Monday, July 22, 2013

The Eulogy I Never Gave

Tomorrow is the year anniversary of my Dad's death.  I'm including the eulogy I wrote for him that I was going to give in Hawaii, but I never did.


When memorializing a parent, I’m sure the common response is “I never knew I could love him more.”  My reaction to my father’s death is that I never knew I could love him.  Maybe that’s a controversial statement to make in a eulogy.   But those of you who know me, know that I like to be controversial.  I mean, I was the three year old who carried around a Ken doll in a pickle carrying case.  Seriously, in terms of foreshadowing the future, it doesn’t get more clear than that.  

Now that he’s gone, I often think, what went through his mind when I popped into his life?  Especially back then, I was a lot to take in.  I was precocious.  I loved to dance around the house.  I must have watched every Madonna tour on VHS like 500 times.  And to be honest, we struggled a lot.  He must have been worried that the sweet, loving child who loved showtunes was going to have a tough time.  So he yelled and screamed and told me to toughen up and that I’d better stop crying or else he’d really give me something to cry about.

Oh, he’s going to be so disappointed by the time I finish this speech.  And he’s going to be so disappointed that he didn’t live to hear these words: He was right.  To a point.

And that was the nature of our relationship.  We both thought that our point was better than the other person’s.  And we fought and fought and fought my whole life trying to prove to the other how right we were.  I wanted him to understand me and to be a little bit nicer.   He wanted to make sure that I was going to be man enough to fight for the big dreams I had dreamed up for myself.   But neither one of us could give in.  So we didn’t really get along.

Then the Universe stepped in.  He got sick.  And I was just coming off a TV show I was working on.  Just in time to help out.  I went to his doctor’s appointments and to his nutritionist appointments. I cleaned out my parents’ refrigerator and their pantry getting rid of anything with salt in it.  I took big poster board and wrote all the things he should eat and shouldn’t eat and posted it on the refrigerator door.  And we fought all the way.  “You can’t eat that.”  “Oh yeah?  Fuck you, I’m having a McRib.”  (Sorry for the cursing, but it really does make the point.  You can kind of hear him say it, can’t you?)  I fought with everyone.  The doctors, the nurses, the hospice workers…and even, though it makes me sound like a total a-hole, my Mother.  And every conversation started with, “You’re not doing good enough.  You can do better.”  I wonder who I learned that from. 

Then I realized something.  I had learned all of that behavior from my Dad.  But, throughout my life, I was on the receiving end of all that yelling.  But I didn’t feel like I was yelling for the sake of yelling.  I was trying to get my Dad better care.  I wanted to make sure he was safe.  I wanted to make sure that he held on to his dignity as long as possible.  And I think I was successful.  I just wanted to protect him.  Then, here comes the big idea, I thought, “Wow, if I pissed all of those people off just to protect my Dad…could he possibly have pissed me off my entire life just to protect me?”

That was a big moment.  Because in that experience of fighting for him, I finally understood him.  We finally had something in common.  We were willing to sacrifice looking like the good guy in order to take care of someone we love.  And I hope that my Dad would look at me now and think, “Yeah, that was a success.”  But he’d probably just criticize what I was wearing.

Here’s the final thank you.  Thanks, Dad for being willing to sacrifice looking like the good guy to take care of me.  And thanks for marrying the right woman so that both Chris and I got some tenderness as well.  But most of all, thanks for making a man out of me.  I only wish you were here to toast to that in person.

Not My Problem

When I worked in advertising years ago, I was a project manager.  It was our job to keep everyone on schedule.  We were the liaisons between all of the departments: creatives, account managers, studio artists, etc.  We used to have a saying when work was being handed over to us that wasn't our responsibility: Not my job.  

Today, I had two situations happen where I decided to not do what I usually do, which is butt in and make everything my business.  I decided that I would just listen to what was going on and not try to fix a problem that was not mine.

First up:
My Mom is having some work done to her house.  She had two types of termites and needed to punch a hole in the wall to see where they were.  That resulted in a huge mess that involved two contractors and putting up new drywall.  It's too long and a painful story to share here, but it involves my little widow of a mother getting ripped off, me going off on a crazy contractor and then doing what I usually do--which is make it all my problem.

So today I get to her house, thinking I'm going to meet with our contractor to go over the job after it has been completed.  But when I get there the guys working on the job haven't shown up.  I haven't been able to get a hold of the contractor and there's a final thing they need to do so that the exterminator can treat the soil for subterranean termites tomorrow.  My mother, who works nights (not like that), had stayed up so she could wait for the guys.  But she never found out what time they were coming.  She didn't ask them.  Also there was a possibility this final part of the job wasn't going to be done in time for the exterminators tomorrow.  The details weren't being attended to and that really bugged the fuck out of me.  But I decided to take a step back.  I did talk to our contractor and let him know what needed to be done and he was perfectly compliant.  But I had to realize that no matter what happened, my mother had to be responsible.  If the hole they cut out in the floor wasn't big enough, she had to be responsible to coordinate the guys coming back and doing the job before the exterminators came.  And if it didn't happen, it didn't happen.  And if she spent more money than she should have, then it's her money to spend.  I cannot solve all of her problems.  And I shouldn't reach to solve all of her problems out of instinct either.  It's not my job.

I did all right.  But I need to remember to do that more.

Second story:
The Drummer is producing a radio show and I'm helping him with it.  He interviews drummers and other musicians and they talk about all things related to drumming.  He's great at it and he has a close friend who has been a mother figure to him who originally produced the show with him.  But she has a tendency to go MIA whenever he does something she doesn't like.  He's dependent on her to book certain guests and it's not happening.  Today he calls me and tells me that for the third time she has gone MIA.  This is after they had a huge blow out and she walked away from producing the show.  Then she felt bad and came back with her tail between her legs, but he decided that she could just be a co-host and not produce.  Then I came on board to produce.  I have had very clear boundaries about what I will do and won't do.  So when he calls me to complain about how she's not being responsive to his texts and emails, I let it go.  I told him that he needs to decide what's right for him.  I gave him some advice, but I didn't start solving the problem for him.  I also avoided the impulse to say, "I told you so." I had the feeling she would do this again.  It seemed pretty inevitable, actually.  I did let him know that he had a part in it as well and that he needed to be responsible for that.  So I butt in a bit.  But I really tried to remove myself from the situation.

I like to fix everything.  I don't like my own life being disrupted by other people's anxiety.  So in order to make myself feel better, I just get involved.  My therapist would say that is not the right thing to do.  And we've been working over the past year to NOT do that.  I'm getting better, although I still try to make everything my job.  I wasn't perfect this time, but at least I pressed pause and realized what I was doing.  And in both cases, I pulled back my reaction.  I can't live my own life if I'm trying to live everyone else's.

Peace and Quiet?

The Drummer and I were having sex the other day.  We were trying a few different positions.  I sat on it.  He turned me over and got me from behind and then I noticed something.  When I would get loud (which I always do...I'm Latin!), he asked me to quiet down.  Normal, right?  Then I put my head in the pillow (he did NOT force my head in the pillow, btw) and started screaming in that "hurts so good" kind of way.  He got more aggressive!

Then I decided to see what would happen when I was quieter, but "above water" as it were.  His pace slowed down.  Then when I put my face in the pillow again and got real vocal again he quickened his pace and pounded it out.  Okay, so I'll admit that in the moment it was really hot. I even kind of "faked it" a bit to add to the vibe and he LOVED it.  But afterwards I thought: "Is that what he really wants?  An anonymous body with its ass up in the air taking it from behind?"

I've got a mouth (again, I'm Latin).  I've got spice and sass and all of that stuff.  He likes it.  But maybe he just wants me to shut up sometimes.  Is that bad?

Is it bad that I was turned on by screaming into the pillow because I knew he'd hit it harder?

We're two years in and the sex was some of the hottest we've had.  And I want to keep it hot.  But do I have to stiffle my voice to release the passion in my relationship?

I couldn't help but wonder...

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Retrograde is Over! (more recap from yesterday's reading)

Thank God!

I am ready for things to get moving.  Retrograde is a nice little excuse in a way because you know that things are going to be stalled.  I prefer to see retrograde as that time where things are incubating, percolating, and marinating.  And now that we're reached full marination, it's time to cook the meat!

I love food.

One of the things that stuck out to me from last night's tarot card reading was that I don't celebrate myself or realize what I have.  This is something that I've been working on for a while.  Somehow I can't appreciate what I have and how far I've come.  All I feel is stalled, when the Universe is trying to tell me that I'm closer than ever.  Why is that?

I remember reading The War of Art by Steven Pressman years ago and he talks about I this idea of resistance.  When you are close to a goal, resistance revs up its efforts.  The cards told me that I'm close to having everything I want.  Everything in the cards last night seemed like a validation of this journey I have been on for the past two and a half years.  It told me that I had taken time off and that it was long overdue.  I was amazed at how on point the reading was.

There are times when I feel like I have been indulging myself too much by taking this time away from the rat race.  But hearing that it was long overdue just made me realize that my instincts have been correct.  I have been holding strongly  to this notion of needing to stay in this place for a bit longer and do some more exploration.  A lot of the cards were Kings (or Shamen in this case) which are at the end of the arcana and which mean that I'm at the end of this cycle and about to start something new.  That sounded encouraging and it also feels instinctually like what I already know.  Just the fact that the cards were specific, but telling me stuff I already knew are a reminder that I need to plug back into my instinct and intuition and let that guide me.  Anything that doesn't support that needs to be stripped away or at the very least re-evaluated.

The cards also stated that I have been on a spiritual journey for the past few years.  That couldn't be truer.  The fact that this journey has dictated most of my life for the past few years is significant.  An important key to something that has made me feel stalled is the idea that I'm passionate about what I'm doing, but I'm not in it for the profit.  However, this has made me feel blocked because I want to move past the place I am in in my life and that involves advancing career wise.  And that involves making more money.  But if I'm not in it for the money, then I am blocking myself.  But the cards said I need to start thinking about money in terms of energy.  Where am I putting my energy?  And if I end up putting my focus somewhere guided by my passion and that makes me money, then I'm putting even more energy towards that pursuit.  It is giving it power and importance and then it essentially creates a rechargeable battery of passion and profit and it gives my passion energy.

The reading also said that I need to focus my efforts on what I am working on specifically.

Susan said I need to mediate and visualize more.  I need to mediate and visualize that.  The cards also said that I would be traveling for work or that an upcoming trip would be important for work.  She felt that this upcoming trip I'm taking to Portland where coincidentally a theatre festival was happening that weekend would be important.  I was only going to go to three out of the four readings, but maybe I need to go to all four readings.  After all, readings have been very fruitful for me.

I'm going to reprint Susan Miller's horoscope for Aquarius, which we read out loud last night, giving it energy to send more energy in the metaphysical realm.


You are about to become very busy at work this month, so put off taking a vacation until late September or mid-October to be sure you can get everything you need to do done. You are about to enter a period where you will have some of the juiciest assignments in the department, and you may be the envy of others who work there. No matter, just smile - you've proved yourself and this is reward time. If you are self-employed, you will find that business is brisk - so good in fact that you may be contemplating recruiting more workers to handle the demand. You may work in a seasonal business, because this month your services seem to be very much in demand no matter where you work, and that is a very good feeling indeed.
The reason for this lovely turn of events is Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, has now moved into Cancer late last month, on June 25. In the next twelve months, until July 16, 2014, the date Jupiter will leave for the next sign, you will have an opportunity to prove, once and for all, that you have the right stuff to make it onto a VIP short list of bright stars to watch and reward by being groomed for bigger and better things.
The last time Jupiter was in Cancer it was mid-2001 to mid-2002, a very long time ago. Can you remember any assignments that you had that garnered you lots of attention? You may get a clue of what is to come by looking back. Other planets will have since moved into other signs and places in your chart, of course, but you still may be able to glean a certain theme to that period, which may be repeated now, this year. (A production in New York of my short plays, thesis play in grad school which garnered a lot of attention)
Ancient astrologers always wrote that Jupiter is exalted when it tours the cardinal sign of Cancer because it is a water sign, allowing for intuition to enter the realm, uniting the left and right brain. Cancer is also cardinal, a sign that would push the energy out to all four winds, to allow for the greatest growth possible. Cardinal signs define direction, for they mirror the points on the compass (north, south, east, and west).
In coming months, you will show just how efficient and organized you can be. You may move to new headquarters, or be able to redo the design of your office. The workload will be heavy - especially this month - but with beautiful surroundings, it seems less arduous. You won't feel like you are in a sweatshop of the turn of the century, with dreary conditions and people sitting so close that it's hard to concentrate. No, your surroundings are likely to become quite sleek. (Paramount)
You may get new computer equipment, new apps, and software to help you do your job faster and more easily. You will also find that you can find qualified candidates to hire. Many small businesses report hiring qualified, skilled, experienced, and affordable people is their number one challenge. That won't apply to you, dear Aquarius. In the coming year, your database of possible workers will grow impressively. Even if you work in a big company where the salary you can offer a candidate is not your main concern, you will still be able to hire candidates that work out to be gems for you.
Moreover, people will get along with one another in a very smooth and supportive way, so you won't feel going to the office is like landing in a real-life soap opera each day. Instead, you will feel like you fell in a parallel universe where everyone is happy to see each other and glad to help each other with their workload. At times you may feel like you're in a Disney movie, where everyone seems to be smiling and humming, "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go..." Don't question this happy circumstance, enjoy it! Jupiter can create magical situations!
Mercury will be retrograde all month, until July 20, a holdover from last month, having started June 26. This will add a slight complication in that you should not hire anyone (or accept a new position yourself) until after the retrograde is over. It is also not the time to buy new computer equipment or anything with moving parts, like a car. Mercury will retrograde in Cancer in your work sector, so you may see a project come back to you for corrections. (new play) Everyone will be in the same boat, so just take these delays with a shrug and a smile.
The solar sixth house where you will host Jupiter from now until July 16, 2014, is also the house of health, and rules all the good things you do for your body to keep it in peak condition. That includes all the things that you would expect, such as eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, and scheduling all the annual exams you know can keep you running in top condition. Remember to see the dentist and eye doctor, and all those other doctors you know you need to see for an annual checkup. In the coming weeks, you may go back to the gym, or if you have been going, meet a new trainer who inspires you. Or, you may start a new sport you enjoy so much you do it all the time.
I have found a remarkable bonus to having Jupiter in the sixth house, one you might not expect. Every time I have had Jupiter tour my sixth house I have lost weight. Now, that's just opposite of what I expected. Jupiter is supposed to expand everything it touches, not reduce the size of one's body! However - Jupiter, as the great healer, can teach you to eat sensibly, to eschew junk food, and give up things like too much coffee that only lowers your blood sugar and makes you hungry later. Let me know how Jupiter in this period works out for you in months ahead. (losing weight has been on my mind for the past several months)
If you have a chronic problem that has perplexed most doctors you've consulted, having Jupiter in the sixth house for the first time in a decade will help you locate an excellent doctor who understands your condition. The medical practitioners and technicians you encounter during this phase are apt to be quite distinguished. Of course, like anything else, you will have to do your research and also get recommendations from friends. You may find out that you can take advantage of a new procedure or medicine that has received encouraging results in thorough lab tests, and that your doctor feels is worth trying with you. Getting more information and knowing your options are always the first steps in any process.
Having Jupiter at your side, as you see, is a big plus and can bring progress where you have seen none, especially in regard to health and work projects. However, without a new moon, Jupiter has no way to make his gifts accessible to you.
How wonderful to report you will HAVE that new moon in Cancer on July 8, and it will arrive with Mercury, and later, on July 13 to August 27, you will have Mars. Mars is the action planet, so this almost guarantees the feathers will fly at work, with plenty to do and everyone there concentrating hard. The whole theme that I have been talking about in your report of Jupiter in Cancer will kick off on Monday, July 8.
In regard to work, I want to make clear that the sixth house is not like the tenth house of honors, awards, achievement, and fame. Actually, in that house you currently have Saturn, teaching you to learn the ropes in a new realm for several years (until September 2015). (the cards kept talking about a new way of working, a new area)   Certainly you are edging up the ladder of success with each project you turn out. Saturn will turn out to be a key player this month, so stay with me.
For now, know that Saturn will go direct on July 8, having been retrograde since February 18. Once Saturn goes direct on July 8, he will not go retrograde again until March 2, 2014. Saturn is in your house of career status, so this is important to note. (I have all this on my annual calendars that I offer here.) Whenever a planet turns from retrograde to direct, watch those days that tightly circle the date (in this case July 8) for subtle clues of positive changes to come. Those changes may happen quite suddenly, too.
Just to help you clarify things in your mind, the solar sixth house represents the work you do on a day-to-day basis, not the promotion or status you receive. The tenth house will give you that - and actually will be energized this month by Saturn. The sixth house, where Jupiter is based, will give you the right kind of projects that have legs and will lead you to a new level in your industry.
Now I get to tell you some truly extraordinary news. (I have been bursting, wanting to let you know all about this!) This month will bring into view a beautiful sparkling triangle of planets in the heavens, linking Jupiter in your solar sixth house of day-to-day work projects, to Saturn, in your solar tenth house of honors, awards, achievement, and fame - the house that is capable of giving you the big promotion, where everyone reads about you and knows your name - and to Neptune in your house of salary. This is a cosmic expression of pure harmony, where things should work so nicely that it surprises you. (this does apply to me and does make a lot of sense)
Each of these planets will move toward perfect calibration at 5 degrees of a water sign, each 120 degrees apart, forming a configuration of perfect harmony! Work leads to reward and status, and to more money in your paycheck, dear Aquarius (Money as energy which reflects my passion) The day they meet in ideal formation is July 17, although July 18 and 19 are impressive runner up dates, too. This behooves you to do something special for your career on July 17 or 18, like have a performance review, to ask your boss for a promotion in the near future, or to interview for a very responsible, powerful new job.
When you realize it takes Neptune 165 years to circle the Sun, and it takes Saturn twenty-nine years to make the same journey, and Jupiter takes twelve years, you can readily see how hard it is to get these planets together to create a formation of this power and beauty. In life, it's hard to get three busy people together to have dinner!
The full moon this month will be in Aquarius 0 degrees, so if you were born on January 20 or within five days of this date, you will feel the effects of this full moon more than most. A full moon can affect you for four days before or after the day it occurs. This month's full moon will give you an answer on a matter that is dearly important to you - so personal to you that I cannot see what it is from where I sit. Saturn will be in hard angle to the Sun and new moon, so the topic of the day may be your career or an important, close relationship, such as the one you have with your mate or business partner / collaborator. (the sketch project I'm working on with my best friend about our childhood in Downey)
Next month, on August 20, we will have another full moon in Aquarius at 28 degrees. This is a rare occurrence, as we rarely see two full moons in a row that in the same sign. That full moon next month will highlight Aquarians with birthdays of February 17.
Romantically you will do best in the beginning of the month, even though Mercury will be retrograde. Venus will tour Leo, a special spot for you if you are attached, as Venus in Leo will smooth your relationship.
If you are single and hope to meet someone new, or attached and hope to rev up your current relationship, go away over the brilliant weekend of July 6-7, when Venus will be in ideal angle to Uranus, your ruler and planet of surprise. The surprises you experience then will be sweet ones.
I regret to tell you that the Fourth of July, a big holiday in the US, will have some very harsh aspects associated with it - Uranus in hard 90-degree angle to the Sun. This is likely to bring sudden, jarring news out of the blue. If you are not in the US, you may still feel this on July 3 or July 4, because it affects everyone, worldwide. Uranus is based in your short-distance travel sector (third house), and Mercury will still be retrograde, so make sure your car is in good working order. Have a tune-up before you get on the road. It may be alternatively that you and your sibling will have a roaring argument - again, say nothing controversial and try to keep to yourself.
Uranus may have a physical or emotional manifestation on July 3 or July 4 - you may encounter an angry man on July 3-4 (the Sun is always read as "male.") In all, you may want to plan to stay home over Independence Day in the US and go instead over your joyous weekend July 6-7.
Another angry aspect will occur at month's end. On July 31, Mars will taunt Uranus, and again, angry outbursts or mishaps are possible. (Look where you are going, dear Aquarius.) This will be a hard day, so keep your head down and out of the line of fire. Again, your ruler, Uranus, is involved in this aspect, which may affect you more than most.
While we are on the topic of hard days, add July 27, when Saturn will be in hard angle to the Sun, making you feel completely overworked in your career. You may not get along with one of the top partners of the firm either, and although this is a Saturday, you will likely feel the nerve-jangling effects on Friday, July 26, too.
Now, before I leave, I want to tell you about a day, July 29, which some astrologers are raving about. It does have many lovely communications among the planets in a rather rare formation. (Those are called sextiles, 60 degrees apart, denoting opportunity.) They say you will find July 29 even better than July 17-19. I don't believe this is true. I feel you will find July 17-19 stronger because I feel all big days require a new moon to make their energies accessible, or a full moon to enlarge what is on tap - July 29 has neither.
I could be wrong about this, so please come to Twitter on my account @AstrologyZone on August 1, after both these aspects are over, and post a note about which part of the month, July 17 or July 29, was better for you. I would love to get your feedback. When you post, please use the hashtag #July29 (no space) so that others can see your post too, and all the readers who came to my account can be sorted and assembled together in a flash.



Summary
You'll have a lot of projects to complete both at work and at home in July. Keep an eye on the detail, lest an error slip through and spoil the accuracy of the work - and your reputation. You may feel you have to hire recruits, but in that regard, go slowly. Although you will have fantastic luck in finding the perfect candidates for you, keep in mind that Mercury will be retrograde until July 20, so you will have to expect changes and delays. Don't try to speed the slow pace that Mercury will create, for the very delays that you encounter and that will frustrate you will actually work to your favor. The surprising truth is that new and even better options are likely to come up just after Mercury goes direct after three weeks, on July 20.
An intense interest in improving your health and fitness may also come up this month, just after the new moon, July 8. It's the right time to have annual medical and dental exams, for you will be able to find the time and have the motivation to get them all done. You may now turn over a new leaf to better nutrition and to have regular sessions at the gym. Some people make resolutions about health in January, but your important new moon for fitness comes now - use it, see results and start to look and feel better quickly. Jupiter's presence in your sixth house will help you lose weight the right way - and you'll look radiant.
One of the best aspects of the month will occur on July 21, involving a sparkling link from Mars (action) to Jupiter (good fortune), when you may have to go out of town to see a client. You both will be on the same page at this time, so you should be able to forge an agreement quickly.
At the same time of the month, the full moon will be in your sign, Aquarius, on July 22, and will bring something of vital importance to culmination. This full moon will be doubly strong if your birthday falls near January 20. Saturn will be in hard angle to that moon, so you may have to face a certain reality that seems harsh in regard to your career or your closest relationship. Your partner may feel you spend too much time at work, but your boss may feel the opposite way, that you have been valuing your personal life at the expense of your professional commitments. This is a tricky full moon, and there will be no way to avoid this clash of conflicting demands. Open your eyes and ears, and be sympathetic and understanding to those who are upset, and together find a good solution to defuse heightened emotions.
Conflict may occur when Mars challenges Uranus, your ruler, on the last day of the month, July 31. Whatever comes up, it won't be something you expect, so you may be caught off guard. Knowing this might occur, you may need to keep your antenna up for clues if something is amiss. Get others to open up about feelings they've not expressed but that need to be discussed. Earlier in the month, July 3 and July 4 are not your best days either - Uranus will challenge the Sun, and the results are jarring. On both these days, you won't be able to predict where things will go, so you're best to avoid all conflict.
Romantically, your very best days will extend from July 1 to 12, while Mars tours Gemini and your fifth house of true love. At almost the same time, love-planet Venus will tour Leo and your house of marriage and commitment, from July 1 to 22. Lucky you, single or attached, the universe has you covered.
One outstanding day that gets four gold stars: July 7, when Venus and your ruler, Uranus, combine to make a gorgeous, surprising day, especially if you are single, but attached should find this day quite delicious, too.



Dates to Note: Aquarius
Most romantic dates: July 4, 5, 9, 10, 18-19, 22, and 23.
Note, July 22 and dates surrounding this date - the full moon - could bring events that can only be called a wild card - either thrilling or very upsetting.
Work will be hectic. Many new projects will come up after the new moon July 8. You will like the assignments and they will add to your growing reputation.
Saturn goes direct July 7, having been retrograde since February 18.
Mercury will be retrograde until July 21. Look over your work before you hand it in to be sure all work is accurate.
This will be a great month to improve your health and fitness. Begin your new regimen just after July 8.
The full moon in Aquarius will bring a matter to culmination. This full moon will be especially strong for you if you were born near January 20.
Uranus, your ruler, will go retrograde on July 17 until December 17. For now, focus on the projects you have on your desk, and wait until year's end to develop new ones.
A relationship will be your big focus - it appears your long hours at the office have made your partner feel neglected.
Expect a tough day, when ruler Uranus will conflict with Mars, July 31.
Mars will enliven your fifth house of true love from July 1 to July 12, marking your best time to find new love. Venus will tour your house of marriage and commitment from July 1-22
One of your best days for love will be July 7 when Venus and your ruler Uranus will combine forces.
Will you enjoy July 29 above all others, due to the rare configuration of planetary sextiles occurring then? The jury is still out, so I need to hear your experience after the month is over, on August 1. Please compare July 17-19 to July 29 and tell me which day turned out to be the happiest or luckiest time of the month for you. Just go to Twitter (you need only give your email and choose a name for yourself to have an account) and post your experience. Please add hashtag #July29 so we can all see your feedback easily - Twitter will group all the comments together for easy searching.

A Read

My friend Susan read me earlier this evening.  Actually, it was a tarot card reading.  But a reading nonetheless.

I hadn't had a reading since my friend Christine read my cards in January of 2012.  I wanted to do one at the beginning of this year, but never got around to it.  I came over with dinner and we hung out with Susan's daughter until she went to bed.  Then we chatted about life and changes and ways we wanted to progress.  Then she told me that she'd bring out her cards so she could give me a tarot reading.

Susan and I went to grad school together, so she knows me pretty well.  I enjoyed it.  It was great.

The highlights are:

  • I have a lot of passion.  What I'm motivated to do, I'm motivated to do out of passion.
  • I'm blocking myself.  (Many of my cards were inverted)
  • I'm at the end of a cycle.  (There were a lot of Kings in my reading)
  • Some things are stalled and I need to mediate on them.
  • A lot of the reading focused on a new way of doing things.  I would be working in a new way.
  • Even though it feels like things are stalled, things are actually in my favor, but I can't appreciate it.  I don't have that experience.
  • Need to start marketing myself more and sharing more with people when good things happen.  I need to celebrate the good things so I can understand that they are good and so that promotes more good things to happen.
  • Trust my intuition.  I know the path.
  • Think of money as energy, not just as profit.
I have been on a spiritual journey.  Profit is less important to me than this journey.  I would say that is absolutely true.  Since my Dad passed away last year and even before that--with my break up--I have been on a journey.  I have stopped one way of living my life and started working on living a different way.  I have been making 180 degree turns in various areas of my life.  The cards told me that I had more places where I needed to flip the script.  I needed to make even more changes.  

Everything she told me in the reading rang true.  The old way of doing things isn't working and I need to find new ways of working.  In my last reading the phrase was, "The Serpent has outlived its purpose."  Last year, the cards also said that I was in line with my original purpose.  There's no reason I should not achieve what I want to achieve.

And this year, it seems like there is some blockage.  What I have been confronting a lot this year since my Dad died is the idea that I deserve to live the life I imagine for myself.  I tell a story about getting a certificate of accomplishment from the high school I ended up attending that I was in the top one percent of the scorers for the high school entrance exam.  I found the certificate when I was going through my Dad's stuff last year.  I don't remember receiving it.  Not sure if I blocked it or if my parents hid it from me, as to not let me get a big head (as my Dad was fond of saying).

But the truth of the matter is that I haven't lived like one of the top three scorers of this entrance exam.  I've lived like I was just lucky to be invited to the party.  I was hanging out with some friends a couple of weeks ago and I had remarked that I needed to be less entitled.  I had come from a humble background and as an adult I had a very entitled attitude because of my education.  My very close friend Victor just looked at me and said, "I think you need to be MORE entitled.  I don't think you realize how gifted and privileged you are."  That took me back for a moment and I told him that it sounded like a good idea, but an idea I needed to digest a bit.

The cards seem to support this notion.  I have been suffering through a lot of jealousy lately.  Every time I go to Facebook, it seems like status updates are making me cringe with jealousy.  I wasn't aware of my jealous tendencies until recently.  Maybe I wasn't this jealous until recently.  But every time I read that something good has happened for somebody, I get a little pang.  Then I think the thing that one is supposed to think, "Good for them."  But that's not my first instinct.  And it has been such a strong feeling that I feel it's some sort of lesson I need to learn.  And I think it goes back to what I was just talking about.

There's a saying that goes something like this: When something good happens for someone else, that means that goodness is afoot.  Goodness is exponential.  It's just around the corner.  You're surrounded by it.  My friend Susan says it this way (paraphrasing): The rising tide lifts all of the ships.  So instead of thinking that because something good is happening for someone else then there will be less good for me, I should think that goodness is afoot and we're all being lifted up.  I'm in the right ocean.  I'm not in a lake separated by a huge land mass.  I'm not on the opposite side of the country of the world.  I'm in the ocean where the tide is lifting all of these ships.  I'm in the right place and that means goodness is just around the corner. I'm going to start liking people's status updates in earnest.  And more often.

The cards just told me what I already knew.  But I didn't know the cards knew what I knew.  And that was a revelation.

I just need to keep going.  I am heading in the right direction.  The cards from last year and this year made that abundantly clear.  But some patience, mediation and visualizing (which my cards last year suggested as well) will help.  And paying attention to my dreams (which last year's reading told me I should do).  That's where the instinct lives unadulterated.

Time to put these changes into action in my life.  And then see what happens.