Just When You Think You've Conquered Something...

Last night I almost broke up with my boyfriend.

Things had been rough for awhile and we weren't really connecting. We weren't talking much. We weren't having sex. We were two separate people occupying the same space. And he had brought this up a lot. I felt like things could get better. But I didn't know how to make them better. There was a lot of talk about what we didn't have in common, which isn't something that ever bothered me. But we weren't sharing time together and when we were together we had nothing to relate to each other about.

But neither one of us knew how to get out of it.

Then yesterday things exploded. I had met him out at a sports bar to watch the Packers play and immediately I had bad energy. I didn't want to be there. I didn't feel comfortable. I had visible distain for the whole situation. And he knew it.

So when he got home, we had a conversation. We had many conversations dancing around the topic of us not connecting, but every time he had said that he didn't want to break up and that it wasn't about us breaking up. I felt relieved to hear that, but I also felt like that might not be true. What we were going through felt serious and I felt like he wasn't acknowledging it. Then he said, "We might not be the right fit."

There it was. The thing that I had been afraid of. The thought that was lingering in the air. My first thought was I knew it! Then I wondered if this was truly where we were. Was this the break up conversation? We both agreed that there didn't seem to be any way out. We both felt like we had tried and had once been connected. I felt like he had thrown his hands in the air and given up. Then I said something I hadn't expected to say.

I told him that I still resented him for not being there when my Dad died. I didn't feel supported. And because of things in his personal history, I never pushed it. I just assumed that him not being there for me was just something I would have to deal with. Besides, I had friends who were supportive. I was able to get support from other places. So I did what I try not to do--I pushed my feelings down, didn't acknowledge them and kept moving forward with my process of mourning. I didn't notice it right away because I had plenty of people in my life who had lost parents. I had my mother and my brother. I had other friends who were there for me.

After I told him that, we continued to talk about other things. What would we do now? Then he had to go teach a few music lessons and I decided to go visit my friends Susan and Clayton. We had dinner together where we talked about it. Susan told me to be patient. They both acknowledged that I should have someone in my life who supports me. I didn't know if this was it for us. When I broke up with the Ex, I had said that I wanted someone who was kind.  I needed to bring kindness into my life. And the Drummer had done that. Maybe that's all he came to do. And now that he brought kindness into my life, maybe that was it. The relationship had run its course.

As I left Susan and Clayton's I got a call from the Drummer. He was going to hit a few balls at the driving range before coming home to clear his head. I got home and ate something. I had just had dinner, but I felt like I needed to eat something. Then he came home. He wasn't feeling good. He was sick to his stomach. The revelation that I resented him for not being there for me hit him hard. He felt disappointed. He felt like he had failed me. I told him I never brought it up in any real way because he has some pain around family issues and I didn't want to disrespect him by asking for support. He had legitimate pain and I had legitimate pain and I didn't want to fight over whose pain was the deepest. He told me that it all made sense now. Knowing that I had resentment around how supportive he could be for me explained everything. He had losses he didn't think it was important to acknowledge. He also didn't remember saying the things I told him he said. I assured him that he said them and that they had a bigger impact than he realized.

Something broke. Something was shaken. The walls had been lifted or broken through. We suddenly had a place of understanding that we didn't have before. Then he asked me to hold him. And as I held him and rubbed his back, it felt closer than it had felt in a long time. It felt real. We both felt the love between us that had been missing. And we both acknowledged that we missed it.

I seriously thought it was over last night. I had prepared myself for it. I was scared. We both were.

And where do we go from here? How do we keep things from falling backwards? I think we keep talking. We have achieved a level of openness that we really didn't have before. I told him that I wanted to tell him how I felt now instead of six months after our break up, when we would have that "catch up" conversation where we could really be honest with each other with some distance from the relationship. I wanted to tell him now, so that at least he would know what was going on with me. And it was the thing that saved our relationship. As scary as that was to say, it saved us.

I am grateful for honesty.
I am grateful for an open minded and open hearted partner in life.
I am grateful to conquer fear.
I am grateful for the things that scare me.
I am grateful for the opportunity for renewal.

Meditation: Coming Out of the Closet

I'm into my meditation practice lately.  I have noticed how it has made small shifts in my consciousness and has allowed me to just let thoughts pass instead of being stuck in them.  I think it has given me my abundant productivity lately. I think it has helped me reduce my anxiety. I think it has allowed me to just be in the moment as much as possible and to focus on what is there versus what is not there.

Last night, I was at my best friend's birthday dinner and I was talking to her sister, who casually mentioned that she had been meditating. Not that I should judge a book by its cover, but it was surprising to me that she meditated. And it's not because she's not the spiritual type. Or because she seems a certain way to me. It's mainly because we've never had those conversations before.

And I realized that there are probably a lot of people in my life who I don't have the meditation conversation with. And the meditation conversation isn't just about meditation, it's about the things that occur to us as a result of meditation. It's about letting thoughts pass by. It's about shedding negativity. It's about living in an ultra sensitive space when it comes to recognizing the things that are blockages.

Right now in my life, I feel there are a category of people in my life who are on their way out. It's not that they're bad people. It's not that they've necessarily done something horrible to me. But it's just that our frequencies aren't matching up right now. Their rhythm is not my rhythm.  A lot of it does have to do with an overruling negative outlook.  And that outlook doesn't necessarily look like negativity.  Much like Resistance doesn't always look like Resistance, it looks like Reluctance or Rationalization. I want to surround myself with energy that reflects where I am at right now: relentless, purposeful, excited, buoyant, loving, kind. I want people who are writing five or six scripts a year so my life is reflected. I want people in my life who are constantly asking questions, constantly reading books, constantly making themselves excited, constantly full of wonder.

When I was with the ex, I think it was incredibly telling that I left that relationship without a lot of friends because his friends became my friends. Then I built certain things back up in my life and now I have a community of artists around me who I respect.  But I'm working really hard and I want to be around people who match that level, because I need to be pushed. Not always the one pushing.

I think "cleaning house" a bit is allowing me to bring that energy into my life. It is a bit of an upgrade. I'm ready to ascend to the next level. And the friends who are growing and evolving alongside me will be there. And the ones who aren't won't be there.

It's incredible to me the difference that meditation is making in my life. It's not a series of earthquakes, but a series of tremors that eventually shift the ground.

I am grateful for constant change.
I am grateful for comrades in meditation.
I am grateful for true friendship.
I am grateful for unconditional love.
I am grateful for unconditional wisdom.