In my conversation with the boyfriend today, I realized that certain patterns still exist. My tarot card reading last month said that I'm still playing out past relationships.
The boyfriend said that we might break up if I move away for a job.
The boyfriend said that he has to work hard to pay for what we have.
The Ex used to say these things all of the time.
I wonder if I have to look at this stuff again, both my involvement and my ability to keep revisiting the same issues.
I thought I chose differently this time and now I'm having doubts.
My tarot reading also said that I have to be firm in my belief that I'm good enough and I have to be strong in my own self confidence.
That conversation made me really firm in what I want for myself.
I am going to progress full steam ahead, knowing that I am not planning on letting my relationship go. But as the reading also said, I have done everything I can for this relationship in terms of my love for it. The rest is not up to me.
I have given myself fully to him. And that has to be enough.
If it's not enough for him, then that's on him. I know that I love him. I know that my love for him has not wavered.
I get frustrated. I get insecure. But my love for him is strong. As strong as it has always been.
I am letting go of that responsibility. If life brings me an opportunity that is right for me and it is out of town, I am going out of town. He would not hesitate if a great opportunity came for him. It's a double standard. And I'm not going to be bound by his double standard. He would go for it because he believes he deserves it and because he's a musician and that's what musicians do.
I wish he felt the same about writers.
I am grateful for the opportunities that have come my way.
I am grateful for an open mind and an open heart.
I am grateful that I am learning new things about myself every day.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
Push/Pull
In my last relationship, whenever something good would happen to me or whenever I felt I was making a stride in a particular area of my life, something would happen in my relationship to pull me back.
I don't feel that same push/pull as strongly with The Drummer, but…
I had two great things happen to me yesterday. I had a great meeting with an actor I met on a shoot for a friend's web series who is interested in putting together an evening of theatre and might want to use something I've written. And then I got what seems to be an offer from Portland to come up and do a workshop with their students.
I shared this information with my boyfriend. I should back up. I came home wanting to share that with the boyfriend, but he was in the middle of getting set up for a songwriting and recording session. He was stressed, he was trying to get things together, and he was seemingly ignoring me. I didn't feel it was the right time to launch into my news, partially because I knew I wouldn't get the reception I wanted. So I waited after he finished and we went outside for a cigarette.
Then I shared the news about the Portland gig with him. He then started talking about how that means I'm going to move there and that my brother must be excited because I'm going to move there and on and on. But I'm not moving there yet, I tried to explain to him. But I saw it. I saw him start to make the separation real.
The truth is that I have been applying for jobs out of state because there doesn't seem to be anything here for me and I need to start looking at other options.
So last night the guys worked. But the boyfriend was keeping his distance. And this morning I got up and he seemed to be disturbed that I was getting up to work out. Actually, I didn't realize he was bugged out until I got back. I asked him if he was up to anything later before his gig. He asked me "Why?" I started to get the sense that there was something going on. And my feelings started to get hurt. So I opened up the conversation:
"I feel like you're starting to make the separation as if I'm moving to Portland for sure when nothing has happened yet."
"It's going to happen."
"I don't know that yet."
"But you're putting energy behind it. It's going to happen."
And then he said something devastating: He said that if I moved to Portland and was gone for eight months out of the year that for sure we would break up.
That sounded familiar. I feel like I'm in a Big/Petrofsky situation. The Ex used to say that if I moved out of town for a job we would break up for sure. So I never entertained the idea. The Drummer waited until the ball was rolling to express his concerns when the whole time I've been applying for jobs out of town - the past several months - he's been saying that I need to go where the opportunities are. That has been what he has said our entire relationship. That gave me comfort and made me feel that we would be willing to work something out if we needed to go long distance. That's not what he's saying now. He's saying pretty much what the Ex used to say. At least the Ex let me know where he stood from the get go instead of saying the "right thing" - the thing you're supposed to say.
And I fell apart. I understand the stress and strain of a long distance relationship. But I don't want to say good bye before it's time to say good bye. Is our relationship dying?
I'm grateful The Drummer finally had the balls to say what was in his heart.
I'm grateful that I am in a different place now and that I know what I need to do.
I'm grateful for what we have. And I'm not putting it into the past tense.
I'm grateful that I want to live in the now and that I said what I needed to say to him without fear and without reservation.
I am grateful that I am a different person now than I was three years ago and it shows.
I don't feel that same push/pull as strongly with The Drummer, but…
I had two great things happen to me yesterday. I had a great meeting with an actor I met on a shoot for a friend's web series who is interested in putting together an evening of theatre and might want to use something I've written. And then I got what seems to be an offer from Portland to come up and do a workshop with their students.
I shared this information with my boyfriend. I should back up. I came home wanting to share that with the boyfriend, but he was in the middle of getting set up for a songwriting and recording session. He was stressed, he was trying to get things together, and he was seemingly ignoring me. I didn't feel it was the right time to launch into my news, partially because I knew I wouldn't get the reception I wanted. So I waited after he finished and we went outside for a cigarette.
Then I shared the news about the Portland gig with him. He then started talking about how that means I'm going to move there and that my brother must be excited because I'm going to move there and on and on. But I'm not moving there yet, I tried to explain to him. But I saw it. I saw him start to make the separation real.
The truth is that I have been applying for jobs out of state because there doesn't seem to be anything here for me and I need to start looking at other options.
So last night the guys worked. But the boyfriend was keeping his distance. And this morning I got up and he seemed to be disturbed that I was getting up to work out. Actually, I didn't realize he was bugged out until I got back. I asked him if he was up to anything later before his gig. He asked me "Why?" I started to get the sense that there was something going on. And my feelings started to get hurt. So I opened up the conversation:
"I feel like you're starting to make the separation as if I'm moving to Portland for sure when nothing has happened yet."
"It's going to happen."
"I don't know that yet."
"But you're putting energy behind it. It's going to happen."
And then he said something devastating: He said that if I moved to Portland and was gone for eight months out of the year that for sure we would break up.
That sounded familiar. I feel like I'm in a Big/Petrofsky situation. The Ex used to say that if I moved out of town for a job we would break up for sure. So I never entertained the idea. The Drummer waited until the ball was rolling to express his concerns when the whole time I've been applying for jobs out of town - the past several months - he's been saying that I need to go where the opportunities are. That has been what he has said our entire relationship. That gave me comfort and made me feel that we would be willing to work something out if we needed to go long distance. That's not what he's saying now. He's saying pretty much what the Ex used to say. At least the Ex let me know where he stood from the get go instead of saying the "right thing" - the thing you're supposed to say.
And I fell apart. I understand the stress and strain of a long distance relationship. But I don't want to say good bye before it's time to say good bye. Is our relationship dying?
I'm grateful The Drummer finally had the balls to say what was in his heart.
I'm grateful that I am in a different place now and that I know what I need to do.
I'm grateful for what we have. And I'm not putting it into the past tense.
I'm grateful that I want to live in the now and that I said what I needed to say to him without fear and without reservation.
I am grateful that I am a different person now than I was three years ago and it shows.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Pulling Back
It's struggle…saying no.
It always has been. I like doing things. It's a distraction, not working on my own stuff to help out other people. And sometimes it's a welcome distraction. Playwriting is hard.
So I like to occupy my time and my personal space with other people's stuff. But then what happens? There's no room for my stuff.
My friend Dave told me that I need to do something whenever I feel like I need to give an opinion or to control or to boss around.
Don't.
Yeah, that was the elaborate advice. But it's the most succinct and impactful.
JUST DON'T IT.
JUST DON'T.
I'm grateful for Dave.
I'm grateful for letting go.
I'm grateful for new ways of seeing my life.
I'm grateful for growth.
It always has been. I like doing things. It's a distraction, not working on my own stuff to help out other people. And sometimes it's a welcome distraction. Playwriting is hard.
So I like to occupy my time and my personal space with other people's stuff. But then what happens? There's no room for my stuff.
My friend Dave told me that I need to do something whenever I feel like I need to give an opinion or to control or to boss around.
Don't.
Yeah, that was the elaborate advice. But it's the most succinct and impactful.
JUST DON'T IT.
JUST DON'T.
I'm grateful for Dave.
I'm grateful for letting go.
I'm grateful for new ways of seeing my life.
I'm grateful for growth.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Disappointments: What Do You Do?
I found out I'm not up for a job I really wanted.
First Reaction: It's Okay.
That's the mature reaction. Because we all understand that's the mature reaction. And I agree for the most part. I want to move on.
Second Reaction: But I Really Wanted It and I would have been great
True. I have to acknowledge that it's a disappointment and not just brush that under the rug.
Third Reaction: Let's Eat. Or let's go find attention. Or let's smoke. Or let's drink.
I actually am thinking of going to a spa and reading How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life by the Dalai Lama. I'm feeling a need for peace and quiet and reflection. But maybe I'll go to the park next store to see what that brings up for me. Then maybe I'll go to the spa. Am I just going to the spa to look at naked bodies? Maybe. That will make me feel better. But if I'm looking for reflection and quiet, let me try that without the nudity first.
And if I need the nudity to make me feel better later, then fine.
But I just want to get back to It's Okay after considering all of the other options.
I'm grateful for reflection.
I'm grateful that I know my worth and that it's not defined by this.
I'm grateful that there's more and greater things ahead.
First Reaction: It's Okay.
That's the mature reaction. Because we all understand that's the mature reaction. And I agree for the most part. I want to move on.
Second Reaction: But I Really Wanted It and I would have been great
True. I have to acknowledge that it's a disappointment and not just brush that under the rug.
Third Reaction: Let's Eat. Or let's go find attention. Or let's smoke. Or let's drink.
I actually am thinking of going to a spa and reading How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life by the Dalai Lama. I'm feeling a need for peace and quiet and reflection. But maybe I'll go to the park next store to see what that brings up for me. Then maybe I'll go to the spa. Am I just going to the spa to look at naked bodies? Maybe. That will make me feel better. But if I'm looking for reflection and quiet, let me try that without the nudity first.
And if I need the nudity to make me feel better later, then fine.
But I just want to get back to It's Okay after considering all of the other options.
I'm grateful for reflection.
I'm grateful that I know my worth and that it's not defined by this.
I'm grateful that there's more and greater things ahead.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Working Towards Quiet
My friend Dave and I had coffee last night. In addition to all of the wonderful things he said about my spiritual growth, he mentioned that I needed to start meditating.
This is not the first time I have heard this.
Susan mentioned months ago that I need to start meditating.
So I decided to try something. I have combined my running and mediation together. As you can read from the following:
There's more. That's just a sampling.
I have a hard time sitting still and meditating, so I decided that I could run and have a mantra while running. That seemed cool. And I still do it and I love it. And I have already started driving without the radio. Quiet is something I am more and more comfortable with. I go to the Korean spa when I want stillness. Stillness with a side of naked guys and jacuzzi bubbles. I'm getting there, right?
But Dave challenged me to really try and sit still. Ugh! Zen Meditation, he said.
Okay, but how do I do that? Then I remembered that a professor in college had us show up and do a mediation three days a week as a part of our course work. That was his requirement.
So you know how to do it, Dave said. I guess I do. He suggested reading "How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life" by the Dalai Lama.
Okay, I just checked out the book from the library. Maybe I'll go to the Korean spa later and sit down and read it.
I have to start somewhere.
I am grateful for a guide to mediation.
I am grateful that I am letting go of my fear around mediation.
Letting Go…Again
A phrase in my tarot reading last week kept jumping out at me and I haven't not been able to figure out exactly what it means…
You need to let go of a certain vision of a relationship as the only way you can be happy.
Until last night.
Understandably, I immediately thought of my relationship with The Drummer. I have this idea that one person needs to be the pusher and the other person should be softer and more compliant. This idea of a relationship goes back to my parents and it's the way I was raised. And knowing that "the serpent has outlived its purpose" it makes sense that I need to let go of that kind of relationship. But that's not the whole story.
My friend Dave, who has been a spiritual adviser for me since I was fifteen, came through town last night and we got together for coffee. I filled him in on what has been going on with me. I mentioned that I had been struggling. Ever since my Dad died, I feel like I have held onto him. When he was alive, he did not get along. But since his death, I have been acting a lot more like him than I ever expected. I have been short with people, gruff, pointed and poking my nose in business where it doesn't belong. I told Dave that I had been struggling with this notion I have in my head that those qualities are all I have left of my Dad and if I let them go, then I have to let him go. I got teary.
Dave leaned in and said, "And if you let that go, then who are you? You don't know who you are without that relationship. But you have to let go of your old self in order for your new self to emerge."
Yes.
Then that phrase popped into my head:
You need to let go of a certain vision of a relationship as the only way you can be happy.
That's it. I have a relationship with myself that I need to let go of. And it relates to letting go of the negative messages I tell myself.
My Father was so negative and so much of that seeped into my consciousness. I have to let it go. I have to let him go.
Later, the Drummer and I recapped the conversation with Dave. He said that he never remembers me saying one positive thing about my Dad when he was alive. True.
Dave said that I need to find small ways to let go of my need to meddle and judge. I don't have to let go all at once. But I need to find daily ways, a daily practice of sorts, to let go. By that time, the Drummer had joined us and I looked over at him. I told Dave that the Drummer has become my teacher. Because a lot of my passion to tell people what they should be doing with their lives is about the Drummer. Because he's the person I have such profound love for. And I tell myself that I'm just hard on him because I love him so much.
The Drummer mentioned to me months ago that I talk about my Dad a lot. This was after Dad had died. I remember being so ticked off. How could he be so insensitive? Of course I talk about my Dad a lot! He had recently died! And I think my relationship to my parents is so foreign to the Drummer. But I need to talk about Dad because that's the relationship that has defined me for most of my life. Really until recently. I was working through it a lot then and I'm still working through it a lot now. But until Dave had so concisely stated it…really, who am I without that relationship? I hadn't put it together in such succinct terms.
And that's the relationship I need to redefine. The one with myself.
As my favorite TV show philosopher said ten years ago…
"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."
I am a Carrie after all.
I am grateful to Dave for encapsulating that message for me.
I am grateful that Dave has been in my life for the past 25 years.
I am grateful that I figured that message out from my tarot card reading.
I am grateful that I can start living that and letting my old self die so my new self can emerge.
You need to let go of a certain vision of a relationship as the only way you can be happy.
Until last night.
Understandably, I immediately thought of my relationship with The Drummer. I have this idea that one person needs to be the pusher and the other person should be softer and more compliant. This idea of a relationship goes back to my parents and it's the way I was raised. And knowing that "the serpent has outlived its purpose" it makes sense that I need to let go of that kind of relationship. But that's not the whole story.
My friend Dave, who has been a spiritual adviser for me since I was fifteen, came through town last night and we got together for coffee. I filled him in on what has been going on with me. I mentioned that I had been struggling. Ever since my Dad died, I feel like I have held onto him. When he was alive, he did not get along. But since his death, I have been acting a lot more like him than I ever expected. I have been short with people, gruff, pointed and poking my nose in business where it doesn't belong. I told Dave that I had been struggling with this notion I have in my head that those qualities are all I have left of my Dad and if I let them go, then I have to let him go. I got teary.
Dave leaned in and said, "And if you let that go, then who are you? You don't know who you are without that relationship. But you have to let go of your old self in order for your new self to emerge."
Yes.
Then that phrase popped into my head:
You need to let go of a certain vision of a relationship as the only way you can be happy.
That's it. I have a relationship with myself that I need to let go of. And it relates to letting go of the negative messages I tell myself.
My Father was so negative and so much of that seeped into my consciousness. I have to let it go. I have to let him go.
Later, the Drummer and I recapped the conversation with Dave. He said that he never remembers me saying one positive thing about my Dad when he was alive. True.
Dave said that I need to find small ways to let go of my need to meddle and judge. I don't have to let go all at once. But I need to find daily ways, a daily practice of sorts, to let go. By that time, the Drummer had joined us and I looked over at him. I told Dave that the Drummer has become my teacher. Because a lot of my passion to tell people what they should be doing with their lives is about the Drummer. Because he's the person I have such profound love for. And I tell myself that I'm just hard on him because I love him so much.
The Drummer mentioned to me months ago that I talk about my Dad a lot. This was after Dad had died. I remember being so ticked off. How could he be so insensitive? Of course I talk about my Dad a lot! He had recently died! And I think my relationship to my parents is so foreign to the Drummer. But I need to talk about Dad because that's the relationship that has defined me for most of my life. Really until recently. I was working through it a lot then and I'm still working through it a lot now. But until Dave had so concisely stated it…really, who am I without that relationship? I hadn't put it together in such succinct terms.
And that's the relationship I need to redefine. The one with myself.
As my favorite TV show philosopher said ten years ago…
"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."
I am a Carrie after all.
I am grateful to Dave for encapsulating that message for me.
I am grateful that Dave has been in my life for the past 25 years.
I am grateful that I figured that message out from my tarot card reading.
I am grateful that I can start living that and letting my old self die so my new self can emerge.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Plug: Creativity in Real Time
I'm grateful to have two blogs.
I'm grateful to have a blog where I can express my creative impulses.
I'm grateful that I can explore another side of myself.
Check out my OTHER blog, folks.
I feel like this blog gets traffic whenever I post something. So I want to invite you to check out my creativity blog. Both blogs are obsessed with gratitude right now.
I'm grateful that I'm open enough to see what the world has in store for me.
I'm grateful to truly be BACK.
Systems: Losing Ten Pounds
I was 190 pounds at my heaviest last year.
The heaviest I had ever been.
My friends said they didn't notice.
They are either lying or my father was right when he said that I
could carry my weight better as an Oriental because
we had lighter bones.
I felt different.
It didn't matter what other people said.
I felt sluggish.
I could feel my stomach stretching.
I felt uncomfortable.
So I did a few things:
I tried to stop drinking my calories as much.
I tried to not eat as late and as heavy.
I exercised, but I always exercised.
Exercise wasn't making the difference
because
I love to eat!
So I had to adjust portions a bit,
but more importantly for me,
I had to
eat better.
So here's my goal with my weight in 2014:
Lose ten pounds to get my weight down to 165.
Yes, I could say that I want a six pack
or
I want to fit into smaller pants
or
that I want more guys to check me out
or
any list of things.
But if I set up some systems to lose this weight
I will reach more positive goals
than
if I just say I want to lose ten pounds.
It's limiting.
Setting up a system to accomplish this goal
and countless others
I haven't even thought of
is a much better plan.
So here's what I can do to accomplish that goal
(which I'm going to stop mentioning it so that I don't limit myself to just that goal):
The heaviest I had ever been.
My friends said they didn't notice.
They are either lying or my father was right when he said that I
could carry my weight better as an Oriental because
we had lighter bones.
I felt different.
It didn't matter what other people said.
I felt sluggish.
I could feel my stomach stretching.
I felt uncomfortable.
So I did a few things:
I tried to stop drinking my calories as much.
I tried to not eat as late and as heavy.
I exercised, but I always exercised.
Exercise wasn't making the difference
because
I love to eat!
So I had to adjust portions a bit,
but more importantly for me,
I had to
eat better.
So here's my goal with my weight in 2014:
Lose ten pounds to get my weight down to 165.
Yes, I could say that I want a six pack
or
I want to fit into smaller pants
or
that I want more guys to check me out
or
any list of things.
But if I set up some systems to lose this weight
I will reach more positive goals
than
if I just say I want to lose ten pounds.
It's limiting.
Setting up a system to accomplish this goal
and countless others
I haven't even thought of
is a much better plan.
So here's what I can do to accomplish that goal
(which I'm going to stop mentioning it so that I don't limit myself to just that goal):
- More grains like quinoa and oats into my diet.
- Legumes, more protein in general.
- No late night eating.
- No soda (we just got a soda stream, so I'm going to use that to make club soda and flavor it)
- If I do have a little soda, use the soda stream because it's no high frutose corn syrup.
- Vodka, no beer if I drink.
- No preservatives.
- More water.
- Exercise five times a week. That can be anything. Running or weights.
- Meditation every day (this includes running).
- Sleep. At least eight hours. Earlier if I can too.
I am grateful that I can make these changes to improve my mental and physical health.
I am grateful that I can engage my brain in these activities to keep it active as well.
I am grateful that I am realizing this now to maximize the benefits of living this way.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
More Gratitude: I'm Glad I'm Living the Life I Want to be Living
DISCLAIMER: That doesn't mean I have all the money and resources I want.
But I'm in a place where I feel motivated and connected to positive energy.
I've got an amazing boyfriend who is kind, supportive, fun, sexy, an artist himself and a good egg. We work together to support each other.
And I'm working on my writing every day. I'm either:
- Writing
- Reading plays for enrichment
- Reading plays for money
- Watching TV for research
- Reading books for research
- Watching films for research
- Watching documentaries for research
- Running to meditate
- Working out to clear my head
- Talking about writing and art and movies and documentaries with other like-minded, connected people. And I don't mean connected in terms of networking (although I'm doing a lot of that), but people who are connected to their path.
I'm getting deeper connected to the life I want to live, which means I'm surrounded by people who are on that path. My world is opening up in ways that it needs to be opened up.
I'm very grateful for that.
Today's Gratitude: Boys, Art, Beers and Camouflage
When I told my boyfriend I was going to be an extra as a gay pool party guest for a friend's web series, I'm sure he had his doubts.
There he goes again…
I just finished a new draft of a play of mine, which I was trying to do a reading of. I sent an email to my director Casey, trying to set up a time in February to make that happen. In her reply, she mentioned that she was shooting a web series and needed some pool partygoers in the background. Would I be interested?
Oh sure, I thought. Anything to help out a friend out.
When I got to "set", which was a house in the Valley, I got settled (i.e. got on my phone) since I was the first one there. Then the guys started marching in. One after another--chiseled, young and (in one particular case very) hung. Okay, so I was definitely the writer friend who was doing the director a big huge favor. It was then I realized that my week long fast wasn't going to help me out.
Just kidding. I am not the fasting type. But still, I was intimidated. So I decided to do what I normally do in this situation…get loud, funny and brown. Well, I'm always brown, but I browned it up. (I don't know what that means…see? My nerves are still fried from the whole experience)
But a few great things happened because I just said YES to helping a friend out:
There he goes again…
I just finished a new draft of a play of mine, which I was trying to do a reading of. I sent an email to my director Casey, trying to set up a time in February to make that happen. In her reply, she mentioned that she was shooting a web series and needed some pool partygoers in the background. Would I be interested?
Oh sure, I thought. Anything to help out a friend out.
When I got to "set", which was a house in the Valley, I got settled (i.e. got on my phone) since I was the first one there. Then the guys started marching in. One after another--chiseled, young and (in one particular case very) hung. Okay, so I was definitely the writer friend who was doing the director a big huge favor. It was then I realized that my week long fast wasn't going to help me out.
Just kidding. I am not the fasting type. But still, I was intimidated. So I decided to do what I normally do in this situation…get loud, funny and brown. Well, I'm always brown, but I browned it up. (I don't know what that means…see? My nerves are still fried from the whole experience)
But a few great things happened because I just said YES to helping a friend out:
- I had a great conversation with a pilates instructor in a black speedo with a scorpion tattoo (I feel like I need more. It's lonely) about saying YES in 2014. I shared with him that my friend Caitlin had given me the same advice over three years ago when I started this blog and broke up from my ex.
- I got a back rub from a very sweet (and totally hot) guy in a camouflage speedo. It was for art!
- I caught up with a great friend and actor who I'm dying to work with again.
- I met an actor/director who is looking for plays for an evening of site-specfic theatre he's putting together. We're going to try and have coffee soon.
- I met another actor who teaches at Pepperdine. This is significant because the boyfriend just mentioned that I should try to reach out to local universities about teaching and one of the schools he mentioned casually was Pepperdine. Thanks, Universe!
- Casey and I talked about the plays we're working on together and I mentioned to her a play reading I'll need a director for in May. And we reiterated that we needed to get this other reading together.
- I connected with the lead actress, who happens to know a friend of mine.
- I had two beers.
- I helped a friend out.
- I spent the day talking about the things I'm working on and connecting with people who are serious about their art.
Great day. Oh…and I got some color. Browner than ever!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
What I am Grateful For
I'm lucky.
I have love in my life.
My best friend Alanna thinks my new play is amazing and that it represents something new for me.
My boyfriend accepts me and thinks I'm worth it, despite me being bossy and demanding.
I have kindness and understanding in my life.
My friend Susan does my tarot cards and helps me figure out where the work needs to be done.
I have a niece that lights up whenever we're together or on Skype or on the phone.
I have a nephew who loves playing with me.
I make them laugh.
I make all of my friends laugh.
I lost 15 pounds last year.
I have a roof over my head.
And money in my pocket.
I am a talented writer.
I graduated from NYU on a full scholarship.
I studied with Erik Ehn as my very first playwriting professor.
I have had people in my life who believe in me, including (but not limited to):
Erik Ehn
Arthur Kopit
Martin Epstein
Richard Wesley
Len Jenkin
Wendy Wasserstein
Tina Howe
Carolyn Silberman
David Popalisky
Ken Hanes
Craig Grella
Caitlin Foito
Jen Berman
I have a large and growing number of students who have enriched my life and who I have touched.
I have a big heart.
I have good hair.
I have real ability, writing talent.
I can cook my ass off.
I took care of my father when he was dying and when he died we didn't have any unresolved issues.
I am grateful for the time taking care of him.
I am grateful for going to bed with the same man every night who holds me and who I hold.
I am respected.
I am cared for.
I am well regarded.
I have a computer that I go to every day and write on.
I am grateful for words, for intentions and for epiphanies.
I am learning great things about myself every day.
I am grateful that I have let the past three years be my teacher and that I continue to let time teach me the things I need to live a great, big, boundless life.
I have love in my life.
My best friend Alanna thinks my new play is amazing and that it represents something new for me.
My boyfriend accepts me and thinks I'm worth it, despite me being bossy and demanding.
I have kindness and understanding in my life.
My friend Susan does my tarot cards and helps me figure out where the work needs to be done.
I have a niece that lights up whenever we're together or on Skype or on the phone.
I have a nephew who loves playing with me.
I make them laugh.
I make all of my friends laugh.
I lost 15 pounds last year.
I have a roof over my head.
And money in my pocket.
I am a talented writer.
I graduated from NYU on a full scholarship.
I studied with Erik Ehn as my very first playwriting professor.
I have had people in my life who believe in me, including (but not limited to):
Erik Ehn
Arthur Kopit
Martin Epstein
Richard Wesley
Len Jenkin
Wendy Wasserstein
Tina Howe
Carolyn Silberman
David Popalisky
Ken Hanes
Craig Grella
Caitlin Foito
Jen Berman
I have a large and growing number of students who have enriched my life and who I have touched.
I have a big heart.
I have good hair.
I have real ability, writing talent.
I can cook my ass off.
I took care of my father when he was dying and when he died we didn't have any unresolved issues.
I am grateful for the time taking care of him.
I am grateful for going to bed with the same man every night who holds me and who I hold.
I am respected.
I am cared for.
I am well regarded.
I have a computer that I go to every day and write on.
I am grateful for words, for intentions and for epiphanies.
I am learning great things about myself every day.
I am grateful that I have let the past three years be my teacher and that I continue to let time teach me the things I need to live a great, big, boundless life.
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