My Uncle Dai Hing died yesterday. He had been in a nursing home for years and he had a wife and family who were carrying for him. My Uncle also raised my Dad for three years and was the whole reason my Dad moved out to California from Hawaii.
When we went to Hawaii last year to spread my Dad's ashes, I went to visit my Uncle in the nursing home. I really thought I was just going to pay homage to him and fulfill a family obligation to see my sick uncle. What happened was astounding and life-changing. He looked like my Dad. He talked to me in a way that was instructive and gentle, even though he didn't know who I was. I had always thought about my Dad in relationship to his parents, but I never thought about the influence that my Uncle had on him. I described this visit in a previous blog post as having my Dad back for an hour.
I couldn't figure out yesterday why I was feeling so melancholy. I just figured I was tired. I figured I needed a day to just be slow. And now that I'm looking out at the windows of the library where I'm writing, I can see that Monday's weather is matching up with yesterday's feelings. But I now realize that my reflective and frankly sad mood had something to do with my Uncle.
I don't know if I would go as far as to say that it's like losing my Dad all over again, but I feel like another part of him is gone.
I am grateful that I had that visit with Dai Hing last year.
I am grateful that our entire family took that trip to Hawaii together.
I am grateful that I allowed myself to be sad yesterday instead of fighting it.
I am grateful that I have the memories of my Dad and my Uncle to keep me company.
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