I started writing this story in novel form today.
It has taken me three years and eight months to get here to a place where I can actually write about this break up and put it in context.
I wrote this blog to start talking about the break up of a relationship I had been in for five years. The first year of this blog is really mainly about that. Some of the details I have forgotten and I intend on going back to this blog to refresh my memory and to (ugh) relive some of this stuff.
My friend Kenchy said to me years ago when I explained to him that I had started to forget how bad it had been that my mind was healing and that's why it was allowing me to forget.
I just wrote five pages today in my office and I feel like I could write more. I'm still uncertain as to how much I am going to fictionalize about this story. I feel like some of the details that I never felt comfortable including in this blog will be in the novel version of this story. I kind of have to put it all out there. Now that my ex is in recovery, I think I feel better about that.
I never wrote about the drugs because I didn't want to tell his story. But as I think he's beginning to tell his own story, I'm more open about it. And I will include that in the novel. I won't be any more explicit about it here.
I'm not sure why today was the day I decided I was ready to write about it. I had thought about it yesterday. And about three weeks ago, I had figured out how I would open the book. So that's what I wrote today. I also read a book that really influenced me. It was a book that's about to be made into a movie and that I had been reading. I had put off reading that book since after my break up. I think I've had a copy of that book for the past three or so years as well.
Maybe that's what it took. I read this book. I realized that I had a story to tell and I decided it was time to tell it. It's like a young kid watching a movie or a play and going, "Hey, I can do that!" That's the thought I had. The writer of this book is very good. He's funny. Notice how I'm not mentioning the title of the book or the author. I don't want to be perceived as copying. It's not really that sort of thing anyway. My story is different from the story of the book. I guess I'm just paranoid. But that was the impetus for me to put this down.
It was after that that I imagined the beginning of the book.
Years ago (probably chronicled in the November 2011 section of this blog) my friend Caitlin had mentioned that she was reading the blog and loving it. She asked me if I was going to do anything with it. It just seemed so soon. I don't think I had an idea that I had anything worth reading. It was raw. It was sad. It was fresh. But somewhere deep down I think I knew that the story wasn't done yet.
People said the same thing to me after my Dad died.
"How are you doing?"
Fine.
"Good. So when are you going to write about this?"
My Ex even asked about that when I ran into him at Gay Pride this year. He told me that I needed to write about my Dad's death. Thanks, but you don't really get a say anymore. I think something in me changed during that conversation. As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I have wanted some sort of friendship or relationship with him for a while. It took me some time to heal and to have some perspective on what had happened. I didn't want to see him for a long time. I couldn't see him for a long time. I needed to stay away. I knew I was still fragile. But when I was ready to make contact, something in me--the healing, forgetting part--felt like I could handle a friendship. But he never wanted that. And in that last interaction we had, I realized that I don't want that either. He's not a very nice person. He's generous. He's gregarious. He's a great host. But he's not kind. He wasn't cruel in the conversation we had, although I know how cruel he really can be. He probably doesn't care enough to be cruel to me. His cruelty was built on the foundation of the love and vulnerability I had with him.
The epiphany I had in that conversation was that there would be no friendship. So I guess that really set me free to start thinking about this book.
The other story of this book IS my Dad's death. His illness leading up to his death. His death and then the healing that has happened since. The book isn't just the break up. The book isn't just about my Dad dying. Both stories are linked. They are a part of my journey and healing process. Both are about putting a certain feeling about myself to bed. And I like how both stories weave in and out a bit.
So I start this journey. I started this journey with five pages this afternoon.
It will also give me the chance to go back and read what I have written. I have the best notes.
I am grateful for this journey.
I am grateful for the record of this story.
I am grateful for friends who have helped me through this.
