Me Ever After

I'm watching BETHENNY EVER AFTER right now and I have to say, I want to be Bethenny Frankel. I love her. I think she has lived a life and then has worked her ass off to create this brand, SkinnyGirl. I think she's got determination and a steel will. And she found a great guy, who has an amazing body and seems to be really patient with her.

I remember last year when I used to watch BETHENNY GETTING MARRIED? in my home office, I used to watch how Bethenny and Jason would joke around and I would identify a bit. I'm a witty, loud, dark-haired woman who's trying to build an empire. And so is she. So now when I watch her, I reminisce about what my life was like for the past five years. And here I am already at a point over the past few weeks where I've been nostalgic. So Bethenny is bringing it out of me yet again.

I cried when she was at Alma's apartment and said no one was showing up to her wedding from her family. I cried when her mother-in-law said she finally had a daughter. It's not like I don't have my own budding-in, crazy, loud mouthed family. I do and they make their presence KNOWN. But I liked having a mother-in-law who seemed normal and thought I was normal and good for her son. I used to look in someone's eyes and think about what would happen if he was killed or got cancer and how my life would be destroyed, heaven forbid. And now...strangers.

I'm at the point in this process where the thrill of leaving is gone. Now it's the daily process of my life and moving it to where I want it to be. I keep saying that I KNOW that none of this would be possible, my current state of strength and self-reflection and ACTION, if we were still a couple. I wholeheartedly believe that.

But I miss planning my future. But "who knows what the future holds", right? I just feel like he was the love of my life and I'm lost a bit. I couldn't stop crying, for god sakes, all of last week. I know this is normal, but I don't like normal, even though I don't want people to think I'm abnormal. I want them to think I'm spectacular. That's the opposite of normal, right?

I wanna have fights in the car over what smells like poop. I want to tease someone. I want to laugh when he puts a ridiculous outfit on and applaud when he looks smashing. As he often did. I don't know if this temporary lapse of sanity and trip down memory lane is healthy! I don't know! But I just miss it. I miss feeling like I matter to someone.

And maybe that's it. Maybe I really have to digest this idea that I have to matter to myself. Because if I tree fell in the woods, and if no one heard it, the tree knows it fell. Is that enough?

This is the other part where I want to emulate Bethenny Frankel. I need to get a post-baby body. I never had it. I never had a baby, but I need those abs. I think her and I share another thing. I think we both look good just a little underweight. I always did. And now I'm a bit normal.

Can't have that.