Full Circle II

So Halloween happened. I had so much anticipation for it. But The Drummer and I dressed up as a Cowboy and Indian, along with my best friend Steve, who was also an Indian.

After everything that went through my mind the day before, I had let everything go. I was ready to have a wonderful night, without commemorating anything that happened last year. I wanted to have a good time, but the specter of gloom that had hung over my Halloween the previous year was gone. I had let him go listening to "If I was Your Woman" by Gladys Knight in The Drummer's car the night before.

So Halloween was just about joy. We got to Steve and Vic's house and had some drinks. Steve put me to work and had me make the fringe for my booty shorts that I would be wearing. And I had to do the fringe on my tank top. We had bought our headdresses a couple of nights before and we were ready to jam.

We got dressed and out the door. When we got to West Hollywood, Vic had dropped us off on our old street. Steve, Vic and I were neighbors together in West Hollywood. So they saw everything that happened with me and my ex. They saw what I endured and sometimes heard a lot more than I wanted them to. So the three of us--Steve, The Drummer and myself--walked down the street up to Santa Monica Boulevard. But on the way, we passed Steve's old place. And then my old place, where my Ex still lives. I heard my dogs bark. Maybe they knew it was me, maybe they didn't. But I kept moving, like I had 365 days prior. And then it was done.

We got to the boulevard and it was madness and mayhem. We posed with a bunch of other cowboys and indians. We laughed at some of the crazy costumes and then we made our way to our friend Linda's party that she was hosting at a nearby bar. Well...nearby is a relative term because it probably took us an hour to walk there in what would normally take 15 minutes. So we walked and got to the party.

Our friend DJ Ivy was DJing and we went and got drinks. I smiled because I was having a great time with the Drummer and with my friend Steve. We had gone to the bar to get another round of drinks and Steve surprised us with shots. Steve said, "I love you" to me. And I said, "I love you" back.

And then I turned to The Drummer and said, "I love you." Uh...oops? Wait, did I just tell The Drummer that I loved him? Shit! I was going to save that for 11/11/11 because 11 is his lucky number and it's the date of our fourth month anniversary. Crap! But instead of saying all of that, I just downed my shot.

And then I smiled at him and said over all of the loud music, "I just told you I love you."

And he turned to me and said, "I love you." He had been waiting to say it. And I had been waiting to say it too. We both had known it for a while, but it wasn't until that moment when my guard was down that I just let it out.

And I was so glad because I love him. I didn't intend it to be on Halloween. But because I had already let go of the significance I had given that day, it was okay. That day was the day we told each other that we loved each other and that's all it would ever be.

Full Circle

Well, it's Halloween.

Halloween was the day it all fell apart in my relationship last year. I had my sort of melancholy day of rememberance yesterday...and today, I'm excited. I just woke up next to a man that I care a great deal for. We slept in each other's arms all night. He tells me exactly what's on his mind. He's got a hot body and we have ridiculous sex...often.

What a difference a year makes.

We're going to the Halloween Parade in WeHo tonight as a Cowboy and Indian...with other friends who are going to be cowboys and indians. I actually might run into the Ex...but I don't seem to care. We might actually run into the friends who The Drummer and I share in common, but don't know that we're dating. That's fine. I'm ready to take my relationship onto the streets of West Hollywood.

I want Halloween to be a time of fun and silliness and not just the anniversary of the day I decided my relationship was over. And I think it will be.

Yesterday, the Drummer and I hung out in Venice. It was a beautiful day and we found great parking, which for me is kind of like finding a pot of gold. Then we walked down to the beach and ran into my friend Callie. When I went to introduce The Drummer, it turns out that he knows Callie as well. What? That's wackadoodle! So we joined Callie and her friends for lunch. That was fun.

Then we parted ways and decided to rent a tandem bike. At first, I was hesitant. I thought it might be cheesy or difficult to maneuver. But the Drummer pressed on. He wanted to do it and I didn't want to be a Debby Downer. So we rented the bike and got on. And instantly...I was like, "Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!" It was awesome! I felt like I was twelve years old and I was riding on the back of the bike of the boy I like. It felt liberating. I don't know...it was this weird moment of feeling like I guess most people feel when they're doing something with their heterosexual partners. We were both pedaling fast and jamming down the beach. I guess that's what happens when you've got two fit people cycling down. It just felt like I was riding with my man. It was silly and great simple fun. I'm glad I got out of my own head and just went with it.

Then The Drummer suggested we drive out to the high desert. And I just say "Okay." I mean, the day is going well so far, why get in the way with my opinion, right? So one of the first stops we make is at this General Store called Charlie's near Palmdale. It's like a candy and food emporium. So while we're picking some snacks to for the road, I hear something on the sound system. I gasp. Then I call The Drummer over. One of my favorite songs, "I Love Everything About You" by Stevie Wonder is on. I think it's from InnerVisions, but it's a more obscure song. It's no "Superstition" or "Do I Do." But it's my FAVE. And just how I was feeling that day, it just was the perfect thing. I made him listen to it. That's definitely how I'm feeling, but I haven't said it yet. And I actually even said as much a few weeks ago. I said, "I love just everything about you." I didn't remember that until now. It's as close as I've gotten to saying those actual three words, even though they seem to be on the tip of my tongue all of the time.

We get a couple of milk shakes, Boysenberry and Date, respectively, and hit the road. We keep stopping our conversation to point out the mountains and the gorgeous pinks, blues, reds and oranges that are a part of the sunset. It's breathtaking. Then "Sweet Inspiration" by the Sweet Inspirations comes on the radio. We're listening to Sirius XM's Soul Town. That happens to be one of my faves as well. Actually, the Barbra Streisand version that she performed on "Barbra Streisand and Other Musical Instruments." I saw it years ago at the Museum of TV and Radio in NYC. I'm not old enough to remember it myself. But it was terrific. And it's also on her Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 AND on the A Happening in Central Park album. She merges it with "Where You Lead" by Carole King. And that's kind of how I felt earlier in that day. I would go where he leads.

And right after that, Gladys Knight and the Pips' "If I Was Your Woman" comes on. There's nothing like Gladys Knight and the Pips. "Neither One Of Us" is one of my faves as well. So I felt like the soul singers of yesteryear were looking over us and providing a bit of a soundtrack. And it was the perfect way to spend the day with my sweetheart, on the eve of the anniversary of the day I walked out from my past relationship. It was a hearty reminder that things have indeed gotten better in a year's time. And that they were only going to improve.

It's because I don't feel threatened that he's trying to change me that I can watch football, that I can ride tandem, that I can just let go of my bossy nature. I hated doing the things that my Ex wanted to do because I felt like he was trying to control me. I realize now that part of that was my own shit. But he was also bossy. But with the Drummer, it's not a threat. I like being exposed to new things and so does he. Although I'm sure he's gotten his fill of the Real Housewives of...Everywhere.

Living Life

I haven't posted in a month! That's hard to believe. I guess that means I've been living my life, which is a good thing. My friend Howie says that when I'm not blogging, it means things are going well.

And the past month has been very productive.

I'm still teaching up at Santa Clara University. And I'm behind on that blog as well...but the students are working hard and I'm loving it. Over half of my term is over, so as we head into the holidays, it's strange to think of what I will be doing once the new year starts. But I'll cover that in my 10 Week Experiment blog.

But things with myself and The Drummer continue to go well. As the one year anniversary of the day I walked out of my relationship comes up this coming week, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what has happened in this past year. I'm sure reading over this blog will even make that even more present to me. Sometimes I struggle with the good fortune, especially on a personal level.

I'm not used to being praised or being told that I'm good enough and believing it. I have always pursued criticism because I was raised to believe that criticism was the only thing that would make me go further in life. And now I realize that praise will not make me lose my competitive edge. I'm learning that partially as a professor as well. I give my students love and critique and they're doing well. And I have a boyfriend who's totally supportive and sweet and loving, but he's also got standards and a sense of who he is. It's not just blind praise. But it's also not just relentless unhappiness and judging either.

I think about what life was like a year ago when I was still in this relationship that drained the life from me. It was awful what I was putting up with. I can still look at that relationship with a lot of gratitude, but it was definitely not the place for me and thankfully, I can see that now. I don't know if I totally saw that six months ago, even. I went through some phases throughout this year. Phase One was after the break up until about January of this year. It felt great. I was liberated. I even tried dating again. But New Haven was too much like the Ex. And I think New Haven's a great guy, but I was going to repeat my mistakes with him. He had a lot of the same issues, even though he's a much kinder guy. Then Phase Two was a lot of the Winter and some of the Spring, where I had started to forget how shitty it was living with the Ex. And I was moving on. All of a sudden the things I wanted--some alone time, living life on my own terms--was now my life. And I started looking at what was out there for me. I had a lot of the same connections to my former life in my life still. It felt very conflicted because I was moving on, but there were still parts of my old life that were intact. I was working for people who were clients of my former boss. I was an assistant on a TV pilot...it all felt very familiar. And it wasn't until I was forced to let that go...with our show not getting picked up that I could move into Phase Three. And Phase Three was when a lot of the exterior changes started happening. Yes, Phase Three was when I met the Drummer, but he's not the defining moment of this period. He's the happy accident and the result of me making some definite choices about what I want. Phase Three is when I made some decisions that I was going to take the rest of this year off and figure out what I want to do. And it was the Phase that had the most risk. Sure, I had unemployment to fall back on...but how was I going to structure this time? And then the teaching gig happened...and now I've been going back and forth for SIX weeks. And I love it.

I have said that I want to be more bicoastal. And I think I will work towards that. But I also like travelling and just being more mobile in general. So maybe this commuting to the Bay Area will be helpful in that. I want to open up more opportuntities for myself. And to have a partner who is supportive in that...I now realize that even though I worked hard and had a lot of drive, I didn't have a partner who was fully supportive of me doing whatever I had to do. Admittedly, I was a bit lost, but I was lost in trying to make him happy as well as myself. I now know that it shouldn't be an either/or scenario. What makes me happy and what I need to do myself should be enough so that it doesn't get in the way. And I should never be made to feel like I'm in that position. But I shouldn't put myself in that position either. I had the most to do with feeling like I was trapped or making a choice of him over me. That was mostly me. And now I understand that.

But I'm building this new foundation for myself. And I think that the Drummer fits into that. I am not building it with him in mind or around him. I'm building it around myself, but it's nice to know that I'm building in the right neighborhood. And that he happens to live in the same neighborhood. It's gratifying. And I am not sacrificing myself for someone else. That is vitally important.

And now when I say that I'm just living my life, it's a life that I'm perfectly happy living. And a life I can build upon. A life that will lead me to the things I want...and that will include a strong partnership. Even if it's not with the Drummer, I now know what to look for. I know what not to accept. And to think that these revelations have happened in a year seems remarkable to me. And what's even more remarkable is that it has gone by quickly.

So the lesson is to continue to live life because before you know it you will be where you want to me. It's not so far away if you keep moving.

Leaving the Past in the Past

I've been having these dreams lately about my dogs.

When I broke up with the Ex, I had to leave my dogs behind becuase I didn't know where I would be living. And to be honest, he was the one who had suggested we get them in the first place. I obviously fell in love with them and together we were this family. But because I haven't seen my Ex, I haven't seen my dogs.

So before I had class yesterday, I reached out to my Ex in an email saying that I had been dreaming about the dogs and that I would love to see them. I also said that I hoped we could be friendly.

His response back was that he was on his Shamanic journey in Kauai and had asked for healing energy. SO he wasn't surprised that I was reaching out to him. But that he felt that it might be confusing for the dogs if I saw them again, so he'd have to think about it. Because I had left them behind and hadn't reached out during his time of need, he didn't know if this was the right thing to do.

And my response to that was that I had left them behind because I had to do what was right for me. I would never be so arrogant as to think what might be right for him, so I had to do what was right for me. I also said that even though our break up might have not been great for him emotionally, I'm certain that the other areas of his life are benefiting because I'm no longer an opposition for him. We eventually wanted different things from life and were just getting in each other's way.

I needed someone who's not so hidden from me emotionally. I needed not to feel wrong at every turn. I needed to feel loved unconditionally. And while some of that is happening with the Drummer, I still struggle with being comfortable with all of it. Just because I need it doesn't mean that it's easy for me to accept. That's MY healing.

So whatever happens with the Ex, if we are friends or friendly or non-existent to each other, I'm happy about that. He sent healing energy to me AND for us. And I thank him for that because this is what's helping me heal. Every spiritual practice that he introduced me to, I've benefited from. From Kabbalah to working with this shaman. It's helped me process what is going on in my life. It's a good thing.

And if I never see my dogs again, I just asked him if he would just let them know that I love them from time to time. It breaks my heart, and I think it's unnecessarily cruel and not very spiritual, but again I can't be so arrogant to think of what might be right for him to do. All I can do is leave the past in the past and be here now.

10 Week Experiment

I just started a new blog.

http://10weekexperiment.blogspot.com/

It documents my teaching experience. Check it out. I just started it, so there aren't a lot of posts on it yet.

But set yourself up as a Follower. I'm trying to amass a following.

Keys

The Drummer just gave me keys to his place.

I had spent the night last night and we were leaving the house. As I got in my car, I realized that I had forgotten my wallet in his room. I called him. He turned around and came back. Then he handed me a set of keys. "I had meant to give these to you so you can come and go as you please." I was a dumbstruck and I took the keys. Then he drove off.

Wow. Well, now that we are officially boyfriends, I guess that seems appropriate. That's kind of awesome.

Just thought I'd share.

A Professor Prepares

I've decided on an outfit for tomorrow.

Is there anything else I need to prepare?

Hee hee...

I've been preparing for the past month for this course. From the first moment I got the email, I started thinking of what I would be teaching and how I would be teaching. But teaching is all about presentation. At least in my estimation. But I guess I would say that about most things.

Cooking is all about presentation.
Working out is all about presentation.
Chives are all about presentation.

I guess the thing I need to make sure I do is keep it together. I have so many feelings about this experience. I'm going back to the place where I became a playwright. The first five minutes of this class convinced me that this was my calling. And now I'm giving something back. It's only fitting that this could be the start of everything.

I'm laying the foundation for this next chapter in my life. Maybe we're calling it Act Two. Maybe we're calling it Act One, Scene Ten. I don't know. But I know it's different than what has come before. I've got a new man in my life, a man who's supportive and excited about what I'm doing and who I am. I've been submitting plays to all of the places that I should be submitting plays to. I'm going to get in the face of the SF theatre folks.

And I'm going to do it looking fierce. I've got scarves. I've got crisp white shirts. I've got pinstripes. I've got black rimmed classes. I've got cap toe oxfords in burgundy. I've got hats. I've got cardigans...very college professor, very Mister Rogers, very Fall 2011. If you're trying to inspire, then you need to inspire students to come with their A game. And I'm bringing my A game from head to toe.

But seriously...

I am going to look HOT.

No, but seriously again...

I've got my lesson for tomorrow ready. I've got the whole Quarter worked out, which will change I'm sure as the course goes on. But I'm prepared with SOMETHING, even though that something might change. I'm excited to work with this group of writers and to see where this all goes.

One more glance at this week's plan and then I'm off to the spa and my Dad's nutritionist appointment and then dinner with my Mom and Godmother. And then a little Dancing with the Stars and then bed. I need to be up by 5 AM tomorrow. Crazy!

Hey Old Friends

On Saturday night, I had my annual reunion with my grade school friends in my hometown of Downey. Through the wonders of Facebook, we had gotten in touch with each other a couple of years ago and decided to start getting together. The first year we got together, there were about six of us. Then those guys came over to my house for a St. Patrick’s Day Party that my ex and I threw every year. Then last year, we ventured to Anaheim for a larger reunion with our grade school pals. So after I had gotten back in touch with my friend Kathleen earlier this year, we decided that it would be good to get the gang together again for this sort of Third Annual gathering.

The night started out as a bit of a mess because the place we wanted to do it at was busy for some fight that was being telecast. So we went over to the local BJs and found a lovely table outside where we could be to ourselves. And the evening did not disappoint. I always enjoy seeing my friend Nora, who like me, was a bit of a shy person growing up and then blossomed into someone much more social. Yes, she’s got tattoos and a wild streak…and I’m pretty much the same way without the tattoos. I was telling a story about growing up and having to face a lot of bullying. The story started to make her emotional. Partially because she felt bad for me as a kid. But I think it also made her cry because she identifies with how crappy grade school was for some of us. It’s hard when people refuse to see you for who you think you really are or who you’re going to be.

My friend Kathleen is a wonder. She’s got this tough edge, she’s had some rough times in her life, but what has always shone through is how loyal she is. And funny. She was always hilarious, even growing up. She was never a mean girl, but she was incredibly popular. She’s an unforgettable character because she’s so honest and so outspoken and so funny all at the same time. It’s hard to describe her here because she’s pretty unique.

I have to say that I was really looking forward to seeing my friend, Niki. Niki always seemed cooler to me than the other kids in a certain way. Part of that had to do with the fact that she was Korean being raised by a white mother. And part of it had to do with the fact that she was only in our Fourth Grade class and then skipped to the Sixth Grade, I believe. But she was groovy. She danced to “Shadows of the Night” in the school talent show the year I did “Gloria” by Laura Branigan with a bunch of my friends. She always had this sort of older than her years vibe. And now she’s this beautiful blonde woman who lives with her family in Orange County. And kind of the same girl. Just sweet and down to earth.

We had a great time. Although a few friends couldn’t make it. But to catch up with this group of friends in their late 30s, like I am…it was a good trip down memory lane. They always remind me that I’ve got another family of people who knew me when I was a little kid. They knew me before I took off to high school in LA, before I went to Santa Clara and decided to become a playwright, and before I moved to New York and went to graduate school. They knew me before all of that. They knew the shy, insecure kid. Or the kid who felt shy and insecure. It’s funny how everyone remembers me differently. Niki said I always had a confidence about me. Maybe that’s what people didn’t like about me. I was blatantly flamboyant and didn’t have any shame about it. Niki also said that I was way more butch now than I was when we were kids. And this is what made Nora cry. I am finally at peace with my masculinity. I was never going to measure up and be “a man.” I could only be myself. And now myself is a confident man who has lived a life, has run a marathon, has had sex with other men. I’m more in touch with my masculinity because it’s not about trying to pretend to be something I’m not. I’m absolutely who I am all of the time and that seems to be assertive and seems to be masculine. Which I guess translates into butch. But it’s no longer being victim to how people treated me and called me horrible names as a child.

So, suffice to say that it was nice to be reminded that you can go home again and see the people who watched you grow up before their very eyes.

Back from Vacay (Again)

I just got back from a week in Portland visiting my brother and his family. I was out there for a theatre festival and to just hang with my beautiful niece and her baby brother who's still baking in the oven.

Spending family time and theatre time was a great way for me to just get myself re-calibrated for my upcoming teaching stint and to have a productive Fall of writing.

I've been mainly focused on setting up my class and sending out submissions and I haven't done much writing. But that's all right. I will get writing done once classes start next week.

I'm going to spend the time in Santa Clara going to theatre, teaching and working out. Then the weekends are going to be about writing and the Drummer (who, by the way, is officially the Boyfriend - but I'm going to continue to refer to him as the Drummer and sometimes the Drummer Boyfriend).

I need to divide my life up so that I'm getting all of my goals accomplished in the next 10 weeks.

The Portland trip was good because I got to eat my face off - I need to drop some serious lbs before The Drummer Boyfriend gets back from Wisconsin next week. I've got a week to get myself into tip top shape. And that's just for myself. Which is exactly who it should be for.

I am not giving up my single body just because I'm dating someone. And neither should he...and I don't think he has the intention to do that either. We are both our own people and need to keep our identity.

Despite the fact that we both like each other so much we want to eat the other's face off.

I have a lot of writing to do in the next few months before the end of the year. I've got this new play to finish soon so that I can get to work on this new screenplay I want to write. And I have to figure out a new one hour drama to write. Not sure if I'm going to pick up and try to work out my art thieves drama or not. I have to find a good story to make it fun, sexy and worthwhile.

I've done a lot of writing this year so far. I finished a play. I wrote five or six drafts of the pilot. I'm finishing another play. I'm writing my face off. And I'm hoping the teaching schedule will just make me more disciplined. I also have this other play I want to workshop with students, which might take up some time.

As always, I want to get a shitload of things done. But I work best when I work a lot. And since my schedule is my own, everything can be focused on all of this theatre work I'm generating.

So the vacay did the trick. I'm refreshed and ready to take on the Fall. I'm also ready to have lots of hot sex with my hot boyfriend. He really is a fine man. And possibly the sweetest individual ever. He really does have a wonderful heart and reminds me that I should be leading with MY heart at all times. I have a big heart too, but sometimes I get caught up in being so tough or so aggressive. It's nice to just be who I am and to let that light shine though.

I'm happy that he's in Wisconsin with his family, but I can't wait until I get to be naked with him again soon, wrapped up in his body.

But in the mean time, I have plenty to do. The past two weeks of vacay have been wonderful. And the next ten weeks (with some breaks for a SF weekend and maybe an NYC trip) will be equally wonderful as well.

Ready to take it on. Very excited to reconnect with some friends from college. It's going to be an awesome Fall.

Back from Vacay

I was just away in the Mountains with The Drummer and his band for the past four days. And what do I do to relax? I head to Starbucks in the air conditioning and I'm listening to last week's THE A LIST while I'm blogging. So relaxing...

The mountains, the mountains...

This is what's great about The Drummer. He's relaxed and kind. As sweet and honest and open as he is, he's also a total tiger in the bedroom. I just like being with him. I question it in my own mind because it's somewhat unexpected. And I'm not used that sort of unguarded care in relationships.

Quick sidebar: My Ex (not the last one) called me over the weekend. Saying he needed to talk. Then he sent a weird text asking how I was. Then I called him today on my way home after our weekend away and it was mindblowing what has been going on. He was the first boyfriend I had who had a real issue with alcohol. There were jealousy issues all around and although I really cared for him, it just wasn't right for us to be together. And he never could get over the fact that I flirted with boys. He's the reason I tell all future suitors that I like to make out with other dudes because it bit me in the ass here.

Then I find out that my Other Ex is back on the sauce, was arrested for stealing a car while he was drunk and has tried to kill himself twice. I listened. But I just couldn't muster up the words, "Call me if you need anything." Because I don't want him to. I tried to save one person in my life from addiction and now...it's just too painful. I wish him the best and I encouraged him to get some help. But that's all I can do. I don't know why he was reaching out to me. I don't want to turn my back on someone, but I can't take that on. I have had two very important people in my life kill themselves. But this guy doesn't want to do the work to help himself. I'm dealing with a father who's severely depressed and also physically ill and won't help himself. I can pray for him and wish him the best, but he's got to pull himself out of his own mess. I think about the person he was when we were together and I can't imagine this is what his life is about now.

So I tell that story because it was another reminder that I could have that to deal with. I could be in a relationship with someone who I feel I need to help at every turn. The Drummer and I had this wonderful conversation on the way back from Huntington Lake. And the gist of it was about this: You have to be your own person and come together with someone else. You can't complete each other. And as I admitted to him, that was a lesson that I fought hard to learn.

we just had this quiet, honest conversation on our way back. That's the other thing I really like. WE TALK. A LOT. Maybe too much for some people. But not me. I love to talk about things. I like to be honest. I like to get it all out on the table. I like to say things like, "I really like where this is going." And "I'm so attracted to you." It's what's charming about him. We can have a quiet conversation about things where he just reminds me what a salt of the earth person he is. And then we have amazing, ass-busting sex. Then we cuddle. It's like a buffet of the greatest hits of the things I like in a relationship made with only the best quality ingredients. It's awesome.

And we say AWESOME a lot because it happens to be a favorite word of both of ours. And yes, I know how sick and sweet that sounds. I'm sorry. But it takes my breath away that it's eight weeks in and here's where we are.

I'm reluctant to say that I'm in love or to say I have a boyfriend. Why is that? I think that goes back to the fact that it seems like this has happened so quickly. But what I have to remind myself is that it's been EIGHT WEEKS and we only see each other once or twice a week. That's healthy. And that's not necessitated by anything other than schedule. And I don't feel like I have to be up on his jock for him to know or for me to know that I seriously care about him. And I'm just trying to go with what I feel. I don't have to proclaim it to other people so that I prove to them that I'm happy or that I'm okay or that I'm moving on. I know what I feel and the fact that I know is satisfying enough to me. And he knows. And I've slipped a few times and referred to him as my boyfriend. That's okay. It's okay to say it or to not say it. We feel close.

And I'm not proclaiming shit on Facebook. Not now. Only the friends I chat with on the phone or email regularly and who I want to know know. Everyone else doesn't have to know that I care about someone on a status update. I'm taking a vow not to put personal things on FB. I can rant, I can put great quotes, but I'm not proclaiming that I have someone significant in my life on FB. I'm learning to cherish things for me. I don't hide details of my life, but I don't feel like I need to proclaim for the sake of proclaiming. Announcements are a bit too casual for me on FB. I don't really trust this way of communicating anymore. It's great to get a quick sample of what friends are up to, but it's not a way to foster and nourish friendships.

And now that I'm back from vacation, I've got two days to do some work prepping my class. And I've got some play submissions to get out as well as just some catching up with friends to do before I start the Fall and start teaching. I'm going to try and nurture my friendships in the Bay Area while I'm out there. I have two friends I miss a lot that I want to see and spend as much time with as I can. My friends Veronica from college and my friend Bill who I've known for a few years. I adore him. I want to try to reconnect a bit since I haven't seen him in a few years.

There's a lot to do before my next vacay, which starts in two days. And it's more of a family time/working vacation. I'm going to an arts festival in Portland. I'm going to nourish my theatre soul. And I can't wait for that. Because it includes time with my favorite two year old, my niece. And my brother and his family, which includes a new little nephew who's making his debut in 2012. I'm nourishing my soul in a lot of ways these days and I couldn't be happier about that. Because my soul fuels my work and I've got a lot of work to do now and in 2012. I'm ready to get the shiz done.

The Teacher Within

My favorite yoga teacher, Natasha, announced that she was leaving to move up to the Bay Area. And since her last class is this weekend, I'll be missing it since I'll be out of town. But we're going to try and see each other while I'm in the Bay Area for the next few months. As I've mentioned in various places around this blog, whenever I take class with Natasha I feel like I take something away that's really important.

So it's sad that she's leaving because I adore her so much and I feel like she has given me so much in the short few months I've taken with her. It makes me feel like I shouldn't have taken her for granted and that I should have gone to every class of hers. You just never think that such a great teacher is going to go away. I honestly have only taken four or five classes with Natasha, but I went to them knowing that I would have a place of solace.

Maybe knowing how we all feel about her, she had a special theme for our class today. Today's class was about the idea that we have a teacher within ourselves. So even when you have a teacher that you love and they go away, the purpose of that teacher is that they are supposed to help us find the lessons that already exist within us.

Then she started crying. It was unexpected for herself and for us. Then I started getting emotional. My friend Nicole and I just looked at each other. It was so honest.

Then she had us shut our eyes and think about how we can learn the things that are already inside of us. How can we be teachers to ourselves, so that the lessons are never lost, so that those teachers are always within us? And how can we be teachers to each other.

Then it was my turn. I lost it. As my eyes were closed, I started crying. Like always, Natasha spoke to the exact place I was in that moment. I'm going to teach for the first time next month. And I've learned from my great teachers. The best ones are the ones who give of themselves. And I have to say that even though I only have known Natasha for a short period of time and we didn't have a lot of actual time together, she has taught me so much about teaching. And she's the person I'm going to be thinking of as I start on this new adventure with my students.

She's always so open. Every class began with an idea. Sometimes a Sanskrit word that we focus on. Then she strings it through the class. So that every movement, every pose, every stretch is filtered through the idea of that class. It's a real merger of the body, mind and spirit and that synthesis really improves the experience of the other areas. The body experience deepens the mind and spirit, the thought of the idea deepens the practice of the body and the spirit. And the spiritual connection allows us to stretch deeper, feel things more as well as opens up new thought and ideas about the concept of the class. It's really beautiful.

And her spirit is just beautiful. She has the best smile, the cutest body, the most articulate instrument--voice and body--to guide us through. It inspires me to be more, to leave each student with a gift. And it teaches me that having a high aspiration for each class is not a bad thing. People keep saying that these students might not write again, might not be interested in theatre, might not be receptive. That I shouldn't challenge them too much.

But I remember my first playwriting teacher. He just inspired by doing. We kept going along because he was the pied piper. So I'm going to have a vision for this class. I know how I'm structuring it. I just got my text books in the mail today. So now I can finish my lesson plans. I have a lot to read and to prepare. Now I just have to fill in the vision with the details of what we will be doing each class.

The other thing that Natasha said today was that no one can do your practice like you can. It's completely yours and unique to you. And that's true of my class. It's true of everything I am. No one does what I do. No one writes the plays I write. No one has characters like the characters I have. No one phrases things like I do. It's easy to look on someone else's paper. Their successes. Their accolades and want that. But that's not mine. My successes and accolades are on record and the future ones are to come. No one can take away my past, present or future successes either.

That encouragement allows me to go deeper into my practice in yoga class. When I hear encouragement, I go deeper, I feel things more and I get more out of it. I never feel like it's impossible. Today I did the Crow Pose for the first time EVER. I just decided that I would do it before Natasha left. And then I launched right into it. My fear completely disappeared. The doubt washed away and I was off the ground. Like everything, you just have to find a way to do it.

And like my yoga practice, once I put my mind to things, the obstacles just fall away. It has always been that way throughout my life without fail. I survived my childhood--the relentless teasing and name calling (sissy, faggot, girl). I survived my home life--the relentless yelling and put downs. I made it into the high school of my dreams. I went to a wonderful college that I'm going back to in three weeks to continue the cycle of learning. I went to the grad school of my dreams in the city of my dreams and I survived. And a lot of fear and resistance got the best of me. But even that was the important lesson for me to get to this place. I had to be tested and I had to learn to trust in myself. I had to learn that I'm enough, complete and ready now.

Becoming the teacher means that I'm no longer the student. I'm no longer the person without expertise and I can stand tall in that knowledge. It's this knowledge that will allow me to move forward in my pursuits instead of hiding behind the idea that I only have things to learn and I can't speak my voice with authority.

I have been afraid of that transition my whole life. But now I know it's my destiny. It's the teacher within that is now the teacher inside and out.

Thanks, Natasha. I'm super grateful.

Recap

I've been watching THE A LIST on Logo, which is pretty annoying and pointless. But the recaps called THE EASY A LIST are much more compelling, so I thought I'd do a quick recap of recent events since last Thursday when I posted last.

Friday: I had a busy day. I had lunch with The Drummer before he headed out of town again for a gig. We held hands and ate Mexican food at Marix in WeHo and were spotted by a good friend of mine. It was romance, romance, blah, blah, blah. The same as usual. I'm into him and it's sweet.

Then I went over to my best friend Alanna's house where she had news for me. She ran into my Ex...just FOUR HOURS EARLIER!!!!!

Recap within a Recap: They ran into each other at the Vet, my dogs are now fat, he looks the same, it was difficult for him to ask about how I was doing, my best friend called him out on his bad behavior and he told her to tell me that he said hello.

Alanna and I had cocktails out at the Abbey in the sunshine, talked to an older queen and his black fag hag and then I moved my car, headed back to the Abbey and met up with my friend Brian.

Brian is a set designer who's in town for a show he's working on. He's married to a successful photographer. I had crushes on them both when we met in Louisville, KY last year. Brian and I had Manhattans to celebrate the occasion of seeing each other and then he had to head to an Emmy party. I went home.

Saturday:
My Dad went back into the hospital for a night. I was incredibly angry with him. Then I was angry with my brother. Then I opened up to my friend Nicole about the situation and ended up crying. Then I went to a fabulous party for my friend Emily, who's an interior designer and I danced my ass off. Talked to her friends, saw some of my friends and had an all around glam night, while trying to forget about my dad and his craziness.

Sunday:
Was hungover. Started reading JUST KIDS by Patti Smith at the suggestion of a friend from the party the night before. Dad came home. I've hardly spoken to him.

Monday:
Did a bit of work. Had dinner with my friend Jen, who is also a good friend of the Ex's. Jen's someone who I trust to be straight up and we had a great conversation about everything going on. She was incredibly supportive and understanding of the situation with the Ex. We hadn't seen each other since the break up. We talked a lot about life changes and what happens when you leave a situation that's not good for you. She works for a famous celebrity and it's time to leave. I think it was good that we had that time together.

Then I went over to the Drummer's house. We went out for dinner and came home and had hot amazing sex. It's fun being with him and we are both very excited for this coming weekend.

And that's my recap of the events of the past five days. Quick. Easy. And no boring details.

Confirmation

So I'm having a good time with The Drummer. We are laughing a lot, having great sex, and truly making some great connections.

The Old Me would say that this is confirmation that he's The One. My Present Self would say that this is confirmation that he is Someone Who Should Be in My Life. When I think back about my Ex, at this six week point I did think he was The One. Now I know that he wasn't. But was he Someone Who Should Be in My Life at that time? Yes. He was someone I needed in my life and I'm the better for his presence in it because I had a lot of lessons to learn that I could have only learned if he was in my life.

I'm going back to the idea of The Drummer and I taking things moment by moment. And in this moment I'm glad that he's in my life. He has shown me so much kindness and sweetness and I don't have to go searching around to find out how he feels about me. I know exactly how he feels about me every moment of the day. There is no guess work. And I'm still not subscribing to this whole conversation of him being The One.

My friend Nicole asked me after yoga today if I was in Love? Isn't that funny that everyone subscribes to this idea that you can know if you've in Love with someone new in your life in six weeks? I like him and I like where this is going. And I told her the following story to let her know how deep it's getting (but this still doesn't mean that I'm in Love or that he's The One):

After I had gotten the news about the teaching gig, I called my brother and told him about it. My brother's reaction was tremendous and he shared with me that he wishes he was better at teaching. He wants to be a better mentor to people because he had so many people who had mentored him. I never knew that my brother feels exactly the same way I do about teaching and mentoring. This why I think that maybe I might have a gift for it.

Upon hearing the story, The Drummer looked at me and said, "You're the special one in your family." I smiled because I thought that was genuinely nice, but I went on to explain how amazing my brother is. My brother is an incredible scholar and a scientist. He stopped me. He explained that he wasn't trying to say that my brother isn't amazing. But that it was clear to him that I was the special one in my family. And when you're the special one, it takes a while for people to understand that. He was looking me straight in the face when he said this and I didn't even have the inclination to crack a joke. Nothing about that statement felt uncomfortable, but it also seemed like such a statement of someone seeing me that I still felt it was weird that he saw me in that way only six weeks in.

Then I had another experience yesterday when I was talking to my Mother about the fact that my Grandmother had always said that I should be a teacher. And that it was interesting that I was finally doing it. Then my Mom shared a story about how my Grandmother told her once that I should be a teacher because I had a real gift. She said that not everyone had the gift I had. Yes, my Brother was really smart and popular and everyone liked him. But I was special.

My jaw dropped. I then shared with my Mom what The Drummer had said. It was almost exactly what my Grandmother had said. I was floored.

Two things. This is not a story to dis my Brother. I think my brother is going to do amazing things. He's done HIV research and he's working in the field of infectious diseases. I think my brother's going to contribute to some work that will change the world. I have no doubt that my brother is that talented. I'm not sharing this story to basically say that I'm a rock star and my brother's not. And honestly, I feel a little guilty about putting this on here. But I think there's a point here. People in my life see something in me that I'm slow to see. And I need to get on board. If I'm going to do anything big in life, then I need to be confident in the power I possess. I think we all do.

The second thing: I still don't think that this means that The Drummer is "The One." I don't believe in that concept any more. I believe that this is true confirmation that he's incredibly intuitive or my Grandmother spoke through him or both. But the way he looked at me was that of a person delivering a message. I'd
like to think that he's intuitive and he really sees me. That's powerful.

But what I do know is that the two of us are exactly where we need to be right now...in this moment. And as long as this keeps working, then we're going to keep working at it.

Easy to Be Hard

For me, it's easy to work myself up into a lather about all the things I want to do. From the time I was a kid, it was drilled in my head by my Father that you should have to put as many obstacles in your way to get something done. Somehow it was a badge of honor to work really hard because it proves that what you're doing is worthwhile. It is somehow a statement of value.

This is something I'm learning continually in my life...it doesn't have to be so hard. Sometimes effort is a sign of strain. And you don't have to overcome "impossible odds" to emerge triumphant. Because once you believe that, then you just start throwing things in your way to make it harder.

Here's how this has laid out in my life lately:

So I'm putting together my syllabus for the Playwriting course I'm teaching in a month. And I'm getting my lessons and my writing exercises and my assignments together. That's a lot of work.

But I also have a few deadlines coming up for play development opportunities. And some of these opportunities pay. Actually, ALL of them pay which is a nice thing. I have a play that I'm working on that I've been trying to finish for this East/West Players deadline. It's also the play I was going to submit for this commission at Clubbed Thumb in NYC. I've been running myself ragged to finish. The East/West thing pays $5K. The Clubbed Thumb pays $15K. And even though I don't have to have a complete play for Clubbed Thumb, I want to finish it for East/West. Then I had a revelation.

Why am I trying to rush to finish the rewrite of this play for $5K? What I should be doing is making sure the 10 page sample I have to turn in for Clubbed Thumb is the most rocking thing ever. And there are ways I'm trying to rip this play a new asshole and write something far darker, scarier and crazier than I've ever written. It's an experiment for me. So do I want to write a rushed version that fits the criteria for $5K or do I want to write something spectacular in 10 pages that really pushes my boundaries for $15K?

That's when I realized...why am I working so hard?

I can turn in the play that was a finalist for the O'Neill this year, which is done and polished. And that might even have a BETTER chance at winning the 5K. Plus if I turned in the play I'm finishing and I got BOTH, then I'd have to decide between 5K and 15K because both are supposed to be world premieres. Of course, that's a high class problem. But if I did have it, I'd be out 5K. But if I got both and the two plays were different, then I'd have 20K. So again...why work so hard to cheat myself out of a pay off? And then I'd have TWO plays out there for world premieres in the next 12 months.

Plus I can just do my submissions tomorrow, so I'm putting some good productive ACTIVE energy out there. And all the times I've done that lately, it's paid off BIG TIME. So I'm going to do my East West Submission and another submission for the Marin Theatre Company with the same play. And with the Marin Theatre Company submission, I believe I can still have a play that has had a professional reading, but not a production. So if I also get the East West thing, I can do BOTH because one is a reading and one is the possibility of a production. So that would be ANOTHER $2500.

So by NOT working as hard, I can increase my chances of earning $22.5K. Holy moley! I like this not working hard thing.

But it just teaches me that my original instinct is to make myself work harder, maybe rush something and decrease my payoff. Just for the sake of saying I WORKED HARD. The thing is that I have a play that has been a finalist for the O'Neill and it still hasn't been produced. It hasn't really been developed professionally yet. In a way, it's passive income. It's a play that's already finished and has got terrific response.

Now I can FOCUS on getting the idea for this play down. The idea for this play and where I want to go with it is a lot darker than anything I've written. I also know that I have to go to some pretty raw, deep and dark places within my own psyche and personal history. I'm not ready to do that in an entire play right now. I don't think I've had enough distance yet. But I can pour that into TEN PAGES. And by the time I get this commission, I'll be ready to dive deep and get dark, dirty and nasty with this play. I'll be ready to cover this play in my creative semen...metaphorically bukkake the shit out of it. So it's also buying me some time.
And that seems a lot less intimidating, which is the whole reason I've been procrastinating and putting off finishing it. But I also want to get a bit experimental on this shit.

And by the time I'm ready to work on this commission, I will have seen all of this great theatre in Portland that's wild and freaky and loose. Then I will have started teaching and will be reading all of these plays that I LOVE all over again and I'll be teaching them. I will have so much inspiration and theatre energy that I'll be ready and brave enough to take this on.

I have to remember to take it easy on myself...because the hard work lies ahead of me. Why make it harder?

Abundance

That might be another way to say that I'm super uber busy.

In the span of less than a week, I went from busy to crazed. But I have to say, I am so happy about it.

I have this play I'm supposed to finish by next Wednesday for two different theatre opportunities. Then I've got these lesson plans to do. I just finished reworking the syllabus for my Playwriting Class. But the big thing to figure out is how to pace the course. There are these oral presentations that have nothing to do with writing, but more to do with script analysis that I want to cut out to make room for some in class table work. I didn't realize it would be as tricky to get all of the work in that I want to get done. I think I can push these kids a bit harder than they're being pushed. But I also want to make sure that I don't run myself into the ground either. I want to be able to give these kids as much of myself as I can. But I just finished working out the first week of class and that was tough. And the first week is probably the lightest week of all!

And before I head up to teach, I'm going to be in Portland with my brother and his family and immersed in theatre through PICA's TBA Festival. I'm going to be all theatred out! It'll be great though. I'm really looking forward to it.

And I've got my friend Susan's baby shower to plan and my grade school get together to put together.

I honestly would rather be crazy and busy than not. So I'm happy for all of this activity. But I just need to make sure I'm finding time for myself and my own work. I've got the O'Neill deadline coming up again and since I was a finalist this year, hopefully my material will be given extra consideration. But I also need to make sure that play rocks the house. This really is the opportunity of a lifetime, to teach these students at the school where I first started writing plays. It meant so much to me to have that sort of freedom to work and if I'm being immodest, I would say that it's the work that I did with my professor that laid the template for this surge of playwriting activity to happen there.

I can't even express what this opportunity means to me. It probably won't even hit me until I get there.

But until then, I've got another ten days before this play deadline...this week is busy seeing friends and doing some networking. And then I'm off back up to Huntington Lake for Labor Day with the Drummer. Then back for a day and a half and then to Portland for a week. That will just be some good chill time. I want to relax and enjoy just seeing theatre and hanging out with the bro and the niece before life gets crazy again and my Fall really begins.

Just drinking it all in. Enjoying it all. Enjoying the time with the Drummer and being grateful that so much is coming my way. There's more to come...the greater the effort I put into everything going on, the more things will continue to pay off.

Continued Amazement

A few things are amazing me this morning. I'm amazed that I got up this morning at 5:30 AM to go with my father to buy fresh roasted New Mexico Chiles. Apparently, it's this "thing" that only happens once a year. And now I'm getting some internet time in before I head out to the Borders going out of business sale.

But what really amazes me these days are two things:

1) My life. I think about how different things were 9 1/2 months ago. I mean, that's the whole point of this blog, right? One action started this whole revolution. I broke up with someone I really loved, but who was so destructive and bad for me. (It's much easier to say that now than it was when I first started this blog. I was protecting him, but also not being totally honest with myself.) Then I ended a job that had kept me shackled for seven years. Then I started a new job that I LOVED for five months. Then that ended. Then I decided to take the rest of the year off to leave myself open to new possibilities. And even if those new possibilities just meant that I was writing every day and didn't have to go into an office and that I just focused on me - that was enough. But then life had other plans. Once you clear away all of the "noise" (I'm borrowing that term from Bethenny Frankel's book, A Place of Yes, which I actually bought and read), then you're free and clear to see and hear the plans that the universe has for you.

And that other plan was also started by one simple action. When I decided that I was going to take the rest of the year "off" (I love that I thought I'd be taking time off because my unemployment has been totally a time of busyness and business), I decided that I was going to take these three trips: Portland to see my bro, Santa Clara/SF to see if they had a need to have me come up and do a workshop and NYC to do some theatre networking. It was just an idea that popped into my head. Why don't I see if I can do a workshop since I had time on my hands. That lead to an opportunity to sub for one class. And then this week I got the call that the professor actually had to drop out. And they wanted me to teach in the Fall.

So here I am prepping to teach a class as a college professor.

So the fact that life is continuing to show me great things is amazing. But that's only because I'm leaving myself open to the possibility. And not trying too hard to know everything my life will be in the next six months. It's definitely a big step for me to just keep doing things to make things happen, but not laying a load of expectation on top of that.

2) The Drummer - The Drummer continues to amaze me. He's just a cool guy who speaks from his heart and operates from his gut. He's a guy who says what's on his mind and has wonderful things to say. I admire him for his honesty. But what touched me the other day was when I was talking about my brother and how he said he was happy for me that I'm teaching in the Fall. My brother is in a PhD program and had said that he isn't great at teaching and it's something he wants to get better at. And I had mentioned that it was nice that we had something in common. We have a lot in common, but the narrative growing up was about how different we both are. And then The Drummer said, "Yeah, but you're the special one in the family." I replied that Chris and I have both done some great things. But he grabbed my face and said, "I know. But you're the special one in your family. I can tell." And it was just one of those moments, besides getting a complement, where I felt that he saw something in me that he appreciated and was attracted to. It's great when someone acknowledges you. He seems so patient and loving that sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy one. But again, that's all noise. And I've got a lot of noise lately about the attention from him. But of course that's all I ever wanted from the Ex. I'm learning to turn that noise down so that I can continue to hear the things that the Universe is trying to tell me.

The Drummer has been nothing but encouraging of what this opportunity will unlock and he believes that it will take me where I need to go. I feel supported.

Back to College?

So I got an email from the head of the department at Santa Clara University, where I did my undergrad. I'm scheduled to sub for the playwriting professor in October. Well, as it turns out, the professor has to drop out of teaching for the Fall. And the Head asked me if I was interested in taking over for him.

What?

Visions of me in various Fall ensembles passed before my eyes like my life.

Then I emailed her back and said I was definitely interested. Pero, claro que si! (But of course!) Of course I had questions about time, money, etc. And then I thought: "Could I actually do this? Should I do this?"

I called the Drummer to ask his advice. Not because I was concerned about the state of our dating life, but because he also teaches. He was immediately encouraging of it. He said almost right away, "You HAVE to do this." Flashback to the Ex--He would have never been supportive of this because it's in a different city and it would mean that our relationship would be jeopardized, in his mind. Of course, this is not the truth, but he always had me hanging on thinking that anything I did separate from him meant that I was disloyal. I know it's only been five weeks with the Drummer, but he had no issue whatsoever. I like this guy. Well, that's clear. But I like him for sure for saying that.

And as far as "we" go, I'm going to commute back and forth mainly because my Dad's still fragile and my Mom's going to need my help. He also said something beautiful. He said that teaching only reinforces what you already know. It gives you the confidence that you know as much as you do and it also reminds you of what you know so that you can go and continue to do it better. Gosh, that guy just keeps surprising me with how amazing he is. That was the most touching thing he could have said to me. Besides telling me I should go and give this a shot because it will clearly lead to other things. And he said that for potential employers, it's better to be the guy who shows on his resume that he's made effort versus laid around for a year. And while that isn't true and I've been very busy, that's how it will look on paper. So I understand that.

I had applied for teaching jobs last year for this Fall and nothing came of it. But now I have the chance to put something on my resume. And I actually could still be teaching this Fall, in about a month. That's wild. On my old college campus with my professors as my peers. This is all incredibly strange. But strangely wonderful as well.

As this whole year has been, this is just another part of the great lesson of this post-breakup time. I have to go back for something. . Much like I'm dealing with my father and his health and going back into my childhood, there are things about Santa Clara that I'm not done with yet. I have to give back somehow and reconnect with the person I was back then.

I'm very much looking forward to the adventure..

A Joke

I just read that last blog entry, which I wrote before my Dad went into the hospital AGAIN. That almost seems like a joke...getting on track because now my Dad's home. I won't be making any such grand proclamations in this entry.

He's home now. And I have been stressed out all day. I feel like I could take ten vacations. I have so much writing to do and meanwhile, life is happening. I pushed through when I had my reading and just got shit done because I had to. But I could only push through because I basically ignored the shit that was going on. I had to. And now I can't really do that. I feel at my wits end and like I don't have time for anything except to worry about my Dad, make food for him, counsel my Mom, workout a bit and see The Drummer. The funky thing is that when I'm with the Drummer, I'm so exhausted and so happy to see him that I feel like I get really needy. Like I've been dehydrated and I'm really thirsty. He's been so great about just letting me be. And that is such a foreign concept. You know, I've been on this journey (as documented in this blog) for the past 10 months and The Drummer's not getting in the way of that. He wouldn't think of it. And that's nice to have at a time in my life where things are so in transition, it's nice to have someone new in my life who understands that there's a lot about me right now that's in motion.

I can tell that a lot has changed about me because I'm not in a rush to make it all about The Drummer. And that's not even what it's about: you vs. me. I'm so ridiculously into this guy and he's so into me that we just feed off of the mutual complement-fest. It's nice to look at someone and say, "I'm so into you." Or want to say it, but you can't because the other person has said it first. There's a lot of good stuff going on and I'm just trying to appreciate it and keep the rest of my life afloat.

I don't want to be my Dad's caretaker. I want to get on with life. But then I think that this is a part of it. My emotional life is my life. My family's struggles are a part of the fabric of my life. I'm still learning this lesson of priority. Putting myself on the top of my list. And I'm certainly being challenged constantly to make sure that the lesson sticks. I'd laugh right now if I wasn't so tired.

Delayed Arrival

Wow. I feel like the past two weeks have kind of blown by. Part of that is because of my Dad's continual trips to the hospital. He's home now. As of tonight. And all of the work I started doing two weeks ago, getting my shit together and planning have taken a bit of a backseat. I have been dealing with very important stuff, but now I feel like I need to take back some of that energy and get working on this new play rewrite again.

I had lunch with a friend last week who decided that he would offer me a hard dose of reality about trying to have success in the play world in Los Angeles. This is someone who had been working in LA trying to make it as a playwright, then got into Julliard and has now been drinking the NYC Kool Aid. And I get it, I went to NYU for playwriting. That is where things happen in the theatre world. And he made some good points: decide what you want to do and do it. And that's part of the journey I'm on. My life is going to change direction based on what I want to be doing. And I'm in the process of figuring that out. This guy is totally on the inside of the theatre scene and it feels very cliqueish. The good thing is that I also know these people and they're friends of mine and people I can share my work with. Fortunately, they're not as snobby as this guy is portraying them to be. Maybe he thought I was more of an outsider. I don't know. But it seemed to be coming from a real place of insecurity from someone who needs a lot of validation. We all need validation, we're creative people. But the advice didn't completely come from a place of spirit in my opinion. That being said, he's right about a few things. I do need to be a more active presence because otherwise it comes off as disinterest. But I don't agree that I can't totally do it from here. I'm part of a playwrights group out here and I'm building community. I believe my best work will come out from a place of community. And that can be here in Los Angeles.

I also talked to my friend Dave a few days ago, who had better advice. He thinks its great that I'm taking the rest of the year off to do my work. He gave me advice that someone gave him once when he was on retreat: "Only do what you want to do. Even if it's as an exercise." And that's what I'm planning to take on as my mantra. Only do what you want to do. This time is a real game changer because I am deciding it's a game changer. I only want to work on this new play right now. Then I want to submit it for the two opportunities that have deadlines at the end of the month.

Then I can do some thinking and writing on my TV stuff.

But then I've got that trip to Portland where I'm going to become immersed in theatre and art and dance for the week. And I'll be immersed in my brother and his family as well. And my extended family of friends up there. It's my time to just absorb all of that art for the week and see where it takes me in terms of the next play I'm rewriting, which is my MEDEA adaptation. I want to work on that so that I can send it off to Santa Clara and see if there's a chance we can workshop it with some students in the Winter.

One thing my cynical friend did say is that sometimes you need to go away for a bit and then come back. And from now until the end of the year is my chance to go away and get involved in the work that I'm doing.

This week is all about getting back on the horse and continuing with a forward momentum.

Weekend of Bliss

I live in Los Angeles and there is this place called the Sequoia National Forest I have never been to. That's just sad. Well, I remedied that this weekend. The Drummer took me to the woods!

It was so beautiful. Trees and mountains and rivers...oh my! Really a pleasant weekend. I needed it after the week I had. My Dad was in the hospital for a few days and had gotten out last week only to go in again on Thursday. Parents trip to Portland canceled. Lots of confusion on my part as to what the Dad wants. I had spent a lot of time lately worrying about what is going on my family and being incredibly frustrated because of it. Since my Dad was in the hospital and my Mom wasn't going to go to Portland without him, I ended up going on my trip. Thank God...because I literally felt like I was going to rip off someone's face if I didn't go this weekend. Plus, we had already paid for the place we were going to stay at.

We drove up Friday night to Fresno. Fresno scares me. It's strangely desolate. But we did manage to find a steakhouse that served us $2 pints of General Sherman IPA. And we had two handsome burgers. Then we went to the supermarket to load up on water, booze and fixins for breakfast and lunches. Off to place we were staying at which is on a ranch. We opened the door and saw a quaint, nicely set up studio apartment. Lots of room. We just wanted to unpack and go on a late night stroll on the ranch. Star gazing, hand holding and lots of outdoor kissing. Then we went inside and sexed it up.

Next morning we sexed it up, then I made omelets. The Drummer made sandwiches for us to take with us and then we headed out. I will say this about The Drummer: he's great to hang out with grocery shopping AND while sexing AND while gazing at the stars AND while at a bar. The Drummer has this saying: it was a good hang. He uses "hang" to describe a good time, a good hang out. And it's always a good hang no matter what we are doing. It's easy, but not simple and not boring. It's relaxed.

So we headed out and smoked some pot on the way up. I'm not a big pot smoker and I'm certainly not a big drug user in general. But I had a "when in Rome" moment. I had decided earlier in the week to stop trying to plan a perfect weekend with him. He had wanted to show me The Sequoias - this was his hang. So I surrendered, which is not something I do very easily. I wanted to see this place through his eyes, and part of that included smoking pot.

At a certain point we were very high up in elevation and I was very high. We walked around the big sequoia, General Sherman. There were lots of European tourists around. The Drummer and I had a wonderful time just walking around. But for the most part, we drove around A LOT. But there was beautiful natural wonder after beautiful natural wonder. Rocks, mountains, The Drummer's beautiful blue eyes. It was a real day to remember.

We had lots of conversations. Silly ones as well as deep ones, or ones that seem deep when you're high. All I wanted to do was kiss him all over. We had talked all weekend about the fact that this weekend was going to be the big moment for us. I was going to have sex with him. I knew that I wanted to and we had the appropriate accouterments with us. Unfortunately, after a day of walking, driving, eating and smoking, we got home and crashed. But we crashed in each other's arms, pretzeled. That's another term that we use a lot. We ended up going to bed pretzeled in each other. The Drummer is so hot and sexy and warm and awesome that it's easy to fall asleep in his arms.

The next morning we woke up. I was a little disappointed for him that we didn't do the deed the night before. But he didn't sweat it. Gosh, I like him. That was the perfect response.

So after breakfast and sandwich making, we hit the road again. This time we were going to head to Shaver Lake and Huntington Lake to stroll around. If Saturday was about natural beauty, Sunday was going to be about local flavor. And we wanted to make sure we didn't tire ourselves out so much that we couldn't come home and do it. So we hit the road, smoked some weed - different from the type that we smoked the day before. This was supposed to make the colors pop and boy did it. It made everything pop.

First stop was Shaver Lake and this gelato place. They had no flavors that felt authentically Italian. And they were out of Key Lime Pie, which I was interested in. So I had chocolate. The Drummer had Nutella-Banana. We grabbed a table and I picked up an old issue of ROLLING STONE and he picked up a guitar and kept trying to get me to "name that tune." I was wondering what someone who noticed we were a couple might think, given we were outside of LA. And I don't think it's the thought of what he was going to do to me later that would freak someone out if they're homophobic. I think it was the fact that it was a Sunday and we were laughing. I was guessing the music he was playing and he was serenading me. I was reading a magazine and telling him what was on celebrity play lists. We were clearly more than friends, but we weren't doing anything remotely sexual. But it was sweet and lovely...maybe the threat of normalcy is the biggest threat of all.

We had a lot of conversations like that on Sunday. This pot made me talk and talk and talk. We talked about family. We talked about friends. We talked about my Ex and about why things didn't work out. But mostly we held hands in the car the whole time.

Then we stopped at this lodge in Huntington Lake, which was beautiful by the way. All of these people with their sail boats and jet skis looked like they were having the perfect Sunday afternoon. We stopped inside for a beer and got a lot more than that. We met this wild guy named Barry, who owned the place. With his big gut, an unending flow of vodka tonics and the big dark bags under his eyes you just knew that Barry had lived a life. The Drummer chatted him up about things: Barry is a songwriter. And eventually, that turned into The Drummer and the band he plays in being invited up on Labor Day weekend to play at the Lodge. So now I know where I'll be on Labor Day weekend.

I loved watching The Drummer talk shop. I later remarked that there's nothing sexier than a man who knows what he's talking about. It's that confidence that's sexy. So we drove back down and around back to Shaver Lake. There we had an early dinner and debated whether these two high school friends were a couple or not. The pot was making us have serious theories on the subject. I didn't want to stare at them because I felt that if they were secretly a couple, then they should have their secret relationship without any outside judgment from the two older gay dudes in the corner.

We drove home, pulled up to the ranch and had a few drinks. OH WAIT!!!! Forgot something. We pulled up to the side of the road on the way back, before dinner. We looked out at Huntington Lake. I think I took another hit and this time it affected me in a strong way. I got off the rock we were sitting on and I made my way to the ground. I had to lay down. I was perfectly fine, but I knew I was starting to get crazy high. . Then everything turned white for a second, but once I laid down I was good. Then the Drummer laid down beside me. He smiled. He said he knew what I was thinking. I thought I knew what he was thinking. Then my zipper comes down and my shorts get lowered and I'm getting a fantastic outdoor blow job. Then I decide to give him one and then he sees a boat about to pass by. We pull our pants back up and make out way back up to the car. But we had some good outdoor oral for about ten minutes or so. And he initiated it. Hot!

So then we go back and we're in our little place and things start to heat up. This is the moment. Without getting too explicit, we get naked and I'm ready for the moment. It took a few changes of position and then we were off to the races! It was great. It felt good for me. It felt good for him. And it was official, we had sex. More pretzeling and then we woke up on Monday morning.

We made breakfast, packed up and left. Hand holding the whole way back. Smiling and sneaking kisses. I loved the whole weekend. So did he. And it just felt natural. We had some pretty stellar hangs the whole weekend. Met some people. Got invited back and had some hot sex memories to boot. Whatever it is that we're doing, we both know that this is a great start.

Plans for the Trips I Have Planned.

In the next few months, I have some trips planned. I am looking forward to getting away for several reasons. I feel like I need to replenish and renew myself. Not like Ramona Singer. But I've been on this hamster wheel of trying to get to the top of the TV food chain for eight years now. That's the better part of a decade of my life! And priorities change. I always was afraid to change my approach to things because I always felt, "If I change something now, I might be on the brink of greatness!" It's the stubborn Aquarian in me who wants to make a MARK on the world, but doesn't want to move things around in order to do things. I'm at my best when I think like an individual. It's when I try to be like everyone else that I get into trouble because I'm a creature who operates best when he's being different. That's just the way it works for me. And it's sometimes hard to trust that when everyone else is doing everything a certain way. But I'm singular. I'm not like everyone else. It's against my nature.

Here's my little recap on the trips I have planned and what I want to get from them:

Sequoia National Forest - I'm going away this weekend with The Drummer on our first trip out of town. That is wild! We've been dating for a little over three weeks and now it's time to test this theory outside of the lab. I booked us a little apartment on a ranch for three nights. He's taking care of everything else. I like that feeling of us taking each other away. I've got the lodging covered. And he can get us up there and I won't have to take my wallet out the rest of the time. I'm super into that. We're romancing each other. It's important for each person to feel what it feels like to romance and then be romanced. It's not the same if you're splitting everything at every juncture. There's my little bit of relationship advice.

I'm excited to get out of town. I think the drive will be lovely and the company will certainly be good. I'm looking forward to getting to know him more during the course of the weekend. I just am looking forward to it being the two of us. I feel like I can relax around him. I don't have to worry about what he'll do or what he'll say or that he'll judge the place that we're staying at. We've also talked about this being a good time for us to relax and let go. When you're away, your inhibitions lower and you feel freer to do things. Those things can include drinking, smoking pot, laughing really hard...and other things.

I think the sex is going to be amazing. Not that I'm trying to put too much pressure on anything. But it's our opportunity to have time together and that's really a wonderful thing. There has been so much going on with my parents lately that I just need some time to release it and it's been hard to do, even with writing being a distraction. So this will be a form of cleansing for myself as well. It's a kind of cleansing that I need to wash away all of the anxiety of the past several weeks of dealing with my Dad's health. I need to get focused on the task at hand. And that task is really launching my career as a playwright and TV writer in a proper way. There have been too many distractions--too many ways I have allowed myself to get distracted. Unfortunately, my need to take care of others has usurped my career ambitions and my need to be creatively fulfilled as an artist. That need is no longer more important than my need to be fulfilled. I can have both, but just with different percentages of importance. The creativity has to take precedence for me. That being said, The Drummer, also inspires me because he has made that choice to make his life's work a priority. We don't spend every waking moment together, but that doesn't mean that when we are together we are 100 percent about each other and can't stop talking or kissing or having sex. It's pretty intense. And I like that kind of balance and focus.

We talked about this last night. Balance is not about watering down. Balance is about enjoying every possible thing you can. It's about having an abundance of many things in life. It does not mean mediocre or half way. It means all the way in more ways than just one. One thing does not take more importance in life at the expense of other things. And I hadn't heard it articulated quite that way before until our conversation last night. That's the philosophy I believe in. And an all of nothing mentality does not work for me. So this weekend is about luxuriating in each other and hiking and cooking and drinking great wine and laughing and making silly faces and doing silly voices and just rejoicing in what we've experienced in the last three weeks. We're taking things moment to moment.

Portland in September - Portland is a silly I've been in love with for a very long time. I lived there out of college and now my brother and his family live there. I always knew that I wouldn't live in Portland again, but that I wasn't done with it. It was a time where I was taking a bit of a break from the intensity of college and was again reinventing myself. I ran an after school arts education program and had a very distinct view of life there. Then the next year I worked for a huge advertising agency and got a completely different view of life in Portland.

So this Portland trip is one part family. It's important for me to be around for my niece as she gets older. I saw her in December, again in January and after this trip I'll see her again in December for Christmas, which I'll be spending with my brother and his family. As she's getting older, it's important for me to spend more time with her. I can already see that she's got a sense of her body and I want her to get into dance classes as soon as she can. So that's a big priority for me in being there.

The other thing is that I'm going to an arts festival put on by Portland's Institute for Contemporary Art. That is also important. I want to be inspired by things I'm seeing. I've got a dance theatre piece I want to get to work on and it'll be inspiring to see all forms of performance that don't necessarily rely on telling stories through dialogue or a linear story. I feel like I have been so far away from the world of dance and performance art for so long that it will be good to be surrounded by it. I also want to be prepared for this new piece that I'm hoping to workshop on some students if the powers that be let me. It's the perfect thing to bring to a school and have students work on. I'm going to see performers like Taylor Mac and Kyle Abraham, who I've never seen. There's also a whole visual arts component that will be on display the whole time. I want to be fully immersed in art for a week and then come back to my brother's house and write. It will be a full working experience. I can't wait.

I just want to walk around town, see friends I love, see my brother, sister in law and niece who I adore, eat like ridiculously awesome street food, have some great cocktails, work out, do some yoga, see art and be productive. Yes, that's a lot to get into a week, but it's a microcosm of the life I want to live. Minus any romance, but I will get my fill of romance this weekend and in the time leading up to the trip. And afterwards. This time is for me and I couldn't be more excited.

There will also be lots of dancing and laughing during that trip. Including dance parties and some movement classes with my little niece hopefully.

Santa Clara/San Francisco - It's always nice to come back to the old campus and visit. This is where I first started expressing my need to create, so the fact that I will be teaching a Playwriting Seminar and some other Master Class means a lot to me. I love talking to students about what I've done post graduation. I've lived in New York and have lived that part of the dream. I can help clear up some of the mystery around how to make this all happen. I'm also hoping to reconnect with some professors and to maybe take a dance class. That would be super rad.

Then I'm off to San Francisco for the weekend where I hope to see friends and maybe Rita Moreno's new show at Berkeley Rep. I also want to meet up with a woman at a theatre that has read and liked my stuff. And another woman at Berkeley Rep who I've known socially for a while who I really want to introduce to my work. I'm also hoping to do a training session with my friend Bill who does something called Oncore Training and maybe a Naked Yoga SF class. That might be fun too.

Again, another city I used to live in. I'm hoping to drum up enough good will that they invite me back to at least workshop that dance theatre piece I want to work on. But it might be fun to find some more quick master class type things to do. It would be fun to reconnect with the school that started it all for me. And maybe that could lead to other teaching opportunities. I would also like to find a way to bring more dance as a way to tell stories into my life. That's also where I started dancing and telling stories. Now that I've separated them, it would be nice to bring them back together and see what I've learned.

NYC - Seriously, what can I say about New York? But NYC will be the most business like trip of them all. I need to get a theatre agent and NYC will be a part of that. I am also hoping that I can get some meetings with some production companies out there as well. I have friends who are working on TV shows, so some set visits will be in order. I just want to see shows, hustle like hell and try to drum up some work for myself in the Apple. I want desperately to spend more time there, so getting to workshop my plays and do some development will be a really great thing to do.

I'm going to do a workshop of my latest play when I'm out there. And I want to get people interested in what that play is about. I think I have beautiful things to say with my writing and I want those beautiful things to be heard. And if the people in New York theatre think they haven't heard from me enough, then they will certainly hear from me this Fall.

All of these trips are to be productive. They are to drum up interest in my writing, as well as getting me some much needed readings, workshops, productions and gigs. In order to live as a writer, people need to see me as a writer. And without any other agenda that I'm pushing these days, the only way they can see me is as a writer.

Here's to a productive Fall that hits all of the points: personal, professional, passion and perseverance...and finally, pay off!

Making Plans

The Drummer and I are trying to get away this weekend. My Dad hopefully will be well enough to go to Portland with my Mom. If he's not, then I'm staying in town. But we're planning as if we are.

This is what's great about The Drummer. We've been talking about the Sequoias since we met. I know that it's a place that's magical and special for him and he wants to share that with me. I spent a lot of time in nature as a kid. Mainly against my will. But I have done a lot of camping in my life. I didn't always love it, but as I got older, I appreciated that I could camp and really started to love it. I love walks. I love the solitude and the majesty of it all. The Drummer and I went on a beautiful walk last week on our date. I love walking and talking.

So we both were on the phone today and figuring out what we should do. We might have a cabin to stay at but in case we don't we need to find lodging. So we're both looking for affordable alternatives. I've dug up AAA information and maps. And I already have some recommendations on places to eat from my Dad. I like planning together. With the Ex, he did everything because he liked it. I never felt like I was a part of things, so I didn't do a lot of planning. And I know that bugged him. I know it made him feel like I was just along for the ride. But he also never liked my suggestions and made that abundantly clear. That never serves as good motivation to keep throwing out ideas. It became very clear early on that he didn't really care about my opinion. So I started believing that I was really bad at planning things because my planning never met with his approval. And you know what? I now remember how much I love doing this stuff. And it helps that I love doing this stuff with The Drummer.

The Drummer has also put great sex on the itinerary, which is incredible. It's super hot. I'm having exactly the kind of experience with someone I have only been dating for three weeks. I smile when I think about him. I think about him often. And I want to do it with him all of the time. I'm hoping that there's some great, outlandish, ridiculous marathon sex during this trip.

He's the kind of person I want to have a glass of bourbon with and go down on. But not necessarily in that order.

Getting Away and Coming Back

I'm just barely returning back to my body. I've been dealing so much with my Dad's health issues and recent stay in the hospital that I haven't had a lot of time for much else. I have been working out a lot, but I feel a lot of out of body feelings. My mind hasn't felt like it has been intact for about a week or so. And now I'm ready to get back to my routine.

How appropriate that it's the start of a week and I'm ready to get back? And how appropriate that tomorrow is August 1st, the nine month anniversary of the date I walked away from my relationship. Time to reaffirm my commitment to myself. I am a good son, but that's not all I am.

Tomorrow I will be heading to the gym and starting a new harder workout. I'm going to kill it in the gym for the next month or so. My goal is to continue to be lean and to reduce my body fat by four percent over time. I've got to take care of my Dad's doctor's appointments in the morning. Then I'm off to the gym and then I'm off to help my friend Susan get ready for a pitch. Then it's time for hip hop class and yogurt with Tiffany and then another late night date with The Drummer. These Monday night dates are becoming a tradition...one that I am a big fan of.

Tuesday's going to be a writing day. Quiet, alone and secluded.

Wednesday is going to be a lot of meeting up with friends and catch up...some business.

Thursday is all about writing. And Friday hopefully I will be heading to the Sequoias with my dude. Gone until Monday. Happily gone until Monday. Relaxation, big trees and four days of romance. Also testing out whether or not I can do a big trip like that with him. That will be a huge test for both of us. Our first trip out of town together. I'm psyched about it.

So again...a very busy week. But one that will continue to bear fruit. I'm very excited about that.

Getting Laid

About four weeks ago I was near the breaking point. It had been about 9 months since I had had proper sex. I really needed to get laid. I didn't care that I might have to break my rule of not having casual anal sex...I just needed some booty! I was desperate. I mean...there were some good candidates. I had some guys I had been fucking around with, but I've only done that (for the most part) in a relationship. There was that one specific time in a gym shower in Louisville, KY when I wasn't in a relationship, but that is another story.

Then I met The Drummer, and although we haven't done "the deed" yet, I want to. Given the fact that everything else so far has been spectacular, I have a strong feeling the sexy time is going to be quite the wild ride. There's something about having chemistry with someone. It's undefinable. But when you've got it, you don't know why, but it's there. There has been a lot of kissing and oral, but nothing else. And it has created quite the build up. It's actually exactly how I like to do it. It's been so long since I've had descent sex that has been attached to caring about someone that it's a new sensation.

Sex is great outside of the context of a relationship or having a commitment. It's fun to do. But having sex with someone you dig and have chemistry with outside of the bedroom is amazing.

The Drummer asked me last night if he was too touchy feely. I told him that he could never be too touchy feely with me. And he can never over express how he's feeling. This time last year I was begging for my boyfriend to just touch me. I felt so disconnected because I thrive on physical touch. I love giving massages. I love kissing and I love laughter. Sex is a silly proposition when you think about it. Where you put your mouth and what you lick and what you stick in someone or have stuck in you. It's mechanical and strange until you add feeling and humor. I look at The Drummer and I'm instantly excited. As I told him last night, it's not just his looks and his cock and all of the goodies. It's that underneath all of that a heart beats. He says how he's feeling from moment to moment.

The ex used to say to me that I liked to talk too much. I loved the "play by play", he used to say. And I apologized for that. I felt bad for that. But I LOVE the play by play. I love to talk about what's going on and why. He didn't need that apparently, mainly because he's emotionally stunted. But that's no reason to try to change the way I do things. I won't accept anyone in my life any more who's not willing to let me be me. And I won't tolerate myself not letting someone be who they are. It just does not work.

I'm beginning to understand that the things I remember about my ex are the memories that you attach to things. I love the restaurants we used to go to. The trips we took. I love shirts he gave me. Mementos. I love the souvenirs more than I love the trip I took. And with The Drummer, I am so into the trip that I don't need the souvenirs.

Politeness

It has been a week of emotional turmoil. Dad in the hospital. Passing out in the living room and scaring us all to death thinking that he just died in the living room. Well, I wasn't there. I was at the gym. My brother got the shock of his life. But to see him back in the hospital in the Coronary Care Unit (CCU) was nuts. Even in the weeks and days before he went back in, I knew something was up. And there was nothing I could do about it. Other than badger him incessantly, but even that got tired for both of us. When he would come back from two hour trips to the supermarket and wouldn't eat when he got back. Or when he came home with a bag of fun size Snickers bars. I knew he couldn't change until he decided it was time to change. I don't even know if he gets that now.

But one thing has changed. This episode happened when his granddaughter was in the house. Yes, she was sleeping (thank God), but she was still only a few feet away. I hope he gets the connection that everything he's doing to himself affects his ability to be a presence in her life. He is making an active choice not to be there for her in the future. No one likes to talk about it because it's impolite. Because it's not nice.

How could you say that about your father? It's his choice. It's the way he was raised.

I've heard all or some variation of this over the past few days. I've had addicts in my life and I know all about being an enabler. . And that's what's going on here. Everyone excuses the behavior because it's hard to break or because he was raised a certain way. I understand having to unlearn behavior. I'm in the process of doing that now. But at some point you make a choice. And sometimes that choice is a negative one.

We have put the right information in front of my Dad. We have gotten rid of the stuff he's attached to. And we're forcing it to a breaking point. I hope this is what he needs to start making the choices for himself. It's like an emotional defibrillator. A shock to the system to get things running right.

But I'm over being polite for its own sake. That doesn't help anyone. My mother has made choices that contribute to this and so have I. But I'm trying not to be an enabler to anyone any more. It got me into trouble and has never helped the addicts in my life. In a certain way, this feels a bit like readjusting my own thought process with people in my life. But the change also involves me knowing when to let go. And we are making an effort in order to empower my dad. I'm not going to be knocking Snickers bars out of his hand or following him around to make sure he's not messing up. He's got to make those own choices for himself. All I can do is give him access to the right information. And be supportive. If he's making the right decisions, I will be fully encouraging and supportive of that and will do what I can to help him along that path. But that takes effort on his part.

And I'm not patient with people who disagree with me. I'm not patient with people who allow certain behavior because it's the easier thing to do. I've been there and I've walked through the fire in ways those people haven't. And even if those people are "elders", that doesn't mean they know more than I do about everything. I'm an adult and I've earned my stripes in this department. I'm ferocious about this stuff and I will bite your head off, chop it up and serve it as tartare. Fuck you for being an enabler and allowing this behavior to continue. That is honestly how I feel about it. It destroys lives...and all because we're too polite to speak up.