Push/Pull

In my last relationship, whenever something good would happen to me or whenever I felt I was making a stride in a particular area of my life, something would happen in my relationship to pull me back.

I don't feel that same push/pull as strongly with The Drummer, but…

I had two great things happen to me yesterday.  I had a great meeting with an actor I met on a shoot for a friend's web series who is interested in putting together an evening of theatre and might want to use something I've written.  And then I got what seems to be an offer from Portland to come up and do a workshop with their students.

I shared this information with my boyfriend.  I should back up.  I came home wanting to share that with the boyfriend, but he was in the middle of getting set up for a songwriting and recording session.  He was stressed, he was trying to get things together, and he was seemingly ignoring me.  I didn't feel it was the right time to launch into my news, partially because I knew I wouldn't get the reception I wanted.  So I waited after he finished and we went outside for a cigarette.

Then I shared the news about the Portland gig with him.  He then started talking about how that means I'm going to move there and that my brother must be excited because I'm going to move there and on and on.  But I'm not moving there yet, I tried to explain to him.  But I saw it.  I saw him start to make the separation real.

The truth is that I have been applying for jobs out of state because there doesn't seem to be anything here for me and I need to start looking at other options.

So last night the guys worked.  But the boyfriend was keeping his distance.  And this morning I got up and he seemed to be disturbed that I was getting up to work out.  Actually, I didn't realize he was bugged out until I got back.  I asked him if he was up to anything later before his gig.  He asked me "Why?"  I started to get the sense that there was something going on.  And my feelings started to get hurt.  So I opened up the conversation:

"I feel like you're starting to make the separation as if I'm moving to Portland for sure when nothing has happened yet."

"It's going to happen."

"I don't know that yet."

"But you're putting energy behind it.  It's going to happen."

And then he said something devastating: He said that if I moved to Portland and was gone for eight months out of the year that for sure we would break up.

That sounded familiar.  I feel like I'm in a Big/Petrofsky situation.  The Ex used to say that if I moved out of town for a job we would break up for sure.  So I never entertained the idea.  The Drummer waited until the ball was rolling to express his concerns when the whole time I've been applying for jobs out of town - the past several months - he's been saying that I need to go where the opportunities are.  That has been what he has said our entire relationship.  That gave me comfort and made me feel that we would be willing to work something out if we needed to go long distance. That's not what he's saying now.  He's saying pretty much what the Ex used to say.  At least the Ex let me know where he stood from the get go instead of saying the "right thing" - the thing you're supposed to say.

And I fell apart.  I understand the stress and strain of a long distance relationship.  But I don't want to say good bye before it's time to say good bye.  Is our relationship dying?

I'm grateful The Drummer finally had the balls to say what was in his heart.
I'm grateful that I am in a different place now and that I know what I need to do.
I'm grateful for what we have.  And I'm not putting it into the past tense.  
I'm grateful that I want to live in the now and that I said what I needed to say to him without fear and without reservation.
I am grateful that I am a different person now than I was three years ago and it shows.