Just When You Think You've Conquered Something...

Last night I almost broke up with my boyfriend.

Things had been rough for awhile and we weren't really connecting. We weren't talking much. We weren't having sex. We were two separate people occupying the same space. And he had brought this up a lot. I felt like things could get better. But I didn't know how to make them better. There was a lot of talk about what we didn't have in common, which isn't something that ever bothered me. But we weren't sharing time together and when we were together we had nothing to relate to each other about.

But neither one of us knew how to get out of it.

Then yesterday things exploded. I had met him out at a sports bar to watch the Packers play and immediately I had bad energy. I didn't want to be there. I didn't feel comfortable. I had visible distain for the whole situation. And he knew it.

So when he got home, we had a conversation. We had many conversations dancing around the topic of us not connecting, but every time he had said that he didn't want to break up and that it wasn't about us breaking up. I felt relieved to hear that, but I also felt like that might not be true. What we were going through felt serious and I felt like he wasn't acknowledging it. Then he said, "We might not be the right fit."

There it was. The thing that I had been afraid of. The thought that was lingering in the air. My first thought was I knew it! Then I wondered if this was truly where we were. Was this the break up conversation? We both agreed that there didn't seem to be any way out. We both felt like we had tried and had once been connected. I felt like he had thrown his hands in the air and given up. Then I said something I hadn't expected to say.

I told him that I still resented him for not being there when my Dad died. I didn't feel supported. And because of things in his personal history, I never pushed it. I just assumed that him not being there for me was just something I would have to deal with. Besides, I had friends who were supportive. I was able to get support from other places. So I did what I try not to do--I pushed my feelings down, didn't acknowledge them and kept moving forward with my process of mourning. I didn't notice it right away because I had plenty of people in my life who had lost parents. I had my mother and my brother. I had other friends who were there for me.

After I told him that, we continued to talk about other things. What would we do now? Then he had to go teach a few music lessons and I decided to go visit my friends Susan and Clayton. We had dinner together where we talked about it. Susan told me to be patient. They both acknowledged that I should have someone in my life who supports me. I didn't know if this was it for us. When I broke up with the Ex, I had said that I wanted someone who was kind.  I needed to bring kindness into my life. And the Drummer had done that. Maybe that's all he came to do. And now that he brought kindness into my life, maybe that was it. The relationship had run its course.

As I left Susan and Clayton's I got a call from the Drummer. He was going to hit a few balls at the driving range before coming home to clear his head. I got home and ate something. I had just had dinner, but I felt like I needed to eat something. Then he came home. He wasn't feeling good. He was sick to his stomach. The revelation that I resented him for not being there for me hit him hard. He felt disappointed. He felt like he had failed me. I told him I never brought it up in any real way because he has some pain around family issues and I didn't want to disrespect him by asking for support. He had legitimate pain and I had legitimate pain and I didn't want to fight over whose pain was the deepest. He told me that it all made sense now. Knowing that I had resentment around how supportive he could be for me explained everything. He had losses he didn't think it was important to acknowledge. He also didn't remember saying the things I told him he said. I assured him that he said them and that they had a bigger impact than he realized.

Something broke. Something was shaken. The walls had been lifted or broken through. We suddenly had a place of understanding that we didn't have before. Then he asked me to hold him. And as I held him and rubbed his back, it felt closer than it had felt in a long time. It felt real. We both felt the love between us that had been missing. And we both acknowledged that we missed it.

I seriously thought it was over last night. I had prepared myself for it. I was scared. We both were.

And where do we go from here? How do we keep things from falling backwards? I think we keep talking. We have achieved a level of openness that we really didn't have before. I told him that I wanted to tell him how I felt now instead of six months after our break up, when we would have that "catch up" conversation where we could really be honest with each other with some distance from the relationship. I wanted to tell him now, so that at least he would know what was going on with me. And it was the thing that saved our relationship. As scary as that was to say, it saved us.

I am grateful for honesty.
I am grateful for an open minded and open hearted partner in life.
I am grateful to conquer fear.
I am grateful for the things that scare me.
I am grateful for the opportunity for renewal.

Meditation: Coming Out of the Closet

I'm into my meditation practice lately.  I have noticed how it has made small shifts in my consciousness and has allowed me to just let thoughts pass instead of being stuck in them.  I think it has given me my abundant productivity lately. I think it has helped me reduce my anxiety. I think it has allowed me to just be in the moment as much as possible and to focus on what is there versus what is not there.

Last night, I was at my best friend's birthday dinner and I was talking to her sister, who casually mentioned that she had been meditating. Not that I should judge a book by its cover, but it was surprising to me that she meditated. And it's not because she's not the spiritual type. Or because she seems a certain way to me. It's mainly because we've never had those conversations before.

And I realized that there are probably a lot of people in my life who I don't have the meditation conversation with. And the meditation conversation isn't just about meditation, it's about the things that occur to us as a result of meditation. It's about letting thoughts pass by. It's about shedding negativity. It's about living in an ultra sensitive space when it comes to recognizing the things that are blockages.

Right now in my life, I feel there are a category of people in my life who are on their way out. It's not that they're bad people. It's not that they've necessarily done something horrible to me. But it's just that our frequencies aren't matching up right now. Their rhythm is not my rhythm.  A lot of it does have to do with an overruling negative outlook.  And that outlook doesn't necessarily look like negativity.  Much like Resistance doesn't always look like Resistance, it looks like Reluctance or Rationalization. I want to surround myself with energy that reflects where I am at right now: relentless, purposeful, excited, buoyant, loving, kind. I want people who are writing five or six scripts a year so my life is reflected. I want people in my life who are constantly asking questions, constantly reading books, constantly making themselves excited, constantly full of wonder.

When I was with the ex, I think it was incredibly telling that I left that relationship without a lot of friends because his friends became my friends. Then I built certain things back up in my life and now I have a community of artists around me who I respect.  But I'm working really hard and I want to be around people who match that level, because I need to be pushed. Not always the one pushing.

I think "cleaning house" a bit is allowing me to bring that energy into my life. It is a bit of an upgrade. I'm ready to ascend to the next level. And the friends who are growing and evolving alongside me will be there. And the ones who aren't won't be there.

It's incredible to me the difference that meditation is making in my life. It's not a series of earthquakes, but a series of tremors that eventually shift the ground.

I am grateful for constant change.
I am grateful for comrades in meditation.
I am grateful for true friendship.
I am grateful for unconditional love.
I am grateful for unconditional wisdom.

Spirituality: The Person I Am Meant to Be

I have been on THIS journey for almost four years.

This journey being the journey of this blog which I started almost four years ago. My big break up happened four years ago Halloween.  And what I have gained in perspective and in peace of mind in that four years is immeasurable. And it continues to grow and expand all of the time.

In some ways, I don't recognize that person. But in other ways, I am very aware of who he is and his attributes so that I don't revert back to that. I don't think I could go backwards completely, but that sort of Resistance is dangerous and something I have to keep my eye on constantly.

I started this blog because I needed a place to talk about these changes that were going on inside of me. I needed a place to be safe and here in this blog I could be safe and sound. I could voice what was happening. A friend years ago said that I had been incredibly honest in this blog. I know that she meant that I had been too honest. Well, not too honest for me. I had to exorcise those demons and I had to do them publicly so I wouldn't turn back. I had to make a commitment to myself to move forward and putting my life down for people to read made sure that I was accountable. And there was something incredibly liberating about that sort of honesty, especially in the first year of that blog. Now I write when I have to get a thought down. It's less urgent these days because I am living the life I want to be living.

I realize how much money doesn't matter, but happiness does. That does not mean that I want to be destitute.  But I don't want to be spiritually or emotionally bankrupt either. I had given everything away. I didn't know what riches I had, so I just gave them away. So actually four years ago, I was the poorest I had ever been. I know what real poverty looks like. To be spiritually gone is to have nothing. And I had nothing left. I had given everything away to my Ex because that's all I knew.

I used to want us to be friends. I used to want him and I to have an honest conversation, but I don't think he is capable of it. And if he is ever capable of it, he will find me. I will not seek it out because in some ways I was ready a few weeks after we broke up. I wasn't spiritually whole by any means, but I was ready to get rid of that old self. Now I don't need us to be friends. I don't need to be liked by him. I could give a rat's ass if he had anything nice to say about me. One of my favorite sayings is, "What people think of me is none of my business." And it's not.

I have been going through a period of unpopularity lately with certain people in my life. I take accountability and responsibility for hurting people when I have. But when I legitimately have not hurt someone, I am not in the business of apologizing to make them feel better. I am not into the business of selling myself out for that. I appreciate the love and the growth that those friends have brought into my life. I am grateful for the purpose that those friendships served. But certain relationships are only for a season of one's life. And I am getting much more certain in how I feel people out. I used to apologize up and down the block to people when I didn't want to just so that they would feel better. I didn't realize that they were shaming me and by apologizing, I was giving away my own power. Again, if I have done something wrong, I know it in my soul. And I will account for that. But if someone is bringing their grief to my table, I will push it aside and not digest it. That grief can get cold and moldy and stale and eventually go away. I am not taking on other's grief for the benefit of their ego.

I was watching Ali MacGraw on Super Soul Sunday a few days ago and she was talking about the joy of saying "No." Just a flat out No. Not an apology or a follow up or even a "No, thank you." But just no. And there is something powerful in saying No. A refusal to accept anything less than what you deserve. And we fall back on apologizing because just saying No or just telling people how you feel, warts and all, can be a lonely place. I even feel it in my relationship sometimes. But as my tarot cards said recently, my temperament is part of who I am. My ruthlessness. My cutting to the chase. I used to think that all of those behaviors were mean-spirited. They can be. But there's also something about cutting to the core of who you are and what you want that is extremely powerful. It's so powerful often that we run away from it. And I am no longer running away from getting to the essence of my being in its pure form. I don't need to cut it with anything, like an excuse. If I don't want something or I don't accept something, it is enough to not want it and not accept it.

That's something I couldn't do four years ago.  Four years ago, everything my boyfriend said to me or every insult he struck me with stuck with me. I couldn't shake the emotion. Every time we had a fight, I couldn't write to escape. I couldn't just put it out of my mind. I held onto it tightly and it made me deeply unhappy. It was an awful existence. And thank God I got out because now I know it would have killed me. Maybe not right away. Maybe not some sort of big blow out fight that would end in a knife stab or a gun shot. Maybe not a drug overdose. But if I continued to be unhappy, a cancer would grow inside of me, either actual or metaphorical. I had such a high threshold for pain that I stayed in it for way too long.

I don't like to stand that kind of pain for very long. I get rid of it right away. In fact, I don't get near it. My spiritual journey over the past four years has led me back to the person I am meant to be. I realize that I knew things for years that I didn't realize I knew. Then I gave myself away and started learning things I didn't need to know, except for the fact that by learning those things I saw the value in what I have always known. It's like living in CA growing up. I never appreciated how beautiful it is here until I moved to places with colder, wetter, snowier climates. Now I realize how lucky I am to live in CA for the weather and I notice it every day. Now I realize how lucky I am to have true happiness and certainty in myself that I will never take it for granted again.

I am grateful for every minute it took for me to learn every lesson I've ever learned.
I am grateful for peace of mind.
I am grateful for gratitude.
I am grateful for solitude.
I am grateful for my meditation practice.

Why Do I Always Cry in Meditation?

It's not like I get the boo hoos.  I don't start heaving and sobbing uncontrollably.

But my eyes water and get wet.  Usually, I attribute it to being tired in the morning.  But this morning, I had a deep meditation and tears were streaming down my face.  I don't feel sad.  I don't feel depressed or emotional.  But my eyes get wet and eventually there are tears.

Today the tears were flowing.  And I started asking myself why.  I think that meditation is my one time during the day where I completely release.  The work I have been doing has been emotional.  I'm transcribing an old play of mine that I didn't have in the proper format which is also about my family.  My body is just letting the emotions flow out.  It's a good thing.  It's natural, which is evidenced by the fact that the tears just flow without effort or emotion behind them.

Today's centering thought of my meditation was the following:

My Life Energy Organizes My Life Effortlessly

And today's meditation was about Activating Power.  I feel like this was the perfect meditation for me this morning.  I have become more familiar and used to my Power over the past year or so.  Before I used to give my Power up and let other people take the lead.  Or I used to let what other people said about me affect me negatively.  I needed that validation.  Now I am learning to let go of that need for validation and I am claiming my Power.  I am claiming the force it has, the effect it has on other people and my ability to harness it.  I have lived my life knowing I have Power within and being afraid of it.  I am not afraid of it any more.  I am excited by its great light.  I am honored to have this Power within me.  My tarot card reading said that having this Power, sharing this Power, and living this Power is a responsibility.  I am finally ready to fully take on the responsibility.  That is the only way truly life changing events can occur in my life.  If I run away from that responsibility, how can I reap the benefits that my Life Energy affords me.  It's all there.  It's like the equity in a home.  I can only benefit from it if I use it.

And this Power has been building equity ever since I was born.  I have used some of it from time to time, but I have built up enough that I can harness that Power and put it to work for me.

I find it interesting that my meditations regularly involve tears and vulnerability.  And that I have this Power that I am accessing.  Strength is Vulnerability.  I don't know how it could be any clearer.

I am taking today to just be.  I am drinking tea.  Writing this blog.  I will go shower shortly.  I am spending time quietly.  Maybe I'll meditate more before the day gets started.  Then I am taking the boyfriend to the airport.  And I think I might go to the spa and sit in quiet for awhile as well.

The Universe has been asking me to slow down since yesterday.  I woke up and went to go get gas at Costco.  I drove all the way from my friend's house in Laurel Canyon to Burbank.  Then the entire gas station was closed.  I remember thinking that it was a waste of time initially.  Then I decided to enjoy the drive, which was out of my way.  I still had to get gas, so I stopped at a gas station I know near my house.  It took me awhile to merge back into traffic and get to the gym to do a short workout.

I didn't realize it at the time, but the Universe was already telling me that this wasn't going to be the day I expected.  So I went to the office.  Dealt with some issues there.  Meditated about mentorship.  Got a phone call from a woman who might be a mentor for me according to my latest tarot reading.  Great sign of meditation in action.  Then when I felt like I wasn't getting any work done, my desk collapsed to let me know that work wasn't going to happen today.  I had to drive back to Burbank to the IKEA there to get my replacement parts for my desk that bent when the desk collapsed.  I live in Burbank and had to go there twice randomly that didn't involve me going home.  So maybe there's another message about focusing on my home life that the Universe was trying to send me as well.

So eventually I came back to my friend's house where I'm staying and just laid down.  I was exhausted from the day, but also exhausted from all the work I've been doing on this screenplay for five weeks straight.  I wasn't honoring my body by resting.  So I did that.  And I am going to continue to do that today.  I need to respect what my body is telling me.  It needs rest.  My mind needs rest.  I need to refill my tank and let inspiration come.  I need to be around friends, which I was able to do last night with my playwrights group.  I need to be embraced by people who care about me and understand me.

There are more battles ahead in this war, but for the time being, I need to rest and recoup.

I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for entertaining videos on You Tube.
I am grateful for food.
I am grateful for my meditation practice.
I am grateful for laughs.
I am grateful for time together with people I like and respect.

Tarot Card Reading Revisit: Connecting the Dots

I had my tarot cards read almost a month ago. I love having them read and I love to go back a bit later and see what has resonated for me.  It's a good opportunity for reflection and to reinforce the messages of the reading.

So here's the link to my original reading:

http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2014/08/tarot-card-reading-ask-for-help.html

And I'm going to go back and see what has come to pass.

Where You Are Now (Knight of Wands)

Great time for travel if you can get away.  You feel charged up.  Ready to get things done.  Knights are message bearers and positive in work and career when it's a Knight of Wands.  You have a lot of reasons to feel pride.  Savor it.   Make sure you're making time to talk in your relationship.  That will bring you closer.  Money should be flowing, but cut expenses where you can. Devote time money and energy to the spiritual causes you believe in.

What you're looking for is coming.  Work without worry or concern.  Get things done.

I haven't traveled much lately.  But I am feeling an incredible amount of energy towards work and I'm getting a lot done in a short amount of time.  It doesn't feel as much like work as it typically has.  I'm very focused on a spiritual path and that seems related to my calling as a writer.  I feel abundance and I feel like money is coming, although that has been slow.  I am not anxious over it, which is shocking.  I am calmly working very hard and happy to do so.

Atmosphere/Setting the Stage (9 of Wands)

Don't let the things you are worried about overwhelm you. Get very specific about what you're worried about and pick it apart.  Pinpoint it.  Comfort yourself and ask for help if you need it.  Be clear about the things you can and can't control at work. This is a good time to get yourself whole emotionally.  Get some space from your beloved if you need it.  You shouldn't be fighting all of the time.  Look at ways, even small ones, to increase your income.  Meditation is important.  Get lots of food, exercise and rest.  Surround yourself with good people.

One last challenge before you get to your goal.  Plan your next course of action.  You're in a position of strength.

Yes, there is worry and concern about money.  I am trying to forge ahead and figure out big and small ways I can bring in more money.  I have been meditating every day, that helps.  I have been trying to be good to myself.  That seems to be good too.  And being surrounded by good people is really important to me these days.  It feels like I'm able to sense more negativity if it's around me.  And I'm not standing for it.  I just try to let go of the things I can't control, especially in terms of friends.  I know what I need to be positive and successful.  Gossip and petty behavior isn't a part of that anymore.

What I'm Supposed to be Learning This Month (The Lovers)

It usually points to romantic partnerships with one person.  But it can also address the duality in all of us.  Follow your heart when it comes to any hesitation or ambivalence in a relationship.  You may be facing a choice or decision in relationship to work.  Analyze all of your information then make your best choice.  Bring love to the center of your life and rebond with your love.  You will be glowing.  Life will be blissful to you know, which is wonderful.  Others recognize your glow.  Financially, don't lose sight of the things you really must do.  When it comes to health, focus on your healing energy and affirmations to become whole.  A mentor may be ready to come into your life: "when a student is ready, the teacher appears."

Unexpected change in love life.  Security vs. risk. You've got decisions to make.

I feel like I am in a stage in my life where I need to choose the right thing for myself.  Secure choices and risky choices are being offered to me.  I interviewed for a job that would be very secure and would offer me no time to write.  Fortunately, the person interviewing me and I figured that out pretty quickly.  I found myself in a place in my life where I could say, "No this isn't the right thing for me" without reservation.  And that's a risk to basically turn down a job that you could do with your "eyes closed" (her words, not mine).  But I know that I have worked hard especially this year to write full time.  And people are treating me as a full time writer, which is a glow I do not want to diminish.  I'm not sure what is unexpected about my love life, but I am working hard on making sure I have time for him.  It's hard when your focus is so strong and it threatens to exclude that person.

The Root/The Unconscious/The Foundation I'm Standing On (10 of Discs)

Your material needs will be met, perhaps to a degree you didn't think possible.  Things in general will be going extremely well.  Security in all forms is at a high ebb.  You have a great deal to be thankful for.  Relationships of all kinds are going well.  Make sure to share what you have, even a kind word. A raise in pay or a better position will come out of the blue.  You are very likely to enjoy this situation.    Just the right position at just the right pay will be made yours if you keep trying.  Under no circumstances should you give up.  Things are on the upswing, even if you see no concrete signs of that yet.  Make sure your beloved knows how much they mean to you.  You should have more than enough money to meet your needs.  Invest in your future and save some of what you have now.  Think about how you can share your peace, love and prosperity.  Time to share.

Carefree time.  Abundance and prosperity.  Job security. Don't be afraid to take risks. Great time to be self employed.  Create a base for yourself.

All of this is positive.  I didn't read the part before about things being on the upswing, even if there are no concrete signs of that.  I don't see concrete signs of money, but to know that things are heading in a good direction and that I can't give up is encouraging.  Money is the one area that continues to feel uncertain.  So by putting my energy into my office and knowing that money is coming, more than I thought possible, connected to a job better than I thought possible, is incredible.  So I just keep meditating and working, knowing it will come.  And this time does feel carefree in a way I haven't experienced in awhile.  So I feel blessed for that.  And I do need to set up my website so I can do some consulting.

The Last Two Weeks (Strength)

The importance of mind over matter.  Focus on what you want to do, rather than what you don't.  You have the power to harness your thoughts and use them for your benefit, as well as for others.   This is a responsibility that you have.  Conquer your fears, control your impulses and never lose patience with yourself or what you want to achieve.  Meditation and contemplation is important.  Don't spend time with fear or preoccupation.  Outward things will be going all right, but keep your head on straight.  If you are looking for work, know that you have the wherewithal and skill set to find it.  You have more options than you typically think possible.  Love should be going very well.  Money should be in a positive cycle. Save some, even if it's just a little.  This is a great time to control bad habits for your health.  Spend time on mind, body and spirit.  You are stronger than you think.

You have an internal power you need to trust in.  Harmony of the spiritual and material.  You have the ability to over come your own obstacles.  And you need to do this.

This is a great reminder that I have the power to make anything come to fruition that I want to happen.  By writing every day, I am focusing on what I want to do rather than what I don't.  I was going to reach out again to a former boss about making some money, but this is what I don't want to do.  I am going to trust that money is coming in the way that I want it to, through writing.  So I am not going to reach out to him any further.  That is scary, but that is focusing on what I want to do.  It's much deeper than just wanting a job or more money.  I have the responsibility to harness my abilities around what I truly, deeply, and madly want.  No compromising.  I have been meditating a lot and thinking a lot about what I really want (hence my blogs).  My mother said a few weeks ago that things were coming to be because "you are ready."  She said this with tears in her eyes.  And I believe that she is right.  Whatever I want I can have.   I just have to push it forward and work towards it.

How Others See Me in the World (Daughter of Discs/Page of Pentacles)

Can be a card about boredom.  Resist the the impulse to shake things up just for excitement.  There is a better use for this energy.  Great work to support you when you've got tedious work to do.  Focus, backbone and wherewithal to tackle a tedious project.  There's more work to be done than time to do it. Just roll up your sleeves and get busy.  Slow and steady wins the race.  If you need assistance to get things done, it's there for you.  Love may have lost some of its luster.  Work hard to get it back.  Financial reward for good old fashioned hard work.  No time to gamble or be unrealistic.  A good time to put an honest appraisal on the value of your skills and effort.  If you're not being properly compensated, now is a good time to make a change.  Invest, don't spend.  You don't have to get sick to get attention.  Take care of yourself.

Your a student, an apprentice with boundless energy and enthusiasm.  Little distinction between work and play.  On a real vision quest.  Idealistic. Will get good news involving clients.

I have been a bit bored lately.  This is a great reminder to not create drama or excitement.  There's work to be done and the excitement can happen in the work.  I love it and there's plenty of excitement and attention there.  Any health issues will result from emotional issues.  So it's important that I take care of myself and continue to put my energy in good places.  This card is about how others see me.  I guess people see me as someone who's got boundless energy and is always busy.  As a productive, enthusiastic, positive person who works hard.  I am happy with this assessment.

The Next Two Weeks (The Crone/The Hermit)

An extremely spiritual card.  Spirituality even if you are an atheist.  It might indicate trying to figure something out about someone else.  Ask for help with this and get several opinions if you need to.  As with the Strength card (where I was two weeks before this), you might be feeling like you need time alone.  Take it.  This is a card about "trying to do the right thing."  Just make sure that the right thing is what you need personally, not just worrying about the wants and needs of others.  You are reaching the point where work success and recognition are well within your grasp.  Do your best to be organized and productive.  This will pay off for you in ways that aren't clear yet.  Do the "right thing" even if no one is watching.  It seems that romantic relationships are not a priority for you right now.  If you're committed, you might have been moving in different directions for a while now.  Make sure you connect to keep the spark alive.  Be conservative with it comes to investments.  Now is not the time to gamble.  Ritual is important health wise.  Of any sort.  Like even going into an office every day.  Any health problems might indicate something emotional, not physical.  It is very likely that someone will come into your life who is a mentor or teacher, even if they don't "teach" you directly.  You will still learn from them on many levels.  If you need to be alone, be alone.  You will emerge from this month renewed spiritually.

Searching for truth.  A solitary journey.  You will get into the deeper levels of your psyche.Your inner light will illuminate others.  Card associated with Saturn Returns.  Period of solitude is nearing completion.  Increase in productivity.  Success is within your reach.

My best friend gave me the use of her house while she's out of town.  I have been spending my weeks here at the house and my weekends at my place.  I think that has helped on a number of levels. It has given me and my boyfriend space, which I think we need (according to another card in the deck).  But it has allowed me to put all of my focus where I need to put it.  When I am here at my friend's place, I go to the gym in the morning a few times a week and then I'm in my office anywhere between 8-8:30.  Then I mediate and I am working earlier.  If I stay at my place, I am in my office by 9:30-10, which is fine.  But earlier is better.  Like I said before, the money and the success I don't see coming, even if they are around the corner.  What I do see coming is my productivity and my work.  That is where the focus has been lately.  It's hard to justify spending this much time alone when you're in a relationship.  And this card says I need to honor that and do the right thing for myself, even if it doesn't seem like the right thing for my relationship.  We have been good about spending tim together on the weekends and if I have a free evening, I go over there.  As long as I have gotten my work done.  I remember when I read this for the first time, it said that ritual was important for my health.  I thought it just meant running or exercising.  Now I realize it means ritual of any kind.  And I go to the office every day.  I write every day.  I meditate every day.  I run every so often.  I go to the gym every other day.  Ritual's important because it take my mind off of things, but it also gets me to work towards my goal.  As the cards said, on two different occasions, slow and steady wins the race.

Self Concept Card/ How I Feel About Myself (Shaman of Swords)

Powerful, strong, forceful opinionated man.  Darker hair.  You may be tempted to think only about how things affect you personally, particularly when this card does not represent a man in your life.  Consider the feelings of others before you act.  A very forceful energy.  You may not always get a man in your life to change his mind.  You may have to change something major about your behavior, thoughts or expectations.  Don't overextend your reach.  A man in your work environment may be talking to you in a way that you find bothersome, but you might be too sensitive. If you're looking for work, a stereotypical "man's man" might be in a position to hire you, but you will have to impress him on every level to get the job.  Know where to draw the line, but don't be too quick to claim offense.   You might have to accept your beloved as he is, using your feminine energy.  Don't put up with being mistreated.  You need to fully understand and face the reality of your financial situation.  A need for generosity towards others. The rewards your reap will be worth it.  Active meditations are useful now.

This card and the Son of Wands speak to each other.  You're a writer.  Your cutting ruthlessness is about getting rid of what is useless.  You're the head of your own company.  You rarely vacillate.  Air signs: Aquarius.  Cut away from an old idea which has outlived its purpose.  Listen to your intuition.  You have the intellect to get to the heart of the matter.

This card is about how I feel about myself.  The more female version of this reading says that I am a writer and that my cutting ruthlessness is about getting rid of what's useless or unnecessary.  That kind of describes me to a T.  Does it always warm up my boyfriend to me?  No.  But I don't like things that are not needed.  I get to the point a lot because I don't want to waste time.  This also points to the masculine energy that I am getting more and more familiar with and used to.  I am trying not to just let this be an excuse for me to be ruthless and to the point.  I also have to think about what I am doing and saying.  I have to be fully self-aware.  But it also hollers back to some of the cards before this that have said that my believe in myself is of paramount importance right now and that I have to trust what I know.  I have great leaps and strides I want to take and I can't take them with the aplomb necessary unless my foundation is solid.  And the cards are saying that I need to strengthen the foundation because the leaps and bounds are coming.

Hope and Fear (Queen of Wands)

One of the most fertile (metaphorically and literally) and feminine cards of the deck.  Can represent a literal person.  Good energy to receive.  When not about a literal person, about getting a lot accomplished.  Often a focus on work and career.  You're going to get a great deal done in a short amount of time.  If you're looking for work, a woman can be instrumental in helping you find employment.  Exercise moderation when it comes to finances.  Make time for rest and relaxation, no matter what.

Female energy.  There is knowledge and wisdom that has been brought to you.  You are whole or becoming whole due to self-acceptance.  Your temperamental behavior is simply a part of who you are.  Don't lose that.  Work is very important right now.  Older woman who's going to be very helpful to you.  Expect improvement at work.

I remember when I saw this, I thought that it was right on.  I was working on a screenplay at the time and had to get the whole thing written in five weeks.  I was starting the process of working on it.  And I finished it and turned it in.  I'm trying to rest and relax.  Taking down time.  And I'm careful not to take the fact that my temperament is necessary as an excuse for all sorts of bad behavior.  Although the last card said that my ruthlessness is necessary and about getting to the heart of things.  So I guess I just have to accept who I am and the way I get things done without hurting people.  But I can't back away from who I am just because it's the "right thing to do."  It has to be right for me.  Especially in this period of extreme productivity.  

Home (2 of Pentacles)

A card about balance, often about partnership.  Trying to keep two broad areas of life in balance.  Two main issues are forefront in your mind.  Don't worry about too many things.  Multitasking is not your friend right now.  Your financial situation needs to be more balanced.  You may need to consider taking a risk.  Focus on just two main tasks at most.  If you're looking for work, focus.  Do not blanket the market with applications.  You and your sweetheart may be having a hard time finding time for each other.  Make sure the relationship is high on your priority list, otherwise it might not be there when you come back for it.  Make sure you know where you are financially.  Not a great time to speculate financially.  Take time to rest.  Nourishment of mind, body and spirit are necessary to find any balance.

Travel related to job and profession.  Be flexible in juggling many things at once.  Juggling won't feel like juggling.  Squeeze time in with loved ones, even though it might be hard to do.  You might have more than one job and multi tasking might be necessary.  A major change is ushered in.

So this is where the male and female interpretations differ.  The male interpretation is saying that multi tasking is not my friend, but to just focus on two things.  The female perspective says that multi tasking might be necessary if I have more than one thing going on.  It's said that women are better than men are at multitasking.  So maybe that's where the differences lie.  But it's clear that many things are going on, I should focus on what I really want and juggle as necessary.  But don't have so many things going on that my focus is diluted.  It's true that I am balancing my work life and my home life and that is is definitely affecting my home life.  I worry about it.  So I try to make time for us.  But the truth is that it's easier to focus on the work stuff because that seems to be where the energy and productivity are right now.  So I take the advice seriously to focus on relationships that might not be around when I'm ready to focus more completely.  Another card that mentions travel.  It would be great to travel for work.  That could be really fun.  But this card for me is really about that work and love balance.  That's a big challenge right now and one I am focusing on with a good amount of energy.  I love my boyfriend and I like being with him.

Next Steps

King of Pentacles

Authority, tradition and success in money matters.  Now is not the time to be a maverick.  Now's the time to follow the established way of doing things.  A man that I can believe in and trust absolutely.  It also reminds us to be good stewards of our lives, energies and the resources available to us.  An older more established man plays a major role. He's wise, fair, but quick to pass judgement.  This man may become a staunch supporter of yours, even though you've not met him yet.  Be prepared for scrutiny at all times.  If you are unsatisfied in your relationship, speak up.  Take calculated risks when it comes to money.  Share your wealth where and when you feel compelled to do so.  You can't take it with you.  To improve health, vent negative feelings.  Ritual and tradition may be comforting now.  Feed your spirit, your financial life will benefit as a result.

A woman. A business contact.  Pragmatic.  Confidence and ability to plan and produce.  You'll get help from a boss figure.  An authority.  This will bring unexpected recognition.  You have a project nearing completion, gearing up for the next undertaking.

It's funny that the male version points to a man who's coming.  And the female version is about a strong female business contact.  So if I'm combining them, this woman coming into my life is wise, fair and quick to pass judgment.  That sounds incredibly pragmatic to me.  She might become a staunch supporter of mine, even though I haven't met her yet.  Or at least I hadn't when this reading was done.  Much of this reading talks about a mentor, a woman coming into my life.  I met a woman who might become my manager.  I have not sent her material. She might not even know I am looking.  But we met, through a friend.  And she's someone I've been trying to meet.  So I have this knowledge and I'm sitting on it because I know the productivity to come in the next two months.  I know that the time will come where this will all start to coalesce and make sense.  But this woman keeps popping up in this reading and does in the next few cards.

9 of Pentacles

One of the most uplifting and encouraging omens in the suit.  Financial worries are over for awhile.  Things in general will be going better than I thought possible. Enjoy this energy and share your wealth and happiness with others.  Happiness and success.  On the mundane and inner realms.  You have a great deal to be proud of and hopeful about.  Expect the best to happen.  You will be in a position to help those less fortunate than yourself.  Pay attention not only to your material abundance but to your spirituality.  If you're looking for work this points to a better job than you thought possible.  You'll have a lot to be grateful for.  Your relationship will raise to new heights and levels of joy.  When evaluating your finances, you must look at your riches in other ways.  Are you healthy with a good family life? Your financial life is about to improve, perhaps beyond your wildest dreams.  Work hard.  You will be rewarded.  Share what you have.  This too is key.  You will be feeling full of vitality and hopeful and optimistic about the future.  Test results will come back in your favor.  Your self esteem is possibly higher than it has ever been.  You are now in a position to mentor others and share the spiritual insights that you have attained.

You are alone, but not lonely.  You don't need constant companionship.  Self reliance is the key to prosperity.  You're making your own way.  You're in a comfortable position.  You don't need to take on projects that don't interest you.  Be true to yourself to attract opportunities.

Again, this idea that I need to be true to myself so that the right opportunities come my way.  Also, I've noticed a lot in this reading the importance that sharing plays in everything going on right now. Share your resources: money, knowledge, compassion.  The spiritual and material are intrinsically related.  That one affects the other.  I like that is one of the most uplifting and encouraging omens in the suit.  A lot of good omens in this suit.  I like that financial worries might be over for awhile.  That's helpful.  All in all, I feel like I understand this reading and that I am living it, even a few weeks later.

Page of Wands

Might represent a literal person, like a younger female.  Wands people are warm, ambitious and high achievers.  The energy of easy distraction.  Try to stay focused.  Things that you started some time ago are starting to come to fruition.  Need for new things: new adventures, new approaches, new ideas.  Positive energy.  But we must supply the follow through.  A woman who is inclined to be helpful to you at work.  If you're waiting for news on a job you've applied for, the news is most likely good.  The job is likely to be better than you had hoped. Money headed for an upswing.  Some of what you put out into the world (good energy) is coming back to you with interest.  This is a good time to start planning long term in regards to finances.  Dream play be inventive: childlike.

You are looking for an agent for your screenplay. Creative seeds planted will begin to sprout.  There's a message regarding employment.  You might initiate a project that's completed by someone else.  You're getting recognition.  New opportunities appear out of the blue.  Something you've applied for, you will get.

Well, I wonder what I've applied for will be coming true for me?  I find it fascinating that it literally said I am looking for an agent for my screenplay.  Well, I am between reps.  All of these next steps point towards something great happening that will be lucrative.  I'm staying true and I'm continuing to work hard.  I can see that representation is on the horizon.  So is getting my stuff out there.  I'm just writing to make sure that I am ready for it when it comes.

Queen of Penticles

A woman with dark hair and dark eyes.  You will be spending time, energy and money on your home making it comfortable.  People will be looking to you for insight and/or advice.  This is a period of time where you can get a lot accomplished.  You are likely to make great headway now.  A woman with dark hair and eyes will be an ally.  If possible, bring items from your home life into your work space.  Your prosperity level is very likely to be increasing.  Don't hesitate to spend some of your new found wealth.  Saving is important, but spending when you have the means to do so is equally important as well.  Share what you have.  It is critical that you trust yourself.

There is a protective go-getter of a woman coming into your life.  You like practical, tangible solutions. You're building on your achievements.  You're happiest in your personal space surrounded by the things you love.  When paired with the 10 of Pentacles, expect a dramatic increase in income.

Well, there's a woman coming.  And this woman I met had dark hair, dark eyes, and dark circles.  I am sharing a lot lately.  My experience especially.  For me it's important.  I have insight and advice and it seems like people are listening.  That's a good thing because I feel it's in direct correlation to what I am getting done.  I am inspired by talking to people and that has made me more productive.  It feels like this reading is a lot about productivity.  It's about spiritual, material, and creative abundance.  I am ready for someone to come into my life to take charge and to bring opportunity.  The important thing to remember, that I feel a lot of my friends with representation don't remember, is that they are the captains of their own ship.  Even when it feels like the guys in white lab coats know more than we do.  

Looking at this reading a second time and really adding a lot more of the information from the other interpretation of cards that's more masculine in energy really has helped.  I think I was so overwhelmed and tired the first time around that I didn't pay as much attention to the information on the website.  I found so much more this time around.  But it is exhausting going through this.  I will have to go through it again in the morning since I just spent two and a half hours on this.  It was a great use of my energy, but I can feel myself fading.  There will be more to come in another post.

I am grateful for spiritual insights.
I am grateful for the money to come.
I am grateful for productivity.
I am grateful to be able to contemplate my journey.
I am grateful for mentors in my life.
I am grateful for the opportunity to mentor others.
I am grateful for my exercise regimen.
I am grateful for friends and supporters.
I am grateful that these messages are unfolding rapidly.
I am grateful for this information.

Tarot Card Reading: Ask For Help

It has been about eight months since my last Tarot Card reading.  I guess a lot of life happened and Susan and I couldn't get it together.  But tonight, the stars aligned.  We had seen each other at a party earlier that day.  Her husband was working.  My boyfriend was gigging.  The kid went to bed early.  It seemed like a good time to get this done.

I had been wondering what the cards had for me.  A month ago I looked back at the last reading she did and none of it seemed to be relevant anymore.

http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2013/12/tarot-card-reading-honor-thy-error.html

The cards signaled that some changes needed to be made and I felt like many things had shifted in my life since the end of 2013.  I've been meditating.  I'm focusing in a more spiritual direction.  This year has been uber productive in terms of writing.  I feel like the motivation I've wanted since my Dad passed has finally begun to take root.  And this new reading seemed to reflect the changes that had happened.  It was a very positive reading, but also insightful and reflected what I'm feeling about my course in life these days.

Susan had me pick a card out of her specialty deck.  The card usually reflects a theme or gives a direction in what to focus on.

Ask for help.

That was the most direct card I had ever gotten.  The messages were usually a little more interpretive.  The last time we did a reading my card was Honor Thy Error as Hidden Intention.  The meaning of that unfolded for months afterward.  Ask for Help is a little more specific and direct.  But it seems to reflex the state of things.  The brush has all been cleared away and now I'm seeing things clearer.

Ask for help.  I can do that.

When Susan started uncovering the cards she was amazed that they all seemed to be Vision cards.  The cards she was pulling for me seemed to do with passion and having a Vision towards what I'm meant to do.  Having a clear idea of how to conduct myself.  I wanted concrete answers and this reading seemed to be very concrete, mainly because I had become more specific in what I want.

She also got the feeling that this was going to be a reading about Work, which was of no surprise to me since that seems to be what I'm most concerned with these days.  So I'm going to look at the reading again, using the same online resource I used last time that shed a bunch of light on what I was seeing and hearing.

Where You Are Right Now (Knight of Wands)
This is a great time to Travel, if you can get away.  You're feeling charged up, full of energy, ready to get things done.  Self confidence is increasing.  Knights are message bearers and in Wands, related to work and positive.  Projects are likely to be more successful than expected.  Savor it.  Money should be flowing easily at this time.  But still cut expenses where you can.

You don't know what you're looking for, but what you're looking for is coming.  Get on with what you need to get done.  This is a good time to accomplish what you want without worry or concern.

Atmosphere/Setting the Stage (9 of Wands)
One last challenge is in front of you before you get your goal.  You're in a position of strength.  Plan your next course of action.  You have plenty of skill still in reserve.  Your work gets recognized at an iffy time.

You may have some concern or worry.  Don't be afraid to pinpoint where that worry is coming from.  And Ask for Help (there it is again).  Give your love some breathing space if you've been disagreeing.  Worry, anxiety and stress are affecting you right now.  Make sure you take care of yourself with food, water, exercise and rest.  Focus on the positive.  Surround yourself with good people.  Be grateful.  Focus, plan, call yourself to a higher spiritual involvement.  Discipline will help you now.

What I'm Supposed to Be Learning This Month (The Lovers)
Associated with duality.  Gemini.   There might be some ambivalence in a love relationship.  In Fear vs. Love, choose Love.  Bring Love to the center stage of your life.  You may be making a decision regarding work or career.  Take time to think it through.

Choices.  Duality.  There's a sudden and unexpected change in love life.  You're looking at security versus risk.  Your current relationship is going through a major change.  This is a blessing in disguise.  You might be conflicted with taking a work relationship further.  You've got decisions to make.

The Root/ The Unconscious/ The Foundation I'm Standing On (10 of Discs)
This is a good omen. It means your material wishes will be met, perhaps to a degree you didn't think possible.  Positive in all relationships.  You have a great deal to be thankful for.  Make the best of it and make sure to share what you have.

This is a carefree stage in your life.  There is abundance and stability.  Beyond material prosperity.  You're going to achieve job security.  Don't be afraid to take risks.  This is a great time to be self employed.  Create a base for yourself.

The Last Two Weeks (Strength)
Mind over matter.  Whatever you want, you can harness your thoughts and achieve it.  Conquer your fears, control your impulses and never lose patience.  Make time to meditate, contemplate and spend time alone.  Do not allow yourself to spend time in contemplation and fear.

This indicates Leo or the Lion.  Rulership.  It's implicit that you trust in your own abilities.  You have an internal power that you need to trust in.  There's a harmony of the spiritual and the material.  You have the ability and you need to overcome your own obstacles.  You're in a strong position work wise.

How Others See Me in the World (Daughter of Discs/Page of Penticles)
There might be more work than there is time to do it.  Roll up your sleeves and get it done.  Slow and steady wins the race.  Remember, if you need assistance, ask for the help (there it is again) you need.  In love relationships, things might have gotten stagnant or boring.  Make sure you focus on remedying that.

You're a student, an apprentice.  You've got boundless energy and enthusiasm.  There is little distinction between work and play.  You're solitary and headed toward the journey of a vision quest.  You're idealistic.  You will receive good news regarding clients.

The Next Two Weeks (The Crone/The Hermit)
A spiritual card.  You might have to spend a lot of time alone.  Go ahead and take it!  Don't be afraid to be alone.  This is a card about trying to do the right thing, just make sure it's the right thing for you and not about taking care of others.  Work success and recognition are well within your grasp.  Do your best to be organized and productive.  It will pay off in ways that are not clear yet.  Keep connected to your lover to keep the spark alive.   Ritual is important health wise.  You may have a mentor coming into your life.

Searching for truth.  Solitary journey.  You'll get into the deeper levels of your psyche.  Your inner light will illuminate others.  This card is associated with Saturn Returns.  Your period of solitude is nearing completion.  There's an increase in productivity and success is within your reach.

Self Concept Card/How I Feel About Myself (Shaman of Swords)
Someone with a strong, forceful opinion.  Active meditations are useful now.

This card and the Son of Wands speak to each other.  You're a writer.  Your cutting ruthlessness is about getting rid of what is useless.  You're the head of your own company.  You rarely vacillate.  Associated with Air signs: Aquarius (my sign).  Cut away from an old idea which has outlived its purpose.  Listen to your intuition.  You have the intellect to cut to the heart of the matter.

Hope and Fear (Queen of Wands)
This is a highly fertile time to get things accomplished in your work and career.  This is the time to get a lot done in a short amount of time.  Positive uplifting energy.

Female energy.  There is wisdom and knowledge that has been brought to you.  You are whole or becoming whole due to self acceptance.  Your temperamental behavior is simply a part of who you are.  Don't lose that.  Your work is very important now.  There is an older woman who is going to be very helpful to you.  Expect improvement in work.

Home (2 of Penticles/Discs)
Balance.

There is travel related to job and profession.  Be flexible in juggling many things at once.  Take a calculated risk.  Squeeze time together with loved ones, even though it may be hard to do so.  You might have more than one job and multi tasking might be necessary.  A major change is ushered in.  Your juggling won't feel like juggling.

Next Steps:
(King of Penticles)

Authority, tradition and success in money matters.

A woman.  A business contact.  She's pragmatic.  There's confidence and ability to plan and produce.  You'll get help from a boss figure, an authority.  This will bring unexpected recognition.  You have a project rearing completion, gearing up for the next undertaking.

(9 of Pentacles)

Great omen in regards to money.  Financial success.  Expect the best to happen.  You're in a position to help others.  Pay attention not only to your material abundance but also your spirituality.  A better job than you thought possible.

You're alone, but not lonely.  You don't need constant companionship.  Self reliance is the key to prosperity.  You're making your own way.  You're in a comfortable position.  Don't need to take on projects that don't really interest you.  Be true to yourself to attract opportunities.

(Page of Wands)

Things you started long ago are starting to come to fruition.  There is also a need for new ideas, new adventures and new approaches.  A very creative time for you.  Dream, play, be inventive.

You are looking for an agent for your screenplay (literally, the exact words).  Creative seeds planted will begin to sprout.  There's a message regarding employment.  You might initiate a project that's taken over by someone else.  You're getting recognition.  New opportunities seem to appear out of the blue.  Something you've applied for, you will get.

(Queen of Pentacles)

You are likely to make a lot of headway now.  With the help of a woman with dark hair and eyes.  Bring items from your home life into your work situation.  It will make you feel more at home and make you more effective.  Trust yourself.

There's a protective, go-getter of a woman coming into your life.  You like practical, tangible solutions. You're building on your achievements.  You're the happiest in your personal space that you've created surrounded by the things you love.  When paired with the 10 of Pentacles, you should expect a dramatic increase in income.

Again, this was a pretty positive reading which points to trusting who I am, which will lead to prosperity of material, spiritual, physical and emotional wealth.  And there is a woman coming that will help me achieve my vision.

I'll be taking a while to take all of this in.

I am grateful for this reading.
I am grateful for all of the good coming into my life.
I am grateful for the seeds I planted long ago.
I am grateful for everything that has led up to this moment.
I am grateful for the fun, light and love in my life.
I am grateful for the surprise and wonder of things to come.

I'm Not Done

I started writing this story in novel form today.

It has taken me three years and eight months to get here to a place where I can actually write about this break up and put it in context.

I wrote this blog to start talking about the break up of a relationship I had been in for five years.  The first year of this blog is really mainly about that.  Some of the details I have forgotten and I intend on going back to this blog to refresh my memory and to (ugh) relive some of this stuff.

My friend Kenchy said to me years ago when I explained to him that I had started to forget how bad it had been that my mind was healing and that's why it was allowing me to forget.

I just wrote five pages today in my office and I feel like I could write more.  I'm still uncertain as to how much I am going to fictionalize about this story.  I feel like some of the details that I never felt comfortable including in this blog will be in the novel version of this story.  I kind of have to put it all out there.  Now that my ex is in recovery, I think I feel better about that.

I never wrote about the drugs because I didn't want to tell his story.  But as I think he's beginning to tell his own story, I'm more open about it.  And I will include that in the novel.  I won't be any more explicit about it here.

I'm not sure why today was the day I decided I was ready to write about it.  I had thought about it yesterday.  And about three weeks ago, I had figured out how I would open the book.  So that's what I wrote today.  I also read a book that really influenced me.  It was a book that's about to be made into a movie and that I had been reading.  I had put off reading that book since after my break up.  I think I've had a copy of that book for the past three or so years as well.

Maybe that's what it took.  I read this book.  I realized that I had a story to tell and I decided it was time to tell it.  It's like a young kid watching a movie or a play and going, "Hey, I can do that!"  That's the thought I had.  The writer of this book is very good.  He's funny.  Notice how I'm not mentioning the title of the book or the author.  I don't want to be perceived as copying.  It's not really that sort of thing anyway.  My story is different from the story of the book.  I guess I'm just paranoid.  But that was the impetus for me to put this down.

It was after that that I imagined the beginning of the book.

Years ago (probably chronicled in the November 2011 section of this blog) my friend Caitlin had mentioned that she was reading the blog and loving it.  She asked me if I was going to do anything with it.  It just seemed so soon.  I don't think I had an idea that I had anything worth reading.  It was raw.  It was sad.  It was fresh.  But somewhere deep down I think I knew that the story wasn't done yet.

People said the same thing to me after my Dad died.

"How are you doing?"
Fine.
"Good.  So when are you going to write about this?"

My Ex even asked about that when I ran into him at Gay Pride this year.  He told me that I needed to write about my Dad's death.  Thanks, but you don't really get a say anymore.  I think something in me changed during that conversation.  As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I have wanted some sort of friendship or relationship with him for a while.  It took me some time to heal and to have some perspective on what had happened.  I didn't want to see him for a long time.  I couldn't see him for a long time.  I needed to stay away.  I knew I was still fragile.  But when I was ready to make contact, something in me--the healing, forgetting part--felt like I could handle a friendship.  But he never wanted that.  And in that last interaction we had, I realized that I don't want that either.  He's not a very nice person.  He's generous.  He's gregarious.  He's a great host.  But he's not kind.  He wasn't cruel in the conversation we had, although I know how cruel he really can be.  He probably doesn't care enough to be cruel to me.  His cruelty was built on the foundation of the love and vulnerability I had with him.

The epiphany I had in that conversation was that there would be no friendship.  So I guess that really set me free to start thinking about this book.

The other story of this book IS my Dad's death.  His illness leading up to his death.  His death and then the healing that has happened since.  The book isn't just the break up.  The book isn't just about my Dad dying.  Both stories are linked.  They are a part of my journey and healing process.  Both are about putting a certain feeling about myself to bed.  And I like how both stories weave in and out a bit.

So I start this journey.  I started this journey with five pages this afternoon.

It will also give me the chance to go back and read what I have written.  I have the best notes.

I am grateful for this journey.  
I am grateful for the record of this story.
I am grateful for friends who have helped me through this.

I'm Done

I.

I started this blog three and a half years ago after a break up.  It was a traumatic time.  That led to more trauma as my father got sick and eventually passed.  As time has gone on, I have made contact with my ex and tried to get some sort of resolution about our relationship.

I've emailed.
We've talked a bit.
I've opened up.
I've tried to chat with him while we were naked at a Korean Spa about four months ago.
A part of me has wanted a friendship with him again.
We ran into each other at my friend's Gay Pride party (where I also saw him last year).
I'm done.

I'm done trying to be his friend.
I probably should have come to this conclusion earlier.
And I'm sure my friends have wondered why I have tried to be friends with him.  But I thought that maybe enough time had passed.
I don't think our resolution will be happening in our lifetimes.
And that's fine.  Partially because it has to be.
We are never ever ever getting back together.  And we are never ever ever going to be friends.
How do I know this?

Well, every time I try to talk to him it feels uncomfortable.
And despite his new sobriety, his new introspection, and weight loss, he's the same guy.
I could feel the negativity.
I could feel the closed offness.
He was sending me some pretty clear signals.  I just have to pick up on them.
He's not the nicest guy.  He never was.
And I'm trying to stay away from negativity in my life.
I am happy for his progress in his life.  I am happy that certain things that weren't able to happen while we were together, in terms of his own mental, physical and emotional health, are happening.

As I stood there, talking to him yesterday, cornering him really, I realized how much had changed in three and a half years.  I was no longer the guy who felt inferior to him, who deferred to his Alpha Maleness.  I also didn't feel like I had to prove myself to him.  He had made a remark that the best thing I had ever written was a play that I wrote about my grandmother years ago.  And it was the best thing I had ever written all of those years ago.  But it wasn't the best thing I had written since.  He has no clue about the person I have become because of the changes that happened in my life since our split.  And I finally figured out that he doesn't have the right to know about those changes any more.  I don't have to try and gain his friendship.  His friendship is not there.  And that is so okay with me now.  I understand now that we were never friends to start and wouldn't be friends now because there is no foundation there.  I wish him well.  I don't feel like I have to explain all of this to him.  I ready to go my separate way from him.

But the same things that were making him unhappy eight and a half years ago when we met are the same things that are making him unhappy now.  And that's okay.  But I don't have to be around it or chase it or resolve it or make it better.  I am perfectly complete, content, happy and loved without him in my life now or ever.

II.

The other thing I'm done with is negativity in general.  I know of a few people in my life who are just carrying a negative vibe around with them.  Ick.  And it's not like they're wearing black all of the time or drinking during the day or saying nasty shit constantly.

They're just unhappy and can't see the good around them.  And they either put up with negativity and allow it to be around them or they are outwardly negative.  It's not a malicious quality.  They are not mean.  But they are just unhappy and happy to be so.

I need them out of my life.

I am fine with listening to friends and they're problems.  I love being a sounding board.  But at a certain point, I am inviting danger and negativity into my sphere and consciousness by allowing them in my life.  It's not that I don't love them.  It's not that I won't check in on them from time to time, but I can't allow that energy in my life.  I can't let them sour my soup.

I used to wonder why there was a cloak of sadness around me and a certain group of friends I had.  It seemed like we were in the struggle and it was getting to all of us.  What I realize now is that we were pulling each other down.  As my attitude has changed, as I have worked through some of my shit, I realize that commiserating can be destructive if we are not conducting our lives differently as a result.  I am watching people I know make mistakes and I am trying not to make those same mistakes.

I love these people. I care about them.  But I am also not going to tolerate being treated in a way I shouldn't be treated.  I have a friend who has stopped calling.  I have a friend who didn't reach out when he came to LA.  I have people who don't want to be a part of my life and yet I keep trying to bring them into the fold.  If they don't want to be in my life, they shouldn't be a part of my life.  I need to let them go because they are already gone.

I have a couple of new people who have come into my life who are kind and loving and smart as hell.  We talk about things that aren't about why we're not getting this or that and why certain things aren't happening for us.  It's useless talk.  We talk about work and politics and make jokes.  We have chemistry.  It's wonderful.  Most of these people happen to be straight men, which is interesting.  Not like I haven't had close straight guy friends before.  But I definitely sense an energy shift.

In order to invite change into my life, I have to make room.  And it's time.

I am grateful for these new men in my life.
I am grateful for creative partnerships.
I am grateful for sweet people.
I am grateful for kindness and love.
I am grateful for my boyfriend.
I am grateful for the lessons I am learning.
I am grateful for change.

I'm Coming Out

Apparently, Madonna (or Madge or the more recent M-Dolla) just finished work on a new album.
The internets are abuzz.
The gays are abuzz.
I'm abuzz.

http://www.muumuse.com/2014/04/madonna-pop-icon-icon-mdna-new-album-instagram.html/

It's an event.  It's exciting.

I feel like I'm having my own #secretprojectrevolution.

I just cut my hair.
I have been in "the studio", my writing studio, writing for the first part of this year.
I am in the process of putting together a new wardrobe.
My attitude has been shifting.
My consciousness is alive.

I feel myself emerging in a way I haven't felt myself emerge since my teens and early 20s.
It's a rebirth, you could say.
But it feels more like I'm being reincarnated with the full knowledge of my past life.
I'm happy to have this freedom and I am not taking it for granted.
I am most certainly not.

I am grateful for my new look.
I am grateful for my new attitude.
I am grateful for a lot of love.

Keeping Up Appearances

I recently wrote on a Facebook post that I shaved my head in July 2012, then kept shaving it until April 2013.  I had a wedding to go to and I wanted to make sure I looked good.  Then I decided to let it grow out.  In August 2013, I got a haircut from my childhood barber (who I will probably never see again).  Ever since then I have been growing my hair out.  I let the sideburns go.  I let my hair go.  I didn't care. I had other things to worry about.  I had been writing a lot.  I worked on losing some weight, but I didn't care about how I looked.  I also needed to grow my fresh hair back as a way to get back to myself.

It looked all right.  I even considered keeping it long and letting it get shoulder length so I could ombre it at the ends and look like Jared Leto.  The only problem: I'm not Jared Leto.  Well, and one other problem, I was getting impatient.  I noticed that I was looking kind of shaggy.  And as much as I would just love to be some intellectual who doesn't care about what his hair looks like, I know I'm not that person.

Honor thy Error as thy True Intention.

Okay, so maybe it really read: Honor Your Error as Your True Intention.  I just liked making it sound more old world.  I'm a vain person.  But I think my vanity comes from wanting to present myself a certain way.  And I started to notice how flat the hair was looking.  I had just let it grow.  I didn't trim my sideburns much.  I didn't thin it out.  I have very thick hair and usually I have to cut into it with a razor to "give it texture."  It had no texture.  It was my full head of hair.  The full head of hair I hadn't had for a long time because even when I had hair, it was styled.

I was cleansing myself of my cleansing.  I had shaved my head to cleanse myself.  I wanted to show how different I was because my Dad had died.  I wanted to mark the event.  I later found out that shaving of the head after someone dies is a spiritual thing.  It's supposed to mean that you're not invested in vanity.  It removes vanity because the mourning process is about the person who has died.  So I stripped myself clean.  I kept my head shaved because I wasn't ready to let go.  My head was shaved for almost nine months.  It started to feel like a security blanket.  I'm in mourning, leave me alone.

Then I went to Hawaii to spread my Dad's ashes.  Once we came back, I knew I wanted to grow my hair out again.  So I just let it grow.  It got to a point where it really needed to be trimmed and shaped.  I wasn't ready to go back to a stylist.  I wasn't ready to just hop back into my vanity.  So as a tribute, I went to the guy who had been shaving my head at my childhood barber shop and I had him trim the back and the sides a bit.  He cleaned me up.  So at least I looked presentable.  But it wasn't a style.  It wasn't a coif.  It was just a haircut at a barber shop.  That seemed fine to me.

Like I said, I was cleansing myself of my cleansing by growing my hair out.  I hadn't had my hair long since my break up over three years ago when I cut my hair to get rid of the image of me that this ex had.  He loved my hair long and I got rid of it because I wanted to get him out of my system.  It's documented on the early days of this blog as a matter of fact.  Summer went.  Fall came.  I went to Sonoma to a friend's house and I was around a bunch of hot looking gay guys.  I just let it keep growing.  I wasn't trying to compete or compare.  I had a bigger mission.  I needed to grow my hair long for me.  It was the me that I felt the most comfortable with, not because my hair looked great long, but because people liked it.  I have been told that I have beautiful hair since I started growing it out in college.

Eventually, it just got longer and longer.  2014 began.  I knew I had to cut it soon, but I just needed to let it grow and grow and grow.  Then I thought of keeping it going and going all Jared Leto like I said. But then I started working again and being vital again.  I was working on a new play and a new pilot.  I had thought about re-entering my old world, but this time being different.  I was too busy being a worker bee to care about how I looked.  And somehow that persona became comfortable.  Too comfortable.  I felt like Grizzly Adams.  But slowly, what started happening was that I started to lose weight.  I lost about 15ish pounds.  And the long hair started to look slovenly to me.  It started to look uncool.  I started realizing how uncool I looked.  Vanity came back.

But I realized, it wasn't just about being cool.  It was about presenting myself to the world and I had stopped doing that.  I had stopped caring.  I got an influx of cash through work and I thought about how I could procure more work.  I started pursuing some opportunities to put my work out into the public.  And i realized that I would have to start putting myself into the public soon.  But the person I appeared to be wasn't a public person.  This was not a good presentation.  I had grown out sideburns and hair that started to smell after a week of not washing.  Even pulling my hair back when I was in the shower started not to look so hot.  I realized I had to start having a healthy relationship to my vanity, which was integral to who I am.  To deny my vanity was to deny myself.

I had been living a secluded life.  I had been living a life on hold for so long that I started caring less about my appearance.  But to be fair, I don't think my life over the three years really has been about my appearance.  It has been a serious period of growth and reflection.  I feel like I have been on a spiritual retreat for three years, but still living my life.  It's like having walking pneumonia.  Or it's like a walking meditation.  I wasn't closing my eyes or going into a cave or being silent, but I was removed from my life while I was living it in order to reflect on it.  Now my outer self had begun to represent this inner journey.  But the problem was that I was getting ready to leave the sanctity of my quiet, reflective life in order to re-enter a world I had felt ambivalent about.  My ambivalence was showing in my appearance. And I didn't want it any more.

I knew I wanted to have some sort of look.  And I knew it would start with clothes.  I went to the Adidas Employee Store in Portland.  Half off and no sales tax.  That sounded like a good place to start a make over.  I got some new shoes just for fashion.  Then I bought a couple of hoodies.  I bought some tank tops.  I got another pair of shoes for running.  I knew I would look cool hanging out or working out or running.  I started to think about looking cool again.

Then I called my friend Nina who cuts hair.  I had run into Nina at my best friend's bachelorette party.  She cut my hair years ago and she knew what I used to look like.  So I made an appointment.  And I cut it all off.

I realized that I no longer wanted to look like the guy my ex wanted.
I no longer could base my look on a reaction to not looking like the guy he wanted.
I shaved my head for my Dad for a very good reason, but that's not who I am either.
And I'm not the guy who doesn't care what he looks like.

Every time Nina brought the razor blade out to cut into my hair and thin it out, I felt like I was taking the weight of the past three years off of my shoulders.  I had decided to go longer on the top and shorter on the sides without looking like a hipster.  That's not my look.  I like clean and classic, with a bit of edge that comes from being a brown preppy type guy.

I looked great.  I could now see how the weight loss looked on my face.  I was no longer hiding.  I was making money, being productive, making a plan for how to save money and be productive and make more money.  I felt of the world again.

So I kept trying to find the right pair of jeans.  I felt like I needed some jeans that reflected who I am.  I had a pair borrowed from a friend.  And I had a lot of boyfriend jeans or pants that used to look good on me.  I didn't want any of that any more.  But none of the jeans I found fit well.  Then I went to the Gap Outlet with my Mom today and I decided to try on some jeans.  They were half off.  The skinny jeans in a size up fit perfectly.  So I got two different washes.  And a denim shirt.

I tried out a denim on denim look, which is on trend right now.  It looked terrific.  I had a look that made me happy.  I started to see myself.  I started to see how I could walk into a room and look someone in the eye.  I started to see my youth and my confidence.

Appearances are important.  To me.  I love fashion.  I love telling a story about myself through my appearance.  I went into my closet and picked the clothes that best represent me now.  I'm not quite done with the shopping, I'm sure.  But I just wanted some clothes that felt good to put on.  I needed some swagger and I've got it back.

I can't forget about me.  I can't stop living life on my terms.  This is my look.

I am grateful for all the new clothes I bought.
I am grateful for the work opportunities that helped out with achieving my new look.
I am grateful for Nina.
I am grateful for the time to reflect.
I am grateful that I look handsome again.

Meditate, Meditate, Meditate, Meditate

The word meditate came up four times yesterday.

1) I have been thinking about meditation for the past several months.  I have been closing my eyes in the morning and getting to a quiet place.  That usually results in me falling asleep.  I have also been driving with the sound off in my car for years.  I have been carving out quiet and alone time for myself as well.  Going to the spa.  Going to the gym.  Not talking to my boyfriend when I come home.  But I haven't quite made it to meditation.  I've taken out two books from the library: How to Practice by the Dalai Lama and Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness and Creativity by David Lynch.  I have had the Dalai Lama book for 3 months.  I've picked it up, read it, been confused by it.  I've checked it out three times in a row.  Then I checked out the David Lynch book.  I thought that was going to be a book that would tell me how to meditate.  It was not.  It was a great book that extolled the benefits of meditation.  But it had nothing in terms of instruction.  It was just, "Meditation is great.  You should do it.  This one time, when we were shooting Dune…."  But I read it three times because it was so easy to read and it did feel comforting and it was related to how mediation affected his work.  It was more of a pep talk in preparation to mediate.  And for that, it was good.

2) My best friend Alanna responded to an email in which I requested some help working out some characters for a new pilot I'm writing.  "I'll meditate on it."  I thought that was an interesting choice of words, given my preoccupation with mediating.

3) My friend Jenn and I met up yesterday to talk about a play that she wrote and wanted my feedback on.  Somehow we got on the topic of meditation and she mentioned to me a bunch of meditation apps that she uses and sent me some resources.

4) My friend Susan and I were talking yesterday about writing and family and other issues going on when she mentioned that she had started meditating again.

So it's in the air.  I literally had it come in from four separate sources yesterday.  Meditating is an important thing for me to do.  I need to calm myself and center my mind.  I have been thinking about it forever and it seems like the Universe is telling me it's time to get to it.

I need to find a quiet space.  And maybe try out those meditation apps tonight.

I am grateful for the acknowledgement that my journey has been a good one.
I am grateful that I have friends who are talking about meditating.
I am grateful for my ability to listen to the Universe when it's speaking.
I am grateful for my upcoming trip to Portland.
I am grateful that I can see how everything that has happened in my life has lead me here.
I am grateful that I have come a long way.
I am grateful that I can finally see how long that way has been and that I can appreciate it.

My Uncle Died Yesterday

My Uncle Dai Hing died yesterday.  He had been in a nursing home for years and he had a wife and family who were carrying for him.  My Uncle also raised my Dad for three years and was the whole reason my Dad moved out to California from Hawaii.

When we went to Hawaii last year to spread my Dad's ashes, I went to visit my Uncle in the nursing home.  I really thought I was just going to pay homage to him and fulfill a family obligation to see my sick uncle.  What happened was astounding and life-changing.  He looked like my Dad.  He talked to me in a way that was instructive and gentle, even though he didn't know who I was.  I had always thought about my Dad in relationship to his parents, but I never thought about the influence that my Uncle had on him.  I described this visit in a previous blog post as having my Dad back for an hour.

I couldn't figure out yesterday why I was feeling so melancholy.  I just figured I was tired.  I figured I needed a day to just be slow.  And now that I'm looking out at the windows of the library where I'm writing, I can see that Monday's weather is matching up with yesterday's feelings.  But I now realize that my reflective and frankly sad mood had something to do with my Uncle.

I don't know if I would go as far as to say that it's like losing my Dad all over again, but I feel like another part of him is gone.

I am grateful that I had that visit with Dai Hing last year.
I am grateful that our entire family took that trip to Hawaii together.
I am grateful that I allowed myself to be sad yesterday instead of fighting it.
I am grateful that I have the memories of my Dad and my Uncle to keep me company.

On a Spiritual Path...

What does that even mean?

I live in LA and over the years have listened to so many of my friends and acquaintances talk about how they're "not religious, but spiritual."  I even used to describe myself this way for years.  Now, I don't really defend myself.  If people want to think of me as religious, that's fine.  If they want to have a deeper conversation about life, then great.

Diana Nyad said something incredible about atheism about a year ago on an Oprah show.  "Just because I'm an atheist doesn't mean I'm not full of wonder."  That has to be the best description of atheism I've ever heard.  Here's a woman who has clearly communed with nature and felt the expanse and wonder of it.  There's a concentration and a tuning out of everything, a testing of one's body's limits, that in another context could be seen as a spiritual sojourn or quest.  Atheism does not mean closed off.  And religious or spiritual does not mean blind or naive or uninformed.  Actually, being native can be a wonderful thing.  It can mean childlike and fresh and full of wonder.

But all of those things are catchphrases.  To experience true naivety or wonder is an amazing thing.  It was naivety that got me on a plane to New York at 24 with no money in my pocket (well $800, but that's not much and I spent 1/4 of it on a dinner my first night in town).  Naivety is responsible for a great many adventures in my life.

I didn't know it at 24 or at 14 or at 30, but I have been on a journey for higher learning, higher understanding and higher consciousness my whole life.  It's even bigger than my worldly ambitions to be a career writer.  I do care more about my personal growth than my financial growth.  Maybe I'm ready to finally come out of the closet about that.

I don't have ambition. I thought for years that I did.  I thought that I was the most ambitious person I knew.  But what I thought was ambition was really curiosity.  I am endlessly curious about people, about life, about how we are the way we are.  I want to have experiences and I don't want to let any part of my life go unloved or my curiosity go unexplored.

When I was young, that curiosity had to do with education and had to do with exploring the world outside of my upbringing. At an early age, I knew I wanted to move to New York.  At an early age, I knew that I would get out of my small suburb.  I really was trying to get out of a consciousness that I could only do so much based on my physical circumstances: where I was from, who I was born to, what the belief system around me was.  I quickly did away with that.

Then as my world got bigger, my curiosity became about my talent.  Exploring that talent and that gift for all that it's worth.  Fortunately, my curiosities don't just go away.  I don't just move on from one to another.  They get compiled and added to the group.  I discovered my talent for writing truly in college and expanded that into graduate school.

Then I became more concerned with life and with gaining experience I didn't feel I had.  As I got older and more attractive, I became obsessed with sexuality.  And not addicted, per se.  I realize now that my curiosity was strong in whatever area I focused on.  And when I started to focus in on pleasure, well that became a real aphrodisiac, if you will.  As a young person in New York in my 20s, I had sex with strangers and I had sex with friends.  I went to sex parties.  I went to sexual bars.  I talked about sex. I thought about sex and I read about it.  I wrote about it. I connected with people through sex and found a real short-lived intimacy with some of these people.  It was all of these things at once: real, short lived and intimate.  None of those things were a contradiction.

And how sexuality lead me to intimacy and how intimacy lead me to myself and how my self lead to spirituality is really the journey of my life thus far.  It's why my plays are alternately and collectively about identity, creativity, sexuality and exploration.  My curiosity has opened me up to write about loss when I'm feeling loss.  Or about fathers and sons when I'm thinking about my own relationship with my father.  This journey has led me back to the place I started at.

I started writing as a way to interpret what I was seeing in the world.  It was a way for me to digest what I was learning.  It was a filter, a microscope, a telescope, binoculars, and a camera.  Sometimes it was my naked eye.

I have been on a part of my journey for the past ten years which led me outside of myself.  Some of that has been seeking approval outwardly.  Some of that has been very dangerous and a threat to my naivety and my curiosity.  But none of that ever went away, it just laid dormant and waited out the storm.  But the effect of the storm is that it decimated everything and forced me to rebuild, to reevaluate and to restore.

The reason I say that now I realize that I am curious and not ambitious is that if I was ambitious I would have said yes to an agent ten years ago.  I would have done everything in my power to climb the ladder of material success.  Ambition is seen purely as positive and as drive.  Curiosity in this instance was easily mistaken for lack of drive or laziness.  Some of it was fear, and fear was the catalyst of my 30s.  But I wanted to have experiences that would make me a deeper person and that is exactly what happened.  I got exactly what I wanted.  It took me to some dark places in my life.  It filled me with doubt and depression and put me in harms way through my own relationships with people who were addicts.

I realize now that my curiosity is what fuels me.  And it's an alternate fuel.  It can have the same power as ambition.  But while ambition is the straight path, curiosity is the scenic route.  Ambition is the plane ride.  Curiosity is the road trip.  It can be longer, but it's fuller.  It's more enriching.  It's taking time to stop at the sights and read the signs.  It's discovering a trail that's not in the guidebooks.

So I will still get to that destination: to being a relevant TV fiction writer.  I will staff on a show and create my own work.  I will be a writer of note.  But the person I am, in the skin I am in, will be different than the youngster who just wanted those things for outside validation.  I don't judge that, but I have always been seeking a fuller existence.  And that is what is right for me.  I believe that having a public presence is vital to living.  We have to share our experiences.  But how big that sphere is really is up to us.  We can expand or contain that sphere based on fear, based on our own needs, based on our need to share.

All of that can be both misguided and ordained.  I now understand the power of words.  A lot of this journey was about understanding the power of my gift.

Years ago my friend Brian said to me, "Oh, you're still at it."  Meaning writing.  And I felt a lot of shame after he said that because I felt like he was staying that I hadn't fulfilled my promise.  I heard him say, "Oh you're still at it."  It took me a long time to get over that.  And knowing Brian like I know him, I know he didn't intend it to come across as a core-shaking judgment.  I took it on that way.

But yes, I will still be at it for the rest of my life.  That's the idea.  It's not a destination that I will reach and then put my feet up.  I'm not done.

I'm still curious.  I haven't lived a life of expanse yet.  Not expense, but expanse.  I have not taken these lessons and curiosities global.  And I believe that's a part of my journey.  If all of this prosperity and gain is just for me, then I don't think it will be mine.  I don't think that's my deep purpose.  The journey is more than that.  My expanse has to benefit everyone.  My material wealth has to have a purpose.  My adventures to countries outside of the U.S. have to carry a greater resonance.  My joy has to mean more than just what benefits me.

So yes, I am still at it.  I am still curious.  And that's what keeps me connected to the fresh soul who arrived here to explore.  I might have more stamps on my passport, but I'm no less excited and curious as I was when I got my first one.

I am grateful for Super Soul Sunday's episode with Shirley Maclaine.  
I am grateful for Oprah.
I am grateful for these words that seemed to explain so much in ways I have not been able to access.
I am grateful for a life well lived and that will continue for years to come.
I am grateful for my curiosity.
I am grateful for the opportunity to satisfy my curiosity even more.
I am grateful for the distinction between curiosity and ambition.
I am grateful for the understanding and the acceptance that comes with that distinction.
I am grateful for the joy that understanding and acceptance bring me.
I am grateful for the peace that comes from that joy.