That's a song from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along, a musical I love.
Hey old friend
Are you okay, old friend?
What do you say, old friend?
Are we or are we unique?
Time goes by, everything else keeps changing
You and I we get continued next week.
Most friends fade
Or they don't make the grade
New ones are quickly made
And in a pinch, sure they'll do
But us, old friend, what's to discuss old friend
Here's to us
Who's like us?
Damn few…
Last night I dreamt about my old friends from college, but in particular one group. We were all friends and a bit on the fringes. Actually, I hung with them, but also felt a bit on the fringe from them as well. My friends Julie, Eric and Jessica. They were like the merry band all together. I bounced around a lot. But they were thick as thieves. And Eric was one of my best friends. I adored him.
So last night, we were all together for some occasion. Like in the dream I documented on the blog a few weeks ago, we are all adults. And we were reunited. A funny moment in the dream was when I waved to my friend Jessica, and then from behind her, my ex roommate Peter, who considered me an arch nemesis throughout college, thought I was waving at him and waved back.
If I can remember back from the dream I had before, the adult versions of ourselves interacting with each other means that there is integration from the person I was in college and who I am today. The dream reminded me that I'm on the right path and that the person I need to be today is here. I have come back to the person I was in college.
Thanks, old friends for showing up for me.
I am grateful for these dreams that reveal truths to me.
I am grateful for old friends, people who have known me.
I am grateful for the adventures that this next stage in my life will bring.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Detour
Last night, I was driving to my Mom's house. I usually go visit my Mom once a week, to check in to see how she's doing and all. So last night I was on the freeway and there were some closures, so I got off early.
Then on the street I had turned off on, there was a closure, and all of a sudden I found myself crossing over the freeway (which by the way, did not look closed off). I was on a street called Eastern which I had been on a lot as a kid on my way to my Grandmother's house. Then I saw her street: Triggs. I was in her old neighborhood. Then I figured…I have to go by her old apartment now.
So I drove down the street, crossed a few streets I didn't recognize. The neighborhood looked completely different from what I remembered. There are a lot more gates around the properties than there were when I was growing up. So then I get to her apartment building.
I remember being a kid and walking down the street that bordered hers, Downey Road, to go to the "little market", which was the corner store we used to go to when we wanted snacks or candy. I remember a lot of times in that two bedroom apartment. It was my sanctuary.
Even though I grew up in a nicer neighborhood only a few miles away from her, I have a real connection to my time in East LA when I used to go visit. Then I remembered something the tarot cards said:
Remember your past successes and let them buoy you to your future success.
My life story is that I overcame my circumstances to become the person I am. I overcame coming from a lower middle class background to go to a prestigious high school, to college and eventually to graduate school at NYU. And when I look at my current circumstances in life, they seem so far away from where I want to be.
But I've been here before.
And if I can overcome my circumstances once, I can do it again.
yes, my circumstances are much better than where I came from. But now there's another hurdle I want to jump.
No problem.
I am grateful that fate brought me back to my Grandmother's apartment to remind me that I have overcome my circumstances before with great, unbelievable and surprising success.
I am grateful that my Grandmother's spirit is guiding me.
I am grateful that the lessons of the tarot reading continue to come through for me.
I am grateful for everything I have because I have A LOT.
I am grateful that there still is hope and wonder in my heart.
I am grateful for where I have come from.
Then on the street I had turned off on, there was a closure, and all of a sudden I found myself crossing over the freeway (which by the way, did not look closed off). I was on a street called Eastern which I had been on a lot as a kid on my way to my Grandmother's house. Then I saw her street: Triggs. I was in her old neighborhood. Then I figured…I have to go by her old apartment now.
So I drove down the street, crossed a few streets I didn't recognize. The neighborhood looked completely different from what I remembered. There are a lot more gates around the properties than there were when I was growing up. So then I get to her apartment building.
I remember being a kid and walking down the street that bordered hers, Downey Road, to go to the "little market", which was the corner store we used to go to when we wanted snacks or candy. I remember a lot of times in that two bedroom apartment. It was my sanctuary.
Even though I grew up in a nicer neighborhood only a few miles away from her, I have a real connection to my time in East LA when I used to go visit. Then I remembered something the tarot cards said:
Remember your past successes and let them buoy you to your future success.
My life story is that I overcame my circumstances to become the person I am. I overcame coming from a lower middle class background to go to a prestigious high school, to college and eventually to graduate school at NYU. And when I look at my current circumstances in life, they seem so far away from where I want to be.
But I've been here before.
And if I can overcome my circumstances once, I can do it again.
yes, my circumstances are much better than where I came from. But now there's another hurdle I want to jump.
No problem.
I am grateful that fate brought me back to my Grandmother's apartment to remind me that I have overcome my circumstances before with great, unbelievable and surprising success.
I am grateful that my Grandmother's spirit is guiding me.
I am grateful that the lessons of the tarot reading continue to come through for me.
I am grateful for everything I have because I have A LOT.
I am grateful that there still is hope and wonder in my heart.
I am grateful for where I have come from.
Friday, February 7, 2014
The Dream
My tarot card reading from December said that in the steps coming up I need to pay special attention to my dreams. My powers of intuition are going to pay a big role in what's to come and that I need to trust the messages that are being sent to me. I need to remain silent and hear the sounds of the universe around me telling me where I need to be.
I have had very vivid dreams over the past two to three weeks especially. I knew that my dreams were speaking to me, but I really had no idea what they were saying. I just knew that they were VIVID. I went online and looked up what that might mean and one of the interpretations was that I might have mental health issues.
Well, that didn't sound too encouraging.
But I knew that there was a high level of creativity there because my dreams were so specific and so artful. There were songs and there were high levels of storytelling in my dreams. I would have paid money to see the movie version of my dreams and not just for symbolism, but also for their storytelling. I knew that there was a message in them somewhere, but I didn't know what. I just knew that they were striking visually and it seemed like they were trying to get my attention.
Last night I had a dream that I was back in Portland, but like all of my dreamscapes, this Portland was more visual, more magical and more exciting in some ways. I love Portland. My brother and his family lives there. I used to live there. There's a possibility of me doing some big things there. But it holds a special place in my heart.
In this dream, I was on the streets, visiting friends, going through neighborhoods. It was a little Portlyn, meaning it was a mix of what I remember about Brooklyn and Portland combined. Maybe that's why it felt more vivid to me. I was there for some sort of conference or meeting. Wieden and Kennedy, the ad agency I used to work for, was having some sort of event there. Everything about it felt ideal. It felt like the ideal place to live and work and be a part of. It felt intensely creative and exciting.
I was walking back to my hotel because I had to head back home and suddenly a raccoon has a tight grip on my hand. It's like a vice. I try to shake it off, but it stays on there. I shake it off, it hops back on. I shake it off, it hops back on. Eventually, I shake it off and head into the back entrance of the hotel.
Immediately, when I get to the hotel two of my closest friends from my Portland days are arriving at the hotel, Chris and Jarrett. They've got huge smiles on their faces and they're glad to see me. They're actually super excited to see me and I notice something. They look like their current pictures in Facebook. I haven't seen Jarrett in many, many years. I haven't seen Flanny (my nickname for Chris) in at least five years. They've got their suitcases and they just got there. We can't believe we're running into each other. They wonder if there's any way I can stay.
I tell them that I'll go up to my room and see if I can keep it. It's Room 417. I also need to see if I can change my flight. It's less than two hours before I need to be home and I am already late in heading to the airport. Chris writes down his room number so I don't forget. Room 517. Exactly one floor up from my room.
I try and call my boyfriend. He's not answering. I'm not sure if I'm calling to tell him I might not be coming home or if I'm looking for him. Then I head back up to the room. It's a gorgeous suite and no one is in it.
I see my friend Tove on the streets.
I get an Instagram video from old high school friends, all looking like their present day selves. They send me a video from the beach to wish me well.
Here is why that dream had such an effect on me and why I feel it has something to say:
The tarot cards said that I need to pay attention to my dreams for clues in the steps coming up in my life. I have for a very long time had dreams about high school, dreams about Portland, dreams about my past that always seemed to be about the person I used to be. They were nostalgic. They felt like a long ago time in my distant past. I felt very removed from those memories. But I have those dreams at least once a month, if not more, and I have had them for years. It felt like I was living in the past and I didn't know how to get back to that person.
This was the first time I was having a dream about friends from my past who are in the present and in a place that represents a utopia. I felt like Chris and Jarrett were asking me if I was going to stay in this place or if I really wanted to go back home. I desperately wanted to stay.
I am no longer remembering the past in the past. And I realize now that those previous dreams were not about times I wanted to relive. The dreams were about the person I was. And now that those people who represent a time in my life where I was truly myself and truly happy and fulfilled exist in my present (or a version of my utopian future), that means that I am living as that person in my present.
It means that truly…I am back.
The significance of the room numbers seemed to be that I was going from 417 to 517. I am going to take things to the next level.
I now know that those dreams were about getting that person back. And sure there's fear--in part of the dream I had a loose tooth (which signifies feeling doubt or incompetence)--but that was such a minor part of the dream. Most of the dream was about the person I am now reclaiming myself, my true self in a place that represents truly who I am.
The Brooklyn/Portland mash up represents a state of mind more than going back to New York or Portland. Place doesn't define me. But when I am in a mental place where I feel truly alive and fulfilled, I will always feel like it's the most beautiful, the most exciting and the most creative place.
The fear fuels me, it no longer defines me. It does not hold me back. The cards said: "There can be no courage without fear to inspire it."
I am back.
I even saw my friend Tove, from my old Portland days, who wished me well.
And the raccoon? The raccoon, according to dream interpretations, represents a secret or deceit. And it was covering up my hand. I'm a writer, so it seems like the deceit is the way I deceive myself or keep the secret of who I am from people. And finally I threw him off…my writing hand. My writing talent is no longer a secret!!!!!! And the hand was closed. A hand closed or clasped represents unity, completeness, acceptance or agreement according to the dream interpretation. I am unified. The person I am on the inside is now the same as the person people see.
Like my cards said, that person is:
An Entrepreneur
A Self Starter
He Uses His Full Potential
He Has Relentless Drive and Energy
He is Self Reliant and Confident
The Card is no longer Inverted. I am no longer inverted. I was deceiving myself in thinking about myself as anything other than as an entrepreneur, a self starter, someone who uses his full potential, who has relentless drive and energy and who is self reliant and confident. That is no longer a secret.
I am no longer a secret.
I am unified.
I am complete.
I am accepting of myself.
I am in agreement on the inside and on the outside.
I remember a few years ago, I had gone on a spiritual journey with a Shaman and was approached by someone who saw all of me. And he said,
"I see you. You are a warrior. You are amazing. You have it all. You are everything."
And…
"You have never made a mistake in your life. Everything in your life is exactly as it was meant to be. Start living your life as if you have never made a mistake."
I finally got there last night in this dream.
This journey of the past three plus years I thought started the minute I walked out the door from my boyfriend of five years and nine days.
But this journey started with my spiritual, Shaman-guided journey.
Remarkable.
Everything in the tarot cards is now revealed to me. I am seeing everything manifested. I am unified with my mission, my destiny, and my spiritual power.
It is truly awesome.
I am grateful for this dream.
I am grateful for always following my instinct.
I am grateful that I have never made a mistake in all of my life.
I am grateful to be back.
I am grateful to live in the fullness of my potential, in the fullness of my awareness.
I am grateful that I woke up this morning and transcribed this dream with my full openness.
The tarot cards said that if I already think I am open minded, I need to go further. And I think getting in touch with my intuitive powers is allowing me to go further.
I am gone.
I have had very vivid dreams over the past two to three weeks especially. I knew that my dreams were speaking to me, but I really had no idea what they were saying. I just knew that they were VIVID. I went online and looked up what that might mean and one of the interpretations was that I might have mental health issues.
Well, that didn't sound too encouraging.
But I knew that there was a high level of creativity there because my dreams were so specific and so artful. There were songs and there were high levels of storytelling in my dreams. I would have paid money to see the movie version of my dreams and not just for symbolism, but also for their storytelling. I knew that there was a message in them somewhere, but I didn't know what. I just knew that they were striking visually and it seemed like they were trying to get my attention.
Last night I had a dream that I was back in Portland, but like all of my dreamscapes, this Portland was more visual, more magical and more exciting in some ways. I love Portland. My brother and his family lives there. I used to live there. There's a possibility of me doing some big things there. But it holds a special place in my heart.
In this dream, I was on the streets, visiting friends, going through neighborhoods. It was a little Portlyn, meaning it was a mix of what I remember about Brooklyn and Portland combined. Maybe that's why it felt more vivid to me. I was there for some sort of conference or meeting. Wieden and Kennedy, the ad agency I used to work for, was having some sort of event there. Everything about it felt ideal. It felt like the ideal place to live and work and be a part of. It felt intensely creative and exciting.
I was walking back to my hotel because I had to head back home and suddenly a raccoon has a tight grip on my hand. It's like a vice. I try to shake it off, but it stays on there. I shake it off, it hops back on. I shake it off, it hops back on. Eventually, I shake it off and head into the back entrance of the hotel.
Immediately, when I get to the hotel two of my closest friends from my Portland days are arriving at the hotel, Chris and Jarrett. They've got huge smiles on their faces and they're glad to see me. They're actually super excited to see me and I notice something. They look like their current pictures in Facebook. I haven't seen Jarrett in many, many years. I haven't seen Flanny (my nickname for Chris) in at least five years. They've got their suitcases and they just got there. We can't believe we're running into each other. They wonder if there's any way I can stay.
I tell them that I'll go up to my room and see if I can keep it. It's Room 417. I also need to see if I can change my flight. It's less than two hours before I need to be home and I am already late in heading to the airport. Chris writes down his room number so I don't forget. Room 517. Exactly one floor up from my room.
I try and call my boyfriend. He's not answering. I'm not sure if I'm calling to tell him I might not be coming home or if I'm looking for him. Then I head back up to the room. It's a gorgeous suite and no one is in it.
I see my friend Tove on the streets.
I get an Instagram video from old high school friends, all looking like their present day selves. They send me a video from the beach to wish me well.
Here is why that dream had such an effect on me and why I feel it has something to say:
The tarot cards said that I need to pay attention to my dreams for clues in the steps coming up in my life. I have for a very long time had dreams about high school, dreams about Portland, dreams about my past that always seemed to be about the person I used to be. They were nostalgic. They felt like a long ago time in my distant past. I felt very removed from those memories. But I have those dreams at least once a month, if not more, and I have had them for years. It felt like I was living in the past and I didn't know how to get back to that person.
This was the first time I was having a dream about friends from my past who are in the present and in a place that represents a utopia. I felt like Chris and Jarrett were asking me if I was going to stay in this place or if I really wanted to go back home. I desperately wanted to stay.
I am no longer remembering the past in the past. And I realize now that those previous dreams were not about times I wanted to relive. The dreams were about the person I was. And now that those people who represent a time in my life where I was truly myself and truly happy and fulfilled exist in my present (or a version of my utopian future), that means that I am living as that person in my present.
It means that truly…I am back.
The significance of the room numbers seemed to be that I was going from 417 to 517. I am going to take things to the next level.
I now know that those dreams were about getting that person back. And sure there's fear--in part of the dream I had a loose tooth (which signifies feeling doubt or incompetence)--but that was such a minor part of the dream. Most of the dream was about the person I am now reclaiming myself, my true self in a place that represents truly who I am.
The Brooklyn/Portland mash up represents a state of mind more than going back to New York or Portland. Place doesn't define me. But when I am in a mental place where I feel truly alive and fulfilled, I will always feel like it's the most beautiful, the most exciting and the most creative place.
The fear fuels me, it no longer defines me. It does not hold me back. The cards said: "There can be no courage without fear to inspire it."
I am back.
I even saw my friend Tove, from my old Portland days, who wished me well.
And the raccoon? The raccoon, according to dream interpretations, represents a secret or deceit. And it was covering up my hand. I'm a writer, so it seems like the deceit is the way I deceive myself or keep the secret of who I am from people. And finally I threw him off…my writing hand. My writing talent is no longer a secret!!!!!! And the hand was closed. A hand closed or clasped represents unity, completeness, acceptance or agreement according to the dream interpretation. I am unified. The person I am on the inside is now the same as the person people see.
Like my cards said, that person is:
An Entrepreneur
A Self Starter
He Uses His Full Potential
He Has Relentless Drive and Energy
He is Self Reliant and Confident
The Card is no longer Inverted. I am no longer inverted. I was deceiving myself in thinking about myself as anything other than as an entrepreneur, a self starter, someone who uses his full potential, who has relentless drive and energy and who is self reliant and confident. That is no longer a secret.
I am no longer a secret.
I am unified.
I am complete.
I am accepting of myself.
I am in agreement on the inside and on the outside.
I remember a few years ago, I had gone on a spiritual journey with a Shaman and was approached by someone who saw all of me. And he said,
"I see you. You are a warrior. You are amazing. You have it all. You are everything."
And…
"You have never made a mistake in your life. Everything in your life is exactly as it was meant to be. Start living your life as if you have never made a mistake."
I finally got there last night in this dream.
This journey of the past three plus years I thought started the minute I walked out the door from my boyfriend of five years and nine days.
But this journey started with my spiritual, Shaman-guided journey.
Remarkable.
Everything in the tarot cards is now revealed to me. I am seeing everything manifested. I am unified with my mission, my destiny, and my spiritual power.
It is truly awesome.
I am grateful for this dream.
I am grateful for always following my instinct.
I am grateful that I have never made a mistake in all of my life.
I am grateful to be back.
I am grateful to live in the fullness of my potential, in the fullness of my awareness.
I am grateful that I woke up this morning and transcribed this dream with my full openness.
The tarot cards said that if I already think I am open minded, I need to go further. And I think getting in touch with my intuitive powers is allowing me to go further.
I am gone.
PROGRESS REPORT: Tarot Card Reading: Honor Thy Error
My friend Susan did a Tarot Card reading for me at the end of December. As I approach my birthday and as I start to see how those things are manifesting themselves, I thought I would write about what has happened since that reading.
I have to say that the big thing I have learned in my life is patience. I am the king of impatience. A big lesson I have learned over the past three years is that I have to LET IT GO. And it seems like my IT is so many things. When I think I've let go, there are way more things to let go of. It's like when you clean out a cluttered garage or room, you start to see more and more areas that you want clean. When the room is cluttered, you can't see anything. All you can see is clutter, so you figure "might as well just put more in here." But when you start cleaning things out, it feels like there's more and more you want to get rid of. And once you get all the clutter out, then you want to clean the walls, mop the floors and dust the place. It feels like there is more and more to do so that it is clear and it sparkles.
That's what I've been doing with my life over the past three years.
And what has happened over the past several weeks, while I just close my eyes and think upon the tarot reading is remarkable. Because I didn't move boulders. I didn't pave new roads. I just thought differently. That's all.
When Susan did the reading, it felt incredibly traumatic. I think that's partially because of her interpretation. We are such close friends and she has her own wants and needs for me as someone who cares, that it became "YOU'RE LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE!!!!! WATCH OUT!!! WARNING!!! WARNING, WILL ROBINSON!!!!!"
Thank God I found another site that helped me interpret the cards in an impartial way. Because at the end of the reading, it felt like the whole reading was about my relationship and that I had to change things with that. Of course, that's my reaction to it as well. It's not just all Susan. And she was just looking out for me. One of the things I do (also indicated in the cards) is that I run around like a chicken like my head cut off and if I have a blister, I'll cut off my hand. I have a history of being very reactionary. But I just took a breath. I had to look up another interpretation because I needed to see something positive. Fortunately, I found a lot that was positive that also coincided with what Susan told me.
As the weeks went on, I kept going back to the reading because I had no idea of what anything meant. I would have no idea where to go from there. So I would just go back to the blog post every other day or every three days and just read it over. Sometimes my mind would glaze over. Sometimes something would pop out to me. But in those first two weeks or so, I just read it over and had no idea where it was all headed.
I'm realizing that if I just let life happen and I'm listening to the signs, then things will become clearer. I'm learning to do less. To not push things to happen. My cards supported that approach. One thing the cards said I heard from the beginning:
Do nothing. Be quiet. Give love to yourself.
I knew I could fulfill an assignment to do nothing and to be good to myself. I even liked the idea of this assignment, so I was sure to follow it. I started finding more and more ways to be quiet. I would sit by myself. I would just lay in bed for a few minutes after I was already awake. Or I would go to bed and lay there in silence. I drove without the radio on. I went to the spa and just laid quiet. I would find myself alone a lot.
And whenever I wanted to criticize myself, I would just stop.
A lot of what was happening in these first few weeks was what both Susan and the other interpretation warned of. There was a lot of upheaval in my relationship. But instead of throwing the baby with the bathwater, I decided to stick with it. I was also told to give love to my relationship and to stop being ambivalent. What I realized that having concerns wasn't ambivalence. But not caring was definitely ambivalence and that I couldn't make decisions about my life or move forward if I was ambivalent. So I tried to find away to be less so. I didn't know how to do that right away, but eventually I stayed quiet, did nothing and I got there. And I loved myself for keeping on it.
I started to use this blog as a way to show gratitude. So after every blog entry, I would list at least three things I was grateful for. That was my way to show love to myself and to reflect on the things about myself that I do well and I value. A big problem I had was appreciating when things are good in my life or when I do good things. I'm realizing that the more I value myself is directly related to the good that happens. I was raised to think that the harder I am on myself, the harder I will work and the better off I will be. But that's directly in opposition to productivity. As I said earlier, my assignment to do nothing, love myself and be quiet was so exciting to me that I threw myself into it. Positive reinforcement.
Then I started noticing that whenever I would read the blog post, more and more would pop out to me. I would find meaning in the message of the post. I was seeing the signs. Then things would happen to me and I would start referring back to the cards. It even helped to just read the interpretations of the cards. I wouldn't try to make heads or tails, I would just read. Again, doing as little as possible. Nothing other than reading. And the messages started falling out.
The biggest change I'm seeing now is in the first card, which represents where I am now. I got The Hanged Man. It meant that I had a negative perception of myself I needed to let go of and that's why I was confused about my new direction. Through slowly processing the messages of the cards, I can see that I am not there now. I am letting go of that perception and am less ambivalent and less fearful. I was afraid that if I started to change direction, that I wouldn't care about the things I used to care about. And that could not be further from the truth. I just have a different reaction to the things that are happening around me. I am making choices instead of letting things happen to me. Doing nothing does not mean not being proactive. Being in control also doesn't mean that things are moving in the right direction. Sometimes we fight the current. That's definitely what I had been doing.
The alternative interpretation told me that if I didn't know how to change things, that I just had to let go of control. And I have to say that helped more than anything. I have negative self-limiting beliefs that I need to let go of. That's the only way things will change. Again, it wasn't about doing anything different, but thinking of myself differently. And that meant choosing different things for myself. My friend Dave said something brilliant. He said, "Whenever you feel that feeling to judge or control yourself or someone else boil up inside of you…don't."
So now I just…
Don't
That's my cue word. And it snaps me out. Thank God for Dave.
I am grateful for Dave's precise assessment and precise solution for my control issues.
I am grateful for a safe word.
I am grateful that I listened and that I continue to listen.
The next card said I needed to take stock. This was my Atmosphere card. The atmosphere around me. It was the Seven of Discs. It warned me not to rest on my laurels. To remember past successes and to let them buoy me into current and future success. The cards said that there would be a return on my investments: of time, of money, of effort. I had invested and invested a lot in myself through writing scripts, spending time, offering advice, being a good friend and son. Now I would start to see a return in my investment.
I am grateful that the Seven of Discs is starting to show itself in my atmosphere.
I am grateful that I am not resting on my laurels.
I am grateful that there has been a big return on my investments this week, especially.
I am grateful that there is more to come.
I am grateful that I can see and feel that coming.
The next card was about the lesson of my cycle. Six of Lovers. I had a choice to make between security and risk. I need to trust my instinct and go with what feels right. Be cautious about mixing business with romance. Choose love over fear. Bring back love into my life.
I have done this. I was producing The Drummer's radio show and I have stepped back. It was not good for our relationship. I was afraid that he would think I didn't love him if I stepped back. But it was not good for us because I could not be myself as a producer and he felt like I was in the way of the environment he was creating. We were at odds and it was having a drastic effect on our relationship. The cards said to re-bond in my relationship and that is what seems to be happening. Of course, not without difficulty. But I think even the difficulty is important. And I have chosen risk financially, cashing a check that I was holding onto because it meant that was all the money I had left. And already, this week I have earned more money. I am sticking with it. Positive reinforcement.
I am grateful that I continue to engage in my relationship without trying to premeditate an outcome.
I am grateful that I stepped back from the radio show.
I am grateful that things have gotten better.
I am grateful that I have chosen risk, even when it was come to money.
I am grateful that my risks are setting me free.
The next card was the Daughter of Swords, which represents my core beliefs. The cards said that people don't take me seriously and that I need to be open to new ideas. I need to stop proving my point. That's a big one. This is directly talking about my need to say don't sometimes. I need to know when to push and when to pull back in my relationship. I need to know when to be humble in interviews without putting myself down. Spiritually, I need to open my mind even further.
Part of letting go of producing the radio show was to help me let go. We went to a music conference last month, which brought up all of my issues in a big way of trying to set a certain outcome. Those 48 hours were a big lesson in trying to just constantly let go and give up my way of doing things. Because that's almost all I did the whole time. It was just one example after another of having to say Don't and Stop. In Kabbalah, they call it hitting the pause button before reacting. I was hitting pause so much I may have broken the button. I am also starting to meditate. Or at least preparing to meditate.
I just realized something big. When the Daughter of Swords is paired with the Two of Cups, it means marriage. Because I was so obsessed with what that meant in my relationship and being confused by that, I missed something. Well, actually there's no way I would have known this until now. The cards said that if it doesn't refer to romance, it refers to work and that I might be entering a work relationship. I have a meeting with a new manager on Tuesday. And I have my work out to two new agents. So there might be something going on in that realm as well.
I am grateful I finally am pressing the pause button.
I am grateful that I starting to examine and change my core beliefs, the ones that aren't working.
I am grateful that I am learning how to push in the right way and how to pull back in the right way.
I am grateful that revelations are happening even as I'm writing this.
The next card was the Two of Cups inverted and refers to the past few weeks before the reading. The big thing was that I was playing out an old relationship in this one and that was a big problem. The big relationship I was playing out was the way I think relationships should be. I always thought someone needs to be the hard ass and push and then someone needs to be more submissive. And I have been playing the hard ass and it has been fucking up my chance for happiness.
Status update: I am working on this one big time.
The cards also said that the work on that is work that needs to be done from past lives. That's why it is such a thorn in my side.
I am grateful to not shy away from what is difficult, that is where the rewards and the lessons are.
I am grateful that I figured out the bigger picture of what the Two of Cups was about.
I am grateful that my relationship has gotten much better since I figured this out.
The next card was Priestess of Cards and referred to how I move through the world. It was also inverted. A lot of my cards were inverted because I was blocked. Really blocked. It will be interesting to see what the cards are like the next time I do a reading. On the other hand, I don't want to premeditate an outcome. Let it go.
This is a Motherhood card. Showering my creations--and therefore myself-- with love. I don't give myself credit for past accomplishments so therefore no one else will either. It starts with me. Gratitude is a way to shower myself with love and to give myself credit for my past accomplishments and current ones. It says that a dark haired lady will be important in my life. At the time, it seemed like Karen from PSU. Maybe that's still true or maybe one of these women (or both of them) I'm meeting with have dark hair.
I am grateful that I get to shower myself with love.
I am grateful that I am learning to acknowledge and celebrate my past accomplishments.
I am grateful that this is making my a happier person.
Next: the Four of Cups. And it represents the next couple weeks, which now probably represents where I am now or where I've just been.
The cards said I would be going through old emotions: ambivalence, apathy and disconnection. Oh, I was disconnecting and running away every chance right after this and for a long while. It also talked about depression being more than just a passing mood. I had to just accept that and not judge it or try to do something about it. I can say that I don't feel depressed now, but now I can see how depressed I was acting even though I was "pushing through." I need to get specific about what I want. Still working on that, even though it was recently gotten more specific. So maybe the clue is to not push. I need to take action. Well, that's happening. Talk through my issues: boy has that been happening! This is the card that told me to create a gratitude journal and I have been expressing my gratitude throughout this blog ever since. I realized that this blog operates as a life review and helps me acknowledge what is going on with me, including my accomplishments. So I figured to add deliberate thankfulness to it in bold and italics would give everything more power and more consciousness.
I am grateful that I listened and I turned this blog into my gratitude journal.
I am grateful that I have made it through the past few weeks.
I am grateful that I am getting more and more specific about what I want without pushing.
Shaman of Wands is next. How I feel about myself. Inverted.
These are the words:
Entrepreneur
Self Starter
Uses full potential
Relentless drive and energy
Self Reliant and Confident
The inversion means that I am not seeing myself this way, so therefore, no one else could see that either.
Judging from the past few weeks, this is really changing. I am flipping the card.
Entrepreneur: I am starting my own Story Consulting business.
Self Starter: Started writing this new play. Reached out to executive friends for referrals to agents and managers.
Uses Full Potential: I am starting this business, writing, connecting with my contacts, being there for my family and friends and creating the life I want through clear, focused and deliberate action as well as clear, focused and deliberate intentions.
Relentless Drive and Energy: I am working on all of the above.
Self Reliant and Confident: I am working on all of the above AND I am confident enough to tell people that I am broke and I need work. I am confident to ask for what I need and not be worried about what people think of me for asking. What a sea change. Night and Day. 180 degrees.
The other interpretation that there are helpful men in my horizon or in my vicinity or in my direct line of vision. Also, it says that joy and plenty can be strong spiritual experiences, not just denial and austerity. It says relax a little and the spiritual growth will happen faster.
I am grateful that the most frustrating card in this reading is now not inverted.
I am grateful that I am truly an Entrepreneur, a Self Starter, I use my full potential, my relentless drive and energy, and my self reliance and confidence and that others are seeing that.
I am grateful for my new client and ready for more.
I am grateful that I can see the fruits of my labors, especially this week.
I am grateful for this week.
The Seven of Wands is the Hope and Fear card. It's assertive, it is the Writer's Card and it refers to Self Employment. And that is definitely happening. Despite my Fear. And now I have Hope that this is the right move for me. As it instructed, I tied up my loose ends with the past and I'm moving on! It also says that romance is stifled. Well, I will just have to see how that plays out and not freak out about it. And I will try not to draw any conclusions or associations.
The other interpretation says that I will come out on top and that I need to feel the fear and do it anyway! It says "Don't be afraid to let people know where you stand with them." I have been doing this with the Drummer, out of love and out of my need to be clear about what I want. This card points towards independence.
There can be no courage without fear to inspire it.
Starting this Story Consulting business is a big part of this. I am really going for it. I have a friend who is setting up my website and I have been working on the content for the website all week. The more I do that the more confident I am that I know enough to do this. I face that fear that I am enough every day and each time my fingers hit the keys to explain what my packages are, how much I charge and what my philosophy is I get more and more confident. I can feel the fear melting away and the Hope rising to the surface.
Two of Wands - Home. The cards say that success is imminent. I am moving in the right direction. Again the investment in time, ideas and money will pay off. Things are about to get more equal financially and in love. Remain positive and keep my eye on the prize. I am about to fit things together in new and in unusual ways. I think that's the business.
I am grateful for my intuition.
I am grateful for my focus.
I am grateful for love in my life coming from myself and others.
Priestess of Cups - Steps Coming Up. Dreams are a vital source of information. MORE ON THAT IN THE NEXT POST. Be open to the magical energy of life and the energy of love flowing around me. A literal woman will be there to help me. Financial success and creativity are linked. I need to be in touch with my clairvoyant tendencies. As I typed that, a woman who will be my agent flashed into my head.
I am grateful for opportunity.
I am grateful to see this as my world cracking open.
I am grateful for my continued spiritual openness and how this connects to my clairvoyance.
Five of Wands - Argument Card. Sexual Competition. Work interfering with relationship. Headed contest: don't settle for less. Stand my Ground.
Competition in the work area: the area I'm going into with this story consulting will be very competitive. Getting into the TV writing business is competitive. Don't be afraid of it. I have something to offer and can be successful. My need to believe in myself is stronger than ever now. I can make a career change. Compete well, but play fair. Okay. I am capable. Financially: do what I can now. I can't do it all, but soon I will be able to.
I am grateful that even though there is argument, there is reward.
I am grateful that I can do what I want to do.
I am grateful that I have everything I need.
I am grateful for self knowledge.
I am grateful for my boyfriend.
Lastly, the Death Card. Transitions. The End of a Cycle. Permanent change and transformation. I can see that already. Big time. This is a Revitalizing Force. And necessary. A time of deep transformation, inside and out. Again, let go of that self limiting belief or attitude. I like that this reading began and ended with that. Change or destruction followed by renewal. In terms of love, don't beat my head against the wall for long. If that's it, then that's it. I have to let it go if I have to. But again, don't try to control that change.
I am grateful for transitions.
I am grateful for change.
I am grateful for destruction followed by renewal.
I am grateful for Love in my life.
I am grateful for the Beginning of a New Cycle.
That's a lot to take in. I will leave it at that.
I am grateful that I am not overwhelmed and that I can just take it in.
I am grateful that this is exactly where I need to be right now and it is good.
I am grateful for the guides and mentors in my life and those angels who are helping me get where I need to go.
I have to say that the big thing I have learned in my life is patience. I am the king of impatience. A big lesson I have learned over the past three years is that I have to LET IT GO. And it seems like my IT is so many things. When I think I've let go, there are way more things to let go of. It's like when you clean out a cluttered garage or room, you start to see more and more areas that you want clean. When the room is cluttered, you can't see anything. All you can see is clutter, so you figure "might as well just put more in here." But when you start cleaning things out, it feels like there's more and more you want to get rid of. And once you get all the clutter out, then you want to clean the walls, mop the floors and dust the place. It feels like there is more and more to do so that it is clear and it sparkles.
That's what I've been doing with my life over the past three years.
And what has happened over the past several weeks, while I just close my eyes and think upon the tarot reading is remarkable. Because I didn't move boulders. I didn't pave new roads. I just thought differently. That's all.
When Susan did the reading, it felt incredibly traumatic. I think that's partially because of her interpretation. We are such close friends and she has her own wants and needs for me as someone who cares, that it became "YOU'RE LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE!!!!! WATCH OUT!!! WARNING!!! WARNING, WILL ROBINSON!!!!!"
Thank God I found another site that helped me interpret the cards in an impartial way. Because at the end of the reading, it felt like the whole reading was about my relationship and that I had to change things with that. Of course, that's my reaction to it as well. It's not just all Susan. And she was just looking out for me. One of the things I do (also indicated in the cards) is that I run around like a chicken like my head cut off and if I have a blister, I'll cut off my hand. I have a history of being very reactionary. But I just took a breath. I had to look up another interpretation because I needed to see something positive. Fortunately, I found a lot that was positive that also coincided with what Susan told me.
As the weeks went on, I kept going back to the reading because I had no idea of what anything meant. I would have no idea where to go from there. So I would just go back to the blog post every other day or every three days and just read it over. Sometimes my mind would glaze over. Sometimes something would pop out to me. But in those first two weeks or so, I just read it over and had no idea where it was all headed.
I'm realizing that if I just let life happen and I'm listening to the signs, then things will become clearer. I'm learning to do less. To not push things to happen. My cards supported that approach. One thing the cards said I heard from the beginning:
Do nothing. Be quiet. Give love to yourself.
I knew I could fulfill an assignment to do nothing and to be good to myself. I even liked the idea of this assignment, so I was sure to follow it. I started finding more and more ways to be quiet. I would sit by myself. I would just lay in bed for a few minutes after I was already awake. Or I would go to bed and lay there in silence. I drove without the radio on. I went to the spa and just laid quiet. I would find myself alone a lot.
And whenever I wanted to criticize myself, I would just stop.
A lot of what was happening in these first few weeks was what both Susan and the other interpretation warned of. There was a lot of upheaval in my relationship. But instead of throwing the baby with the bathwater, I decided to stick with it. I was also told to give love to my relationship and to stop being ambivalent. What I realized that having concerns wasn't ambivalence. But not caring was definitely ambivalence and that I couldn't make decisions about my life or move forward if I was ambivalent. So I tried to find away to be less so. I didn't know how to do that right away, but eventually I stayed quiet, did nothing and I got there. And I loved myself for keeping on it.
I started to use this blog as a way to show gratitude. So after every blog entry, I would list at least three things I was grateful for. That was my way to show love to myself and to reflect on the things about myself that I do well and I value. A big problem I had was appreciating when things are good in my life or when I do good things. I'm realizing that the more I value myself is directly related to the good that happens. I was raised to think that the harder I am on myself, the harder I will work and the better off I will be. But that's directly in opposition to productivity. As I said earlier, my assignment to do nothing, love myself and be quiet was so exciting to me that I threw myself into it. Positive reinforcement.
Then I started noticing that whenever I would read the blog post, more and more would pop out to me. I would find meaning in the message of the post. I was seeing the signs. Then things would happen to me and I would start referring back to the cards. It even helped to just read the interpretations of the cards. I wouldn't try to make heads or tails, I would just read. Again, doing as little as possible. Nothing other than reading. And the messages started falling out.
The biggest change I'm seeing now is in the first card, which represents where I am now. I got The Hanged Man. It meant that I had a negative perception of myself I needed to let go of and that's why I was confused about my new direction. Through slowly processing the messages of the cards, I can see that I am not there now. I am letting go of that perception and am less ambivalent and less fearful. I was afraid that if I started to change direction, that I wouldn't care about the things I used to care about. And that could not be further from the truth. I just have a different reaction to the things that are happening around me. I am making choices instead of letting things happen to me. Doing nothing does not mean not being proactive. Being in control also doesn't mean that things are moving in the right direction. Sometimes we fight the current. That's definitely what I had been doing.
The alternative interpretation told me that if I didn't know how to change things, that I just had to let go of control. And I have to say that helped more than anything. I have negative self-limiting beliefs that I need to let go of. That's the only way things will change. Again, it wasn't about doing anything different, but thinking of myself differently. And that meant choosing different things for myself. My friend Dave said something brilliant. He said, "Whenever you feel that feeling to judge or control yourself or someone else boil up inside of you…don't."
So now I just…
Don't
That's my cue word. And it snaps me out. Thank God for Dave.
I am grateful for Dave's precise assessment and precise solution for my control issues.
I am grateful for a safe word.
I am grateful that I listened and that I continue to listen.
The next card said I needed to take stock. This was my Atmosphere card. The atmosphere around me. It was the Seven of Discs. It warned me not to rest on my laurels. To remember past successes and to let them buoy me into current and future success. The cards said that there would be a return on my investments: of time, of money, of effort. I had invested and invested a lot in myself through writing scripts, spending time, offering advice, being a good friend and son. Now I would start to see a return in my investment.
I am grateful that the Seven of Discs is starting to show itself in my atmosphere.
I am grateful that I am not resting on my laurels.
I am grateful that there has been a big return on my investments this week, especially.
I am grateful that there is more to come.
I am grateful that I can see and feel that coming.
The next card was about the lesson of my cycle. Six of Lovers. I had a choice to make between security and risk. I need to trust my instinct and go with what feels right. Be cautious about mixing business with romance. Choose love over fear. Bring back love into my life.
I have done this. I was producing The Drummer's radio show and I have stepped back. It was not good for our relationship. I was afraid that he would think I didn't love him if I stepped back. But it was not good for us because I could not be myself as a producer and he felt like I was in the way of the environment he was creating. We were at odds and it was having a drastic effect on our relationship. The cards said to re-bond in my relationship and that is what seems to be happening. Of course, not without difficulty. But I think even the difficulty is important. And I have chosen risk financially, cashing a check that I was holding onto because it meant that was all the money I had left. And already, this week I have earned more money. I am sticking with it. Positive reinforcement.
I am grateful that I continue to engage in my relationship without trying to premeditate an outcome.
I am grateful that I stepped back from the radio show.
I am grateful that things have gotten better.
I am grateful that I have chosen risk, even when it was come to money.
I am grateful that my risks are setting me free.
The next card was the Daughter of Swords, which represents my core beliefs. The cards said that people don't take me seriously and that I need to be open to new ideas. I need to stop proving my point. That's a big one. This is directly talking about my need to say don't sometimes. I need to know when to push and when to pull back in my relationship. I need to know when to be humble in interviews without putting myself down. Spiritually, I need to open my mind even further.
Part of letting go of producing the radio show was to help me let go. We went to a music conference last month, which brought up all of my issues in a big way of trying to set a certain outcome. Those 48 hours were a big lesson in trying to just constantly let go and give up my way of doing things. Because that's almost all I did the whole time. It was just one example after another of having to say Don't and Stop. In Kabbalah, they call it hitting the pause button before reacting. I was hitting pause so much I may have broken the button. I am also starting to meditate. Or at least preparing to meditate.
I just realized something big. When the Daughter of Swords is paired with the Two of Cups, it means marriage. Because I was so obsessed with what that meant in my relationship and being confused by that, I missed something. Well, actually there's no way I would have known this until now. The cards said that if it doesn't refer to romance, it refers to work and that I might be entering a work relationship. I have a meeting with a new manager on Tuesday. And I have my work out to two new agents. So there might be something going on in that realm as well.
I am grateful I finally am pressing the pause button.
I am grateful that I starting to examine and change my core beliefs, the ones that aren't working.
I am grateful that I am learning how to push in the right way and how to pull back in the right way.
I am grateful that revelations are happening even as I'm writing this.
The next card was the Two of Cups inverted and refers to the past few weeks before the reading. The big thing was that I was playing out an old relationship in this one and that was a big problem. The big relationship I was playing out was the way I think relationships should be. I always thought someone needs to be the hard ass and push and then someone needs to be more submissive. And I have been playing the hard ass and it has been fucking up my chance for happiness.
Status update: I am working on this one big time.
The cards also said that the work on that is work that needs to be done from past lives. That's why it is such a thorn in my side.
I am grateful to not shy away from what is difficult, that is where the rewards and the lessons are.
I am grateful that I figured out the bigger picture of what the Two of Cups was about.
I am grateful that my relationship has gotten much better since I figured this out.
The next card was Priestess of Cards and referred to how I move through the world. It was also inverted. A lot of my cards were inverted because I was blocked. Really blocked. It will be interesting to see what the cards are like the next time I do a reading. On the other hand, I don't want to premeditate an outcome. Let it go.
This is a Motherhood card. Showering my creations--and therefore myself-- with love. I don't give myself credit for past accomplishments so therefore no one else will either. It starts with me. Gratitude is a way to shower myself with love and to give myself credit for my past accomplishments and current ones. It says that a dark haired lady will be important in my life. At the time, it seemed like Karen from PSU. Maybe that's still true or maybe one of these women (or both of them) I'm meeting with have dark hair.
I am grateful that I get to shower myself with love.
I am grateful that I am learning to acknowledge and celebrate my past accomplishments.
I am grateful that this is making my a happier person.
Next: the Four of Cups. And it represents the next couple weeks, which now probably represents where I am now or where I've just been.
The cards said I would be going through old emotions: ambivalence, apathy and disconnection. Oh, I was disconnecting and running away every chance right after this and for a long while. It also talked about depression being more than just a passing mood. I had to just accept that and not judge it or try to do something about it. I can say that I don't feel depressed now, but now I can see how depressed I was acting even though I was "pushing through." I need to get specific about what I want. Still working on that, even though it was recently gotten more specific. So maybe the clue is to not push. I need to take action. Well, that's happening. Talk through my issues: boy has that been happening! This is the card that told me to create a gratitude journal and I have been expressing my gratitude throughout this blog ever since. I realized that this blog operates as a life review and helps me acknowledge what is going on with me, including my accomplishments. So I figured to add deliberate thankfulness to it in bold and italics would give everything more power and more consciousness.
I am grateful that I listened and I turned this blog into my gratitude journal.
I am grateful that I have made it through the past few weeks.
I am grateful that I am getting more and more specific about what I want without pushing.
Shaman of Wands is next. How I feel about myself. Inverted.
These are the words:
Entrepreneur
Self Starter
Uses full potential
Relentless drive and energy
Self Reliant and Confident
The inversion means that I am not seeing myself this way, so therefore, no one else could see that either.
Judging from the past few weeks, this is really changing. I am flipping the card.
Entrepreneur: I am starting my own Story Consulting business.
Self Starter: Started writing this new play. Reached out to executive friends for referrals to agents and managers.
Uses Full Potential: I am starting this business, writing, connecting with my contacts, being there for my family and friends and creating the life I want through clear, focused and deliberate action as well as clear, focused and deliberate intentions.
Relentless Drive and Energy: I am working on all of the above.
Self Reliant and Confident: I am working on all of the above AND I am confident enough to tell people that I am broke and I need work. I am confident to ask for what I need and not be worried about what people think of me for asking. What a sea change. Night and Day. 180 degrees.
The other interpretation that there are helpful men in my horizon or in my vicinity or in my direct line of vision. Also, it says that joy and plenty can be strong spiritual experiences, not just denial and austerity. It says relax a little and the spiritual growth will happen faster.
I am grateful that the most frustrating card in this reading is now not inverted.
I am grateful that I am truly an Entrepreneur, a Self Starter, I use my full potential, my relentless drive and energy, and my self reliance and confidence and that others are seeing that.
I am grateful for my new client and ready for more.
I am grateful that I can see the fruits of my labors, especially this week.
I am grateful for this week.
The Seven of Wands is the Hope and Fear card. It's assertive, it is the Writer's Card and it refers to Self Employment. And that is definitely happening. Despite my Fear. And now I have Hope that this is the right move for me. As it instructed, I tied up my loose ends with the past and I'm moving on! It also says that romance is stifled. Well, I will just have to see how that plays out and not freak out about it. And I will try not to draw any conclusions or associations.
The other interpretation says that I will come out on top and that I need to feel the fear and do it anyway! It says "Don't be afraid to let people know where you stand with them." I have been doing this with the Drummer, out of love and out of my need to be clear about what I want. This card points towards independence.
There can be no courage without fear to inspire it.
Starting this Story Consulting business is a big part of this. I am really going for it. I have a friend who is setting up my website and I have been working on the content for the website all week. The more I do that the more confident I am that I know enough to do this. I face that fear that I am enough every day and each time my fingers hit the keys to explain what my packages are, how much I charge and what my philosophy is I get more and more confident. I can feel the fear melting away and the Hope rising to the surface.
Two of Wands - Home. The cards say that success is imminent. I am moving in the right direction. Again the investment in time, ideas and money will pay off. Things are about to get more equal financially and in love. Remain positive and keep my eye on the prize. I am about to fit things together in new and in unusual ways. I think that's the business.
I am grateful for my intuition.
I am grateful for my focus.
I am grateful for love in my life coming from myself and others.
Priestess of Cups - Steps Coming Up. Dreams are a vital source of information. MORE ON THAT IN THE NEXT POST. Be open to the magical energy of life and the energy of love flowing around me. A literal woman will be there to help me. Financial success and creativity are linked. I need to be in touch with my clairvoyant tendencies. As I typed that, a woman who will be my agent flashed into my head.
I am grateful for opportunity.
I am grateful to see this as my world cracking open.
I am grateful for my continued spiritual openness and how this connects to my clairvoyance.
Five of Wands - Argument Card. Sexual Competition. Work interfering with relationship. Headed contest: don't settle for less. Stand my Ground.
Competition in the work area: the area I'm going into with this story consulting will be very competitive. Getting into the TV writing business is competitive. Don't be afraid of it. I have something to offer and can be successful. My need to believe in myself is stronger than ever now. I can make a career change. Compete well, but play fair. Okay. I am capable. Financially: do what I can now. I can't do it all, but soon I will be able to.
I am grateful that even though there is argument, there is reward.
I am grateful that I can do what I want to do.
I am grateful that I have everything I need.
I am grateful for self knowledge.
I am grateful for my boyfriend.
Lastly, the Death Card. Transitions. The End of a Cycle. Permanent change and transformation. I can see that already. Big time. This is a Revitalizing Force. And necessary. A time of deep transformation, inside and out. Again, let go of that self limiting belief or attitude. I like that this reading began and ended with that. Change or destruction followed by renewal. In terms of love, don't beat my head against the wall for long. If that's it, then that's it. I have to let it go if I have to. But again, don't try to control that change.
I am grateful for transitions.
I am grateful for change.
I am grateful for destruction followed by renewal.
I am grateful for Love in my life.
I am grateful for the Beginning of a New Cycle.
That's a lot to take in. I will leave it at that.
I am grateful that I am not overwhelmed and that I can just take it in.
I am grateful that this is exactly where I need to be right now and it is good.
I am grateful for the guides and mentors in my life and those angels who are helping me get where I need to go.
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