That's what my therapist said today during our session.
He also said: "So what do you want? A few extra dollars to by a few extra things? A bigger car?"
To which I replied: "Yeah...?"
He told me that I already have everything I need. Am I living the life I want to? Am I making the choices I want to?
"You don't sound unemployed," he said.
"I don't feel unemployed. I'm busy. I've got a lot going on. I'm productive."
"It sounds good."
It took me a second to think about that. I nodded. "Yeah, it does." How about that?
I countered. "I still have student loans."
He waved me off. "You'll get that taken care of."
Wait. All of my anxiety, all of my worry, all of my self-judgment...gone with the wave of a hand? Is it that easy. My therapist would say that it is that easy.
"You've got it."
And it's funny. I do. I have been calling this life I've been leading a template for the life I want to live. But I'm in it. Yes, I could use a bigger car and a nicer place to live and some extra ducets. And I will get those, but only by living the life I want to be living. I don't have a job I hate that I've been in for too long or a relationship I feel trapped by that I've been in for too long. I'm living the life I want.
Bears repeating: I'm living the life I want. Period. No "but." I have a man I love who respects me, who gives me good lovin', who is kind, smart, delicious, fun, passionate and talented. I'm writing plays constantly. I have work that keeps me engaged and excited. I have family and a personal life.
So all I have to do is keep going. It's only as hard as I choose it to be.
I like the sound of that.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
A Direction, Not The Direction
Just as much as I'm practicing the principles of LETTING GO and SAYING YES, encompassed with that is the principle of SURRENDERING. I have always had an idea of the direction I want to go in and have pursued that with energy and vision. That has served me well, but what I'm trying to practice now is surrender. Oprah Winfrey says, "When you've done everything you possibly can, just surrender it to the Universe."
I'm looking at my calendar and it's indicating a certain direction. It may not be the direction, but it's a direction.
Today I have a conference call about a play that's being read in DC next month. We're going to discuss what I want from the reading and what's still troubling me about the play. Thursday, I have another discussion with a local theatre company about the same play to discuss what the play is about and what I'm trying to achieve. Then on Saturday, my writers group is getting together and I'm supposed to be presenting new pages.
Next week I have dinner with a literary manager at South Coast Rep. Then the holiday party for the Playwrights group I'm a member of, which will include a lot of theatre professionals and other writers. Then that weekend I'm attending three new play readings.
In January, I'm doing a mini-workshop of a play I wrote this year. Then I'm going back to Santa Clara to guest lecture on the business of getting representation. Hopefully, I can get some meetings set up with some necessary folks in the Communications and English departments re: me teaching there again.
And in February, I'm going back to Santa Clara for another lecture.
Is that the direction, I should be going in. I don't know. But I do know that my calendar is filled with a lot of theatre and education related events. So I'm just going to keep going forward and fill my time in between with the writing I need to be doing. And we'll just take it from there.
I'm looking at my calendar and it's indicating a certain direction. It may not be the direction, but it's a direction.
Today I have a conference call about a play that's being read in DC next month. We're going to discuss what I want from the reading and what's still troubling me about the play. Thursday, I have another discussion with a local theatre company about the same play to discuss what the play is about and what I'm trying to achieve. Then on Saturday, my writers group is getting together and I'm supposed to be presenting new pages.
Next week I have dinner with a literary manager at South Coast Rep. Then the holiday party for the Playwrights group I'm a member of, which will include a lot of theatre professionals and other writers. Then that weekend I'm attending three new play readings.
In January, I'm doing a mini-workshop of a play I wrote this year. Then I'm going back to Santa Clara to guest lecture on the business of getting representation. Hopefully, I can get some meetings set up with some necessary folks in the Communications and English departments re: me teaching there again.
And in February, I'm going back to Santa Clara for another lecture.
Is that the direction, I should be going in. I don't know. But I do know that my calendar is filled with a lot of theatre and education related events. So I'm just going to keep going forward and fill my time in between with the writing I need to be doing. And we'll just take it from there.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Post-Thanksgiving Wrap Up
Thanksgiving was wonderful. I had an early dinner with my friends and my Mom at Steve and Vic's. The first without my Dad, but it seemed to go off without a hitch. Then The Drummer and I drove down to Indio so he could play a gig that night. Lots of fun at Fantasy Spring Casino where I could smoke inside and drink lots of Jack and Gingers. And apparently The Drummer and I were Eye Fucking each other throughout all three sets, according to the lead singer's girlfriend, Jasmine. It was cute as could be.
After drinking our faces off and a threeway that never came to pass, we had sex and went to bed. Then woke up, had sex again and got our asses on the road. Well, first we had to go to the Fantasy Springs Casino Buffet and gorge ourselves on salads, tri tip, potstickers, samosas, and lots of yummy stuff that's bad for us. I love a buffet. But I have a particular thing about how I eat at buffets. I think I got this from my Dad, but maybe not.
There are the types of people at buffets that are just so happy to be drinking and smoking at 10 AM and wearing elastic wasted pants that they don't care about decorum. So they do a few interesting things:
1) They load up two plates at a time at the buffet. Because they get winded if they get up too much? God, I hope not. I think this is a little ridiculous. It's kind of like double fisting at the bar, but it's so much worse. It's gluttonous and white trashy in the worst way possible. But what makes it worse is...
2) When people decide that they are going to fit all of the buffet on their very crowded plate(s). They probably skip making their own green salad and go straight to the prepared salads. Then they put on some chicken, maybe a piece of steak, ravioli, burrito, pizza, creamed spinach, sweet and sour pork and ribs. A bunch of stuff that doesn't go together at all. Yes, of course, my look of disgust is followed by their response of: "Hey, it's all goin' the same place anyway", which is followed by a loud belch. Then they continue eating and dip their pizza or ribs into a very full side of Ranch dressing.
This is how I do it. It's so much more civilized:
1) Plate One: Salads/Cold Items. I like to start out slow and make a little green salad for myself: romaine lettuce, cucumbers, beets, blue cheese crumbles, maybe some bacon bits if they're real crumbled bacon, olives and garbanzo beans. Then a balsamic dressing. If the build your own salad items are good, then I'll do a full salad first. Or if I'm really hungry I'll do a full salad. Otherwise, I'll add some prepared salads to the side.
2) Plate Two: Meat. I'll choose my main protein, like a try tip or roasted chicken. Maybe salmon if it looks good or another fish. Then I'll choose some sides that go with that: mac and cheese, veggies, creamed spinach. Maybe pasta if there isn't another starch. But I make sure that it looks just like a regular plate I'd order at another restaurant. Sometimes I'll add another protein like ribs...as long as it goes together.
3) Plate Three: Smorgesbord. Okay, I know I said that I don't like to mix everything together. But what I do here is a selection of appetizers. Maybe I'll go revisit the cold prepared salads to add to this. I maybe even take this opportunity to try the soup with some apps on my plate as well. So if I'm doing Asian, then I'll do potstickers, char siu bao, potstickers and maybe even some noodles. If it's Italian, I'll do pizza and pasta, maybe even a little more salad to get some greens on there.
4) Plate Four: Dessert. At this point I'm pretty full and I don't really have a sweet tooth. So it might just be a parfait or chocolate mousse or a piece of cheesecake and a fruit tart. Something light and fun. If there's a chocolate fountain, then maybe some chocolate dipped strawberries. But the key is to make the plate look pretty.
The key is to make the plate look good. You can always go back for more. That's never an issue. But when I see people pile their plates up high like they're storing nuts for the winter, it just drives me crazy. It's not civilized. A buffet is basically a multiple course dinner. So I like it to look that way.
Now that I've kind of recovered (I didn't go with The Drummer to his gig last night), I'm in bed writing and getting work done. I'll probably either make a stuffed portabello mushroom or tacos later for dinner and read some plays I need to read. I need to recover from a debaucherous past few nights. My liver and stomach both need a break.
After drinking our faces off and a threeway that never came to pass, we had sex and went to bed. Then woke up, had sex again and got our asses on the road. Well, first we had to go to the Fantasy Springs Casino Buffet and gorge ourselves on salads, tri tip, potstickers, samosas, and lots of yummy stuff that's bad for us. I love a buffet. But I have a particular thing about how I eat at buffets. I think I got this from my Dad, but maybe not.
There are the types of people at buffets that are just so happy to be drinking and smoking at 10 AM and wearing elastic wasted pants that they don't care about decorum. So they do a few interesting things:
1) They load up two plates at a time at the buffet. Because they get winded if they get up too much? God, I hope not. I think this is a little ridiculous. It's kind of like double fisting at the bar, but it's so much worse. It's gluttonous and white trashy in the worst way possible. But what makes it worse is...
2) When people decide that they are going to fit all of the buffet on their very crowded plate(s). They probably skip making their own green salad and go straight to the prepared salads. Then they put on some chicken, maybe a piece of steak, ravioli, burrito, pizza, creamed spinach, sweet and sour pork and ribs. A bunch of stuff that doesn't go together at all. Yes, of course, my look of disgust is followed by their response of: "Hey, it's all goin' the same place anyway", which is followed by a loud belch. Then they continue eating and dip their pizza or ribs into a very full side of Ranch dressing.
This is how I do it. It's so much more civilized:
1) Plate One: Salads/Cold Items. I like to start out slow and make a little green salad for myself: romaine lettuce, cucumbers, beets, blue cheese crumbles, maybe some bacon bits if they're real crumbled bacon, olives and garbanzo beans. Then a balsamic dressing. If the build your own salad items are good, then I'll do a full salad first. Or if I'm really hungry I'll do a full salad. Otherwise, I'll add some prepared salads to the side.
2) Plate Two: Meat. I'll choose my main protein, like a try tip or roasted chicken. Maybe salmon if it looks good or another fish. Then I'll choose some sides that go with that: mac and cheese, veggies, creamed spinach. Maybe pasta if there isn't another starch. But I make sure that it looks just like a regular plate I'd order at another restaurant. Sometimes I'll add another protein like ribs...as long as it goes together.
3) Plate Three: Smorgesbord. Okay, I know I said that I don't like to mix everything together. But what I do here is a selection of appetizers. Maybe I'll go revisit the cold prepared salads to add to this. I maybe even take this opportunity to try the soup with some apps on my plate as well. So if I'm doing Asian, then I'll do potstickers, char siu bao, potstickers and maybe even some noodles. If it's Italian, I'll do pizza and pasta, maybe even a little more salad to get some greens on there.
4) Plate Four: Dessert. At this point I'm pretty full and I don't really have a sweet tooth. So it might just be a parfait or chocolate mousse or a piece of cheesecake and a fruit tart. Something light and fun. If there's a chocolate fountain, then maybe some chocolate dipped strawberries. But the key is to make the plate look pretty.
The key is to make the plate look good. You can always go back for more. That's never an issue. But when I see people pile their plates up high like they're storing nuts for the winter, it just drives me crazy. It's not civilized. A buffet is basically a multiple course dinner. So I like it to look that way.
Now that I've kind of recovered (I didn't go with The Drummer to his gig last night), I'm in bed writing and getting work done. I'll probably either make a stuffed portabello mushroom or tacos later for dinner and read some plays I need to read. I need to recover from a debaucherous past few nights. My liver and stomach both need a break.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
50 Gratitudes in One Day
I have a bunch of friends who have been doing 50 Days of Gratitude. I like to challenge myself. I'm going to do a speed round of 50 Gratitudes in One Day. Is gratitudes a word? No matter.
In no particular order.
50. A new single by Solange Knowles. I'm listening to "Lovers in the Parking Lot" from her new EP Pure. Listening to it off the NPR website.
49. Days where I can just lay around and let my mind wander. I've had two of those this month.
48. Tony Asaro. We're finally working on a project together. More info to come.
47. Workouts. I'm working out three days a week consistently and it's starting to pay off.
46. Tea. I love tea. All sorts of tea. It soothes me. Right now I'm kicking it old school with Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea. Been drinking it since I was a wee lad.
45. My boyfriend's blue eyes. Been looking into them for sixteen and a half months and counting.
44. My MacBook. I inherited it from my sister in law at a time when I really needed it.
43. Taquitos, Enchiladas, Posole and Tamales: the Mexican food I learned to make from my Mexican grandmother and my Chinese father.
42. Pepe's No. 2: While we're on the subject. My faves are the chorizo and papas burrito, the green chile pork burrito with rice, nachos, tostadas and the carne asada soft tacos.
41. Day trips. The boyfriend has reintroduced them to me. My Dad used to take us on little day road trips all the time when we were young.
40. My students at Santa Clara University. I haven't taught there in a year, but I spent the better part of the past 12 months being inspired by them as I taught and directed them.
39. Veronica Gonzalez. She's not on Facebook, so she won't see this. But I love the dinners she cooks with her fiance (and my college floor mate) James. And I love it when we drink...
38. Manhattans. Oh dear Jesus.
37. Thanksgiving. It's here again. I love it.
36. My therapist. He's helping.
35. DVR. Right now we've got episodes of The New Normal, Nashville, Anthony Bourdain (both The Layover and No Reservations), The Latino List I and II, Glee, The Voice and Game Change.
34. Pretzel Time. Jeff knows what I mean.
33. Rogue Machine Theatre. I'm getting to know them very well.
32. Productivity. I wrote a new play this year. I wrote a spec episode of Glee for submissions. I have a pilot that I'm rewriting. A pilot I wrote a shitty first draft of. A one act musical I wrote and saw produced this past summer. My blog I'm maintaining. Two pilots that I am currently outlining. Not bragging, just happy to be busy.
31. Life. My Dad died this year. So I'm grateful to still be here.
30. My boyfriend's stamina.
29. Regular meetings with Larry Pontius. We get to talk about what we're working on. It makes me accountable and it's the whole reason for item 32.
28. A shaved head. Less time getting ready in the morning. Has made me look both more mature and younger at the same time. Love THAT trick.
27. Crazy nights out in West Hollywood. I can appreciate them now that they are no longer routine and now that they only happen once in a blue moon.
26. Time. However I spend it.
25. Tour. The boyfriend has been going out on tour for the past three months in a row. It's sad for him to be gone, but it's great time for us to realize how much we value each other.
24. Sleep. I love it.
23. Twenty minutes of quiet time a day. I don't get it every day or often enough, but I'm grateful when I get it.
22. NPR and MSNBC. Because I'm that guy and proud of it.
21. Our president. And the fact that he's been re-elected.
20. Family. My bro and my Mom and my niece and nephew and sister in law.
19. Madonna.
18. The last three months of my Dad's life when I was at my parents' home caretaking. I learned more about myself in those three months.
17. The Playwrights Union and the folks I've met there. They're giving me a community out here in LA that I'm happy to be a part of.
16. Jerry, Carolyn, Jeff and Kristin: my colleagues from SCU who keep me inspired and want me to come back. The fact that two of them were also my mentors when I was a student there makes me think it would be fun to go back.
15. Documentaries. I love them. I just watched the David Geffen American Masters documentary that was on PBS last night.
14. Theatre. I want to do more of it.
13. My loud mouth. It usually gets me into trouble, but this year it helped me protect someone I love and made me realize it can be used for good instead of evil. :)
12. Friends. Especially the ones who have lost a parent and made it easier because they understood in a way other people couldn't.
11. Cafe Gratitude. Because I like a raw vegan meal every once in a while.
10. Korean Spas. Because sometimes it's nice to relax and sometimes it's nice to relax with others.
9. Cleanses. They have kept me free from getting colds for the past two years.
8. Running. It clears my head.
7. Words.
6. Five and a half hour drives to and from the Bay Area. No radio. Just me and my thoughts. So good.
5. In N Out burgers.
4. Music. And musicians. And one drummer in particular.
3. Pool time at Vic and Steve's during the summer.
2. Psyllium husk powder. Keeps things moving.
1. The wisdom that comes with age.
In no particular order.
50. A new single by Solange Knowles. I'm listening to "Lovers in the Parking Lot" from her new EP Pure. Listening to it off the NPR website.
49. Days where I can just lay around and let my mind wander. I've had two of those this month.
48. Tony Asaro. We're finally working on a project together. More info to come.
47. Workouts. I'm working out three days a week consistently and it's starting to pay off.
46. Tea. I love tea. All sorts of tea. It soothes me. Right now I'm kicking it old school with Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea. Been drinking it since I was a wee lad.
45. My boyfriend's blue eyes. Been looking into them for sixteen and a half months and counting.
44. My MacBook. I inherited it from my sister in law at a time when I really needed it.
43. Taquitos, Enchiladas, Posole and Tamales: the Mexican food I learned to make from my Mexican grandmother and my Chinese father.
42. Pepe's No. 2: While we're on the subject. My faves are the chorizo and papas burrito, the green chile pork burrito with rice, nachos, tostadas and the carne asada soft tacos.
41. Day trips. The boyfriend has reintroduced them to me. My Dad used to take us on little day road trips all the time when we were young.
40. My students at Santa Clara University. I haven't taught there in a year, but I spent the better part of the past 12 months being inspired by them as I taught and directed them.
39. Veronica Gonzalez. She's not on Facebook, so she won't see this. But I love the dinners she cooks with her fiance (and my college floor mate) James. And I love it when we drink...
38. Manhattans. Oh dear Jesus.
37. Thanksgiving. It's here again. I love it.
36. My therapist. He's helping.
35. DVR. Right now we've got episodes of The New Normal, Nashville, Anthony Bourdain (both The Layover and No Reservations), The Latino List I and II, Glee, The Voice and Game Change.
34. Pretzel Time. Jeff knows what I mean.
33. Rogue Machine Theatre. I'm getting to know them very well.
32. Productivity. I wrote a new play this year. I wrote a spec episode of Glee for submissions. I have a pilot that I'm rewriting. A pilot I wrote a shitty first draft of. A one act musical I wrote and saw produced this past summer. My blog I'm maintaining. Two pilots that I am currently outlining. Not bragging, just happy to be busy.
31. Life. My Dad died this year. So I'm grateful to still be here.
30. My boyfriend's stamina.
29. Regular meetings with Larry Pontius. We get to talk about what we're working on. It makes me accountable and it's the whole reason for item 32.
28. A shaved head. Less time getting ready in the morning. Has made me look both more mature and younger at the same time. Love THAT trick.
27. Crazy nights out in West Hollywood. I can appreciate them now that they are no longer routine and now that they only happen once in a blue moon.
26. Time. However I spend it.
25. Tour. The boyfriend has been going out on tour for the past three months in a row. It's sad for him to be gone, but it's great time for us to realize how much we value each other.
24. Sleep. I love it.
23. Twenty minutes of quiet time a day. I don't get it every day or often enough, but I'm grateful when I get it.
22. NPR and MSNBC. Because I'm that guy and proud of it.
21. Our president. And the fact that he's been re-elected.
20. Family. My bro and my Mom and my niece and nephew and sister in law.
19. Madonna.
18. The last three months of my Dad's life when I was at my parents' home caretaking. I learned more about myself in those three months.
17. The Playwrights Union and the folks I've met there. They're giving me a community out here in LA that I'm happy to be a part of.
16. Jerry, Carolyn, Jeff and Kristin: my colleagues from SCU who keep me inspired and want me to come back. The fact that two of them were also my mentors when I was a student there makes me think it would be fun to go back.
15. Documentaries. I love them. I just watched the David Geffen American Masters documentary that was on PBS last night.
14. Theatre. I want to do more of it.
13. My loud mouth. It usually gets me into trouble, but this year it helped me protect someone I love and made me realize it can be used for good instead of evil. :)
12. Friends. Especially the ones who have lost a parent and made it easier because they understood in a way other people couldn't.
11. Cafe Gratitude. Because I like a raw vegan meal every once in a while.
10. Korean Spas. Because sometimes it's nice to relax and sometimes it's nice to relax with others.
9. Cleanses. They have kept me free from getting colds for the past two years.
8. Running. It clears my head.
7. Words.
6. Five and a half hour drives to and from the Bay Area. No radio. Just me and my thoughts. So good.
5. In N Out burgers.
4. Music. And musicians. And one drummer in particular.
3. Pool time at Vic and Steve's during the summer.
2. Psyllium husk powder. Keeps things moving.
1. The wisdom that comes with age.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Saying Yes to LETTING IT GO
When my Father was dying (I now refer to the year he spent sick as the time he was dying because he eventually did), I was forced into the position of caretaker, bodyguard, and pitbull. Remarkably, it was a role that I fit perfectly and that I loved playing. I could get out all of my aggression and anger at him and the situation by proving what a great son I was by yelling at people. And no one was immune to my anger: the doctors, the nurses, the care workers, the case workers, and especially my Mother.
I wanted to know how she could just kind of step back and LET GO of my Dad. It seemed like she was just completely freaked out by the whole experience and didn't know how to handle it. So she just didn't handle it. To be fair, my Mother didn't just disappear. She was managing and maintaining a certain status quo that her and my Father maintained during much of the later years of their marriage. She kind of just stood there and didn't lose her stuffing when my Father treated her like an emotional punching bag. It's the only life she knew with him, so to deviate from that at the end of his life would have felt like a betrayal I'm sure.
But I would come in, like a firestorm, and just handle the shit out of everything. As much as I complain (to this day) about how I had to handle my Dad and his needs, I know that something in me needed to prove to him and myself that I was capable of being the man in charge. My whole life my Father treated me like he was worried that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. And it's probably that fear and that mentality that prevented me from handling a lot of things in my life. I handled all of the things they didn't understand or have control over. I was an excellent student and I'm great at my job. I'm a writer and an artist and I excel at that. I'm a wonderful creative force. But when it comes to handling my money or responsibility in sustaining a level of livelihood, I'm not great at that. Because I was told from an early age that I wouldn't be good at it because I was exactly like my Mother. That idea got engrained in me. So deep.
Back to me being a pitbull...I had great purpose in yelling at people. I only got aggressive when I felt like there were answers that I wasn't being given. I have never accepted the idea that because of the color of my skin and because of where I grew up I was less than. I grew up feeling less than because I was gay or because I wasn't cute growing up. But never because I was Mexican and Chinese and from Downey, CA. So when my brown ass was in Downey Regional Hospital, I certainly wasn't going to let any of the doctors talk to me like they talked to the other families of patients they talked down to. My purpose was to make sure that my father was healthy and getting the best care possible. But then I realized something.
My Dad didn't care as much as the rest of us did. The rest of us include my Mom, my Brother, his friends, my friends, and me. And that's the first time I realized that I had to LET GO. I had held on to him so tight and started leading that I was no longer leading us towards what he wanted. He didn't want to fight. He had given up. His life would have been complete at a 68, almost 69, years. That wasn't good enough for me, but it was good enough for him. He had LET GO. Why was I having such a hard time?
I could say to him, "I can't want this more than you do." But I would continue to want him to live more than he wanted himself to live. So after going to every doctor's appointment, every nutritionist's appointment, making sure I was there for the doctor's rounds when he was in the hospital, writing the dos and don'ts on poster board on my parents' refrigerator, clearing out the high sodium foods from their pantry and refrigerator, yelling at my Mom for doing a shitty job, yelling at my Mom for not listening, yelling at my Mom for letting him fall and for not supervising him and for countless things--big and small--I finally had to LET IT GO.
But something happened in all of this. By defending my father and protecting him, I had realized what he couldn't articulate for my entire life. He had been protecting and defending me by yelling. It was usually at me. But in his mind, he was fighting for my life. Maybe that's why he didn't have any fight in him left. But I can't blame myself. I have to LET THAT GO. And when I realized that I embodied the kind of protection he believed in and that I truly was cut from the same cloth, I LET GO of needing him to validate me. We were done and resolved in our relationship without having the big conversation. I understood him because I had behaved like him over a prolonged period of time.
And that felt great. I felt resolved. I felt accomplished that my Father would die and we would have worked out most of our shit that kept me grounded my whole life. And not grounded in the sense of humble. But on the ground. Unable to fly. Weighed down. And now that weight was gone and I could start floating.
But then I still had anger. I had anger at my Mother for not doing everything I thought she should be doing to help the man she had stayed married to--against my advice, even. I didn't like the way she spoke to him. I didn't like that fact that she didn't have immediate answers for me when I asked her questions about his health. How could she not ask the doctors the most simple questions? And sadly, I understood how my Father could treat her poorly. I don't approve of it. But I really understood the frustration.
And I realized that I had to LET THAT GO too. I had to LET GO of the fact that my Mother didn't handle my Father's illness the way I would have. I had to LET GO of my expectations for her. I had to LET GO of my anger that she let me handle everything. But that's what she knew. She doesn't think she's capable of speaking up for my Father's health because he had controlled her for so long. And even though she had begun to speak up for herself, my Father had already rattled her to the core so long ago for so many years. I LET GO of my expectations for her. Well, I'm still LETTING GO. It's a hard process. But that's why I'm in therapy.
And once I started LETTING GO of my expectations for my parents, I started LETTING GO of other things:
My need to control everything.
My need to know exactly what's going to happen next.
My need to boss people around to show what a man I am because clearly a gay man has to prove himself to show that because he may talk, throw and act like a girl, it doesn't mean that he's a girl in the misogynistic pejorative sense.
My belief that everyone knows more than I do.
My belief that I'm not smart enough.
I had to LET IT ALL GO. And that's what I've said YES to. And the more I say YES to it and the more I LET GO, the more things fall away that are unnecessary. It's like this need I have to cleanse myself constantly. I just want to get rid of the empty calories in my life and the dead skin and the dirt. Anything that does not serve to reveal my most pure, most true self.
I wanted to know how she could just kind of step back and LET GO of my Dad. It seemed like she was just completely freaked out by the whole experience and didn't know how to handle it. So she just didn't handle it. To be fair, my Mother didn't just disappear. She was managing and maintaining a certain status quo that her and my Father maintained during much of the later years of their marriage. She kind of just stood there and didn't lose her stuffing when my Father treated her like an emotional punching bag. It's the only life she knew with him, so to deviate from that at the end of his life would have felt like a betrayal I'm sure.
But I would come in, like a firestorm, and just handle the shit out of everything. As much as I complain (to this day) about how I had to handle my Dad and his needs, I know that something in me needed to prove to him and myself that I was capable of being the man in charge. My whole life my Father treated me like he was worried that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. And it's probably that fear and that mentality that prevented me from handling a lot of things in my life. I handled all of the things they didn't understand or have control over. I was an excellent student and I'm great at my job. I'm a writer and an artist and I excel at that. I'm a wonderful creative force. But when it comes to handling my money or responsibility in sustaining a level of livelihood, I'm not great at that. Because I was told from an early age that I wouldn't be good at it because I was exactly like my Mother. That idea got engrained in me. So deep.
Back to me being a pitbull...I had great purpose in yelling at people. I only got aggressive when I felt like there were answers that I wasn't being given. I have never accepted the idea that because of the color of my skin and because of where I grew up I was less than. I grew up feeling less than because I was gay or because I wasn't cute growing up. But never because I was Mexican and Chinese and from Downey, CA. So when my brown ass was in Downey Regional Hospital, I certainly wasn't going to let any of the doctors talk to me like they talked to the other families of patients they talked down to. My purpose was to make sure that my father was healthy and getting the best care possible. But then I realized something.
My Dad didn't care as much as the rest of us did. The rest of us include my Mom, my Brother, his friends, my friends, and me. And that's the first time I realized that I had to LET GO. I had held on to him so tight and started leading that I was no longer leading us towards what he wanted. He didn't want to fight. He had given up. His life would have been complete at a 68, almost 69, years. That wasn't good enough for me, but it was good enough for him. He had LET GO. Why was I having such a hard time?
I could say to him, "I can't want this more than you do." But I would continue to want him to live more than he wanted himself to live. So after going to every doctor's appointment, every nutritionist's appointment, making sure I was there for the doctor's rounds when he was in the hospital, writing the dos and don'ts on poster board on my parents' refrigerator, clearing out the high sodium foods from their pantry and refrigerator, yelling at my Mom for doing a shitty job, yelling at my Mom for not listening, yelling at my Mom for letting him fall and for not supervising him and for countless things--big and small--I finally had to LET IT GO.
But something happened in all of this. By defending my father and protecting him, I had realized what he couldn't articulate for my entire life. He had been protecting and defending me by yelling. It was usually at me. But in his mind, he was fighting for my life. Maybe that's why he didn't have any fight in him left. But I can't blame myself. I have to LET THAT GO. And when I realized that I embodied the kind of protection he believed in and that I truly was cut from the same cloth, I LET GO of needing him to validate me. We were done and resolved in our relationship without having the big conversation. I understood him because I had behaved like him over a prolonged period of time.
And that felt great. I felt resolved. I felt accomplished that my Father would die and we would have worked out most of our shit that kept me grounded my whole life. And not grounded in the sense of humble. But on the ground. Unable to fly. Weighed down. And now that weight was gone and I could start floating.
But then I still had anger. I had anger at my Mother for not doing everything I thought she should be doing to help the man she had stayed married to--against my advice, even. I didn't like the way she spoke to him. I didn't like that fact that she didn't have immediate answers for me when I asked her questions about his health. How could she not ask the doctors the most simple questions? And sadly, I understood how my Father could treat her poorly. I don't approve of it. But I really understood the frustration.
And I realized that I had to LET THAT GO too. I had to LET GO of the fact that my Mother didn't handle my Father's illness the way I would have. I had to LET GO of my expectations for her. I had to LET GO of my anger that she let me handle everything. But that's what she knew. She doesn't think she's capable of speaking up for my Father's health because he had controlled her for so long. And even though she had begun to speak up for herself, my Father had already rattled her to the core so long ago for so many years. I LET GO of my expectations for her. Well, I'm still LETTING GO. It's a hard process. But that's why I'm in therapy.
And once I started LETTING GO of my expectations for my parents, I started LETTING GO of other things:
My need to control everything.
My need to know exactly what's going to happen next.
My need to boss people around to show what a man I am because clearly a gay man has to prove himself to show that because he may talk, throw and act like a girl, it doesn't mean that he's a girl in the misogynistic pejorative sense.
My belief that everyone knows more than I do.
My belief that I'm not smart enough.
I had to LET IT ALL GO. And that's what I've said YES to. And the more I say YES to it and the more I LET GO, the more things fall away that are unnecessary. It's like this need I have to cleanse myself constantly. I just want to get rid of the empty calories in my life and the dead skin and the dirt. Anything that does not serve to reveal my most pure, most true self.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Saying Yes to WRITING TELEVISION
I have been out here for several years trying to break into TV writing. I've had a few bites. I interviewed for a staff job on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I almost got into the Nickelodeon Writers Workshop. I have written numerous spec scripts and original pilots. I have had meetings with networks and studios. I was developing pilots at production companies and studios and was working on a web series idea. A lot has happened. But nothing came to fruition.
I've been knocking my head around trying to please all of these people and give them exactly what they want. But I hadn't been saying YES to what I want.
I'm a good networker and schmoozer. Sometimes I think that has come off as a bit desperate. So I'm LETTING GO of this idea that I need to hunt people down and I'm just going get my work done. I have three strong pilot ideas that are in various stages of development. This year I wrote a new play and a spec of Glee that I submitted to various writers workshops run by the studios. I have been working on one specific TV idea for months that seemed to stall out.
I meet with my friend Larry a few times a month just to shoot the shit and to check in with each other about where we are in terms of the scripts we are writing. Larry suggested that I stop hitting my head against the wall with this script that had gone from a half hour to a one hour and various incarnations with different ideas for characters, spinning and spinning into a desperate spiral. I had mentioned that I wanted to write a simple half hour show about my relationship with The Drummer. We're two different types of gay guys. I'm very obvious. He's not. And then trying to get our very different groups of friends together is sometimes challenging. I think there's a show in that. We also happen to be of two different cultures, but even within our gay culture there's a lot of culture clash. So I took Larry's advice and I started writing that show. I had a draft within a week. It was a messy shitty draft, but I had gotten it done.
In the meantime, I had a brainstorm about my previous idea. I had great characters, a great premise and I knew I had great plot. What I didn't have a great story. I didn't have the show. One of the characters is based on my Mom and her recent loss of her husband, my Father. This character always reached out to me and was the one I connected with. But I was writing a pilot that was about four women and three of them were rich, powerful and successful and at the top of their game. One was a former sex symbol, one was a broadcast journalist and one was a university professor. Then you had this woman who gave up a career and became a stay at home mom and who had just lost her husband. I had all of these great reference points and a wonderful intellectual conversation about who these women were and what they represented and their historical significance...blah, blah, blah. Not an interesting show. Interesting subject matter, for sure.
Then I decided to focus on this woman who is basically my mother. And I decided to make her the focus of my attention. Then the show came together with these other women written out and other women written in her place. I know the format. I know the journey of the pilot and where it will go from there. I have sat with these women for a little bit of time before really writing out my story and plot. I know what I want this show to be.
But I also knew that I wanted to write a one hour soap. I didn't have an interesting milieu and that's something I've been searching for. I want to write a big soap with people who have money and power and influence. I want to write deep family drama and sweeping epic stories as well. But I didn't have a setting. I had been writing something that took place in the art world, but that didn't seem authentic to me. It kept getting more and more fabricated.
I got in my car a few days ago and I thought to myself, "I need to come up with that magic idea for a one hour. These half hours are great and I'm excited about them. But I also have these dramatic plays and nothing to pair them up with in terms of a great TV sample." Then I went back to my family background. I have been hesitant to write about it. I write about being Latino or about being Asian, but never about both. Never my story of being of mixed race, of being Chexican (Chinese and Mexican). Then I thought about one of my favorite subjects. I'm deliberately being vague, I realize. But it's something I'm obsessed with and it's a world that does have money and influence. It also has struggle. It also has various levels of success and different types of characters already built in. There could be a criminal element to it. And some of my characters are Chexicans. I have a title. I started writing up my characters right away. And I'm off to the races.
I'm saying YES to writing all three of these projects before the end of the year. I'm LETTING GO of the feeling that I can't come up with an idea. I'm just letting it come to me.
I also have an idea I want to pitch with my best friend. She loves the idea. Her manager is reading my treatment and my new material. So that's four pilot ideas. I'm just trying to be here now. My worry has been that people are going to judge me on my past. On the fact that they know me in another capacity and not as a writer. But if you give them enough that is different, they can't judge you on what was there before. They have to judge you on who you are now if you give them enough information in which to make that call. But ultimately it's not about them and it's not about being judged, it's about being who I am now. And as long as I focus on that, the then will come.
I've been knocking my head around trying to please all of these people and give them exactly what they want. But I hadn't been saying YES to what I want.
I'm a good networker and schmoozer. Sometimes I think that has come off as a bit desperate. So I'm LETTING GO of this idea that I need to hunt people down and I'm just going get my work done. I have three strong pilot ideas that are in various stages of development. This year I wrote a new play and a spec of Glee that I submitted to various writers workshops run by the studios. I have been working on one specific TV idea for months that seemed to stall out.
I meet with my friend Larry a few times a month just to shoot the shit and to check in with each other about where we are in terms of the scripts we are writing. Larry suggested that I stop hitting my head against the wall with this script that had gone from a half hour to a one hour and various incarnations with different ideas for characters, spinning and spinning into a desperate spiral. I had mentioned that I wanted to write a simple half hour show about my relationship with The Drummer. We're two different types of gay guys. I'm very obvious. He's not. And then trying to get our very different groups of friends together is sometimes challenging. I think there's a show in that. We also happen to be of two different cultures, but even within our gay culture there's a lot of culture clash. So I took Larry's advice and I started writing that show. I had a draft within a week. It was a messy shitty draft, but I had gotten it done.
In the meantime, I had a brainstorm about my previous idea. I had great characters, a great premise and I knew I had great plot. What I didn't have a great story. I didn't have the show. One of the characters is based on my Mom and her recent loss of her husband, my Father. This character always reached out to me and was the one I connected with. But I was writing a pilot that was about four women and three of them were rich, powerful and successful and at the top of their game. One was a former sex symbol, one was a broadcast journalist and one was a university professor. Then you had this woman who gave up a career and became a stay at home mom and who had just lost her husband. I had all of these great reference points and a wonderful intellectual conversation about who these women were and what they represented and their historical significance...blah, blah, blah. Not an interesting show. Interesting subject matter, for sure.
Then I decided to focus on this woman who is basically my mother. And I decided to make her the focus of my attention. Then the show came together with these other women written out and other women written in her place. I know the format. I know the journey of the pilot and where it will go from there. I have sat with these women for a little bit of time before really writing out my story and plot. I know what I want this show to be.
But I also knew that I wanted to write a one hour soap. I didn't have an interesting milieu and that's something I've been searching for. I want to write a big soap with people who have money and power and influence. I want to write deep family drama and sweeping epic stories as well. But I didn't have a setting. I had been writing something that took place in the art world, but that didn't seem authentic to me. It kept getting more and more fabricated.
I got in my car a few days ago and I thought to myself, "I need to come up with that magic idea for a one hour. These half hours are great and I'm excited about them. But I also have these dramatic plays and nothing to pair them up with in terms of a great TV sample." Then I went back to my family background. I have been hesitant to write about it. I write about being Latino or about being Asian, but never about both. Never my story of being of mixed race, of being Chexican (Chinese and Mexican). Then I thought about one of my favorite subjects. I'm deliberately being vague, I realize. But it's something I'm obsessed with and it's a world that does have money and influence. It also has struggle. It also has various levels of success and different types of characters already built in. There could be a criminal element to it. And some of my characters are Chexicans. I have a title. I started writing up my characters right away. And I'm off to the races.
I'm saying YES to writing all three of these projects before the end of the year. I'm LETTING GO of the feeling that I can't come up with an idea. I'm just letting it come to me.
I also have an idea I want to pitch with my best friend. She loves the idea. Her manager is reading my treatment and my new material. So that's four pilot ideas. I'm just trying to be here now. My worry has been that people are going to judge me on my past. On the fact that they know me in another capacity and not as a writer. But if you give them enough that is different, they can't judge you on what was there before. They have to judge you on who you are now if you give them enough information in which to make that call. But ultimately it's not about them and it's not about being judged, it's about being who I am now. And as long as I focus on that, the then will come.
Saying Yes to WRITING THEATRE
I have always had an identity crisis. When I was in grad school, all of my professors told me that I should write in TV. And truthfully, I love that idea. I have loved television my whole life. One of my earliest memories was watching a TV show growing up and wanting to be the person who was in charge of saying what was going to happen in the stories. So I guess one of my earliest instincts was to be a writer, although I had no idea what that meant. I used to tape TV show theme songs and perform puppet shows for my 3rd and 4th grade class where the puppets would lip sync the theme songs.
But I started writing plays in college because I loved the interaction of writers, directors and actors. I was a wannabe theatre guy when I got to SCU. I thought the theatre people were so strange and interesting. And that's where I wanted to be. Fortunately, I had several professors who encouraged this in me. So I wrote plays and went to graduate school and studied writing plays, as well as film and TV. But the theatre world hasn't made me a star yet. So most of my time post grad school I have felt like a failure. I've written some wonderful plays in that time. But since I wanted to be a star and I'm not a star, all I've felt is failure and like I didn't fit in.
I've decided to LET IT GO. So I'm going to send my plays out like I always do. And I'm going to write plays like I always do. Back in February and March, I wrote a play for a writing challenge sponsored by a group I'm involved with called the Playwrights Union. The challenge was to write a play in a month, which I did. It was awful. But the feedback I got was so helpful that I finally wrote the play I was meant to write in four days. Then I rewrote and rewrote and did a reading of it in May. Then my best friend who was in the reading said she wanted to produce it. YES after YES after YES. So we're working on producing it now. We're going to do a workshop of it in January, when her schedule frees up.
I wrote a play last year called The Snake Charmer that I love. But it hasn't been shown much love. This week I got an email from a theatre called The Inkwell in D.C. that is going to do a reading of a section of the play as a part of a development program they run which I'm a finalist for. Based on that reading, I'll get some help from a dramaturg to work on the next draft. Then if that goes well, I'll do a four day intensive workshop in D.C. and if that's cool I'll get a production of it.
I've been submitting both plays to various festivals and development programs like The O'Neill, Sundance Theatre Labs, Portland Center Stage's Just Add Water festival, New Harmony, The Ground Floor at Berkeley Rep, Ojai Playwrights Festival, etc.
I knew I didn't have any plays in me for the rest of the year. I didn't have any ideas. I have three TV pilot ideas I am currently in various stages of writing. So I know that I'll be occupied with that for the rest of the year.
But my friend Tony who just moved back to SF from NYC decided to start a theatre company. And he kept saying to me that I'm on his "short list" of people to work with. We had talked about collaborating years ago when he was in NYC. But nothing came of it. So now he's got this theatre company that's starting. He teaches at SCU, so when I went up there I saw him for a few minutes. We talked about working together. He eventually sent me an idea he has. It's an adaptation of a famous play and I like his take on it. So that will be the play I'll write next year. I'll take it to next year's writing challenge. I'm saying YES to writing that play and getting invested in that idea and collaborating with a good friend of mine. I'm saying YES by reading the original source material and writing up some ideas for my take on it.
And all of a sudden I feel like a playwright again.
But I started writing plays in college because I loved the interaction of writers, directors and actors. I was a wannabe theatre guy when I got to SCU. I thought the theatre people were so strange and interesting. And that's where I wanted to be. Fortunately, I had several professors who encouraged this in me. So I wrote plays and went to graduate school and studied writing plays, as well as film and TV. But the theatre world hasn't made me a star yet. So most of my time post grad school I have felt like a failure. I've written some wonderful plays in that time. But since I wanted to be a star and I'm not a star, all I've felt is failure and like I didn't fit in.
I've decided to LET IT GO. So I'm going to send my plays out like I always do. And I'm going to write plays like I always do. Back in February and March, I wrote a play for a writing challenge sponsored by a group I'm involved with called the Playwrights Union. The challenge was to write a play in a month, which I did. It was awful. But the feedback I got was so helpful that I finally wrote the play I was meant to write in four days. Then I rewrote and rewrote and did a reading of it in May. Then my best friend who was in the reading said she wanted to produce it. YES after YES after YES. So we're working on producing it now. We're going to do a workshop of it in January, when her schedule frees up.
I wrote a play last year called The Snake Charmer that I love. But it hasn't been shown much love. This week I got an email from a theatre called The Inkwell in D.C. that is going to do a reading of a section of the play as a part of a development program they run which I'm a finalist for. Based on that reading, I'll get some help from a dramaturg to work on the next draft. Then if that goes well, I'll do a four day intensive workshop in D.C. and if that's cool I'll get a production of it.
I've been submitting both plays to various festivals and development programs like The O'Neill, Sundance Theatre Labs, Portland Center Stage's Just Add Water festival, New Harmony, The Ground Floor at Berkeley Rep, Ojai Playwrights Festival, etc.
I knew I didn't have any plays in me for the rest of the year. I didn't have any ideas. I have three TV pilot ideas I am currently in various stages of writing. So I know that I'll be occupied with that for the rest of the year.
But my friend Tony who just moved back to SF from NYC decided to start a theatre company. And he kept saying to me that I'm on his "short list" of people to work with. We had talked about collaborating years ago when he was in NYC. But nothing came of it. So now he's got this theatre company that's starting. He teaches at SCU, so when I went up there I saw him for a few minutes. We talked about working together. He eventually sent me an idea he has. It's an adaptation of a famous play and I like his take on it. So that will be the play I'll write next year. I'll take it to next year's writing challenge. I'm saying YES to writing that play and getting invested in that idea and collaborating with a good friend of mine. I'm saying YES by reading the original source material and writing up some ideas for my take on it.
And all of a sudden I feel like a playwright again.
Saying Yes to TEACHING
A couple of weeks ago I went back up to Santa Clara University (where I taught last Fall) to go visit some of my former students and see my friends and colleagues.
It started when I got a phone call from some of the male students who were in a study group for their Dramaturgy class. They were all in the Fall show, The Three Muskateers, and asked if I would come see them in the show.
I said YES, I'd try. Then I thought about it some more in the week following. I wanted to see my friend Veronica, who I hadn't seen since May. We had worked together on a project up there. I always stayed with V and her fiancé James. I missed them. And I always worry about my friend V. She's at a crossroads in her life as well, but feeling very stuck. I relate to that. I felt stuck for years before I walked out of my relationship two years ago. I even have given V my copy of Bethenny Frankel's "A Place of Yes" because it had been very helpful for me.
So I reach out to them to see if I could stay with them for the weekend. They said YES.
Then I thought since I was going to be up there and I had been putting out some feelers and looking for teaching jobs, that maybe I could see if I could set up a meeting with the Communications Department at SCU to see about teaching screenwriting or TV writing as an adjunct professor. I had reached out to my old boss, the head of the Theatre Department. She said that she would set something up for me. This was on a Monday and I was going to be up there on Friday. By Wednesday morning, I hadn't heard anything, so I reached out again. On Thursday night, I got an email that the person who she tried to put me in contact with had a booked schedule on Friday. I had my doubts whether my former boss had reached out when I asked her, but I LET IT GO.
Then I had coffee with a former colleague and we discussed my desire to teach. I thought of reaching out to the Comm Department because maybe I could teach one class in the theatre department and one class in the Comm Department to make it worth my while. He liked that idea and actually confirmed the idea that this person had dropped the ball. Without going into major details about the conversation to protect the identity of the person I had coffee with, an idea sprouted. This person is a person of influence. And he said he'd set up the meetings for me. He then asked me if I would be willing to relocate and how my boyfriend would feel about that. He said that he wanted to find a way to make me a colleague again. This is someone who possibly would have the resources to affect a change and avoid some of the red tape. He's also a person who shared his vision of what the theatre department could be. And that's when I lit up. His vision was about making the theatre education relevant to careers that extend beyond being an actor, writer, performer, director, or technician. Maybe the department tries to see itself and the skills attained through that degree program as applicable to other fields like law, psychology, architecture, PR, speech writing, etc. That's a progressive approach that I would like to be involved in. This conversation was filled with YESes.
Then I came back home. On the night of the Presidential Election (another night of big YESes), my friend Tim suggested that I just write up some syllabi of the courses I would want to teach, in case I was ever asked to present something. This past week I went through the course descriptions and requirements and created four syllabi. I have two other syllabi I could create for courses I could teach. That means I could teach six classes covering both departments. Actually, I just thought of another one. More YESes.
I don't know if teaching is the path. But I like the idea of affecting change using my skills. If that's through teaching and this opportunity, I welcome that. If it's through working in TV and it's a direct way to affect change, I welcome that.
Although, it was interesting to note that my mentor from college said to me at lunch that she had a feeling that I was moving back up to the Bay Area. I'm not sure if she's a clairvoyant, but she's definitely someone in my life who I feel is in touch and in tune with something metaphysical.
In the meantime, I'm being here now.
It started when I got a phone call from some of the male students who were in a study group for their Dramaturgy class. They were all in the Fall show, The Three Muskateers, and asked if I would come see them in the show.
I said YES, I'd try. Then I thought about it some more in the week following. I wanted to see my friend Veronica, who I hadn't seen since May. We had worked together on a project up there. I always stayed with V and her fiancé James. I missed them. And I always worry about my friend V. She's at a crossroads in her life as well, but feeling very stuck. I relate to that. I felt stuck for years before I walked out of my relationship two years ago. I even have given V my copy of Bethenny Frankel's "A Place of Yes" because it had been very helpful for me.
So I reach out to them to see if I could stay with them for the weekend. They said YES.
Then I thought since I was going to be up there and I had been putting out some feelers and looking for teaching jobs, that maybe I could see if I could set up a meeting with the Communications Department at SCU to see about teaching screenwriting or TV writing as an adjunct professor. I had reached out to my old boss, the head of the Theatre Department. She said that she would set something up for me. This was on a Monday and I was going to be up there on Friday. By Wednesday morning, I hadn't heard anything, so I reached out again. On Thursday night, I got an email that the person who she tried to put me in contact with had a booked schedule on Friday. I had my doubts whether my former boss had reached out when I asked her, but I LET IT GO.
Then I had coffee with a former colleague and we discussed my desire to teach. I thought of reaching out to the Comm Department because maybe I could teach one class in the theatre department and one class in the Comm Department to make it worth my while. He liked that idea and actually confirmed the idea that this person had dropped the ball. Without going into major details about the conversation to protect the identity of the person I had coffee with, an idea sprouted. This person is a person of influence. And he said he'd set up the meetings for me. He then asked me if I would be willing to relocate and how my boyfriend would feel about that. He said that he wanted to find a way to make me a colleague again. This is someone who possibly would have the resources to affect a change and avoid some of the red tape. He's also a person who shared his vision of what the theatre department could be. And that's when I lit up. His vision was about making the theatre education relevant to careers that extend beyond being an actor, writer, performer, director, or technician. Maybe the department tries to see itself and the skills attained through that degree program as applicable to other fields like law, psychology, architecture, PR, speech writing, etc. That's a progressive approach that I would like to be involved in. This conversation was filled with YESes.
Then I came back home. On the night of the Presidential Election (another night of big YESes), my friend Tim suggested that I just write up some syllabi of the courses I would want to teach, in case I was ever asked to present something. This past week I went through the course descriptions and requirements and created four syllabi. I have two other syllabi I could create for courses I could teach. That means I could teach six classes covering both departments. Actually, I just thought of another one. More YESes.
I don't know if teaching is the path. But I like the idea of affecting change using my skills. If that's through teaching and this opportunity, I welcome that. If it's through working in TV and it's a direct way to affect change, I welcome that.
Although, it was interesting to note that my mentor from college said to me at lunch that she had a feeling that I was moving back up to the Bay Area. I'm not sure if she's a clairvoyant, but she's definitely someone in my life who I feel is in touch and in tune with something metaphysical.
In the meantime, I'm being here now.
Saying Yes To EXERCISE
I have my routine. I go to the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Then I give myself the weekend to rest. It's my part time job and I'm starting to treat it like work, which is what I'm doing with a lot of things in my life. Since I don't have a formal job I'm getting paid to do right now, I am making as many things that I do a part of my regular schedule. This is to make sure that nothing in my life is just a hobby, but a job.
It's my JOB to work out.
I work out mainly to clear my head. It makes me feel like I'm constantly cycling out the toxins in my body. I'm sweating. I'm LETTING GO of fat. I'm LETTING GO of this idea that I won't have the body that I want, which translates into the falsehood that I can't have the life I want. So I'm practicing the action of putting forward what I want by letting myself have it. Each push up is a YES. Each pull up is a YES. Yesterday my chest said YES over 200 times and my back said YES over 150 times. I'm saying YES to the body I want and the life I want.
YES sounds like a mantra (and YES, it does sound like a mantra). These things help me. Each YES culminates in an action that gets me one step closer to who I want to be. It sounds all new agey and shit, but it works. And it's better than the ways we say no to ourselves countless times without thinking about it. So to counteract that with an intentional YES means that my goals are less and less impossible one YES at a time.
My boyfriend came home from tour a few weeks ago in the middle of the night. It was dark and I was asleep. He hadn't been home in ten days. When he crawled into bed, he grabbed me like he always does. We love to be cuddled up in each other all night long. It's the first time in my life where I have been able to do that. It's a complete surrender--a LETTING GO, if you will. So he comes home and he wakes me up with kisses. Then he feels around and he says that I've been getting more solid and slimming down. In ten days? That seems impossible. But it wasn't because it happened. It reminds me of a Zen saying I'm incredibly fond of. You have to be here now to be there then. That basically means, don't think too far ahead in the future. Just focus on being in the moment because if you focus on that, you'll find yourself at your destination before you know it. Just goes to show how precise the Buddhists are because Be here now so you can be there then covers it much more concisely and articulately.
Even that was a lesson. Just by going to the gym every day, I was saying YES to something. And sometimes I might not even know what I'm saying YES to. I'm just going to the gym and doing my sets and reps. I know exactly what I'm there to do, so I don't have to think about it too much, which means I don't start doubting myself and start stopping myself. I just go from exercise to exercise, a few YESes here and a few YESes there.
When I look at myself in the mirror at the gym I do have a sense of vanity. I like what I see. I like seeing the muscles working and being productive. It's a reflection (pun intended) of my own productivity on a larger scale. Because my boyfriend notices my hard work and my mirror notices my hard work, I feel validated. I feel a sense of purpose. And that sense of validation has made my desire to fool around (totally allowed in my relationship) when my boyfriend is out of town less desirable.
Because I said YES to exercise, I realized that my horniness when my boyfriend was out of town came from a place of needing to be validated. Since my boyfriend wasn't there to tell me how cute I was or to show me affection with a hug or a blow job or my fucking me, I needed to get it by showing off in the showers at the gym or jacking off with a stranger. I would mask the lesson by saying that I needed to get off or I needed some excitement since he was out of town. When I was with my Ex, I would say that I needed to do it because it was a stress reliever because of the turmoil I was dealing with at home. But it all came down to a need to be validated. And once I really started saying YES to exercise, I was validating myself. I didn't need it from an outside source. That's not to say that I won't ever fool around when he's out of town. But it's less motivated by validation or I'm motivated less often by my motivation.
I suppose you could say that I'm just getting older and our libido changes. But even that means that priorities are different and that I'm living with enough experience to finally figure out why certain things bring me pleasure and why certain things in my life have outlived their usefulness.
And if all of that self reflective mumbo jumbo doesn't work, then I can be happy with my bigger chest and bigger arms and flatter tummy. It works on that level too.
It's my JOB to work out.
I work out mainly to clear my head. It makes me feel like I'm constantly cycling out the toxins in my body. I'm sweating. I'm LETTING GO of fat. I'm LETTING GO of this idea that I won't have the body that I want, which translates into the falsehood that I can't have the life I want. So I'm practicing the action of putting forward what I want by letting myself have it. Each push up is a YES. Each pull up is a YES. Yesterday my chest said YES over 200 times and my back said YES over 150 times. I'm saying YES to the body I want and the life I want.
YES sounds like a mantra (and YES, it does sound like a mantra). These things help me. Each YES culminates in an action that gets me one step closer to who I want to be. It sounds all new agey and shit, but it works. And it's better than the ways we say no to ourselves countless times without thinking about it. So to counteract that with an intentional YES means that my goals are less and less impossible one YES at a time.
My boyfriend came home from tour a few weeks ago in the middle of the night. It was dark and I was asleep. He hadn't been home in ten days. When he crawled into bed, he grabbed me like he always does. We love to be cuddled up in each other all night long. It's the first time in my life where I have been able to do that. It's a complete surrender--a LETTING GO, if you will. So he comes home and he wakes me up with kisses. Then he feels around and he says that I've been getting more solid and slimming down. In ten days? That seems impossible. But it wasn't because it happened. It reminds me of a Zen saying I'm incredibly fond of. You have to be here now to be there then. That basically means, don't think too far ahead in the future. Just focus on being in the moment because if you focus on that, you'll find yourself at your destination before you know it. Just goes to show how precise the Buddhists are because Be here now so you can be there then covers it much more concisely and articulately.
Even that was a lesson. Just by going to the gym every day, I was saying YES to something. And sometimes I might not even know what I'm saying YES to. I'm just going to the gym and doing my sets and reps. I know exactly what I'm there to do, so I don't have to think about it too much, which means I don't start doubting myself and start stopping myself. I just go from exercise to exercise, a few YESes here and a few YESes there.
When I look at myself in the mirror at the gym I do have a sense of vanity. I like what I see. I like seeing the muscles working and being productive. It's a reflection (pun intended) of my own productivity on a larger scale. Because my boyfriend notices my hard work and my mirror notices my hard work, I feel validated. I feel a sense of purpose. And that sense of validation has made my desire to fool around (totally allowed in my relationship) when my boyfriend is out of town less desirable.
Because I said YES to exercise, I realized that my horniness when my boyfriend was out of town came from a place of needing to be validated. Since my boyfriend wasn't there to tell me how cute I was or to show me affection with a hug or a blow job or my fucking me, I needed to get it by showing off in the showers at the gym or jacking off with a stranger. I would mask the lesson by saying that I needed to get off or I needed some excitement since he was out of town. When I was with my Ex, I would say that I needed to do it because it was a stress reliever because of the turmoil I was dealing with at home. But it all came down to a need to be validated. And once I really started saying YES to exercise, I was validating myself. I didn't need it from an outside source. That's not to say that I won't ever fool around when he's out of town. But it's less motivated by validation or I'm motivated less often by my motivation.
I suppose you could say that I'm just getting older and our libido changes. But even that means that priorities are different and that I'm living with enough experience to finally figure out why certain things bring me pleasure and why certain things in my life have outlived their usefulness.
And if all of that self reflective mumbo jumbo doesn't work, then I can be happy with my bigger chest and bigger arms and flatter tummy. It works on that level too.
Taking to my blog
When people get depressed or need to reboot, they usually take to their bed. I'm not depressed, but I haven't written on this thing in a month and who knows how long before that. So I'm taking to my blog. It's not that I've intentionally neglected my blog. It's not like a lot of people read it, although I do have some very good and loyal friends who take a look at it.
I'm eating some very salty homemade (from a box) matzo ball soup. Oh, man is this salty! And I'm drinking my detox tea. I have taken my psyllium husk powder already this morning. I tend to go very simple with the food when I'm regrouping. Very bland and light. Cleansing the palate.
Sometimes I ponder the very point of writing this blog. Why do it? I started writing this blog two years ago because I had just gone through a break up and I wanted to document my progress. I feel a lot of pressure to make this blog entertaining instead of just an online journal. Although I feel like the online journaling is really important for me. And my secondary goal is it being entertaining. I've read through past blog posts and some of them are completely composed and "performed." I can see myself deliberately trying to be a good read. Some posts are raw. Some posts are just unformed (like this one, in fact).
I have been busy in the past two months. I'm still umemployed, but somehow I have been busier than ever. It helps pass the time and it means that I'm putting a lot of energy out there in different pots. I'm still in A Place of Yes where I'm accepting what comes my way.
I'm going to have a series of posts called "Saying Yes To...". I'm saying yes to a lot of things lately and those things are making my life quite full. I don't know where it is all leading, but I am saying yes more than anything.
The two mottos I've been living by for the past two years are:
"Say Yes to Everything."
"Let it Go."
It's like an emotional housecleaning. I'm letting go of everything in my life that's not necessary so that I can make room for the things I'm saying yes to.
So here we go...a series of new blog posts. Ready?
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