As I've mentioned previously, my two previous attempts to cleanse this year were barely successful. Actually one was a big fail. That happened while I was travelling. And the second cleanse attempt happened while my father was still alive and sick. That ended in a big martini being plunked down in front of me by my friend Victor.What I realized was that I wasn't doing those cleanses for myself. I did the first one because it was the start of the year and I thought that I should kick off the year with a cleanse. But there was no real intention behind it. The second cleanse I only did because my boyfriend was doing his cleanse at the same time.
This one has significance. I'm cleaning house. I'm a fatherless child...or at least my Dad isn't alive anymore. So I've been taking inventory, which is what one does in these situations. Well, it's what I do. I want to feel lighter and less burdened: by excess weight, by judgment, by this heavy burden that I constantly put on myself to be excellent in two seconds. It's that sort of pressure that has rendered me immobile for the past several years.
The juice cleanse ended better than expected. That first day of those horrible juice sludges that Tim made me drink almost derailed me. There's a reason people invest in a juicer. All of that pulp felt awful. But I had made a commitment and even though Tim wasn't continuing, I needed to.
So Day Two started with the Greens 2 from Pressed Juicery. I then went to the spa and detoxed. Then I went to Whole Foods and had them make me a beet and carrot juice. Then I came home and peed out of my butt. It looked like I was hemorrhaging. I can only make light of it because my had hemorrhaged before he died. Well, maybe that's STILL in bad taste. But it's a true story, so I can make light of it. Then I did a master cleanse drink with lemon juice, water, cayenne and honey. I can't believe Beyonce drank that to lose 20 pounds to film Dreamgirls. That's crazy. And I capped it off with two more juices and some almond milk at the end of the day. I got a headache from hunger that night and ate some cucumber, then felt better and went to bed.
I woke up on Day Three thinking that maybe I could do it for several more days. But that feeling soon dissipated after a Greens juice, a Roots juice, a Master Cleanse and another Greens juice. But it set me off on a good path because when I raided Craft Services on set at my best friend's TV show, I had almonds, water, a thai salad roll and some hummus and veggies. Then had some vegan Thai for dinner.
I stuck to it all weekend. Drinking watermelon and cucumber juice instead of margaritas at Vic and Steve's as we laid by the pool. I took a dance class on Monday night and I'm taking another one tonight. I went to the gym on Monday and I'm hitting the gym again today. I've already been on a run. I'm showering regularly to remove the toxins when I sweat. I'm drinking detox tea and tons of water.
I just want to get rid of the things that aren't working. These cleanses tend to bring certain emotional toxins to the surface and this cleanse is no exception. I had been really had on Monday and Tuesday. I wasn't feeling productive or useful. My boyfriend is out of town and this was supposed to be time for me to be super productive. But I wasn't feeling that way. I was feeling lazy and dumb and not cool and like a big loser because I don't have a big TV show on the air yet. All the voices inside my head (many of which my Dad put there) were speaking loudly and over each other.
Maybe some of that had to do with the fact that I knew I had to pick up his ashes yesterday. I didn't want to get out of bed on Monday. I just wanted to keep the curtains drawn, pull the covers over my head and wallow. But I forced myself out. I watched a lot of TV that day. The season or series premieres of Anderson Live, Wendy Williams, Katie, The Voice, and so on and so on. I decided to let myself be where I was. I danced it away and just enjoyed myself. \
That made yesterday easier, but not easy. I drove to San Pedro to pick up my Dad's ashes and it just seemed so final. It was shitty outside: grey and overcast. And it was September 11th. The perfect day to be sad and gloomy. Everyone was along there with me.
But if this is my season of Letting Go, I've certainly logged a bunch of miles doing it. He's gone and been reduced to ashes. The body that was no longer exists. It has been burned. That judgment and that pain that he felt and passed on to me is gone too. It's a toxin that I'm burning out of my body by working out and sweating and disposing of by cleaning out my body.
I took the biggest shit of my life this morning. I've been using psyllium husk power as well. And when I looked at that pile of shit in my toilet, I thought about the shit that I've dealt with and endured and held on to and created for myself. Then I flushed it down the toilet.
And now I feel lighter.
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