to the bare essence. Something in the air feels like it's time to build again. I have leveled my life. I have spent the past four years leveling my life and now it's time to build on this land again.

But what will I build? The reading had some indication.

Here's what my last reading was all about:

http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2014/08/tarot-card-reading-ask-for-help.html

The last reading was very open ended. I was in the middle of a cycle and I wouldn't be ending it any time soon. Usually, the cards indicate some sort of cycle you're in. The cycle I was in would be continuing on for awhile. There was a feeling of transition and not of resolution. The gist was that things were happening for me. I was meeting people who could help out with my career, but it didn't feel like much was happening other than good will.

This reading felt much more definite. It felt like it is time for things to happen. The theme of the reading is BIG CHANGES. Susan felt bad about the reading because it didn't feel like good things were on the horizon. I remember the other times of big change in my life: my break up, my father's death, leaving a long time job. And those big changes brought about a whole new perspective in my life. I like big change because it means that what I have been working on steadily for a period of time was finally coming to fruition. I was finally giving birth to the next stage in my life. And nothing is born without labor and trauma. We don't come into this world delicately. We are forced out through a human being or we are cut out of her. It's violent. Plants break through the earth. Nothing is born without disruption.

So I go into this next phase with much excitement. Things are about to happen.

Where I am Right Now (King of Swords)

The King of Swords points to a very forceful energy. You may need to change something about your behavior, thoughts and/or expectations. If you're looking for work, a stereotypical man's man may be able to help. But you have to impress him on every level. In relationship to love, you have to accept your beloved as who he is. In terms of finances, face the reality of your situation head on. There is a need for generosity towards others.

Cut away from an old belief that has outlived its purpose. Listen to your intuition. A boss or co-worker won't mince words.

Setting the Stage (Tower)

The Tower is a card about Change. It seems that some people who used to be there for you aren't in the same way. Change is a part of life, this isn't dire. If you've been building castles in the air, it may be time for them to come crashing to earth. This is only a problem if you let it be. You'll make it through time time. Realize you've got all the resources you need. Control your temper. Sudden reversals can happen now. This can be an indicator that a relationship is about to end. Keep communication clear if you are in a relationship you want to stay in. Find out exactly what you are dealing with financially. Deal with any problems in a straight forward manner. Careful with drugs and alcohol. Keep a positive attitude.

Breaking a part a structure that keeps you bound. There's an inner urge to break free. Violent upheaval. Sweeping life clean. Now doors open. New chapters begin. A fresh start.

What I'm Learning This Month (10 of Wands)

You feel like you are carrying a heavy burden. How can you lighten your load? Don't do too much. Give yourself a break, you have been working too hard. If you've been looking for a new position, don't lose heart. You won't fail. Something in your relationship needs to be examined. Take the time. Make a financial plan. Massage and vacation can work wonders now.  Reach out for help in all areas.

You're a workaholic on a mission. You have so much responsibility. Take time to head out into the world and dispense new knowledge. Do things for yourself.

The Root/Unconscious/What I'm Standing On (7 of Wands)

In any competitive situation, you come out on top. Now is the time to feel your fear and do it anyway. Make clear where you stand with people. You'll help the situation by making your self clear. A big positive change is coming. This card is about thinking for yourself and independence. Now's the time to be self-employed. Expect an increase in finances. Be sensible with money. Think long term.

You possess the ability to succeed against opposition. The Writer's Card. Tie up loose ends of past. Rely on your own strength and judgment. Time to take the plunge towards self-employment.

The Last Two Weeks (Death)

Transformation and Change. Certain people or situations are not available to you as they once were. Let go of a self-limiting belief or attitude. Accept the change about to happen to make this transition easier. This change and destruction will be followed by renewal. You may benefit from a complete change of field. Do it. Face any problems in your relationship and try to fix it. If you can't, you might have to move on. Reach out for help. Deal with financial changes. Stay healthy. Don't abuse drugs or alcohol. Move through this "dark night of the soul."

Transition. Transformation. Permanent change is required. Are you afraid of the future? Seek out a new occupation or career.

How Others See you in the World (Wheel of Fortune)

This is a very spiritual and Karmically oriented time. Change. You are being called on to follow your dream. Reach out to someone who does what you dream of doing. Talk about how you're feeling in your relationship to get what you want. Financial circumstances are about to change.  Save for a rainy day when fortunes change. Hold yourself accountable for what is happening in your life.

Change. Take a gamble. Fates are trying to steer you in a new direction. New work cycle.

Next Two Weeks (5 of Wands)

Competition. Don't be afraid of competing. You have something to offer. You need to believe in yourself stronger than ever now. You may be thinking of making a career change and can be successful. In competition, the only way to lose is not to try. Don't be afraid of the competition. You can come out on top. Play fair. You or your partner may be pursued by many people. Even though money's tight, think about your financial situation calmly. You might not be able to make all of your obligations right now, but you will. Do what you can. Things will be better financially in the next couple of weeks. Give yourself time to rest and reset.

Others want what you want. Don't give in. Competition is stiff and frustrating. Efforts won't go unrewarded. Countering rivals. Ignore the gossip. Significant challenges.

Self-Concept (3 of Swords)

Allow yourself to fully experience any sorrow or joy that comes now. Very deep emotional issues that must be addressed before you can move on. Your whole life is not or should not be what you do professionally. Look in a different field. Ask for help. If there is difficulty in your relationship, know that you are being guided to the relationship that is right for you. If your financially is overwhelming, look at it at a chunk at a time. Ask for assistance. Don't hold onto things that have outlived their purpose. Make room for new blessings to come in.

Heartbreak. Loss. Disappointment. Intense feelings take their control. Letting go of what no longer serves you. Change must be made. Inspiration leads you far afield of where you started.

Hope or Fear (Judgment)

Don't jump to conclusions. Slow down. This can be a time of real spiritual awakening. Your efforts are being watched. If you have been working hard and doing your best, things are about to pay off. Make very clear what you want out of life and love. Money and contracts will be heading your way now. Things should be on a very important, positive upswing. Be open to new ideas and new experiences.

Major reality. Release the past. Awakening from your journey. Learn to mold awakedness with kindness. The journey moves in a spiral that goes up. Waking up to realize real work and path.

Home/Energy You Draw to Yourself (Son of Disks/Knight of Pentacles)

The Knight of Pentacles points to messages, most often about money and finance. You are likely to receive news you have been waiting on and this news is likely to be good. The Knight tells us to pay attention to the mundane and normal parts of our lives. It's a very practical card. You must work within existing systems and accomplish what people want you to accomplish. This is positive in terms of work, but you need to come across as even keeled in interviews, not as a maverick. Money is coming soon and could be coming in from anywhere. Keep your nose to the grindstone and don't bet more than you can afford to lose. Make small positive mundane changes in terms of health.

Set financial goals and stick to them. Headed for professional success and distraction. Steady income. Willingly accepting obligation and taking responsibility for actions.

Next Steps (World)

How good are you at asking for help when you need it? You might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, but don't feel like you have to go at it alone. You've worked hard and you're almost at the finish line in some way. Don't quit now that you're almost finished. You are in need of rest and relaxation, don't be afraid to take it. You are getting closer to who you really are at your deepest levels. In terms of work, there's a chance that you're working too hard for too little recognition and money. If this is the case blow your own horn a little, don't be afraid and don't be overlooked. You might be finding your relationship rising to greater heights. Your financial blockage is about to break and you'll be flush again soon. Don't go mad with spending when it does happen. Make sure to save. Follow your instincts about what is best for your health. Might be time to find a healer. You are likely to have clear flashes of spiritual insights at this time.

The fool's journey ends. Reached a deep understanding. Most private beliefs affect the world. Completion. Success. Fulfillment. Don't assume ultimate goal has been attained. Travel. Foreign contacts. Overcome limitations.

Overall, a positive reading. I think big changes are on their way. But big rewards are also on their way as a result of these big changes. This was a good reading to have as I'm embarking on another year on this planet. It's a pretty wonderful atmosphere to be in.

I'm breaking through.

I am grateful for friends who offer their help.
I am grateful for awakenings.
I am grateful for a spiritual path.
I am grateful for change.
I am grateful for disruption.
I am grateful for what I didn't know before.
I am grateful for what I know now.
I am grateful for the shock of the new.
I am grateful for inner peace.
I am grateful for curiosity and wonderment.
I am grateful for being born.
I am grateful for this wonderful weather.
I am grateful for the whole day to rest and relax and recoup.