It has been about eight months since my last Tarot Card reading. I guess a lot of life happened and Susan and I couldn't get it together. But tonight, the stars aligned. We had seen each other at a party earlier that day. Her husband was working. My boyfriend was gigging. The kid went to bed early. It seemed like a good time to get this done.
I had been wondering what the cards had for me. A month ago I looked back at the last reading she did and none of it seemed to be relevant anymore.
http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2013/12/tarot-card-reading-honor-thy-error.html
The cards signaled that some changes needed to be made and I felt like many things had shifted in my life since the end of 2013. I've been meditating. I'm focusing in a more spiritual direction. This year has been uber productive in terms of writing. I feel like the motivation I've wanted since my Dad passed has finally begun to take root. And this new reading seemed to reflect the changes that had happened. It was a very positive reading, but also insightful and reflected what I'm feeling about my course in life these days.
Susan had me pick a card out of her specialty deck. The card usually reflects a theme or gives a direction in what to focus on.
Ask for help.
That was the most direct card I had ever gotten. The messages were usually a little more interpretive. The last time we did a reading my card was Honor Thy Error as Hidden Intention. The meaning of that unfolded for months afterward. Ask for Help is a little more specific and direct. But it seems to reflex the state of things. The brush has all been cleared away and now I'm seeing things clearer.
Ask for help. I can do that.
When Susan started uncovering the cards she was amazed that they all seemed to be Vision cards. The cards she was pulling for me seemed to do with passion and having a Vision towards what I'm meant to do. Having a clear idea of how to conduct myself. I wanted concrete answers and this reading seemed to be very concrete, mainly because I had become more specific in what I want.
She also got the feeling that this was going to be a reading about Work, which was of no surprise to me since that seems to be what I'm most concerned with these days. So I'm going to look at the reading again, using the same online resource I used last time that shed a bunch of light on what I was seeing and hearing.
Where You Are Right Now (Knight of Wands)
This is a great time to Travel, if you can get away. You're feeling charged up, full of energy, ready to get things done. Self confidence is increasing. Knights are message bearers and in Wands, related to work and positive. Projects are likely to be more successful than expected. Savor it. Money should be flowing easily at this time. But still cut expenses where you can.
You don't know what you're looking for, but what you're looking for is coming. Get on with what you need to get done. This is a good time to accomplish what you want without worry or concern.
Atmosphere/Setting the Stage (9 of Wands)
One last challenge is in front of you before you get your goal. You're in a position of strength. Plan your next course of action. You have plenty of skill still in reserve. Your work gets recognized at an iffy time.
You may have some concern or worry. Don't be afraid to pinpoint where that worry is coming from. And Ask for Help (there it is again). Give your love some breathing space if you've been disagreeing. Worry, anxiety and stress are affecting you right now. Make sure you take care of yourself with food, water, exercise and rest. Focus on the positive. Surround yourself with good people. Be grateful. Focus, plan, call yourself to a higher spiritual involvement. Discipline will help you now.
What I'm Supposed to Be Learning This Month (The Lovers)
Associated with duality. Gemini. There might be some ambivalence in a love relationship. In Fear vs. Love, choose Love. Bring Love to the center stage of your life. You may be making a decision regarding work or career. Take time to think it through.
Choices. Duality. There's a sudden and unexpected change in love life. You're looking at security versus risk. Your current relationship is going through a major change. This is a blessing in disguise. You might be conflicted with taking a work relationship further. You've got decisions to make.
The Root/ The Unconscious/ The Foundation I'm Standing On (10 of Discs)
This is a good omen. It means your material wishes will be met, perhaps to a degree you didn't think possible. Positive in all relationships. You have a great deal to be thankful for. Make the best of it and make sure to share what you have.
This is a carefree stage in your life. There is abundance and stability. Beyond material prosperity. You're going to achieve job security. Don't be afraid to take risks. This is a great time to be self employed. Create a base for yourself.
The Last Two Weeks (Strength)
Mind over matter. Whatever you want, you can harness your thoughts and achieve it. Conquer your fears, control your impulses and never lose patience. Make time to meditate, contemplate and spend time alone. Do not allow yourself to spend time in contemplation and fear.
This indicates Leo or the Lion. Rulership. It's implicit that you trust in your own abilities. You have an internal power that you need to trust in. There's a harmony of the spiritual and the material. You have the ability and you need to overcome your own obstacles. You're in a strong position work wise.
How Others See Me in the World (Daughter of Discs/Page of Penticles)
There might be more work than there is time to do it. Roll up your sleeves and get it done. Slow and steady wins the race. Remember, if you need assistance, ask for the help (there it is again) you need. In love relationships, things might have gotten stagnant or boring. Make sure you focus on remedying that.
You're a student, an apprentice. You've got boundless energy and enthusiasm. There is little distinction between work and play. You're solitary and headed toward the journey of a vision quest. You're idealistic. You will receive good news regarding clients.
The Next Two Weeks (The Crone/The Hermit)
A spiritual card. You might have to spend a lot of time alone. Go ahead and take it! Don't be afraid to be alone. This is a card about trying to do the right thing, just make sure it's the right thing for you and not about taking care of others. Work success and recognition are well within your grasp. Do your best to be organized and productive. It will pay off in ways that are not clear yet. Keep connected to your lover to keep the spark alive. Ritual is important health wise. You may have a mentor coming into your life.
Searching for truth. Solitary journey. You'll get into the deeper levels of your psyche. Your inner light will illuminate others. This card is associated with Saturn Returns. Your period of solitude is nearing completion. There's an increase in productivity and success is within your reach.
Self Concept Card/How I Feel About Myself (Shaman of Swords)
Someone with a strong, forceful opinion. Active meditations are useful now.
This card and the Son of Wands speak to each other. You're a writer. Your cutting ruthlessness is about getting rid of what is useless. You're the head of your own company. You rarely vacillate. Associated with Air signs: Aquarius (my sign). Cut away from an old idea which has outlived its purpose. Listen to your intuition. You have the intellect to cut to the heart of the matter.
Hope and Fear (Queen of Wands)
This is a highly fertile time to get things accomplished in your work and career. This is the time to get a lot done in a short amount of time. Positive uplifting energy.
Female energy. There is wisdom and knowledge that has been brought to you. You are whole or becoming whole due to self acceptance. Your temperamental behavior is simply a part of who you are. Don't lose that. Your work is very important now. There is an older woman who is going to be very helpful to you. Expect improvement in work.
Home (2 of Penticles/Discs)
Balance.
There is travel related to job and profession. Be flexible in juggling many things at once. Take a calculated risk. Squeeze time together with loved ones, even though it may be hard to do so. You might have more than one job and multi tasking might be necessary. A major change is ushered in. Your juggling won't feel like juggling.
Next Steps:
(King of Penticles)
Authority, tradition and success in money matters.
A woman. A business contact. She's pragmatic. There's confidence and ability to plan and produce. You'll get help from a boss figure, an authority. This will bring unexpected recognition. You have a project rearing completion, gearing up for the next undertaking.
(9 of Pentacles)
Great omen in regards to money. Financial success. Expect the best to happen. You're in a position to help others. Pay attention not only to your material abundance but also your spirituality. A better job than you thought possible.
You're alone, but not lonely. You don't need constant companionship. Self reliance is the key to prosperity. You're making your own way. You're in a comfortable position. Don't need to take on projects that don't really interest you. Be true to yourself to attract opportunities.
(Page of Wands)
Things you started long ago are starting to come to fruition. There is also a need for new ideas, new adventures and new approaches. A very creative time for you. Dream, play, be inventive.
You are looking for an agent for your screenplay (literally, the exact words). Creative seeds planted will begin to sprout. There's a message regarding employment. You might initiate a project that's taken over by someone else. You're getting recognition. New opportunities seem to appear out of the blue. Something you've applied for, you will get.
(Queen of Pentacles)
You are likely to make a lot of headway now. With the help of a woman with dark hair and eyes. Bring items from your home life into your work situation. It will make you feel more at home and make you more effective. Trust yourself.
There's a protective, go-getter of a woman coming into your life. You like practical, tangible solutions. You're building on your achievements. You're the happiest in your personal space that you've created surrounded by the things you love. When paired with the 10 of Pentacles, you should expect a dramatic increase in income.
Again, this was a pretty positive reading which points to trusting who I am, which will lead to prosperity of material, spiritual, physical and emotional wealth. And there is a woman coming that will help me achieve my vision.
I'll be taking a while to take all of this in.
I am grateful for this reading.
I am grateful for all of the good coming into my life.
I am grateful for the seeds I planted long ago.
I am grateful for everything that has led up to this moment.
I am grateful for the fun, light and love in my life.
I am grateful for the surprise and wonder of things to come.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
I'm Not Done
I started writing this story in novel form today.
It has taken me three years and eight months to get here to a place where I can actually write about this break up and put it in context.
I wrote this blog to start talking about the break up of a relationship I had been in for five years. The first year of this blog is really mainly about that. Some of the details I have forgotten and I intend on going back to this blog to refresh my memory and to (ugh) relive some of this stuff.
My friend Kenchy said to me years ago when I explained to him that I had started to forget how bad it had been that my mind was healing and that's why it was allowing me to forget.
I just wrote five pages today in my office and I feel like I could write more. I'm still uncertain as to how much I am going to fictionalize about this story. I feel like some of the details that I never felt comfortable including in this blog will be in the novel version of this story. I kind of have to put it all out there. Now that my ex is in recovery, I think I feel better about that.
I never wrote about the drugs because I didn't want to tell his story. But as I think he's beginning to tell his own story, I'm more open about it. And I will include that in the novel. I won't be any more explicit about it here.
I'm not sure why today was the day I decided I was ready to write about it. I had thought about it yesterday. And about three weeks ago, I had figured out how I would open the book. So that's what I wrote today. I also read a book that really influenced me. It was a book that's about to be made into a movie and that I had been reading. I had put off reading that book since after my break up. I think I've had a copy of that book for the past three or so years as well.
Maybe that's what it took. I read this book. I realized that I had a story to tell and I decided it was time to tell it. It's like a young kid watching a movie or a play and going, "Hey, I can do that!" That's the thought I had. The writer of this book is very good. He's funny. Notice how I'm not mentioning the title of the book or the author. I don't want to be perceived as copying. It's not really that sort of thing anyway. My story is different from the story of the book. I guess I'm just paranoid. But that was the impetus for me to put this down.
It was after that that I imagined the beginning of the book.
Years ago (probably chronicled in the November 2011 section of this blog) my friend Caitlin had mentioned that she was reading the blog and loving it. She asked me if I was going to do anything with it. It just seemed so soon. I don't think I had an idea that I had anything worth reading. It was raw. It was sad. It was fresh. But somewhere deep down I think I knew that the story wasn't done yet.
People said the same thing to me after my Dad died.
"How are you doing?"
Fine.
"Good. So when are you going to write about this?"
My Ex even asked about that when I ran into him at Gay Pride this year. He told me that I needed to write about my Dad's death. Thanks, but you don't really get a say anymore. I think something in me changed during that conversation. As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I have wanted some sort of friendship or relationship with him for a while. It took me some time to heal and to have some perspective on what had happened. I didn't want to see him for a long time. I couldn't see him for a long time. I needed to stay away. I knew I was still fragile. But when I was ready to make contact, something in me--the healing, forgetting part--felt like I could handle a friendship. But he never wanted that. And in that last interaction we had, I realized that I don't want that either. He's not a very nice person. He's generous. He's gregarious. He's a great host. But he's not kind. He wasn't cruel in the conversation we had, although I know how cruel he really can be. He probably doesn't care enough to be cruel to me. His cruelty was built on the foundation of the love and vulnerability I had with him.
The epiphany I had in that conversation was that there would be no friendship. So I guess that really set me free to start thinking about this book.
The other story of this book IS my Dad's death. His illness leading up to his death. His death and then the healing that has happened since. The book isn't just the break up. The book isn't just about my Dad dying. Both stories are linked. They are a part of my journey and healing process. Both are about putting a certain feeling about myself to bed. And I like how both stories weave in and out a bit.
So I start this journey. I started this journey with five pages this afternoon.
It will also give me the chance to go back and read what I have written. I have the best notes.
I am grateful for this journey.
I am grateful for the record of this story.
I am grateful for friends who have helped me through this.
It has taken me three years and eight months to get here to a place where I can actually write about this break up and put it in context.
I wrote this blog to start talking about the break up of a relationship I had been in for five years. The first year of this blog is really mainly about that. Some of the details I have forgotten and I intend on going back to this blog to refresh my memory and to (ugh) relive some of this stuff.
My friend Kenchy said to me years ago when I explained to him that I had started to forget how bad it had been that my mind was healing and that's why it was allowing me to forget.
I just wrote five pages today in my office and I feel like I could write more. I'm still uncertain as to how much I am going to fictionalize about this story. I feel like some of the details that I never felt comfortable including in this blog will be in the novel version of this story. I kind of have to put it all out there. Now that my ex is in recovery, I think I feel better about that.
I never wrote about the drugs because I didn't want to tell his story. But as I think he's beginning to tell his own story, I'm more open about it. And I will include that in the novel. I won't be any more explicit about it here.
I'm not sure why today was the day I decided I was ready to write about it. I had thought about it yesterday. And about three weeks ago, I had figured out how I would open the book. So that's what I wrote today. I also read a book that really influenced me. It was a book that's about to be made into a movie and that I had been reading. I had put off reading that book since after my break up. I think I've had a copy of that book for the past three or so years as well.
Maybe that's what it took. I read this book. I realized that I had a story to tell and I decided it was time to tell it. It's like a young kid watching a movie or a play and going, "Hey, I can do that!" That's the thought I had. The writer of this book is very good. He's funny. Notice how I'm not mentioning the title of the book or the author. I don't want to be perceived as copying. It's not really that sort of thing anyway. My story is different from the story of the book. I guess I'm just paranoid. But that was the impetus for me to put this down.
It was after that that I imagined the beginning of the book.
Years ago (probably chronicled in the November 2011 section of this blog) my friend Caitlin had mentioned that she was reading the blog and loving it. She asked me if I was going to do anything with it. It just seemed so soon. I don't think I had an idea that I had anything worth reading. It was raw. It was sad. It was fresh. But somewhere deep down I think I knew that the story wasn't done yet.
People said the same thing to me after my Dad died.
"How are you doing?"
Fine.
"Good. So when are you going to write about this?"
My Ex even asked about that when I ran into him at Gay Pride this year. He told me that I needed to write about my Dad's death. Thanks, but you don't really get a say anymore. I think something in me changed during that conversation. As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I have wanted some sort of friendship or relationship with him for a while. It took me some time to heal and to have some perspective on what had happened. I didn't want to see him for a long time. I couldn't see him for a long time. I needed to stay away. I knew I was still fragile. But when I was ready to make contact, something in me--the healing, forgetting part--felt like I could handle a friendship. But he never wanted that. And in that last interaction we had, I realized that I don't want that either. He's not a very nice person. He's generous. He's gregarious. He's a great host. But he's not kind. He wasn't cruel in the conversation we had, although I know how cruel he really can be. He probably doesn't care enough to be cruel to me. His cruelty was built on the foundation of the love and vulnerability I had with him.
The epiphany I had in that conversation was that there would be no friendship. So I guess that really set me free to start thinking about this book.
The other story of this book IS my Dad's death. His illness leading up to his death. His death and then the healing that has happened since. The book isn't just the break up. The book isn't just about my Dad dying. Both stories are linked. They are a part of my journey and healing process. Both are about putting a certain feeling about myself to bed. And I like how both stories weave in and out a bit.
So I start this journey. I started this journey with five pages this afternoon.
It will also give me the chance to go back and read what I have written. I have the best notes.
I am grateful for this journey.
I am grateful for the record of this story.
I am grateful for friends who have helped me through this.
Monday, June 9, 2014
I'm Done
I.
I started this blog three and a half years ago after a break up. It was a traumatic time. That led to more trauma as my father got sick and eventually passed. As time has gone on, I have made contact with my ex and tried to get some sort of resolution about our relationship.
I've emailed.
We've talked a bit.
I've opened up.
I've tried to chat with him while we were naked at a Korean Spa about four months ago.
A part of me has wanted a friendship with him again.
We ran into each other at my friend's Gay Pride party (where I also saw him last year).
I'm done.
I'm done trying to be his friend.
I probably should have come to this conclusion earlier.
And I'm sure my friends have wondered why I have tried to be friends with him. But I thought that maybe enough time had passed.
I don't think our resolution will be happening in our lifetimes.
And that's fine. Partially because it has to be.
We are never ever ever getting back together. And we are never ever ever going to be friends.
How do I know this?
Well, every time I try to talk to him it feels uncomfortable.
And despite his new sobriety, his new introspection, and weight loss, he's the same guy.
I could feel the negativity.
I could feel the closed offness.
He was sending me some pretty clear signals. I just have to pick up on them.
He's not the nicest guy. He never was.
And I'm trying to stay away from negativity in my life.
I am happy for his progress in his life. I am happy that certain things that weren't able to happen while we were together, in terms of his own mental, physical and emotional health, are happening.
As I stood there, talking to him yesterday, cornering him really, I realized how much had changed in three and a half years. I was no longer the guy who felt inferior to him, who deferred to his Alpha Maleness. I also didn't feel like I had to prove myself to him. He had made a remark that the best thing I had ever written was a play that I wrote about my grandmother years ago. And it was the best thing I had ever written all of those years ago. But it wasn't the best thing I had written since. He has no clue about the person I have become because of the changes that happened in my life since our split. And I finally figured out that he doesn't have the right to know about those changes any more. I don't have to try and gain his friendship. His friendship is not there. And that is so okay with me now. I understand now that we were never friends to start and wouldn't be friends now because there is no foundation there. I wish him well. I don't feel like I have to explain all of this to him. I ready to go my separate way from him.
But the same things that were making him unhappy eight and a half years ago when we met are the same things that are making him unhappy now. And that's okay. But I don't have to be around it or chase it or resolve it or make it better. I am perfectly complete, content, happy and loved without him in my life now or ever.
II.
The other thing I'm done with is negativity in general. I know of a few people in my life who are just carrying a negative vibe around with them. Ick. And it's not like they're wearing black all of the time or drinking during the day or saying nasty shit constantly.
They're just unhappy and can't see the good around them. And they either put up with negativity and allow it to be around them or they are outwardly negative. It's not a malicious quality. They are not mean. But they are just unhappy and happy to be so.
I need them out of my life.
I am fine with listening to friends and they're problems. I love being a sounding board. But at a certain point, I am inviting danger and negativity into my sphere and consciousness by allowing them in my life. It's not that I don't love them. It's not that I won't check in on them from time to time, but I can't allow that energy in my life. I can't let them sour my soup.
I used to wonder why there was a cloak of sadness around me and a certain group of friends I had. It seemed like we were in the struggle and it was getting to all of us. What I realize now is that we were pulling each other down. As my attitude has changed, as I have worked through some of my shit, I realize that commiserating can be destructive if we are not conducting our lives differently as a result. I am watching people I know make mistakes and I am trying not to make those same mistakes.
I love these people. I care about them. But I am also not going to tolerate being treated in a way I shouldn't be treated. I have a friend who has stopped calling. I have a friend who didn't reach out when he came to LA. I have people who don't want to be a part of my life and yet I keep trying to bring them into the fold. If they don't want to be in my life, they shouldn't be a part of my life. I need to let them go because they are already gone.
I have a couple of new people who have come into my life who are kind and loving and smart as hell. We talk about things that aren't about why we're not getting this or that and why certain things aren't happening for us. It's useless talk. We talk about work and politics and make jokes. We have chemistry. It's wonderful. Most of these people happen to be straight men, which is interesting. Not like I haven't had close straight guy friends before. But I definitely sense an energy shift.
In order to invite change into my life, I have to make room. And it's time.
I am grateful for these new men in my life.
I am grateful for creative partnerships.
I am grateful for sweet people.
I am grateful for kindness and love.
I am grateful for my boyfriend.
I am grateful for the lessons I am learning.
I am grateful for change.
I started this blog three and a half years ago after a break up. It was a traumatic time. That led to more trauma as my father got sick and eventually passed. As time has gone on, I have made contact with my ex and tried to get some sort of resolution about our relationship.
I've emailed.
We've talked a bit.
I've opened up.
I've tried to chat with him while we were naked at a Korean Spa about four months ago.
A part of me has wanted a friendship with him again.
We ran into each other at my friend's Gay Pride party (where I also saw him last year).
I'm done.
I'm done trying to be his friend.
I probably should have come to this conclusion earlier.
And I'm sure my friends have wondered why I have tried to be friends with him. But I thought that maybe enough time had passed.
I don't think our resolution will be happening in our lifetimes.
And that's fine. Partially because it has to be.
We are never ever ever getting back together. And we are never ever ever going to be friends.
How do I know this?
Well, every time I try to talk to him it feels uncomfortable.
And despite his new sobriety, his new introspection, and weight loss, he's the same guy.
I could feel the negativity.
I could feel the closed offness.
He was sending me some pretty clear signals. I just have to pick up on them.
He's not the nicest guy. He never was.
And I'm trying to stay away from negativity in my life.
I am happy for his progress in his life. I am happy that certain things that weren't able to happen while we were together, in terms of his own mental, physical and emotional health, are happening.
As I stood there, talking to him yesterday, cornering him really, I realized how much had changed in three and a half years. I was no longer the guy who felt inferior to him, who deferred to his Alpha Maleness. I also didn't feel like I had to prove myself to him. He had made a remark that the best thing I had ever written was a play that I wrote about my grandmother years ago. And it was the best thing I had ever written all of those years ago. But it wasn't the best thing I had written since. He has no clue about the person I have become because of the changes that happened in my life since our split. And I finally figured out that he doesn't have the right to know about those changes any more. I don't have to try and gain his friendship. His friendship is not there. And that is so okay with me now. I understand now that we were never friends to start and wouldn't be friends now because there is no foundation there. I wish him well. I don't feel like I have to explain all of this to him. I ready to go my separate way from him.
But the same things that were making him unhappy eight and a half years ago when we met are the same things that are making him unhappy now. And that's okay. But I don't have to be around it or chase it or resolve it or make it better. I am perfectly complete, content, happy and loved without him in my life now or ever.
II.
The other thing I'm done with is negativity in general. I know of a few people in my life who are just carrying a negative vibe around with them. Ick. And it's not like they're wearing black all of the time or drinking during the day or saying nasty shit constantly.
They're just unhappy and can't see the good around them. And they either put up with negativity and allow it to be around them or they are outwardly negative. It's not a malicious quality. They are not mean. But they are just unhappy and happy to be so.
I need them out of my life.
I am fine with listening to friends and they're problems. I love being a sounding board. But at a certain point, I am inviting danger and negativity into my sphere and consciousness by allowing them in my life. It's not that I don't love them. It's not that I won't check in on them from time to time, but I can't allow that energy in my life. I can't let them sour my soup.
I used to wonder why there was a cloak of sadness around me and a certain group of friends I had. It seemed like we were in the struggle and it was getting to all of us. What I realize now is that we were pulling each other down. As my attitude has changed, as I have worked through some of my shit, I realize that commiserating can be destructive if we are not conducting our lives differently as a result. I am watching people I know make mistakes and I am trying not to make those same mistakes.
I love these people. I care about them. But I am also not going to tolerate being treated in a way I shouldn't be treated. I have a friend who has stopped calling. I have a friend who didn't reach out when he came to LA. I have people who don't want to be a part of my life and yet I keep trying to bring them into the fold. If they don't want to be in my life, they shouldn't be a part of my life. I need to let them go because they are already gone.
I have a couple of new people who have come into my life who are kind and loving and smart as hell. We talk about things that aren't about why we're not getting this or that and why certain things aren't happening for us. It's useless talk. We talk about work and politics and make jokes. We have chemistry. It's wonderful. Most of these people happen to be straight men, which is interesting. Not like I haven't had close straight guy friends before. But I definitely sense an energy shift.
In order to invite change into my life, I have to make room. And it's time.
I am grateful for these new men in my life.
I am grateful for creative partnerships.
I am grateful for sweet people.
I am grateful for kindness and love.
I am grateful for my boyfriend.
I am grateful for the lessons I am learning.
I am grateful for change.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
I'm Coming Out
Apparently, Madonna (or Madge or the more recent M-Dolla) just finished work on a new album.
The internets are abuzz.
The gays are abuzz.
I'm abuzz.
http://www.muumuse.com/2014/04/madonna-pop-icon-icon-mdna-new-album-instagram.html/
It's an event. It's exciting.
I feel like I'm having my own #secretprojectrevolution.
I just cut my hair.
I have been in "the studio", my writing studio, writing for the first part of this year.
I am in the process of putting together a new wardrobe.
My attitude has been shifting.
My consciousness is alive.
I feel myself emerging in a way I haven't felt myself emerge since my teens and early 20s.
It's a rebirth, you could say.
But it feels more like I'm being reincarnated with the full knowledge of my past life.
I'm happy to have this freedom and I am not taking it for granted.
I am most certainly not.
I am grateful for my new look.
I am grateful for my new attitude.
I am grateful for a lot of love.
The internets are abuzz.
The gays are abuzz.
I'm abuzz.
http://www.muumuse.com/2014/04/madonna-pop-icon-icon-mdna-new-album-instagram.html/
It's an event. It's exciting.
I feel like I'm having my own #secretprojectrevolution.
I just cut my hair.
I have been in "the studio", my writing studio, writing for the first part of this year.
I am in the process of putting together a new wardrobe.
My attitude has been shifting.
My consciousness is alive.
I feel myself emerging in a way I haven't felt myself emerge since my teens and early 20s.
It's a rebirth, you could say.
But it feels more like I'm being reincarnated with the full knowledge of my past life.
I'm happy to have this freedom and I am not taking it for granted.
I am most certainly not.
I am grateful for my new look.
I am grateful for my new attitude.
I am grateful for a lot of love.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Keeping Up Appearances
I recently wrote on a Facebook post that I shaved my head in July 2012, then kept shaving it until April 2013. I had a wedding to go to and I wanted to make sure I looked good. Then I decided to let it grow out. In August 2013, I got a haircut from my childhood barber (who I will probably never see again). Ever since then I have been growing my hair out. I let the sideburns go. I let my hair go. I didn't care. I had other things to worry about. I had been writing a lot. I worked on losing some weight, but I didn't care about how I looked. I also needed to grow my fresh hair back as a way to get back to myself.
It looked all right. I even considered keeping it long and letting it get shoulder length so I could ombre it at the ends and look like Jared Leto. The only problem: I'm not Jared Leto. Well, and one other problem, I was getting impatient. I noticed that I was looking kind of shaggy. And as much as I would just love to be some intellectual who doesn't care about what his hair looks like, I know I'm not that person.
Honor thy Error as thy True Intention.
Okay, so maybe it really read: Honor Your Error as Your True Intention. I just liked making it sound more old world. I'm a vain person. But I think my vanity comes from wanting to present myself a certain way. And I started to notice how flat the hair was looking. I had just let it grow. I didn't trim my sideburns much. I didn't thin it out. I have very thick hair and usually I have to cut into it with a razor to "give it texture." It had no texture. It was my full head of hair. The full head of hair I hadn't had for a long time because even when I had hair, it was styled.
I was cleansing myself of my cleansing. I had shaved my head to cleanse myself. I wanted to show how different I was because my Dad had died. I wanted to mark the event. I later found out that shaving of the head after someone dies is a spiritual thing. It's supposed to mean that you're not invested in vanity. It removes vanity because the mourning process is about the person who has died. So I stripped myself clean. I kept my head shaved because I wasn't ready to let go. My head was shaved for almost nine months. It started to feel like a security blanket. I'm in mourning, leave me alone.
Then I went to Hawaii to spread my Dad's ashes. Once we came back, I knew I wanted to grow my hair out again. So I just let it grow. It got to a point where it really needed to be trimmed and shaped. I wasn't ready to go back to a stylist. I wasn't ready to just hop back into my vanity. So as a tribute, I went to the guy who had been shaving my head at my childhood barber shop and I had him trim the back and the sides a bit. He cleaned me up. So at least I looked presentable. But it wasn't a style. It wasn't a coif. It was just a haircut at a barber shop. That seemed fine to me.
Like I said, I was cleansing myself of my cleansing by growing my hair out. I hadn't had my hair long since my break up over three years ago when I cut my hair to get rid of the image of me that this ex had. He loved my hair long and I got rid of it because I wanted to get him out of my system. It's documented on the early days of this blog as a matter of fact. Summer went. Fall came. I went to Sonoma to a friend's house and I was around a bunch of hot looking gay guys. I just let it keep growing. I wasn't trying to compete or compare. I had a bigger mission. I needed to grow my hair long for me. It was the me that I felt the most comfortable with, not because my hair looked great long, but because people liked it. I have been told that I have beautiful hair since I started growing it out in college.
Eventually, it just got longer and longer. 2014 began. I knew I had to cut it soon, but I just needed to let it grow and grow and grow. Then I thought of keeping it going and going all Jared Leto like I said. But then I started working again and being vital again. I was working on a new play and a new pilot. I had thought about re-entering my old world, but this time being different. I was too busy being a worker bee to care about how I looked. And somehow that persona became comfortable. Too comfortable. I felt like Grizzly Adams. But slowly, what started happening was that I started to lose weight. I lost about 15ish pounds. And the long hair started to look slovenly to me. It started to look uncool. I started realizing how uncool I looked. Vanity came back.
But I realized, it wasn't just about being cool. It was about presenting myself to the world and I had stopped doing that. I had stopped caring. I got an influx of cash through work and I thought about how I could procure more work. I started pursuing some opportunities to put my work out into the public. And i realized that I would have to start putting myself into the public soon. But the person I appeared to be wasn't a public person. This was not a good presentation. I had grown out sideburns and hair that started to smell after a week of not washing. Even pulling my hair back when I was in the shower started not to look so hot. I realized I had to start having a healthy relationship to my vanity, which was integral to who I am. To deny my vanity was to deny myself.
I had been living a secluded life. I had been living a life on hold for so long that I started caring less about my appearance. But to be fair, I don't think my life over the three years really has been about my appearance. It has been a serious period of growth and reflection. I feel like I have been on a spiritual retreat for three years, but still living my life. It's like having walking pneumonia. Or it's like a walking meditation. I wasn't closing my eyes or going into a cave or being silent, but I was removed from my life while I was living it in order to reflect on it. Now my outer self had begun to represent this inner journey. But the problem was that I was getting ready to leave the sanctity of my quiet, reflective life in order to re-enter a world I had felt ambivalent about. My ambivalence was showing in my appearance. And I didn't want it any more.
I knew I wanted to have some sort of look. And I knew it would start with clothes. I went to the Adidas Employee Store in Portland. Half off and no sales tax. That sounded like a good place to start a make over. I got some new shoes just for fashion. Then I bought a couple of hoodies. I bought some tank tops. I got another pair of shoes for running. I knew I would look cool hanging out or working out or running. I started to think about looking cool again.
Then I called my friend Nina who cuts hair. I had run into Nina at my best friend's bachelorette party. She cut my hair years ago and she knew what I used to look like. So I made an appointment. And I cut it all off.
I realized that I no longer wanted to look like the guy my ex wanted.
I no longer could base my look on a reaction to not looking like the guy he wanted.
I shaved my head for my Dad for a very good reason, but that's not who I am either.
And I'm not the guy who doesn't care what he looks like.
Every time Nina brought the razor blade out to cut into my hair and thin it out, I felt like I was taking the weight of the past three years off of my shoulders. I had decided to go longer on the top and shorter on the sides without looking like a hipster. That's not my look. I like clean and classic, with a bit of edge that comes from being a brown preppy type guy.
I looked great. I could now see how the weight loss looked on my face. I was no longer hiding. I was making money, being productive, making a plan for how to save money and be productive and make more money. I felt of the world again.
So I kept trying to find the right pair of jeans. I felt like I needed some jeans that reflected who I am. I had a pair borrowed from a friend. And I had a lot of boyfriend jeans or pants that used to look good on me. I didn't want any of that any more. But none of the jeans I found fit well. Then I went to the Gap Outlet with my Mom today and I decided to try on some jeans. They were half off. The skinny jeans in a size up fit perfectly. So I got two different washes. And a denim shirt.
I tried out a denim on denim look, which is on trend right now. It looked terrific. I had a look that made me happy. I started to see myself. I started to see how I could walk into a room and look someone in the eye. I started to see my youth and my confidence.
Appearances are important. To me. I love fashion. I love telling a story about myself through my appearance. I went into my closet and picked the clothes that best represent me now. I'm not quite done with the shopping, I'm sure. But I just wanted some clothes that felt good to put on. I needed some swagger and I've got it back.
I can't forget about me. I can't stop living life on my terms. This is my look.
I am grateful for all the new clothes I bought.
I am grateful for the work opportunities that helped out with achieving my new look.
I am grateful for Nina.
I am grateful for the time to reflect.
I am grateful that I look handsome again.
It looked all right. I even considered keeping it long and letting it get shoulder length so I could ombre it at the ends and look like Jared Leto. The only problem: I'm not Jared Leto. Well, and one other problem, I was getting impatient. I noticed that I was looking kind of shaggy. And as much as I would just love to be some intellectual who doesn't care about what his hair looks like, I know I'm not that person.
Honor thy Error as thy True Intention.
Okay, so maybe it really read: Honor Your Error as Your True Intention. I just liked making it sound more old world. I'm a vain person. But I think my vanity comes from wanting to present myself a certain way. And I started to notice how flat the hair was looking. I had just let it grow. I didn't trim my sideburns much. I didn't thin it out. I have very thick hair and usually I have to cut into it with a razor to "give it texture." It had no texture. It was my full head of hair. The full head of hair I hadn't had for a long time because even when I had hair, it was styled.
I was cleansing myself of my cleansing. I had shaved my head to cleanse myself. I wanted to show how different I was because my Dad had died. I wanted to mark the event. I later found out that shaving of the head after someone dies is a spiritual thing. It's supposed to mean that you're not invested in vanity. It removes vanity because the mourning process is about the person who has died. So I stripped myself clean. I kept my head shaved because I wasn't ready to let go. My head was shaved for almost nine months. It started to feel like a security blanket. I'm in mourning, leave me alone.
Then I went to Hawaii to spread my Dad's ashes. Once we came back, I knew I wanted to grow my hair out again. So I just let it grow. It got to a point where it really needed to be trimmed and shaped. I wasn't ready to go back to a stylist. I wasn't ready to just hop back into my vanity. So as a tribute, I went to the guy who had been shaving my head at my childhood barber shop and I had him trim the back and the sides a bit. He cleaned me up. So at least I looked presentable. But it wasn't a style. It wasn't a coif. It was just a haircut at a barber shop. That seemed fine to me.
Like I said, I was cleansing myself of my cleansing by growing my hair out. I hadn't had my hair long since my break up over three years ago when I cut my hair to get rid of the image of me that this ex had. He loved my hair long and I got rid of it because I wanted to get him out of my system. It's documented on the early days of this blog as a matter of fact. Summer went. Fall came. I went to Sonoma to a friend's house and I was around a bunch of hot looking gay guys. I just let it keep growing. I wasn't trying to compete or compare. I had a bigger mission. I needed to grow my hair long for me. It was the me that I felt the most comfortable with, not because my hair looked great long, but because people liked it. I have been told that I have beautiful hair since I started growing it out in college.
Eventually, it just got longer and longer. 2014 began. I knew I had to cut it soon, but I just needed to let it grow and grow and grow. Then I thought of keeping it going and going all Jared Leto like I said. But then I started working again and being vital again. I was working on a new play and a new pilot. I had thought about re-entering my old world, but this time being different. I was too busy being a worker bee to care about how I looked. And somehow that persona became comfortable. Too comfortable. I felt like Grizzly Adams. But slowly, what started happening was that I started to lose weight. I lost about 15ish pounds. And the long hair started to look slovenly to me. It started to look uncool. I started realizing how uncool I looked. Vanity came back.
But I realized, it wasn't just about being cool. It was about presenting myself to the world and I had stopped doing that. I had stopped caring. I got an influx of cash through work and I thought about how I could procure more work. I started pursuing some opportunities to put my work out into the public. And i realized that I would have to start putting myself into the public soon. But the person I appeared to be wasn't a public person. This was not a good presentation. I had grown out sideburns and hair that started to smell after a week of not washing. Even pulling my hair back when I was in the shower started not to look so hot. I realized I had to start having a healthy relationship to my vanity, which was integral to who I am. To deny my vanity was to deny myself.
I had been living a secluded life. I had been living a life on hold for so long that I started caring less about my appearance. But to be fair, I don't think my life over the three years really has been about my appearance. It has been a serious period of growth and reflection. I feel like I have been on a spiritual retreat for three years, but still living my life. It's like having walking pneumonia. Or it's like a walking meditation. I wasn't closing my eyes or going into a cave or being silent, but I was removed from my life while I was living it in order to reflect on it. Now my outer self had begun to represent this inner journey. But the problem was that I was getting ready to leave the sanctity of my quiet, reflective life in order to re-enter a world I had felt ambivalent about. My ambivalence was showing in my appearance. And I didn't want it any more.
I knew I wanted to have some sort of look. And I knew it would start with clothes. I went to the Adidas Employee Store in Portland. Half off and no sales tax. That sounded like a good place to start a make over. I got some new shoes just for fashion. Then I bought a couple of hoodies. I bought some tank tops. I got another pair of shoes for running. I knew I would look cool hanging out or working out or running. I started to think about looking cool again.
Then I called my friend Nina who cuts hair. I had run into Nina at my best friend's bachelorette party. She cut my hair years ago and she knew what I used to look like. So I made an appointment. And I cut it all off.
I realized that I no longer wanted to look like the guy my ex wanted.
I no longer could base my look on a reaction to not looking like the guy he wanted.
I shaved my head for my Dad for a very good reason, but that's not who I am either.
And I'm not the guy who doesn't care what he looks like.
Every time Nina brought the razor blade out to cut into my hair and thin it out, I felt like I was taking the weight of the past three years off of my shoulders. I had decided to go longer on the top and shorter on the sides without looking like a hipster. That's not my look. I like clean and classic, with a bit of edge that comes from being a brown preppy type guy.
I looked great. I could now see how the weight loss looked on my face. I was no longer hiding. I was making money, being productive, making a plan for how to save money and be productive and make more money. I felt of the world again.
So I kept trying to find the right pair of jeans. I felt like I needed some jeans that reflected who I am. I had a pair borrowed from a friend. And I had a lot of boyfriend jeans or pants that used to look good on me. I didn't want any of that any more. But none of the jeans I found fit well. Then I went to the Gap Outlet with my Mom today and I decided to try on some jeans. They were half off. The skinny jeans in a size up fit perfectly. So I got two different washes. And a denim shirt.
I tried out a denim on denim look, which is on trend right now. It looked terrific. I had a look that made me happy. I started to see myself. I started to see how I could walk into a room and look someone in the eye. I started to see my youth and my confidence.
Appearances are important. To me. I love fashion. I love telling a story about myself through my appearance. I went into my closet and picked the clothes that best represent me now. I'm not quite done with the shopping, I'm sure. But I just wanted some clothes that felt good to put on. I needed some swagger and I've got it back.
I can't forget about me. I can't stop living life on my terms. This is my look.
I am grateful for all the new clothes I bought.
I am grateful for the work opportunities that helped out with achieving my new look.
I am grateful for Nina.
I am grateful for the time to reflect.
I am grateful that I look handsome again.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Meditate, Meditate, Meditate, Meditate
The word meditate came up four times yesterday.
1) I have been thinking about meditation for the past several months. I have been closing my eyes in the morning and getting to a quiet place. That usually results in me falling asleep. I have also been driving with the sound off in my car for years. I have been carving out quiet and alone time for myself as well. Going to the spa. Going to the gym. Not talking to my boyfriend when I come home. But I haven't quite made it to meditation. I've taken out two books from the library: How to Practice by the Dalai Lama and Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness and Creativity by David Lynch. I have had the Dalai Lama book for 3 months. I've picked it up, read it, been confused by it. I've checked it out three times in a row. Then I checked out the David Lynch book. I thought that was going to be a book that would tell me how to meditate. It was not. It was a great book that extolled the benefits of meditation. But it had nothing in terms of instruction. It was just, "Meditation is great. You should do it. This one time, when we were shooting Dune…." But I read it three times because it was so easy to read and it did feel comforting and it was related to how mediation affected his work. It was more of a pep talk in preparation to mediate. And for that, it was good.
2) My best friend Alanna responded to an email in which I requested some help working out some characters for a new pilot I'm writing. "I'll meditate on it." I thought that was an interesting choice of words, given my preoccupation with mediating.
3) My friend Jenn and I met up yesterday to talk about a play that she wrote and wanted my feedback on. Somehow we got on the topic of meditation and she mentioned to me a bunch of meditation apps that she uses and sent me some resources.
4) My friend Susan and I were talking yesterday about writing and family and other issues going on when she mentioned that she had started meditating again.
So it's in the air. I literally had it come in from four separate sources yesterday. Meditating is an important thing for me to do. I need to calm myself and center my mind. I have been thinking about it forever and it seems like the Universe is telling me it's time to get to it.
I need to find a quiet space. And maybe try out those meditation apps tonight.
I am grateful for the acknowledgement that my journey has been a good one.
I am grateful that I have friends who are talking about meditating.
I am grateful for my ability to listen to the Universe when it's speaking.
I am grateful for my upcoming trip to Portland.
I am grateful that I can see how everything that has happened in my life has lead me here.
I am grateful that I have come a long way.
I am grateful that I can finally see how long that way has been and that I can appreciate it.
1) I have been thinking about meditation for the past several months. I have been closing my eyes in the morning and getting to a quiet place. That usually results in me falling asleep. I have also been driving with the sound off in my car for years. I have been carving out quiet and alone time for myself as well. Going to the spa. Going to the gym. Not talking to my boyfriend when I come home. But I haven't quite made it to meditation. I've taken out two books from the library: How to Practice by the Dalai Lama and Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness and Creativity by David Lynch. I have had the Dalai Lama book for 3 months. I've picked it up, read it, been confused by it. I've checked it out three times in a row. Then I checked out the David Lynch book. I thought that was going to be a book that would tell me how to meditate. It was not. It was a great book that extolled the benefits of meditation. But it had nothing in terms of instruction. It was just, "Meditation is great. You should do it. This one time, when we were shooting Dune…." But I read it three times because it was so easy to read and it did feel comforting and it was related to how mediation affected his work. It was more of a pep talk in preparation to mediate. And for that, it was good.
2) My best friend Alanna responded to an email in which I requested some help working out some characters for a new pilot I'm writing. "I'll meditate on it." I thought that was an interesting choice of words, given my preoccupation with mediating.
3) My friend Jenn and I met up yesterday to talk about a play that she wrote and wanted my feedback on. Somehow we got on the topic of meditation and she mentioned to me a bunch of meditation apps that she uses and sent me some resources.
4) My friend Susan and I were talking yesterday about writing and family and other issues going on when she mentioned that she had started meditating again.
So it's in the air. I literally had it come in from four separate sources yesterday. Meditating is an important thing for me to do. I need to calm myself and center my mind. I have been thinking about it forever and it seems like the Universe is telling me it's time to get to it.
I need to find a quiet space. And maybe try out those meditation apps tonight.
I am grateful for the acknowledgement that my journey has been a good one.
I am grateful that I have friends who are talking about meditating.
I am grateful for my ability to listen to the Universe when it's speaking.
I am grateful for my upcoming trip to Portland.
I am grateful that I can see how everything that has happened in my life has lead me here.
I am grateful that I have come a long way.
I am grateful that I can finally see how long that way has been and that I can appreciate it.
Monday, March 24, 2014
My Uncle Died Yesterday
My Uncle Dai Hing died yesterday. He had been in a nursing home for years and he had a wife and family who were carrying for him. My Uncle also raised my Dad for three years and was the whole reason my Dad moved out to California from Hawaii.
When we went to Hawaii last year to spread my Dad's ashes, I went to visit my Uncle in the nursing home. I really thought I was just going to pay homage to him and fulfill a family obligation to see my sick uncle. What happened was astounding and life-changing. He looked like my Dad. He talked to me in a way that was instructive and gentle, even though he didn't know who I was. I had always thought about my Dad in relationship to his parents, but I never thought about the influence that my Uncle had on him. I described this visit in a previous blog post as having my Dad back for an hour.
I couldn't figure out yesterday why I was feeling so melancholy. I just figured I was tired. I figured I needed a day to just be slow. And now that I'm looking out at the windows of the library where I'm writing, I can see that Monday's weather is matching up with yesterday's feelings. But I now realize that my reflective and frankly sad mood had something to do with my Uncle.
I don't know if I would go as far as to say that it's like losing my Dad all over again, but I feel like another part of him is gone.
I am grateful that I had that visit with Dai Hing last year.
I am grateful that our entire family took that trip to Hawaii together.
I am grateful that I allowed myself to be sad yesterday instead of fighting it.
I am grateful that I have the memories of my Dad and my Uncle to keep me company.
When we went to Hawaii last year to spread my Dad's ashes, I went to visit my Uncle in the nursing home. I really thought I was just going to pay homage to him and fulfill a family obligation to see my sick uncle. What happened was astounding and life-changing. He looked like my Dad. He talked to me in a way that was instructive and gentle, even though he didn't know who I was. I had always thought about my Dad in relationship to his parents, but I never thought about the influence that my Uncle had on him. I described this visit in a previous blog post as having my Dad back for an hour.
I couldn't figure out yesterday why I was feeling so melancholy. I just figured I was tired. I figured I needed a day to just be slow. And now that I'm looking out at the windows of the library where I'm writing, I can see that Monday's weather is matching up with yesterday's feelings. But I now realize that my reflective and frankly sad mood had something to do with my Uncle.
I don't know if I would go as far as to say that it's like losing my Dad all over again, but I feel like another part of him is gone.
I am grateful that I had that visit with Dai Hing last year.
I am grateful that our entire family took that trip to Hawaii together.
I am grateful that I allowed myself to be sad yesterday instead of fighting it.
I am grateful that I have the memories of my Dad and my Uncle to keep me company.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)