When I worked in advertising years ago, I was a project manager. It was our job to keep everyone on schedule. We were the liaisons between all of the departments: creatives, account managers, studio artists, etc. We used to have a saying when work was being handed over to us that wasn't our responsibility: Not my job.
Today, I had two situations happen where I decided to not do what I usually do, which is butt in and make everything my business. I decided that I would just listen to what was going on and not try to fix a problem that was not mine.
First up:
My Mom is having some work done to her house. She had two types of termites and needed to punch a hole in the wall to see where they were. That resulted in a huge mess that involved two contractors and putting up new drywall. It's too long and a painful story to share here, but it involves my little widow of a mother getting ripped off, me going off on a crazy contractor and then doing what I usually do--which is make it all my problem.
So today I get to her house, thinking I'm going to meet with our contractor to go over the job after it has been completed. But when I get there the guys working on the job haven't shown up. I haven't been able to get a hold of the contractor and there's a final thing they need to do so that the exterminator can treat the soil for subterranean termites tomorrow. My mother, who works nights (not like that), had stayed up so she could wait for the guys. But she never found out what time they were coming. She didn't ask them. Also there was a possibility this final part of the job wasn't going to be done in time for the exterminators tomorrow. The details weren't being attended to and that really bugged the fuck out of me. But I decided to take a step back. I did talk to our contractor and let him know what needed to be done and he was perfectly compliant. But I had to realize that no matter what happened, my mother had to be responsible. If the hole they cut out in the floor wasn't big enough, she had to be responsible to coordinate the guys coming back and doing the job before the exterminators came. And if it didn't happen, it didn't happen. And if she spent more money than she should have, then it's her money to spend. I cannot solve all of her problems. And I shouldn't reach to solve all of her problems out of instinct either. It's not my job.
I did all right. But I need to remember to do that more.
Second story:
The Drummer is producing a radio show and I'm helping him with it. He interviews drummers and other musicians and they talk about all things related to drumming. He's great at it and he has a close friend who has been a mother figure to him who originally produced the show with him. But she has a tendency to go MIA whenever he does something she doesn't like. He's dependent on her to book certain guests and it's not happening. Today he calls me and tells me that for the third time she has gone MIA. This is after they had a huge blow out and she walked away from producing the show. Then she felt bad and came back with her tail between her legs, but he decided that she could just be a co-host and not produce. Then I came on board to produce. I have had very clear boundaries about what I will do and won't do. So when he calls me to complain about how she's not being responsive to his texts and emails, I let it go. I told him that he needs to decide what's right for him. I gave him some advice, but I didn't start solving the problem for him. I also avoided the impulse to say, "I told you so." I had the feeling she would do this again. It seemed pretty inevitable, actually. I did let him know that he had a part in it as well and that he needed to be responsible for that. So I butt in a bit. But I really tried to remove myself from the situation.
I like to fix everything. I don't like my own life being disrupted by other people's anxiety. So in order to make myself feel better, I just get involved. My therapist would say that is not the right thing to do. And we've been working over the past year to NOT do that. I'm getting better, although I still try to make everything my job. I wasn't perfect this time, but at least I pressed pause and realized what I was doing. And in both cases, I pulled back my reaction. I can't live my own life if I'm trying to live everyone else's.
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