When I was with my ex, I used to shave my balls maybe every three weeks. Now that I type that, that sounds disgusting. No wonder it didn't work out. Just kidding.
Yes, I truly believe it was all about the lack of manscaping.
And I have these really hairy pits that I never trim. My reasoning was that I still picture myself as 105 lbs dripping wet. So I think that the five o'clock shadow and the stubbly balls and the Sasquatch pits make me more manly. But maybe it's time to reframe my way of thinking.
I'm single now. My breath has to smell nice at all times and I have to look trimmed and coifed when I'm getting my coffee or going for a run or at the gym.
Every moment is a potential opportunity to meet a man.
I feel like Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, has an eye on me. Big Sister is watching.
But it does feel that way a bit. Like I'm now on the market. So I can't get lazy like one is prone to doing in a relationship. I've kept my body kind of together. And now it's time to take it to the next level: abs, pecs, shoulders, arms. I'm a runner and former dancer, so the legs are good. And I guess the next thing is figuring out what to manscape. And how much.
Because we've all seen those guys. The eyebrows that are too thin. And the supertrimmed arm and leg and chest hair. And some of those guys are straight! I like my manly details. But I guess I could stand to be a little less manly in some ways. Sometimes that's more about taking the trimmers to the arm pits than it is about blasting Liza from the speakers.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Cleanse: Day Eight
I'm fucking eating everything in sight. And I say that "I'm cleansing", so who cares if I eat all of the barley and homemade black bean chili in the world because at least I'm not having ONE BITE of pork belly!
Oh, God! I just watched The Food Network's DINERS, DRIVE INS AND DIVES and I want pork belly. I want a pizzette w/ homemade sausage and smoked slaw. I want a burger!
I shouldn't be watching Triple D. Clearly.
I need to be getting more cardio into my diet because before my three day alcohol binge w/ my friend Tony who was in town from NYC, I was looking good. I do think I'm eating too much because my psyllium powder has been curbing my hunger throughout the day. But I'm in the habit of eating. I think I eat when I'm bored. I was doing that a lot yesterday. And even though it's "cleanse approved", I don't think the creators of this thing intended me to eat an entire tray of five layer dip.
I think it's great that I'm watching everything I eat. I think that being aware of what I put into my body is a great thing. And it's a habit I want to make in these 21 days. I just need to commit to it. I have all of this renewed energy and it seems to be going in the wrong places. I have to be acutely aware of where the "empty calories" are in my life. The ways I spend my energy towards something that does not bring me back something in return. The activities that have no nutritional value for me.
I'm getting reflective. I guess the cleanse is taking its effect. Even if I'm not seeing it in killer abs. Yet.
Oh, God! I just watched The Food Network's DINERS, DRIVE INS AND DIVES and I want pork belly. I want a pizzette w/ homemade sausage and smoked slaw. I want a burger!
I shouldn't be watching Triple D. Clearly.
I need to be getting more cardio into my diet because before my three day alcohol binge w/ my friend Tony who was in town from NYC, I was looking good. I do think I'm eating too much because my psyllium powder has been curbing my hunger throughout the day. But I'm in the habit of eating. I think I eat when I'm bored. I was doing that a lot yesterday. And even though it's "cleanse approved", I don't think the creators of this thing intended me to eat an entire tray of five layer dip.
I think it's great that I'm watching everything I eat. I think that being aware of what I put into my body is a great thing. And it's a habit I want to make in these 21 days. I just need to commit to it. I have all of this renewed energy and it seems to be going in the wrong places. I have to be acutely aware of where the "empty calories" are in my life. The ways I spend my energy towards something that does not bring me back something in return. The activities that have no nutritional value for me.
I'm getting reflective. I guess the cleanse is taking its effect. Even if I'm not seeing it in killer abs. Yet.
Me Ever After
I'm watching BETHENNY EVER AFTER right now and I have to say, I want to be Bethenny Frankel. I love her. I think she has lived a life and then has worked her ass off to create this brand, SkinnyGirl. I think she's got determination and a steel will. And she found a great guy, who has an amazing body and seems to be really patient with her.
I remember last year when I used to watch BETHENNY GETTING MARRIED? in my home office, I used to watch how Bethenny and Jason would joke around and I would identify a bit. I'm a witty, loud, dark-haired woman who's trying to build an empire. And so is she. So now when I watch her, I reminisce about what my life was like for the past five years. And here I am already at a point over the past few weeks where I've been nostalgic. So Bethenny is bringing it out of me yet again.
I cried when she was at Alma's apartment and said no one was showing up to her wedding from her family. I cried when her mother-in-law said she finally had a daughter. It's not like I don't have my own budding-in, crazy, loud mouthed family. I do and they make their presence KNOWN. But I liked having a mother-in-law who seemed normal and thought I was normal and good for her son. I used to look in someone's eyes and think about what would happen if he was killed or got cancer and how my life would be destroyed, heaven forbid. And now...strangers.
I'm at the point in this process where the thrill of leaving is gone. Now it's the daily process of my life and moving it to where I want it to be. I keep saying that I KNOW that none of this would be possible, my current state of strength and self-reflection and ACTION, if we were still a couple. I wholeheartedly believe that.
But I miss planning my future. But "who knows what the future holds", right? I just feel like he was the love of my life and I'm lost a bit. I couldn't stop crying, for god sakes, all of last week. I know this is normal, but I don't like normal, even though I don't want people to think I'm abnormal. I want them to think I'm spectacular. That's the opposite of normal, right?
I wanna have fights in the car over what smells like poop. I want to tease someone. I want to laugh when he puts a ridiculous outfit on and applaud when he looks smashing. As he often did. I don't know if this temporary lapse of sanity and trip down memory lane is healthy! I don't know! But I just miss it. I miss feeling like I matter to someone.
And maybe that's it. Maybe I really have to digest this idea that I have to matter to myself. Because if I tree fell in the woods, and if no one heard it, the tree knows it fell. Is that enough?
This is the other part where I want to emulate Bethenny Frankel. I need to get a post-baby body. I never had it. I never had a baby, but I need those abs. I think her and I share another thing. I think we both look good just a little underweight. I always did. And now I'm a bit normal.
Can't have that.
I remember last year when I used to watch BETHENNY GETTING MARRIED? in my home office, I used to watch how Bethenny and Jason would joke around and I would identify a bit. I'm a witty, loud, dark-haired woman who's trying to build an empire. And so is she. So now when I watch her, I reminisce about what my life was like for the past five years. And here I am already at a point over the past few weeks where I've been nostalgic. So Bethenny is bringing it out of me yet again.
I cried when she was at Alma's apartment and said no one was showing up to her wedding from her family. I cried when her mother-in-law said she finally had a daughter. It's not like I don't have my own budding-in, crazy, loud mouthed family. I do and they make their presence KNOWN. But I liked having a mother-in-law who seemed normal and thought I was normal and good for her son. I used to look in someone's eyes and think about what would happen if he was killed or got cancer and how my life would be destroyed, heaven forbid. And now...strangers.
I'm at the point in this process where the thrill of leaving is gone. Now it's the daily process of my life and moving it to where I want it to be. I keep saying that I KNOW that none of this would be possible, my current state of strength and self-reflection and ACTION, if we were still a couple. I wholeheartedly believe that.
But I miss planning my future. But "who knows what the future holds", right? I just feel like he was the love of my life and I'm lost a bit. I couldn't stop crying, for god sakes, all of last week. I know this is normal, but I don't like normal, even though I don't want people to think I'm abnormal. I want them to think I'm spectacular. That's the opposite of normal, right?
I wanna have fights in the car over what smells like poop. I want to tease someone. I want to laugh when he puts a ridiculous outfit on and applaud when he looks smashing. As he often did. I don't know if this temporary lapse of sanity and trip down memory lane is healthy! I don't know! But I just miss it. I miss feeling like I matter to someone.
And maybe that's it. Maybe I really have to digest this idea that I have to matter to myself. Because if I tree fell in the woods, and if no one heard it, the tree knows it fell. Is that enough?
This is the other part where I want to emulate Bethenny Frankel. I need to get a post-baby body. I never had it. I never had a baby, but I need those abs. I think her and I share another thing. I think we both look good just a little underweight. I always did. And now I'm a bit normal.
Can't have that.
Cleanse: Day Seven (late)
I'm realizing how much I love cheese and things that bring me warmth and comfort. It's cold out and I really need to eat something that makes me feel warm yummy goodness.
By no means am I depriving myself of good food and flavors, but I think I could do better with food that makes me excited. I need more food that's of the stick to your ribs variety.
And dairy is that for me in a lot of ways. I love yogurt and I love cheese. I love things that are creamy. So on the eve of Week Two, I realize how dependent I am on those things. It's good to have that awareness for sure.
I made this five layer dip, which was fine, except it could have used some real crunchy chips. I got these baked multigrain chips from Fresh and Easy which were like cardboard versions of Sun Chips. They were a huge miss.
My meatballs stunk. I had to add so much breadcrumbs to them that they weren't really meatballs anymore. They were dense and flavorless. They filled my stomach like a matzo ball, but they weren't great. The homemade ketchup I made was delicious and had me craving french fries.
I can have seafood this week, so I'm going to try and focus on having yummy seafood. Maybe I'll poach some fish this week. Something healthy. I can also go to my local Korean market and get sashimi pretty cheap. But I know I'll want something warm with veggies that have olive oil drizzled on them. I need hearty!
Right now I'm just feeling like I'm missing something. So either my waistline needs to start shrinking a lot this week without the chicken, white and wheat flour and pan fried foods, or I'm going to have to find heartier things to eat.
By no means am I depriving myself of good food and flavors, but I think I could do better with food that makes me excited. I need more food that's of the stick to your ribs variety.
And dairy is that for me in a lot of ways. I love yogurt and I love cheese. I love things that are creamy. So on the eve of Week Two, I realize how dependent I am on those things. It's good to have that awareness for sure.
I made this five layer dip, which was fine, except it could have used some real crunchy chips. I got these baked multigrain chips from Fresh and Easy which were like cardboard versions of Sun Chips. They were a huge miss.
My meatballs stunk. I had to add so much breadcrumbs to them that they weren't really meatballs anymore. They were dense and flavorless. They filled my stomach like a matzo ball, but they weren't great. The homemade ketchup I made was delicious and had me craving french fries.
I can have seafood this week, so I'm going to try and focus on having yummy seafood. Maybe I'll poach some fish this week. Something healthy. I can also go to my local Korean market and get sashimi pretty cheap. But I know I'll want something warm with veggies that have olive oil drizzled on them. I need hearty!
Right now I'm just feeling like I'm missing something. So either my waistline needs to start shrinking a lot this week without the chicken, white and wheat flour and pan fried foods, or I'm going to have to find heartier things to eat.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Cleanse: Day Six
Oh my cravings!
Today was all about cravings. I wanted to jack off fifty times. I went to Fresh and Easy and wanted red velvet cupcakes and gelato and a hamburger and cheese and nachos and tacos and...can we just get off the subject?
Then I realized that I do need something satisfying and festive and yummy. Tomorrow is the Oscars and I should watch it and not feel totally deprived. So I got some baked tortilla chips made with sea salt. And I got some ground chicken to make meatballs, since I can still have bread until tomorrow (they are made with breadcrumbs). Then I wanted to make a seven layer dip, but I can't have cheese or sour cream. So I got some organic pinto beans in the can (made with pinto beans, water and sea salt - no preservatives) and I'm going to cook them down and make them refried beans (no oil). That's layer one. Layer two will some smoky hot sauce from my mexican deli (made fresh), layer three will be guacamole, layer four will be olives, layer five will be fresh pico de gallo that I made. And that's it. So it's a five layer dip. That's just fine. I'll do a crudite with a chickpea dip. And then I'll watch the oscars with my pellegrino and lime. But at least I won't feel like I'm missing out.
I needed comfort today. Partially because I still miss the ex boyfriend, but I didn't cry today. I just tried to focus on positive things. That's sometimes hard to do. I spent a good part of the day not talking to anyone. I just needed to be in my head a bit. I've got some writing to do and it's helpful to have a cone of silence. I'm probably going to wait out this cold weather and go to the neighborhood Starbucks and get some writing done. It feels like a good night to do that.
I'm waiting for the pounds to melt away. Maybe that will start happening once I start cutting out chicken, soy, sugars, and flour this week.
Oh, also went to the Korean market today. They had a ton of sashimi already cut for 10 bucks. It must have been close to 30 pieces. I know what I'm eating next week.
Today was all about cravings. I wanted to jack off fifty times. I went to Fresh and Easy and wanted red velvet cupcakes and gelato and a hamburger and cheese and nachos and tacos and...can we just get off the subject?
Then I realized that I do need something satisfying and festive and yummy. Tomorrow is the Oscars and I should watch it and not feel totally deprived. So I got some baked tortilla chips made with sea salt. And I got some ground chicken to make meatballs, since I can still have bread until tomorrow (they are made with breadcrumbs). Then I wanted to make a seven layer dip, but I can't have cheese or sour cream. So I got some organic pinto beans in the can (made with pinto beans, water and sea salt - no preservatives) and I'm going to cook them down and make them refried beans (no oil). That's layer one. Layer two will some smoky hot sauce from my mexican deli (made fresh), layer three will be guacamole, layer four will be olives, layer five will be fresh pico de gallo that I made. And that's it. So it's a five layer dip. That's just fine. I'll do a crudite with a chickpea dip. And then I'll watch the oscars with my pellegrino and lime. But at least I won't feel like I'm missing out.
I needed comfort today. Partially because I still miss the ex boyfriend, but I didn't cry today. I just tried to focus on positive things. That's sometimes hard to do. I spent a good part of the day not talking to anyone. I just needed to be in my head a bit. I've got some writing to do and it's helpful to have a cone of silence. I'm probably going to wait out this cold weather and go to the neighborhood Starbucks and get some writing done. It feels like a good night to do that.
I'm waiting for the pounds to melt away. Maybe that will start happening once I start cutting out chicken, soy, sugars, and flour this week.
Oh, also went to the Korean market today. They had a ton of sashimi already cut for 10 bucks. It must have been close to 30 pieces. I know what I'm eating next week.
Cleanse: Day Five
ENERGY: High
Lots of energy today. It seems like my energy is leveling off. I'm not getting too tired throughout the day. I seem to have in general a pretty good level of sustained energy. No big peaks or valleys.
HUNGER: Low
I had my oatmeal this morning. I think the combo of the psyllium and the oatmeal is helping curb my hunger. My constant need to snack is gone. I snack in between meals when I'm hungry, but it's not overboard.
ATTITUDE: Good, then sad
The good part is that I'm getting shit done and feeling great. The sad part I described in the blog "A Good Cry." Because I had a great cry. A great big, fat, ugly, hard to speak through cry. And I feel better for the most part.
EXERCISE: P90X Legs and Back
Grrr. I love this work out. It allows me to do tons of pull ups and chin ups and then there are the leg exercises. The "super skater", the "wall squats", the "groucho walks", the three way lunge (my friend Tim used to try to do these with me and then felt like he couldn't accomplish them fully because he didn't have a dancer's background - actually that was his excuse when he didn't want to exercise). It does feel dancerly and I can feel that my core is much stronger and my alignment is better than when I used to do these exercises. It feels great. I'm feeling accomplished - little did I know that this super achievement was just to mask my sadness and that I'd shut the door to my office and start crying later. But at least I didn't cry at the gym.
Lots of energy today. It seems like my energy is leveling off. I'm not getting too tired throughout the day. I seem to have in general a pretty good level of sustained energy. No big peaks or valleys.
HUNGER: Low
I had my oatmeal this morning. I think the combo of the psyllium and the oatmeal is helping curb my hunger. My constant need to snack is gone. I snack in between meals when I'm hungry, but it's not overboard.
ATTITUDE: Good, then sad
The good part is that I'm getting shit done and feeling great. The sad part I described in the blog "A Good Cry." Because I had a great cry. A great big, fat, ugly, hard to speak through cry. And I feel better for the most part.
EXERCISE: P90X Legs and Back
Grrr. I love this work out. It allows me to do tons of pull ups and chin ups and then there are the leg exercises. The "super skater", the "wall squats", the "groucho walks", the three way lunge (my friend Tim used to try to do these with me and then felt like he couldn't accomplish them fully because he didn't have a dancer's background - actually that was his excuse when he didn't want to exercise). It does feel dancerly and I can feel that my core is much stronger and my alignment is better than when I used to do these exercises. It feels great. I'm feeling accomplished - little did I know that this super achievement was just to mask my sadness and that I'd shut the door to my office and start crying later. But at least I didn't cry at the gym.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Cleanse: Day Four
Okay, so I'm a day late on this one. But here's the update:
ENERGY: high
HUNGER: low
EXERCISE: none
ATTITUDE: great, except for missing my ex boyfriend in the afternoon
Hopefully, I'm over the hump. The big news yesterday is how much I've been pooping. It's not painful, but because of the psyllium, it's getting all of the deep stuff and bringing it out. I know, it's gross. But I pooped three times in the morning. It's good...it's CLEANSING.
I went out to lunch yesterday, and managed to eat well. I'm also starting to do steel cut oats in the morning with cranberries and almond milk. That's keeping me full throughout the day. Managing my hunger has been the big thing. I've been so fucking hungry on days two and three.
ENERGY: high
HUNGER: low
EXERCISE: none
ATTITUDE: great, except for missing my ex boyfriend in the afternoon
Hopefully, I'm over the hump. The big news yesterday is how much I've been pooping. It's not painful, but because of the psyllium, it's getting all of the deep stuff and bringing it out. I know, it's gross. But I pooped three times in the morning. It's good...it's CLEANSING.
I went out to lunch yesterday, and managed to eat well. I'm also starting to do steel cut oats in the morning with cranberries and almond milk. That's keeping me full throughout the day. Managing my hunger has been the big thing. I've been so fucking hungry on days two and three.
A Good Cry
So since I found out that I'm a semi-finalist for the O'Neill Playwrights Festival, the ex has really been on my mind. I know he loves this play and have felt that he would be excited about this news. Yesterday, my thoughts about my ex got a lot deeper. I really started to miss him and I even considered calling him to tell him about the festival. I was knee deep in it at this point.
I called my friend Susan and my friends Victor and Steve. No one was around. I poured it all into the pilot I'm writing. And I felt fine.
This morning, I'm watching Bethenny Getting Married? on Bravo, in anticipation for Bethenny Ever After's premiere next week. There's this scene, before her wedding, where her and her fiance Jason are talking to the woman presiding over the ceremony about who from their respective families is going to be at the wedding. And Bethenny said, "No one." Then she breaks down when she has to say OUT LOUD that no one in her family is going to be there. And this got me. I got teary. I probably got emotional because last time it was on, I got emotional. Yes, I thought about my ex a little bit because I thought that we would get married one day.
Then I talked to Susan when she called me this morning. I recounted the story with her and then BURST INTO TEARS, so much that I was having problems talking. I just have to say that I really miss him. And it just has to be okay. As strong as I've been over the past three months, today I miss him. And when I saw how caring Jason was with Bethenny and how he took care of her, it just made me sad. And now that I think about it, it's not sad because of how my ex was. But it's because he wasn't that way as often as I wished he had been. And when he was, it was beautiful, but I was more of the caretaker in the relationship.
And yes, I'm cleansing. And being off of caffeine, sugar and booze is enough to drive anyone to tears. But I really wanted to be able to talk to him about the O'Neill because I knew that he'd immediately get it. I think I just wanted the hug that I've been chasing all of these years from my Dad. That's what Susan said. And it is about my Dad. It's about approval and all of that shit I know I'll never get from him, so instead I wrote a play about it, which is a semi-finalist for a major theatre festival and I seek that out in the men I date.
Talk about cleansing. But now that we've dug this deep, there's bound to be more there. I'll make sure to carry Kleenex with me everywhere.
I called my friend Susan and my friends Victor and Steve. No one was around. I poured it all into the pilot I'm writing. And I felt fine.
This morning, I'm watching Bethenny Getting Married? on Bravo, in anticipation for Bethenny Ever After's premiere next week. There's this scene, before her wedding, where her and her fiance Jason are talking to the woman presiding over the ceremony about who from their respective families is going to be at the wedding. And Bethenny said, "No one." Then she breaks down when she has to say OUT LOUD that no one in her family is going to be there. And this got me. I got teary. I probably got emotional because last time it was on, I got emotional. Yes, I thought about my ex a little bit because I thought that we would get married one day.
Then I talked to Susan when she called me this morning. I recounted the story with her and then BURST INTO TEARS, so much that I was having problems talking. I just have to say that I really miss him. And it just has to be okay. As strong as I've been over the past three months, today I miss him. And when I saw how caring Jason was with Bethenny and how he took care of her, it just made me sad. And now that I think about it, it's not sad because of how my ex was. But it's because he wasn't that way as often as I wished he had been. And when he was, it was beautiful, but I was more of the caretaker in the relationship.
And yes, I'm cleansing. And being off of caffeine, sugar and booze is enough to drive anyone to tears. But I really wanted to be able to talk to him about the O'Neill because I knew that he'd immediately get it. I think I just wanted the hug that I've been chasing all of these years from my Dad. That's what Susan said. And it is about my Dad. It's about approval and all of that shit I know I'll never get from him, so instead I wrote a play about it, which is a semi-finalist for a major theatre festival and I seek that out in the men I date.
Talk about cleansing. But now that we've dug this deep, there's bound to be more there. I'll make sure to carry Kleenex with me everywhere.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Cleanse: Day Three
Today has been much better. I woke up a little tired, but I went to the gym this morning. I ran into this guy who was my Handsome Brit before I met the Handsome Brit. And by the way, the Handsome Brit was not at the gym today. Boo hoo. Will I ever see him again? But this guy, Bobby (yes, a 40ish year old guy named Bobby), still looks good and was very flirty at the gym. I like that.
Still eating everything in sight. But I think that's okay. Don't seem to be getting fat. Hopefully the lack of caffeine will kick my metabolism back in gear. And I'm working out hard, so I hope that it's all working for me.
I hope I'm over the hump. I need to kick it into high gear.
Still eating everything in sight. But I think that's okay. Don't seem to be getting fat. Hopefully the lack of caffeine will kick my metabolism back in gear. And I'm working out hard, so I hope that it's all working for me.
I hope I'm over the hump. I need to kick it into high gear.
The Men in My Life
Actually, I should say, the men who are not in my life.
I have no mens right now. And that's fine. I think I might be using these next three weeks to cleanse from mens as well. I just need to exercise, relax, write and get all of the toxins out.
I hope it doesn't make this blog boring or too spiritual. But I'm waiting to have some revelations, y'all.
I'm in the practice of doing things that feel a bit foreign to me and deciding what I like and what I want to keep. It's like window shopping. I'm going to leave the tags on, but I'm going to take home what looks good and see if it can be incorporated with the rest of the things in my closet or if I need to get rid of a few things.
I'm ready for more change and more revelations. Bring it!
I have no mens right now. And that's fine. I think I might be using these next three weeks to cleanse from mens as well. I just need to exercise, relax, write and get all of the toxins out.
I hope it doesn't make this blog boring or too spiritual. But I'm waiting to have some revelations, y'all.
I'm in the practice of doing things that feel a bit foreign to me and deciding what I like and what I want to keep. It's like window shopping. I'm going to leave the tags on, but I'm going to take home what looks good and see if it can be incorporated with the rest of the things in my closet or if I need to get rid of a few things.
I'm ready for more change and more revelations. Bring it!
Cleanse: Day Two, Part 2
Okay, so this won't become the Cleanse Blog, I swear.
But yesterday was a shitty day. I felt sick. I felt scratchy and achy. I felt like I was going to die. My brother even said that it was because of the caffeine. It's a drug.
Isn't it funny the things that you put into your body, the things that you decide to take in, that are bad for you?
Just reflecting.
I had a tea with a friend and work associate last night which was wonderful, but I literally felt so light-headed and out of it the whole time. I think I haven't quite figured out the hunger thing. I think I underate and was also dealing with caffeine withdrawl. But I couldn't shovel things into my mouth fast enough, that's for sure. It was absolutely horrible.
My poo, on the other hand, is lovely.
But yesterday was a shitty day. I felt sick. I felt scratchy and achy. I felt like I was going to die. My brother even said that it was because of the caffeine. It's a drug.
Isn't it funny the things that you put into your body, the things that you decide to take in, that are bad for you?
Just reflecting.
I had a tea with a friend and work associate last night which was wonderful, but I literally felt so light-headed and out of it the whole time. I think I haven't quite figured out the hunger thing. I think I underate and was also dealing with caffeine withdrawl. But I couldn't shovel things into my mouth fast enough, that's for sure. It was absolutely horrible.
My poo, on the other hand, is lovely.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Cleanse: Day Two, Part I
I have a headache.
Uh, I really think this caffeine thing is getting to me. Actually, my friend Susan said it might be the toxins leaving my body. Like after a massage. So I guess I just need to drink shitloads of water.
I just went and got more water. I'm supposed to drink something like eight 12 oz glasses a day or twelve 8 oz glasses--ugh, my brain is leaving me. I'm all achey. Good thing I'm not really around people most of the day. I'm feeling bitchy.
Well...it IS a detox. And while I'm not on drugs, I guess they're not supposed to feel good. If I was really good, I'd decide to go on a run or do something really healthy and physical this afternoon. But I'm not that good. Maybe later, but right now I just want to scream.
Susan also told me asked me earlier today why I hadn't Facebooked the news about being a semi-finalist for the O'Neill. Or AT the O'Neill. I'm not sure what the proper terminology is. I guess I thought that until it was official and I wasn't in, that it really wasn't news.
She put it on my wall as we were speaking. She wasn't about to let me get away with that. You have to celebrate every success, she said. I did this when I got into NYU too. I didn't want to make it a big deal. I felt like I couldn't enjoy it or celebrate. Well, maybe that's why these things aren't happening. I'm not putting the energy out that I'd appreciate or value them.
That's another thing to detox out of my system, then...isn't it.
I forgot the categories I'm supposed to update because my head hurts so damn much, but here's my attempt:
ENERGY: low (LOW)
ATTITUDE: Poor
MOOD: Bad
And whatever else the fourth category was: 4
Ugh.
Uh, I really think this caffeine thing is getting to me. Actually, my friend Susan said it might be the toxins leaving my body. Like after a massage. So I guess I just need to drink shitloads of water.
I just went and got more water. I'm supposed to drink something like eight 12 oz glasses a day or twelve 8 oz glasses--ugh, my brain is leaving me. I'm all achey. Good thing I'm not really around people most of the day. I'm feeling bitchy.
Well...it IS a detox. And while I'm not on drugs, I guess they're not supposed to feel good. If I was really good, I'd decide to go on a run or do something really healthy and physical this afternoon. But I'm not that good. Maybe later, but right now I just want to scream.
Susan also told me asked me earlier today why I hadn't Facebooked the news about being a semi-finalist for the O'Neill. Or AT the O'Neill. I'm not sure what the proper terminology is. I guess I thought that until it was official and I wasn't in, that it really wasn't news.
She put it on my wall as we were speaking. She wasn't about to let me get away with that. You have to celebrate every success, she said. I did this when I got into NYU too. I didn't want to make it a big deal. I felt like I couldn't enjoy it or celebrate. Well, maybe that's why these things aren't happening. I'm not putting the energy out that I'd appreciate or value them.
That's another thing to detox out of my system, then...isn't it.
I forgot the categories I'm supposed to update because my head hurts so damn much, but here's my attempt:
ENERGY: low (LOW)
ATTITUDE: Poor
MOOD: Bad
And whatever else the fourth category was: 4
Ugh.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Blame it on the Cleanse
I'll make this quick because I'm embarrassed.
Saw a pic of New Haven last week with a dude that actually my friend was supposed to set me up with. Both cute looking in tuxes. They may be friends, but it got me thinking. Things between us ended abruptly. Was there another dude in the picture?
Then I saw that he liked my status on FB today. And I decided to look on his page to see what he has been up to. We're supposed to get together to do healthy meals soon.
Status changed from "Single" to "in a relationship." WHAT?
Was he seeing someone while we were...oh, jeez. I had just gotten off of my emotional rollercoaster last night (see a couple blogs back) to get on another today?
So I did something that was fine, but I could have thought it out a bit. I sent an email. "Hey, that was quick." - was the gist of the email. I managed to be a bit more polite, but didn't mask my dislike.
Of course I got an email back from him questioning my dislike and saying that they had known each other for a while (a pattern) and had sparked during the Super Bowl. So there was no overlap.
I was a little embarrassed. but listen, I just wanted him to be upfront. So it wasn't me accusing him of not per se, but it was more about me saying, "Let's just set this up as a way we communicate."
Okay, I totally thought he was lying to me before. I was accusatory, even though I told him I wasn't. I just didn't want to get into it. I was pissed in the moment before I sent the email. then I realized what an ass I was being. I want New Haven to be happy. I still don't know if his new dude is the dude in the pic. I don't care. What this made me realize was that I need to be dating, if I'm going to let something like New Haven's relationship status distract me. That, or be distracted in other ways.
But maybe my mood was affected by the detoxing. I certainly got rid of some major toxins in that email and I spewed them all over New Haven. I'm an asshole for doing that.
I blame it on the cleanse.
Saw a pic of New Haven last week with a dude that actually my friend was supposed to set me up with. Both cute looking in tuxes. They may be friends, but it got me thinking. Things between us ended abruptly. Was there another dude in the picture?
Then I saw that he liked my status on FB today. And I decided to look on his page to see what he has been up to. We're supposed to get together to do healthy meals soon.
Status changed from "Single" to "in a relationship." WHAT?
Was he seeing someone while we were...oh, jeez. I had just gotten off of my emotional rollercoaster last night (see a couple blogs back) to get on another today?
So I did something that was fine, but I could have thought it out a bit. I sent an email. "Hey, that was quick." - was the gist of the email. I managed to be a bit more polite, but didn't mask my dislike.
Of course I got an email back from him questioning my dislike and saying that they had known each other for a while (a pattern) and had sparked during the Super Bowl. So there was no overlap.
I was a little embarrassed. but listen, I just wanted him to be upfront. So it wasn't me accusing him of not per se, but it was more about me saying, "Let's just set this up as a way we communicate."
Okay, I totally thought he was lying to me before. I was accusatory, even though I told him I wasn't. I just didn't want to get into it. I was pissed in the moment before I sent the email. then I realized what an ass I was being. I want New Haven to be happy. I still don't know if his new dude is the dude in the pic. I don't care. What this made me realize was that I need to be dating, if I'm going to let something like New Haven's relationship status distract me. That, or be distracted in other ways.
But maybe my mood was affected by the detoxing. I certainly got rid of some major toxins in that email and I spewed them all over New Haven. I'm an asshole for doing that.
I blame it on the cleanse.
Cleanse: Day One
A friend suggested I do a poo journal. I just wanted to say upfront that I will be sparing you from knowing my updated poo status.
I'm going to break my daily status into a few categories, so it's clear what's going on with my body from the get-go. Then if you want to continue and read my clever reflections, you can continue on. :)
ENERGY: medium
HUNGER: low, except when went to run errands and ran out of energy around 5.
EXERCISE: p90X Chest, Shoulders and Tri Workout
ATTITUDE: great, except for one small moment, which I'll explain separately
So I woke up and started my routine this morning. Psyllium husk powder mixed with water first thing in the morning. That's basically "Colon Cleanse." Someone said that it'll make me fart like crazy, that hasn't happened yet. And it never happened the other times I used psyllium. I might update you on my gas schedule.
Then I had some hard boiled eggs and this cabbage salad I made for breakfast. I actually just realized that I was way less gassy than I usually am. I'm usually a total gas tank. Did my grocery shopping for the week and I just finished making food for the week. I'm organized.
I worked out then came home and made one of my favorite meals: tostadas. I found a baked premade corn tortilla shell from the Mexican supermarket in the hood. Piled on some black beans, lettuce, that vinegared slaw I made, guacamole and salsa. Felt healthy, light, filling and it looked pretty. In order for me to stick to this cleanse, all of my meals need to hit that criteria.
Ran around, went to the Korean Spa and came home and cooked for a couple of hours. My energy is low. I haven't had caffeine. No headaches, but I could have more energy. However, I will say this. My energy hasn't plummeted. It never spiked and it never took a dip. So I just had a general yawny attitude all day. Nothing horrible. Hopefully my energy will come back tomorrow.
And there you have it. No big thing. Oh, here's the food I made:
Chicken Breasts marinaded in a Wet Adobo and baked
Black beans made fresh - using in black bean patties I'll make tomorrow morning.
Red cabbage slaw - no mayo, only red wine vinegar and oil. Looks pretty.
Quinoa w/ spinach, red peppers, roasted brussel sprouts, roasted onions, cranberries, and dressed in olive oil and lemon. Would have added toasted almonds to that if I had remembered to get them.
And that should get me through at least half the week. I have a canellini bean dish planned, salads, a vegan chili and maybe a roast chicken for the rest of the week if I need it.
I'm eating a good amount. I'm interested to see if I start taking weight off. Will keep you posted!
I'm going to break my daily status into a few categories, so it's clear what's going on with my body from the get-go. Then if you want to continue and read my clever reflections, you can continue on. :)
ENERGY: medium
HUNGER: low, except when went to run errands and ran out of energy around 5.
EXERCISE: p90X Chest, Shoulders and Tri Workout
ATTITUDE: great, except for one small moment, which I'll explain separately
So I woke up and started my routine this morning. Psyllium husk powder mixed with water first thing in the morning. That's basically "Colon Cleanse." Someone said that it'll make me fart like crazy, that hasn't happened yet. And it never happened the other times I used psyllium. I might update you on my gas schedule.
Then I had some hard boiled eggs and this cabbage salad I made for breakfast. I actually just realized that I was way less gassy than I usually am. I'm usually a total gas tank. Did my grocery shopping for the week and I just finished making food for the week. I'm organized.
I worked out then came home and made one of my favorite meals: tostadas. I found a baked premade corn tortilla shell from the Mexican supermarket in the hood. Piled on some black beans, lettuce, that vinegared slaw I made, guacamole and salsa. Felt healthy, light, filling and it looked pretty. In order for me to stick to this cleanse, all of my meals need to hit that criteria.
Ran around, went to the Korean Spa and came home and cooked for a couple of hours. My energy is low. I haven't had caffeine. No headaches, but I could have more energy. However, I will say this. My energy hasn't plummeted. It never spiked and it never took a dip. So I just had a general yawny attitude all day. Nothing horrible. Hopefully my energy will come back tomorrow.
And there you have it. No big thing. Oh, here's the food I made:
Chicken Breasts marinaded in a Wet Adobo and baked
Black beans made fresh - using in black bean patties I'll make tomorrow morning.
Red cabbage slaw - no mayo, only red wine vinegar and oil. Looks pretty.
Quinoa w/ spinach, red peppers, roasted brussel sprouts, roasted onions, cranberries, and dressed in olive oil and lemon. Would have added toasted almonds to that if I had remembered to get them.
And that should get me through at least half the week. I have a canellini bean dish planned, salads, a vegan chili and maybe a roast chicken for the rest of the week if I need it.
I'm eating a good amount. I'm interested to see if I start taking weight off. Will keep you posted!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Someone to hold you too close...
I got a letter a few days ago that I just opened from the Eugene O'Neill Theatre Center in Waterford, CT. For those non-theatre geeks, the O'Neill has this Playwrights Conference every year and it's a big deal to get in. I'm so used to getting a zillion rejection letters, so I just opened up the letter quickly. Well, I'm a semi-finalist, which is also a big deal. On top of normal circumstances, it seems like it was a big submission year.
So I told my Mom and Dad, who know I'm a playwright because I tell them I'm a playwright, but they don't quite understand it. It's not that they don't understand it's a big deal, but they aren't theatre people. They're super proud because they're awesome. But the writing thing is kind of my own thing. They don't really understand what I do. I got a little teary because it really is a big deal.
I told my friend Susan, who HAS been at the O'Neill. And she was like "Oh My God! That's a huge deal and every literary manager is going to know your play because they're on the committee. And you'll have people coming up to you years later asking you if you're the guy who wrote that play. People you've never met."
Wow. So won't just be the guy whose boss throws those big parties at the Humana Festival every year. The Humana Festival is another theatre thing. It's also a big deal, but I've only gone for work. I haven't been produced there yet. But the O'Neill...yeah, it's awesome.
So as you know, I'm doing this cleanse starting tomorrow. And I decided to go have my last supper. And for that Last Supper, I decided to have 5 tacos: two asada, two carnitas and one chorizo. I'm enjoying my tacos in the fluorescent lit Tacos El Gavilan. And I'm watching the spanish language equivalent of E! News. And I'm thinking about what Susan said. And I think, "Wow. This is the biggest theatre thing that's ever happened to me." And if it only goes this far, it's still the biggest thing that's happened at this point in my career.
Then it comes. I think about my ex. He loves this play. He thinks it's the best thing I've written. And then I start to tear up. I hurry up and shove the tacos down my throat so I'm not causing a scene in the taco place. I get to my car and I start to cry. A bunch of high school guys (CUTE high school guys) get out of the car next to me and I lock eyes with the cutest guy. I can't have this pussy-faggot-I'm-Missing-My-Ex-boyfriend-moment with him watching. So the tears dry up.
I pull down a side street and I let it go. I cry because I can't call him up. I cry because he always had such a look of pride when he told people about the play (which I wrote about my paternal grandmother). I cry because he would be thrilled for me. I cry because I don't have HIM to share this with and he would totally get it. Then he would start bragging to his family, our friends, his clients, anyone he could brag to. Because he honestly would be proud. And I always wanted to make him proud.
Then he would say, "See, this is what you should be doing. You're too smart to be doing that TV bullshit." Or, "You should be writing more plays. I wouldn't have a problem paying for everything (which isn't totally true, but how he saw it). If you wrote stuff like this all the time..." And on and on.
By this point my tears are dry. And finish the rest of my drive tear-free.
So I told my Mom and Dad, who know I'm a playwright because I tell them I'm a playwright, but they don't quite understand it. It's not that they don't understand it's a big deal, but they aren't theatre people. They're super proud because they're awesome. But the writing thing is kind of my own thing. They don't really understand what I do. I got a little teary because it really is a big deal.
I told my friend Susan, who HAS been at the O'Neill. And she was like "Oh My God! That's a huge deal and every literary manager is going to know your play because they're on the committee. And you'll have people coming up to you years later asking you if you're the guy who wrote that play. People you've never met."
Wow. So won't just be the guy whose boss throws those big parties at the Humana Festival every year. The Humana Festival is another theatre thing. It's also a big deal, but I've only gone for work. I haven't been produced there yet. But the O'Neill...yeah, it's awesome.
So as you know, I'm doing this cleanse starting tomorrow. And I decided to go have my last supper. And for that Last Supper, I decided to have 5 tacos: two asada, two carnitas and one chorizo. I'm enjoying my tacos in the fluorescent lit Tacos El Gavilan. And I'm watching the spanish language equivalent of E! News. And I'm thinking about what Susan said. And I think, "Wow. This is the biggest theatre thing that's ever happened to me." And if it only goes this far, it's still the biggest thing that's happened at this point in my career.
Then it comes. I think about my ex. He loves this play. He thinks it's the best thing I've written. And then I start to tear up. I hurry up and shove the tacos down my throat so I'm not causing a scene in the taco place. I get to my car and I start to cry. A bunch of high school guys (CUTE high school guys) get out of the car next to me and I lock eyes with the cutest guy. I can't have this pussy-faggot-I'm-Missing-My-Ex-boyfriend-moment with him watching. So the tears dry up.
I pull down a side street and I let it go. I cry because I can't call him up. I cry because he always had such a look of pride when he told people about the play (which I wrote about my paternal grandmother). I cry because he would be thrilled for me. I cry because I don't have HIM to share this with and he would totally get it. Then he would start bragging to his family, our friends, his clients, anyone he could brag to. Because he honestly would be proud. And I always wanted to make him proud.
Then he would say, "See, this is what you should be doing. You're too smart to be doing that TV bullshit." Or, "You should be writing more plays. I wouldn't have a problem paying for everything (which isn't totally true, but how he saw it). If you wrote stuff like this all the time..." And on and on.
By this point my tears are dry. And finish the rest of my drive tear-free.
Sticky Rice
I was just having a conversation with my friend Tony who was just in town where I said that I had never been with an Asian guy. I'm half Asian, btw. I just don't find them that attractive usually.
I was at the gym this afternoon and went into the steam room and saw this guy who was so attractive. He seemed half-Chinese to me. Maybe half white? Great body. Was checking me out.
We were in the shower across from each other and he mouthed something. I couldn't hear him, but my hearing is bad. So I asked him what he said again. He mouthed "forget it." I guess it would look a little weird if we were having a total conversation in showers across from each other.
We checked each other out a few times and then he mouthed: "I have to go." He pointed to his wrist as if it were a watch, so I'd understand. I nodded.
When I was changing I introduced myself to him. And he said something, but it seemed like maybe he was either Chinese from China or deaf, because I couldn't really understand him.
He's deaf. And his name is Jeff. It was when he said he name I got it. And just in case I didn't hear him, he then told me he was deaf.
And then I remembered what I said in the shower, repeatedly:
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
I'm an asshole.
Bye, bye cute Chinese deaf Jeff. Thanks for breaking my indifference to people of my own kind.
I was at the gym this afternoon and went into the steam room and saw this guy who was so attractive. He seemed half-Chinese to me. Maybe half white? Great body. Was checking me out.
We were in the shower across from each other and he mouthed something. I couldn't hear him, but my hearing is bad. So I asked him what he said again. He mouthed "forget it." I guess it would look a little weird if we were having a total conversation in showers across from each other.
We checked each other out a few times and then he mouthed: "I have to go." He pointed to his wrist as if it were a watch, so I'd understand. I nodded.
When I was changing I introduced myself to him. And he said something, but it seemed like maybe he was either Chinese from China or deaf, because I couldn't really understand him.
He's deaf. And his name is Jeff. It was when he said he name I got it. And just in case I didn't hear him, he then told me he was deaf.
And then I remembered what I said in the shower, repeatedly:
I CAN'T HEAR YOU
I'm an asshole.
Bye, bye cute Chinese deaf Jeff. Thanks for breaking my indifference to people of my own kind.
Fun Factory Shuts Down
Oy, now I remember why I don't party any more.
My friend Tony was in town this weekend and we had a great weekend catching up. He's also from NYC, so he wanted to check out the Weho scene. And we checked it out, top to bottom. Ha, ha.
But my body just can't handle that much drinking and staying up late. I'm getting old. So I'm heading into this cleanse with much vigor and enthusiasm.
But as the final blow out before 21 days of no boozing, coffee drinking or cigs (which I'm putting down for good after this cleanse), it was a good one. Tony and I went to Fubar on Friday night because I'm a huge fan of "Dance Bitch." I love shaking my groove thing with a bunch of guys in a small bar. Because of the holiday weekend, it was actually not that crazy busy. Tony and I are both popular boys, so we ran into friends with both knew. It seemed that all of Tony's NY buddies randomly happened to be in LA this weekend.
And on the dance floor, there was this group of hot guys: a hot MJ inspired black dude with a red shirt, black leather jacket and newsboy cap. And a hot blondie who looked like a hot preppy, but could shake his ass. He was burning up the dance floor with his buddy. I immediately identified him as someone I wanted to meet. I love my preppy white boys. And having rhythm is better.
Tony and I also talked about the dichotomy of a masc guy who can queen out a bit. He looked like a guy who could throw a football around, then he was in the phone booth at the bar, lifting his legs up in the air and grinding with other hot dudes. Deelite's "Groove is in the Heart" was playing. I'm busting out my early 90s dance moves and then he comes behind me and starts playing off of me. I died. It was a "Solid Gold" moment.
Then we went to the Faultline for bears and their admirers on Saturday night. I have to say that I love a bear bar because I'm usually not the one who they're interested in. So I can just be a voyeur and enjoy myself without the pressure of trying to hit on dudes. My Tony was getting lots o' attention, though. He's a cute short gay. And on the hunt for other cute short gays. The funny thing was that even though the Faultline is a bar for bears, there were a number of skinny, Weho types that were probably just trying to escape the scene. That or they had fucked everyone in Weho already.
I was impressed with the bear strippers, who were working the pole. A chunky monkey who can work a pole? Genius. And the music: Le Roux, Gossip, Whitney Houston, Lady Gaga. As I said before, I love dichotomy. And I got it in spades last night.
I also had to say to a couple of chubby Latin queens to back up. We were sitting at the bar, and these two guys come up to us and stare straight at me. I figured I'd be polite, so I said hello. Then the following exchange:
"You're in our seats."
"Your seats? From how long ago? We've been here for 15 minutes."
"You're in our seats."
I turned around. "I'm sorry. Where are your names on these bar stools?"
They just stared me down. "Really? You want us to get up and give you your seats back?"
"Yes."
"All right. Take your seats back. That you left behind over 15 minutes ago." With that, I got up. One of them managed to touch my back and grab my ass. "Are you FUCKING kidding me? Don't touch me."
Tony said that he couldn't believe I got up. This was my thought. If they need it that bad, then they can have it. I'm not going to fight over a seat. I can stand. And maybe they needed to take the load off. The silly thing was that they were so drunk, that one of them fell on the floor after he sat down.
But then they got up again! And we went back and sat down. Then they came back. I stood my ground. Finally, I was tired of sitting and went over to the guy I was talking to. And like clockwork, these guys had been keeping an eye out. And the swooped right in again. Some people.
Well, it made it all for an interesting night. And with that, the fun factory shuts down. I will be cleaning my body, working out and writing. I will not be chasing ridiculous gays. I will be a hermit for three weeks. And that is fine by me. I blew it out this weekend to remind myself of what I'm blowing off.
My friend Tony was in town this weekend and we had a great weekend catching up. He's also from NYC, so he wanted to check out the Weho scene. And we checked it out, top to bottom. Ha, ha.
But my body just can't handle that much drinking and staying up late. I'm getting old. So I'm heading into this cleanse with much vigor and enthusiasm.
But as the final blow out before 21 days of no boozing, coffee drinking or cigs (which I'm putting down for good after this cleanse), it was a good one. Tony and I went to Fubar on Friday night because I'm a huge fan of "Dance Bitch." I love shaking my groove thing with a bunch of guys in a small bar. Because of the holiday weekend, it was actually not that crazy busy. Tony and I are both popular boys, so we ran into friends with both knew. It seemed that all of Tony's NY buddies randomly happened to be in LA this weekend.
And on the dance floor, there was this group of hot guys: a hot MJ inspired black dude with a red shirt, black leather jacket and newsboy cap. And a hot blondie who looked like a hot preppy, but could shake his ass. He was burning up the dance floor with his buddy. I immediately identified him as someone I wanted to meet. I love my preppy white boys. And having rhythm is better.
Tony and I also talked about the dichotomy of a masc guy who can queen out a bit. He looked like a guy who could throw a football around, then he was in the phone booth at the bar, lifting his legs up in the air and grinding with other hot dudes. Deelite's "Groove is in the Heart" was playing. I'm busting out my early 90s dance moves and then he comes behind me and starts playing off of me. I died. It was a "Solid Gold" moment.
Then we went to the Faultline for bears and their admirers on Saturday night. I have to say that I love a bear bar because I'm usually not the one who they're interested in. So I can just be a voyeur and enjoy myself without the pressure of trying to hit on dudes. My Tony was getting lots o' attention, though. He's a cute short gay. And on the hunt for other cute short gays. The funny thing was that even though the Faultline is a bar for bears, there were a number of skinny, Weho types that were probably just trying to escape the scene. That or they had fucked everyone in Weho already.
I was impressed with the bear strippers, who were working the pole. A chunky monkey who can work a pole? Genius. And the music: Le Roux, Gossip, Whitney Houston, Lady Gaga. As I said before, I love dichotomy. And I got it in spades last night.
I also had to say to a couple of chubby Latin queens to back up. We were sitting at the bar, and these two guys come up to us and stare straight at me. I figured I'd be polite, so I said hello. Then the following exchange:
"You're in our seats."
"Your seats? From how long ago? We've been here for 15 minutes."
"You're in our seats."
I turned around. "I'm sorry. Where are your names on these bar stools?"
They just stared me down. "Really? You want us to get up and give you your seats back?"
"Yes."
"All right. Take your seats back. That you left behind over 15 minutes ago." With that, I got up. One of them managed to touch my back and grab my ass. "Are you FUCKING kidding me? Don't touch me."
Tony said that he couldn't believe I got up. This was my thought. If they need it that bad, then they can have it. I'm not going to fight over a seat. I can stand. And maybe they needed to take the load off. The silly thing was that they were so drunk, that one of them fell on the floor after he sat down.
But then they got up again! And we went back and sat down. Then they came back. I stood my ground. Finally, I was tired of sitting and went over to the guy I was talking to. And like clockwork, these guys had been keeping an eye out. And the swooped right in again. Some people.
Well, it made it all for an interesting night. And with that, the fun factory shuts down. I will be cleaning my body, working out and writing. I will not be chasing ridiculous gays. I will be a hermit for three weeks. And that is fine by me. I blew it out this weekend to remind myself of what I'm blowing off.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Cleanse: Everyone In
Part of doing this cleanse, which I am starting on Monday and will document as a feature on the blog, is to set a goal to increase the chance that this will be a successful cleanse. So in order to make this commitment to myself, I want to write down why I'm doing it, so I can be accountable:
I have to start and complete this cleanse because I need to do something physical to rid myself of all the things I hold on to. One of the goals of this cleanse is to keep the body from working on processing empty calories. I think that's a great metaphor. I waste tons of energy on things of no value - people, thoughts, gossip, judgment, smoking, drinking. I need to experience life for three weeks without those things and see how I feel. Will I have more energy? Will I have more time to devote to things that are mentally and spiritually nutritious? I need to strengthen my immune system and have more energy for this new life that I'm creating for myself. I want more discipline and greater focus. Devoting myself to a three-week program and the resulting energy that it will bring me will help me attain greater discipline in my life. I eat things that go through the hands of many people in processing. I need to eat food directly that's made with my hands. I shouldn't let anyone be in control of my own mental and physical health. I've done that too much lately. So by eating the things I want to and tasting the tastes I want to taste, I am getting control back. And I am getting food in a more direct fashion, in a way where it doesn't lose its flavor or nutritional value.
I, of course, want to look hot and I want to see the layers of fat that I can't seem to get rid of melt away. I'm always working out and it seems like that final five or ten pounds always alludes me. It's the magic amount of weight that seems to keep me from seeing the true results of my workouts, which have been five to six times a week for the past couple of months. I am really dedicating myself to my workouts and it shows in my arms and my legs. But my chest isn't as defined as I want it to be and my stomach is flatter than it has been, but it does not serve to show off my shape. So I want what I have told myself was impossible because of genetics (a six pack or a really flat stomach) to be possible. I am not going to believe that thought that I can't have something that I want.
I want to test my will and push it to the limit and become a better person all around for it.
Okay. I've made the commitment. And it's about shopping and making the food necessary so I can start on Monday.
I have to start and complete this cleanse because I need to do something physical to rid myself of all the things I hold on to. One of the goals of this cleanse is to keep the body from working on processing empty calories. I think that's a great metaphor. I waste tons of energy on things of no value - people, thoughts, gossip, judgment, smoking, drinking. I need to experience life for three weeks without those things and see how I feel. Will I have more energy? Will I have more time to devote to things that are mentally and spiritually nutritious? I need to strengthen my immune system and have more energy for this new life that I'm creating for myself. I want more discipline and greater focus. Devoting myself to a three-week program and the resulting energy that it will bring me will help me attain greater discipline in my life. I eat things that go through the hands of many people in processing. I need to eat food directly that's made with my hands. I shouldn't let anyone be in control of my own mental and physical health. I've done that too much lately. So by eating the things I want to and tasting the tastes I want to taste, I am getting control back. And I am getting food in a more direct fashion, in a way where it doesn't lose its flavor or nutritional value.
I, of course, want to look hot and I want to see the layers of fat that I can't seem to get rid of melt away. I'm always working out and it seems like that final five or ten pounds always alludes me. It's the magic amount of weight that seems to keep me from seeing the true results of my workouts, which have been five to six times a week for the past couple of months. I am really dedicating myself to my workouts and it shows in my arms and my legs. But my chest isn't as defined as I want it to be and my stomach is flatter than it has been, but it does not serve to show off my shape. So I want what I have told myself was impossible because of genetics (a six pack or a really flat stomach) to be possible. I am not going to believe that thought that I can't have something that I want.
I want to test my will and push it to the limit and become a better person all around for it.
Okay. I've made the commitment. And it's about shopping and making the food necessary so I can start on Monday.
I Only Listen to My Horoscope When There's Good News For Me
Like Today:
This is a fantastic day for you, Aquarius. Join close friends and share a night on the town and fine meal. This is a chance to begin a new cycle of romance. Reflect on past relationship problems, examine their causes, and toss them away so you can invite in a new, uplifting energy for the next cycle of romance. Start a new relationship or strengthen the one you're in.
My close friend (Tony) and I are going for a night on the town (dirty gay bars in West Hollywood) and a fine meal (a slice of pizza or balls). This IS a chance to begin a new cycle of romance (meaningless but healing casual sex). Reflect on past relationship problems (been doing that all week and got some perspective from some friends I ran into last night), examine their causes (Exhibit A: This Blog), and toss them away so you can invite a new, uplifting energy (erections are uplifting) for the next cycle of romance (welcome!). Start a new relationship (tonight) or strengthen the one you're in (n/a).
I've spent most of today being sad and melancholy. Part of that is the weather. Part of that is being at work on a slow day before a holiday weekend. Part of that is the hangover from last night, since alcohol is a depressant. And part of that is the love hangover I've been experiencing for the past three months.
So I'm going to listen to my horoscope. I'm going to refocus my energy. I will be spa-ing later today or tomorrow. I'm going to see if I can go spinning with my friend, Victor, who has been asking me to do that with him for years. Maybe we'll go to the gangster gay bar he's been wanting to go to. I'm getting a new haircut tomorrow. Going to switch it up. And that cleanse I keep talking about starts on Monday.
Getting to it.
This is a fantastic day for you, Aquarius. Join close friends and share a night on the town and fine meal. This is a chance to begin a new cycle of romance. Reflect on past relationship problems, examine their causes, and toss them away so you can invite in a new, uplifting energy for the next cycle of romance. Start a new relationship or strengthen the one you're in.
My close friend (Tony) and I are going for a night on the town (dirty gay bars in West Hollywood) and a fine meal (a slice of pizza or balls). This IS a chance to begin a new cycle of romance (meaningless but healing casual sex). Reflect on past relationship problems (been doing that all week and got some perspective from some friends I ran into last night), examine their causes (Exhibit A: This Blog), and toss them away so you can invite a new, uplifting energy (erections are uplifting) for the next cycle of romance (welcome!). Start a new relationship (tonight) or strengthen the one you're in (n/a).
I've spent most of today being sad and melancholy. Part of that is the weather. Part of that is being at work on a slow day before a holiday weekend. Part of that is the hangover from last night, since alcohol is a depressant. And part of that is the love hangover I've been experiencing for the past three months.
So I'm going to listen to my horoscope. I'm going to refocus my energy. I will be spa-ing later today or tomorrow. I'm going to see if I can go spinning with my friend, Victor, who has been asking me to do that with him for years. Maybe we'll go to the gangster gay bar he's been wanting to go to. I'm getting a new haircut tomorrow. Going to switch it up. And that cleanse I keep talking about starts on Monday.
Getting to it.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Not so Pollo
Maybe it's because it's Valentine's Day, but I got a little courage this morning at the gym.
I saw the Handsome Brit again this morning. I actually saw him last Wednesday, but I didn't want to admit that I had totally pussed out again. I said hello and smiled shyly, then put my head down and finished my workout.
But this morning was different.
I went to the gym this morning and wasn't really feeling my workout at all. I had a lot to drink on Saturday night for my birthday. Actually, I didn't have that much to drink, but I think I've been drinking so little lately and working out that my tolerance has seriously diminished. So I'm struggling because of the booze and probably because I've been overdoing the gym lately. I'm doing the second half of my workout and I'm really HATING myself. I don't have the energy. I'm doing less pushups and pull ups. I'm thinking of leaving early and just giving up. It didn't feel like a good day.
Then I look up and see Handsome Brit. He turns around and sees me. He smiles and waves. And it wasn't a "bro wave" or a head nod. It might be a British foppish, dandy wave and therefore totally heterosexual. But, let's just for argument's sake and the sake of entertainment, that it was a cute gay wave with the fingers waving. Okay, that might have just been me. I gave a little wink, a dancing finger wave and flashed my pearly whites. I might as well have been wearing mink eyelashes and rhinestones as beauty marks. And even though I didn't say anything in those two seconds, my eyes were saying "Hey, girl!" with a megaphone. It was a gay moment.
And just like that, I had TONS of energy to finish my workout. I couldn't stop smiling and I just killed the rest of my workout. I am so gay. And when I say gay, I don't mean man-loving, I mean dumb. Apologies to the HRC and the PC-police. But since people have called me gay (meaning stupid) over the years, I feel I can at least reclaim it once. I'm a silly bird. Oh, look! I'm using British colloquialisms.
So after I showered and headed out the door to the gym, Handsome Brit was in his towel, about to put his clothes on. I turned down my wave energy and said hello. Then I turned back and asked him his name. We shook hands in a manly fashion. I tried not to look to see how big the bulge was under the towel. Then he asked me how often I come to the gym. I said I'm pretty much there every day (although now I'm just going to the one near my office on Tuesdays and Thursdays). He mentioned that he was there on alternate days: Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. I could read into that. And since I have been reading into it since I left the gym, I won't continue to do so here.
A little more chatting about working out and how he's switching trainers, etc. And then I made my graceful exit before I blurted something silly out like:
"Happy Valentine's Day!"
That would have been embarrassing. But admittedly, totally in character for me.
He's my gym crush. And he's got a handsome face and a cute body. We'll see if it goes anywhere from there. But if he does fancy me, he's giving clear signals. If he's not, then I'm delusional. It wouldn't be the first time.
I saw the Handsome Brit again this morning. I actually saw him last Wednesday, but I didn't want to admit that I had totally pussed out again. I said hello and smiled shyly, then put my head down and finished my workout.
But this morning was different.
I went to the gym this morning and wasn't really feeling my workout at all. I had a lot to drink on Saturday night for my birthday. Actually, I didn't have that much to drink, but I think I've been drinking so little lately and working out that my tolerance has seriously diminished. So I'm struggling because of the booze and probably because I've been overdoing the gym lately. I'm doing the second half of my workout and I'm really HATING myself. I don't have the energy. I'm doing less pushups and pull ups. I'm thinking of leaving early and just giving up. It didn't feel like a good day.
Then I look up and see Handsome Brit. He turns around and sees me. He smiles and waves. And it wasn't a "bro wave" or a head nod. It might be a British foppish, dandy wave and therefore totally heterosexual. But, let's just for argument's sake and the sake of entertainment, that it was a cute gay wave with the fingers waving. Okay, that might have just been me. I gave a little wink, a dancing finger wave and flashed my pearly whites. I might as well have been wearing mink eyelashes and rhinestones as beauty marks. And even though I didn't say anything in those two seconds, my eyes were saying "Hey, girl!" with a megaphone. It was a gay moment.
And just like that, I had TONS of energy to finish my workout. I couldn't stop smiling and I just killed the rest of my workout. I am so gay. And when I say gay, I don't mean man-loving, I mean dumb. Apologies to the HRC and the PC-police. But since people have called me gay (meaning stupid) over the years, I feel I can at least reclaim it once. I'm a silly bird. Oh, look! I'm using British colloquialisms.
So after I showered and headed out the door to the gym, Handsome Brit was in his towel, about to put his clothes on. I turned down my wave energy and said hello. Then I turned back and asked him his name. We shook hands in a manly fashion. I tried not to look to see how big the bulge was under the towel. Then he asked me how often I come to the gym. I said I'm pretty much there every day (although now I'm just going to the one near my office on Tuesdays and Thursdays). He mentioned that he was there on alternate days: Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. I could read into that. And since I have been reading into it since I left the gym, I won't continue to do so here.
A little more chatting about working out and how he's switching trainers, etc. And then I made my graceful exit before I blurted something silly out like:
"Happy Valentine's Day!"
That would have been embarrassing. But admittedly, totally in character for me.
He's my gym crush. And he's got a handsome face and a cute body. We'll see if it goes anywhere from there. But if he does fancy me, he's giving clear signals. If he's not, then I'm delusional. It wouldn't be the first time.
Friday, February 11, 2011
More Dreams
Maybe it's because tomorrow is my birthday, but the Universe has been sending me some pretty strong messages lately.
One of my dreams last night was literally me getting rid of crap. I could not stop pooping in my dream. Okay, I know that sounds gross. But it such a clear image. Detox! Get rid of the shit in your life! Maybe it's a preview of what's going to happen on this cleanse I'm going to do after my birthday.
Basically, I'm having a cheat weekend. It is my birthday. Booze, cigs, food I love: I'm having it all this weekend. I'm going to be with close friends all weekend and my family at some point. It will be a good time.
But I can't help but think of that strong scatological image from my dream last night. I got the message, Universe!
One of my dreams last night was literally me getting rid of crap. I could not stop pooping in my dream. Okay, I know that sounds gross. But it such a clear image. Detox! Get rid of the shit in your life! Maybe it's a preview of what's going to happen on this cleanse I'm going to do after my birthday.
Basically, I'm having a cheat weekend. It is my birthday. Booze, cigs, food I love: I'm having it all this weekend. I'm going to be with close friends all weekend and my family at some point. It will be a good time.
But I can't help but think of that strong scatological image from my dream last night. I got the message, Universe!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Gym Observances
I wish I had my camera at the gym this morning. But I guess if I took pictures at the gym on my phone, it would be in the locker room. Plonk!
But this is what was so hilarious. The gym I go to on some mornings, if I'm working out close to work, is the LA Fitness near Universal. There's an out door pool. So there I am, getting my push ups and pull ups on, on the second floor of the gym. Across the parking lot is the outdoor pool and I see a guy come out of the gate in a towel and nothing else. Then he gets into his Toyota SUV and drives off! Solomente in a towel! I laughed so hard I had to stop doing pull ups for risk of hurting myself. Either my sides from laughing so hard or I was afraid I'd let go of the pullup bar and fall off.
While we're on the subject of gym observances, nothing makes me laugh more than the guys who take themselves SO SERIOUSLY at the gym. They all into a few categories:
* The Meatheads - the Meatheads are all serious. The workout thing is their J-O-B. So they come with their tank tops that barely cover their nipples or they come in really baggy clothes that make them look like Biggest Loser contestants. And they don't care if you are in their space or not, they will lift a weight and almost knock you out if you are too close. They are not afraid to clip your ass, as someone almost did to me this morning.
* The Actors - The Actors are too pretty to look at you. OR they address you as "bro", "dude", or "boss." And oddly enough, some of these guys have skimpy tank tops on as well. And they really want me to see their nipples. They REALLY want me to see them and stare at them. It's really distracting. And sometimes they freeball...not that any of them are gay, but they're not afraid to make their goods available if some producer might be working out there who wants to cast them in something. And I've actually seen a very high level film and TV producer there, in a towel waiting for the showers chatting up some hot brown thing. And I'm not talking about THIS hot brown thing.
* The Turbo Ladies - there are ladies of a certain age who want to fight the signs of aging at all costs. So they are there with their ankle weights and their headbands and leotards sweatin' to the oldies. And by oldies, they mean themselves. God love those ladies. Good for them.
* The Turbo Men - the same as The Turbo Ladies, but men with dyed hair. Obviously dyed.
* The Kids - these are the young guys that I not so secretly lust after. They're in college and they're hot. Baggy basketball shorts. Hot little bodies, muscles. Piercing, innocent blue or green eyes and pert pecs and nips. Delish in a dish if I wish! They usually stay far away from me and my leering glances.
And this is the entertainment that sustains me as I'm pushing down and pulling up. My bod is sore from today's workout because I didn't really want to be there. I was tired and thought of giving up several times. But I didn't. I just kept at it, like a good boy. I don't know how male underwear models do it. It's a lot of work.
But this is what was so hilarious. The gym I go to on some mornings, if I'm working out close to work, is the LA Fitness near Universal. There's an out door pool. So there I am, getting my push ups and pull ups on, on the second floor of the gym. Across the parking lot is the outdoor pool and I see a guy come out of the gate in a towel and nothing else. Then he gets into his Toyota SUV and drives off! Solomente in a towel! I laughed so hard I had to stop doing pull ups for risk of hurting myself. Either my sides from laughing so hard or I was afraid I'd let go of the pullup bar and fall off.
While we're on the subject of gym observances, nothing makes me laugh more than the guys who take themselves SO SERIOUSLY at the gym. They all into a few categories:
* The Meatheads - the Meatheads are all serious. The workout thing is their J-O-B. So they come with their tank tops that barely cover their nipples or they come in really baggy clothes that make them look like Biggest Loser contestants. And they don't care if you are in their space or not, they will lift a weight and almost knock you out if you are too close. They are not afraid to clip your ass, as someone almost did to me this morning.
* The Actors - The Actors are too pretty to look at you. OR they address you as "bro", "dude", or "boss." And oddly enough, some of these guys have skimpy tank tops on as well. And they really want me to see their nipples. They REALLY want me to see them and stare at them. It's really distracting. And sometimes they freeball...not that any of them are gay, but they're not afraid to make their goods available if some producer might be working out there who wants to cast them in something. And I've actually seen a very high level film and TV producer there, in a towel waiting for the showers chatting up some hot brown thing. And I'm not talking about THIS hot brown thing.
* The Turbo Ladies - there are ladies of a certain age who want to fight the signs of aging at all costs. So they are there with their ankle weights and their headbands and leotards sweatin' to the oldies. And by oldies, they mean themselves. God love those ladies. Good for them.
* The Turbo Men - the same as The Turbo Ladies, but men with dyed hair. Obviously dyed.
* The Kids - these are the young guys that I not so secretly lust after. They're in college and they're hot. Baggy basketball shorts. Hot little bodies, muscles. Piercing, innocent blue or green eyes and pert pecs and nips. Delish in a dish if I wish! They usually stay far away from me and my leering glances.
And this is the entertainment that sustains me as I'm pushing down and pulling up. My bod is sore from today's workout because I didn't really want to be there. I was tired and thought of giving up several times. But I didn't. I just kept at it, like a good boy. I don't know how male underwear models do it. It's a lot of work.
Only in My Dreams
So...you avid readers of this blog know that I've been feeling a bit nostalgic about the ex lately. It's that weird period post relationship where you start forgeting the bad things. I had coffee w/ a work associate yesterday who said that that's how the brain copes. It forgets the bad stuff.
Well, someone up there doesn't want me to forget the bad stuff because I had a dream last night:
The ex and I had gotten back together. He was in the shower, looking exactly the same as he had before. It was the morning and I was about to get some coffee. Before I had the chance to ask him what he wanted, I started getting yelled at:
"You never asked me what I wanted? You never ask me what I want."
And that was it. But it was enough. It reminded me that I never was made to feel like I was doing enough for him. If I did one nice thing, it was always asked why I didn't do three nice things. If I had put up with some of his nonsense, it was brushed off because we lived in a nice home and had a nice life. But like Carrie and Petrofsky, I was living HIS life. And while I had plenty of proverbial horse-drawn carriages in Central Park during those five years, it wasn't enough to make up for the fact that I wasn't me in that relationship. And one shower scene in a dream was enough to remind me of that. Because in those two sentences, hold everything that my life was about for a large part of that time.
And this morning, I ran across a mutual friend's comment on his status on Facebook. Even though we're not friends anymore on FB, it showed me the status that this friend was commenting on. And then it showed me their entire exchange in status updates. And just seeing his name again, repeatedly and reading a status that was literary in a showy way and long winded, was a definite reminder of the past.
But thank God I could have a dream to remind me of that. I don't have to get soft and revisit the past in real time. That would be a huge mistake. It seems obvious, but when the process of healing also allows you to forget the pain, it's not that out of the question.
Well, someone up there doesn't want me to forget the bad stuff because I had a dream last night:
The ex and I had gotten back together. He was in the shower, looking exactly the same as he had before. It was the morning and I was about to get some coffee. Before I had the chance to ask him what he wanted, I started getting yelled at:
"You never asked me what I wanted? You never ask me what I want."
And that was it. But it was enough. It reminded me that I never was made to feel like I was doing enough for him. If I did one nice thing, it was always asked why I didn't do three nice things. If I had put up with some of his nonsense, it was brushed off because we lived in a nice home and had a nice life. But like Carrie and Petrofsky, I was living HIS life. And while I had plenty of proverbial horse-drawn carriages in Central Park during those five years, it wasn't enough to make up for the fact that I wasn't me in that relationship. And one shower scene in a dream was enough to remind me of that. Because in those two sentences, hold everything that my life was about for a large part of that time.
And this morning, I ran across a mutual friend's comment on his status on Facebook. Even though we're not friends anymore on FB, it showed me the status that this friend was commenting on. And then it showed me their entire exchange in status updates. And just seeing his name again, repeatedly and reading a status that was literary in a showy way and long winded, was a definite reminder of the past.
But thank God I could have a dream to remind me of that. I don't have to get soft and revisit the past in real time. That would be a huge mistake. It seems obvious, but when the process of healing also allows you to forget the pain, it's not that out of the question.
Pasadena: The Land of the Silverfox
I've had two experiences lately. Casual experiences. No penetration involved. Is that vaguely clear enough?
Both involved men of a certain age. Silverfoxes, if you will. And they were hot. My type before my ex was always to date a bit older. And now older includes silverfoxes, the male cougar. Not retired. But I have to say that now the older gents are looking hot.
I was having non-penetrating simulated sex with me on top with this 48 year old the other day. And when I looked in the mirror that was opposite his bed, I kind of looked good.
A lot of guys date younger to feel younger. But that makes no sense. Older makes me feel a lot more young. Although, there have been a bunch of 20 year olds who have been wanting to hit this lately. I'm kind of at the perfect age, which I won't disclose here. I'm equally hot to both younger and older. And younger doesn't mean teenager and older doesn't mean with a walker. Both are respectable choices.
So the other silverfox is this incredibly hot guy. He's 43 with the most rockin' body I've seen in a while. He might dress a little young, but he's got a baby face and some striking blue eyes, which I have a definite weakness for. It was just a simple stroke hook up, but we ended up making out a lot. And there was some chemistry there. I think we were both shocked. And he was into my body, which is getting better, but is nothing like his. And he seemed to be pretty sincere.
Dare I say that the whole thing was rather sweet. He even sent me an email later saying that he had a great time, but that he was casually seeing someone. So if it goes anywhere, he wouldn't be able to see me. But until then...he's up for another go at it. And I responded by saying that I'm in no position to look for my next boyfriend, so let's just have fun. I guess that's what you get with certain 43 year olds: maturity. The exchange was all very respectful and very adult. And hot. I won't go into graphic details, but I'd describe the final moments of our encounter with one word: geyser.
Wow, universe. I guess there are sweet guys who've got pecs, abs and big dicks. They are out there. Out there in the 626.
Both involved men of a certain age. Silverfoxes, if you will. And they were hot. My type before my ex was always to date a bit older. And now older includes silverfoxes, the male cougar. Not retired. But I have to say that now the older gents are looking hot.
I was having non-penetrating simulated sex with me on top with this 48 year old the other day. And when I looked in the mirror that was opposite his bed, I kind of looked good.
A lot of guys date younger to feel younger. But that makes no sense. Older makes me feel a lot more young. Although, there have been a bunch of 20 year olds who have been wanting to hit this lately. I'm kind of at the perfect age, which I won't disclose here. I'm equally hot to both younger and older. And younger doesn't mean teenager and older doesn't mean with a walker. Both are respectable choices.
So the other silverfox is this incredibly hot guy. He's 43 with the most rockin' body I've seen in a while. He might dress a little young, but he's got a baby face and some striking blue eyes, which I have a definite weakness for. It was just a simple stroke hook up, but we ended up making out a lot. And there was some chemistry there. I think we were both shocked. And he was into my body, which is getting better, but is nothing like his. And he seemed to be pretty sincere.
Dare I say that the whole thing was rather sweet. He even sent me an email later saying that he had a great time, but that he was casually seeing someone. So if it goes anywhere, he wouldn't be able to see me. But until then...he's up for another go at it. And I responded by saying that I'm in no position to look for my next boyfriend, so let's just have fun. I guess that's what you get with certain 43 year olds: maturity. The exchange was all very respectful and very adult. And hot. I won't go into graphic details, but I'd describe the final moments of our encounter with one word: geyser.
Wow, universe. I guess there are sweet guys who've got pecs, abs and big dicks. They are out there. Out there in the 626.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Cleanse
My brother just finished this cleanse where he got leaner and started to see a six pack. As soon as he described it to me, I knew I had to do it. The pluses: no loss of energy, muscle mass or ability to work out. I'm letting go of a lot of things in my life, so why not let go of some extra pounds. I've been working out a lot and I want to see the fruits of my labor.
I decided to start this after my birthday and Valentines Day which are both coming up. I figured I'll need some drinks and some chocolates to get through both.
I've lived my life with a lot of "I'd nevers" and this is another one to break through. I never thought that I'd have a body that people would want to look at and admire. Yes, I'm in fine shape. But I didn't think I'd ever have an enviable body. And I'm not saying that I do now. But maybe once I'd like to see my body looking a certain way. I'm more about health and how I'm feeling inside. But I don't want to avoid having something because I don't think I can. I want to have anything I want and that's what this body thing is about. I'm working my ass off at the gym, so why not have it be the best it can possibly be. It's inspiring.
My father used to say as a kid (as I'm sure most Dads did) that there is no such word as "can't." And once I said, "I can't run a marathon." And I did. And more recently, "I can't leave my boyfriend of five years." And I've always thought that "I can't have a six pack." "I can't look that good." I've accepted certain things about myself as truths and not understood that I can change anything in my life.
So is it frivolous? Maybe a little bit. But for me, anything superficial has a deeper meaning. This is what I want: I want a hot chest, great legs and rockin' arms to match the beauty that's already inside of me. I want to feel confident. Confident to share all of myself with other people. And how I feel on the outside affects how I feel inside. It directly affects my ability to feel worthy and okay enough to share the great things about myself. I don't want to hold back any more.
Okay, I did say that I was getting less sappy in this blog. So I will close by saying that I want to safely have more bone in my life. In my life, up my ass and in each hand.
Why the hell not? Life's too short. I want to be ALL OF ME, not just the parts that people find it easy to stomach.
And this cleanse is the next step. I want to cleanse myself of all the negativity. All of the ways that I stop myself. All of my blockages. I want to make room more healthier choices and ways of being. If my birthday and the upcoming valentine's day holiday plays some part in making those changes happen, then so be it. It sure beats being alone and miserable cause I don't have a man in my life.
I decided to start this after my birthday and Valentines Day which are both coming up. I figured I'll need some drinks and some chocolates to get through both.
I've lived my life with a lot of "I'd nevers" and this is another one to break through. I never thought that I'd have a body that people would want to look at and admire. Yes, I'm in fine shape. But I didn't think I'd ever have an enviable body. And I'm not saying that I do now. But maybe once I'd like to see my body looking a certain way. I'm more about health and how I'm feeling inside. But I don't want to avoid having something because I don't think I can. I want to have anything I want and that's what this body thing is about. I'm working my ass off at the gym, so why not have it be the best it can possibly be. It's inspiring.
My father used to say as a kid (as I'm sure most Dads did) that there is no such word as "can't." And once I said, "I can't run a marathon." And I did. And more recently, "I can't leave my boyfriend of five years." And I've always thought that "I can't have a six pack." "I can't look that good." I've accepted certain things about myself as truths and not understood that I can change anything in my life.
So is it frivolous? Maybe a little bit. But for me, anything superficial has a deeper meaning. This is what I want: I want a hot chest, great legs and rockin' arms to match the beauty that's already inside of me. I want to feel confident. Confident to share all of myself with other people. And how I feel on the outside affects how I feel inside. It directly affects my ability to feel worthy and okay enough to share the great things about myself. I don't want to hold back any more.
Okay, I did say that I was getting less sappy in this blog. So I will close by saying that I want to safely have more bone in my life. In my life, up my ass and in each hand.
Why the hell not? Life's too short. I want to be ALL OF ME, not just the parts that people find it easy to stomach.
And this cleanse is the next step. I want to cleanse myself of all the negativity. All of the ways that I stop myself. All of my blockages. I want to make room more healthier choices and ways of being. If my birthday and the upcoming valentine's day holiday plays some part in making those changes happen, then so be it. It sure beats being alone and miserable cause I don't have a man in my life.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Will is a Powerful Thing
Last week was a bit of a lonely week. I need to remind myself to reach out. So I reached out to my friend Nicole to see about getting together. We both decided to meet up at a Yoga studio in South Pasadena for a $7 class. I've been meaning to get back into a yoga practice. As some people might know, I have taken a Naked Yoga classes in West Hollywood. I quite enjoy the yoga. But this seemed like a good opportunity to meet up with my friend Nicole.
Nic and I have known each other since college. We both grew up in LA and went to Northern CA for school. So this seemed like a good activity for us to do together. She's been getting into yoga and I've been trying to get back into it. And the price was right.
So we get to the yoga studio and we meet up with this lovely instructor named Natasha. Natasha happens to be the name that my parents always said the had in case they had a daughter. Not that it's important in this situation, but I always have a response to that name whenever I hear it.
Natasha starts class and she says that she's going to pick a word for us to focus on. And that word is WILL. The word for WILL in sanskrit is ICCHAA. She started talking about how we need to push through things using our "icchaa." That sometimes we think that we can't do something, but it's our will that gets us through. Then she talked about the "wall." It's that feeling that you hit when you run a marathon. You "hit the wall." Well, now my ears were perked up because I've run a marathon and I've trained and I've hit the wall several times. It's that feeling of being blocked. And you have to hit through the wall. You have to keep running.
Sometimes that wall is sore legs. Sometimes it's a feeling that you can't go on. Fatigue. But it is mental. It's that concept of "mind over matter." And there's no where I've tested that concept more than running. It's a great visual image of hitting and punching through the wall. And it's great to feel it in your body, when you push through the wall. It kind of drives the lesson home because you FEEL it rather than just think about it.
"I should do that."
"I've been meaning to."
"I know that I'm lazy. I need to get motivated."
It's about doing. Not thinking or planning. Doing.
So back to Natasha: So she says we're going to focus on "icchaa" in this session. When we think we can't do a position or that we can't push it any further, that we should use our "icchaa" to push through. Got it.
Class starts and I'm doing all of my stuff.
Downward Dog: feels fine.
Plank: I do a lot of push ups at the gym, so I'm good to go.
Cobra: All right. I'm not totally warmed up yet and there's a tightening mid spine, on the left side. Paying attention to that.
Warrior 1: I've got this. My body is sweating so I'm trying to keep from sliding.
I'm twisting when she's telling me to twist. I notice that my back is especially tight. But I'm pushing through. I'm breathing...
She then tells us to keep pushing. When you don't feel like you can bend more or get down in a deeper stretch, THAT'S when you need to use that icchaa. When your foot is sliding from sweat, you need to ground yourself. Plant yourself in: icchaa! When you're holding the crocodile pose or the tree pose or Warrior 3: icchaa!!!
Everything was about using that will power to go deeper to take it to the next level to embrace the fact that sometimes you're a tree on a windy day. But that you need to come back to center. Connecting the practice to the sense of calming one's self and getting centered made a great deal of sense to me. Usually I get the spiritual stuff at the beginning and the end, but never throughout. This was connecting it all completely through in a way I hadn't experienced in my yoga practice before.
And this is the thing about will: you realize how strong it is after you've been tested. So my poses were all stronger than they had ever been, even though I hadn't taken a class in a while. My balance was amazing. My fear was less. My confidence in holding poses was strong. I smiled the whole time through class, especially when it got difficult or painful. I sighed and let Natasha know that it was tough. I breathed through it. I brought joy and light into my practice.
Needless to say, I loved class. Nic and I are going to go every Saturday. The $7 class is with rotating teachers. But Nic has enjoyed everyone she's taken class from. I really connected to this practice, so I'm going to try and see if I can make it to Natasha's classes, depending on when they are.
It was a good check in. My body is strong. My icchaa is strong. And my mind is strong. I'm getting through this. I've been missing my ex like crazy lately. And I know that because I'm getting over him, the impulse is strong. His presence is strong within me. But I'm sweeping the floor of all remaining dust. Now it's in a pile in the middle of the floor and I'm taking one last long look at it, to see how much dust has gathered before I sweep it up and throw it out with the trash.
Nic and I have known each other since college. We both grew up in LA and went to Northern CA for school. So this seemed like a good activity for us to do together. She's been getting into yoga and I've been trying to get back into it. And the price was right.
So we get to the yoga studio and we meet up with this lovely instructor named Natasha. Natasha happens to be the name that my parents always said the had in case they had a daughter. Not that it's important in this situation, but I always have a response to that name whenever I hear it.
Natasha starts class and she says that she's going to pick a word for us to focus on. And that word is WILL. The word for WILL in sanskrit is ICCHAA. She started talking about how we need to push through things using our "icchaa." That sometimes we think that we can't do something, but it's our will that gets us through. Then she talked about the "wall." It's that feeling that you hit when you run a marathon. You "hit the wall." Well, now my ears were perked up because I've run a marathon and I've trained and I've hit the wall several times. It's that feeling of being blocked. And you have to hit through the wall. You have to keep running.
Sometimes that wall is sore legs. Sometimes it's a feeling that you can't go on. Fatigue. But it is mental. It's that concept of "mind over matter." And there's no where I've tested that concept more than running. It's a great visual image of hitting and punching through the wall. And it's great to feel it in your body, when you push through the wall. It kind of drives the lesson home because you FEEL it rather than just think about it.
"I should do that."
"I've been meaning to."
"I know that I'm lazy. I need to get motivated."
It's about doing. Not thinking or planning. Doing.
So back to Natasha: So she says we're going to focus on "icchaa" in this session. When we think we can't do a position or that we can't push it any further, that we should use our "icchaa" to push through. Got it.
Class starts and I'm doing all of my stuff.
Downward Dog: feels fine.
Plank: I do a lot of push ups at the gym, so I'm good to go.
Cobra: All right. I'm not totally warmed up yet and there's a tightening mid spine, on the left side. Paying attention to that.
Warrior 1: I've got this. My body is sweating so I'm trying to keep from sliding.
I'm twisting when she's telling me to twist. I notice that my back is especially tight. But I'm pushing through. I'm breathing...
She then tells us to keep pushing. When you don't feel like you can bend more or get down in a deeper stretch, THAT'S when you need to use that icchaa. When your foot is sliding from sweat, you need to ground yourself. Plant yourself in: icchaa! When you're holding the crocodile pose or the tree pose or Warrior 3: icchaa!!!
Everything was about using that will power to go deeper to take it to the next level to embrace the fact that sometimes you're a tree on a windy day. But that you need to come back to center. Connecting the practice to the sense of calming one's self and getting centered made a great deal of sense to me. Usually I get the spiritual stuff at the beginning and the end, but never throughout. This was connecting it all completely through in a way I hadn't experienced in my yoga practice before.
And this is the thing about will: you realize how strong it is after you've been tested. So my poses were all stronger than they had ever been, even though I hadn't taken a class in a while. My balance was amazing. My fear was less. My confidence in holding poses was strong. I smiled the whole time through class, especially when it got difficult or painful. I sighed and let Natasha know that it was tough. I breathed through it. I brought joy and light into my practice.
Needless to say, I loved class. Nic and I are going to go every Saturday. The $7 class is with rotating teachers. But Nic has enjoyed everyone she's taken class from. I really connected to this practice, so I'm going to try and see if I can make it to Natasha's classes, depending on when they are.
It was a good check in. My body is strong. My icchaa is strong. And my mind is strong. I'm getting through this. I've been missing my ex like crazy lately. And I know that because I'm getting over him, the impulse is strong. His presence is strong within me. But I'm sweeping the floor of all remaining dust. Now it's in a pile in the middle of the floor and I'm taking one last long look at it, to see how much dust has gathered before I sweep it up and throw it out with the trash.
El Pollo Loco
I'm a crazy chicken...and oddly, hungry for some roasted bird.
Let me paint the picture. I was at the gym this morning, getting my chest and back on. Really not wanting to be there, but there did seem to be an abundance of hot guys there today. It's really easy for me to be distracted by dick. It's just the way I'm built. It's a known fact about men in my family (my brother and I) that the men in my family are horn dogs. I thought it was just because I'm a big cock hunting homo, but it's actually not just true of me. We have heavy libidos in my family. We're good partners and husbands, but at the same time, we've got fire in our pants.
Anyway, so I'm kind of doing my thing and I see this pasty skinned guy in a complete running outfit. He's cute. But he's in an orange and black total running outfit. Dorky. And I'm too distracted by my own intense workout...AND I'm at the gym. I have bedhead, eye boogers, a stanky t-shirt on and I'm listening to my fave gym jam, the sped up remix of "Like This" by Kelly Rowland. I'm also dancing around the gym inbetween sets. So any pretense of coolness is gone. I'm pretty dorky myself.
I finish up and I head to the showers. I'm washing the hair, I'm cleaning the nether regions, I'm shaving the balls (yes, I shave my balls at the gym sometimes. Is that gross?). I open my curtain to grab my towel and I see pasty white dork (not to be offensive, but this is all I know of him right now) in his towel getting out of the shower ahead of me. I nod. Interesting.
I take a quick steam and I head to my locker. Pasty White Dork is next to me and he smiles.
"Hi."
"Hello," he says back. Is that a trace of an accent? Okay, so now he's got my attention because he's got a nice body. I caught a glimpse when he was in his towel. Fit, but not obsessive. But not chunky. My friend Susan said I need to get off that train. She also thinks I need to date ethnic to just get my head out of the pasty white guy zone. My friend Alli from NYC would agree. And maybe my friend Nicole from college. Susan's husband also agrees, who I'm just getting to know. He also second the notion (from a way earlier post) that I need to add hotness to my list.
And in his casual work clothes (jeans, navy sweater, tortoise shell glasses), Pasty White Dork looked hot. And he smiled big when I said hi. And I always smile big, so I smiled back. Big. And now we're flirting. I need to get my clothes on without seeming shady. Not that I have a problem flashing my dick to people, I do it all the time. Seriously, I do it all the time. My mother's getting sick of it.
So I turn around and towel myself off in as subtle and non suggestive way as possible. Okay, a little suggestive. But I was actually trying not to be slutty about the whole thing. So I get my gym shorts back on, because I'm going to change at the office and I put on my Number:Lab long sleeved tee, which I think was actually a good choice. It's manly, sporty, and fashionable without being obvious about it. I'm putting my shoes on and he's still messing with his hair in the mirror. I hope he's waiting for me a bit...
So he leaves. I leave after tying my shoe and I wait at the elevator to the parking garage. He comes from grabbing a drink of water and he decides to wait with me at the elevator..."why not?" I make some remark about how it's totally lazy, but it's convenient. I think he thinks that's funny. We get in. I ask him if he had a good workout. I'm not being original at all. He says that he did and that he's a big hungover from his first Super Bowl party. And at this point, I'm definitely hearing an accent. British. Hot. Okay, so now I'm interested. The doors open to the parking garage and I make a stupid comment about how workouts are great for hangovers. Then I say good bye.
I ran out of material! I didn't want to be obvious. So here I am, the crazy chicken, blogging about it. Hey, if we're supposed to meet up again, then fate will step in. And if fate needs a hint, I'll be at the gym at the same time every morning this week. Maybe wearing one of my own matchy workout outfits.
And to my friend Susan: this guy is hot. I know he said he had a hangover and that he's white and pasty. But I saw him at the gym. And you're right, these are the kinds of guys I should be dating.
Let me paint the picture. I was at the gym this morning, getting my chest and back on. Really not wanting to be there, but there did seem to be an abundance of hot guys there today. It's really easy for me to be distracted by dick. It's just the way I'm built. It's a known fact about men in my family (my brother and I) that the men in my family are horn dogs. I thought it was just because I'm a big cock hunting homo, but it's actually not just true of me. We have heavy libidos in my family. We're good partners and husbands, but at the same time, we've got fire in our pants.
Anyway, so I'm kind of doing my thing and I see this pasty skinned guy in a complete running outfit. He's cute. But he's in an orange and black total running outfit. Dorky. And I'm too distracted by my own intense workout...AND I'm at the gym. I have bedhead, eye boogers, a stanky t-shirt on and I'm listening to my fave gym jam, the sped up remix of "Like This" by Kelly Rowland. I'm also dancing around the gym inbetween sets. So any pretense of coolness is gone. I'm pretty dorky myself.
I finish up and I head to the showers. I'm washing the hair, I'm cleaning the nether regions, I'm shaving the balls (yes, I shave my balls at the gym sometimes. Is that gross?). I open my curtain to grab my towel and I see pasty white dork (not to be offensive, but this is all I know of him right now) in his towel getting out of the shower ahead of me. I nod. Interesting.
I take a quick steam and I head to my locker. Pasty White Dork is next to me and he smiles.
"Hi."
"Hello," he says back. Is that a trace of an accent? Okay, so now he's got my attention because he's got a nice body. I caught a glimpse when he was in his towel. Fit, but not obsessive. But not chunky. My friend Susan said I need to get off that train. She also thinks I need to date ethnic to just get my head out of the pasty white guy zone. My friend Alli from NYC would agree. And maybe my friend Nicole from college. Susan's husband also agrees, who I'm just getting to know. He also second the notion (from a way earlier post) that I need to add hotness to my list.
And in his casual work clothes (jeans, navy sweater, tortoise shell glasses), Pasty White Dork looked hot. And he smiled big when I said hi. And I always smile big, so I smiled back. Big. And now we're flirting. I need to get my clothes on without seeming shady. Not that I have a problem flashing my dick to people, I do it all the time. Seriously, I do it all the time. My mother's getting sick of it.
So I turn around and towel myself off in as subtle and non suggestive way as possible. Okay, a little suggestive. But I was actually trying not to be slutty about the whole thing. So I get my gym shorts back on, because I'm going to change at the office and I put on my Number:Lab long sleeved tee, which I think was actually a good choice. It's manly, sporty, and fashionable without being obvious about it. I'm putting my shoes on and he's still messing with his hair in the mirror. I hope he's waiting for me a bit...
So he leaves. I leave after tying my shoe and I wait at the elevator to the parking garage. He comes from grabbing a drink of water and he decides to wait with me at the elevator..."why not?" I make some remark about how it's totally lazy, but it's convenient. I think he thinks that's funny. We get in. I ask him if he had a good workout. I'm not being original at all. He says that he did and that he's a big hungover from his first Super Bowl party. And at this point, I'm definitely hearing an accent. British. Hot. Okay, so now I'm interested. The doors open to the parking garage and I make a stupid comment about how workouts are great for hangovers. Then I say good bye.
I ran out of material! I didn't want to be obvious. So here I am, the crazy chicken, blogging about it. Hey, if we're supposed to meet up again, then fate will step in. And if fate needs a hint, I'll be at the gym at the same time every morning this week. Maybe wearing one of my own matchy workout outfits.
And to my friend Susan: this guy is hot. I know he said he had a hangover and that he's white and pasty. But I saw him at the gym. And you're right, these are the kinds of guys I should be dating.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
And I went wow...
I'm the greatest dancer. Quick side note before I launch into this post. I always thought the lyric to Sister Sledge's "He's the Greatest Dancer" was "I wonder why...he's the greatest dancer!" But apparently, it's "And I went wow...he's the greatest dancer!"
So that's where the title of this blog post comes from.
But it's tongue in cheek because I'm NOT the greatest dancer. But I love it. I studied in college and there are things about moving my body in space that I miss. The thing that I didn't have as a dancer when I was young was strength. I was 5'10", 125 pounds. I was thin, thin, thin. And no muscle. So now with 45 more pounds on me, there's more power behind my movement. And it just feels good to articulate with my body. I'm good with the words, but haven't always been with the body. As a young dancer, I was trying to get to know my body for the first time since I wasn't an athlete. I had no relationship to my body at all. So moving was weird because my arms and legs would flail. I had no control.
I have more control now, but also I let go because honestly it's just fun at the gym. The other day my hip hop class had seven guys in it. It was great to be in the room with a bunch of women and 7 powerful guys who were bustin' a move all over the place. They rocked. And this is really the easiest way for me to get my cardio in. I love my running for sure. But dance is great because it's about music that takes you somewhere and helps you forget that your body hurts.
And it's making a difference. I'm looking good. My birthday's coming up next week and a personal goal for me has been to have the body that I want by my birthday. And initially, I thought that meant the pecs poppin and the muscles bustin and the abs workin'. I thought it meant what my body would look like naked. Now I realize that having the body I want is having a body that can take an hour workout in the morning, then a hip hop class at night. A body that can run for six, seven, eight, ten miles. A body that can sweat and be drenched. A body that won't quit. A body that has stamina. And yes, that body will look good naked. It will feel good. And I'm on my way to having that body by February 12th. That body won't be 10% body fat. It won't have a ripped tummy. But it will be fierce in hip hop class. It won't be ashamed to come out and play. It will be a body that needs protein right after a workout to help it grow. It's a body that wants healthy food. It's a body that gets a double take. It's a body that makes me smile with confidence.
And it's a body that is okay with forging ahead alone. A body that doesn't mind going out by itself without friends on a Friday night and will dance on its own.
So that's where the title of this blog post comes from.
But it's tongue in cheek because I'm NOT the greatest dancer. But I love it. I studied in college and there are things about moving my body in space that I miss. The thing that I didn't have as a dancer when I was young was strength. I was 5'10", 125 pounds. I was thin, thin, thin. And no muscle. So now with 45 more pounds on me, there's more power behind my movement. And it just feels good to articulate with my body. I'm good with the words, but haven't always been with the body. As a young dancer, I was trying to get to know my body for the first time since I wasn't an athlete. I had no relationship to my body at all. So moving was weird because my arms and legs would flail. I had no control.
I have more control now, but also I let go because honestly it's just fun at the gym. The other day my hip hop class had seven guys in it. It was great to be in the room with a bunch of women and 7 powerful guys who were bustin' a move all over the place. They rocked. And this is really the easiest way for me to get my cardio in. I love my running for sure. But dance is great because it's about music that takes you somewhere and helps you forget that your body hurts.
And it's making a difference. I'm looking good. My birthday's coming up next week and a personal goal for me has been to have the body that I want by my birthday. And initially, I thought that meant the pecs poppin and the muscles bustin and the abs workin'. I thought it meant what my body would look like naked. Now I realize that having the body I want is having a body that can take an hour workout in the morning, then a hip hop class at night. A body that can run for six, seven, eight, ten miles. A body that can sweat and be drenched. A body that won't quit. A body that has stamina. And yes, that body will look good naked. It will feel good. And I'm on my way to having that body by February 12th. That body won't be 10% body fat. It won't have a ripped tummy. But it will be fierce in hip hop class. It won't be ashamed to come out and play. It will be a body that needs protein right after a workout to help it grow. It's a body that wants healthy food. It's a body that gets a double take. It's a body that makes me smile with confidence.
And it's a body that is okay with forging ahead alone. A body that doesn't mind going out by itself without friends on a Friday night and will dance on its own.
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