I.
I started this blog three and a half years ago after a break up. It was a traumatic time. That led to more trauma as my father got sick and eventually passed. As time has gone on, I have made contact with my ex and tried to get some sort of resolution about our relationship.
I've emailed.
We've talked a bit.
I've opened up.
I've tried to chat with him while we were naked at a Korean Spa about four months ago.
A part of me has wanted a friendship with him again.
We ran into each other at my friend's Gay Pride party (where I also saw him last year).
I'm done.
I'm done trying to be his friend.
I probably should have come to this conclusion earlier.
And I'm sure my friends have wondered why I have tried to be friends with him. But I thought that maybe enough time had passed.
I don't think our resolution will be happening in our lifetimes.
And that's fine. Partially because it has to be.
We are never ever ever getting back together. And we are never ever ever going to be friends.
How do I know this?
Well, every time I try to talk to him it feels uncomfortable.
And despite his new sobriety, his new introspection, and weight loss, he's the same guy.
I could feel the negativity.
I could feel the closed offness.
He was sending me some pretty clear signals. I just have to pick up on them.
He's not the nicest guy. He never was.
And I'm trying to stay away from negativity in my life.
I am happy for his progress in his life. I am happy that certain things that weren't able to happen while we were together, in terms of his own mental, physical and emotional health, are happening.
As I stood there, talking to him yesterday, cornering him really, I realized how much had changed in three and a half years. I was no longer the guy who felt inferior to him, who deferred to his Alpha Maleness. I also didn't feel like I had to prove myself to him. He had made a remark that the best thing I had ever written was a play that I wrote about my grandmother years ago. And it was the best thing I had ever written all of those years ago. But it wasn't the best thing I had written since. He has no clue about the person I have become because of the changes that happened in my life since our split. And I finally figured out that he doesn't have the right to know about those changes any more. I don't have to try and gain his friendship. His friendship is not there. And that is so okay with me now. I understand now that we were never friends to start and wouldn't be friends now because there is no foundation there. I wish him well. I don't feel like I have to explain all of this to him. I ready to go my separate way from him.
But the same things that were making him unhappy eight and a half years ago when we met are the same things that are making him unhappy now. And that's okay. But I don't have to be around it or chase it or resolve it or make it better. I am perfectly complete, content, happy and loved without him in my life now or ever.
II.
The other thing I'm done with is negativity in general. I know of a few people in my life who are just carrying a negative vibe around with them. Ick. And it's not like they're wearing black all of the time or drinking during the day or saying nasty shit constantly.
They're just unhappy and can't see the good around them. And they either put up with negativity and allow it to be around them or they are outwardly negative. It's not a malicious quality. They are not mean. But they are just unhappy and happy to be so.
I need them out of my life.
I am fine with listening to friends and they're problems. I love being a sounding board. But at a certain point, I am inviting danger and negativity into my sphere and consciousness by allowing them in my life. It's not that I don't love them. It's not that I won't check in on them from time to time, but I can't allow that energy in my life. I can't let them sour my soup.
I used to wonder why there was a cloak of sadness around me and a certain group of friends I had. It seemed like we were in the struggle and it was getting to all of us. What I realize now is that we were pulling each other down. As my attitude has changed, as I have worked through some of my shit, I realize that commiserating can be destructive if we are not conducting our lives differently as a result. I am watching people I know make mistakes and I am trying not to make those same mistakes.
I love these people. I care about them. But I am also not going to tolerate being treated in a way I shouldn't be treated. I have a friend who has stopped calling. I have a friend who didn't reach out when he came to LA. I have people who don't want to be a part of my life and yet I keep trying to bring them into the fold. If they don't want to be in my life, they shouldn't be a part of my life. I need to let them go because they are already gone.
I have a couple of new people who have come into my life who are kind and loving and smart as hell. We talk about things that aren't about why we're not getting this or that and why certain things aren't happening for us. It's useless talk. We talk about work and politics and make jokes. We have chemistry. It's wonderful. Most of these people happen to be straight men, which is interesting. Not like I haven't had close straight guy friends before. But I definitely sense an energy shift.
In order to invite change into my life, I have to make room. And it's time.
I am grateful for these new men in my life.
I am grateful for creative partnerships.
I am grateful for sweet people.
I am grateful for kindness and love.
I am grateful for my boyfriend.
I am grateful for the lessons I am learning.
I am grateful for change.
