Apparently, Madonna (or Madge or the more recent M-Dolla) just finished work on a new album.
The internets are abuzz.
The gays are abuzz.
I'm abuzz.
http://www.muumuse.com/2014/04/madonna-pop-icon-icon-mdna-new-album-instagram.html/
It's an event. It's exciting.
I feel like I'm having my own #secretprojectrevolution.
I just cut my hair.
I have been in "the studio", my writing studio, writing for the first part of this year.
I am in the process of putting together a new wardrobe.
My attitude has been shifting.
My consciousness is alive.
I feel myself emerging in a way I haven't felt myself emerge since my teens and early 20s.
It's a rebirth, you could say.
But it feels more like I'm being reincarnated with the full knowledge of my past life.
I'm happy to have this freedom and I am not taking it for granted.
I am most certainly not.
I am grateful for my new look.
I am grateful for my new attitude.
I am grateful for a lot of love.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Keeping Up Appearances
I recently wrote on a Facebook post that I shaved my head in July 2012, then kept shaving it until April 2013. I had a wedding to go to and I wanted to make sure I looked good. Then I decided to let it grow out. In August 2013, I got a haircut from my childhood barber (who I will probably never see again). Ever since then I have been growing my hair out. I let the sideburns go. I let my hair go. I didn't care. I had other things to worry about. I had been writing a lot. I worked on losing some weight, but I didn't care about how I looked. I also needed to grow my fresh hair back as a way to get back to myself.
It looked all right. I even considered keeping it long and letting it get shoulder length so I could ombre it at the ends and look like Jared Leto. The only problem: I'm not Jared Leto. Well, and one other problem, I was getting impatient. I noticed that I was looking kind of shaggy. And as much as I would just love to be some intellectual who doesn't care about what his hair looks like, I know I'm not that person.
Honor thy Error as thy True Intention.
Okay, so maybe it really read: Honor Your Error as Your True Intention. I just liked making it sound more old world. I'm a vain person. But I think my vanity comes from wanting to present myself a certain way. And I started to notice how flat the hair was looking. I had just let it grow. I didn't trim my sideburns much. I didn't thin it out. I have very thick hair and usually I have to cut into it with a razor to "give it texture." It had no texture. It was my full head of hair. The full head of hair I hadn't had for a long time because even when I had hair, it was styled.
I was cleansing myself of my cleansing. I had shaved my head to cleanse myself. I wanted to show how different I was because my Dad had died. I wanted to mark the event. I later found out that shaving of the head after someone dies is a spiritual thing. It's supposed to mean that you're not invested in vanity. It removes vanity because the mourning process is about the person who has died. So I stripped myself clean. I kept my head shaved because I wasn't ready to let go. My head was shaved for almost nine months. It started to feel like a security blanket. I'm in mourning, leave me alone.
Then I went to Hawaii to spread my Dad's ashes. Once we came back, I knew I wanted to grow my hair out again. So I just let it grow. It got to a point where it really needed to be trimmed and shaped. I wasn't ready to go back to a stylist. I wasn't ready to just hop back into my vanity. So as a tribute, I went to the guy who had been shaving my head at my childhood barber shop and I had him trim the back and the sides a bit. He cleaned me up. So at least I looked presentable. But it wasn't a style. It wasn't a coif. It was just a haircut at a barber shop. That seemed fine to me.
Like I said, I was cleansing myself of my cleansing by growing my hair out. I hadn't had my hair long since my break up over three years ago when I cut my hair to get rid of the image of me that this ex had. He loved my hair long and I got rid of it because I wanted to get him out of my system. It's documented on the early days of this blog as a matter of fact. Summer went. Fall came. I went to Sonoma to a friend's house and I was around a bunch of hot looking gay guys. I just let it keep growing. I wasn't trying to compete or compare. I had a bigger mission. I needed to grow my hair long for me. It was the me that I felt the most comfortable with, not because my hair looked great long, but because people liked it. I have been told that I have beautiful hair since I started growing it out in college.
Eventually, it just got longer and longer. 2014 began. I knew I had to cut it soon, but I just needed to let it grow and grow and grow. Then I thought of keeping it going and going all Jared Leto like I said. But then I started working again and being vital again. I was working on a new play and a new pilot. I had thought about re-entering my old world, but this time being different. I was too busy being a worker bee to care about how I looked. And somehow that persona became comfortable. Too comfortable. I felt like Grizzly Adams. But slowly, what started happening was that I started to lose weight. I lost about 15ish pounds. And the long hair started to look slovenly to me. It started to look uncool. I started realizing how uncool I looked. Vanity came back.
But I realized, it wasn't just about being cool. It was about presenting myself to the world and I had stopped doing that. I had stopped caring. I got an influx of cash through work and I thought about how I could procure more work. I started pursuing some opportunities to put my work out into the public. And i realized that I would have to start putting myself into the public soon. But the person I appeared to be wasn't a public person. This was not a good presentation. I had grown out sideburns and hair that started to smell after a week of not washing. Even pulling my hair back when I was in the shower started not to look so hot. I realized I had to start having a healthy relationship to my vanity, which was integral to who I am. To deny my vanity was to deny myself.
I had been living a secluded life. I had been living a life on hold for so long that I started caring less about my appearance. But to be fair, I don't think my life over the three years really has been about my appearance. It has been a serious period of growth and reflection. I feel like I have been on a spiritual retreat for three years, but still living my life. It's like having walking pneumonia. Or it's like a walking meditation. I wasn't closing my eyes or going into a cave or being silent, but I was removed from my life while I was living it in order to reflect on it. Now my outer self had begun to represent this inner journey. But the problem was that I was getting ready to leave the sanctity of my quiet, reflective life in order to re-enter a world I had felt ambivalent about. My ambivalence was showing in my appearance. And I didn't want it any more.
I knew I wanted to have some sort of look. And I knew it would start with clothes. I went to the Adidas Employee Store in Portland. Half off and no sales tax. That sounded like a good place to start a make over. I got some new shoes just for fashion. Then I bought a couple of hoodies. I bought some tank tops. I got another pair of shoes for running. I knew I would look cool hanging out or working out or running. I started to think about looking cool again.
Then I called my friend Nina who cuts hair. I had run into Nina at my best friend's bachelorette party. She cut my hair years ago and she knew what I used to look like. So I made an appointment. And I cut it all off.
I realized that I no longer wanted to look like the guy my ex wanted.
I no longer could base my look on a reaction to not looking like the guy he wanted.
I shaved my head for my Dad for a very good reason, but that's not who I am either.
And I'm not the guy who doesn't care what he looks like.
Every time Nina brought the razor blade out to cut into my hair and thin it out, I felt like I was taking the weight of the past three years off of my shoulders. I had decided to go longer on the top and shorter on the sides without looking like a hipster. That's not my look. I like clean and classic, with a bit of edge that comes from being a brown preppy type guy.
I looked great. I could now see how the weight loss looked on my face. I was no longer hiding. I was making money, being productive, making a plan for how to save money and be productive and make more money. I felt of the world again.
So I kept trying to find the right pair of jeans. I felt like I needed some jeans that reflected who I am. I had a pair borrowed from a friend. And I had a lot of boyfriend jeans or pants that used to look good on me. I didn't want any of that any more. But none of the jeans I found fit well. Then I went to the Gap Outlet with my Mom today and I decided to try on some jeans. They were half off. The skinny jeans in a size up fit perfectly. So I got two different washes. And a denim shirt.
I tried out a denim on denim look, which is on trend right now. It looked terrific. I had a look that made me happy. I started to see myself. I started to see how I could walk into a room and look someone in the eye. I started to see my youth and my confidence.
Appearances are important. To me. I love fashion. I love telling a story about myself through my appearance. I went into my closet and picked the clothes that best represent me now. I'm not quite done with the shopping, I'm sure. But I just wanted some clothes that felt good to put on. I needed some swagger and I've got it back.
I can't forget about me. I can't stop living life on my terms. This is my look.
I am grateful for all the new clothes I bought.
I am grateful for the work opportunities that helped out with achieving my new look.
I am grateful for Nina.
I am grateful for the time to reflect.
I am grateful that I look handsome again.
It looked all right. I even considered keeping it long and letting it get shoulder length so I could ombre it at the ends and look like Jared Leto. The only problem: I'm not Jared Leto. Well, and one other problem, I was getting impatient. I noticed that I was looking kind of shaggy. And as much as I would just love to be some intellectual who doesn't care about what his hair looks like, I know I'm not that person.
Honor thy Error as thy True Intention.
Okay, so maybe it really read: Honor Your Error as Your True Intention. I just liked making it sound more old world. I'm a vain person. But I think my vanity comes from wanting to present myself a certain way. And I started to notice how flat the hair was looking. I had just let it grow. I didn't trim my sideburns much. I didn't thin it out. I have very thick hair and usually I have to cut into it with a razor to "give it texture." It had no texture. It was my full head of hair. The full head of hair I hadn't had for a long time because even when I had hair, it was styled.
I was cleansing myself of my cleansing. I had shaved my head to cleanse myself. I wanted to show how different I was because my Dad had died. I wanted to mark the event. I later found out that shaving of the head after someone dies is a spiritual thing. It's supposed to mean that you're not invested in vanity. It removes vanity because the mourning process is about the person who has died. So I stripped myself clean. I kept my head shaved because I wasn't ready to let go. My head was shaved for almost nine months. It started to feel like a security blanket. I'm in mourning, leave me alone.
Then I went to Hawaii to spread my Dad's ashes. Once we came back, I knew I wanted to grow my hair out again. So I just let it grow. It got to a point where it really needed to be trimmed and shaped. I wasn't ready to go back to a stylist. I wasn't ready to just hop back into my vanity. So as a tribute, I went to the guy who had been shaving my head at my childhood barber shop and I had him trim the back and the sides a bit. He cleaned me up. So at least I looked presentable. But it wasn't a style. It wasn't a coif. It was just a haircut at a barber shop. That seemed fine to me.
Like I said, I was cleansing myself of my cleansing by growing my hair out. I hadn't had my hair long since my break up over three years ago when I cut my hair to get rid of the image of me that this ex had. He loved my hair long and I got rid of it because I wanted to get him out of my system. It's documented on the early days of this blog as a matter of fact. Summer went. Fall came. I went to Sonoma to a friend's house and I was around a bunch of hot looking gay guys. I just let it keep growing. I wasn't trying to compete or compare. I had a bigger mission. I needed to grow my hair long for me. It was the me that I felt the most comfortable with, not because my hair looked great long, but because people liked it. I have been told that I have beautiful hair since I started growing it out in college.
Eventually, it just got longer and longer. 2014 began. I knew I had to cut it soon, but I just needed to let it grow and grow and grow. Then I thought of keeping it going and going all Jared Leto like I said. But then I started working again and being vital again. I was working on a new play and a new pilot. I had thought about re-entering my old world, but this time being different. I was too busy being a worker bee to care about how I looked. And somehow that persona became comfortable. Too comfortable. I felt like Grizzly Adams. But slowly, what started happening was that I started to lose weight. I lost about 15ish pounds. And the long hair started to look slovenly to me. It started to look uncool. I started realizing how uncool I looked. Vanity came back.
But I realized, it wasn't just about being cool. It was about presenting myself to the world and I had stopped doing that. I had stopped caring. I got an influx of cash through work and I thought about how I could procure more work. I started pursuing some opportunities to put my work out into the public. And i realized that I would have to start putting myself into the public soon. But the person I appeared to be wasn't a public person. This was not a good presentation. I had grown out sideburns and hair that started to smell after a week of not washing. Even pulling my hair back when I was in the shower started not to look so hot. I realized I had to start having a healthy relationship to my vanity, which was integral to who I am. To deny my vanity was to deny myself.
I had been living a secluded life. I had been living a life on hold for so long that I started caring less about my appearance. But to be fair, I don't think my life over the three years really has been about my appearance. It has been a serious period of growth and reflection. I feel like I have been on a spiritual retreat for three years, but still living my life. It's like having walking pneumonia. Or it's like a walking meditation. I wasn't closing my eyes or going into a cave or being silent, but I was removed from my life while I was living it in order to reflect on it. Now my outer self had begun to represent this inner journey. But the problem was that I was getting ready to leave the sanctity of my quiet, reflective life in order to re-enter a world I had felt ambivalent about. My ambivalence was showing in my appearance. And I didn't want it any more.
I knew I wanted to have some sort of look. And I knew it would start with clothes. I went to the Adidas Employee Store in Portland. Half off and no sales tax. That sounded like a good place to start a make over. I got some new shoes just for fashion. Then I bought a couple of hoodies. I bought some tank tops. I got another pair of shoes for running. I knew I would look cool hanging out or working out or running. I started to think about looking cool again.
Then I called my friend Nina who cuts hair. I had run into Nina at my best friend's bachelorette party. She cut my hair years ago and she knew what I used to look like. So I made an appointment. And I cut it all off.
I realized that I no longer wanted to look like the guy my ex wanted.
I no longer could base my look on a reaction to not looking like the guy he wanted.
I shaved my head for my Dad for a very good reason, but that's not who I am either.
And I'm not the guy who doesn't care what he looks like.
Every time Nina brought the razor blade out to cut into my hair and thin it out, I felt like I was taking the weight of the past three years off of my shoulders. I had decided to go longer on the top and shorter on the sides without looking like a hipster. That's not my look. I like clean and classic, with a bit of edge that comes from being a brown preppy type guy.
I looked great. I could now see how the weight loss looked on my face. I was no longer hiding. I was making money, being productive, making a plan for how to save money and be productive and make more money. I felt of the world again.
So I kept trying to find the right pair of jeans. I felt like I needed some jeans that reflected who I am. I had a pair borrowed from a friend. And I had a lot of boyfriend jeans or pants that used to look good on me. I didn't want any of that any more. But none of the jeans I found fit well. Then I went to the Gap Outlet with my Mom today and I decided to try on some jeans. They were half off. The skinny jeans in a size up fit perfectly. So I got two different washes. And a denim shirt.
I tried out a denim on denim look, which is on trend right now. It looked terrific. I had a look that made me happy. I started to see myself. I started to see how I could walk into a room and look someone in the eye. I started to see my youth and my confidence.
Appearances are important. To me. I love fashion. I love telling a story about myself through my appearance. I went into my closet and picked the clothes that best represent me now. I'm not quite done with the shopping, I'm sure. But I just wanted some clothes that felt good to put on. I needed some swagger and I've got it back.
I can't forget about me. I can't stop living life on my terms. This is my look.
I am grateful for all the new clothes I bought.
I am grateful for the work opportunities that helped out with achieving my new look.
I am grateful for Nina.
I am grateful for the time to reflect.
I am grateful that I look handsome again.
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