Another tarot card reading. I have to say that it's pretty splendid that my friend Susan does these readings with me. It's incredibly generous and wonderful. I'm really lucky to have a friend that wants to open up these doors for me.
I had an incredible amount of energy and openness going into this reading. And from what came out of it, I can see that it had an effect.
Susan had me first pick out a card from a deck of cards a friend made for her. My card read:
TWIST THE SPINE
We looked at each other, trying to figure out what that could possibly mean. It certainly means to turn around and look at what's happening around you. It means that not everything can be seen from one vantage point. But I also think it means that my spine is my alignment and my foundation and although I shouldn't break my back, I should twist my perspective. More on this as the reading continues.
I had to cut the cards a few times because the cards kept jumping out of Susan's hands. Or I would cut and it would be a cut where more cards would fall out. The cards were definitely jumping at the chance to speak. They had a lot to say. And it was all right on.
5 of Wands (where I am): this card said that others want what I have, they want to be where I am. It also says that my boyfriend and I don't feel like we have enough time together to connect because of work.
I definitely feel this way, in terms of not having enough time with my boyfriend. I feel like we aren't totally connected right now because we're both working hard. He's working on his music and I'm working on my writing and we're trying to be focused on that. But we aren't making time for one another. And I didn't immediately feel that others want what I have. I have been dealing with a lot of jealousy lately, so I kind of feel the opposite. But this is another card that is letting me know what my experience of what things are isn't what they are. I don't get that I'm in a coveted position of being someone who has actually made traction in Hollywood. I'm always the person who feels like a failure. This card is a reminder that others want what I have and I need to be protective of my position. And I do have a position.
Page (Daughter) of Cups (atmosphere): I'm at the right place at the right time. There are new ideas around me.
Not much to say about this. I like it. And I do have that sense that I'm exactly where I should be and based on my last reading, I'm trying to do things in new ways. I'm trying to change the patterns in my life. NOTE: Aspects of this reading are the same as the last one, which means I'm still working things through.
Hanged Man (lesson of the cycle I'm in): I need to change my perception of the way things are and let go of negative beliefs.
At this point in the reading, I know that's true. But I don't know what those negative beliefs are. I feel like I'm positively trying to move forward. I agree with what's being said, so I decide to keep listening.
Justice (foundation card): I have a sense of fairness. I'm weighing all of the factors. My role is to keep harmony in the family. But what happens when you give that up? Even though you want life to be fair, it isn't fair and I don't need to bear the burden of trying to make it that way. This is in regards to both my Mom and my boyfriend, who are the same person.
This is where it got deep. This card is about deep seated beliefs that I hold. It's about my deep past, not just about certain beliefs I have. But this is fundamental stuff. And this is the point in the reading where we really took time to talk. Just as I said one card ago that I didn't know what the negative beliefs in my life are that are holding me back...this is where it gets clear. I do believe it's my role in the family to correct everyone's wrongs and make sure that things work out for them. I have guilt about so many things working out well for me for a large portion of my life that I am trying to reset everyone else. But as Susan reminded me, I spend so much time trying to correct everyone else and make things fair for them, that I don't have any time for myself. I can't change my mom or my boyfriend for that matter. I can't make things right for them. I can only do that for myself. My mom will never change. She's incapable of it. But I can still evolve and grow. Somehow I got in my head that if I fix things for her, that will affect me in a positive way. My brother even said it recently. If we get mom's finances together, then we won't have to take care of her when we get old. But Susan went even deeper. We're like siamese twins who need to separate, but we keep sharing the same body, so when she takes bad things into her body, it affects me and vise versa. So I need to stop trying to fix my Mom. I need to work on the things I can change in my own life. The same goes for my boyfriend and for his relationship to his parents and his radio show. I need to stop trying to make everything perfect for him so that there's harmony. Sometimes there is discord and that is fine. Everything does not need to be balanced and fair. And who am I to change that for someone else. This card got crazy deep and I had to take a few deep breaths because just as my Mom might not be capable of change, that might be true of my boyfriend. The cards weren't telling me to end things or even suggesting that, but it confirmed certain feelings I've had lately. Going deeper...
9 of Disks (last two weeks): Thought one: I am my own best friend. Thought two: there's a new partnership which is going to prove to be fruitful. I'm writing some sketches with my best friend and things are turning out beautifully. There's something to this new working relationship.
Susan liked the whole "You are your own best friend" aspect. So do I. What does it mean to be my own best friend? I'm the one who is going to take the best care of myself. So I need to be good to myself because that's what a best friend would do. Patience. Kindness. Tough love when needed. And even though I'm writing with my best friend, I need to remember that ultimately...I am my own best friend.
6 of Wands (personality/how you are in the world): Victory. You need to have a twist, a change of thought.
I think this card might have been inverted. There was a lot of this in the cards. Feelings of being blocked and held back. But the victory is there. Everything is there for me. I just need to stop the negative thoughts and actively pursue positive thinking. I just had a thought. I've been reading Robert Altman's oral biography for a play I'm writing. And everyone keeps saying that he was so positive that he constantly made people feel like they could do anything. I need to do this for myself. One of the cards indicated an older male influence. It might be Bob Altman from the dead. I love that.
2 of Swords (next two weeks): I will reach a literal fork in the road. I'm at a crossroads.
Yep. I feel that. And I've feared that was coming.
5 of Disks (how you feel about yourself): You've reached an impass. You're freelancing. You're unemployed and there's a lot of self doubt. You aren't really suffering, but you are accustomed to feeling like you are.
Wow this one kind of hit me hard too. I am accustomed to feeling like I'm suffering. And part of me right now knows that I'm not. But part of me is continuing down that negative path of pushing myself into negative thoughts so I can feel great when things work out. That's a negative way of thinking. I'm only blocked because I tell myself I'm blocked. Susan noticed that there aren't any actions I need to do differently. It's all mindset. And it is as easy as I choose it to be.
Emperor (hope and fear card): This is a card in the major arcana. So the hopes and fears that are acknowledged in this card are real and not imagined. Sense of order. Something to do with bosses, fathers, government, authority. There's an authority figure that's important here. I need to organize my cluster of root beliefs into my consciousness. Visualize. Put work plans into action. My organizational actions will be recognized by an older man. NEW YORK also flashed into Susan's head.
When she said New York, I got chills. I always have a feeling that New York is still with me. Susan felt like someone was speaking through her. I had talked before the reading began that I was thinking of seeing a psychic to try to communicate with my Dad. So when she said New York, I thought that maybe he was there to acknowledge that New York was where I always seemed most like myself. And he knew that. I'm taking this to mean that I have real concerns about whether or not things are going to happen for me. And that's real. But I need to put my thoughts and actions into real practice so that those efforts will go noticed by someone with real authority to affect change in my life. Whatever this card is about seems very strong.
4 of Swords (home): This card was also inverted. Taking a time out. It's the card of incarceration. So I'm feeling trapped and imprisoned by something. I need to take time to convalesce. The fact that it's inverted means that I'm not acknowledging my isolation.
It's true. I'm feeling distant from my relationship and I refuse to acknowledge it. I don't really have a place that's truly my own right now. I need to have peace and home within myself. And I need to recognize my isolation and confront it.
9 of Swords (next few weeks): I will have worry and anxiety. Fears run rampant. There is mutual anguish. But it's not as bad as I think. I need to meet the shadows of my problems head on.
This sounds dark. But I need to do it. Go through the black forest to get to the other side. It's weighing heavily on me. All of these fears that I have about my relationship and being isolated I need to confront.
2 of Wands (next step): There's a working partnership. There is travel connected with work.
Susan thinks this is connected to my work with Alanna. She's going to be in Austin for a few weeks and we're supposed to Skype to work on this project together. But Susan thinks that maybe I should try and see if Alanna will bring me out to Austin to work with her. Interestingly enough, I've always wanted to be there. And the Rude Mechs, who I love, work there. I could maybe go check out there work space. Working on sketches with Alanna in Austin. I want that.
Ace of Disks (birth of something new): There will be positive rewards for hard work. Material gain. Prosperity. Don't be afraid to initiate a plan that seems risky. Something new arises. Career change. New Job. Right place at the right time.
This now seems eerie. The right place/right time thing comes up again as it did with the Page of Cups in regards to my atmosphere. Don't be afraid to initiate a plan that seems risky feels like the Alanna thing again. Could there be something for me in this travel? On this trip? Work opportunities in Austin?
High Priestess: (indicates the end of a cycle - in a big way) Something in my life is hidden. Trust my intuition. My detachment about romance allows me to focus energy elsewhere.
What could be hidden could do with my relationship. I need to trust myself. And because I can compartmentalize, I am able to focus my energy in places that are productive.
It was an intense reading all around. Much more intense than my last one. Susan and I were both exhausted. We both felt like last time it spoke of everything being stuck, stalled, in limbo, on hold. There's a lot of this here as well. But there are indications that the foundation is starting to shift a bit. TWIST THE SPINE. Meaning, there is a twist in the spine, in my foundation. I no longer have to be so rigid, so fixed. And I'm a pretty rigid person in general. I need to start twisting. And coincidentally, I have physically been twisting my spine a lot lately. Literally. A clear message is there ever was one.
I'm not just going to look at things exactly the way I have been. And I can't if I want to grow. I will continue to be stuck until I decided to be unstuck. The only thing standing in my way is me. That's the ONLY thing. No one, no thing, no situation. It all rests on me. I have been stuck all this time because of me and I will continue to be because of me. But most importantly, I can set myself free. I have that control and that ability. And that responsibility.
