Easy to Be Hard

For me, it's easy to work myself up into a lather about all the things I want to do. From the time I was a kid, it was drilled in my head by my Father that you should have to put as many obstacles in your way to get something done. Somehow it was a badge of honor to work really hard because it proves that what you're doing is worthwhile. It is somehow a statement of value.

This is something I'm learning continually in my life...it doesn't have to be so hard. Sometimes effort is a sign of strain. And you don't have to overcome "impossible odds" to emerge triumphant. Because once you believe that, then you just start throwing things in your way to make it harder.

Here's how this has laid out in my life lately:

So I'm putting together my syllabus for the Playwriting course I'm teaching in a month. And I'm getting my lessons and my writing exercises and my assignments together. That's a lot of work.

But I also have a few deadlines coming up for play development opportunities. And some of these opportunities pay. Actually, ALL of them pay which is a nice thing. I have a play that I'm working on that I've been trying to finish for this East/West Players deadline. It's also the play I was going to submit for this commission at Clubbed Thumb in NYC. I've been running myself ragged to finish. The East/West thing pays $5K. The Clubbed Thumb pays $15K. And even though I don't have to have a complete play for Clubbed Thumb, I want to finish it for East/West. Then I had a revelation.

Why am I trying to rush to finish the rewrite of this play for $5K? What I should be doing is making sure the 10 page sample I have to turn in for Clubbed Thumb is the most rocking thing ever. And there are ways I'm trying to rip this play a new asshole and write something far darker, scarier and crazier than I've ever written. It's an experiment for me. So do I want to write a rushed version that fits the criteria for $5K or do I want to write something spectacular in 10 pages that really pushes my boundaries for $15K?

That's when I realized...why am I working so hard?

I can turn in the play that was a finalist for the O'Neill this year, which is done and polished. And that might even have a BETTER chance at winning the 5K. Plus if I turned in the play I'm finishing and I got BOTH, then I'd have to decide between 5K and 15K because both are supposed to be world premieres. Of course, that's a high class problem. But if I did have it, I'd be out 5K. But if I got both and the two plays were different, then I'd have 20K. So again...why work so hard to cheat myself out of a pay off? And then I'd have TWO plays out there for world premieres in the next 12 months.

Plus I can just do my submissions tomorrow, so I'm putting some good productive ACTIVE energy out there. And all the times I've done that lately, it's paid off BIG TIME. So I'm going to do my East West Submission and another submission for the Marin Theatre Company with the same play. And with the Marin Theatre Company submission, I believe I can still have a play that has had a professional reading, but not a production. So if I also get the East West thing, I can do BOTH because one is a reading and one is the possibility of a production. So that would be ANOTHER $2500.

So by NOT working as hard, I can increase my chances of earning $22.5K. Holy moley! I like this not working hard thing.

But it just teaches me that my original instinct is to make myself work harder, maybe rush something and decrease my payoff. Just for the sake of saying I WORKED HARD. The thing is that I have a play that has been a finalist for the O'Neill and it still hasn't been produced. It hasn't really been developed professionally yet. In a way, it's passive income. It's a play that's already finished and has got terrific response.

Now I can FOCUS on getting the idea for this play down. The idea for this play and where I want to go with it is a lot darker than anything I've written. I also know that I have to go to some pretty raw, deep and dark places within my own psyche and personal history. I'm not ready to do that in an entire play right now. I don't think I've had enough distance yet. But I can pour that into TEN PAGES. And by the time I get this commission, I'll be ready to dive deep and get dark, dirty and nasty with this play. I'll be ready to cover this play in my creative semen...metaphorically bukkake the shit out of it. So it's also buying me some time.
And that seems a lot less intimidating, which is the whole reason I've been procrastinating and putting off finishing it. But I also want to get a bit experimental on this shit.

And by the time I'm ready to work on this commission, I will have seen all of this great theatre in Portland that's wild and freaky and loose. Then I will have started teaching and will be reading all of these plays that I LOVE all over again and I'll be teaching them. I will have so much inspiration and theatre energy that I'll be ready and brave enough to take this on.

I have to remember to take it easy on myself...because the hard work lies ahead of me. Why make it harder?