Letting Go…Again

A phrase in my tarot reading last week kept jumping out at me and I haven't not been able to figure out exactly what it means…

You need to let go of a certain vision of a relationship as the only way you can be happy.

Until last night.

Understandably, I immediately thought of my relationship with The Drummer.  I have this idea that one person needs to be the pusher and the other person should be softer and more compliant.  This idea of a relationship goes back to my parents and it's the way I was raised.  And knowing that "the serpent has outlived its purpose" it makes sense that I need to let go of that kind of relationship.  But that's not the whole story.

My friend Dave, who has been a spiritual adviser for me since I was fifteen, came through town last night and we got together for coffee.  I filled him in on what has been going on with me.  I mentioned that I had been struggling.  Ever since my Dad died, I feel like I have held onto him.  When he was alive, he did not get along.  But since his death, I have been acting a lot more like him than I ever expected.  I have been short with people, gruff, pointed and poking my nose in business where it doesn't belong.  I told Dave that I had been struggling with this notion I have in my head that those qualities are all I have left of my Dad and if I let them go, then I have to let him go.  I got teary.

Dave leaned in and said, "And if you let that go, then who are you?  You don't know who you are without that relationship.  But you have to let go of your old self in order for your new self to emerge."

Yes.

Then that phrase popped into my head:

You need to let go of a certain vision of a relationship as the only way you can be happy.

That's it.  I have a relationship with myself that I need to let go of.  And it relates to letting go of the negative messages I tell myself.

My Father was so negative and so much of that seeped into my consciousness.  I have to let it go.  I have to let him go.

Later, the Drummer and I recapped the conversation with Dave.  He said that he never remembers me saying one positive thing about my Dad when he was alive.  True.

Dave said that I need to find small ways to let go of my need to meddle and judge.  I don't have to let go all at once.  But I need to find daily ways, a daily practice of sorts, to let go.  By that time, the Drummer had joined us and I looked over at him.  I told Dave that the Drummer has become my teacher.  Because a lot of my passion to tell people what they should be doing with their lives is about the Drummer.  Because he's the person I have such profound love for.  And I tell myself that I'm just hard on him because I love him so much.

The Drummer mentioned to me months ago that I talk about my Dad a lot. This was after Dad had died.  I remember being so ticked off.  How could he be so insensitive?  Of course I talk about my Dad a lot!  He had recently died!  And I think my relationship to my parents is so foreign to the Drummer.  But I need to talk about Dad because that's the relationship that has defined me for most of my life.  Really until recently.  I was working through it a lot then and I'm still working through it a lot now.  But until Dave had so concisely stated it…really, who am I without that relationship?  I hadn't put it together in such succinct terms.

And that's the relationship I need to redefine.  The one with myself.

As my favorite TV show philosopher said ten years ago…

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.  And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."

I am a Carrie after all.

I am grateful to Dave for encapsulating that message for me.
I am grateful that Dave has been in my life for the past 25 years.
I am grateful that I figured that message out from my tarot card reading.
I am grateful that I can start living that and letting my old self die so my new self can emerge.