Well, let's talk about before for a quick second. Almost six months ago I weighed around 178, my skin had a greyish tint, I was a bit puffy and my legs were out of shape from when I ran the marathon four years prior. My hair was longer. And I had a general state of melancholy. I tried to be happy, but the toll my relationship had on me was wearing me down. I lived for someone else. I went to work to a job I hated and I came home and watched reality TV. That was my only comfort. Oh, well I would eat, which is why even at 5'10", 178 pounds, which isn't overweight, I was hanging on to weight I didn't need.
Now I work out three times a week. And I have dance class twice a week. Currently, I also have dance rehearsals two days a week, so for the next two weeks, I will be dancing four days a week. When I'm not in dance rehearsals, I usually take a yoga class on Saturday mornings with my friend Nicole. I completed a 21 day cleanse and I've stopped smoking (for the most part, I'll have a quick puff here and there). I'm down to about 165-168. It's not just about the fitness, which I'm super excited about, it gives me tons of energy. It's about meeting new people and doing something I love. I also have a new job I love, where I feel a sense of purpose and a sense of movement. I'm motivated to keep moving. I don't drink coffee or soda anymore, which is crazy. I never thought I'd do that, but I love my energy level too much to go back to it.
I started this blog really for myself to just chart what was going on in my life. Often it's honest. Often it's also the mundane details of my life. But it's the every day details that eventually - six months and 163 posts later - make me look back and think that I've really accomplished something. And there's so much further to go.
I've been a gypsy for six months, moving around from place to place, subletting here and crashing there. I need to focus on a new place to live. I need to focus on the next opportunity job wise - where will this amazing opportunity take me? I need to really have a focused plan for that. And the next big thought process is about dating. From the last post, you can see that I'm starting to think about it. I hate all of my pictures right now, which is fine. I don't think my pictures are capturing the change that I feel, but that's okay too. I look at guys and I no longer think, "he's too good looking for me." Well, I might say it. But I don't really believe it. I no longer think he's too smart for me or too tall for me or too well adjusted for me. I'm still in the random hook up stage of my healing. So the guys that I'm hooking up with and meeting at the gym are hot. The guys I'm having casual encounters with are physically fantastic. Not that they all have to be. But I'm no longer shocked when a aesthetically pleasing man wants my number, my body or my cock.
I'm a sexual person, y'all. I will talk about my love of cock til the cows come home and leave again.
I'm starting to think that maybe I want to date a bit. I finally asked out Handsome Brit last week. Ask out is a strong phrase. But I said we should get a drink sometime. He's got a good smile. I ran into another guy I had a great conversation with at the spa last week. He sells cookbooks to schools. And he's got a fantastic body and a lot of interesting things to say. He's "my speed", as they say. My best friend's Mom keeps promising to set me up with a guy she's thought I should be dating for years. I'm not really going to do the online thing right now. Never say never, but I am meeting guys just out and about, and I prefer that.
All of these things are going so well that it would be hard to go back and live the life I used to live. I felt stuck for years and I didn't know what to do about it. And now I'm swinging from vine to vine and I'm excited for the next leap, even if I don't know for sure if a vine is available for me to grab onto. It always seems to be. But I'm not always sure. I keep reaching, though.
The feelings I had for my ex are changing. I can feel it. I think part of it was seeing him last week. I didn't feel like myself. It's like caffeine. For years I was convinced I needed it to go about my day. That I would be destroyed without it. Now that I've given it up, the feeling in my body every day (even when I'm tired) is so much better than what I felt drinking caffeine that it's not hard to do without it. It's the same with the ex. My daily experience of being in this body, in this mind, in this frame of mind is so much better than what my daily life was with him that it's no longer becoming a struggle. I never thought I would say that six months ago. And now I can appreciate how much I loved my caffeine and how much it did for me, but I don't need it any more. It doesn't change how great it is for some people and it doesn't change how bad it is for me now.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
On the Market
I was out and about today with my friend Steve. There's an eyeglass shop in West Hollywood where him and his boyfriend get their glasses. We were out grabbing lunch and I wanted to see if they had the glasses my ex had on when I saw him at the reception for my friend's Dad who had recently passed (read my previous blog "Waking the Dead).
After not finding the glasses, but browsing around, we asked the owner to pull out what I'll just call her "look book." It's got pictures of guys who come into her shop and their stats and what they're looking for. It's the pre-Match.com way of looking for men. Pick one out of a catalogue!
I have to say that the thought of being put on the auction block made me incredibly nervous. But what made me really nervous was having to pick the guys that I like. It made me more nervous than picking what I was looking for, which was the following:
smart, funny, athletic, outgoing, healthy sexual appetite, blonde or brunette, no smokers, drinkers okay but not drunks and no drugs, ages 28-48.
It made me incredibly nervous to have to say what I wanted. I guess I'm not ready to exactly say what I'm looking for. My friends Steve and Halle had to tell me what I wanted. I know that makes me sound incredibly passive. It just felt like I was being fed to the wolves. And the wolves, in this case, are hot, in-shape, west hollywood professionals. It gets to the core of my insecurity that I can't compete with those guys. And by the way some of these guys described themselves, they know it too. These guys all want hot guys who are smart, with hot bodies, who have money and who are hung like oxes. It really felt like they were asking for the father, the son and the holy ghost.
I don't know if I'm ready to get back into the dating scene. It just feels like a lot of work. And between my full time job, trying to finish a pilot I'm writing and this new play that I will hopefully be workshopping, making it to the gym five times a week, plus dance rehearsals twice a week for this charity event, where do I fit it all in?
But on the bright side, all of that activity will probably give me the physical appearance that might snag me one of these accomplished bachelors. We'll see.
After not finding the glasses, but browsing around, we asked the owner to pull out what I'll just call her "look book." It's got pictures of guys who come into her shop and their stats and what they're looking for. It's the pre-Match.com way of looking for men. Pick one out of a catalogue!
I have to say that the thought of being put on the auction block made me incredibly nervous. But what made me really nervous was having to pick the guys that I like. It made me more nervous than picking what I was looking for, which was the following:
smart, funny, athletic, outgoing, healthy sexual appetite, blonde or brunette, no smokers, drinkers okay but not drunks and no drugs, ages 28-48.
It made me incredibly nervous to have to say what I wanted. I guess I'm not ready to exactly say what I'm looking for. My friends Steve and Halle had to tell me what I wanted. I know that makes me sound incredibly passive. It just felt like I was being fed to the wolves. And the wolves, in this case, are hot, in-shape, west hollywood professionals. It gets to the core of my insecurity that I can't compete with those guys. And by the way some of these guys described themselves, they know it too. These guys all want hot guys who are smart, with hot bodies, who have money and who are hung like oxes. It really felt like they were asking for the father, the son and the holy ghost.
I don't know if I'm ready to get back into the dating scene. It just feels like a lot of work. And between my full time job, trying to finish a pilot I'm writing and this new play that I will hopefully be workshopping, making it to the gym five times a week, plus dance rehearsals twice a week for this charity event, where do I fit it all in?
But on the bright side, all of that activity will probably give me the physical appearance that might snag me one of these accomplished bachelors. We'll see.
Full Circle with Justin Vivian Bond
During the week, I went to go see cabaret singer (and soon-to-be legend) Mx. Justin Vivian Bond at the Redcat theatre in Los Angeles. When I lived in New York I used to go see a wicked cabaret act called Kiki and Herb. It was a rage-filled affair. But amazing in its anger. Justin played Kiki, an 80 year old washed up cabaret singer. V has since mellowed (V instead of any gender identifying pronoun)and turned into an amazing cabaret singer, called the best of a generation by The New Yorker.
Well, I wish I could have said I knew V was coming to town. But I didn't. And apparently, it was a last minute sort of booking. But I went because my best friend Alanna's mother, Sid, suggested it. She had read about V in the LA Times, suggested to Alanna that they go and then suggested that I come with. When Alanna called me and asked me if I wanted to go see Justin Bond, I screamed on the phone and said yes immediately.
It was the best $27 dollars I had spent in a while. If you want to read reviews of the show, go online. I just want to talk about the crowd for a second.
I said to Alanna that these are the artsy, cultured, moneyed gays that I want to know. These are not the gays that you see at the Abbey on a Sunday afternoon. These are the folks to go to LACMA on the weekends. These are the folks who go to the bowl to see Pink Martini and the Greek to see Rufus Wainwright or Adele. These are the descendants of the individuals who built our culture on the coattails of Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward and Tennessee Williams. These are the brilliant self-creations.
The show was amazing. Full of wit and cutting commentary. Full of the celebrity sightings that Alanna and I appreciate: Tegan from Tegan and Sara and Sandra Bernhard. This is the theatre I like to see. And as I said to Alanna afterwards, this is the experience I was cultivated to appreciate because of what her family exposed me to as a child. So to see this show with Sid was really a full circle experience. My taste and appreciation for art was shaped by hanging out in Alanna's house as a kid. It was okay to be a 16 year old who went to a screening of a film based on Sandra Bernhard's one woman show WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING. It was okay to embrace the fact that I was an artist.
And V's show reminded me so much of my time in New York. And that it shouldn't just be a nostalgic thing: when I was a young 20 something in New York and cool. But it should be a reminder to embrace myself and my voice, the individual I came into the world as. And that anyone who thinks that's strange in a judgmental way isn't someone I need to spend much time with. Sounds like an affirmation I would make as a teenager. But sometimes, even us older gals need to be reminded of that. Thanks, V.
Well, I wish I could have said I knew V was coming to town. But I didn't. And apparently, it was a last minute sort of booking. But I went because my best friend Alanna's mother, Sid, suggested it. She had read about V in the LA Times, suggested to Alanna that they go and then suggested that I come with. When Alanna called me and asked me if I wanted to go see Justin Bond, I screamed on the phone and said yes immediately.
It was the best $27 dollars I had spent in a while. If you want to read reviews of the show, go online. I just want to talk about the crowd for a second.
I said to Alanna that these are the artsy, cultured, moneyed gays that I want to know. These are not the gays that you see at the Abbey on a Sunday afternoon. These are the folks to go to LACMA on the weekends. These are the folks who go to the bowl to see Pink Martini and the Greek to see Rufus Wainwright or Adele. These are the descendants of the individuals who built our culture on the coattails of Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward and Tennessee Williams. These are the brilliant self-creations.
The show was amazing. Full of wit and cutting commentary. Full of the celebrity sightings that Alanna and I appreciate: Tegan from Tegan and Sara and Sandra Bernhard. This is the theatre I like to see. And as I said to Alanna afterwards, this is the experience I was cultivated to appreciate because of what her family exposed me to as a child. So to see this show with Sid was really a full circle experience. My taste and appreciation for art was shaped by hanging out in Alanna's house as a kid. It was okay to be a 16 year old who went to a screening of a film based on Sandra Bernhard's one woman show WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING. It was okay to embrace the fact that I was an artist.
And V's show reminded me so much of my time in New York. And that it shouldn't just be a nostalgic thing: when I was a young 20 something in New York and cool. But it should be a reminder to embrace myself and my voice, the individual I came into the world as. And that anyone who thinks that's strange in a judgmental way isn't someone I need to spend much time with. Sounds like an affirmation I would make as a teenager. But sometimes, even us older gals need to be reminded of that. Thanks, V.
Waking the Dead
I have a friend whose father passed away this week. His funeral was a couple of days ago. The family had a reception after the private service and I ran into the ex. Truthfully, I knew that he would be there. And I was determined to look good when he saw me.
Okay, so maybe the focus of the day should be on the person who has passed. Sure. But my vanity got the best of me.
I got to the reception a little late. I ran into some old friends when I walked in. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the ex. And he was looking right at me. Of course, I knew I had to make it over there eventually. But then I saw another friend and a co-worker and then I had to go talk to my friend's mother, who apparently didn't know we had broken up and had asked him how I was. Awkward. We had a big laugh about it and then I went over to talk to him.
We haven't spoken. And I guess we still haven't really spoken, since we barely said 10 words to each other that day. He had these black/dark greenish thick rimmed glasses on. I told him it was very Swifty Lazar (an old legendary Hollywood agent who used to throw a famous Oscar party at Spago). Okay, so maybe comparing him to a fat, old, dead Jewish guy wasn't the most complementary thing in the world. But they're in the same business and I thought it was a complement. He said the glasses were more "A Single Man", the movie with Colin Firth directed by Tom Ford. I thought it was impolite to argue.
And that was basically it. Other than a few obligatory, "how's the business", "how are you" questions.
This is how it felt: strange. I had been harboring all of this nostalgia for the past couple of months. And I felt like I should have felt. Like a stranger in his life. Because our lives are divergent. But at the same time I felt like I always felt. Like a stranger. Sure, we had things in common and common dreams and goals. But his were all motivated by money, status and prestige. I should say perceived status and prestige. It was important for him to tell the story of the glasses and the fact that he got the $400 "cheap" version vs. the very expensive ones made out of bone. More than anything, it just proved to me how different we are in some fundamental ways. I want money. I want to be successful as a writer and get paid for it. I'm already successful as a writer because I can write well. That's a huge thing. But to parlay that into a sustaining writing career that's also artistically fulfilling is an entirely different matter. My brother said that he shared that story to show that he can afford something that I can't. Maybe true. I took it more that he felt he needed to show off because on some level, to potential or past paramours, he thinks that's all he has to offer.
When he really has to offer a sensitive soul, a flair for the dramatic, a brain that works overtime and a silliness that can be intoxicating. Unfortunately, it's covered up by a gouche desire to overcompensate, brag, showoff and dominate every conversation. Usually fueled by booze. And a lack of introspection about it all.
I fell in love with the former and the sad truth is that the other day he wasn't interested at all in showing that part of himself, which is the most beautiful part about him.
Okay, so maybe the focus of the day should be on the person who has passed. Sure. But my vanity got the best of me.
I got to the reception a little late. I ran into some old friends when I walked in. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw the ex. And he was looking right at me. Of course, I knew I had to make it over there eventually. But then I saw another friend and a co-worker and then I had to go talk to my friend's mother, who apparently didn't know we had broken up and had asked him how I was. Awkward. We had a big laugh about it and then I went over to talk to him.
We haven't spoken. And I guess we still haven't really spoken, since we barely said 10 words to each other that day. He had these black/dark greenish thick rimmed glasses on. I told him it was very Swifty Lazar (an old legendary Hollywood agent who used to throw a famous Oscar party at Spago). Okay, so maybe comparing him to a fat, old, dead Jewish guy wasn't the most complementary thing in the world. But they're in the same business and I thought it was a complement. He said the glasses were more "A Single Man", the movie with Colin Firth directed by Tom Ford. I thought it was impolite to argue.
And that was basically it. Other than a few obligatory, "how's the business", "how are you" questions.
This is how it felt: strange. I had been harboring all of this nostalgia for the past couple of months. And I felt like I should have felt. Like a stranger in his life. Because our lives are divergent. But at the same time I felt like I always felt. Like a stranger. Sure, we had things in common and common dreams and goals. But his were all motivated by money, status and prestige. I should say perceived status and prestige. It was important for him to tell the story of the glasses and the fact that he got the $400 "cheap" version vs. the very expensive ones made out of bone. More than anything, it just proved to me how different we are in some fundamental ways. I want money. I want to be successful as a writer and get paid for it. I'm already successful as a writer because I can write well. That's a huge thing. But to parlay that into a sustaining writing career that's also artistically fulfilling is an entirely different matter. My brother said that he shared that story to show that he can afford something that I can't. Maybe true. I took it more that he felt he needed to show off because on some level, to potential or past paramours, he thinks that's all he has to offer.
When he really has to offer a sensitive soul, a flair for the dramatic, a brain that works overtime and a silliness that can be intoxicating. Unfortunately, it's covered up by a gouche desire to overcompensate, brag, showoff and dominate every conversation. Usually fueled by booze. And a lack of introspection about it all.
I fell in love with the former and the sad truth is that the other day he wasn't interested at all in showing that part of himself, which is the most beautiful part about him.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Stretched Out
When I was in college, the most productive trimester I had was when I had a full course load, dance rehearsals, rehearsals for a play I was in and rehearsals for a play that I wrote. I'm older now, but I'm going to put the theory to the test that the busier I am, the most productive I'll be.
My eyes want to close, but I've got dance rehearsal in a little over an hour. I'm doing this hip hop performance with my dance class from the gym. I'm going to have to see how this goes because right now I just want to crawl into bed. Part of the reason I agreed to do this performance was because I miss dancing. Dancing was always a great part of my routine when I was in college. And I feel truly like when I'm dancing, I'm expressing an important part of me. It's freedom.
It's also exercise and great cardio. I have this not so secret desire to slim down a bit. It'll be my first summer back at the beach. I didn't go to the beach (except for vacations) the entire time I was with my ex. It's important for me to feel like I can have fun and splash around in the water. He didn't feel great about his body, so it was hard for him to be at the beach and I had to suffer for it. He's also lily white and I'm Mowgli from the Jungle book. I love the sun.
I definitely feel like this might be taking on too much. Work has gotten crazy. I'm reading scripts and planning out a show with my bosses. If it doesn't feel right after tonight, I'm probably going to drop out because I won't get home until 11 and then I have to wake up to do it all over again at 6 AM. I'm dancing 4 days a week and working out 3 days a week. Two of those days are dance and workout days.
Is a hot body worth it? I don't know. It's definitely testing my theory of why I've never had the hottie hot hot hot body. I just look cute and am naturally slender. For me, it all seemed to unattainable. Some of it felt like I didn't need to have the abs and the pecs and the arms. Part of it was feeling undeserving. And then part of it was just the sheer amount of work. I want it all. I want to be exhausted at the end of the day because I put my mind and body to the edge. I want to test my limits and then fly past them.
Maybe the next step in this revolution of my body and soul is this hip hop dance rehearsal. Then eating better, which I started with my cleanse. Then getting tons of rest. Then finishing all of this writing. It's funny because now that I'm doing THIS writing and putting my thoughts into words, I feel energy. I feel capable. I've already made so many choices in my life over the past five months that have made it better. And this one will take it to the next level. I love to dance. I'm an accomplished person in many areas. But sometimes I feel like what I really am at my core is a frustrated dancer.
So I'm going to get up, dance, shake it and do my thing.
My eyes want to close, but I've got dance rehearsal in a little over an hour. I'm doing this hip hop performance with my dance class from the gym. I'm going to have to see how this goes because right now I just want to crawl into bed. Part of the reason I agreed to do this performance was because I miss dancing. Dancing was always a great part of my routine when I was in college. And I feel truly like when I'm dancing, I'm expressing an important part of me. It's freedom.
It's also exercise and great cardio. I have this not so secret desire to slim down a bit. It'll be my first summer back at the beach. I didn't go to the beach (except for vacations) the entire time I was with my ex. It's important for me to feel like I can have fun and splash around in the water. He didn't feel great about his body, so it was hard for him to be at the beach and I had to suffer for it. He's also lily white and I'm Mowgli from the Jungle book. I love the sun.
I definitely feel like this might be taking on too much. Work has gotten crazy. I'm reading scripts and planning out a show with my bosses. If it doesn't feel right after tonight, I'm probably going to drop out because I won't get home until 11 and then I have to wake up to do it all over again at 6 AM. I'm dancing 4 days a week and working out 3 days a week. Two of those days are dance and workout days.
Is a hot body worth it? I don't know. It's definitely testing my theory of why I've never had the hottie hot hot hot body. I just look cute and am naturally slender. For me, it all seemed to unattainable. Some of it felt like I didn't need to have the abs and the pecs and the arms. Part of it was feeling undeserving. And then part of it was just the sheer amount of work. I want it all. I want to be exhausted at the end of the day because I put my mind and body to the edge. I want to test my limits and then fly past them.
Maybe the next step in this revolution of my body and soul is this hip hop dance rehearsal. Then eating better, which I started with my cleanse. Then getting tons of rest. Then finishing all of this writing. It's funny because now that I'm doing THIS writing and putting my thoughts into words, I feel energy. I feel capable. I've already made so many choices in my life over the past five months that have made it better. And this one will take it to the next level. I love to dance. I'm an accomplished person in many areas. But sometimes I feel like what I really am at my core is a frustrated dancer.
So I'm going to get up, dance, shake it and do my thing.
Friday, April 8, 2011
A Place of Bed
I am in my bed, typing these words out before I go to bed, shut my eyes and stay silent for 8 hours. Nothing feels better than my bed right now. I could be other places:
DANCE BITCH - my favorite dance night in LA at the Fubar. I could be dancing with my favorite tranny DJ and hot young horny men. I could run into my ex, like I did several months ago at Dance Bitch. But I'm happy to be here.
FUZZY - I've never been to this monthly party, but it sounds like fun. Unfortunately, my covers feel better than Fuzzy sounds. Maybe next month.
I'm feeling increasingly old. But I had a long week. A great week at work, but my brain needs to shut down. And it doesn't need booze to slow it down. I don't want to be in recovery this weekend. I just want to sleep, wake up, make breakfast, get to writing, maybe work out a bit, go grocery shopping at the Korean market, make lunch, maybe take my car in for regular maintenance. That's all I want to do. I'm tired of all of the other bullshit.
I had that life. The going out. The celebrity sightings. The impressive restaurants and the getting dressed for dinner. I've had enough of that. Now I'm in a place of bed. Rest. Fuel for the next day. Good night, everybody.
DANCE BITCH - my favorite dance night in LA at the Fubar. I could be dancing with my favorite tranny DJ and hot young horny men. I could run into my ex, like I did several months ago at Dance Bitch. But I'm happy to be here.
FUZZY - I've never been to this monthly party, but it sounds like fun. Unfortunately, my covers feel better than Fuzzy sounds. Maybe next month.
I'm feeling increasingly old. But I had a long week. A great week at work, but my brain needs to shut down. And it doesn't need booze to slow it down. I don't want to be in recovery this weekend. I just want to sleep, wake up, make breakfast, get to writing, maybe work out a bit, go grocery shopping at the Korean market, make lunch, maybe take my car in for regular maintenance. That's all I want to do. I'm tired of all of the other bullshit.
I had that life. The going out. The celebrity sightings. The impressive restaurants and the getting dressed for dinner. I've had enough of that. Now I'm in a place of bed. Rest. Fuel for the next day. Good night, everybody.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A Place of Bethenny Frankel
I have to say that I am a huge Bethenny Frankel fan. I remember her back in the day from Martha Stewart Apprentice. And she's always been the scrappy one I've appreciated in the Real Housewives of New York. I watched Bethenny's Getting Married? And I am hooked on Bethenny Ever After. When she cries, I cry.
She just celebrated her 40th Birthday on the show and had a dramatic breakdown, of which I haven't watched yet. I only saw everything up to the breakdown, but I had to leave for my hip hop class (thank God for Bravo East Coast feed in my office). I watch her and Jason and somehow feel a longing for my last relationship. I'm trying to pull it together in my life as well and while I was kind of the Jason in the relationship, what I really am is a Bethenny. I wouldn't have minded being Jason some of the time and Bethenny some of the time, if we both could flip flop. I had always imagined being there for my ex's 40th, which is coming up in a couple of months. And when I saw the love that Jason had for Bethenny and how badly he wanted to make something great for her, I cried. My ex comes from a very Hoppy like family, with its passive aggressive, well meaning Irish Catholicness. And watching them brings it all back. And when she was trying to communicate something to him, but wasn't being heard, I cried as well. I get that place.
And speaking of "places"...
I haven't gotten the new book yet, but I found the ten rules on line and I thought I'd look at the chapter titles and see what rings true. I'm using these as affirmations first:
1. Break the Chain. This has a lot to do with family and your past. Let it go.
I've been working on this for a while. I think when I moved back to LA, it was to deal with a lot of the past. The relationship with the ex was about that too. I realized after the break up how much I mirrored my parents relationship in my relationship with him. And now that I've moved on past that, a lot of the changes in behavior I'm having is about breaking the chain. Not doing what my mother has done in her relationship with my father and just settling for what I think life has handed me. But changing the variables, as a friend of mine said to me the other night. If something isn't working, change the approach or the mental dialogue you're having with yourself.
2. Find Your Truth. What do you want from life. What works for you i.e. not trying to please others.
The not trying to please others thing is hard because I want to be liked. And I've often not spoken up because I wanted to be liked. I'm running a different dialogue both at work and in my personal life. And it does come down to that question of "what do you want from life?" If you don't know you're truth, you can't know what direction you're headed in and you can't SET that direction for yourself.
3. Act On It. Make things happen. Use your instincts.
I have great instincts and when I've used them, I've done well. But when I haven't, disaster. And a lot of that comes from knowing what you want from life and finding what works for you. Then acting on it. I know what I'm capable of and sometimes that agenda doesn't have to be broadcast. You don't need that affirmation. Know what works, act on it and then the results will come. You don't need an audience to repeat back to you that what you're doing is the right thing. You need to know within yourself. When people say, "you are enough," this is what they mean.
4. Everything's Your Business. Remain open to all learning, experiences and opportunities. You never know.
I'm experiencing that with my current job. Everything I'm learning goes back to the goal I have for myself to write and produce television. If you practice daily, eventually you will get there. And by practice, I don't mean "practicing" versus "doing", I mean the daily art of putting knowledge to action. A practice like a yoga practice. Eventually, you will be come a knowing person, an expert. This relates back to a great piece of advice I got years ago from a playwriting professor. He said that everything should be writing. Doing the laundry, grocery shopping, homework, exercise, thinking, writing is all writing. If you are processing a thought or observing behavior or actually writing, it all becomes writing. Once everything is going in the same direction, towards the same objective, then you have focus. And the other part of that is that you never know where your next opportunity is coming from, so take it seriously.
5. All roads lead to Rome. You will get there if you are focused.
This is the same thing I was just saying. The focus will put you on the road to Rome, no matter how you get there. You know where you are going, so even if it seems like a side track or a back road, you are getting there.
6. Go For Yours. Clarify your goals and go for them.
Writing things down. Processing things. Writing a blog about the process of coming back to yourself and not forgetting to state your goals out loud and in writing. Make it tangible and real. That's hard to do if you don't think you deserve it.
7. Separate From the Pack. To find your calling, sometimes you have to step out and away from the crowd.
I've always been an outsider. I've deceived myself into thinking I could be inside and go with the pack. But when I've done that, I've slowed down. So I'm separating again. Sometimes you need reminders, but you know what you should be doing. This is another one that seems to speak to where I am right now. I am not in a relationship. I'm not seeking that out. I have created a role for myself at work and that is my role. I don't need to question it or get affirmation that that's okay to do. This is also what people mean when they say: "It's better to apologize than to ask for permission."
8. Own It. Hold to your principles. Keep your word. You did it. It was hard. Stick to the truth.
Own what you do. Bethenny says this a lot. If you did it, own up to it. If you believe in what you did and why you did it, there shouldn't be a problem. I'm definitely working on this one. You have to be secure in what you stand for before you can own it. But the things I am owning are who I am and how I look. I am in control of how others perceive me and that I have to own. The first impression is very telling in what you own and what you don't own.
9. Come Together. Life is about connection. Be out there and part of the world.
The coming together will come together once my life is about more than just work. I can still come together with friends, to whom I need to reconnect with. But you can't be inspired or be excited without connection. Love might not be the top priority for me right now. But openness is always priority. And if I'm open, then I never feel like my life is all about one thing. If it's all about one thing: one person, one goal, one viewpoint, then you can't be surprised and you can't grow. It's not about having blinders on. And it's not about fear, which is why we often have blinders on.
10. Celebrate! Celebrate life. Seek happiness.
I'm learning to celebrate more. That's a hard one. I was raised in a household where it wasn't okay to celebrate until...well, actually EVER. It was never okay to celebrate because that would make you lazy. Celebrating would mean that you were settling. The finish line. What wasn't clear to me is that there are many finish lines. And many races. I can still reach the finish line and then next time reach the finish line stronger, more focused, with less pain, faster, and maybe next time alone or with someone I care about. And celebration doesn't mean distraction, it means true acknowledgment of what is good about life and letting those around you know how much you celebrate them. I'm looking forward to that one.
Well, I've learned a lot. I'm still learning and these principles, in addition to other principles I've learned throughout my life thus far, are important to touch base with from time to time. Whether it's a "Place of Yes" or the "Precious Present" or "Blinking" or "being in the moment", all of these truths are important to touch base with, not to necessarily learn because once you start hearing this knowledge, you realize it was in you all along. And you just needed a spotlight to shine focus on it.
She just celebrated her 40th Birthday on the show and had a dramatic breakdown, of which I haven't watched yet. I only saw everything up to the breakdown, but I had to leave for my hip hop class (thank God for Bravo East Coast feed in my office). I watch her and Jason and somehow feel a longing for my last relationship. I'm trying to pull it together in my life as well and while I was kind of the Jason in the relationship, what I really am is a Bethenny. I wouldn't have minded being Jason some of the time and Bethenny some of the time, if we both could flip flop. I had always imagined being there for my ex's 40th, which is coming up in a couple of months. And when I saw the love that Jason had for Bethenny and how badly he wanted to make something great for her, I cried. My ex comes from a very Hoppy like family, with its passive aggressive, well meaning Irish Catholicness. And watching them brings it all back. And when she was trying to communicate something to him, but wasn't being heard, I cried as well. I get that place.
And speaking of "places"...
I haven't gotten the new book yet, but I found the ten rules on line and I thought I'd look at the chapter titles and see what rings true. I'm using these as affirmations first:
1. Break the Chain. This has a lot to do with family and your past. Let it go.
I've been working on this for a while. I think when I moved back to LA, it was to deal with a lot of the past. The relationship with the ex was about that too. I realized after the break up how much I mirrored my parents relationship in my relationship with him. And now that I've moved on past that, a lot of the changes in behavior I'm having is about breaking the chain. Not doing what my mother has done in her relationship with my father and just settling for what I think life has handed me. But changing the variables, as a friend of mine said to me the other night. If something isn't working, change the approach or the mental dialogue you're having with yourself.
2. Find Your Truth. What do you want from life. What works for you i.e. not trying to please others.
The not trying to please others thing is hard because I want to be liked. And I've often not spoken up because I wanted to be liked. I'm running a different dialogue both at work and in my personal life. And it does come down to that question of "what do you want from life?" If you don't know you're truth, you can't know what direction you're headed in and you can't SET that direction for yourself.
3. Act On It. Make things happen. Use your instincts.
I have great instincts and when I've used them, I've done well. But when I haven't, disaster. And a lot of that comes from knowing what you want from life and finding what works for you. Then acting on it. I know what I'm capable of and sometimes that agenda doesn't have to be broadcast. You don't need that affirmation. Know what works, act on it and then the results will come. You don't need an audience to repeat back to you that what you're doing is the right thing. You need to know within yourself. When people say, "you are enough," this is what they mean.
4. Everything's Your Business. Remain open to all learning, experiences and opportunities. You never know.
I'm experiencing that with my current job. Everything I'm learning goes back to the goal I have for myself to write and produce television. If you practice daily, eventually you will get there. And by practice, I don't mean "practicing" versus "doing", I mean the daily art of putting knowledge to action. A practice like a yoga practice. Eventually, you will be come a knowing person, an expert. This relates back to a great piece of advice I got years ago from a playwriting professor. He said that everything should be writing. Doing the laundry, grocery shopping, homework, exercise, thinking, writing is all writing. If you are processing a thought or observing behavior or actually writing, it all becomes writing. Once everything is going in the same direction, towards the same objective, then you have focus. And the other part of that is that you never know where your next opportunity is coming from, so take it seriously.
5. All roads lead to Rome. You will get there if you are focused.
This is the same thing I was just saying. The focus will put you on the road to Rome, no matter how you get there. You know where you are going, so even if it seems like a side track or a back road, you are getting there.
6. Go For Yours. Clarify your goals and go for them.
Writing things down. Processing things. Writing a blog about the process of coming back to yourself and not forgetting to state your goals out loud and in writing. Make it tangible and real. That's hard to do if you don't think you deserve it.
7. Separate From the Pack. To find your calling, sometimes you have to step out and away from the crowd.
I've always been an outsider. I've deceived myself into thinking I could be inside and go with the pack. But when I've done that, I've slowed down. So I'm separating again. Sometimes you need reminders, but you know what you should be doing. This is another one that seems to speak to where I am right now. I am not in a relationship. I'm not seeking that out. I have created a role for myself at work and that is my role. I don't need to question it or get affirmation that that's okay to do. This is also what people mean when they say: "It's better to apologize than to ask for permission."
8. Own It. Hold to your principles. Keep your word. You did it. It was hard. Stick to the truth.
Own what you do. Bethenny says this a lot. If you did it, own up to it. If you believe in what you did and why you did it, there shouldn't be a problem. I'm definitely working on this one. You have to be secure in what you stand for before you can own it. But the things I am owning are who I am and how I look. I am in control of how others perceive me and that I have to own. The first impression is very telling in what you own and what you don't own.
9. Come Together. Life is about connection. Be out there and part of the world.
The coming together will come together once my life is about more than just work. I can still come together with friends, to whom I need to reconnect with. But you can't be inspired or be excited without connection. Love might not be the top priority for me right now. But openness is always priority. And if I'm open, then I never feel like my life is all about one thing. If it's all about one thing: one person, one goal, one viewpoint, then you can't be surprised and you can't grow. It's not about having blinders on. And it's not about fear, which is why we often have blinders on.
10. Celebrate! Celebrate life. Seek happiness.
I'm learning to celebrate more. That's a hard one. I was raised in a household where it wasn't okay to celebrate until...well, actually EVER. It was never okay to celebrate because that would make you lazy. Celebrating would mean that you were settling. The finish line. What wasn't clear to me is that there are many finish lines. And many races. I can still reach the finish line and then next time reach the finish line stronger, more focused, with less pain, faster, and maybe next time alone or with someone I care about. And celebration doesn't mean distraction, it means true acknowledgment of what is good about life and letting those around you know how much you celebrate them. I'm looking forward to that one.
Well, I've learned a lot. I'm still learning and these principles, in addition to other principles I've learned throughout my life thus far, are important to touch base with from time to time. Whether it's a "Place of Yes" or the "Precious Present" or "Blinking" or "being in the moment", all of these truths are important to touch base with, not to necessarily learn because once you start hearing this knowledge, you realize it was in you all along. And you just needed a spotlight to shine focus on it.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Who Am I Becoming?
I'm home on a Friday night. Left the office at 7:30. Woke up at 6:15 so I could be at the gym by 7 (didn't run into Handsome Brit today), then in the office by 8:30. Who the hell am I? And I've been up watching WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE on NBC and SEX AND THE CITY DVDs waiting for 10 PM to come so I could go to bed.
I'm becoming an old person in a rut.
When I was in a relationship, we used to have these younger friends in their 20s who would go out all of the time and complain about how they weren't meeting the right guys. I remember thinking how lucky I was that when I was young and their age, I was in New York, having actual fun. Having actual anonymous sex. Having actual interesting moments that I would look back on instead of being stuck in a crowded dive bar called the Motherlode.
I gave a guy a blow job in front of my boyfriend in broad daylight at a lounge. That's the kind of fun person I was. And now here I am on a Friday night at home blogging and waiting to go to bed.
I would like to shake things up without necessarily trying to be that young kid again, at this age, it's borderline inappropriate. Although I have seen men in their 40s and 50s who have done the same thing.
I don't know those boys any more who used to hang out with my ex and I at our house and drink our booze. I think my ex still sees them. Maybe he's even dating one of them. My ex liked being a bit of a mentor to them. I didn't think I was old enough to be a mentor or even wanted to be. We'd take them out to brunch and throw parties for them, like we were past our prime.
I'd like to think that I'm just hibernating instead of being put out to pasture. That I'm just gearing up for my second wind to kick in. And what will that look like?
I'm back to feeling like I did when I moved back to LA. I don't want to meet anyone. I'm not going to find anyone very interesting. Well, I'm certainly not hanging out at the bars.
My ex saw me laughing and having a grand old time out at the boulevard last Sunday. Telling stories and having a great moment, not even noticing that he was watching me. Like I didn't have a care in the world.
Now if I could actually BE that guy...
I'm becoming an old person in a rut.
When I was in a relationship, we used to have these younger friends in their 20s who would go out all of the time and complain about how they weren't meeting the right guys. I remember thinking how lucky I was that when I was young and their age, I was in New York, having actual fun. Having actual anonymous sex. Having actual interesting moments that I would look back on instead of being stuck in a crowded dive bar called the Motherlode.
I gave a guy a blow job in front of my boyfriend in broad daylight at a lounge. That's the kind of fun person I was. And now here I am on a Friday night at home blogging and waiting to go to bed.
I would like to shake things up without necessarily trying to be that young kid again, at this age, it's borderline inappropriate. Although I have seen men in their 40s and 50s who have done the same thing.
I don't know those boys any more who used to hang out with my ex and I at our house and drink our booze. I think my ex still sees them. Maybe he's even dating one of them. My ex liked being a bit of a mentor to them. I didn't think I was old enough to be a mentor or even wanted to be. We'd take them out to brunch and throw parties for them, like we were past our prime.
I'd like to think that I'm just hibernating instead of being put out to pasture. That I'm just gearing up for my second wind to kick in. And what will that look like?
I'm back to feeling like I did when I moved back to LA. I don't want to meet anyone. I'm not going to find anyone very interesting. Well, I'm certainly not hanging out at the bars.
My ex saw me laughing and having a grand old time out at the boulevard last Sunday. Telling stories and having a great moment, not even noticing that he was watching me. Like I didn't have a care in the world.
Now if I could actually BE that guy...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)