My friend Dave has been a spiritual advisor, friend and confidante since I was fifteen years old. That is a long time. He was my theology professor in high school and he knows my progression as a person better than almost anyone outside of my brother and my best friend Alanna. So I called him earlier today because we haven't talked in a while and I wanted to see if he was going to be out in LA for the holidays (he grew up here). Even though he won't be out here until after the New Year, I wanted to fill him in about what's going on with me and this job search.
I told him about the three different opportunities that I've put myself up for. And Dave had different advice than anyone I've spoken to. My recent tarot card reading said that an older man might be important to me. Dave definitely is important to me in a lot of ways. I value his opinion and advisement about everything. He told me that the PSU position could be a smaller opportunity and that if I want to establish myself in a larger way in academia that the University of Iowa job might be where I want to put my focus. And that the job at Emory could be good, but that I want to look beyond the two years of the Fellowship. His concern is that I don't take advantage of my time now as a vibrant, youthful force. Right now, I'm desirable to institutions because I have the right combination of youth and experience. In three to five years, I might just seem old and relegated to the adjunct faculty. This is my time to make a move if I want a serious position in academia.
Dave is usually a very gentle guiding force. This conversation was pointed and exact. He said that he wants to make sure I didn't make the mistakes he made when he started teaching on the University level. His points that I should get on the tenure track now if I want a serious academic role. And that seems to be where I get scared. I think I want to be a working artist, rather than a full fledged professor. Dave's point is that if I don't get serious about it, I won't have a choice and eventually those working artist opportunities and so will the tenure track ones.
I appreciate Dave's advice because no one is giving me that kind of dead serious life advice. I value his judgment and his experience. I do have to decide if his advice is the right advice for me. I think it's very good advice and I think the validity of the advice hedges on whether or not I am entering into full-blown professorhood. Right now, I've been content to dip my foot in and to think on a micro level rather than on the macro level that Dave is talking about. He doesn't want my options to run out.
Here's another opportunity to declare what I want and to get specific about it. But his point is well taken. It just scares the fuck out of me.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
Tarot Card Reading: Honor Thy Error
A few nights ago, Susan did another Tarot Card reading for me because I really was feeling like I needed guidance. I've been trying to do this reading for a couple of weeks and there's definitely a sense of desperation to needing a new reading. It's the end of the year and I realized that my last tarot reading was four months ago. I was hoping that some things had moved around and some things have. But much of the reading reflected what she said last time. Although NOW, I have some insight on what she was talking about before.
http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/twist-spine.html
This was the last reading that took place at the end of August. I realize that I had some hesitation about my relationship back then, which is a bit more pronounced now. I didn't know that I had such strong concerns back then. I think The Drummer was on tour, so maybe that's why I was feeling anxious. But she also spoke about a new working relationship and traveling for work. At the time, we thought it had to do with Alanna. But now that I'm looking at the developments of the past two weeks, I realize that it has to do with an opportunity for me at Portland State, which might bring something else into fruition soon. It involves a new job (possibly) and travel. But there could also be a lot of travel in my future. The cards encouraged me to put myself out there and to seek out new opportunities and to take a risk. I have been applying to a lot of teaching jobs and also play development opportunities. So I feel like I have been doing that. But based on the more recent reading, there's a lot more work to be done.
If I thought the last reading was intense, this took things about forty steps deeper.
Again, Susan and I picked from her deck of personalized intention cards that were made for her. I had a run in with the Ex via email the day before that really was on my mind. Even though I wanted this reading to be about work, my energy was too strong in the personal sector of my life. And this reading leaned toward relationship more than the previous two she had done. So I chose a card:
HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION
What the hell does that mean? The message must be huge because I couldn't digest it right away. And as I discovered with the last reading, the card I pulled (TWIST THE SPINE) kept having reverberations the more that time went on. But what I could come up with in the immediate was that the things I think are mistakes are not. It also goes along with the idea that I keep painting things as negative that aren't. Most of my cards continue to be inverted because I'm blocked. Because I have still so many negative beliefs. Because I'm not honoring my error. I'm not acknowledging that the things I think are holding me back are revealing what I really want. They aren't necessarily the things I want, but I'm not in the place I want to be purely because I have put myself there. And I don't need to be in a bad space. I have everything I want. I am talented and smart and there's no reason I shouldn't be picking and choosing the opportunities and jobs I want and theaters I want to work with and TV shows I want to work on and have them materialize. My desire is as strong as my belief that I don't deserve it. And my belief that I don't deserve it needs to take a back seat. I still believe that I need the negative thought to push myself and I don't. I need to be released from that. It might be time for another cleanse.
As Susan and I tried to figure that out, we decided to start the reading. I cut the cards. They were not jumping out of her hands this time. I think that's because they were heavy with thought. Too weighed down to hop around. And I had a certainty that I wanted to know what they had to say.
The Hanged One (Where I Am Now): I got the Hanged One last time in regards to the lesson of the cycle I am in. Well, now it has moved from the theme of my cycle to directly where I am. I am in the throes of figuring out where I am not. And the Hanged One is telling me desperately that I need to let go of my negative perception. I am confused about my new direction. I am mostly letting go of the choke hold my Hollywood dreams have on me, which is why there has been some movement. But while before I was trying to move through concrete, right now I am trying to move through quicksand. I am in search of a deeper meaning and a purpose in my life but I am still fixed on a rigid idea I have of myself. I don't think I am smart enough to be a University professor or a TV writer or a leader. If I don't get over that, I risk everything because right now it is still alive and waiting for me. It is full and ripe. I need to release ideas and associations that are obsolete. I think these ideas and associations have to do with how I think people perceive me. But there is still no immediate word. And I am tired of waiting. In order to turn my life around, I have to let go of negative beliefs and the feeling for this is VERY STRONG. I am in the middle of my metamorphosis and it is rough. But change is disruptive, and it truly redefines and repositions everything around it. But the only way for things to be different is for this extreme change. It started with my break up three years ago, continued with my Dad's illness and death and now the agents of change are focused directly on my next steps.
Other interpretation: You are at a crossroads with only one way out: yes or no. If you want to do something to change things, but have no idea how to do it, let it go, relax and look at ways to let go of control. Work: Don't take the slow wheels of change personally. Things will change. You need to let go of a vision of a certain type of relationship as the only way you can be happy. It is crucial to let go of any negative, self limiting beliefs.
Seven of Discs (Atmosphere): I need to take stock. I shouldn't be tempted to rest on my laurels, but I should push forward. I need to take a cue from synchronicity. I need to re-evaluate my goals. I also need to be buoyed by past success to charge into the future. I need to remember that I'm the guy who moved from Portland to NYC with $800 bucks in my pocket and nothing else, not even a place to stay for very long. I made major things happen before and I can again. Even despite being forty. I may not be as long as I used to be, but as I've proven, my focus is stronger. I need to remember that day in dance class back in October. I only have to operate as myself and take what I need. I don't need to compare myself to other people or to their journeys. The cards also said that I may opt for an extended leave or a long vacation. That is also tied into what might be happening with Portland, Atlanta, Iowa, Miami, Berkeley, Boston, and all of these residencies and jobs I'm applying for.
Other interpretation: Return on investments. You will be reaping what you have sown. Excellent omen for finances.
Six of Lovers (What I'm Supposed to Be Learning This Month - lesson of the cycle): This is where it became clear that it wasn't about work. I have choices to make. The choice is between security and risk. And this is a blessing in disguise. I need to do with what feels right. It's decision time. It also says there's an extramarital affair - not sure if this is on my end or the boyfriend's end. But there is a lot of duality, things appearing one way and actually being another. Associated with Gemini. Okay, so that's scary.
Other interpretation: If you are feeling ambivalent, follow your heart. Choose love over fear. Be cautious about mixing business with romance. Bring back LOVE into your life. Re-bond in your current relationship. Partnership in health, work, love and spirituality. You need a guide, a mentor.
Daughter of Swords (Foundation Card - root, the subconscious, my core beliefs): I have an active, curious mind. Maybe people I'm involved with don't take me seriously. I'm outspoken, but still not taken seriously. I should be open to exploring other ideas. I need to stop proving my point. And when this card is paired with the Two of Cups (it is), it refers to marriage. That confused me because it says that my relationship is iffy, but I might be heading towards marriage. Although, if I am looking at this from a work perspective, I might be ready to enter into a professional relationship as well. But am I breaking up with my boyfriend to do that?
Other interpretation: I may be pushing too hard or stepping on other people's toes. I need to step back. As far as work, I need to be humble in interviews yet not put myself down. With love, I need to know when to push and when to lay back. I need to give my partner space. Finances: Don't assume you know more than you do. Don't take on more than you can. Ask for help. Health: Don't over do it. Rest and silence helps. Take it easy. Spirituality: If you think your mind is already open, go further.
Two of Cups (Inverted - last few weeks): There might be problems in the relationship. We've not spending enough time with each other and there's no appreciation of each other's friends or family. I need to be clear about what I want and need from life before I can move forward. Nothing can change the way I want it to until this is resolved. There might be sexual problems. And I might be playing out an old relationship (just received an email meant for the Ex and then forwarded it to him and engaged in a conversation - the first one in years). Doing work in this relationship is work that needs to be done from past lives.
Other interpretation: The card speaks of friendship, romance, joy and sharing. Mainly about romantic relationships, but not always. In regards to work, I may like working a lot less, which is true of the past two weeks because I just finished a project and then went to Portland to hang out with my brother and his family. Trying to have some balance and reach out to my family. In terms of Love, if I am getting this card while there are problems, I might need to forgive and forget and start fresh. Don't carry grudges. In terms of Health, I might need to reach out for help, which means I need healing. In terms of Spirituality, this card is connected to the Heart Chakra and I need to find my bliss and connect to it. No one can do that for me. I liked this reading of the cards much better. Ha.
Priestess of Disks (inverted - How I move though the world): It's a Motherhood card. I need to shower my creations with love. I am an efficient, practical go-getter. I seek practical, tangible solutions. My family is seeking guidance. I don't give myself credit for past accomplishments, therefore no one else is either. I am ambivalent about my relationship. All of those things are true. I am getting better about giving myself credit for my past accomplishments, but if I don't get that straight no one will give me credit. One way I can give myself credit is when I'm interviewing for these jobs and talking about the programs I've set up and what I've accomplished. I need to reiterate and reinforce my power and my accomplishments. I need to nurture myself. I need to shower myself with love, as well as my creations. This is the card that reminds me that in order to merge my self with other people's perceptions of me, I need to focus on the lessons of this card. This card is the bridge.
The other interpretation mentioned that there is a dark haired lady who is likely to play an important role in my life in some way. That could be the woman I've met up at PSU. And I need to express my accomplishments to her, among other people, so she can see it and then so other people can see it. But if today's turn of events are any indication, I've started doing that. I need to do it more.
Four of Cups (Next Couple Weeks): I will be going through old emotions. There is ambivalence and apathy and disconnection. I need to recognize that depression might be more than a passing mood. I need to talk through my issues. I need to get specific about what I want. And I need to take action. This also goes to the core of what is holding me back. As I look at these cards with a few days distance, I see that the tools are right in front of me. I just need to pick them up and use them correctly and with skill and determination.
From the other interpretation: Focus on the now, not what will be. Create a gratitude journal. Count your blessings (this goes back to acknowledging my accomplishments). Focus on what you do have, not what you lack in terms of finances. Be specific, make goals and plans. If I think of my accomplishments as things I am grateful for, focusing on my accomplishments might be easier to do.
Shaman of Wands (inverted - Self Concept, How I feel about myself): Entrepreneur. Self starter. Uses full potential. Relentless drive and energy. Don't cut yourself off emotionally from those closest to you. Self reliant and confident. The fact that it's inverted means that I am not seeing these things which are true, which means that no one can see them either. The cards are talking to each other.
The other interpretation says that there is an older man who will be important to me. And this card in general refers to helpful men. In terms of spirituality, it says I am well on my way as indicated by the card. But that joy and plenty can be spiritual experiences as much as denial and austerity can be. And they're a lot more fun. So I should relax a little and maybe the spiritual growth will happen faster. Also to let go of this idea that I have to deny myself in order to have more spirituality.
Seven of Wands (Hope and Fear Card): Assertive. This is the Writer's Card. It also refers to teaching, lecturing and composing. Self-employment. I need to tie up my loose ends with my past and get on with it. Take the plunge! Strike out on your own. Romance is stifled. There are rivals for the affection of the one I like. I could be putting more energy into being on my own. I am living in fear of living on my own. But again, I need to remember that I've done it before and I can do it again.
Other interpretation: I will come out on top. Things will be going well. Feel the fear, but do it anyway! Don't hesitate to make clear where you stand with people. Your thinking is clear. And you're likely to help someone out by spelling things out for them. This card can indicate that a positive change is coming in your business life or personal life. This card points towards being independent: be self-employed if you've thought about it. Be logical however, if you can be self-employed while being employed somewhere else, do so. I'm definitely thinking about some new ways of teaching the art of dramatic writing and this might be where I am headed. But I also feel that being employed at Universities will help give me some cachet and experience. In terms of Love, speak your mind respectfully. Finances: expect an increase. Spirituality: By facing your fears and turning them into your advantages, you grow even stronger and ready to face the next obstacle in your path (HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION). Indeed, there can be no courage without fear to inspire it. That fear does not need to be your master anymore. Whatever your clear desires are, go for them. Cast your fears aside and go for it!
Two of Wands (Home): Success is imminent. Moving in the right direction. Investment in time, ideas and money will pay off. What is the dream that we both share that we can work on together?
Other interpretation: If you feel things are out of balance, they are about to get substantially better. Remain positive. Keep your eye on the prize. If you are looking for employment, you are about to find the right fit. You're more together and balanced that you realize, work wise. You're about to fit things together in new or unusual ways. Love: Things are about to get more equal. You will be surprised at how you are able to improve your financial situation. Take time to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally. That way you'll be able to help others.
Priestess of Cups (Steps Coming Up): Nurturer. World centers around children. Dreams are a vital source of information.
Other interpretation: Treat yourself with love and respect. Work: literally a woman who will be helpful to you. Financial: Creativity. Reach out to people for the help you need. Spirituality: increase in being in touch with clairvoyant tendencies. Be open to the magical energy of life and the love flowing around you. In regards to health: forgive and send love to your body.
Five of Wands (Argument Card): Sexual competition. Work interfering with relationship. Headed contest: stand your ground. Don't settle for less.
Other interpretation: Competition, usually in the work area. Don't be afraid of competing. Know that you have something to offer and can be successful. Your need to believe in yourself is stronger than ever now. You may be thinking of making a career change. You can do it. Work: Compete well, but play fair. Know that you are capable. Love: the person you love may be pursued by several people. Know that you have done everything you can for this relationship where you heart is involved. Financially: Do what you can. You can't do it all now, but you will soon. Money is coming, within the next few weeks. Spirituality: It's hard to grow spiritually if you're a chicken with you head cut off. Take time to rest, do nothing. Create space for yourself to be quiet and listen to the music of the spheres.
Death (the end of a cycle): Transitions. Permanent change. Transformation. Rebirth. Revitalizing force. Change is required: it will happen regardless of whether you work on it or not. You're afraid of the future. Superficial change is not enough. Metamorphosis awakens you to your immortality.
Other interpretation: Transition and change. A time of deep transformation, inwardly and outwardly. Often what you need to let go of is a self-limiting belief or attitude. Don't try to control this change, just go with it. This time is about change or destruction followed by renewal. Love: You might be frustrated by something not working out. Have a frank and honest conversation and if you or he are unable to change, then it might be time to let it go. Don't beat your head against a wall for very long.
By the end of the reading, I was freaked out and embraced for the worst. Now I am not so much. I want to meet this time of great change, which means great growth. I felt like that when I broke up with my Ex. Everything turned upside down, but everything changed for the better. And if I can survive that, I can surf through this. I can ride the wave and let it take me to the heights of where I need to be. Don't be afraid of the power of change, let it take you far out to where you need to go. This is an area where I can reflect on my past accomplishments and take stock that I can do it again.
http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/twist-spine.html
This was the last reading that took place at the end of August. I realize that I had some hesitation about my relationship back then, which is a bit more pronounced now. I didn't know that I had such strong concerns back then. I think The Drummer was on tour, so maybe that's why I was feeling anxious. But she also spoke about a new working relationship and traveling for work. At the time, we thought it had to do with Alanna. But now that I'm looking at the developments of the past two weeks, I realize that it has to do with an opportunity for me at Portland State, which might bring something else into fruition soon. It involves a new job (possibly) and travel. But there could also be a lot of travel in my future. The cards encouraged me to put myself out there and to seek out new opportunities and to take a risk. I have been applying to a lot of teaching jobs and also play development opportunities. So I feel like I have been doing that. But based on the more recent reading, there's a lot more work to be done.
If I thought the last reading was intense, this took things about forty steps deeper.
Again, Susan and I picked from her deck of personalized intention cards that were made for her. I had a run in with the Ex via email the day before that really was on my mind. Even though I wanted this reading to be about work, my energy was too strong in the personal sector of my life. And this reading leaned toward relationship more than the previous two she had done. So I chose a card:
HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION
What the hell does that mean? The message must be huge because I couldn't digest it right away. And as I discovered with the last reading, the card I pulled (TWIST THE SPINE) kept having reverberations the more that time went on. But what I could come up with in the immediate was that the things I think are mistakes are not. It also goes along with the idea that I keep painting things as negative that aren't. Most of my cards continue to be inverted because I'm blocked. Because I have still so many negative beliefs. Because I'm not honoring my error. I'm not acknowledging that the things I think are holding me back are revealing what I really want. They aren't necessarily the things I want, but I'm not in the place I want to be purely because I have put myself there. And I don't need to be in a bad space. I have everything I want. I am talented and smart and there's no reason I shouldn't be picking and choosing the opportunities and jobs I want and theaters I want to work with and TV shows I want to work on and have them materialize. My desire is as strong as my belief that I don't deserve it. And my belief that I don't deserve it needs to take a back seat. I still believe that I need the negative thought to push myself and I don't. I need to be released from that. It might be time for another cleanse.
As Susan and I tried to figure that out, we decided to start the reading. I cut the cards. They were not jumping out of her hands this time. I think that's because they were heavy with thought. Too weighed down to hop around. And I had a certainty that I wanted to know what they had to say.
The Hanged One (Where I Am Now): I got the Hanged One last time in regards to the lesson of the cycle I am in. Well, now it has moved from the theme of my cycle to directly where I am. I am in the throes of figuring out where I am not. And the Hanged One is telling me desperately that I need to let go of my negative perception. I am confused about my new direction. I am mostly letting go of the choke hold my Hollywood dreams have on me, which is why there has been some movement. But while before I was trying to move through concrete, right now I am trying to move through quicksand. I am in search of a deeper meaning and a purpose in my life but I am still fixed on a rigid idea I have of myself. I don't think I am smart enough to be a University professor or a TV writer or a leader. If I don't get over that, I risk everything because right now it is still alive and waiting for me. It is full and ripe. I need to release ideas and associations that are obsolete. I think these ideas and associations have to do with how I think people perceive me. But there is still no immediate word. And I am tired of waiting. In order to turn my life around, I have to let go of negative beliefs and the feeling for this is VERY STRONG. I am in the middle of my metamorphosis and it is rough. But change is disruptive, and it truly redefines and repositions everything around it. But the only way for things to be different is for this extreme change. It started with my break up three years ago, continued with my Dad's illness and death and now the agents of change are focused directly on my next steps.
Other interpretation: You are at a crossroads with only one way out: yes or no. If you want to do something to change things, but have no idea how to do it, let it go, relax and look at ways to let go of control. Work: Don't take the slow wheels of change personally. Things will change. You need to let go of a vision of a certain type of relationship as the only way you can be happy. It is crucial to let go of any negative, self limiting beliefs.
Seven of Discs (Atmosphere): I need to take stock. I shouldn't be tempted to rest on my laurels, but I should push forward. I need to take a cue from synchronicity. I need to re-evaluate my goals. I also need to be buoyed by past success to charge into the future. I need to remember that I'm the guy who moved from Portland to NYC with $800 bucks in my pocket and nothing else, not even a place to stay for very long. I made major things happen before and I can again. Even despite being forty. I may not be as long as I used to be, but as I've proven, my focus is stronger. I need to remember that day in dance class back in October. I only have to operate as myself and take what I need. I don't need to compare myself to other people or to their journeys. The cards also said that I may opt for an extended leave or a long vacation. That is also tied into what might be happening with Portland, Atlanta, Iowa, Miami, Berkeley, Boston, and all of these residencies and jobs I'm applying for.
Other interpretation: Return on investments. You will be reaping what you have sown. Excellent omen for finances.
Six of Lovers (What I'm Supposed to Be Learning This Month - lesson of the cycle): This is where it became clear that it wasn't about work. I have choices to make. The choice is between security and risk. And this is a blessing in disguise. I need to do with what feels right. It's decision time. It also says there's an extramarital affair - not sure if this is on my end or the boyfriend's end. But there is a lot of duality, things appearing one way and actually being another. Associated with Gemini. Okay, so that's scary.
Other interpretation: If you are feeling ambivalent, follow your heart. Choose love over fear. Be cautious about mixing business with romance. Bring back LOVE into your life. Re-bond in your current relationship. Partnership in health, work, love and spirituality. You need a guide, a mentor.
Daughter of Swords (Foundation Card - root, the subconscious, my core beliefs): I have an active, curious mind. Maybe people I'm involved with don't take me seriously. I'm outspoken, but still not taken seriously. I should be open to exploring other ideas. I need to stop proving my point. And when this card is paired with the Two of Cups (it is), it refers to marriage. That confused me because it says that my relationship is iffy, but I might be heading towards marriage. Although, if I am looking at this from a work perspective, I might be ready to enter into a professional relationship as well. But am I breaking up with my boyfriend to do that?
Other interpretation: I may be pushing too hard or stepping on other people's toes. I need to step back. As far as work, I need to be humble in interviews yet not put myself down. With love, I need to know when to push and when to lay back. I need to give my partner space. Finances: Don't assume you know more than you do. Don't take on more than you can. Ask for help. Health: Don't over do it. Rest and silence helps. Take it easy. Spirituality: If you think your mind is already open, go further.
Two of Cups (Inverted - last few weeks): There might be problems in the relationship. We've not spending enough time with each other and there's no appreciation of each other's friends or family. I need to be clear about what I want and need from life before I can move forward. Nothing can change the way I want it to until this is resolved. There might be sexual problems. And I might be playing out an old relationship (just received an email meant for the Ex and then forwarded it to him and engaged in a conversation - the first one in years). Doing work in this relationship is work that needs to be done from past lives.
Other interpretation: The card speaks of friendship, romance, joy and sharing. Mainly about romantic relationships, but not always. In regards to work, I may like working a lot less, which is true of the past two weeks because I just finished a project and then went to Portland to hang out with my brother and his family. Trying to have some balance and reach out to my family. In terms of Love, if I am getting this card while there are problems, I might need to forgive and forget and start fresh. Don't carry grudges. In terms of Health, I might need to reach out for help, which means I need healing. In terms of Spirituality, this card is connected to the Heart Chakra and I need to find my bliss and connect to it. No one can do that for me. I liked this reading of the cards much better. Ha.
Priestess of Disks (inverted - How I move though the world): It's a Motherhood card. I need to shower my creations with love. I am an efficient, practical go-getter. I seek practical, tangible solutions. My family is seeking guidance. I don't give myself credit for past accomplishments, therefore no one else is either. I am ambivalent about my relationship. All of those things are true. I am getting better about giving myself credit for my past accomplishments, but if I don't get that straight no one will give me credit. One way I can give myself credit is when I'm interviewing for these jobs and talking about the programs I've set up and what I've accomplished. I need to reiterate and reinforce my power and my accomplishments. I need to nurture myself. I need to shower myself with love, as well as my creations. This is the card that reminds me that in order to merge my self with other people's perceptions of me, I need to focus on the lessons of this card. This card is the bridge.
The other interpretation mentioned that there is a dark haired lady who is likely to play an important role in my life in some way. That could be the woman I've met up at PSU. And I need to express my accomplishments to her, among other people, so she can see it and then so other people can see it. But if today's turn of events are any indication, I've started doing that. I need to do it more.
Four of Cups (Next Couple Weeks): I will be going through old emotions. There is ambivalence and apathy and disconnection. I need to recognize that depression might be more than a passing mood. I need to talk through my issues. I need to get specific about what I want. And I need to take action. This also goes to the core of what is holding me back. As I look at these cards with a few days distance, I see that the tools are right in front of me. I just need to pick them up and use them correctly and with skill and determination.
From the other interpretation: Focus on the now, not what will be. Create a gratitude journal. Count your blessings (this goes back to acknowledging my accomplishments). Focus on what you do have, not what you lack in terms of finances. Be specific, make goals and plans. If I think of my accomplishments as things I am grateful for, focusing on my accomplishments might be easier to do.
Shaman of Wands (inverted - Self Concept, How I feel about myself): Entrepreneur. Self starter. Uses full potential. Relentless drive and energy. Don't cut yourself off emotionally from those closest to you. Self reliant and confident. The fact that it's inverted means that I am not seeing these things which are true, which means that no one can see them either. The cards are talking to each other.
The other interpretation says that there is an older man who will be important to me. And this card in general refers to helpful men. In terms of spirituality, it says I am well on my way as indicated by the card. But that joy and plenty can be spiritual experiences as much as denial and austerity can be. And they're a lot more fun. So I should relax a little and maybe the spiritual growth will happen faster. Also to let go of this idea that I have to deny myself in order to have more spirituality.
Seven of Wands (Hope and Fear Card): Assertive. This is the Writer's Card. It also refers to teaching, lecturing and composing. Self-employment. I need to tie up my loose ends with my past and get on with it. Take the plunge! Strike out on your own. Romance is stifled. There are rivals for the affection of the one I like. I could be putting more energy into being on my own. I am living in fear of living on my own. But again, I need to remember that I've done it before and I can do it again.
Other interpretation: I will come out on top. Things will be going well. Feel the fear, but do it anyway! Don't hesitate to make clear where you stand with people. Your thinking is clear. And you're likely to help someone out by spelling things out for them. This card can indicate that a positive change is coming in your business life or personal life. This card points towards being independent: be self-employed if you've thought about it. Be logical however, if you can be self-employed while being employed somewhere else, do so. I'm definitely thinking about some new ways of teaching the art of dramatic writing and this might be where I am headed. But I also feel that being employed at Universities will help give me some cachet and experience. In terms of Love, speak your mind respectfully. Finances: expect an increase. Spirituality: By facing your fears and turning them into your advantages, you grow even stronger and ready to face the next obstacle in your path (HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION). Indeed, there can be no courage without fear to inspire it. That fear does not need to be your master anymore. Whatever your clear desires are, go for them. Cast your fears aside and go for it!
Two of Wands (Home): Success is imminent. Moving in the right direction. Investment in time, ideas and money will pay off. What is the dream that we both share that we can work on together?
Other interpretation: If you feel things are out of balance, they are about to get substantially better. Remain positive. Keep your eye on the prize. If you are looking for employment, you are about to find the right fit. You're more together and balanced that you realize, work wise. You're about to fit things together in new or unusual ways. Love: Things are about to get more equal. You will be surprised at how you are able to improve your financial situation. Take time to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally. That way you'll be able to help others.
Priestess of Cups (Steps Coming Up): Nurturer. World centers around children. Dreams are a vital source of information.
Other interpretation: Treat yourself with love and respect. Work: literally a woman who will be helpful to you. Financial: Creativity. Reach out to people for the help you need. Spirituality: increase in being in touch with clairvoyant tendencies. Be open to the magical energy of life and the love flowing around you. In regards to health: forgive and send love to your body.
Five of Wands (Argument Card): Sexual competition. Work interfering with relationship. Headed contest: stand your ground. Don't settle for less.
Other interpretation: Competition, usually in the work area. Don't be afraid of competing. Know that you have something to offer and can be successful. Your need to believe in yourself is stronger than ever now. You may be thinking of making a career change. You can do it. Work: Compete well, but play fair. Know that you are capable. Love: the person you love may be pursued by several people. Know that you have done everything you can for this relationship where you heart is involved. Financially: Do what you can. You can't do it all now, but you will soon. Money is coming, within the next few weeks. Spirituality: It's hard to grow spiritually if you're a chicken with you head cut off. Take time to rest, do nothing. Create space for yourself to be quiet and listen to the music of the spheres.
Death (the end of a cycle): Transitions. Permanent change. Transformation. Rebirth. Revitalizing force. Change is required: it will happen regardless of whether you work on it or not. You're afraid of the future. Superficial change is not enough. Metamorphosis awakens you to your immortality.
Other interpretation: Transition and change. A time of deep transformation, inwardly and outwardly. Often what you need to let go of is a self-limiting belief or attitude. Don't try to control this change, just go with it. This time is about change or destruction followed by renewal. Love: You might be frustrated by something not working out. Have a frank and honest conversation and if you or he are unable to change, then it might be time to let it go. Don't beat your head against a wall for very long.
By the end of the reading, I was freaked out and embraced for the worst. Now I am not so much. I want to meet this time of great change, which means great growth. I felt like that when I broke up with my Ex. Everything turned upside down, but everything changed for the better. And if I can survive that, I can surf through this. I can ride the wave and let it take me to the heights of where I need to be. Don't be afraid of the power of change, let it take you far out to where you need to go. This is an area where I can reflect on my past accomplishments and take stock that I can do it again.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Dying Regrets
My Dad passed away last July and I think about him every day. My family and I talk a lot about the things he could have done and would have done had he lived. I came across this article on Facebook and a lot of it rang true to me.
http://www.trueactivist.com/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/
I think my Dad had a lot of these regrets. Something I've learned in the 16 months he's been gone is that I need to change things in my life now so I don't end up sick and dying in bed at least 20 years ahead of my time. Here are the points the author makes and how I've changed my life since my Dad's death.
1. I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not to the life others expected of me. I think I'm doing that now. For so long, I felt like I had to live my life a certain way. Responsibly. Being responsible has so many connotations that aren't all positive. I was raised to be a responsible person. But some of that had to do with expectations, not with what I wanted out of life. I went to private schools my whole life and have done very well academically. I have held down responsible jobs and now I'm at a point in my life where I want to focus primarily on my writing. The idea of living responsibility has a lot to do with being financially stable. I don't dispute that. But one can also live a life of their own design and still be responsible in every way. I'm embarking on a new adventure as a freelancer. It's frightening, but I don't want to be held down to a normal nine to five. I want to teach. I am not closed off to the idea of a stable job with benefits at all. Teaching would be that for me. But I don't want to just settle in one place for the sake of security. I don't want to stop taking risks. Sometimes standing on your own and following your gut is a lonely place. But I want happiness out of my life. I don't want to hate what I do for a living. And in order to change things around, I have to start approaching life differently. I write every day and I trust that the Universe will send opportunities my way. I'm opening myself up in a new, trusting way that I've never embraced before. It's the scariest thing ever. But it's the most liberating thing ever, too.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard. Well, this is completely contrary to the way I was raised. But I know as a kid my Dad wasn't around a lot. I have had a freer schedule in the past two and a half years, including the time when I was taking care of my Dad most of the time. I have to say that because I wasn't working a 60 hour work week (40 hour work weeks don't exist in entertainment), I didn't miss any of it. I was there to feed my Dad, administer his medication, consult with his nurses and make his transition as peaceful and dignified as possible. I didn't work so hard at things I hated, which meant that I didn't miss out. Hard work and commitment is one thing. But laboring over something to where you miss out on life is another. I have done without a lot because I've been on unemployment. But I have never been happier. And now, when work starts coming in more regularly, I will know how to manage that in my life too. I will know exactly what I need to survive and the rest I can let go of because I'm not going to work myself to the bone on something I hate doing just to acquire stuff. I want to acquire stuff my doing what I love and doing it until my hands bleed.
3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. Never had a problem with that. I was an effusive, emotional kid from the womb. I express my feelings so that I can be aware of how I feel at all times.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. I don't have a huge posse, but I have friends who are close to my that I care about greatly. And those people I make sure I keep in touch with constantly. I try to keep people in my life, not get rid of them if I can help it.
5. I wish I had let myself be happier. Happiness is the key. So is kindness. And I try to surround myself with both all the time. If you live the life you want, express yourself and have good friends to share it with you are allowing yourself to be happier. I like visiting my brother and his family in Portland. I like eating. I like spending time with my boyfriend. All of these things can be done for a lot or a little money. So there's no excuse to spend time with the people you love.
I also started eating healthier. I exercise a lot more. And I rest a lot more. I try to give my body a break so I can continue to enjoy it for a long, long time to come. And I hope I don't lay on my death bed feeling any of these regrets because I will have completed my journey and I'll be ready for the next adventure.
http://www.trueactivist.com/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/
I think my Dad had a lot of these regrets. Something I've learned in the 16 months he's been gone is that I need to change things in my life now so I don't end up sick and dying in bed at least 20 years ahead of my time. Here are the points the author makes and how I've changed my life since my Dad's death.
1. I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not to the life others expected of me. I think I'm doing that now. For so long, I felt like I had to live my life a certain way. Responsibly. Being responsible has so many connotations that aren't all positive. I was raised to be a responsible person. But some of that had to do with expectations, not with what I wanted out of life. I went to private schools my whole life and have done very well academically. I have held down responsible jobs and now I'm at a point in my life where I want to focus primarily on my writing. The idea of living responsibility has a lot to do with being financially stable. I don't dispute that. But one can also live a life of their own design and still be responsible in every way. I'm embarking on a new adventure as a freelancer. It's frightening, but I don't want to be held down to a normal nine to five. I want to teach. I am not closed off to the idea of a stable job with benefits at all. Teaching would be that for me. But I don't want to just settle in one place for the sake of security. I don't want to stop taking risks. Sometimes standing on your own and following your gut is a lonely place. But I want happiness out of my life. I don't want to hate what I do for a living. And in order to change things around, I have to start approaching life differently. I write every day and I trust that the Universe will send opportunities my way. I'm opening myself up in a new, trusting way that I've never embraced before. It's the scariest thing ever. But it's the most liberating thing ever, too.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard. Well, this is completely contrary to the way I was raised. But I know as a kid my Dad wasn't around a lot. I have had a freer schedule in the past two and a half years, including the time when I was taking care of my Dad most of the time. I have to say that because I wasn't working a 60 hour work week (40 hour work weeks don't exist in entertainment), I didn't miss any of it. I was there to feed my Dad, administer his medication, consult with his nurses and make his transition as peaceful and dignified as possible. I didn't work so hard at things I hated, which meant that I didn't miss out. Hard work and commitment is one thing. But laboring over something to where you miss out on life is another. I have done without a lot because I've been on unemployment. But I have never been happier. And now, when work starts coming in more regularly, I will know how to manage that in my life too. I will know exactly what I need to survive and the rest I can let go of because I'm not going to work myself to the bone on something I hate doing just to acquire stuff. I want to acquire stuff my doing what I love and doing it until my hands bleed.
3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. Never had a problem with that. I was an effusive, emotional kid from the womb. I express my feelings so that I can be aware of how I feel at all times.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. I don't have a huge posse, but I have friends who are close to my that I care about greatly. And those people I make sure I keep in touch with constantly. I try to keep people in my life, not get rid of them if I can help it.
5. I wish I had let myself be happier. Happiness is the key. So is kindness. And I try to surround myself with both all the time. If you live the life you want, express yourself and have good friends to share it with you are allowing yourself to be happier. I like visiting my brother and his family in Portland. I like eating. I like spending time with my boyfriend. All of these things can be done for a lot or a little money. So there's no excuse to spend time with the people you love.
I also started eating healthier. I exercise a lot more. And I rest a lot more. I try to give my body a break so I can continue to enjoy it for a long, long time to come. And I hope I don't lay on my death bed feeling any of these regrets because I will have completed my journey and I'll be ready for the next adventure.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Grieving in Real Time
My Dad died last year and I have often thought about how I would deal with that in my writing. At one time, I had thought about writing a play about the family who is around when someone is dying. Complete with cockroaches, which we had a complete infestation of during the time my Dad was dying at home. It seems like an impossible task.
But Luis Alfaro wrote a one-man show about it less than a year after his Dad died. It's called St. Jude, after the hospital he was in here in LA. And this is not a review, so that's as much recap as I'm getting into here. The bravery that Luis showed in this one man performance was so great and captivating. It was a raw experience and also conversational, fun and entertaining.
I have no idea how he did that. He got on stage and bared his soul. He's still grieving, but he actively shared his grieving with us. It was remarkable because it wasn't acting at all. It was pure sharing and exposure.
I like to write about things I have experienced or feel or have a close relationship to. And some people have accused me of oversharing on my blogs (not on this one...yet). But I can't imagine talking about how my Dad died with a group of strangers. Especially when I'm still processing it. It has been over a year and I'm still processing. But I get the instinct because part of me wanted to start writing a play about it as it was happening. For someone who writes to make sense of his world, this made a world of sense to me.
I love theatre when it's really alive. When it follows that campfire storytelling tradition and when the writer/performer is telling you something he really thinks you need to know for continuing on the journey of life. I have relatives like that who, when they are talking to you, are looking directly into your soul and giving you a tool for the arsenal.
I got to meet him after the show. We're both Latino playwrights, but have never met. My friend Kelly introduced us because she felt we should know each other. And I'm glad she did. He's from the same neck of the woods I'm from. He knows my hometown very well. It was just a good share. Like in AA or Al-Anon. "Good share, pal. Good share."
I'm still thinking about it today because I was in awe of it. It was so simple. It was so pure. It was the right amount of everything. We put so many bells and whistles onto things because maybe we're scared of sharing. Maybe we're scared that we won't be enough. But it was a moment in that theatre where Luis was testifying that it was enough to share what had happened to him and how his father's death had an impact. It wasn't manipulative at all. That might have been the most impressive part of all.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Things I Never Thought I Would Be Grateful For
Growing up, I had a descent amount of resentment towards my Dad, which is well documented in this blog and has been over the almost three years I have been keeping it. And I had several people tell me over the years that I should be grateful because my Dad took care of us and worked hard to help send me to school, etc. But he didn't seem to be satisfied with me and eventually I decided to be mad at him because if he was going to hurt me, I was going to hurt him right back.
Then he got sick and died within a year. And as I have written here, my attitude about my Dad changed. And it continues to change.
I found out that my Uncle Donald died a few days ago. My Uncle Donald was married for 53 years to my Auntie Judy, who is my Dad's sister. I admittedly don't know her very well because my Dad and his sister weren't what I would consider close. It occurs to me now that it's really a miracle that my brother and I are so close because neither my Dad nor my Mom were very close to their respective siblings. My Mom and her brother act close because that what siblings do and they are connected, but they are polar opposites. So my Uncle Donald dies and I decide to call my Auntie Judy yesterday, which is the day after he died.
I could hear her pain on the phone. She was completely broken up. How could she not be? But the shocking thing was that she was alone. She has a son who lives close to her, but he was just checking in by phone to see how she was. And her other son, would come by in a few weeks when his brother goes out of town for work. But not a moment sooner. And she has a daughter who is completely estranged from the family. I couldn't believe it.
I thought back on my Mom and the days after my Dad died. We were there. He didn't die suddenly, like my Uncle Donald did. But my Mom and I were together. My brother was in Portland with his family. He had been to visit my Dad several times during his sickness and they had their final words together. Plus my brother and my Dad were close my brother's whole life. They had a bond and my brother understood my Dad better than anyone. But Mom and I had been there nursing him and we made sure he knew he was loved. And after he died, I wanted to make sure my Mom was all right. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. When my Dad got sick, I had made the decision that my life was going to be about taking care of my Dad, however long that took. I just knew. And I don't know if my cousins would have made the same decision.
The crazy thing is that my Uncle and my Dad were from a similar mindset in some ways. They wanted to make sure their kids worked for everything and didn't get any handouts. My mother understood that parents needed to help their kids with their education if they were going to do anything with their lives. So she's largely responsible for our education. My Dad was on board with education, but I think that he would have let finances totally dictate his decisions and cloud his better judgment if it weren't for my Mom.
My brother got to see Uncle Donald one last time in May when he was in Honolulu for a conference and my Aunt and Uncle were visiting my Cousin Danton. My brother's an impressive dude. He's a scientist. He was in town for a conference. And he's just a smart, solid guy. When my brother left after his visit with the family, my Uncle remarked that my parents should be proud of their two sons and that he was proud of us as his nephews.
See, I had a conversation with my Uncle right after my Dad died. We talked about my Dad. We talked about my Grandfather knowing I was gay even as a two or three year old. It was the first adult conversation we had ever had. It made an impression. My parents raised two sons who are assertive, one by nature and one had to learn to be. They are confident in who they are. And they are experts in what they do. We are exactly the sons my Dad wanted. My Father initially wasn't thrilled with my being gay because he didn't want me to get hurt. He didn't want me to talk about it because he didn't want me to put myself in the line of fire. But I had been in the line of fire for years. And I think Dad liked the fact that I had a big "fuck you" for a lot of people who didn't approve. I didn't give a shit. He loved that defiance. I think he thought of himself as a defiant person, although I think he went along with the status quo more than he wanted to admit. He wanted that courage and I had that. I had that more than my brother because my brother didn't have a lot of opposition growing up. But all of that went into the conversation with my Uncle that day. It was the first time I had talked to him in over 30 years and the last conversation we had together. I had heard that he wasn't a supportive father.
That's horrible. But I did have a father who was supportive. In ways I didn't realize until he was gone.
Then he got sick and died within a year. And as I have written here, my attitude about my Dad changed. And it continues to change.
I found out that my Uncle Donald died a few days ago. My Uncle Donald was married for 53 years to my Auntie Judy, who is my Dad's sister. I admittedly don't know her very well because my Dad and his sister weren't what I would consider close. It occurs to me now that it's really a miracle that my brother and I are so close because neither my Dad nor my Mom were very close to their respective siblings. My Mom and her brother act close because that what siblings do and they are connected, but they are polar opposites. So my Uncle Donald dies and I decide to call my Auntie Judy yesterday, which is the day after he died.
I could hear her pain on the phone. She was completely broken up. How could she not be? But the shocking thing was that she was alone. She has a son who lives close to her, but he was just checking in by phone to see how she was. And her other son, would come by in a few weeks when his brother goes out of town for work. But not a moment sooner. And she has a daughter who is completely estranged from the family. I couldn't believe it.
I thought back on my Mom and the days after my Dad died. We were there. He didn't die suddenly, like my Uncle Donald did. But my Mom and I were together. My brother was in Portland with his family. He had been to visit my Dad several times during his sickness and they had their final words together. Plus my brother and my Dad were close my brother's whole life. They had a bond and my brother understood my Dad better than anyone. But Mom and I had been there nursing him and we made sure he knew he was loved. And after he died, I wanted to make sure my Mom was all right. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. When my Dad got sick, I had made the decision that my life was going to be about taking care of my Dad, however long that took. I just knew. And I don't know if my cousins would have made the same decision.
The crazy thing is that my Uncle and my Dad were from a similar mindset in some ways. They wanted to make sure their kids worked for everything and didn't get any handouts. My mother understood that parents needed to help their kids with their education if they were going to do anything with their lives. So she's largely responsible for our education. My Dad was on board with education, but I think that he would have let finances totally dictate his decisions and cloud his better judgment if it weren't for my Mom.
My brother got to see Uncle Donald one last time in May when he was in Honolulu for a conference and my Aunt and Uncle were visiting my Cousin Danton. My brother's an impressive dude. He's a scientist. He was in town for a conference. And he's just a smart, solid guy. When my brother left after his visit with the family, my Uncle remarked that my parents should be proud of their two sons and that he was proud of us as his nephews.
See, I had a conversation with my Uncle right after my Dad died. We talked about my Dad. We talked about my Grandfather knowing I was gay even as a two or three year old. It was the first adult conversation we had ever had. It made an impression. My parents raised two sons who are assertive, one by nature and one had to learn to be. They are confident in who they are. And they are experts in what they do. We are exactly the sons my Dad wanted. My Father initially wasn't thrilled with my being gay because he didn't want me to get hurt. He didn't want me to talk about it because he didn't want me to put myself in the line of fire. But I had been in the line of fire for years. And I think Dad liked the fact that I had a big "fuck you" for a lot of people who didn't approve. I didn't give a shit. He loved that defiance. I think he thought of himself as a defiant person, although I think he went along with the status quo more than he wanted to admit. He wanted that courage and I had that. I had that more than my brother because my brother didn't have a lot of opposition growing up. But all of that went into the conversation with my Uncle that day. It was the first time I had talked to him in over 30 years and the last conversation we had together. I had heard that he wasn't a supportive father.
That's horrible. But I did have a father who was supportive. In ways I didn't realize until he was gone.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Turn It Around
We all have negative thoughts that hold us back. And most negative thoughts don't feel or sound like negative thoughts because we just think we're holding ourselves accountable or pushing ourselves. Most of my negative thoughts are cleverly hidden because I am a writer and I know how to trick myself into and out of any way of thinking. When you've got the gift of the written word, you're a master of deception. And sometimes that includes self-deception.
In my tarot reading, we talked about negative thoughts that are holding us back. And so I'm here to release those negative thoughts:
Today, I release all of that and instead will adopt a new way of thinking.
If my father's death has taught me anything, it is to look at things 180 degrees from the way I looked at them before. Invert the thought. Twist the spine.
Twisting the spine also means that I can turn things around 180 degrees. Wow. That's a thought.
In my tarot reading, we talked about negative thoughts that are holding us back. And so I'm here to release those negative thoughts:
- The belief that if I stop beating myself up, I will stop working as hard for things.
- The belief that I'm not ready to be a successful writer because I haven't done enough, worked hard enough or because I don't know enough.
- The belief that because others have achieved what I want that they are smarter, better, and more able than I am. Therefore, of course I don't deserve any of what I want because I'm not good enough.
- The belief that I have to be old before any of my work sees the light of day or any of my financial success comes. Because somehow being old means that you've earned it.
- The belief that you have to earn it and that earning it means doing this for 20-plus years and going through and mastering every single step along the way.
- The belief that success is supposed to take along time in order to mean anything.
- The belief that life is supposed to be fair and that nothing can come to be until there is balance and fairness.
- The belief that fast money and fast success mean less.
- The belief that waiting makes success better.
- The belief that being a starving artist somehow makes my work better and my life more noble.
- The belief that my Mother needs me to tell her what to do, otherwise her life will fall apart, she will be destitute and will descend into a world of sadness.
Today, I release all of that and instead will adopt a new way of thinking.
- I can achieve more by being good to myself
- I am my own best friend.
- I am ready and have been ready to be a successful writer whose work is published, whose work is well compensated and who is an expert on his craft and is called upon to share his expertise and life experience with others.
- Now is the time for all of this to happen.
- What has happened to other people has nothing to do with me. I am on my own path and so are they. There is no correlation.
- I am better for my life experience, but another thing I need to experience is financial and creative success.
- If I write and learn and do things every day to move forward, that is a success. And I can have that success on a daily basis.
- I only need to validate and love myself.
- The path is as short or as long as I choose it to be.
- Life is not fair.
- Fairness is not my responsibility.
- Money is energy, not just profit. It doesn't hold anything negative except what I choose to put on it. So fast or slow, easy or hard, it is all good as long as I am all good in my relationship to it.
- What other do or say about me or how they live their lives is none of my business.
- My financial success can be huge and epic, but it doesn't define me. So I don't have to keep it small to be more honorable. I can live large and still be on a spiritual path because it doesn't define me. More money, more problems if I define myself by how much money I have or how much money I don't have. But I can be a billionaire and be a complete human being. But that is a choice.
- My life experience can be as big and epic as a I want it to be. It can take me anywhere I choose for it to take me.
- My life experience is based on perception, my own way of thinking. I have the dial to control how much the volume is turned up in my life.
If my father's death has taught me anything, it is to look at things 180 degrees from the way I looked at them before. Invert the thought. Twist the spine.
Twisting the spine also means that I can turn things around 180 degrees. Wow. That's a thought.
The Plan
The plan is:
To get an agent by October.
To get this pilot FUSION sold by October.
To make The Snake Charmer reading brilliant and to put together the Open reading by October.
To get The Snake Charmer produced by Rogue Machine.
To self produce Open by Winter 2014.
To win the Clubbed Thumb Commission 2014 and get the $15K and continue to freelance.
To go to Austin to work with Alanna on these sketches.
To go to Portland to work on this MFA proposal.
To get I WANT IT produced by Portland Center Stage.
That's my plan. And I'm working on it. Through actions and intentions.
To get an agent by October.
To get this pilot FUSION sold by October.
To make The Snake Charmer reading brilliant and to put together the Open reading by October.
To get The Snake Charmer produced by Rogue Machine.
To self produce Open by Winter 2014.
To win the Clubbed Thumb Commission 2014 and get the $15K and continue to freelance.
To go to Austin to work with Alanna on these sketches.
To go to Portland to work on this MFA proposal.
To get I WANT IT produced by Portland Center Stage.
That's my plan. And I'm working on it. Through actions and intentions.
Friday, August 30, 2013
I Don't Believe
One of the things that came up during the reading last night was that I don't believe I deserve success. It is there for me, waiting. Everything I could possibly want is there and available to me. But I don't believe I deserve it.
Why?
It's easier for me to live other people's lives instead of focus on my own. Susan said that. I agree. I have lived in fear that I would live other people's lives like my Mom did. And I'm doing it. The Drummer is a lot different than the Ex in terms of how wonderful and nice he is. But with The Drummer I don't always know where I stand. I think he's so concerned with people thinking he's the good guy and the right guy that he's not always the honest guy. With the Ex, as crazy and abusive as he was, I always knew where I stood. Same thing about my Dad.
So I took all of my Dad issues and addressed them. But now I've got Mom issues that have laid dormant and I need to address those because they affect me with both Mom and the Drummer. I can't be afraid any more that if I stop running Mom's life she's going to fall apart. I have to let her run her life. And if my brother wants to run her life for her, I need to let him do that. But I have to go run my life now. I have to make the success that is waiting to happen come to fruition.
I used to believe that I wasn't ready.
I used to believe that I needed more time.
I used to believe that I needed more information.
I'm coming out of that now. I know things. I am ready for every bit of success that has crossed my mind over the past 40 years. And I don't have to do anything different. I just need to see myself differently.
This hibernation or time out or hiatus or whatever we're going to call it is a cleansing. I have a pilot that I'm writing now that could see tomorrow and should sell tomorrow. The stuff I'm working on with Alanna is good and we need to work on it.
I'm going to the studio today for her taping. I'm going with Susan to an awards ceremony in September. I need to be out and about more to meet folks.
I have to put my plan into action. It's there for me. I know it. The cards know it. Susan knows it. Alanna knows it. Now it needs to be made public and I can't be afraid of that.
Why?
It's easier for me to live other people's lives instead of focus on my own. Susan said that. I agree. I have lived in fear that I would live other people's lives like my Mom did. And I'm doing it. The Drummer is a lot different than the Ex in terms of how wonderful and nice he is. But with The Drummer I don't always know where I stand. I think he's so concerned with people thinking he's the good guy and the right guy that he's not always the honest guy. With the Ex, as crazy and abusive as he was, I always knew where I stood. Same thing about my Dad.
So I took all of my Dad issues and addressed them. But now I've got Mom issues that have laid dormant and I need to address those because they affect me with both Mom and the Drummer. I can't be afraid any more that if I stop running Mom's life she's going to fall apart. I have to let her run her life. And if my brother wants to run her life for her, I need to let him do that. But I have to go run my life now. I have to make the success that is waiting to happen come to fruition.
I used to believe that I wasn't ready.
I used to believe that I needed more time.
I used to believe that I needed more information.
I'm coming out of that now. I know things. I am ready for every bit of success that has crossed my mind over the past 40 years. And I don't have to do anything different. I just need to see myself differently.
This hibernation or time out or hiatus or whatever we're going to call it is a cleansing. I have a pilot that I'm writing now that could see tomorrow and should sell tomorrow. The stuff I'm working on with Alanna is good and we need to work on it.
I'm going to the studio today for her taping. I'm going with Susan to an awards ceremony in September. I need to be out and about more to meet folks.
I have to put my plan into action. It's there for me. I know it. The cards know it. Susan knows it. Alanna knows it. Now it needs to be made public and I can't be afraid of that.
Twist the Spine
Another tarot card reading. I have to say that it's pretty splendid that my friend Susan does these readings with me. It's incredibly generous and wonderful. I'm really lucky to have a friend that wants to open up these doors for me.
I had an incredible amount of energy and openness going into this reading. And from what came out of it, I can see that it had an effect.
Susan had me first pick out a card from a deck of cards a friend made for her. My card read:
TWIST THE SPINE
We looked at each other, trying to figure out what that could possibly mean. It certainly means to turn around and look at what's happening around you. It means that not everything can be seen from one vantage point. But I also think it means that my spine is my alignment and my foundation and although I shouldn't break my back, I should twist my perspective. More on this as the reading continues.
I had to cut the cards a few times because the cards kept jumping out of Susan's hands. Or I would cut and it would be a cut where more cards would fall out. The cards were definitely jumping at the chance to speak. They had a lot to say. And it was all right on.
5 of Wands (where I am): this card said that others want what I have, they want to be where I am. It also says that my boyfriend and I don't feel like we have enough time together to connect because of work. I definitely feel this way, in terms of not having enough time with my boyfriend. I feel like we aren't totally connected right now because we're both working hard. He's working on his music and I'm working on my writing and we're trying to be focused on that. But we aren't making time for one another. And I didn't immediately feel that others want what I have. I have been dealing with a lot of jealousy lately, so I kind of feel the opposite. But this is another card that is letting me know what my experience of what things are isn't what they are. I don't get that I'm in a coveted position of being someone who has actually made traction in Hollywood. I'm always the person who feels like a failure. This card is a reminder that others want what I have and I need to be protective of my position. And I do have a position.
Page (Daughter) of Cups (atmosphere): I'm at the right place at the right time. There are new ideas around me. Not much to say about this. I like it. And I do have that sense that I'm exactly where I should be and based on my last reading, I'm trying to do things in new ways. I'm trying to change the patterns in my life. NOTE: Aspects of this reading are the same as the last one, which means I'm still working things through.
Hanged Man (lesson of the cycle I'm in): I need to change my perception of the way things are and let go of negative beliefs. At this point in the reading, I know that's true. But I don't know what those negative beliefs are. I feel like I'm positively trying to move forward. I agree with what's being said, so I decide to keep listening.
Justice (foundation card): I have a sense of fairness. I'm weighing all of the factors. My role is to keep harmony in the family. But what happens when you give that up? Even though you want life to be fair, it isn't fair and I don't need to bear the burden of trying to make it that way. This is in regards to both my Mom and my boyfriend, who are the same person. This is where it got deep. This card is about deep seated beliefs that I hold. It's about my deep past, not just about certain beliefs I have. But this is fundamental stuff. And this is the point in the reading where we really took time to talk. Just as I said one card ago that I didn't know what the negative beliefs in my life are that are holding me back...this is where it gets clear. I do believe it's my role in the family to correct everyone's wrongs and make sure that things work out for them. I have guilt about so many things working out well for me for a large portion of my life that I am trying to reset everyone else. But as Susan reminded me, I spend so much time trying to correct everyone else and make things fair for them, that I don't have any time for myself. I can't change my mom or my boyfriend for that matter. I can't make things right for them. I can only do that for myself. My mom will never change. She's incapable of it. But I can still evolve and grow. Somehow I got in my head that if I fix things for her, that will affect me in a positive way. My brother even said it recently. If we get mom's finances together, then we won't have to take care of her when we get old. But Susan went even deeper. We're like siamese twins who need to separate, but we keep sharing the same body, so when she takes bad things into her body, it affects me and vise versa. So I need to stop trying to fix my Mom. I need to work on the things I can change in my own life. The same goes for my boyfriend and for his relationship to his parents and his radio show. I need to stop trying to make everything perfect for him so that there's harmony. Sometimes there is discord and that is fine. Everything does not need to be balanced and fair. And who am I to change that for someone else. This card got crazy deep and I had to take a few deep breaths because just as my Mom might not be capable of change, that might be true of my boyfriend. The cards weren't telling me to end things or even suggesting that, but it confirmed certain feelings I've had lately. Going deeper...
9 of Disks (last two weeks): Thought one: I am my own best friend. Thought two: there's a new partnership which is going to prove to be fruitful. I'm writing some sketches with my best friend and things are turning out beautifully. There's something to this new working relationship. Susan liked the whole "You are your own best friend" aspect. So do I. What does it mean to be my own best friend? I'm the one who is going to take the best care of myself. So I need to be good to myself because that's what a best friend would do. Patience. Kindness. Tough love when needed. And even though I'm writing with my best friend, I need to remember that ultimately...I am my own best friend.
6 of Wands (personality/how you are in the world): Victory. You need to have a twist, a change of thought. I think this card might have been inverted. There was a lot of this in the cards. Feelings of being blocked and held back. But the victory is there. Everything is there for me. I just need to stop the negative thoughts and actively pursue positive thinking. I just had a thought. I've been reading Robert Altman's oral biography for a play I'm writing. And everyone keeps saying that he was so positive that he constantly made people feel like they could do anything. I need to do this for myself. One of the cards indicated an older male influence. It might be Bob Altman from the dead. I love that.
2 of Swords (next two weeks): I will reach a literal fork in the road. I'm at a crossroads. Yep. I feel that. And I've feared that was coming.
5 of Disks (how you feel about yourself): You've reached an impass. You're freelancing. You're unemployed and there's a lot of self doubt. You aren't really suffering, but you are accustomed to feeling like you are. Wow this one kind of hit me hard too. I am accustomed to feeling like I'm suffering. And part of me right now knows that I'm not. But part of me is continuing down that negative path of pushing myself into negative thoughts so I can feel great when things work out. That's a negative way of thinking. I'm only blocked because I tell myself I'm blocked. Susan noticed that there aren't any actions I need to do differently. It's all mindset. And it is as easy as I choose it to be.
Emperor (hope and fear card): This is a card in the major arcana. So the hopes and fears that are acknowledged in this card are real and not imagined. Sense of order. Something to do with bosses, fathers, government, authority. There's an authority figure that's important here. I need to organize my cluster of root beliefs into my consciousness. Visualize. Put work plans into action. My organizational actions will be recognized by an older man. NEW YORK also flashed into Susan's head. When she said New York, I got chills. I always have a feeling that New York is still with me. Susan felt like someone was speaking through her. I had talked before the reading began that I was thinking of seeing a psychic to try to communicate with my Dad. So when she said New York, I thought that maybe he was there to acknowledge that New York was where I always seemed most like myself. And he knew that. I'm taking this to mean that I have real concerns about whether or not things are going to happen for me. And that's real. But I need to put my thoughts and actions into real practice so that those efforts will go noticed by someone with real authority to affect change in my life. Whatever this card is about seems very strong.
4 of Swords (home): This card was also inverted. Taking a time out. It's the card of incarceration. So I'm feeling trapped and imprisoned by something. I need to take time to convalesce. The fact that it's inverted means that I'm not acknowledging my isolation. It's true. I'm feeling distant from my relationship and I refuse to acknowledge it. I don't really have a place that's truly my own right now. I need to have peace and home within myself. And I need to recognize my isolation and confront it.
9 of Swords (next few weeks): I will have worry and anxiety. Fears run rampant. There is mutual anguish. But it's not as bad as I think. I need to meet the shadows of my problems head on. This sounds dark. But I need to do it. Go through the black forest to get to the other side. It's weighing heavily on me. All of these fears that I have about my relationship and being isolated I need to confront.
2 of Wands (next step): There's a working partnership. There is travel connected with work. Susan thinks this is connected to my work with Alanna. She's going to be in Austin for a few weeks and we're supposed to Skype to work on this project together. But Susan thinks that maybe I should try and see if Alanna will bring me out to Austin to work with her. Interestingly enough, I've always wanted to be there. And the Rude Mechs, who I love, work there. I could maybe go check out there work space. Working on sketches with Alanna in Austin. I want that.
Ace of Disks (birth of something new): There will be positive rewards for hard work. Material gain. Prosperity. Don't be afraid to initiate a plan that seems risky. Something new arises. Career change. New Job. Right place at the right time. This now seems eerie. The right place/right time thing comes up again as it did with the Page of Cups in regards to my atmosphere. Don't be afraid to initiate a plan that seems risky feels like the Alanna thing again. Could there be something for me in this travel? On this trip? Work opportunities in Austin?
High Priestess: (indicates the end of a cycle - in a big way) Something in my life is hidden. Trust my intuition. My detachment about romance allows me to focus energy elsewhere. What could be hidden could do with my relationship. I need to trust myself. And because I can compartmentalize, I am able to focus my energy in places that are productive.
It was an intense reading all around. Much more intense than my last one. Susan and I were both exhausted. We both felt like last time it spoke of everything being stuck, stalled, in limbo, on hold. There's a lot of this here as well. But there are indications that the foundation is starting to shift a bit. TWIST THE SPINE. Meaning, there is a twist in the spine, in my foundation. I no longer have to be so rigid, so fixed. And I'm a pretty rigid person in general. I need to start twisting. And coincidentally, I have physically been twisting my spine a lot lately. Literally. A clear message is there ever was one.
I'm not just going to look at things exactly the way I have been. And I can't if I want to grow. I will continue to be stuck until I decided to be unstuck. The only thing standing in my way is me. That's the ONLY thing. No one, no thing, no situation. It all rests on me. I have been stuck all this time because of me and I will continue to be because of me. But most importantly, I can set myself free. I have that control and that ability. And that responsibility.
I had an incredible amount of energy and openness going into this reading. And from what came out of it, I can see that it had an effect.
Susan had me first pick out a card from a deck of cards a friend made for her. My card read:
TWIST THE SPINE
We looked at each other, trying to figure out what that could possibly mean. It certainly means to turn around and look at what's happening around you. It means that not everything can be seen from one vantage point. But I also think it means that my spine is my alignment and my foundation and although I shouldn't break my back, I should twist my perspective. More on this as the reading continues.
I had to cut the cards a few times because the cards kept jumping out of Susan's hands. Or I would cut and it would be a cut where more cards would fall out. The cards were definitely jumping at the chance to speak. They had a lot to say. And it was all right on.
5 of Wands (where I am): this card said that others want what I have, they want to be where I am. It also says that my boyfriend and I don't feel like we have enough time together to connect because of work. I definitely feel this way, in terms of not having enough time with my boyfriend. I feel like we aren't totally connected right now because we're both working hard. He's working on his music and I'm working on my writing and we're trying to be focused on that. But we aren't making time for one another. And I didn't immediately feel that others want what I have. I have been dealing with a lot of jealousy lately, so I kind of feel the opposite. But this is another card that is letting me know what my experience of what things are isn't what they are. I don't get that I'm in a coveted position of being someone who has actually made traction in Hollywood. I'm always the person who feels like a failure. This card is a reminder that others want what I have and I need to be protective of my position. And I do have a position.
Page (Daughter) of Cups (atmosphere): I'm at the right place at the right time. There are new ideas around me. Not much to say about this. I like it. And I do have that sense that I'm exactly where I should be and based on my last reading, I'm trying to do things in new ways. I'm trying to change the patterns in my life. NOTE: Aspects of this reading are the same as the last one, which means I'm still working things through.
Hanged Man (lesson of the cycle I'm in): I need to change my perception of the way things are and let go of negative beliefs. At this point in the reading, I know that's true. But I don't know what those negative beliefs are. I feel like I'm positively trying to move forward. I agree with what's being said, so I decide to keep listening.
Justice (foundation card): I have a sense of fairness. I'm weighing all of the factors. My role is to keep harmony in the family. But what happens when you give that up? Even though you want life to be fair, it isn't fair and I don't need to bear the burden of trying to make it that way. This is in regards to both my Mom and my boyfriend, who are the same person. This is where it got deep. This card is about deep seated beliefs that I hold. It's about my deep past, not just about certain beliefs I have. But this is fundamental stuff. And this is the point in the reading where we really took time to talk. Just as I said one card ago that I didn't know what the negative beliefs in my life are that are holding me back...this is where it gets clear. I do believe it's my role in the family to correct everyone's wrongs and make sure that things work out for them. I have guilt about so many things working out well for me for a large portion of my life that I am trying to reset everyone else. But as Susan reminded me, I spend so much time trying to correct everyone else and make things fair for them, that I don't have any time for myself. I can't change my mom or my boyfriend for that matter. I can't make things right for them. I can only do that for myself. My mom will never change. She's incapable of it. But I can still evolve and grow. Somehow I got in my head that if I fix things for her, that will affect me in a positive way. My brother even said it recently. If we get mom's finances together, then we won't have to take care of her when we get old. But Susan went even deeper. We're like siamese twins who need to separate, but we keep sharing the same body, so when she takes bad things into her body, it affects me and vise versa. So I need to stop trying to fix my Mom. I need to work on the things I can change in my own life. The same goes for my boyfriend and for his relationship to his parents and his radio show. I need to stop trying to make everything perfect for him so that there's harmony. Sometimes there is discord and that is fine. Everything does not need to be balanced and fair. And who am I to change that for someone else. This card got crazy deep and I had to take a few deep breaths because just as my Mom might not be capable of change, that might be true of my boyfriend. The cards weren't telling me to end things or even suggesting that, but it confirmed certain feelings I've had lately. Going deeper...
9 of Disks (last two weeks): Thought one: I am my own best friend. Thought two: there's a new partnership which is going to prove to be fruitful. I'm writing some sketches with my best friend and things are turning out beautifully. There's something to this new working relationship. Susan liked the whole "You are your own best friend" aspect. So do I. What does it mean to be my own best friend? I'm the one who is going to take the best care of myself. So I need to be good to myself because that's what a best friend would do. Patience. Kindness. Tough love when needed. And even though I'm writing with my best friend, I need to remember that ultimately...I am my own best friend.
6 of Wands (personality/how you are in the world): Victory. You need to have a twist, a change of thought. I think this card might have been inverted. There was a lot of this in the cards. Feelings of being blocked and held back. But the victory is there. Everything is there for me. I just need to stop the negative thoughts and actively pursue positive thinking. I just had a thought. I've been reading Robert Altman's oral biography for a play I'm writing. And everyone keeps saying that he was so positive that he constantly made people feel like they could do anything. I need to do this for myself. One of the cards indicated an older male influence. It might be Bob Altman from the dead. I love that.
2 of Swords (next two weeks): I will reach a literal fork in the road. I'm at a crossroads. Yep. I feel that. And I've feared that was coming.
5 of Disks (how you feel about yourself): You've reached an impass. You're freelancing. You're unemployed and there's a lot of self doubt. You aren't really suffering, but you are accustomed to feeling like you are. Wow this one kind of hit me hard too. I am accustomed to feeling like I'm suffering. And part of me right now knows that I'm not. But part of me is continuing down that negative path of pushing myself into negative thoughts so I can feel great when things work out. That's a negative way of thinking. I'm only blocked because I tell myself I'm blocked. Susan noticed that there aren't any actions I need to do differently. It's all mindset. And it is as easy as I choose it to be.
Emperor (hope and fear card): This is a card in the major arcana. So the hopes and fears that are acknowledged in this card are real and not imagined. Sense of order. Something to do with bosses, fathers, government, authority. There's an authority figure that's important here. I need to organize my cluster of root beliefs into my consciousness. Visualize. Put work plans into action. My organizational actions will be recognized by an older man. NEW YORK also flashed into Susan's head. When she said New York, I got chills. I always have a feeling that New York is still with me. Susan felt like someone was speaking through her. I had talked before the reading began that I was thinking of seeing a psychic to try to communicate with my Dad. So when she said New York, I thought that maybe he was there to acknowledge that New York was where I always seemed most like myself. And he knew that. I'm taking this to mean that I have real concerns about whether or not things are going to happen for me. And that's real. But I need to put my thoughts and actions into real practice so that those efforts will go noticed by someone with real authority to affect change in my life. Whatever this card is about seems very strong.
4 of Swords (home): This card was also inverted. Taking a time out. It's the card of incarceration. So I'm feeling trapped and imprisoned by something. I need to take time to convalesce. The fact that it's inverted means that I'm not acknowledging my isolation. It's true. I'm feeling distant from my relationship and I refuse to acknowledge it. I don't really have a place that's truly my own right now. I need to have peace and home within myself. And I need to recognize my isolation and confront it.
9 of Swords (next few weeks): I will have worry and anxiety. Fears run rampant. There is mutual anguish. But it's not as bad as I think. I need to meet the shadows of my problems head on. This sounds dark. But I need to do it. Go through the black forest to get to the other side. It's weighing heavily on me. All of these fears that I have about my relationship and being isolated I need to confront.
2 of Wands (next step): There's a working partnership. There is travel connected with work. Susan thinks this is connected to my work with Alanna. She's going to be in Austin for a few weeks and we're supposed to Skype to work on this project together. But Susan thinks that maybe I should try and see if Alanna will bring me out to Austin to work with her. Interestingly enough, I've always wanted to be there. And the Rude Mechs, who I love, work there. I could maybe go check out there work space. Working on sketches with Alanna in Austin. I want that.
Ace of Disks (birth of something new): There will be positive rewards for hard work. Material gain. Prosperity. Don't be afraid to initiate a plan that seems risky. Something new arises. Career change. New Job. Right place at the right time. This now seems eerie. The right place/right time thing comes up again as it did with the Page of Cups in regards to my atmosphere. Don't be afraid to initiate a plan that seems risky feels like the Alanna thing again. Could there be something for me in this travel? On this trip? Work opportunities in Austin?
High Priestess: (indicates the end of a cycle - in a big way) Something in my life is hidden. Trust my intuition. My detachment about romance allows me to focus energy elsewhere. What could be hidden could do with my relationship. I need to trust myself. And because I can compartmentalize, I am able to focus my energy in places that are productive.
It was an intense reading all around. Much more intense than my last one. Susan and I were both exhausted. We both felt like last time it spoke of everything being stuck, stalled, in limbo, on hold. There's a lot of this here as well. But there are indications that the foundation is starting to shift a bit. TWIST THE SPINE. Meaning, there is a twist in the spine, in my foundation. I no longer have to be so rigid, so fixed. And I'm a pretty rigid person in general. I need to start twisting. And coincidentally, I have physically been twisting my spine a lot lately. Literally. A clear message is there ever was one.
I'm not just going to look at things exactly the way I have been. And I can't if I want to grow. I will continue to be stuck until I decided to be unstuck. The only thing standing in my way is me. That's the ONLY thing. No one, no thing, no situation. It all rests on me. I have been stuck all this time because of me and I will continue to be because of me. But most importantly, I can set myself free. I have that control and that ability. And that responsibility.
Monday, July 22, 2013
The Eulogy I Never Gave
Tomorrow is the year anniversary of my Dad's death. I'm including the eulogy I wrote for him that I was going to give in Hawaii, but I never did.
When memorializing a parent, I’m sure the common response is
“I never knew I could love him more.” My
reaction to my father’s death is that I never knew I could love him. Maybe that’s a controversial statement to
make in a eulogy. But those of you who
know me, know that I like to be controversial.
I mean, I was the three year old who carried around a Ken doll in a
pickle carrying case. Seriously, in
terms of foreshadowing the future, it doesn’t get more clear than that.
Now that he’s gone, I often think, what went through his
mind when I popped into his life?
Especially back then, I was a lot to take in. I was precocious. I loved to dance around the house. I must have watched every Madonna tour on VHS
like 500 times. And to be honest, we
struggled a lot. He must have been
worried that the sweet, loving child who loved showtunes was going to have a
tough time. So he yelled and screamed
and told me to toughen up and that I’d better stop crying or else he’d really
give me something to cry about.
Oh, he’s going to be so
disappointed by the time I finish this speech.
And he’s going to be so disappointed that he didn’t live to hear these
words: He was right. To a point.
And that was the nature of our relationship. We both thought that our point was better
than the other person’s. And we fought
and fought and fought my whole life trying to prove to the other how right we
were. I wanted him to understand me and
to be a little bit nicer. He wanted to
make sure that I was going to be man enough to fight for the big dreams I had
dreamed up for myself. But neither one
of us could give in. So we didn’t really
get along.
Then the Universe stepped in. He got sick.
And I was just coming off a TV show I was working on. Just in time to help out. I went to his doctor’s appointments and to
his nutritionist appointments. I cleaned out my parents’ refrigerator and their
pantry getting rid of anything with salt in it.
I took big poster board and wrote all the things he should eat and
shouldn’t eat and posted it on the refrigerator door. And we fought all the way. “You can’t eat that.” “Oh yeah?
Fuck you, I’m having a McRib.”
(Sorry for the cursing, but it really does make the point. You can kind of hear him say it, can’t
you?) I fought with everyone. The doctors, the nurses, the hospice
workers…and even, though it makes me sound like a total a-hole, my Mother. And every conversation started with, “You’re
not doing good enough. You can do
better.” I wonder who I learned that from.
Then I realized something.
I had learned all of that behavior from my Dad. But, throughout my life, I was on the
receiving end of all that yelling. But I
didn’t feel like I was yelling for the sake of yelling. I was trying to get my Dad better care. I wanted to make sure he was safe. I wanted to make sure that he held on to his
dignity as long as possible. And I think
I was successful. I just wanted to
protect him. Then, here comes the big
idea, I thought, “Wow, if I pissed all of those people off just to protect my
Dad…could he possibly have pissed me off my entire life just to protect me?”
That was a big moment.
Because in that experience of fighting for him, I finally understood
him. We finally had something in
common. We were willing to sacrifice
looking like the good guy in order to take care of someone we love. And I hope that my Dad would look at me now
and think, “Yeah, that was a success.”
But he’d probably just criticize what I was wearing.
Here’s the final thank you.
Thanks, Dad for being willing to sacrifice looking like the good guy to
take care of me. And thanks for marrying
the right woman so that both Chris and I got some tenderness as well. But most of all, thanks for making a man out
of me. I only wish you were here to
toast to that in person.
Not My Problem
When I worked in advertising years ago, I was a project manager. It was our job to keep everyone on schedule. We were the liaisons between all of the departments: creatives, account managers, studio artists, etc. We used to have a saying when work was being handed over to us that wasn't our responsibility: Not my job.
Today, I had two situations happen where I decided to not do what I usually do, which is butt in and make everything my business. I decided that I would just listen to what was going on and not try to fix a problem that was not mine.
First up:
My Mom is having some work done to her house. She had two types of termites and needed to punch a hole in the wall to see where they were. That resulted in a huge mess that involved two contractors and putting up new drywall. It's too long and a painful story to share here, but it involves my little widow of a mother getting ripped off, me going off on a crazy contractor and then doing what I usually do--which is make it all my problem.
So today I get to her house, thinking I'm going to meet with our contractor to go over the job after it has been completed. But when I get there the guys working on the job haven't shown up. I haven't been able to get a hold of the contractor and there's a final thing they need to do so that the exterminator can treat the soil for subterranean termites tomorrow. My mother, who works nights (not like that), had stayed up so she could wait for the guys. But she never found out what time they were coming. She didn't ask them. Also there was a possibility this final part of the job wasn't going to be done in time for the exterminators tomorrow. The details weren't being attended to and that really bugged the fuck out of me. But I decided to take a step back. I did talk to our contractor and let him know what needed to be done and he was perfectly compliant. But I had to realize that no matter what happened, my mother had to be responsible. If the hole they cut out in the floor wasn't big enough, she had to be responsible to coordinate the guys coming back and doing the job before the exterminators came. And if it didn't happen, it didn't happen. And if she spent more money than she should have, then it's her money to spend. I cannot solve all of her problems. And I shouldn't reach to solve all of her problems out of instinct either. It's not my job.
I did all right. But I need to remember to do that more.
Second story:
The Drummer is producing a radio show and I'm helping him with it. He interviews drummers and other musicians and they talk about all things related to drumming. He's great at it and he has a close friend who has been a mother figure to him who originally produced the show with him. But she has a tendency to go MIA whenever he does something she doesn't like. He's dependent on her to book certain guests and it's not happening. Today he calls me and tells me that for the third time she has gone MIA. This is after they had a huge blow out and she walked away from producing the show. Then she felt bad and came back with her tail between her legs, but he decided that she could just be a co-host and not produce. Then I came on board to produce. I have had very clear boundaries about what I will do and won't do. So when he calls me to complain about how she's not being responsive to his texts and emails, I let it go. I told him that he needs to decide what's right for him. I gave him some advice, but I didn't start solving the problem for him. I also avoided the impulse to say, "I told you so." I had the feeling she would do this again. It seemed pretty inevitable, actually. I did let him know that he had a part in it as well and that he needed to be responsible for that. So I butt in a bit. But I really tried to remove myself from the situation.
I like to fix everything. I don't like my own life being disrupted by other people's anxiety. So in order to make myself feel better, I just get involved. My therapist would say that is not the right thing to do. And we've been working over the past year to NOT do that. I'm getting better, although I still try to make everything my job. I wasn't perfect this time, but at least I pressed pause and realized what I was doing. And in both cases, I pulled back my reaction. I can't live my own life if I'm trying to live everyone else's.
Today, I had two situations happen where I decided to not do what I usually do, which is butt in and make everything my business. I decided that I would just listen to what was going on and not try to fix a problem that was not mine.
First up:
My Mom is having some work done to her house. She had two types of termites and needed to punch a hole in the wall to see where they were. That resulted in a huge mess that involved two contractors and putting up new drywall. It's too long and a painful story to share here, but it involves my little widow of a mother getting ripped off, me going off on a crazy contractor and then doing what I usually do--which is make it all my problem.
So today I get to her house, thinking I'm going to meet with our contractor to go over the job after it has been completed. But when I get there the guys working on the job haven't shown up. I haven't been able to get a hold of the contractor and there's a final thing they need to do so that the exterminator can treat the soil for subterranean termites tomorrow. My mother, who works nights (not like that), had stayed up so she could wait for the guys. But she never found out what time they were coming. She didn't ask them. Also there was a possibility this final part of the job wasn't going to be done in time for the exterminators tomorrow. The details weren't being attended to and that really bugged the fuck out of me. But I decided to take a step back. I did talk to our contractor and let him know what needed to be done and he was perfectly compliant. But I had to realize that no matter what happened, my mother had to be responsible. If the hole they cut out in the floor wasn't big enough, she had to be responsible to coordinate the guys coming back and doing the job before the exterminators came. And if it didn't happen, it didn't happen. And if she spent more money than she should have, then it's her money to spend. I cannot solve all of her problems. And I shouldn't reach to solve all of her problems out of instinct either. It's not my job.
I did all right. But I need to remember to do that more.
Second story:
The Drummer is producing a radio show and I'm helping him with it. He interviews drummers and other musicians and they talk about all things related to drumming. He's great at it and he has a close friend who has been a mother figure to him who originally produced the show with him. But she has a tendency to go MIA whenever he does something she doesn't like. He's dependent on her to book certain guests and it's not happening. Today he calls me and tells me that for the third time she has gone MIA. This is after they had a huge blow out and she walked away from producing the show. Then she felt bad and came back with her tail between her legs, but he decided that she could just be a co-host and not produce. Then I came on board to produce. I have had very clear boundaries about what I will do and won't do. So when he calls me to complain about how she's not being responsive to his texts and emails, I let it go. I told him that he needs to decide what's right for him. I gave him some advice, but I didn't start solving the problem for him. I also avoided the impulse to say, "I told you so." I had the feeling she would do this again. It seemed pretty inevitable, actually. I did let him know that he had a part in it as well and that he needed to be responsible for that. So I butt in a bit. But I really tried to remove myself from the situation.
I like to fix everything. I don't like my own life being disrupted by other people's anxiety. So in order to make myself feel better, I just get involved. My therapist would say that is not the right thing to do. And we've been working over the past year to NOT do that. I'm getting better, although I still try to make everything my job. I wasn't perfect this time, but at least I pressed pause and realized what I was doing. And in both cases, I pulled back my reaction. I can't live my own life if I'm trying to live everyone else's.
Peace and Quiet?
The Drummer and I were having sex the other day. We were trying a few different positions. I sat on it. He turned me over and got me from behind and then I noticed something. When I would get loud (which I always do...I'm Latin!), he asked me to quiet down. Normal, right? Then I put my head in the pillow (he did NOT force my head in the pillow, btw) and started screaming in that "hurts so good" kind of way. He got more aggressive!
Then I decided to see what would happen when I was quieter, but "above water" as it were. His pace slowed down. Then when I put my face in the pillow again and got real vocal again he quickened his pace and pounded it out. Okay, so I'll admit that in the moment it was really hot. I even kind of "faked it" a bit to add to the vibe and he LOVED it. But afterwards I thought: "Is that what he really wants? An anonymous body with its ass up in the air taking it from behind?"
I've got a mouth (again, I'm Latin). I've got spice and sass and all of that stuff. He likes it. But maybe he just wants me to shut up sometimes. Is that bad?
Is it bad that I was turned on by screaming into the pillow because I knew he'd hit it harder?
We're two years in and the sex was some of the hottest we've had. And I want to keep it hot. But do I have to stiffle my voice to release the passion in my relationship?
I couldn't help but wonder...
Then I decided to see what would happen when I was quieter, but "above water" as it were. His pace slowed down. Then when I put my face in the pillow again and got real vocal again he quickened his pace and pounded it out. Okay, so I'll admit that in the moment it was really hot. I even kind of "faked it" a bit to add to the vibe and he LOVED it. But afterwards I thought: "Is that what he really wants? An anonymous body with its ass up in the air taking it from behind?"
I've got a mouth (again, I'm Latin). I've got spice and sass and all of that stuff. He likes it. But maybe he just wants me to shut up sometimes. Is that bad?
Is it bad that I was turned on by screaming into the pillow because I knew he'd hit it harder?
We're two years in and the sex was some of the hottest we've had. And I want to keep it hot. But do I have to stiffle my voice to release the passion in my relationship?
I couldn't help but wonder...
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Retrograde is Over! (more recap from yesterday's reading)
Thank God!
I am ready for things to get moving. Retrograde is a nice little excuse in a way because you know that things are going to be stalled. I prefer to see retrograde as that time where things are incubating, percolating, and marinating. And now that we're reached full marination, it's time to cook the meat!
I love food.
One of the things that stuck out to me from last night's tarot card reading was that I don't celebrate myself or realize what I have. This is something that I've been working on for a while. Somehow I can't appreciate what I have and how far I've come. All I feel is stalled, when the Universe is trying to tell me that I'm closer than ever. Why is that?
I remember reading The War of Art by Steven Pressman years ago and he talks about I this idea of resistance. When you are close to a goal, resistance revs up its efforts. The cards told me that I'm close to having everything I want. Everything in the cards last night seemed like a validation of this journey I have been on for the past two and a half years. It told me that I had taken time off and that it was long overdue. I was amazed at how on point the reading was.
There are times when I feel like I have been indulging myself too much by taking this time away from the rat race. But hearing that it was long overdue just made me realize that my instincts have been correct. I have been holding strongly to this notion of needing to stay in this place for a bit longer and do some more exploration. A lot of the cards were Kings (or Shamen in this case) which are at the end of the arcana and which mean that I'm at the end of this cycle and about to start something new. That sounded encouraging and it also feels instinctually like what I already know. Just the fact that the cards were specific, but telling me stuff I already knew are a reminder that I need to plug back into my instinct and intuition and let that guide me. Anything that doesn't support that needs to be stripped away or at the very least re-evaluated.
The cards also stated that I have been on a spiritual journey for the past few years. That couldn't be truer. The fact that this journey has dictated most of my life for the past few years is significant. An important key to something that has made me feel stalled is the idea that I'm passionate about what I'm doing, but I'm not in it for the profit. However, this has made me feel blocked because I want to move past the place I am in in my life and that involves advancing career wise. And that involves making more money. But if I'm not in it for the money, then I am blocking myself. But the cards said I need to start thinking about money in terms of energy. Where am I putting my energy? And if I end up putting my focus somewhere guided by my passion and that makes me money, then I'm putting even more energy towards that pursuit. It is giving it power and importance and then it essentially creates a rechargeable battery of passion and profit and it gives my passion energy.
The reading also said that I need to focus my efforts on what I am working on specifically.
Susan said I need to mediate and visualize more. I need to mediate and visualize that. The cards also said that I would be traveling for work or that an upcoming trip would be important for work. She felt that this upcoming trip I'm taking to Portland where coincidentally a theatre festival was happening that weekend would be important. I was only going to go to three out of the four readings, but maybe I need to go to all four readings. After all, readings have been very fruitful for me.
I'm going to reprint Susan Miller's horoscope for Aquarius, which we read out loud last night, giving it energy to send more energy in the metaphysical realm.
I am ready for things to get moving. Retrograde is a nice little excuse in a way because you know that things are going to be stalled. I prefer to see retrograde as that time where things are incubating, percolating, and marinating. And now that we're reached full marination, it's time to cook the meat!
I love food.
One of the things that stuck out to me from last night's tarot card reading was that I don't celebrate myself or realize what I have. This is something that I've been working on for a while. Somehow I can't appreciate what I have and how far I've come. All I feel is stalled, when the Universe is trying to tell me that I'm closer than ever. Why is that?
I remember reading The War of Art by Steven Pressman years ago and he talks about I this idea of resistance. When you are close to a goal, resistance revs up its efforts. The cards told me that I'm close to having everything I want. Everything in the cards last night seemed like a validation of this journey I have been on for the past two and a half years. It told me that I had taken time off and that it was long overdue. I was amazed at how on point the reading was.
There are times when I feel like I have been indulging myself too much by taking this time away from the rat race. But hearing that it was long overdue just made me realize that my instincts have been correct. I have been holding strongly to this notion of needing to stay in this place for a bit longer and do some more exploration. A lot of the cards were Kings (or Shamen in this case) which are at the end of the arcana and which mean that I'm at the end of this cycle and about to start something new. That sounded encouraging and it also feels instinctually like what I already know. Just the fact that the cards were specific, but telling me stuff I already knew are a reminder that I need to plug back into my instinct and intuition and let that guide me. Anything that doesn't support that needs to be stripped away or at the very least re-evaluated.
The cards also stated that I have been on a spiritual journey for the past few years. That couldn't be truer. The fact that this journey has dictated most of my life for the past few years is significant. An important key to something that has made me feel stalled is the idea that I'm passionate about what I'm doing, but I'm not in it for the profit. However, this has made me feel blocked because I want to move past the place I am in in my life and that involves advancing career wise. And that involves making more money. But if I'm not in it for the money, then I am blocking myself. But the cards said I need to start thinking about money in terms of energy. Where am I putting my energy? And if I end up putting my focus somewhere guided by my passion and that makes me money, then I'm putting even more energy towards that pursuit. It is giving it power and importance and then it essentially creates a rechargeable battery of passion and profit and it gives my passion energy.
The reading also said that I need to focus my efforts on what I am working on specifically.
Susan said I need to mediate and visualize more. I need to mediate and visualize that. The cards also said that I would be traveling for work or that an upcoming trip would be important for work. She felt that this upcoming trip I'm taking to Portland where coincidentally a theatre festival was happening that weekend would be important. I was only going to go to three out of the four readings, but maybe I need to go to all four readings. After all, readings have been very fruitful for me.
I'm going to reprint Susan Miller's horoscope for Aquarius, which we read out loud last night, giving it energy to send more energy in the metaphysical realm.
You are about to become very busy at work this month, so put off taking a vacation until late September or mid-October to be sure you can get everything you need to do done. You are about to enter a period where you will have some of the juiciest assignments in the department, and you may be the envy of others who work there. No matter, just smile - you've proved yourself and this is reward time. If you are self-employed, you will find that business is brisk - so good in fact that you may be contemplating recruiting more workers to handle the demand. You may work in a seasonal business, because this month your services seem to be very much in demand no matter where you work, and that is a very good feeling indeed.
The reason for this lovely turn of events is Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, has now moved into Cancer late last month, on June 25. In the next twelve months, until July 16, 2014, the date Jupiter will leave for the next sign, you will have an opportunity to prove, once and for all, that you have the right stuff to make it onto a VIP short list of bright stars to watch and reward by being groomed for bigger and better things.
The last time Jupiter was in Cancer it was mid-2001 to mid-2002, a very long time ago. Can you remember any assignments that you had that garnered you lots of attention? You may get a clue of what is to come by looking back. Other planets will have since moved into other signs and places in your chart, of course, but you still may be able to glean a certain theme to that period, which may be repeated now, this year. (A production in New York of my short plays, thesis play in grad school which garnered a lot of attention)
Ancient astrologers always wrote that Jupiter is exalted when it tours the cardinal sign of Cancer because it is a water sign, allowing for intuition to enter the realm, uniting the left and right brain. Cancer is also cardinal, a sign that would push the energy out to all four winds, to allow for the greatest growth possible. Cardinal signs define direction, for they mirror the points on the compass (north, south, east, and west).
In coming months, you will show just how efficient and organized you can be. You may move to new headquarters, or be able to redo the design of your office. The workload will be heavy - especially this month - but with beautiful surroundings, it seems less arduous. You won't feel like you are in a sweatshop of the turn of the century, with dreary conditions and people sitting so close that it's hard to concentrate. No, your surroundings are likely to become quite sleek. (Paramount)
You may get new computer equipment, new apps, and software to help you do your job faster and more easily. You will also find that you can find qualified candidates to hire. Many small businesses report hiring qualified, skilled, experienced, and affordable people is their number one challenge. That won't apply to you, dear Aquarius. In the coming year, your database of possible workers will grow impressively. Even if you work in a big company where the salary you can offer a candidate is not your main concern, you will still be able to hire candidates that work out to be gems for you.
Moreover, people will get along with one another in a very smooth and supportive way, so you won't feel going to the office is like landing in a real-life soap opera each day. Instead, you will feel like you fell in a parallel universe where everyone is happy to see each other and glad to help each other with their workload. At times you may feel like you're in a Disney movie, where everyone seems to be smiling and humming, "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go..." Don't question this happy circumstance, enjoy it! Jupiter can create magical situations!
Mercury will be retrograde all month, until July 20, a holdover from last month, having started June 26. This will add a slight complication in that you should not hire anyone (or accept a new position yourself) until after the retrograde is over. It is also not the time to buy new computer equipment or anything with moving parts, like a car. Mercury will retrograde in Cancer in your work sector, so you may see a project come back to you for corrections. (new play) Everyone will be in the same boat, so just take these delays with a shrug and a smile.
The solar sixth house where you will host Jupiter from now until July 16, 2014, is also the house of health, and rules all the good things you do for your body to keep it in peak condition. That includes all the things that you would expect, such as eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, and scheduling all the annual exams you know can keep you running in top condition. Remember to see the dentist and eye doctor, and all those other doctors you know you need to see for an annual checkup. In the coming weeks, you may go back to the gym, or if you have been going, meet a new trainer who inspires you. Or, you may start a new sport you enjoy so much you do it all the time.
I have found a remarkable bonus to having Jupiter in the sixth house, one you might not expect. Every time I have had Jupiter tour my sixth house I have lost weight. Now, that's just opposite of what I expected. Jupiter is supposed to expand everything it touches, not reduce the size of one's body! However - Jupiter, as the great healer, can teach you to eat sensibly, to eschew junk food, and give up things like too much coffee that only lowers your blood sugar and makes you hungry later. Let me know how Jupiter in this period works out for you in months ahead. (losing weight has been on my mind for the past several months)
If you have a chronic problem that has perplexed most doctors you've consulted, having Jupiter in the sixth house for the first time in a decade will help you locate an excellent doctor who understands your condition. The medical practitioners and technicians you encounter during this phase are apt to be quite distinguished. Of course, like anything else, you will have to do your research and also get recommendations from friends. You may find out that you can take advantage of a new procedure or medicine that has received encouraging results in thorough lab tests, and that your doctor feels is worth trying with you. Getting more information and knowing your options are always the first steps in any process.
Having Jupiter at your side, as you see, is a big plus and can bring progress where you have seen none, especially in regard to health and work projects. However, without a new moon, Jupiter has no way to make his gifts accessible to you.
How wonderful to report you will HAVE that new moon in Cancer on July 8, and it will arrive with Mercury, and later, on July 13 to August 27, you will have Mars. Mars is the action planet, so this almost guarantees the feathers will fly at work, with plenty to do and everyone there concentrating hard. The whole theme that I have been talking about in your report of Jupiter in Cancer will kick off on Monday, July 8.
In regard to work, I want to make clear that the sixth house is not like the tenth house of honors, awards, achievement, and fame. Actually, in that house you currently have Saturn, teaching you to learn the ropes in a new realm for several years (until September 2015). (the cards kept talking about a new way of working, a new area) Certainly you are edging up the ladder of success with each project you turn out. Saturn will turn out to be a key player this month, so stay with me.
For now, know that Saturn will go direct on July 8, having been retrograde since February 18. Once Saturn goes direct on July 8, he will not go retrograde again until March 2, 2014. Saturn is in your house of career status, so this is important to note. (I have all this on my annual calendars that I offer here.) Whenever a planet turns from retrograde to direct, watch those days that tightly circle the date (in this case July 8) for subtle clues of positive changes to come. Those changes may happen quite suddenly, too.
Just to help you clarify things in your mind, the solar sixth house represents the work you do on a day-to-day basis, not the promotion or status you receive. The tenth house will give you that - and actually will be energized this month by Saturn. The sixth house, where Jupiter is based, will give you the right kind of projects that have legs and will lead you to a new level in your industry.
Now I get to tell you some truly extraordinary news. (I have been bursting, wanting to let you know all about this!) This month will bring into view a beautiful sparkling triangle of planets in the heavens, linking Jupiter in your solar sixth house of day-to-day work projects, to Saturn, in your solar tenth house of honors, awards, achievement, and fame - the house that is capable of giving you the big promotion, where everyone reads about you and knows your name - and to Neptune in your house of salary. This is a cosmic expression of pure harmony, where things should work so nicely that it surprises you. (this does apply to me and does make a lot of sense)
Each of these planets will move toward perfect calibration at 5 degrees of a water sign, each 120 degrees apart, forming a configuration of perfect harmony! Work leads to reward and status, and to more money in your paycheck, dear Aquarius (Money as energy which reflects my passion) The day they meet in ideal formation is July 17, although July 18 and 19 are impressive runner up dates, too. This behooves you to do something special for your career on July 17 or 18, like have a performance review, to ask your boss for a promotion in the near future, or to interview for a very responsible, powerful new job.
When you realize it takes Neptune 165 years to circle the Sun, and it takes Saturn twenty-nine years to make the same journey, and Jupiter takes twelve years, you can readily see how hard it is to get these planets together to create a formation of this power and beauty. In life, it's hard to get three busy people together to have dinner!
The full moon this month will be in Aquarius 0 degrees, so if you were born on January 20 or within five days of this date, you will feel the effects of this full moon more than most. A full moon can affect you for four days before or after the day it occurs. This month's full moon will give you an answer on a matter that is dearly important to you - so personal to you that I cannot see what it is from where I sit. Saturn will be in hard angle to the Sun and new moon, so the topic of the day may be your career or an important, close relationship, such as the one you have with your mate or business partner / collaborator. (the sketch project I'm working on with my best friend about our childhood in Downey)
Next month, on August 20, we will have another full moon in Aquarius at 28 degrees. This is a rare occurrence, as we rarely see two full moons in a row that in the same sign. That full moon next month will highlight Aquarians with birthdays of February 17.
Romantically you will do best in the beginning of the month, even though Mercury will be retrograde. Venus will tour Leo, a special spot for you if you are attached, as Venus in Leo will smooth your relationship.
If you are single and hope to meet someone new, or attached and hope to rev up your current relationship, go away over the brilliant weekend of July 6-7, when Venus will be in ideal angle to Uranus, your ruler and planet of surprise. The surprises you experience then will be sweet ones.
I regret to tell you that the Fourth of July, a big holiday in the US, will have some very harsh aspects associated with it - Uranus in hard 90-degree angle to the Sun. This is likely to bring sudden, jarring news out of the blue. If you are not in the US, you may still feel this on July 3 or July 4, because it affects everyone, worldwide. Uranus is based in your short-distance travel sector (third house), and Mercury will still be retrograde, so make sure your car is in good working order. Have a tune-up before you get on the road. It may be alternatively that you and your sibling will have a roaring argument - again, say nothing controversial and try to keep to yourself.
Uranus may have a physical or emotional manifestation on July 3 or July 4 - you may encounter an angry man on July 3-4 (the Sun is always read as "male.") In all, you may want to plan to stay home over Independence Day in the US and go instead over your joyous weekend July 6-7.
Another angry aspect will occur at month's end. On July 31, Mars will taunt Uranus, and again, angry outbursts or mishaps are possible. (Look where you are going, dear Aquarius.) This will be a hard day, so keep your head down and out of the line of fire. Again, your ruler, Uranus, is involved in this aspect, which may affect you more than most.
While we are on the topic of hard days, add July 27, when Saturn will be in hard angle to the Sun, making you feel completely overworked in your career. You may not get along with one of the top partners of the firm either, and although this is a Saturday, you will likely feel the nerve-jangling effects on Friday, July 26, too.
Now, before I leave, I want to tell you about a day, July 29, which some astrologers are raving about. It does have many lovely communications among the planets in a rather rare formation. (Those are called sextiles, 60 degrees apart, denoting opportunity.) They say you will find July 29 even better than July 17-19. I don't believe this is true. I feel you will find July 17-19 stronger because I feel all big days require a new moon to make their energies accessible, or a full moon to enlarge what is on tap - July 29 has neither.
I could be wrong about this, so please come to Twitter on my account @AstrologyZone on August 1, after both these aspects are over, and post a note about which part of the month, July 17 or July 29, was better for you. I would love to get your feedback. When you post, please use the hashtag #July29 (no space) so that others can see your post too, and all the readers who came to my account can be sorted and assembled together in a flash.
Summary
You'll have a lot of projects to complete both at work and at home in July. Keep an eye on the detail, lest an error slip through and spoil the accuracy of the work - and your reputation. You may feel you have to hire recruits, but in that regard, go slowly. Although you will have fantastic luck in finding the perfect candidates for you, keep in mind that Mercury will be retrograde until July 20, so you will have to expect changes and delays. Don't try to speed the slow pace that Mercury will create, for the very delays that you encounter and that will frustrate you will actually work to your favor. The surprising truth is that new and even better options are likely to come up just after Mercury goes direct after three weeks, on July 20.
An intense interest in improving your health and fitness may also come up this month, just after the new moon, July 8. It's the right time to have annual medical and dental exams, for you will be able to find the time and have the motivation to get them all done. You may now turn over a new leaf to better nutrition and to have regular sessions at the gym. Some people make resolutions about health in January, but your important new moon for fitness comes now - use it, see results and start to look and feel better quickly. Jupiter's presence in your sixth house will help you lose weight the right way - and you'll look radiant.
One of the best aspects of the month will occur on July 21, involving a sparkling link from Mars (action) to Jupiter (good fortune), when you may have to go out of town to see a client. You both will be on the same page at this time, so you should be able to forge an agreement quickly.
At the same time of the month, the full moon will be in your sign, Aquarius, on July 22, and will bring something of vital importance to culmination. This full moon will be doubly strong if your birthday falls near January 20. Saturn will be in hard angle to that moon, so you may have to face a certain reality that seems harsh in regard to your career or your closest relationship. Your partner may feel you spend too much time at work, but your boss may feel the opposite way, that you have been valuing your personal life at the expense of your professional commitments. This is a tricky full moon, and there will be no way to avoid this clash of conflicting demands. Open your eyes and ears, and be sympathetic and understanding to those who are upset, and together find a good solution to defuse heightened emotions.
Conflict may occur when Mars challenges Uranus, your ruler, on the last day of the month, July 31. Whatever comes up, it won't be something you expect, so you may be caught off guard. Knowing this might occur, you may need to keep your antenna up for clues if something is amiss. Get others to open up about feelings they've not expressed but that need to be discussed. Earlier in the month, July 3 and July 4 are not your best days either - Uranus will challenge the Sun, and the results are jarring. On both these days, you won't be able to predict where things will go, so you're best to avoid all conflict.
Romantically, your very best days will extend from July 1 to 12, while Mars tours Gemini and your fifth house of true love. At almost the same time, love-planet Venus will tour Leo and your house of marriage and commitment, from July 1 to 22. Lucky you, single or attached, the universe has you covered.
One outstanding day that gets four gold stars: July 7, when Venus and your ruler, Uranus, combine to make a gorgeous, surprising day, especially if you are single, but attached should find this day quite delicious, too.
Dates to Note: Aquarius
Most romantic dates: July 4, 5, 9, 10, 18-19, 22, and 23.
Note, July 22 and dates surrounding this date - the full moon - could bring events that can only be called a wild card - either thrilling or very upsetting.
Work will be hectic. Many new projects will come up after the new moon July 8. You will like the assignments and they will add to your growing reputation.
Saturn goes direct July 7, having been retrograde since February 18.
Mercury will be retrograde until July 21. Look over your work before you hand it in to be sure all work is accurate.
This will be a great month to improve your health and fitness. Begin your new regimen just after July 8.
The full moon in Aquarius will bring a matter to culmination. This full moon will be especially strong for you if you were born near January 20.
Uranus, your ruler, will go retrograde on July 17 until December 17. For now, focus on the projects you have on your desk, and wait until year's end to develop new ones.
A relationship will be your big focus - it appears your long hours at the office have made your partner feel neglected.
Expect a tough day, when ruler Uranus will conflict with Mars, July 31.
Mars will enliven your fifth house of true love from July 1 to July 12, marking your best time to find new love. Venus will tour your house of marriage and commitment from July 1-22
One of your best days for love will be July 7 when Venus and your ruler Uranus will combine forces.
Will you enjoy July 29 above all others, due to the rare configuration of planetary sextiles occurring then? The jury is still out, so I need to hear your experience after the month is over, on August 1. Please compare July 17-19 to July 29 and tell me which day turned out to be the happiest or luckiest time of the month for you. Just go to Twitter (you need only give your email and choose a name for yourself to have an account) and post your experience. Please add hashtag #July29 so we can all see your feedback easily - Twitter will group all the comments together for easy searching.
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