Why So Scared?

Writing is the thing I do.  So it figures that I should be able to do it well, right?

It's my mission in life, or so I've told myself my whole life.  So it should come easy, right?

It shouldn't be so hard to sit down at the computer and do it.  But it is.  Often.  And because I have this expectation that I should be brilliant at the first draft and I should write five to ten scripts a year, I'm constantly in this place where I'm disappointed in myself.

It would be so easy to blame my father for his disapproval.  And because he's dead, I think I will.

Okay, I won't.  But I do have to change the patterns that allow me to give into that way of thinking. 

I'm REALLY trying hard to do that.  I've been doing all of this work in that direction for so long. 

Another convenient, yet untrue theory: Since my Dad died, karma should be knocking down my door to flood me with good fortune.  How I wish that were true.

Yet, I soldier on.  I went to the EDD office today to make sure I still qualified for unemployment benefits.  I had to listen to a video.  I had to make sure I was looking for work constantly.  It put me back in touch with the real world.  The world where people aren't trying to become writers or actors or musicians.  The world where people are chemists and bartenders and clinicians who have worked at their companies for 20 plus years and are now trying to figure out what they're going to do now. 

I'm lucky.  I've created a life where I still think that the pursuit of my life's dream is important.  I'm lucky that I even have a life's dream.  So with a life of such luxury, I need to stop complaining and keep writing.  Stop being scared. 

It's just blood, sweat and tears.  What's the big deal?

It's Not Easy Bein' Green

I have to admit something that I HATE admitting. 

I'm suffering from the case of the envies.  Yes, I am all shades of green lately.  Kelly, Olive, Forest, Neon, Lime, Grass...I can't shake it.

I have people in my life who are having all sorts of outward success.  Working on TV shows, plays being produced, movies being produced, books being published.  I suppose most people feel envious at one point or another.  But over the past several months that feeling has been in overdrive.  And it's ugly so I don't like to admit it that I would stoop to such a basic, regular, everyday, common, human level and feel something like envy.  I like to portray strength and above-it-all-ness.  I like people to think that I'm way to confident and secure in myself to give into something like envy.

But I do.  And I've been suffering from the envies for most of this year. 

Part of that started when I really got involved in my Dad's care.  I am truly glad that I had the chance to switch gears a little bit and care about something more than just my career.  But at the same time, I'm supposed to be a writer.  And I don't have a play that's being produced or published or even workshopped.  I wrote one play this year that I'm starting to send out.  I wrote a spec of GLEE that's already been rejected by one studio for a writer's workshop.  I'm waiting to hear about the other two studios who have similar programs.  I'm working on this pilot that I'm trying to finish and that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.   This is the second pilot in a row that doesn't feel like it's gelling.  And I have another idea for a comedy pilot that I want to write.  But I want to get this pilot finished before I write that.

Most of my friends tell me that I need to give myself a break and that my Dad just died two months ago.  The past year has been about his illness and then his death.  People say that it takes a while to recover.  But I don't like this place of limbo.  Can't my heart healing be a catalyst for great career success?  Isn't that the way karma's supposed to work?  Shitty thing happens to a person and then they get rewarded in another way?  I'm waiting for that windfall.

I don't like being jealous.  I should be happy for my friends successes.  It's horrible that I'm even admitting this on a blog.  But most things are making me jealous these days.  Too many things to figure.

But maybe that's forcing the question: What are you going to do about it?

How will this change my approach to my life?  It's unfair that I'm not as rich and as established and as successful as I think I should be.

I'm tired of being the poorest person people know.

I need a game changer.  Putting that out into the universe.

I"m changing.  I can value and appreciate that.  But is that happening fast enough?

This would be an example of a blog entry that might just be too honest.

Inside the Writer's Cave

Today I'm in the writer's cave.  It's 90 degrees out in the Valley.  I have Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations on in the background (currently on pause while I blog).  Here's a list of the day's events so far.

7:47 AM: Wake Up
8:02 AM: Brush Teeth
9:55 AM: Have oatmeal for breakfast
10 AM: Start watching NO RESERVATIONS
10:30 AM: Try to write
11:22 AM: Take a shower to wake up
11:39 AM: Start writing new blog entry

These are the sad days of a writer's life.  It's beautiful outside.  I"m actually hoping my friends return my earlier text and tell me to come over for pool time so I can continue my pattern of avoidance and procrastination.  I started the week slow, but by Friday I had 36 pages of my pilot rewrite done.

For the past two days I have been staring at the computer.  I have been to the movies.  I have been to see my Mom and to a friend's memorial service.  I came home yesterday and made some food.  I watched some TV and I went to bed.  Then I woke up this morning hoping the day would be a bit different.  No such luck. 

So I'm writing this blog entry as a way to expose my sorry existence as a writer.  The loneliness.  The desperate need for inspiration.  I know that once I leave the house for the day (if I do), then my mojo will be gone.  At least that's what I think.

I have three more acts for finsih.  Granted, they are small acts.  Most likely around 24 pages of material.  The problem is that new ideas are already floating around.  It's hard to write what you know you have to finish and what you've outlined when the new ideas start making their way into your consciousness.

When people read your work and tell you how much they liked it...this is what goes into it.  It's boring and it's torture.  Why am I doing this when I could be masturbating or drinking?

In Memoriam

This afternoon I attended a Celebration of Life party for a dear friend of mine and someone I used to work for.  I was a little hesitant about going.  The beach traffic heading to Santa Monica was going to be a bear!  Well, that's true too.  But the real reason I was a little worried was because I've been crying all week about my Dad and we never did a service for him, per his request.  But what I heard was beautiful and touching.

I heard the story of a man who loved his wife.  A couple who was so united in their love for each other that it touched everyone who was in their presence.  Every wonderful thing said about my friend Mary could be said about her husband Ken.  To be around them was to be filled with love.

These two people were so instrumental to my growth.  When I started working for them, I was recently out of my past relationship.  I had no idea how much it had affected me.  I was battered and bruised, not only from my relationship with my Ex, but from my relationship with my Ex Boss.  I was emotionally drained from taking care of those two men for several years. 

But they brought me into their inner circle. They trusted me.  They praised me and thought I was pretty terrific.And they let me know it.  I needed to know my value because I hadn't yet discovered it.  That laid the groundwork for a lot of healing for me.  But it also gave me the confidence to go teach when I was asked to do that.  And it let me know that someone praising me and telling me how much they appreciate me is a good thing.  Now I have a boyfriend who does that.

So I really owe them a lot.  And being surrounded by people who feel the exact same way about them as I feel about them was terrific.  Even though Mary has now passed, you can't think of Mary without thinking about Ken.  They were such a powerful force. 

One of the actors who worked on the pilot that I worked on with them talked about the lunches they'd share together because they always ran to the same supermarket at lunch time.

Someone talked about Mary encouraging her to write and telling this woman to just "bang it out."  Just get the draft done because there will always be time to rewrite.

Someone else talked about how not into organized religion she was and that reminded me of my Dad because they were so full of spirit and generosity without subscribing to any dogma.

And everyone talked about her laugh.  Her infectious laugh that just told you everything about her: she didn't take it all too seriously, she had a great sense of humor and that laugh came from a very deep place that was one hundred percent certain about being happy.

She was one amazing woman.

Tribute

When my Dad was dying, we had a conversation.  Actually, I talked because he wasn't able to talk any more.  I told him that I was going to fulfill the potential I knew I had and he knew I had.  I admitted that I probably had, on some subconscious level, held back.  I have this habit of deferring to men who represent some sort of father figure.

I've been on this cleanse for the past week.  I'm taking off weight.  I'm exercising and watching what I eat.  This has been the easiest cleanse of the one I completed, plus the two that I did half-assed.  And I realized that I'm sticking to it because of my Dad.  I have Congestive Heart Failure in my family.  I don't want to die prematurely because I didn't take care of myself.  Being healthy has very little to do with vanity, even though I check my stomach every day to see if I've lost any weight.  It has to do with living my potential.  I should be fit my whole life. 

I should write every day.  I should be making money full time as a writer.  So that's the next step.  If my Dad not living up to his potential is a motivating force for me in terms of my diet, it should also be a motivating force for me in terms of my ambition.  I'm still young, a fact I seem to forget.  I'm spirited, energetic, and baby-faced.

I have been the most productive this year out of any in my life.  And I need to continue that high level of productivity and get shit done.  I have a destiny to catch up to. 

I'm not going to watch the writing credits of TV shows with any sort of jealousy.  I'm going to step up and stand in the place I deserve to stand in.  Enough of this struggling thing because I think I have to continue to struggle to make the journey meaningful.  I entered this world struggling.  I've struggled enough.  My Dad struggled enough for me already.  It's time to take my rightful place in the life I should be living.

The Cleanse Continues: What I'm Actually Getting Rid Of

Or...More Letting Go.

The surface reason to do a cleanse is to get thinner: to get rid of weight.  I'm all for being a bit thinner and having my clothes look better on.  It's a purely aesthetic thing.  I like clean lines and I don't like it when anyone--especially myself--wears something tight and the rolls are moving.  I have a friend whose husband wears shirts that are way too tight for him and it looks wrong.  He's not heavy, but the look seems off.  But for myself, I like to look slender and toned.  My arms look good.  My legs look great.  I even have a descent chest.  But none of that can be showcased when I have too much around the middle.

Going a little deeper...I also want to get rid of waste.  Fat is waste.  It's unnecessary.  And it eventually grows and leads to other health issues.  So even though I look good with clothes on, there's a lot going on underneath that just seems necessary.  But I also like being on my cleanse, drinking my detox tea and taking my colon cleanse, and watching the waste exit my body like it should.  When I'm not using colon cleanse or I'm not cleansing, I take great effort to go to the bathroom.  It's great to go to the bathroom and know that nothing is getting stuck inside of me.  It helps my intestines and my immune system work better.  So I'm getting rid of as much waste as possible.

And to go even deeper...there's a lot of "waste", a lot of "empty calories" that I don't need to hold onto in my life.  Those are toxins that need to come out as well.

What's wasteful in my life?  Good question.

Here are a few things I"m working on:
cigarettes - I only have a few every once in a while, but it's not helpful or productive
sugar - or things that turn into sugar.  I don't have a sweet tooth.  I might not need sugar.
judgment - I do it to myself.  I do it to others.  Let it go.
jealousy - If things aren't where I want them to be, I need to fix it.  Also, my path looks different from someone else's path.  Just as I look different from other people.  Stop comparing.
too many commitments - I can thin things out in my life.  There are things I love and enjoy.  I should just do those things.  I'm old enough to know what I like and what I don't.  I don't have to compromise as much in this area.

And what do I over indulge in?
drinking - it's fun.  but I also like being sober every once in a while.
cheese/dairy - I love the high end stuff.  The other stuff, I can do without.  It doesn't have to be an every day thing.  Although, I do have a weakness for ice cream.  But I also LOVE sorbet.
food - I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm bored.  And because I look all right and I can move around, I don't think anything of just shoveling food in my mouth.
TV - it's true.  I don't like to admit it.  I love it.  But there could be less of it.  OW!  That hurts.
Computer time - ditto.
pressure/competition - I think there's something good about putting pressure on myself and holding myself accountable.  But the expectations are insurmountable and make things feel impossible, that's not good.  But there's nothing wrong with a catalyst for change and growth.
noise - that can include some of the things above.  But I also need to focus on stillness and being quiet.  Finding more times and places to just be quiet.  I try not to listen to the radio in my car all of the time.  I appreciate the silence.

Cleansing makes me think about what I put in to my body and bring into my life.  I think that's positive.  And the act of cleansing is a reminder to be conscious.  So I'm going to focus on that for the next two weeks and see where that brings me.

September 11th

So yesterday was a bit rough for me.  It was both  the eleventh anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York (where I lived at the time) and it was the day I had to go pick up my Dad's ashes from the Neptune Society. 

I couldn't get out of bed on Monday, just thinking about it.  And I couldn't figure out why I felt so unmotivated.  Of course my lack of motivation made me feel like a loser.  I have this time to write where I'm not going into an office and I'm WASTING it.  That's the thought that went through my mind.  I did everything else though: gym, dance class, eating, grocery shopping, doing laundry, doing dishes, masturbating, etc.

I watched THE VOICE on NBC and was crying buckets. 

Then I woke up early on Tuesday and tried to get some work done.  No dice.  Then I made the long trek from Burbank to San Pedro.  Grey skies.  My mood was getting darker as the sky darkened.  I drove to the Neptune Society office, told them who I was there to pick up, waited in an office for ten minutes, the woman came back out with a purple tote bag and a box with my Dad's remains in them.  I thanked her and then slipped out the door and drove off. 

Was this a drug drop off?

I had him.  Everything he was to my physically was now gone.  I thought about the bible quote about us being ashes and returning to ashes.  I thought about the twin towers and how they burned to ashes along with the people who burned to ashes that day.  I thought of the smell of burning that went through my neighborhood in Park Slope that day and for many days afterward.  I thought about two events that changed me forever. 

I never cried on September 11th, but the anniversaries of that event make me cry every year.  It's the same thing with my Dad.  I didn't cry the day he died.  But I've had many moments in the seven weeks since where I've cried alone. 

Just like the ashes from the Towers signaled the end of the person I was before September 11th, 2001...the ashes of my Father signal the end of the person I was before July 23, 2012.  I embrace the difference and I walk in that difference.  I don't want to be that person I was before because that person was gone.  Just like the person I was before November 1, 2010.

And like a Phoenix (my favorite character in the Marvel Universe, btw)...I will rise from those ashes.

Cleansing Update

As I've mentioned previously, my two previous attempts to cleanse this year were barely successful.  Actually one was a big fail.  That happened while I was travelling.  And the second cleanse attempt happened while my father was still alive and sick.  That ended in a big martini being plunked down in front of me by my friend Victor.What I realized was that I wasn't doing those cleanses for myself.  I did the first one because it was the start of the year and I thought that I should kick off the year with a cleanse.  But there was no real intention behind it.  The second cleanse I only did because my boyfriend was doing his cleanse at the same time.

This one has significance.  I'm cleaning house.  I'm a fatherless child...or at least my Dad isn't alive anymore.  So I've been taking inventory, which is what one does in these situations.  Well, it's what I do.  I want to feel lighter and less burdened: by excess weight, by judgment, by this heavy burden that I constantly put on myself to be excellent in two seconds.  It's that sort of pressure that has rendered me immobile for the past several years.

The juice cleanse ended better than expected.  That first day of those horrible juice sludges that Tim made me drink almost derailed me.  There's a reason people invest in a juicer.  All of that pulp felt awful.  But I had made a commitment and even though Tim wasn't continuing, I needed to.

So Day Two started with the Greens 2 from Pressed Juicery.  I then went to the spa and detoxed.  Then I went to Whole Foods and had them make me a beet and carrot juice.  Then I came home and peed out of my butt.  It looked like I was hemorrhaging.  I can only make light of it because my had hemorrhaged before he died.  Well, maybe that's STILL in bad taste.  But it's a true story, so I can make light of it.  Then I did a master cleanse drink with lemon juice, water, cayenne and honey.  I can't believe Beyonce drank that to lose 20 pounds to film Dreamgirls.  That's crazy.  And I capped it off with two more juices and some almond milk at the end of the day.  I got a headache from hunger that night and ate some cucumber, then felt better and went to bed.

I woke up on Day Three thinking that maybe I could do it for several more days.  But that feeling soon dissipated after a Greens juice, a Roots juice, a Master Cleanse and another Greens juice.  But it set me off on a good path because when I raided Craft Services on set at my best friend's TV show, I had almonds, water, a thai salad roll and some hummus and veggies.  Then had some vegan Thai for dinner.

I stuck to it all weekend. Drinking watermelon and cucumber juice instead of margaritas at Vic and Steve's as we laid by the pool.  I took a dance class on Monday night and I'm taking another one tonight.  I went to the gym on Monday and  I'm hitting the gym again today.  I've already been on a run.  I'm showering regularly to remove the toxins when I sweat.  I'm drinking detox tea and tons of water.

I just want to get rid of the things that aren't working.  These cleanses tend to bring certain emotional toxins to the surface and this cleanse is no exception.  I had been really had on Monday and Tuesday.  I wasn't feeling productive or useful.  My boyfriend is out of town and this was supposed to be time for me to be super productive. But I wasn't feeling that way.  I was feeling lazy and dumb and not cool and like a big loser because I don't have a big TV show on the air yet.  All the voices inside my head (many of which my Dad put there) were speaking loudly and over each other.

Maybe some of that had to do with the fact that I knew I had to pick up his ashes yesterday.  I didn't want to get out of bed on Monday.  I just wanted to keep the curtains drawn, pull the covers over my head and wallow.  But I forced myself out.  I watched a lot of TV that day.  The season or series premieres of Anderson Live, Wendy Williams, Katie, The Voice, and so on and so on.  I decided to let myself be where I was.  I danced it away and just enjoyed myself.  \

That made yesterday easier, but not easy.  I drove to San Pedro to pick up my Dad's ashes and it just seemed so final.  It was shitty outside: grey and overcast.  And it was September 11th.  The perfect day to be sad and gloomy.  Everyone was along there with me.

But if this is my season of Letting Go, I've certainly logged a bunch of miles doing it.  He's gone and been reduced to ashes.  The body that was no longer exists.  It has been burned.  That judgment and that pain that he felt and passed on to me is gone too.  It's a toxin that I'm burning out of my body by working out and sweating and disposing of by cleaning out my body.

I took the biggest shit of my life this morning.  I've been using psyllium husk power as well.  And when I looked at that pile of shit in my toilet, I thought about the shit that I've dealt with and endured and held on to and created for myself.  Then I flushed it down the toilet.

And now I feel lighter.

Juicing: Cleanse Day One, Juice Two

This one had pineapple, apple, mint and lime.  Way more refreshing than the last one.  And tastier. 

SO the verdict is that Juice One would be better purchased at Pressed Juicery.  Juice Two was tasty and could be made at home.  Juice Three is the master cleanse.  That's going to scare me.

Tim and I have been writing all morning.  We are heading to yoga this afternoon, then the farmer's market and then back here to write more.  Keeping ourselves busy.

I'm a bit sleepy.  I'm not sure if it's the weather or the cleanse.  But I might be ready for an afternoon nap before watching the DNC tonight.  I"m starting to feel a bit wiped out.

Here's hoping that yoga will reinvigorate me.

Juicing: Day One, Juice One

I decided last week that it would be in my best interest to start a juice cleanse.  When I saw my friend Tim for a hike over the holiday weekend, he decided that he would do it with me.  I was just going to pick up three juices a day from Pressed Juicery in West Hollywood, drink lots of water, and make veggie broth and give myself a bit of a liquid cleanse for three days.  Tim decided that he was going to try and make the juices at home using a blender.  He had seen recipes on a website that replicated the juices from the Blueprint Cleanse, but using a blender.

I was skeptical.  I liked the idea of just going to pick up my juices every morning. But I wanted to be supportive of Tim. 

So now I'm in his apartment--because we thought that having a "study hall" day where I come over and write would be good for us as well--and I'm drinking my second 8 oz green juice.  The first was 16 oz.  And it's more of a shake than a juice.  Well, actually, it's a bit more of a chopped salad.  I wonder if I can get away with adding some kalamata olives, feta cheese, olive oil, basil and garlic to this.  I'm drinking more because I want to get full. 

When I was half way through my first glass, I told Tim: "I can feel something moving."  Five minutes later I was in the bathroom.  Cleansing.

Why am I doing this again?  Oh, yeah.  I want to get rid of things I don't need.  I want to come back to a truer sense of self, only carrying with me exactly what I need.  And my boyfriends going to be gone for three weeks, so I'm telling myself that I want to look super hot for him when he comes home.  That's the vain part of me speaking.  But I really want to change my routine around. 

I shaved my head again yesterday, six weeks to the day I did it before.  My Dad's been gone for six weeks.  I think it's time to start making some changes.  I think I need to really set a schedule for myself.  That's what I'm trying to do as well, so that when the Drummer returns, I will have a set schedule for myself that I will stick to.

Oh, so here's the juice I'm drinking:
kale
celery
apple
lemon
parsley
spinach
cucumber
romaine

Mmmm...hopefully it'll make my cum taste better.  Or maybe that'll be the pineapple and apple juice I'll be trying later.  Yum.

Reboot: Cleanse 3.0

Okay, so I'm going to do a juice cleanse starting tomorrow.  This will be my third attempt at a cleanse this year.

1) I didn't finish.  I tried to do it during the beginning of the year while I was travelling.  Not that successful.  It was a repeat of the 21 day immunity cleanse I did last year.

2) I decided to do when the Drummer was doing his cleanse.  I lost 10 pounds.  But I've since gained some back.  This was during an intense part of my father's illness.

3) I'm kicking it off with a juice cleanse.  Then going into the second week of my 21 day cleanse when I cut out white flour, sugar, all meat, soy, tobacco, alcohol, caffeine and cooking with oil.  And all preservatives.

Why?

The Drummer is on tour.  He's gone for three weeks.  This is the first time I've had to myself since my Dad died.  And I think I need some uninterrupted me time while he's gone.  One of the healthy things I want to do for myself is to cleanse myself of things I don't need.  I have weight I don't need.  I have toxins in my body I don't need.  I actually have some people in my life I don't need right now either.  I want to cleanse my body first with a deep juice cleanse and then I want to just live as purely and raw as possible.  Just for a bit to see what I can take away from that.  It's like a retreat from my regular life.

I'm going to try and be a bit quieter as well.  Reading lots of books and finishing this pilot I'm supposed to be reading.  Maybe some spa time as well.  But really just some time to focus, to rest, to write and to be with my thoughts.

I'm stripping down!  Maybe I'll go do some nude beaching at some point too.  I just need to strip some things away.  Cleanses have the tendency to be emotional.  And I wouldn't mind a bit of emotion.  Not at all.  That would not be a bad thing at all.

I feel I need to strip away some of the dead skin that's hanging off of me since my Dad died.  It's like losing a bunch of weight and getting surgery to trim the hanging fat.  I'm tightening myself up.