I Don't Believe

One of the things that came up during the reading last night was that I don't believe I deserve success.  It is there for me, waiting.  Everything I could possibly want is there and available to me.  But I don't believe I deserve it.

Why?

It's easier for me to live other people's lives instead of focus on my own.  Susan said that.  I agree.  I have lived in fear that I would live other people's lives like my Mom did.  And I'm doing it.  The Drummer is a lot different than the Ex in terms of how wonderful and nice he is.  But with The Drummer I don't always know where I stand.  I think he's so concerned with people thinking he's the good guy and the right guy that he's not always the honest guy.  With the Ex, as crazy and abusive as he was, I always knew where I stood.  Same thing about my Dad.

So I took all of my Dad issues and addressed them.  But now I've got Mom issues that have laid dormant and I need to address those because they affect me with both Mom and the Drummer.  I can't be afraid any more that if I stop running Mom's life she's going to fall apart.  I have to let her run her life.  And if my brother wants to run her life for her, I need to let him do that.  But I have to go run my life now.  I have to make the success that is waiting to happen come to fruition.

I used to believe that I wasn't ready.
I used to believe that I needed more time.
I used to believe that I needed more information.

I'm coming out of that now.  I know things.  I am ready for every bit of success that has crossed my mind over the past 40 years.  And I don't have to do anything different.  I just need to see myself differently.

This hibernation or time out or hiatus or whatever we're going to call it is a cleansing.  I have a pilot that I'm writing now that could see tomorrow and should sell tomorrow.  The stuff I'm working on with Alanna is good and we need to work on it.

I'm going to the studio today for her taping.  I'm going with Susan to an awards ceremony in September.  I need to be out and about more to meet folks.

I have to put my plan into action.  It's there for me.  I know it.  The cards know it.  Susan knows it.  Alanna knows it.  Now it needs to be made public and I can't be afraid of that.