I just saw Juliana Marguiles' husband on the SAG Awards. I need to aim higher.
But in the meantime, I have excellence that I need to pursue. I have scripts I need to turn in. Scripts I need to start. Hair I need to maintain. A body I need to capitalize on and keep strong. And a wit to continue to use.
New Haven asked me last night if it was important to keep my body in shape. I hesitated. But I don't hesitate now. Yeah, it's fucking important. It's important to keep my discipline up in all areas. It's important to have tons of energy. It's important to live another 70 years so my life can truly have three or four acts. It's important for people to want to come up to me because they like the way I look, then it's important to hook them in with what I have upstairs and surprise them with what I have working downstairs. And to keep surprising them. Stamina is important. And it's important to be completely conscious of what goes into my body, not only for health's sake, but because when I eat a hot fudge sundae, I want to enjoy every chocolatey bite. And I want to know that I earned it.
It's a whole other world here in LA. I was just talking to my friend Susan this morning. And even as writers, we have to keep it together. Our bodies exude confidence and it's only a first impression. It does not shrink the size of our brains or make us superficial. I want to walk into a room and own it. But before I can own it by commanding the room, I need to look the part. Oddly enough, that's a lesson that I learned from my ex. Of course, the buck doesn't stop there. But a lasting first impression is a good thing. It's my job to look good, to speak well, to be funny and to get it right on the page.
And if I'm a good person, that married with my dedication to reading, writing and working out, hopefully I'll land a hottie that has the same dedication to reading writing and working out.
So thank you, Juliana Marguiles for letting me know that it indeed can be done.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Now Leaving New Haven
Well, it was maybe bound to happen. New Haven and I aren't "going on dates" anymore. I can't say that I didn't see this happening. I had sent New Haven an email the other day to plan out date on Saturday. In it, I suggested that maybe I could come over and make him dinner and maybe give him a back rub and get him naked.
Apparently the wrong thing to say. Because that resulted in not hearing from him for an entire day. And then an email late on Friday night suggesting we go see a movie. All that was fine, but then he said that we should just meet up at the theatre. This is where my paranoia or extra sensory perception kicked in. I thought it was weird that he wanted to meet up vs. me coming to his place first and then maybe us having some naked time together before or after the movie and dinner. Something was up.
I had conversations with friends who told me not to make a big deal out of it. And that was good advice, but something seemed weird. This is me. I get effusive. I start talking about how I feel and it either works or it doesn't. To be fair, I was starting to think of what it would be like to truly start dating New Haven. And what I suggested in the email sounded like something a boyfriend might suggest. It could have just as well been about hot casual sex.
The date went fine. Then after the movie I found out he walked to the theatre, so I offered to give him a ride home. We sat in my car and he wanted to talk about something. Where we were going. I had a sinking feeling.
At first he took the "it's not you, it's me" approach. He said that I had just gotten out of a relationship and had been hurt. And he didn't want to go down the road further to see what might happen and then be the source for more pain. I didn't buy that approach. I wanted to know how he felt about me separate from my recent break up and the potential pain he might cause given my sensitive state.
He said he had doubts. I took the opportunity to mention that I had doubts too. And that I had kind of offered that up to the fact that I had just left my boyfriend of five years three months ago. But that it was okay. If he's not feeling it and we're both not sure if we want it to go to the next level, then we need to be responsible and end it now.
I know that New Haven is a bit of a caretaker and a wonderful person. But I also know that I need directness in my life right now. And it could be that "he's just not that into me." I assured him that if I could survive a five year relationship that was emotionally abusive in some ways, that I could survive the end of "going out on a few dates" with someone over the course of a couple months. I didn't want to be insensitive, but I also didn't want him worrying about me.
I said this to him in the car and I'll say it here. I'm grateful to him for helping get me through the first few months of being single. He is sweet and romantic. He's a talker. He's a doer. He has a lot of qualities that I'm looking for. And sure, it's better to get out before any one gets hurt. I was willing to give it more time. But I'm not going to convince someone to like me if they don't.
I also laughed and said that we've been down this road before. So if there's an Act three, then so be it. I started to care for New Haven, I admit it. It could be the rebound talking. It could be that I have genuine feelings. I don't know. I think we handled things like adults. And I feel like I have someone in my life who is more of a friend than he was over the past five and a half years we've known each other.
I have a better idea of what I want now. And that's good. I need to be single. I need to fuck around. I need to take full advantage of this time. And maybe I wouldn't be able to if I jumped into a relationship with New Haven. But I also know that this was great and that it was necessary. And I know that I was starting to look at him with an eye towards relationship. But I'm also good with this being the end of looking at him as a romantic interest and just viewing him as a good friend.
Leaving New Haven and now going to bed.
Apparently the wrong thing to say. Because that resulted in not hearing from him for an entire day. And then an email late on Friday night suggesting we go see a movie. All that was fine, but then he said that we should just meet up at the theatre. This is where my paranoia or extra sensory perception kicked in. I thought it was weird that he wanted to meet up vs. me coming to his place first and then maybe us having some naked time together before or after the movie and dinner. Something was up.
I had conversations with friends who told me not to make a big deal out of it. And that was good advice, but something seemed weird. This is me. I get effusive. I start talking about how I feel and it either works or it doesn't. To be fair, I was starting to think of what it would be like to truly start dating New Haven. And what I suggested in the email sounded like something a boyfriend might suggest. It could have just as well been about hot casual sex.
The date went fine. Then after the movie I found out he walked to the theatre, so I offered to give him a ride home. We sat in my car and he wanted to talk about something. Where we were going. I had a sinking feeling.
At first he took the "it's not you, it's me" approach. He said that I had just gotten out of a relationship and had been hurt. And he didn't want to go down the road further to see what might happen and then be the source for more pain. I didn't buy that approach. I wanted to know how he felt about me separate from my recent break up and the potential pain he might cause given my sensitive state.
He said he had doubts. I took the opportunity to mention that I had doubts too. And that I had kind of offered that up to the fact that I had just left my boyfriend of five years three months ago. But that it was okay. If he's not feeling it and we're both not sure if we want it to go to the next level, then we need to be responsible and end it now.
I know that New Haven is a bit of a caretaker and a wonderful person. But I also know that I need directness in my life right now. And it could be that "he's just not that into me." I assured him that if I could survive a five year relationship that was emotionally abusive in some ways, that I could survive the end of "going out on a few dates" with someone over the course of a couple months. I didn't want to be insensitive, but I also didn't want him worrying about me.
I said this to him in the car and I'll say it here. I'm grateful to him for helping get me through the first few months of being single. He is sweet and romantic. He's a talker. He's a doer. He has a lot of qualities that I'm looking for. And sure, it's better to get out before any one gets hurt. I was willing to give it more time. But I'm not going to convince someone to like me if they don't.
I also laughed and said that we've been down this road before. So if there's an Act three, then so be it. I started to care for New Haven, I admit it. It could be the rebound talking. It could be that I have genuine feelings. I don't know. I think we handled things like adults. And I feel like I have someone in my life who is more of a friend than he was over the past five and a half years we've known each other.
I have a better idea of what I want now. And that's good. I need to be single. I need to fuck around. I need to take full advantage of this time. And maybe I wouldn't be able to if I jumped into a relationship with New Haven. But I also know that this was great and that it was necessary. And I know that I was starting to look at him with an eye towards relationship. But I'm also good with this being the end of looking at him as a romantic interest and just viewing him as a good friend.
Leaving New Haven and now going to bed.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
A Preview
This is why I'm going to enjoy my date tonight with New Haven. I'm going to come in and say, "Hey New Haven, I just watched the Fran Liebowitz documentary that Martin Scorese directed for HBO." And he won't say, "Who?"
I enjoy a backroom blowjob as much as the next guy. But if you really want to turn me on, stimulate my brain. Let me talk about Fran Liebowitz! Boner alert!
I'm so fucking serious. There was that guy on Top Chef who had a Culinary Boner. I have literary boners. Intellectual boners. Theatrical boners. Well, that one cuts both ways. I've had boners that were pretty theatrical. In nature. And sometimes while I was in nature. But I get it up for things that make their way to my brain. And while New Haven has the most lucious head of hair and pinchable cheeks and sexy voice, what really gets me is his use of french phrases I marginally understand.
Such as Raison d'etre or fin de sicle.
We have this date planned (and now I'm getting in the practice of explaining what the date should be before the actual date - a preview vs. a review. It's safer that way). We're going to the Arclight to see the Green Hornet. I won't even go into the subtext of us going to see a movie starring Seth Rogen and some Asian dude. But that's the choice, which I'm fully on board for. Trust me, there will be some on going joke that will serve as a runner throughout the evening on that very subject.
We're going to the Arclight and we're meeting up at 7. We will then go to the Arclight cafe where we will be asked what time our movie is: 8:20. And then we will sit down and enjoy the predictable fare at the Arclight Cafe until 8:10. We'll walk up or down to the theatre. Then I'll have to get snacks. I will probably tell New Haven that he is not allowed to have any of my popcorn because of his diet. He'll try to fight me on it. And then we'll go to our seats.
Okay, so do we seem like an old married couple. No. An old married couple would be bickering more. I'm being (or will be) politely bossy. There's a difference. I'm not going to nag. I'm not going to bring it up next Tuesday at bridge with the Mendelsons. And I might give him a handjob in the movie theatre depending on how boring it is and how adventurous I feel.
And for any provincial people out there, in MY world Fran Liebowitz exists right next to the guy giving handjobs in the movie theatre. And in this scenario that would make my world New York City circa 1977.
I enjoy a backroom blowjob as much as the next guy. But if you really want to turn me on, stimulate my brain. Let me talk about Fran Liebowitz! Boner alert!
I'm so fucking serious. There was that guy on Top Chef who had a Culinary Boner. I have literary boners. Intellectual boners. Theatrical boners. Well, that one cuts both ways. I've had boners that were pretty theatrical. In nature. And sometimes while I was in nature. But I get it up for things that make their way to my brain. And while New Haven has the most lucious head of hair and pinchable cheeks and sexy voice, what really gets me is his use of french phrases I marginally understand.
Such as Raison d'etre or fin de sicle.
We have this date planned (and now I'm getting in the practice of explaining what the date should be before the actual date - a preview vs. a review. It's safer that way). We're going to the Arclight to see the Green Hornet. I won't even go into the subtext of us going to see a movie starring Seth Rogen and some Asian dude. But that's the choice, which I'm fully on board for. Trust me, there will be some on going joke that will serve as a runner throughout the evening on that very subject.
We're going to the Arclight and we're meeting up at 7. We will then go to the Arclight cafe where we will be asked what time our movie is: 8:20. And then we will sit down and enjoy the predictable fare at the Arclight Cafe until 8:10. We'll walk up or down to the theatre. Then I'll have to get snacks. I will probably tell New Haven that he is not allowed to have any of my popcorn because of his diet. He'll try to fight me on it. And then we'll go to our seats.
Okay, so do we seem like an old married couple. No. An old married couple would be bickering more. I'm being (or will be) politely bossy. There's a difference. I'm not going to nag. I'm not going to bring it up next Tuesday at bridge with the Mendelsons. And I might give him a handjob in the movie theatre depending on how boring it is and how adventurous I feel.
And for any provincial people out there, in MY world Fran Liebowitz exists right next to the guy giving handjobs in the movie theatre. And in this scenario that would make my world New York City circa 1977.
Mojorama
This one is for Howie:
I went out last night by myself. I had planned to meet a friend of mine out, but had forgotten I didn't have his cell number. So I took a bit of a risk and decided to head out to MJ's by myself.
When I walked in the bar, I was kind of feeling myself. I looked good in my purple plaid shirt and jeans. I was smoking cigarettes (which I don't do that often anymore, for anyone who's about to comment). And the hair was kind of soft and sweeping. I knew I looked good.
So I'm having my first beer, watching the strippers, and looking out at the crowd. At this point, which is about 11 PM, it's not empty and it's not crowded. Lots of Silverlake types: ironic mustaches, acid washed jeans, tank tops, scruffy faces. And I smoke a cigarette. I don't see my friend anywhere. I guess he decided not to show up.
I get another beer. I decide that after this beer, I'm going to leave. I'm not feeling anxious, but I'm not feeling like I need to be out. PORN! It's like I'm a dog--SQUIRREL!
Porn on the big screen is an interesting proposition. Because it's blown up (pun intended) big, it's either GREAT if it's a good scene or it's THE WORST SHIT EVER if it's a bad scene. It magnifies what was good or bad about the scene originally. This is pretty good: a guy is blindfolded, his body is cut, he's blond and he's getting his cock teased by this guy, who then proceeds to blow him. Hotness.
So I do a few laps around the bar. Have a few more cigarettes. It's time to go. I'm half way done with my beer, then:
These two guys grab me.
1: "Hi."
2: "Hi."
Me: "Hey."
1: "You're cute."
2: "You're hot."
I smile politely.
1 unbuttons my shirt.
2 helps him.
1 grabs my head.
2 sticks his tongue down my throat.
1 opens my shirt.
2 licks my left nipple.
1 licks my right nipple.
2 grabs my junk.
1 grabs 2's junk.
I grab 1's junk.
1, 2 and me all start making out.
I think: "Is this really happening? I know it's dark, but I actually think these guys might be cute. And they're making out with me! This is amazing!"
I check my wallet. Whew! Still there.
I couldn't help but think this was some ploy to prey on innocent me and steal my money. Cute guys have never just grabbed me and made out with me. Okay, I know. They were a little tipsy. The one who had the blond hair and the scruffy beard was probably on something. And the other one, who I ended up talking to more, was at least buzzed.
We then separated ourselves. I think his name was Casey. I have his number. He's visiting from Oahu and was down in San Diego for a conference. He has a real job. I don't remember what it is. But he's cute. And in the light of the street lamp out front as we're smoking, I still think he's cute. We go have a smoke and meat this guy, Stan. Small, Hispanic, aggressive Stan. Cutting to the chase: they end up pulling their dicks out and start stroking each other. I kind of watch because even though I'm not opposed to a friendly stroke session in broad nightlight, I think it's wiser to enjoy the show. And this being a gay bar and a GOOD, FUN gay bar, everyone goes about their conversations without REALLY noticing. It was the hotness.
Stan suggests that we go home with him, only a block away and get down. Then his friends call him over and he leaves. Casey and I figure that he's forgotten about us. Then his friend Clint, the blond scruffy dude, texts him. He's in the car and he's waiting. Clint was fucking wasted, but at least he had the good sense to put himself to bed. In the car. I said good night to Casey (if that's his name) and I went home.
So maybe I see Casey before he leaves on Sunday. Maybe I don't. But it was a nice conversation with a cute guy, a little making out and a reminder that I can still have fun. I can have my mojo. I can have another guy who I'm testing the waters with. Life is full of variety and spontaneity. And it's another confirmation that when you take a risk, you can have unexpected, silly, dirty, hard on inducing rewards. And that's exactly what happened last night.
Then I went to bed, walked the dogs that I'm dogsitting and got a good night's sleep. What's on board for today?
I went out last night by myself. I had planned to meet a friend of mine out, but had forgotten I didn't have his cell number. So I took a bit of a risk and decided to head out to MJ's by myself.
When I walked in the bar, I was kind of feeling myself. I looked good in my purple plaid shirt and jeans. I was smoking cigarettes (which I don't do that often anymore, for anyone who's about to comment). And the hair was kind of soft and sweeping. I knew I looked good.
So I'm having my first beer, watching the strippers, and looking out at the crowd. At this point, which is about 11 PM, it's not empty and it's not crowded. Lots of Silverlake types: ironic mustaches, acid washed jeans, tank tops, scruffy faces. And I smoke a cigarette. I don't see my friend anywhere. I guess he decided not to show up.
I get another beer. I decide that after this beer, I'm going to leave. I'm not feeling anxious, but I'm not feeling like I need to be out. PORN! It's like I'm a dog--SQUIRREL!
Porn on the big screen is an interesting proposition. Because it's blown up (pun intended) big, it's either GREAT if it's a good scene or it's THE WORST SHIT EVER if it's a bad scene. It magnifies what was good or bad about the scene originally. This is pretty good: a guy is blindfolded, his body is cut, he's blond and he's getting his cock teased by this guy, who then proceeds to blow him. Hotness.
So I do a few laps around the bar. Have a few more cigarettes. It's time to go. I'm half way done with my beer, then:
These two guys grab me.
1: "Hi."
2: "Hi."
Me: "Hey."
1: "You're cute."
2: "You're hot."
I smile politely.
1 unbuttons my shirt.
2 helps him.
1 grabs my head.
2 sticks his tongue down my throat.
1 opens my shirt.
2 licks my left nipple.
1 licks my right nipple.
2 grabs my junk.
1 grabs 2's junk.
I grab 1's junk.
1, 2 and me all start making out.
I think: "Is this really happening? I know it's dark, but I actually think these guys might be cute. And they're making out with me! This is amazing!"
I check my wallet. Whew! Still there.
I couldn't help but think this was some ploy to prey on innocent me and steal my money. Cute guys have never just grabbed me and made out with me. Okay, I know. They were a little tipsy. The one who had the blond hair and the scruffy beard was probably on something. And the other one, who I ended up talking to more, was at least buzzed.
We then separated ourselves. I think his name was Casey. I have his number. He's visiting from Oahu and was down in San Diego for a conference. He has a real job. I don't remember what it is. But he's cute. And in the light of the street lamp out front as we're smoking, I still think he's cute. We go have a smoke and meat this guy, Stan. Small, Hispanic, aggressive Stan. Cutting to the chase: they end up pulling their dicks out and start stroking each other. I kind of watch because even though I'm not opposed to a friendly stroke session in broad nightlight, I think it's wiser to enjoy the show. And this being a gay bar and a GOOD, FUN gay bar, everyone goes about their conversations without REALLY noticing. It was the hotness.
Stan suggests that we go home with him, only a block away and get down. Then his friends call him over and he leaves. Casey and I figure that he's forgotten about us. Then his friend Clint, the blond scruffy dude, texts him. He's in the car and he's waiting. Clint was fucking wasted, but at least he had the good sense to put himself to bed. In the car. I said good night to Casey (if that's his name) and I went home.
So maybe I see Casey before he leaves on Sunday. Maybe I don't. But it was a nice conversation with a cute guy, a little making out and a reminder that I can still have fun. I can have my mojo. I can have another guy who I'm testing the waters with. Life is full of variety and spontaneity. And it's another confirmation that when you take a risk, you can have unexpected, silly, dirty, hard on inducing rewards. And that's exactly what happened last night.
Then I went to bed, walked the dogs that I'm dogsitting and got a good night's sleep. What's on board for today?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday Night's Date (FINALLY!)
I had a great date w/ New Haven on Sunday. It was really easy. I'm kind of still in shock that things are so easy with New Haven. He's smart. He's cute. He's incredibly clever. And sweet. He's got a good heart and he keeps it where people can see it. That's nice.
So the deal was that I would meet him at his house and that we would drive to the OC to see this play called CIRCLE MIRROR TRANSFORMATION by this young writer, Annie Baker who was an undergraduate when I was a grad student at NYU. Annie's become this big deal writer and I've always liked her and I really enjoy her work. So since I had missed the play originally in NYC, I wanted to see it out here. When I mentioned it to New Haven about three weeks ago, he seemed game. So I went on Goldstar and bought tickets, being the bargainista that I am. I need to be. I'm a writer who hasn't made it big yet. Need to keep the finances in check.
There was a lot of discussion over what we were doing and when. It seems to be something that New Haven and I both share. I'm a planner. And I love what my ex used to call the "play by play." What? Where? When? Who? Why? How? Love to talk. Love to break it down. Love to dissect. Love to plan. The ex used to say that his whole life was planned out, being the owner of his own business and having to keep a tight calendar. So on the weekends he didn't want to plan anything. What that really meant was that he didn't want to listen to my opinion on what we should do. But in this case, New Haven likes to plan because he's usually the one in his social group that's the planner.
I think it might be a little weird/difficult for him to have someone who likes to plan things out as well. For me the understanding is that we both like to plan and I'm flattered when he decides on something. And I hope that the same is true on my end. And I think it takes the pressure off a bit as well. It's nice for someone to say, here's what we're doing.
So the play was at 7:45. We agreed to meet at 4 at his place so we would have plenty of time to catch up on the Portland trip, on what's been going on in his busy life, and just general chit chatting. I had been running around that day, so I brought a change of clothes. When I got there, I noticed that he was wearing a wool sweater. That seemed odd. It was probably around 75/80 degrees out. But being the planner that he is, he explained that he was dressing for later. I decided to risk it. I had a beautiful multi-striped shirt on with jeans.
We hit the road. So apparently New Haven had this perfect day planned for himself. The Jets game at noon. And then the theatre with me. Mr. Planner got his games mixed up and actually the Jets game was starting at 4. So he had to tease me about it because he had gotten teased. But before he teased me, he had to explain that he was in no way complaining.
And here, I discovered something. New Haven is the King of the Disclaimer. He wants to make sure he's covered and that I know where he stands as he's about to make a statement. I find that hilarious.
"Okay. Let me just say something before I say something..."
That's such a cute character thing. It's pretty adorable.
So his friends had razzed him because a) some of them were theatre guys; b) they thought it was funny that he was missing the big game for a date. But he stood up for the date, which was sweet. And I like that he told the story for the sake of telling a story. I love an anecdote. Clearly. I'm writing a blog and am currently telling an anecdote.
How meta.
So in my effort not to be SO planned out, I hadn't decided firmly on a dinner location, but I had a few different ideas.
Sidebar: Okay, so I guess it's not like I had ONE plan. I had several. So that's actually uber planned out, not not planned out.
My first idea was a place that friends had recommended called Memphis, which was Southern and about five minutes from the theatre.
If he didn't like that idea, here's what I had planned:
- North Woods Inn: it's a mini chain in LA that is mainly in the San Gabriel Valley and it's a steakhouse. My parents took us there as kids because they had all inclusive meals that included: your main entree, two salads ( a chopped iceberg w/ Roquefort and a red cabbage slaw served with a vinegarette, cheese bread, rice pilaf AND a baked potato loaded up with sour cream, chives and cheese butter). At around $25-30 an entree, not inexpensive, but not outrageous given a place like Maestro's or Cut in Beverly Hills. There are also cheap drinks and peanut shells on the floor. Again, did I mention that this was the fancy place we went to as kids? It was on the way to the OC, so about 30 minutes from the theatre. But it would have been a fun option.
- When in Rome: The OC is the land of the chain restaurant. Buca da Beppo, Maggioni's, Black Angus. I was happy to do a bit of a themed "Date Night in the OC." Because that's where people would go.
- South Coast Plaza: South Coast is a mall, but it's one of the fanciest malls in the world, housing Chanel, YSL, Versace and Gucci. So the restaurants are a bit more upscale. Still, they're in a mall. But again, When in Rome Part II.
Fortunately, when I said "southern", New Haven went for it. He's from Virginia. So we had a pleasant drive down there. He got his Football/Theatre story in. We debriefed from the week. He had some great news on a work thing that happened during the week, so we debriefed from that. I don't know why, but I didn't tell him that I had read the script for the project that brought about the good news during the week. I figured we'd talk about it later. I was just excited to be spending time with him. It had been a week and a half. We chatted about my Portland trip, which in a nutshell was: "It was really relaxing. I had family time. I got to play with my niece. I went out a couple of times and I worked out. Didn't think about work."
We got to the OC in about 45 minutes. He took a route I wouldn't have taken, but one that was a smart route. I really had to hold back from my bossy nature and let him be the driver. And it was the smarter route versus the one I would have suggested. I'm finding that I don't have to speak up to prove that I'm right these days. Maybe because THIS isn't a competition. Interesting.
We get to the restaurant. It was the perfect place. We arrived at Happy Hour, which is 7 days a week. They had a Sunday special. It was great. We negotiated the sides we were getting as not to overlap. I got a Mint Julep, since I won't be taking my annual trip down to Louisville this year. I had to have a julep, but without the crushed ice, it was just a watered down mess.
Sidebar: I like this guy a lot. Sometimes I think because certain things remind me of my ex and I doubt myself because of that. And also because I JUST got out of a relationship. But does the fact that they are both smart, funny, articulate, kind (my ex was kind when there wasn't other shit getting in the way) mean that I should cross smart, funny, articulate and kind off my list? NO.
We finish dinner. We split the check, which I was happy about. I was worried he was going to try and pay for dinner because I had gotten the theatre tickets. But, as I explained when he asked me how much he owed me, he had something really great happen this week and I wanted to commemorate that. He had taken me out to dinner to celebrate my new job the week before. It's nice for BOTH parties when one party decides to do something for the other. You don't want to rob someone of the opportunity to celebrate you. It's a lesson I'm learning. I like it.
We picked up the tickets and on our way to the Westin to have a pre-show cocktail, I run into my friend Jami who drove down with her bf and friends from LA. Funny that. And her and New Haven both went to Yale. Not at the same time, but I thought that was a funny thing.
We then saw the show. You can read the reviews if you want to know how it is. But we both enjoyed it and on our way out, New Haven went to the bathroom. He then ran into someone in the bathroom. Okay, I know we're gay, but I don't mean it like that. There was no foot tapping. He ran into an old friend. A theatre director, as a matter of fact. They hadn't seen each other in five years or so. And the director was there with his wife. And in this moment, I kind of felt like we were a couple. We were chatting with his friends. I'm a playwright, so we talked about that. We all chatted about the show. I know the writer. I know the artistic staff at the theatre. I'm trying to get them to do plays of mine. They talked about the show that New Haven was "brilliant" in. And I don't mean that in quotes to mean allegedly. I put those in quotes to actually QUOTE. Then that made me curious to see him in a show.
We were all parked across the street at the mall. So we're walking and talking and then New Haven put his arm around me. While we were all chatting about all things theatre and such. And that's the moment when I really felt like a couple. I'm not saying that we are a couple. But the "couple feeling" was there. And I liked it.
So I know that I said several posts ago that I didn't want this to become the New Haven show. It almost seemed like it would defeat the purpose of what this blog is supposed to be about. But just because I left a destructive relationship doesn't mean that I don't want to be with somebody. yes, this is happening a bit sooner than I would imagine. I don't know where it is going, per se. But I like the direction.
On the way home, talk went to the schedule for the week and what time I had to be at work. And here's the place where I felt like I blew it. I deliberately did not bring my computer or clothes with me to New Haven's because I didn't want to be presumptuous. And this is where I would have benefited from embracing the planner within. But I was being shy about having a night bag packed and if the opportunity arose, being able to say, "Actually, I CAN spend the night because I brought my stuff with me just in case." But I backed down from my initial instinct. So we actually haven't spent a night together.
And I just mentioned it when we got together for a drink last night. And that made me feel a bit like the pusher. Like we HAVE to spend the night together the next time we see each other. I am dogsitting for Steve and Vic this weekend. And they specifically (and rightfully) asked me not to have any guests over. And by guests they specifically meant New Haven ONLY because they haven't met him yet. So I'm going to respect that. But I'm almost not jonesing for it. I mean, I AM. But I'm not being obsessive. Part of me feels like it will happen and it will be great. And that there's time. But there's part of me that's also looking forward to it with great anticipation. So it's not like there isn't any sexual chemistry there and I don't care. It's just that I'm not pulling my hair out because I know it will happen eventually...and soon.
So all in all, a great Sunday night. I'm taking it all as it comes. There hasn't been this rush to see each other every night or to obsessively send emails back and forth. We're both busy at work. And I think (this is just a theory, I make no claims to knowing ANYTHING) it's a good sign. It means we're still ourselves. And when we get together it's nice. But I'd be fooling myself and anyone who reads this if I said I didn't want to get in the nook. I want to be in his arms. There are no two ways about it.
He's a great kisser. And there have been copious amounts of kissing. If that is even a proper way to describe LOTS O' LIP LOCKING.
Next date is this Saturday. I guess I'd better get to planning.
Or not.
So the deal was that I would meet him at his house and that we would drive to the OC to see this play called CIRCLE MIRROR TRANSFORMATION by this young writer, Annie Baker who was an undergraduate when I was a grad student at NYU. Annie's become this big deal writer and I've always liked her and I really enjoy her work. So since I had missed the play originally in NYC, I wanted to see it out here. When I mentioned it to New Haven about three weeks ago, he seemed game. So I went on Goldstar and bought tickets, being the bargainista that I am. I need to be. I'm a writer who hasn't made it big yet. Need to keep the finances in check.
There was a lot of discussion over what we were doing and when. It seems to be something that New Haven and I both share. I'm a planner. And I love what my ex used to call the "play by play." What? Where? When? Who? Why? How? Love to talk. Love to break it down. Love to dissect. Love to plan. The ex used to say that his whole life was planned out, being the owner of his own business and having to keep a tight calendar. So on the weekends he didn't want to plan anything. What that really meant was that he didn't want to listen to my opinion on what we should do. But in this case, New Haven likes to plan because he's usually the one in his social group that's the planner.
I think it might be a little weird/difficult for him to have someone who likes to plan things out as well. For me the understanding is that we both like to plan and I'm flattered when he decides on something. And I hope that the same is true on my end. And I think it takes the pressure off a bit as well. It's nice for someone to say, here's what we're doing.
So the play was at 7:45. We agreed to meet at 4 at his place so we would have plenty of time to catch up on the Portland trip, on what's been going on in his busy life, and just general chit chatting. I had been running around that day, so I brought a change of clothes. When I got there, I noticed that he was wearing a wool sweater. That seemed odd. It was probably around 75/80 degrees out. But being the planner that he is, he explained that he was dressing for later. I decided to risk it. I had a beautiful multi-striped shirt on with jeans.
We hit the road. So apparently New Haven had this perfect day planned for himself. The Jets game at noon. And then the theatre with me. Mr. Planner got his games mixed up and actually the Jets game was starting at 4. So he had to tease me about it because he had gotten teased. But before he teased me, he had to explain that he was in no way complaining.
And here, I discovered something. New Haven is the King of the Disclaimer. He wants to make sure he's covered and that I know where he stands as he's about to make a statement. I find that hilarious.
"Okay. Let me just say something before I say something..."
That's such a cute character thing. It's pretty adorable.
So his friends had razzed him because a) some of them were theatre guys; b) they thought it was funny that he was missing the big game for a date. But he stood up for the date, which was sweet. And I like that he told the story for the sake of telling a story. I love an anecdote. Clearly. I'm writing a blog and am currently telling an anecdote.
How meta.
So in my effort not to be SO planned out, I hadn't decided firmly on a dinner location, but I had a few different ideas.
Sidebar: Okay, so I guess it's not like I had ONE plan. I had several. So that's actually uber planned out, not not planned out.
My first idea was a place that friends had recommended called Memphis, which was Southern and about five minutes from the theatre.
If he didn't like that idea, here's what I had planned:
- North Woods Inn: it's a mini chain in LA that is mainly in the San Gabriel Valley and it's a steakhouse. My parents took us there as kids because they had all inclusive meals that included: your main entree, two salads ( a chopped iceberg w/ Roquefort and a red cabbage slaw served with a vinegarette, cheese bread, rice pilaf AND a baked potato loaded up with sour cream, chives and cheese butter). At around $25-30 an entree, not inexpensive, but not outrageous given a place like Maestro's or Cut in Beverly Hills. There are also cheap drinks and peanut shells on the floor. Again, did I mention that this was the fancy place we went to as kids? It was on the way to the OC, so about 30 minutes from the theatre. But it would have been a fun option.
- When in Rome: The OC is the land of the chain restaurant. Buca da Beppo, Maggioni's, Black Angus. I was happy to do a bit of a themed "Date Night in the OC." Because that's where people would go.
- South Coast Plaza: South Coast is a mall, but it's one of the fanciest malls in the world, housing Chanel, YSL, Versace and Gucci. So the restaurants are a bit more upscale. Still, they're in a mall. But again, When in Rome Part II.
Fortunately, when I said "southern", New Haven went for it. He's from Virginia. So we had a pleasant drive down there. He got his Football/Theatre story in. We debriefed from the week. He had some great news on a work thing that happened during the week, so we debriefed from that. I don't know why, but I didn't tell him that I had read the script for the project that brought about the good news during the week. I figured we'd talk about it later. I was just excited to be spending time with him. It had been a week and a half. We chatted about my Portland trip, which in a nutshell was: "It was really relaxing. I had family time. I got to play with my niece. I went out a couple of times and I worked out. Didn't think about work."
We got to the OC in about 45 minutes. He took a route I wouldn't have taken, but one that was a smart route. I really had to hold back from my bossy nature and let him be the driver. And it was the smarter route versus the one I would have suggested. I'm finding that I don't have to speak up to prove that I'm right these days. Maybe because THIS isn't a competition. Interesting.
We get to the restaurant. It was the perfect place. We arrived at Happy Hour, which is 7 days a week. They had a Sunday special. It was great. We negotiated the sides we were getting as not to overlap. I got a Mint Julep, since I won't be taking my annual trip down to Louisville this year. I had to have a julep, but without the crushed ice, it was just a watered down mess.
Sidebar: I like this guy a lot. Sometimes I think because certain things remind me of my ex and I doubt myself because of that. And also because I JUST got out of a relationship. But does the fact that they are both smart, funny, articulate, kind (my ex was kind when there wasn't other shit getting in the way) mean that I should cross smart, funny, articulate and kind off my list? NO.
We finish dinner. We split the check, which I was happy about. I was worried he was going to try and pay for dinner because I had gotten the theatre tickets. But, as I explained when he asked me how much he owed me, he had something really great happen this week and I wanted to commemorate that. He had taken me out to dinner to celebrate my new job the week before. It's nice for BOTH parties when one party decides to do something for the other. You don't want to rob someone of the opportunity to celebrate you. It's a lesson I'm learning. I like it.
We picked up the tickets and on our way to the Westin to have a pre-show cocktail, I run into my friend Jami who drove down with her bf and friends from LA. Funny that. And her and New Haven both went to Yale. Not at the same time, but I thought that was a funny thing.
We then saw the show. You can read the reviews if you want to know how it is. But we both enjoyed it and on our way out, New Haven went to the bathroom. He then ran into someone in the bathroom. Okay, I know we're gay, but I don't mean it like that. There was no foot tapping. He ran into an old friend. A theatre director, as a matter of fact. They hadn't seen each other in five years or so. And the director was there with his wife. And in this moment, I kind of felt like we were a couple. We were chatting with his friends. I'm a playwright, so we talked about that. We all chatted about the show. I know the writer. I know the artistic staff at the theatre. I'm trying to get them to do plays of mine. They talked about the show that New Haven was "brilliant" in. And I don't mean that in quotes to mean allegedly. I put those in quotes to actually QUOTE. Then that made me curious to see him in a show.
We were all parked across the street at the mall. So we're walking and talking and then New Haven put his arm around me. While we were all chatting about all things theatre and such. And that's the moment when I really felt like a couple. I'm not saying that we are a couple. But the "couple feeling" was there. And I liked it.
So I know that I said several posts ago that I didn't want this to become the New Haven show. It almost seemed like it would defeat the purpose of what this blog is supposed to be about. But just because I left a destructive relationship doesn't mean that I don't want to be with somebody. yes, this is happening a bit sooner than I would imagine. I don't know where it is going, per se. But I like the direction.
On the way home, talk went to the schedule for the week and what time I had to be at work. And here's the place where I felt like I blew it. I deliberately did not bring my computer or clothes with me to New Haven's because I didn't want to be presumptuous. And this is where I would have benefited from embracing the planner within. But I was being shy about having a night bag packed and if the opportunity arose, being able to say, "Actually, I CAN spend the night because I brought my stuff with me just in case." But I backed down from my initial instinct. So we actually haven't spent a night together.
And I just mentioned it when we got together for a drink last night. And that made me feel a bit like the pusher. Like we HAVE to spend the night together the next time we see each other. I am dogsitting for Steve and Vic this weekend. And they specifically (and rightfully) asked me not to have any guests over. And by guests they specifically meant New Haven ONLY because they haven't met him yet. So I'm going to respect that. But I'm almost not jonesing for it. I mean, I AM. But I'm not being obsessive. Part of me feels like it will happen and it will be great. And that there's time. But there's part of me that's also looking forward to it with great anticipation. So it's not like there isn't any sexual chemistry there and I don't care. It's just that I'm not pulling my hair out because I know it will happen eventually...and soon.
So all in all, a great Sunday night. I'm taking it all as it comes. There hasn't been this rush to see each other every night or to obsessively send emails back and forth. We're both busy at work. And I think (this is just a theory, I make no claims to knowing ANYTHING) it's a good sign. It means we're still ourselves. And when we get together it's nice. But I'd be fooling myself and anyone who reads this if I said I didn't want to get in the nook. I want to be in his arms. There are no two ways about it.
He's a great kisser. And there have been copious amounts of kissing. If that is even a proper way to describe LOTS O' LIP LOCKING.
Next date is this Saturday. I guess I'd better get to planning.
Or not.
For Entertainment Purposes Only
I made a mistake. I started watching the SEX AND THE CITY series finale.
That might not seem like a big deal to some people. But for those of us who are tied into this whole "Carrie and Big" dynamic, it's lethal. Especially since I have been a bit wistful about my ex lately.
Sidebar: My friend Howie was saying yesterday how boring this blog has gotten since I've been a bit of a sap lately. I promise that this is the last of the sap for a while, Howie. But if I'm going to go out, I'm going Big.
Which leads back into...
So I'm watching "Splat", which is the episode before the big two part finale. It's the one where Kristin Johnson falls out a window and Carrie decides to go to Paris with Petrofsky. And then her and Miranda have this huge fight outside of a funeral in the snow. Miranda's objecting to Carrie giving up her column and following Aleks to Paris. Carrie says that she can stay in New York for Miranda and pretend that nothing has changed, that no one's life has moved on as long as she's doing the same thing she's done the whole time they've known each other. OR, as she says, she can go to Paris with him and LIVE her life.
And then Miranda, in her infinite wisdom, says: "You mean HIS life."
Ouch. And Carrie walks away. CUT TO the next episode where she's packing and Big shows up on her door step.
Sidebar: For someone who was living someone else's life for five years, this is hard to watch. I've always admired the acting, the directing and the art direction in these last few episodes. SJP never looked better. She really gave it to Big when he swept back into her life. But now, with this new perspective of what's happened in my life over the past three months...it rings true. And in this story, she does end back up with Big.
So I can't help but wonder...
But she walks away from it. And yes, I know I'm playing both sides of it. Because in pomp and circumstance, my ex is Big. But in terms of living his life, my ex also acted like Petrofsky. But Big always let Carrie be Carrie. He didn't always let her in, but the magic of who she is always shown through. Even though he hurt her pretty bad. Yes, I am attached to these characters and this show.
It's funny how you can still come out of all this emotional abuse and still ponder the question:
DID I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION?
Is it stupidity? Am I an idiot? It's three months later, almost...and I can't just be done with this?
I think one of the reasons I haven't been writing this blog is that I've been a bit bored. Bored of thinking about this. Bored of not having any resolution. My life has improved so much since we broke up: new job, new interest, new body...new new new new new. New everything.
I feel like he's a cancer I need to remove. And while that might seem like the most obvious statement. Other than "the sky is blue." It seems to be the thing that's standing in front of me. The one thing left I need to get rid of. I'm not saying I'm putting a hit on him...I don't mean "remove" literally. :)
My wiser friends (and I mean wiser than me) would say that this means that I'm ready to move on. I left everything behind: the man, the dogs, the home, the pots and pans, the rest of it. It's like I cleared out all of the major things and now there are just some minor things to get rid of. Some final dusting.
Such as:
His cousin and his wife just had a baby. I've been trying to get in touch with them to see the baby. Because I think it's the right thing to do? Because I like them? No, probably because I still want to torture myself. My mother says to let it go. I think she's right. I need to stop all contact. If they wanted me to see the baby, they would have reached out. And while I'm mad that somehow they can't be mature enough to just answer an email like I requested and say how awkward it is...that's not my problem.
The bullshit wishy washy people. You know what, they're all protecting him and they can have it. They can protect the fuck out of him. It's not going to change what hasn't changed and what won't change until he starts looking within. He's not getting better, people!
My apparent residual anger? As evidenced by the statements above. Wow. But it feels good to let it out.
And I have to let it out here and now. Since it won't all fit on a Post It.
Carrie and Big are fictional characters. I love them. But in no way to Carrie and Big represent anyone in my life, namely me. They are not substitutes, they do not represent my feelings for me, they do not speak to me other than in brilliant and not so brilliant puns and rat-a-tat-tat dialogue. Carrie and Big exist for entertainment purposes only.
That might not seem like a big deal to some people. But for those of us who are tied into this whole "Carrie and Big" dynamic, it's lethal. Especially since I have been a bit wistful about my ex lately.
Sidebar: My friend Howie was saying yesterday how boring this blog has gotten since I've been a bit of a sap lately. I promise that this is the last of the sap for a while, Howie. But if I'm going to go out, I'm going Big.
Which leads back into...
So I'm watching "Splat", which is the episode before the big two part finale. It's the one where Kristin Johnson falls out a window and Carrie decides to go to Paris with Petrofsky. And then her and Miranda have this huge fight outside of a funeral in the snow. Miranda's objecting to Carrie giving up her column and following Aleks to Paris. Carrie says that she can stay in New York for Miranda and pretend that nothing has changed, that no one's life has moved on as long as she's doing the same thing she's done the whole time they've known each other. OR, as she says, she can go to Paris with him and LIVE her life.
And then Miranda, in her infinite wisdom, says: "You mean HIS life."
Ouch. And Carrie walks away. CUT TO the next episode where she's packing and Big shows up on her door step.
Sidebar: For someone who was living someone else's life for five years, this is hard to watch. I've always admired the acting, the directing and the art direction in these last few episodes. SJP never looked better. She really gave it to Big when he swept back into her life. But now, with this new perspective of what's happened in my life over the past three months...it rings true. And in this story, she does end back up with Big.
So I can't help but wonder...
But she walks away from it. And yes, I know I'm playing both sides of it. Because in pomp and circumstance, my ex is Big. But in terms of living his life, my ex also acted like Petrofsky. But Big always let Carrie be Carrie. He didn't always let her in, but the magic of who she is always shown through. Even though he hurt her pretty bad. Yes, I am attached to these characters and this show.
It's funny how you can still come out of all this emotional abuse and still ponder the question:
DID I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION?
Is it stupidity? Am I an idiot? It's three months later, almost...and I can't just be done with this?
I think one of the reasons I haven't been writing this blog is that I've been a bit bored. Bored of thinking about this. Bored of not having any resolution. My life has improved so much since we broke up: new job, new interest, new body...new new new new new. New everything.
I feel like he's a cancer I need to remove. And while that might seem like the most obvious statement. Other than "the sky is blue." It seems to be the thing that's standing in front of me. The one thing left I need to get rid of. I'm not saying I'm putting a hit on him...I don't mean "remove" literally. :)
My wiser friends (and I mean wiser than me) would say that this means that I'm ready to move on. I left everything behind: the man, the dogs, the home, the pots and pans, the rest of it. It's like I cleared out all of the major things and now there are just some minor things to get rid of. Some final dusting.
Such as:
His cousin and his wife just had a baby. I've been trying to get in touch with them to see the baby. Because I think it's the right thing to do? Because I like them? No, probably because I still want to torture myself. My mother says to let it go. I think she's right. I need to stop all contact. If they wanted me to see the baby, they would have reached out. And while I'm mad that somehow they can't be mature enough to just answer an email like I requested and say how awkward it is...that's not my problem.
The bullshit wishy washy people. You know what, they're all protecting him and they can have it. They can protect the fuck out of him. It's not going to change what hasn't changed and what won't change until he starts looking within. He's not getting better, people!
My apparent residual anger? As evidenced by the statements above. Wow. But it feels good to let it out.
And I have to let it out here and now. Since it won't all fit on a Post It.
Carrie and Big are fictional characters. I love them. But in no way to Carrie and Big represent anyone in my life, namely me. They are not substitutes, they do not represent my feelings for me, they do not speak to me other than in brilliant and not so brilliant puns and rat-a-tat-tat dialogue. Carrie and Big exist for entertainment purposes only.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friendly Reminders
Leave it to my friend Susan to put things into perspective. Truth be told, I've been a little wistful about my ex lately. More like forgetful. The further you get from an event, the more you start forgetting the bad things.
I was talking to my friend Steve the other day and I mentioned that I missed having a buddy. And Steve, in his loving wisdom said:
"Do you miss having a buddy who's messed up in the head?"
He's blunt, that Steve. And no, I don't miss having THAT buddy. But I miss the fun things we used to do together. And right now I do have a buddy who I enjoy doing things with (more on the date in the OC later in this post or in the next one). Steve has Vic. Susan has Clayton. I know that I still need to be single and I definitely want to be, but it's hard not to get nostalgic when you watch couples who are in love. Vic and Steve have been together for almost ten years and they're so much in love.
So back to my friend Susan. We went for our weekly run and while we were relaxing back at her place with her husband, she had mentioned her sister who has issues similar to the issues my ex had. And I drew that connection when she mentioned her frustration. When it clicked that her sister was probably up to certain old tricks that I knew a lot about (I'm being deliberately vague here), something clicked in me. There was the stuff I had forgotten, right in my face through the story of Susan's sister. And Clayton had advised her to separate, at least for a while, from what is a toxic relationship. And then the other shoe dropped. I was back to three months ago. And then I didn't miss my ex-buddy so much.
I'm going to leave the explanation of the date to the next post. Because I don't want it to seem like I'm comparing the two.
I was talking to my friend Steve the other day and I mentioned that I missed having a buddy. And Steve, in his loving wisdom said:
"Do you miss having a buddy who's messed up in the head?"
He's blunt, that Steve. And no, I don't miss having THAT buddy. But I miss the fun things we used to do together. And right now I do have a buddy who I enjoy doing things with (more on the date in the OC later in this post or in the next one). Steve has Vic. Susan has Clayton. I know that I still need to be single and I definitely want to be, but it's hard not to get nostalgic when you watch couples who are in love. Vic and Steve have been together for almost ten years and they're so much in love.
So back to my friend Susan. We went for our weekly run and while we were relaxing back at her place with her husband, she had mentioned her sister who has issues similar to the issues my ex had. And I drew that connection when she mentioned her frustration. When it clicked that her sister was probably up to certain old tricks that I knew a lot about (I'm being deliberately vague here), something clicked in me. There was the stuff I had forgotten, right in my face through the story of Susan's sister. And Clayton had advised her to separate, at least for a while, from what is a toxic relationship. And then the other shoe dropped. I was back to three months ago. And then I didn't miss my ex-buddy so much.
I'm going to leave the explanation of the date to the next post. Because I don't want it to seem like I'm comparing the two.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Feeling Romantic Again
So New Haven and I are going to the theatre this weekend. We're going to see a play I'm dying to see. It's called CIRCLE MIRROR TRANSFORMATION and it's written by a young woman who was an undergrad when I was in grad school at NYU.
I wanted to see it in NYC and I'm glad it's coming out here. So I called New Haven to see if he wanted to see it. And luckily he did. So I bought tickets online (Goldstar half priced tickets because I'm on a budget). And we're going to make a day of it. I've been trying to find restaurants to go to in Orange County. Or on the way.
I've been doing some funny things lately. Like planning outfits for my dates with New Haven. I wore a purple plaid shirt underneath a black and white striped rugby sweater and blue jeans when we went to the movies. Then I had an outfit for the hike we took a couple of weeks ago. And I kind of freeballed too. I brought a change of shirts so that I wouldn't be sweaty when we went to Father's Office in culver city to have drinks and burgers afterwards.
I'm suggesting restaurants. I'm suggesting plans. And New Haven is a man who's responsive to all of that. He's admittedly a bit of a planner, but he's open to not planning everything. He says it takes the pressure off. For me, it's a welcome bit of relief. For someone who loves coming up with things to do, I had virtually stopped coming up with any ideas because I thought they would be rejected. And they were. Then I was accused of not putting thought into anything. Then I countered with "Why don't you just TELL me what you want to do and save us time since that's what we're going to end up doing anyway?"
Wow. Is it January 2011 or any time before November 1, 2010?
I'm feeling romantic again. You know why? because I'm being heard. I have a voice in this...whatever this is. In this "thing" that I find myself involved in. It's much more beautiful than a thing, but not more important than it should be.
that's the company line. I'm not dating. I'm not ready for that. That's what I keep telling myself. I haven't spent enough time alone. I haven't processed the end of a five year relationship. I haven't mourned it properly yet.
Those are the thoughts that have been creeping into my head lately. But it is all just bullshit?
Have I suffered enough?
I wanted to see it in NYC and I'm glad it's coming out here. So I called New Haven to see if he wanted to see it. And luckily he did. So I bought tickets online (Goldstar half priced tickets because I'm on a budget). And we're going to make a day of it. I've been trying to find restaurants to go to in Orange County. Or on the way.
I've been doing some funny things lately. Like planning outfits for my dates with New Haven. I wore a purple plaid shirt underneath a black and white striped rugby sweater and blue jeans when we went to the movies. Then I had an outfit for the hike we took a couple of weeks ago. And I kind of freeballed too. I brought a change of shirts so that I wouldn't be sweaty when we went to Father's Office in culver city to have drinks and burgers afterwards.
I'm suggesting restaurants. I'm suggesting plans. And New Haven is a man who's responsive to all of that. He's admittedly a bit of a planner, but he's open to not planning everything. He says it takes the pressure off. For me, it's a welcome bit of relief. For someone who loves coming up with things to do, I had virtually stopped coming up with any ideas because I thought they would be rejected. And they were. Then I was accused of not putting thought into anything. Then I countered with "Why don't you just TELL me what you want to do and save us time since that's what we're going to end up doing anyway?"
Wow. Is it January 2011 or any time before November 1, 2010?
I'm feeling romantic again. You know why? because I'm being heard. I have a voice in this...whatever this is. In this "thing" that I find myself involved in. It's much more beautiful than a thing, but not more important than it should be.
that's the company line. I'm not dating. I'm not ready for that. That's what I keep telling myself. I haven't spent enough time alone. I haven't processed the end of a five year relationship. I haven't mourned it properly yet.
Those are the thoughts that have been creeping into my head lately. But it is all just bullshit?
Have I suffered enough?
Now I'm NOT Following You
I've been talking about my own empowerment and self improvement for months. And some of it is partially bullshit because I've been doing something that I haven't told people about. No, I'm not sleeping with my ex.
I'M FOLLOWING HIM ON TWITTER.
Or I was as of this morning. There is more good fortune to come and I'm blocking it by having him in my life. Even as a prescence in 140 characters. So I decided to UNFOLLOW him. I only thought it appropriate because he had DEFRIENDED me.
Look at these new terms we have in our language. Un-follow. De-friend. We're becoming a culture of indian givers. What are we going to start taking back next?
"I'm taking back the gift of life. I un-birth you."
"You've disappointed me. I de-trust you."
"That really sucked. You've been un-fucked."
I don't mean to be so dismissive. But it's so easy to take things back. And some may argue that this stems from the speed and ease in which we un-marry. Divorce ain't easy. I'll tell you right now. I'm a single lady these days. With some success. I'm going out on dates with someone I like. But I don't know if I'm ready. And I don't want to be unfair to him.
I was telling my friend Steve that if it was six months from now, I would have no problem dating New Haven. I would have felt like I had enough separation and enough single time.
But what single time do I need? I've already fucked everyone in LA and NYC. Who else is there to fuck?
Okay, that's an exaggeration. But it's just fun to say. Seriously. It's an exaggeration. I have not fucked everyone in NYC and LA. And it's not about "growing up." I'm grown up. I just have had numerous sexual experiences, which might make their way into a future book. Oh, the orgies I've had.
maybe that's the title of the book. :)
I'm a clean, safe healthy guy. And once that's taken care of, I feel that there are many things two or three or four or more consenting adults can do. And I'm not going to be ashamed of that any more. My ex used to get embarrassed when I talked about my sexual past. And I always said to him, "Listen, I'm not doing anything I'm embarrassed or ashamed to talk about. And if I was, I shouldn't have done it in the first place." That's how I want to live my life. I've had enough misery.
And I let go of a little bit more of it today. Exactly 140 characters worth.
I'M FOLLOWING HIM ON TWITTER.
Or I was as of this morning. There is more good fortune to come and I'm blocking it by having him in my life. Even as a prescence in 140 characters. So I decided to UNFOLLOW him. I only thought it appropriate because he had DEFRIENDED me.
Look at these new terms we have in our language. Un-follow. De-friend. We're becoming a culture of indian givers. What are we going to start taking back next?
"I'm taking back the gift of life. I un-birth you."
"You've disappointed me. I de-trust you."
"That really sucked. You've been un-fucked."
I don't mean to be so dismissive. But it's so easy to take things back. And some may argue that this stems from the speed and ease in which we un-marry. Divorce ain't easy. I'll tell you right now. I'm a single lady these days. With some success. I'm going out on dates with someone I like. But I don't know if I'm ready. And I don't want to be unfair to him.
I was telling my friend Steve that if it was six months from now, I would have no problem dating New Haven. I would have felt like I had enough separation and enough single time.
But what single time do I need? I've already fucked everyone in LA and NYC. Who else is there to fuck?
Okay, that's an exaggeration. But it's just fun to say. Seriously. It's an exaggeration. I have not fucked everyone in NYC and LA. And it's not about "growing up." I'm grown up. I just have had numerous sexual experiences, which might make their way into a future book. Oh, the orgies I've had.
maybe that's the title of the book. :)
I'm a clean, safe healthy guy. And once that's taken care of, I feel that there are many things two or three or four or more consenting adults can do. And I'm not going to be ashamed of that any more. My ex used to get embarrassed when I talked about my sexual past. And I always said to him, "Listen, I'm not doing anything I'm embarrassed or ashamed to talk about. And if I was, I shouldn't have done it in the first place." That's how I want to live my life. I've had enough misery.
And I let go of a little bit more of it today. Exactly 140 characters worth.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Getting Away
I'm in Portland visiting my brother and his family for a few days. I've been enjoying some quiet time away from all writing. But since I'm waiting for my homemade ketchup to reduce and I've got half an hour before I put the chicken fingers in the oven, and the mac and cheese and salad are already done. We're having my brother's brother-in-law and his family over for dinner. Three kids and six adults. Should be interesting.
But now I have a quick moment before guests arrive to reflect on the past few days. I used to live in Portland right after college, so watching the city change over the past several years has been amazing. And now my brother and his family live here. So it's a great excuse to come back. I walk the streets and remember what those two years of my life were like when I was younger and just figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. Portland was such an adventure for me. First of all, my hair was longer. And it was the place where I chose to live first as an adult. I have great memories of running around town with friends - two of whom I saw last night.
It's funny with old friends how you get right back into step. My friends Jeff and Andrea are the big brother and sister I never had. They're always looking out for me, even all of these years later. Again, I heard the same story that I've been hearing from EVERYBODY: "We knew something was up, but didn't want to say anything because he was your boyfriend." Okay, it's official - he wasn't all that well liked. My friend Molly put it this way: "I met him just one time, so I just thought he was having a bad day." Holy shit the things you see when you're out of a relationship. Molly saw me on the last trip I did without him and she said that's when I seemed like myself.
I wasn't myself when I was with him! And everyone saw it. There are no secrets. So as myself, I went to dinner w/ Jeff and Andrea last night. We drank and ate. I introduced them to the joys of Soave, a great Italian white. We went to Kell's, an Irish bar in Portland that was exactly the same as when I was there years earlier: Irish band playing, drunk girls trying to talk to drunk boys. Nothing really had changed. Then I took them to Silverado, which is a gay strip club and it was packed. And a lot of fun. I had also gone the night before. I like staring at weenie. What can I say? The guys get naked. I love dudes.
So I'm making a little bit of a resolution about this blog. Enough introspection for awhile. it's not good reading. what is good reading is the ins and outs of my life right now, which is also a lot more fun to write. It's been a little too serious lately. I guess that's the new year kicking in.
One more resolution: I need to stop reading my ex's tweets. It's all getting a bit weird. I haven't told anyone that I check them every day, sometimes more than once. I have to unfollow him or something. But I still have this desire to know what he's up to.
Okay, since this is the 90th blog post, I'm going to give myself license to go on about whatever I need to go on about - good, bad, indifferent, sad, introspective. And then starting with post 100, I promise more entertainment. I certainly need it. Also, there might be a clip show in there somewhere, to go over the high (and low) lights. There have been a few. So enjoy the free form blogging from now until post 99.
Hopefully, I will be able to keep it interesting.
But now I have a quick moment before guests arrive to reflect on the past few days. I used to live in Portland right after college, so watching the city change over the past several years has been amazing. And now my brother and his family live here. So it's a great excuse to come back. I walk the streets and remember what those two years of my life were like when I was younger and just figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. Portland was such an adventure for me. First of all, my hair was longer. And it was the place where I chose to live first as an adult. I have great memories of running around town with friends - two of whom I saw last night.
It's funny with old friends how you get right back into step. My friends Jeff and Andrea are the big brother and sister I never had. They're always looking out for me, even all of these years later. Again, I heard the same story that I've been hearing from EVERYBODY: "We knew something was up, but didn't want to say anything because he was your boyfriend." Okay, it's official - he wasn't all that well liked. My friend Molly put it this way: "I met him just one time, so I just thought he was having a bad day." Holy shit the things you see when you're out of a relationship. Molly saw me on the last trip I did without him and she said that's when I seemed like myself.
I wasn't myself when I was with him! And everyone saw it. There are no secrets. So as myself, I went to dinner w/ Jeff and Andrea last night. We drank and ate. I introduced them to the joys of Soave, a great Italian white. We went to Kell's, an Irish bar in Portland that was exactly the same as when I was there years earlier: Irish band playing, drunk girls trying to talk to drunk boys. Nothing really had changed. Then I took them to Silverado, which is a gay strip club and it was packed. And a lot of fun. I had also gone the night before. I like staring at weenie. What can I say? The guys get naked. I love dudes.
So I'm making a little bit of a resolution about this blog. Enough introspection for awhile. it's not good reading. what is good reading is the ins and outs of my life right now, which is also a lot more fun to write. It's been a little too serious lately. I guess that's the new year kicking in.
One more resolution: I need to stop reading my ex's tweets. It's all getting a bit weird. I haven't told anyone that I check them every day, sometimes more than once. I have to unfollow him or something. But I still have this desire to know what he's up to.
Okay, since this is the 90th blog post, I'm going to give myself license to go on about whatever I need to go on about - good, bad, indifferent, sad, introspective. And then starting with post 100, I promise more entertainment. I certainly need it. Also, there might be a clip show in there somewhere, to go over the high (and low) lights. There have been a few. So enjoy the free form blogging from now until post 99.
Hopefully, I will be able to keep it interesting.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I'm Worth It (or More Value)
This is just a follow up to the worth conversation.
The bonus conversation got resolved in my favor. It turned out that at the moment I was ready to discuss it further, I was told I was getting what I deserved. Those last three words are mine. I was told I was getting "the rest." I had to go in and fix my bonus, which I think for anyone is a hard thing to do. You end up asking yourself questions like "Am I being greedy?" "Do I really deserve this?" "I can make it work without that extra money, right? I didn't really need it anyway."
And then I thought about the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that I am asking for everything I deserve.
I deserve to be with a partner who respects me and has the capacity to love me.
I deserve to have time with my friends without feeling guilty.
I deserve to have the body I want - without shame or embarrassment.
I deserve to have the freedom to make the choices in my life that are right for me.
I deserve money. I deserve the compensation for a job well done.
And if I didn't honor that last bit, then everything else would suffer. I would start to slide back to the person who makes due. And yes, there is a benefit for asking for more money. And I deserve all the benefits that my standing up for myself brings me.
The relationship with my soon to be former employer and my ex boyfriend really shared some similar dynamics. So once I ended one relationship, the other was soon to follow. And now that I'm about to end this second relationship officially, there's more change to come. I start my new job on Monday. I have more changes ahead of me. I will be looking for a new apartment soon. Still staying with friends or housesitting for them. Then I will find out what's happening with any upcoming travel for work and then I'll find a place that's more permanent.
So it's full steam ahead. Now I need to go for a run and work on that body I deserve.
The bonus conversation got resolved in my favor. It turned out that at the moment I was ready to discuss it further, I was told I was getting what I deserved. Those last three words are mine. I was told I was getting "the rest." I had to go in and fix my bonus, which I think for anyone is a hard thing to do. You end up asking yourself questions like "Am I being greedy?" "Do I really deserve this?" "I can make it work without that extra money, right? I didn't really need it anyway."
And then I thought about the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that I am asking for everything I deserve.
I deserve to be with a partner who respects me and has the capacity to love me.
I deserve to have time with my friends without feeling guilty.
I deserve to have the body I want - without shame or embarrassment.
I deserve to have the freedom to make the choices in my life that are right for me.
I deserve money. I deserve the compensation for a job well done.
And if I didn't honor that last bit, then everything else would suffer. I would start to slide back to the person who makes due. And yes, there is a benefit for asking for more money. And I deserve all the benefits that my standing up for myself brings me.
The relationship with my soon to be former employer and my ex boyfriend really shared some similar dynamics. So once I ended one relationship, the other was soon to follow. And now that I'm about to end this second relationship officially, there's more change to come. I start my new job on Monday. I have more changes ahead of me. I will be looking for a new apartment soon. Still staying with friends or housesitting for them. Then I will find out what's happening with any upcoming travel for work and then I'll find a place that's more permanent.
So it's full steam ahead. Now I need to go for a run and work on that body I deserve.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Advised Out
I have this Sunday ritual with a girlfriend of mine. We go running and then we go to breakfast. But when there is shit going down in either of our lives, we just settle for a long walk because our mouths have to be able to move fast - more than our legs do.
My friend wants to have a child as she nears forty. She is a newlywed and there's a lot of pressure. It sounds like this:
TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
And she had a bit of a moment. My advise to her, admittedly, came from a place of recent experience:
"If it's not right, don't do it."
"Maybe now's not the right time to try if you feel overwhelmed by the idea of being a mother."
And on and on. So while I may have had incredible pearls of wisdom to offer her, I realized something. I do not have her uterus, her childhood experiences, her choice in men, her world view - in other words, I am not her. SO I just need to shut up. This is the thing, people are going to do what they feel is the right thing to do, despite how brilliant or correct one's advice is. I went through it in the weeks immediately after my breakup. Most people had brilliant advice. And most advice was brilliant in those first few weeks. But as things got further along, I started to see what was right for me. And only you know your circumstances. Only you know what you're willing to put up with.
Here's some advice my godmother gave me when I complained about the way my mother was being pushed around by my father (not physically). She said: "Your mother knows what she's doing." And that's it. My friend knows what she's doing.
I know what I'm doing, too. This week I had sent an email to the ex. I was frankly tired of this statement by a well-intentioned friend:
"Do you miss him?" YES. "Are you thinking about him?" YES. "Well, you better not talk to him because you're going to fall down the slope and get back together with him." WHAT? Not that I disagree with my friend's statement or even his intentions, but I started to feel something bubbling up. I started becoming preoccupied by the thought that if I got in touch with my ex, that all of a sudden I'd throw it all away, the past few months of growth and progress. Stronger people have done it.
Then I realized that I was still giving him too much power. So I emailed him. Wished him a happy new year. Told him that I was grateful for our relationship. But no where in that email did I say that I would always love him or that I wanted him back. But I acknowledged the importance of where I've been to where I'm going. And I let something go in doing that.
THE RELATIONSHIP OF ME AND ______. 2005-2010. RIP.
I had to let that go. 2011 is about what my life is about now. It's about New York. It's about new opportunities. It's about training for a marathon for the Fall (I wanted to do LA, but it looks like I won't be in town for it if I'm in NYC). It's about finishing this play that doesn't want to be let go. It's about sex, which I'm having. It's about thinning down. It's about trimming the fat in all areas of my life. It is not about obsessing about the things I obsessed about before 2011. I have ended relationships that are allowing me to wipe the slate clean. And now I'm making that slate beautiful with all of the new things I'm putting on it.
So I'm not going back to him. I just didn't want him to have control over me. Like he did over five years. Now anything that happens when I run into him in the future, won't send me into a tailspin because of what I am holding on to.
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
Addendum: And while we're at it. Let's stop talking about the Ex. Let's talk about the sEX. Or the EXhibitionism. Or the flEXing of muscles. Or the EXtra pounds I've gained over the holidays. EXperiences? Glad to talk about those. But not about the ex.
It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life. And I'm feeling good. (Me and Jennifer Hudson for Weight Watchers, anyway)
My friend wants to have a child as she nears forty. She is a newlywed and there's a lot of pressure. It sounds like this:
TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
And she had a bit of a moment. My advise to her, admittedly, came from a place of recent experience:
"If it's not right, don't do it."
"Maybe now's not the right time to try if you feel overwhelmed by the idea of being a mother."
And on and on. So while I may have had incredible pearls of wisdom to offer her, I realized something. I do not have her uterus, her childhood experiences, her choice in men, her world view - in other words, I am not her. SO I just need to shut up. This is the thing, people are going to do what they feel is the right thing to do, despite how brilliant or correct one's advice is. I went through it in the weeks immediately after my breakup. Most people had brilliant advice. And most advice was brilliant in those first few weeks. But as things got further along, I started to see what was right for me. And only you know your circumstances. Only you know what you're willing to put up with.
Here's some advice my godmother gave me when I complained about the way my mother was being pushed around by my father (not physically). She said: "Your mother knows what she's doing." And that's it. My friend knows what she's doing.
I know what I'm doing, too. This week I had sent an email to the ex. I was frankly tired of this statement by a well-intentioned friend:
"Do you miss him?" YES. "Are you thinking about him?" YES. "Well, you better not talk to him because you're going to fall down the slope and get back together with him." WHAT? Not that I disagree with my friend's statement or even his intentions, but I started to feel something bubbling up. I started becoming preoccupied by the thought that if I got in touch with my ex, that all of a sudden I'd throw it all away, the past few months of growth and progress. Stronger people have done it.
Then I realized that I was still giving him too much power. So I emailed him. Wished him a happy new year. Told him that I was grateful for our relationship. But no where in that email did I say that I would always love him or that I wanted him back. But I acknowledged the importance of where I've been to where I'm going. And I let something go in doing that.
THE RELATIONSHIP OF ME AND ______. 2005-2010. RIP.
I had to let that go. 2011 is about what my life is about now. It's about New York. It's about new opportunities. It's about training for a marathon for the Fall (I wanted to do LA, but it looks like I won't be in town for it if I'm in NYC). It's about finishing this play that doesn't want to be let go. It's about sex, which I'm having. It's about thinning down. It's about trimming the fat in all areas of my life. It is not about obsessing about the things I obsessed about before 2011. I have ended relationships that are allowing me to wipe the slate clean. And now I'm making that slate beautiful with all of the new things I'm putting on it.
So I'm not going back to him. I just didn't want him to have control over me. Like he did over five years. Now anything that happens when I run into him in the future, won't send me into a tailspin because of what I am holding on to.
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
Addendum: And while we're at it. Let's stop talking about the Ex. Let's talk about the sEX. Or the EXhibitionism. Or the flEXing of muscles. Or the EXtra pounds I've gained over the holidays. EXperiences? Glad to talk about those. But not about the ex.
It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life. And I'm feeling good. (Me and Jennifer Hudson for Weight Watchers, anyway)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
What I'm Worth
My last full week of work turned out to be this week. As a refresher, I'm going to work on this new pilot for USA, which I may or may not have shared. Anyway, I've been waiting to find out my official start date. Got that on Tuesday. WIll start on the 17th. And then I got a bit of interesting news regarding my year end bonus. Not going into that here since everything hasn't been settled yet, but here's what it got me thinking about: What I'm Worth.
There's a reason people don't discuss money. Money equals value and it's a direct way to discuss their own value. I know I've been scared up to this point about having any sort of conversation about my own value. And the other good way to start thinking about one's value is to go through a break up. So I've had an opportunity where I needed to discuss my own value for the past year at work, which is coming on the coattails of assessing my own value over my lifetime as well as the past five years. It's certainly one of the underlying reasons I started this blog.
So what are some of my conclusions? Well, I'm happy to report that I have value. That I have more value than I thought I had. On the superficial level, since I started adding "hotness" to the list (for myself and for others), I've gotten hotness in return. I'm getting a lot of attention on a pure superficial level. I've always dismissed that. But I think on a deep level the superficial provides us with something. It's a touchstone. There's no denying that a wink from a stranger or a pretty dress makes us feel better. It's just a little boost. It's not something to hang our self esteem on, but it makes us feel good. And that has great effects in other areas of life. I've gotten many boosts lately.
And in terms of New Haven, well, that's a...thing (not out of disrespect, out of not wanting to label) that's been amazing for my own value. I'm back on the market and I had devalued myself. I had priced myself too low. Here's a witty, charming, sweet, attractive guy who's into me. And I'm into him. And we're not holding anything back, but at the same time we're being honest with the timeframe that this is all happening. We're acknowledging the context. We're talking about it when we need to and not when it doesn't matter. It's communication and I didn't realize that had fallen out for both my ex and myself - a good time before the relationship ended. We weren't communicating and I'm just as responsible as my Ex is.
I'm going to the gym and loving it. I'm not afraid to put myself out there in a superficial way. Because I know that the deep stuff isn't going to evaporate just because I lift a dumbell or do a push up. I can have both. And I didn't let myself believe that before. I believe that now.
So having these conversations about money and compensation in another relationship that now represents part of my past just seems like the logical next step. If life is a journey, which I believe it is without getting to spiritual, then this is the next step in that journey. The universe wants me to realize my value and when my purpose and its purpose are working together, great things can happen. I can't get to the next stage in my life without realizing my value. Because if I don't know it, how can I communicate my value to future friends, lovers, employers. And it's not about pressing an agenda, it's about living. Just living.
There's a reason people don't discuss money. Money equals value and it's a direct way to discuss their own value. I know I've been scared up to this point about having any sort of conversation about my own value. And the other good way to start thinking about one's value is to go through a break up. So I've had an opportunity where I needed to discuss my own value for the past year at work, which is coming on the coattails of assessing my own value over my lifetime as well as the past five years. It's certainly one of the underlying reasons I started this blog.
So what are some of my conclusions? Well, I'm happy to report that I have value. That I have more value than I thought I had. On the superficial level, since I started adding "hotness" to the list (for myself and for others), I've gotten hotness in return. I'm getting a lot of attention on a pure superficial level. I've always dismissed that. But I think on a deep level the superficial provides us with something. It's a touchstone. There's no denying that a wink from a stranger or a pretty dress makes us feel better. It's just a little boost. It's not something to hang our self esteem on, but it makes us feel good. And that has great effects in other areas of life. I've gotten many boosts lately.
And in terms of New Haven, well, that's a...thing (not out of disrespect, out of not wanting to label) that's been amazing for my own value. I'm back on the market and I had devalued myself. I had priced myself too low. Here's a witty, charming, sweet, attractive guy who's into me. And I'm into him. And we're not holding anything back, but at the same time we're being honest with the timeframe that this is all happening. We're acknowledging the context. We're talking about it when we need to and not when it doesn't matter. It's communication and I didn't realize that had fallen out for both my ex and myself - a good time before the relationship ended. We weren't communicating and I'm just as responsible as my Ex is.
I'm going to the gym and loving it. I'm not afraid to put myself out there in a superficial way. Because I know that the deep stuff isn't going to evaporate just because I lift a dumbell or do a push up. I can have both. And I didn't let myself believe that before. I believe that now.
So having these conversations about money and compensation in another relationship that now represents part of my past just seems like the logical next step. If life is a journey, which I believe it is without getting to spiritual, then this is the next step in that journey. The universe wants me to realize my value and when my purpose and its purpose are working together, great things can happen. I can't get to the next stage in my life without realizing my value. Because if I don't know it, how can I communicate my value to future friends, lovers, employers. And it's not about pressing an agenda, it's about living. Just living.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Dancing on my Own
I don't have a problem spending time alone. I kind of like it. I love going to the movies by myself. And I'll go to a coffee shop and read alone. And I don't mind going out to a bar by myself, usually I don't stay long. But it's kind of fun. Although it can get kind of lonely pretty quickly.
But when I went on the MJ's website (MJ's is a gay bar in Silverlake), I saw that there was a Sunday morning dance party called CHURCH. I thought that sounded interesting. I love the idea that you can grab your coffee and a donut, then go dancing at a club that's open from 6am-12noon. And in perfect time for brunch. I love that!
So I went over at 8:30, saw a guy who was clearly tripping on something, and paid my money to go in. It was pitch dark when I got inside. Looked a bit dirty. I was able to order a greyhound, which was fantastic. And here's the thing that was genius about this whole idea of a morning dance party. People are on their drugs and are dancing by themselves. I LOVE dancing by myself. I always feel weird at a club when I want to go dance on my own and people are looking at me like I'm a nut case. But when you're on drugs, you don't give a shit! So I even took my shirt off! I felt free to do so! I haven't taken my shirt off at a club in years. But why not? The druggies aren't going to notice!
IT wasn't as sketchy as my friends had warned me it might be. I didn't see any tweakers. I just saw people who were out to have a good time. It actually felt communial and great. There wasn't a lot of attendance, but it was a blast. And I was done by 11 am. So I got 2 1/2 hours of cardio in before I went to the gym. I took care of my body, danced my ass off ON MY OWN and then went to the gym on my own.
Then I went and had a huge pastrami sandwich at a root beer on my own, which is a good thing because I wolfed it down. It was not pretty. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
All in all, a great Sunday.
But when I went on the MJ's website (MJ's is a gay bar in Silverlake), I saw that there was a Sunday morning dance party called CHURCH. I thought that sounded interesting. I love the idea that you can grab your coffee and a donut, then go dancing at a club that's open from 6am-12noon. And in perfect time for brunch. I love that!
So I went over at 8:30, saw a guy who was clearly tripping on something, and paid my money to go in. It was pitch dark when I got inside. Looked a bit dirty. I was able to order a greyhound, which was fantastic. And here's the thing that was genius about this whole idea of a morning dance party. People are on their drugs and are dancing by themselves. I LOVE dancing by myself. I always feel weird at a club when I want to go dance on my own and people are looking at me like I'm a nut case. But when you're on drugs, you don't give a shit! So I even took my shirt off! I felt free to do so! I haven't taken my shirt off at a club in years. But why not? The druggies aren't going to notice!
IT wasn't as sketchy as my friends had warned me it might be. I didn't see any tweakers. I just saw people who were out to have a good time. It actually felt communial and great. There wasn't a lot of attendance, but it was a blast. And I was done by 11 am. So I got 2 1/2 hours of cardio in before I went to the gym. I took care of my body, danced my ass off ON MY OWN and then went to the gym on my own.
Then I went and had a huge pastrami sandwich at a root beer on my own, which is a good thing because I wolfed it down. It was not pretty. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
All in all, a great Sunday.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011 - two hours old
I was told that I probably didn't need to make any New Year's Resolutions because enough has changed in my life in the past two months. So while I have brought about a lot of change in this amount of time, I will resolve to do a few things:
I will continue to be a part of my friends' lives even if I do get into a relationship this year or any other year for that matter.
I will be more honest with myself as well as with others.
I will always put myself at the forefront and not in the background.
I will never forget myself again. I won't have to come back because I will never leave.
Tonight was filled with friendship, food and footwork. I danced my ass off over the past three hours. Now I"m back home and I'm coming down before I have to go to bed. I have learned so much in the past year and especially in the past two months. I know I"m capable of love. I still know that even after the break up. I know I have a lot to give, but now I also know that I don't have to give it all away. I know that my ex is a good man with a lot of problems. But he loved me completely the best way he knew how and as much as he could.
I hope his life is better without me. A lot of friends have said that maybe he'll fall apart or that he must be devastated. Well, I guess that's what happens when you lose a great love. Even though it might not seem it to some people, of course I'm devastated. I lost my best friend two months ago. I was definitely committed to "for better or for worse." And we weren't legally married, not that that is even possible.
I could have had sex tonight. But didn't. A young hot drunk thing was after me. And it's not because of New Haven. I just felt a little too old for it all. And not in a world weary way. I just felt past it. I would have fucked that kid good. Fireworks. I would have rocked his world. But I just wanted to come home, walk the dogs and get some rest to tackle tomorrow.
I hate the thought that the ex and I won't speak again. I think we will. But it does kill me to not know when. It makes me uncomfortable because I can't control it. I also can't control this thing with New Haven. My mind wants to make up reasons why we're not going to make plans for next week until Sunday. Why we didn't have sex last night. But that's another thing I have to resolve myself to: life isn't going to be orchestrated by me. I have to be open to what it offers. I can't fix everything, but I can be ready for it.
Good night. See you in the morning.
I will continue to be a part of my friends' lives even if I do get into a relationship this year or any other year for that matter.
I will be more honest with myself as well as with others.
I will always put myself at the forefront and not in the background.
I will never forget myself again. I won't have to come back because I will never leave.
Tonight was filled with friendship, food and footwork. I danced my ass off over the past three hours. Now I"m back home and I'm coming down before I have to go to bed. I have learned so much in the past year and especially in the past two months. I know I"m capable of love. I still know that even after the break up. I know I have a lot to give, but now I also know that I don't have to give it all away. I know that my ex is a good man with a lot of problems. But he loved me completely the best way he knew how and as much as he could.
I hope his life is better without me. A lot of friends have said that maybe he'll fall apart or that he must be devastated. Well, I guess that's what happens when you lose a great love. Even though it might not seem it to some people, of course I'm devastated. I lost my best friend two months ago. I was definitely committed to "for better or for worse." And we weren't legally married, not that that is even possible.
I could have had sex tonight. But didn't. A young hot drunk thing was after me. And it's not because of New Haven. I just felt a little too old for it all. And not in a world weary way. I just felt past it. I would have fucked that kid good. Fireworks. I would have rocked his world. But I just wanted to come home, walk the dogs and get some rest to tackle tomorrow.
I hate the thought that the ex and I won't speak again. I think we will. But it does kill me to not know when. It makes me uncomfortable because I can't control it. I also can't control this thing with New Haven. My mind wants to make up reasons why we're not going to make plans for next week until Sunday. Why we didn't have sex last night. But that's another thing I have to resolve myself to: life isn't going to be orchestrated by me. I have to be open to what it offers. I can't fix everything, but I can be ready for it.
Good night. See you in the morning.
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