My favorite yoga teacher, Natasha, announced that she was leaving to move up to the Bay Area. And since her last class is this weekend, I'll be missing it since I'll be out of town. But we're going to try and see each other while I'm in the Bay Area for the next few months. As I've mentioned in various places around this blog, whenever I take class with Natasha I feel like I take something away that's really important.
So it's sad that she's leaving because I adore her so much and I feel like she has given me so much in the short few months I've taken with her. It makes me feel like I shouldn't have taken her for granted and that I should have gone to every class of hers. You just never think that such a great teacher is going to go away. I honestly have only taken four or five classes with Natasha, but I went to them knowing that I would have a place of solace.
Maybe knowing how we all feel about her, she had a special theme for our class today. Today's class was about the idea that we have a teacher within ourselves. So even when you have a teacher that you love and they go away, the purpose of that teacher is that they are supposed to help us find the lessons that already exist within us.
Then she started crying. It was unexpected for herself and for us. Then I started getting emotional. My friend Nicole and I just looked at each other. It was so honest.
Then she had us shut our eyes and think about how we can learn the things that are already inside of us. How can we be teachers to ourselves, so that the lessons are never lost, so that those teachers are always within us? And how can we be teachers to each other.
Then it was my turn. I lost it. As my eyes were closed, I started crying. Like always, Natasha spoke to the exact place I was in that moment. I'm going to teach for the first time next month. And I've learned from my great teachers. The best ones are the ones who give of themselves. And I have to say that even though I only have known Natasha for a short period of time and we didn't have a lot of actual time together, she has taught me so much about teaching. And she's the person I'm going to be thinking of as I start on this new adventure with my students.
She's always so open. Every class began with an idea. Sometimes a Sanskrit word that we focus on. Then she strings it through the class. So that every movement, every pose, every stretch is filtered through the idea of that class. It's a real merger of the body, mind and spirit and that synthesis really improves the experience of the other areas. The body experience deepens the mind and spirit, the thought of the idea deepens the practice of the body and the spirit. And the spiritual connection allows us to stretch deeper, feel things more as well as opens up new thought and ideas about the concept of the class. It's really beautiful.
And her spirit is just beautiful. She has the best smile, the cutest body, the most articulate instrument--voice and body--to guide us through. It inspires me to be more, to leave each student with a gift. And it teaches me that having a high aspiration for each class is not a bad thing. People keep saying that these students might not write again, might not be interested in theatre, might not be receptive. That I shouldn't challenge them too much.
But I remember my first playwriting teacher. He just inspired by doing. We kept going along because he was the pied piper. So I'm going to have a vision for this class. I know how I'm structuring it. I just got my text books in the mail today. So now I can finish my lesson plans. I have a lot to read and to prepare. Now I just have to fill in the vision with the details of what we will be doing each class.
The other thing that Natasha said today was that no one can do your practice like you can. It's completely yours and unique to you. And that's true of my class. It's true of everything I am. No one does what I do. No one writes the plays I write. No one has characters like the characters I have. No one phrases things like I do. It's easy to look on someone else's paper. Their successes. Their accolades and want that. But that's not mine. My successes and accolades are on record and the future ones are to come. No one can take away my past, present or future successes either.
That encouragement allows me to go deeper into my practice in yoga class. When I hear encouragement, I go deeper, I feel things more and I get more out of it. I never feel like it's impossible. Today I did the Crow Pose for the first time EVER. I just decided that I would do it before Natasha left. And then I launched right into it. My fear completely disappeared. The doubt washed away and I was off the ground. Like everything, you just have to find a way to do it.
And like my yoga practice, once I put my mind to things, the obstacles just fall away. It has always been that way throughout my life without fail. I survived my childhood--the relentless teasing and name calling (sissy, faggot, girl). I survived my home life--the relentless yelling and put downs. I made it into the high school of my dreams. I went to a wonderful college that I'm going back to in three weeks to continue the cycle of learning. I went to the grad school of my dreams in the city of my dreams and I survived. And a lot of fear and resistance got the best of me. But even that was the important lesson for me to get to this place. I had to be tested and I had to learn to trust in myself. I had to learn that I'm enough, complete and ready now.
Becoming the teacher means that I'm no longer the student. I'm no longer the person without expertise and I can stand tall in that knowledge. It's this knowledge that will allow me to move forward in my pursuits instead of hiding behind the idea that I only have things to learn and I can't speak my voice with authority.
I have been afraid of that transition my whole life. But now I know it's my destiny. It's the teacher within that is now the teacher inside and out.
Thanks, Natasha. I'm super grateful.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Recap
I've been watching THE A LIST on Logo, which is pretty annoying and pointless. But the recaps called THE EASY A LIST are much more compelling, so I thought I'd do a quick recap of recent events since last Thursday when I posted last.
Friday: I had a busy day. I had lunch with The Drummer before he headed out of town again for a gig. We held hands and ate Mexican food at Marix in WeHo and were spotted by a good friend of mine. It was romance, romance, blah, blah, blah. The same as usual. I'm into him and it's sweet.
Then I went over to my best friend Alanna's house where she had news for me. She ran into my Ex...just FOUR HOURS EARLIER!!!!!
Recap within a Recap: They ran into each other at the Vet, my dogs are now fat, he looks the same, it was difficult for him to ask about how I was doing, my best friend called him out on his bad behavior and he told her to tell me that he said hello.
Alanna and I had cocktails out at the Abbey in the sunshine, talked to an older queen and his black fag hag and then I moved my car, headed back to the Abbey and met up with my friend Brian.
Brian is a set designer who's in town for a show he's working on. He's married to a successful photographer. I had crushes on them both when we met in Louisville, KY last year. Brian and I had Manhattans to celebrate the occasion of seeing each other and then he had to head to an Emmy party. I went home.
Saturday:
My Dad went back into the hospital for a night. I was incredibly angry with him. Then I was angry with my brother. Then I opened up to my friend Nicole about the situation and ended up crying. Then I went to a fabulous party for my friend Emily, who's an interior designer and I danced my ass off. Talked to her friends, saw some of my friends and had an all around glam night, while trying to forget about my dad and his craziness.
Sunday:
Was hungover. Started reading JUST KIDS by Patti Smith at the suggestion of a friend from the party the night before. Dad came home. I've hardly spoken to him.
Monday:
Did a bit of work. Had dinner with my friend Jen, who is also a good friend of the Ex's. Jen's someone who I trust to be straight up and we had a great conversation about everything going on. She was incredibly supportive and understanding of the situation with the Ex. We hadn't seen each other since the break up. We talked a lot about life changes and what happens when you leave a situation that's not good for you. She works for a famous celebrity and it's time to leave. I think it was good that we had that time together.
Then I went over to the Drummer's house. We went out for dinner and came home and had hot amazing sex. It's fun being with him and we are both very excited for this coming weekend.
And that's my recap of the events of the past five days. Quick. Easy. And no boring details.
Friday: I had a busy day. I had lunch with The Drummer before he headed out of town again for a gig. We held hands and ate Mexican food at Marix in WeHo and were spotted by a good friend of mine. It was romance, romance, blah, blah, blah. The same as usual. I'm into him and it's sweet.
Then I went over to my best friend Alanna's house where she had news for me. She ran into my Ex...just FOUR HOURS EARLIER!!!!!
Recap within a Recap: They ran into each other at the Vet, my dogs are now fat, he looks the same, it was difficult for him to ask about how I was doing, my best friend called him out on his bad behavior and he told her to tell me that he said hello.
Alanna and I had cocktails out at the Abbey in the sunshine, talked to an older queen and his black fag hag and then I moved my car, headed back to the Abbey and met up with my friend Brian.
Brian is a set designer who's in town for a show he's working on. He's married to a successful photographer. I had crushes on them both when we met in Louisville, KY last year. Brian and I had Manhattans to celebrate the occasion of seeing each other and then he had to head to an Emmy party. I went home.
Saturday:
My Dad went back into the hospital for a night. I was incredibly angry with him. Then I was angry with my brother. Then I opened up to my friend Nicole about the situation and ended up crying. Then I went to a fabulous party for my friend Emily, who's an interior designer and I danced my ass off. Talked to her friends, saw some of my friends and had an all around glam night, while trying to forget about my dad and his craziness.
Sunday:
Was hungover. Started reading JUST KIDS by Patti Smith at the suggestion of a friend from the party the night before. Dad came home. I've hardly spoken to him.
Monday:
Did a bit of work. Had dinner with my friend Jen, who is also a good friend of the Ex's. Jen's someone who I trust to be straight up and we had a great conversation about everything going on. She was incredibly supportive and understanding of the situation with the Ex. We hadn't seen each other since the break up. We talked a lot about life changes and what happens when you leave a situation that's not good for you. She works for a famous celebrity and it's time to leave. I think it was good that we had that time together.
Then I went over to the Drummer's house. We went out for dinner and came home and had hot amazing sex. It's fun being with him and we are both very excited for this coming weekend.
And that's my recap of the events of the past five days. Quick. Easy. And no boring details.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Confirmation
So I'm having a good time with The Drummer. We are laughing a lot, having great sex, and truly making some great connections.
The Old Me would say that this is confirmation that he's The One. My Present Self would say that this is confirmation that he is Someone Who Should Be in My Life. When I think back about my Ex, at this six week point I did think he was The One. Now I know that he wasn't. But was he Someone Who Should Be in My Life at that time? Yes. He was someone I needed in my life and I'm the better for his presence in it because I had a lot of lessons to learn that I could have only learned if he was in my life.
I'm going back to the idea of The Drummer and I taking things moment by moment. And in this moment I'm glad that he's in my life. He has shown me so much kindness and sweetness and I don't have to go searching around to find out how he feels about me. I know exactly how he feels about me every moment of the day. There is no guess work. And I'm still not subscribing to this whole conversation of him being The One.
My friend Nicole asked me after yoga today if I was in Love? Isn't that funny that everyone subscribes to this idea that you can know if you've in Love with someone new in your life in six weeks? I like him and I like where this is going. And I told her the following story to let her know how deep it's getting (but this still doesn't mean that I'm in Love or that he's The One):
After I had gotten the news about the teaching gig, I called my brother and told him about it. My brother's reaction was tremendous and he shared with me that he wishes he was better at teaching. He wants to be a better mentor to people because he had so many people who had mentored him. I never knew that my brother feels exactly the same way I do about teaching and mentoring. This why I think that maybe I might have a gift for it.
Upon hearing the story, The Drummer looked at me and said, "You're the special one in your family." I smiled because I thought that was genuinely nice, but I went on to explain how amazing my brother is. My brother is an incredible scholar and a scientist. He stopped me. He explained that he wasn't trying to say that my brother isn't amazing. But that it was clear to him that I was the special one in my family. And when you're the special one, it takes a while for people to understand that. He was looking me straight in the face when he said this and I didn't even have the inclination to crack a joke. Nothing about that statement felt uncomfortable, but it also seemed like such a statement of someone seeing me that I still felt it was weird that he saw me in that way only six weeks in.
Then I had another experience yesterday when I was talking to my Mother about the fact that my Grandmother had always said that I should be a teacher. And that it was interesting that I was finally doing it. Then my Mom shared a story about how my Grandmother told her once that I should be a teacher because I had a real gift. She said that not everyone had the gift I had. Yes, my Brother was really smart and popular and everyone liked him. But I was special.
My jaw dropped. I then shared with my Mom what The Drummer had said. It was almost exactly what my Grandmother had said. I was floored.
Two things. This is not a story to dis my Brother. I think my brother is going to do amazing things. He's done HIV research and he's working in the field of infectious diseases. I think my brother's going to contribute to some work that will change the world. I have no doubt that my brother is that talented. I'm not sharing this story to basically say that I'm a rock star and my brother's not. And honestly, I feel a little guilty about putting this on here. But I think there's a point here. People in my life see something in me that I'm slow to see. And I need to get on board. If I'm going to do anything big in life, then I need to be confident in the power I possess. I think we all do.
The second thing: I still don't think that this means that The Drummer is "The One." I don't believe in that concept any more. I believe that this is true confirmation that he's incredibly intuitive or my Grandmother spoke through him or both. But the way he looked at me was that of a person delivering a message. I'd
like to think that he's intuitive and he really sees me. That's powerful.
But what I do know is that the two of us are exactly where we need to be right now...in this moment. And as long as this keeps working, then we're going to keep working at it.
The Old Me would say that this is confirmation that he's The One. My Present Self would say that this is confirmation that he is Someone Who Should Be in My Life. When I think back about my Ex, at this six week point I did think he was The One. Now I know that he wasn't. But was he Someone Who Should Be in My Life at that time? Yes. He was someone I needed in my life and I'm the better for his presence in it because I had a lot of lessons to learn that I could have only learned if he was in my life.
I'm going back to the idea of The Drummer and I taking things moment by moment. And in this moment I'm glad that he's in my life. He has shown me so much kindness and sweetness and I don't have to go searching around to find out how he feels about me. I know exactly how he feels about me every moment of the day. There is no guess work. And I'm still not subscribing to this whole conversation of him being The One.
My friend Nicole asked me after yoga today if I was in Love? Isn't that funny that everyone subscribes to this idea that you can know if you've in Love with someone new in your life in six weeks? I like him and I like where this is going. And I told her the following story to let her know how deep it's getting (but this still doesn't mean that I'm in Love or that he's The One):
After I had gotten the news about the teaching gig, I called my brother and told him about it. My brother's reaction was tremendous and he shared with me that he wishes he was better at teaching. He wants to be a better mentor to people because he had so many people who had mentored him. I never knew that my brother feels exactly the same way I do about teaching and mentoring. This why I think that maybe I might have a gift for it.
Upon hearing the story, The Drummer looked at me and said, "You're the special one in your family." I smiled because I thought that was genuinely nice, but I went on to explain how amazing my brother is. My brother is an incredible scholar and a scientist. He stopped me. He explained that he wasn't trying to say that my brother isn't amazing. But that it was clear to him that I was the special one in my family. And when you're the special one, it takes a while for people to understand that. He was looking me straight in the face when he said this and I didn't even have the inclination to crack a joke. Nothing about that statement felt uncomfortable, but it also seemed like such a statement of someone seeing me that I still felt it was weird that he saw me in that way only six weeks in.
Then I had another experience yesterday when I was talking to my Mother about the fact that my Grandmother had always said that I should be a teacher. And that it was interesting that I was finally doing it. Then my Mom shared a story about how my Grandmother told her once that I should be a teacher because I had a real gift. She said that not everyone had the gift I had. Yes, my Brother was really smart and popular and everyone liked him. But I was special.
My jaw dropped. I then shared with my Mom what The Drummer had said. It was almost exactly what my Grandmother had said. I was floored.
Two things. This is not a story to dis my Brother. I think my brother is going to do amazing things. He's done HIV research and he's working in the field of infectious diseases. I think my brother's going to contribute to some work that will change the world. I have no doubt that my brother is that talented. I'm not sharing this story to basically say that I'm a rock star and my brother's not. And honestly, I feel a little guilty about putting this on here. But I think there's a point here. People in my life see something in me that I'm slow to see. And I need to get on board. If I'm going to do anything big in life, then I need to be confident in the power I possess. I think we all do.
The second thing: I still don't think that this means that The Drummer is "The One." I don't believe in that concept any more. I believe that this is true confirmation that he's incredibly intuitive or my Grandmother spoke through him or both. But the way he looked at me was that of a person delivering a message. I'd
like to think that he's intuitive and he really sees me. That's powerful.
But what I do know is that the two of us are exactly where we need to be right now...in this moment. And as long as this keeps working, then we're going to keep working at it.
Easy to Be Hard
For me, it's easy to work myself up into a lather about all the things I want to do. From the time I was a kid, it was drilled in my head by my Father that you should have to put as many obstacles in your way to get something done. Somehow it was a badge of honor to work really hard because it proves that what you're doing is worthwhile. It is somehow a statement of value.
This is something I'm learning continually in my life...it doesn't have to be so hard. Sometimes effort is a sign of strain. And you don't have to overcome "impossible odds" to emerge triumphant. Because once you believe that, then you just start throwing things in your way to make it harder.
Here's how this has laid out in my life lately:
So I'm putting together my syllabus for the Playwriting course I'm teaching in a month. And I'm getting my lessons and my writing exercises and my assignments together. That's a lot of work.
But I also have a few deadlines coming up for play development opportunities. And some of these opportunities pay. Actually, ALL of them pay which is a nice thing. I have a play that I'm working on that I've been trying to finish for this East/West Players deadline. It's also the play I was going to submit for this commission at Clubbed Thumb in NYC. I've been running myself ragged to finish. The East/West thing pays $5K. The Clubbed Thumb pays $15K. And even though I don't have to have a complete play for Clubbed Thumb, I want to finish it for East/West. Then I had a revelation.
Why am I trying to rush to finish the rewrite of this play for $5K? What I should be doing is making sure the 10 page sample I have to turn in for Clubbed Thumb is the most rocking thing ever. And there are ways I'm trying to rip this play a new asshole and write something far darker, scarier and crazier than I've ever written. It's an experiment for me. So do I want to write a rushed version that fits the criteria for $5K or do I want to write something spectacular in 10 pages that really pushes my boundaries for $15K?
That's when I realized...why am I working so hard?
I can turn in the play that was a finalist for the O'Neill this year, which is done and polished. And that might even have a BETTER chance at winning the 5K. Plus if I turned in the play I'm finishing and I got BOTH, then I'd have to decide between 5K and 15K because both are supposed to be world premieres. Of course, that's a high class problem. But if I did have it, I'd be out 5K. But if I got both and the two plays were different, then I'd have 20K. So again...why work so hard to cheat myself out of a pay off? And then I'd have TWO plays out there for world premieres in the next 12 months.
Plus I can just do my submissions tomorrow, so I'm putting some good productive ACTIVE energy out there. And all the times I've done that lately, it's paid off BIG TIME. So I'm going to do my East West Submission and another submission for the Marin Theatre Company with the same play. And with the Marin Theatre Company submission, I believe I can still have a play that has had a professional reading, but not a production. So if I also get the East West thing, I can do BOTH because one is a reading and one is the possibility of a production. So that would be ANOTHER $2500.
So by NOT working as hard, I can increase my chances of earning $22.5K. Holy moley! I like this not working hard thing.
But it just teaches me that my original instinct is to make myself work harder, maybe rush something and decrease my payoff. Just for the sake of saying I WORKED HARD. The thing is that I have a play that has been a finalist for the O'Neill and it still hasn't been produced. It hasn't really been developed professionally yet. In a way, it's passive income. It's a play that's already finished and has got terrific response.
Now I can FOCUS on getting the idea for this play down. The idea for this play and where I want to go with it is a lot darker than anything I've written. I also know that I have to go to some pretty raw, deep and dark places within my own psyche and personal history. I'm not ready to do that in an entire play right now. I don't think I've had enough distance yet. But I can pour that into TEN PAGES. And by the time I get this commission, I'll be ready to dive deep and get dark, dirty and nasty with this play. I'll be ready to cover this play in my creative semen...metaphorically bukkake the shit out of it. So it's also buying me some time.
And that seems a lot less intimidating, which is the whole reason I've been procrastinating and putting off finishing it. But I also want to get a bit experimental on this shit.
And by the time I'm ready to work on this commission, I will have seen all of this great theatre in Portland that's wild and freaky and loose. Then I will have started teaching and will be reading all of these plays that I LOVE all over again and I'll be teaching them. I will have so much inspiration and theatre energy that I'll be ready and brave enough to take this on.
I have to remember to take it easy on myself...because the hard work lies ahead of me. Why make it harder?
This is something I'm learning continually in my life...it doesn't have to be so hard. Sometimes effort is a sign of strain. And you don't have to overcome "impossible odds" to emerge triumphant. Because once you believe that, then you just start throwing things in your way to make it harder.
Here's how this has laid out in my life lately:
So I'm putting together my syllabus for the Playwriting course I'm teaching in a month. And I'm getting my lessons and my writing exercises and my assignments together. That's a lot of work.
But I also have a few deadlines coming up for play development opportunities. And some of these opportunities pay. Actually, ALL of them pay which is a nice thing. I have a play that I'm working on that I've been trying to finish for this East/West Players deadline. It's also the play I was going to submit for this commission at Clubbed Thumb in NYC. I've been running myself ragged to finish. The East/West thing pays $5K. The Clubbed Thumb pays $15K. And even though I don't have to have a complete play for Clubbed Thumb, I want to finish it for East/West. Then I had a revelation.
Why am I trying to rush to finish the rewrite of this play for $5K? What I should be doing is making sure the 10 page sample I have to turn in for Clubbed Thumb is the most rocking thing ever. And there are ways I'm trying to rip this play a new asshole and write something far darker, scarier and crazier than I've ever written. It's an experiment for me. So do I want to write a rushed version that fits the criteria for $5K or do I want to write something spectacular in 10 pages that really pushes my boundaries for $15K?
That's when I realized...why am I working so hard?
I can turn in the play that was a finalist for the O'Neill this year, which is done and polished. And that might even have a BETTER chance at winning the 5K. Plus if I turned in the play I'm finishing and I got BOTH, then I'd have to decide between 5K and 15K because both are supposed to be world premieres. Of course, that's a high class problem. But if I did have it, I'd be out 5K. But if I got both and the two plays were different, then I'd have 20K. So again...why work so hard to cheat myself out of a pay off? And then I'd have TWO plays out there for world premieres in the next 12 months.
Plus I can just do my submissions tomorrow, so I'm putting some good productive ACTIVE energy out there. And all the times I've done that lately, it's paid off BIG TIME. So I'm going to do my East West Submission and another submission for the Marin Theatre Company with the same play. And with the Marin Theatre Company submission, I believe I can still have a play that has had a professional reading, but not a production. So if I also get the East West thing, I can do BOTH because one is a reading and one is the possibility of a production. So that would be ANOTHER $2500.
So by NOT working as hard, I can increase my chances of earning $22.5K. Holy moley! I like this not working hard thing.
But it just teaches me that my original instinct is to make myself work harder, maybe rush something and decrease my payoff. Just for the sake of saying I WORKED HARD. The thing is that I have a play that has been a finalist for the O'Neill and it still hasn't been produced. It hasn't really been developed professionally yet. In a way, it's passive income. It's a play that's already finished and has got terrific response.
Now I can FOCUS on getting the idea for this play down. The idea for this play and where I want to go with it is a lot darker than anything I've written. I also know that I have to go to some pretty raw, deep and dark places within my own psyche and personal history. I'm not ready to do that in an entire play right now. I don't think I've had enough distance yet. But I can pour that into TEN PAGES. And by the time I get this commission, I'll be ready to dive deep and get dark, dirty and nasty with this play. I'll be ready to cover this play in my creative semen...metaphorically bukkake the shit out of it. So it's also buying me some time.
And that seems a lot less intimidating, which is the whole reason I've been procrastinating and putting off finishing it. But I also want to get a bit experimental on this shit.
And by the time I'm ready to work on this commission, I will have seen all of this great theatre in Portland that's wild and freaky and loose. Then I will have started teaching and will be reading all of these plays that I LOVE all over again and I'll be teaching them. I will have so much inspiration and theatre energy that I'll be ready and brave enough to take this on.
I have to remember to take it easy on myself...because the hard work lies ahead of me. Why make it harder?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Abundance
That might be another way to say that I'm super uber busy.
In the span of less than a week, I went from busy to crazed. But I have to say, I am so happy about it.
I have this play I'm supposed to finish by next Wednesday for two different theatre opportunities. Then I've got these lesson plans to do. I just finished reworking the syllabus for my Playwriting Class. But the big thing to figure out is how to pace the course. There are these oral presentations that have nothing to do with writing, but more to do with script analysis that I want to cut out to make room for some in class table work. I didn't realize it would be as tricky to get all of the work in that I want to get done. I think I can push these kids a bit harder than they're being pushed. But I also want to make sure that I don't run myself into the ground either. I want to be able to give these kids as much of myself as I can. But I just finished working out the first week of class and that was tough. And the first week is probably the lightest week of all!
And before I head up to teach, I'm going to be in Portland with my brother and his family and immersed in theatre through PICA's TBA Festival. I'm going to be all theatred out! It'll be great though. I'm really looking forward to it.
And I've got my friend Susan's baby shower to plan and my grade school get together to put together.
I honestly would rather be crazy and busy than not. So I'm happy for all of this activity. But I just need to make sure I'm finding time for myself and my own work. I've got the O'Neill deadline coming up again and since I was a finalist this year, hopefully my material will be given extra consideration. But I also need to make sure that play rocks the house. This really is the opportunity of a lifetime, to teach these students at the school where I first started writing plays. It meant so much to me to have that sort of freedom to work and if I'm being immodest, I would say that it's the work that I did with my professor that laid the template for this surge of playwriting activity to happen there.
I can't even express what this opportunity means to me. It probably won't even hit me until I get there.
But until then, I've got another ten days before this play deadline...this week is busy seeing friends and doing some networking. And then I'm off back up to Huntington Lake for Labor Day with the Drummer. Then back for a day and a half and then to Portland for a week. That will just be some good chill time. I want to relax and enjoy just seeing theatre and hanging out with the bro and the niece before life gets crazy again and my Fall really begins.
Just drinking it all in. Enjoying it all. Enjoying the time with the Drummer and being grateful that so much is coming my way. There's more to come...the greater the effort I put into everything going on, the more things will continue to pay off.
In the span of less than a week, I went from busy to crazed. But I have to say, I am so happy about it.
I have this play I'm supposed to finish by next Wednesday for two different theatre opportunities. Then I've got these lesson plans to do. I just finished reworking the syllabus for my Playwriting Class. But the big thing to figure out is how to pace the course. There are these oral presentations that have nothing to do with writing, but more to do with script analysis that I want to cut out to make room for some in class table work. I didn't realize it would be as tricky to get all of the work in that I want to get done. I think I can push these kids a bit harder than they're being pushed. But I also want to make sure that I don't run myself into the ground either. I want to be able to give these kids as much of myself as I can. But I just finished working out the first week of class and that was tough. And the first week is probably the lightest week of all!
And before I head up to teach, I'm going to be in Portland with my brother and his family and immersed in theatre through PICA's TBA Festival. I'm going to be all theatred out! It'll be great though. I'm really looking forward to it.
And I've got my friend Susan's baby shower to plan and my grade school get together to put together.
I honestly would rather be crazy and busy than not. So I'm happy for all of this activity. But I just need to make sure I'm finding time for myself and my own work. I've got the O'Neill deadline coming up again and since I was a finalist this year, hopefully my material will be given extra consideration. But I also need to make sure that play rocks the house. This really is the opportunity of a lifetime, to teach these students at the school where I first started writing plays. It meant so much to me to have that sort of freedom to work and if I'm being immodest, I would say that it's the work that I did with my professor that laid the template for this surge of playwriting activity to happen there.
I can't even express what this opportunity means to me. It probably won't even hit me until I get there.
But until then, I've got another ten days before this play deadline...this week is busy seeing friends and doing some networking. And then I'm off back up to Huntington Lake for Labor Day with the Drummer. Then back for a day and a half and then to Portland for a week. That will just be some good chill time. I want to relax and enjoy just seeing theatre and hanging out with the bro and the niece before life gets crazy again and my Fall really begins.
Just drinking it all in. Enjoying it all. Enjoying the time with the Drummer and being grateful that so much is coming my way. There's more to come...the greater the effort I put into everything going on, the more things will continue to pay off.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Continued Amazement
A few things are amazing me this morning. I'm amazed that I got up this morning at 5:30 AM to go with my father to buy fresh roasted New Mexico Chiles. Apparently, it's this "thing" that only happens once a year. And now I'm getting some internet time in before I head out to the Borders going out of business sale.
But what really amazes me these days are two things:
1) My life. I think about how different things were 9 1/2 months ago. I mean, that's the whole point of this blog, right? One action started this whole revolution. I broke up with someone I really loved, but who was so destructive and bad for me. (It's much easier to say that now than it was when I first started this blog. I was protecting him, but also not being totally honest with myself.) Then I ended a job that had kept me shackled for seven years. Then I started a new job that I LOVED for five months. Then that ended. Then I decided to take the rest of the year off to leave myself open to new possibilities. And even if those new possibilities just meant that I was writing every day and didn't have to go into an office and that I just focused on me - that was enough. But then life had other plans. Once you clear away all of the "noise" (I'm borrowing that term from Bethenny Frankel's book, A Place of Yes, which I actually bought and read), then you're free and clear to see and hear the plans that the universe has for you.
And that other plan was also started by one simple action. When I decided that I was going to take the rest of the year "off" (I love that I thought I'd be taking time off because my unemployment has been totally a time of busyness and business), I decided that I was going to take these three trips: Portland to see my bro, Santa Clara/SF to see if they had a need to have me come up and do a workshop and NYC to do some theatre networking. It was just an idea that popped into my head. Why don't I see if I can do a workshop since I had time on my hands. That lead to an opportunity to sub for one class. And then this week I got the call that the professor actually had to drop out. And they wanted me to teach in the Fall.
So here I am prepping to teach a class as a college professor.
So the fact that life is continuing to show me great things is amazing. But that's only because I'm leaving myself open to the possibility. And not trying too hard to know everything my life will be in the next six months. It's definitely a big step for me to just keep doing things to make things happen, but not laying a load of expectation on top of that.
2) The Drummer - The Drummer continues to amaze me. He's just a cool guy who speaks from his heart and operates from his gut. He's a guy who says what's on his mind and has wonderful things to say. I admire him for his honesty. But what touched me the other day was when I was talking about my brother and how he said he was happy for me that I'm teaching in the Fall. My brother is in a PhD program and had said that he isn't great at teaching and it's something he wants to get better at. And I had mentioned that it was nice that we had something in common. We have a lot in common, but the narrative growing up was about how different we both are. And then The Drummer said, "Yeah, but you're the special one in the family." I replied that Chris and I have both done some great things. But he grabbed my face and said, "I know. But you're the special one in your family. I can tell." And it was just one of those moments, besides getting a complement, where I felt that he saw something in me that he appreciated and was attracted to. It's great when someone acknowledges you. He seems so patient and loving that sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy one. But again, that's all noise. And I've got a lot of noise lately about the attention from him. But of course that's all I ever wanted from the Ex. I'm learning to turn that noise down so that I can continue to hear the things that the Universe is trying to tell me.
The Drummer has been nothing but encouraging of what this opportunity will unlock and he believes that it will take me where I need to go. I feel supported.
But what really amazes me these days are two things:
1) My life. I think about how different things were 9 1/2 months ago. I mean, that's the whole point of this blog, right? One action started this whole revolution. I broke up with someone I really loved, but who was so destructive and bad for me. (It's much easier to say that now than it was when I first started this blog. I was protecting him, but also not being totally honest with myself.) Then I ended a job that had kept me shackled for seven years. Then I started a new job that I LOVED for five months. Then that ended. Then I decided to take the rest of the year off to leave myself open to new possibilities. And even if those new possibilities just meant that I was writing every day and didn't have to go into an office and that I just focused on me - that was enough. But then life had other plans. Once you clear away all of the "noise" (I'm borrowing that term from Bethenny Frankel's book, A Place of Yes, which I actually bought and read), then you're free and clear to see and hear the plans that the universe has for you.
And that other plan was also started by one simple action. When I decided that I was going to take the rest of the year "off" (I love that I thought I'd be taking time off because my unemployment has been totally a time of busyness and business), I decided that I was going to take these three trips: Portland to see my bro, Santa Clara/SF to see if they had a need to have me come up and do a workshop and NYC to do some theatre networking. It was just an idea that popped into my head. Why don't I see if I can do a workshop since I had time on my hands. That lead to an opportunity to sub for one class. And then this week I got the call that the professor actually had to drop out. And they wanted me to teach in the Fall.
So here I am prepping to teach a class as a college professor.
So the fact that life is continuing to show me great things is amazing. But that's only because I'm leaving myself open to the possibility. And not trying too hard to know everything my life will be in the next six months. It's definitely a big step for me to just keep doing things to make things happen, but not laying a load of expectation on top of that.
2) The Drummer - The Drummer continues to amaze me. He's just a cool guy who speaks from his heart and operates from his gut. He's a guy who says what's on his mind and has wonderful things to say. I admire him for his honesty. But what touched me the other day was when I was talking about my brother and how he said he was happy for me that I'm teaching in the Fall. My brother is in a PhD program and had said that he isn't great at teaching and it's something he wants to get better at. And I had mentioned that it was nice that we had something in common. We have a lot in common, but the narrative growing up was about how different we both are. And then The Drummer said, "Yeah, but you're the special one in the family." I replied that Chris and I have both done some great things. But he grabbed my face and said, "I know. But you're the special one in your family. I can tell." And it was just one of those moments, besides getting a complement, where I felt that he saw something in me that he appreciated and was attracted to. It's great when someone acknowledges you. He seems so patient and loving that sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy one. But again, that's all noise. And I've got a lot of noise lately about the attention from him. But of course that's all I ever wanted from the Ex. I'm learning to turn that noise down so that I can continue to hear the things that the Universe is trying to tell me.
The Drummer has been nothing but encouraging of what this opportunity will unlock and he believes that it will take me where I need to go. I feel supported.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Back to College?
So I got an email from the head of the department at Santa Clara University, where I did my undergrad. I'm scheduled to sub for the playwriting professor in October. Well, as it turns out, the professor has to drop out of teaching for the Fall. And the Head asked me if I was interested in taking over for him.
What?
Visions of me in various Fall ensembles passed before my eyes like my life.
Then I emailed her back and said I was definitely interested. Pero, claro que si! (But of course!) Of course I had questions about time, money, etc. And then I thought: "Could I actually do this? Should I do this?"
I called the Drummer to ask his advice. Not because I was concerned about the state of our dating life, but because he also teaches. He was immediately encouraging of it. He said almost right away, "You HAVE to do this." Flashback to the Ex--He would have never been supportive of this because it's in a different city and it would mean that our relationship would be jeopardized, in his mind. Of course, this is not the truth, but he always had me hanging on thinking that anything I did separate from him meant that I was disloyal. I know it's only been five weeks with the Drummer, but he had no issue whatsoever. I like this guy. Well, that's clear. But I like him for sure for saying that.
And as far as "we" go, I'm going to commute back and forth mainly because my Dad's still fragile and my Mom's going to need my help. He also said something beautiful. He said that teaching only reinforces what you already know. It gives you the confidence that you know as much as you do and it also reminds you of what you know so that you can go and continue to do it better. Gosh, that guy just keeps surprising me with how amazing he is. That was the most touching thing he could have said to me. Besides telling me I should go and give this a shot because it will clearly lead to other things. And he said that for potential employers, it's better to be the guy who shows on his resume that he's made effort versus laid around for a year. And while that isn't true and I've been very busy, that's how it will look on paper. So I understand that.
I had applied for teaching jobs last year for this Fall and nothing came of it. But now I have the chance to put something on my resume. And I actually could still be teaching this Fall, in about a month. That's wild. On my old college campus with my professors as my peers. This is all incredibly strange. But strangely wonderful as well.
As this whole year has been, this is just another part of the great lesson of this post-breakup time. I have to go back for something. . Much like I'm dealing with my father and his health and going back into my childhood, there are things about Santa Clara that I'm not done with yet. I have to give back somehow and reconnect with the person I was back then.
I'm very much looking forward to the adventure..
What?
Visions of me in various Fall ensembles passed before my eyes like my life.
Then I emailed her back and said I was definitely interested. Pero, claro que si! (But of course!) Of course I had questions about time, money, etc. And then I thought: "Could I actually do this? Should I do this?"
I called the Drummer to ask his advice. Not because I was concerned about the state of our dating life, but because he also teaches. He was immediately encouraging of it. He said almost right away, "You HAVE to do this." Flashback to the Ex--He would have never been supportive of this because it's in a different city and it would mean that our relationship would be jeopardized, in his mind. Of course, this is not the truth, but he always had me hanging on thinking that anything I did separate from him meant that I was disloyal. I know it's only been five weeks with the Drummer, but he had no issue whatsoever. I like this guy. Well, that's clear. But I like him for sure for saying that.
And as far as "we" go, I'm going to commute back and forth mainly because my Dad's still fragile and my Mom's going to need my help. He also said something beautiful. He said that teaching only reinforces what you already know. It gives you the confidence that you know as much as you do and it also reminds you of what you know so that you can go and continue to do it better. Gosh, that guy just keeps surprising me with how amazing he is. That was the most touching thing he could have said to me. Besides telling me I should go and give this a shot because it will clearly lead to other things. And he said that for potential employers, it's better to be the guy who shows on his resume that he's made effort versus laid around for a year. And while that isn't true and I've been very busy, that's how it will look on paper. So I understand that.
I had applied for teaching jobs last year for this Fall and nothing came of it. But now I have the chance to put something on my resume. And I actually could still be teaching this Fall, in about a month. That's wild. On my old college campus with my professors as my peers. This is all incredibly strange. But strangely wonderful as well.
As this whole year has been, this is just another part of the great lesson of this post-breakup time. I have to go back for something. . Much like I'm dealing with my father and his health and going back into my childhood, there are things about Santa Clara that I'm not done with yet. I have to give back somehow and reconnect with the person I was back then.
I'm very much looking forward to the adventure..
Sunday, August 14, 2011
A Joke
I just read that last blog entry, which I wrote before my Dad went into the hospital AGAIN. That almost seems like a joke...getting on track because now my Dad's home. I won't be making any such grand proclamations in this entry.
He's home now. And I have been stressed out all day. I feel like I could take ten vacations. I have so much writing to do and meanwhile, life is happening. I pushed through when I had my reading and just got shit done because I had to. But I could only push through because I basically ignored the shit that was going on. I had to. And now I can't really do that. I feel at my wits end and like I don't have time for anything except to worry about my Dad, make food for him, counsel my Mom, workout a bit and see The Drummer. The funky thing is that when I'm with the Drummer, I'm so exhausted and so happy to see him that I feel like I get really needy. Like I've been dehydrated and I'm really thirsty. He's been so great about just letting me be. And that is such a foreign concept. You know, I've been on this journey (as documented in this blog) for the past 10 months and The Drummer's not getting in the way of that. He wouldn't think of it. And that's nice to have at a time in my life where things are so in transition, it's nice to have someone new in my life who understands that there's a lot about me right now that's in motion.
I can tell that a lot has changed about me because I'm not in a rush to make it all about The Drummer. And that's not even what it's about: you vs. me. I'm so ridiculously into this guy and he's so into me that we just feed off of the mutual complement-fest. It's nice to look at someone and say, "I'm so into you." Or want to say it, but you can't because the other person has said it first. There's a lot of good stuff going on and I'm just trying to appreciate it and keep the rest of my life afloat.
I don't want to be my Dad's caretaker. I want to get on with life. But then I think that this is a part of it. My emotional life is my life. My family's struggles are a part of the fabric of my life. I'm still learning this lesson of priority. Putting myself on the top of my list. And I'm certainly being challenged constantly to make sure that the lesson sticks. I'd laugh right now if I wasn't so tired.
He's home now. And I have been stressed out all day. I feel like I could take ten vacations. I have so much writing to do and meanwhile, life is happening. I pushed through when I had my reading and just got shit done because I had to. But I could only push through because I basically ignored the shit that was going on. I had to. And now I can't really do that. I feel at my wits end and like I don't have time for anything except to worry about my Dad, make food for him, counsel my Mom, workout a bit and see The Drummer. The funky thing is that when I'm with the Drummer, I'm so exhausted and so happy to see him that I feel like I get really needy. Like I've been dehydrated and I'm really thirsty. He's been so great about just letting me be. And that is such a foreign concept. You know, I've been on this journey (as documented in this blog) for the past 10 months and The Drummer's not getting in the way of that. He wouldn't think of it. And that's nice to have at a time in my life where things are so in transition, it's nice to have someone new in my life who understands that there's a lot about me right now that's in motion.
I can tell that a lot has changed about me because I'm not in a rush to make it all about The Drummer. And that's not even what it's about: you vs. me. I'm so ridiculously into this guy and he's so into me that we just feed off of the mutual complement-fest. It's nice to look at someone and say, "I'm so into you." Or want to say it, but you can't because the other person has said it first. There's a lot of good stuff going on and I'm just trying to appreciate it and keep the rest of my life afloat.
I don't want to be my Dad's caretaker. I want to get on with life. But then I think that this is a part of it. My emotional life is my life. My family's struggles are a part of the fabric of my life. I'm still learning this lesson of priority. Putting myself on the top of my list. And I'm certainly being challenged constantly to make sure that the lesson sticks. I'd laugh right now if I wasn't so tired.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Delayed Arrival
Wow. I feel like the past two weeks have kind of blown by. Part of that is because of my Dad's continual trips to the hospital. He's home now. As of tonight. And all of the work I started doing two weeks ago, getting my shit together and planning have taken a bit of a backseat. I have been dealing with very important stuff, but now I feel like I need to take back some of that energy and get working on this new play rewrite again.
I had lunch with a friend last week who decided that he would offer me a hard dose of reality about trying to have success in the play world in Los Angeles. This is someone who had been working in LA trying to make it as a playwright, then got into Julliard and has now been drinking the NYC Kool Aid. And I get it, I went to NYU for playwriting. That is where things happen in the theatre world. And he made some good points: decide what you want to do and do it. And that's part of the journey I'm on. My life is going to change direction based on what I want to be doing. And I'm in the process of figuring that out. This guy is totally on the inside of the theatre scene and it feels very cliqueish. The good thing is that I also know these people and they're friends of mine and people I can share my work with. Fortunately, they're not as snobby as this guy is portraying them to be. Maybe he thought I was more of an outsider. I don't know. But it seemed to be coming from a real place of insecurity from someone who needs a lot of validation. We all need validation, we're creative people. But the advice didn't completely come from a place of spirit in my opinion. That being said, he's right about a few things. I do need to be a more active presence because otherwise it comes off as disinterest. But I don't agree that I can't totally do it from here. I'm part of a playwrights group out here and I'm building community. I believe my best work will come out from a place of community. And that can be here in Los Angeles.
I also talked to my friend Dave a few days ago, who had better advice. He thinks its great that I'm taking the rest of the year off to do my work. He gave me advice that someone gave him once when he was on retreat: "Only do what you want to do. Even if it's as an exercise." And that's what I'm planning to take on as my mantra. Only do what you want to do. This time is a real game changer because I am deciding it's a game changer. I only want to work on this new play right now. Then I want to submit it for the two opportunities that have deadlines at the end of the month.
Then I can do some thinking and writing on my TV stuff.
But then I've got that trip to Portland where I'm going to become immersed in theatre and art and dance for the week. And I'll be immersed in my brother and his family as well. And my extended family of friends up there. It's my time to just absorb all of that art for the week and see where it takes me in terms of the next play I'm rewriting, which is my MEDEA adaptation. I want to work on that so that I can send it off to Santa Clara and see if there's a chance we can workshop it with some students in the Winter.
One thing my cynical friend did say is that sometimes you need to go away for a bit and then come back. And from now until the end of the year is my chance to go away and get involved in the work that I'm doing.
This week is all about getting back on the horse and continuing with a forward momentum.
I had lunch with a friend last week who decided that he would offer me a hard dose of reality about trying to have success in the play world in Los Angeles. This is someone who had been working in LA trying to make it as a playwright, then got into Julliard and has now been drinking the NYC Kool Aid. And I get it, I went to NYU for playwriting. That is where things happen in the theatre world. And he made some good points: decide what you want to do and do it. And that's part of the journey I'm on. My life is going to change direction based on what I want to be doing. And I'm in the process of figuring that out. This guy is totally on the inside of the theatre scene and it feels very cliqueish. The good thing is that I also know these people and they're friends of mine and people I can share my work with. Fortunately, they're not as snobby as this guy is portraying them to be. Maybe he thought I was more of an outsider. I don't know. But it seemed to be coming from a real place of insecurity from someone who needs a lot of validation. We all need validation, we're creative people. But the advice didn't completely come from a place of spirit in my opinion. That being said, he's right about a few things. I do need to be a more active presence because otherwise it comes off as disinterest. But I don't agree that I can't totally do it from here. I'm part of a playwrights group out here and I'm building community. I believe my best work will come out from a place of community. And that can be here in Los Angeles.
I also talked to my friend Dave a few days ago, who had better advice. He thinks its great that I'm taking the rest of the year off to do my work. He gave me advice that someone gave him once when he was on retreat: "Only do what you want to do. Even if it's as an exercise." And that's what I'm planning to take on as my mantra. Only do what you want to do. This time is a real game changer because I am deciding it's a game changer. I only want to work on this new play right now. Then I want to submit it for the two opportunities that have deadlines at the end of the month.
Then I can do some thinking and writing on my TV stuff.
But then I've got that trip to Portland where I'm going to become immersed in theatre and art and dance for the week. And I'll be immersed in my brother and his family as well. And my extended family of friends up there. It's my time to just absorb all of that art for the week and see where it takes me in terms of the next play I'm rewriting, which is my MEDEA adaptation. I want to work on that so that I can send it off to Santa Clara and see if there's a chance we can workshop it with some students in the Winter.
One thing my cynical friend did say is that sometimes you need to go away for a bit and then come back. And from now until the end of the year is my chance to go away and get involved in the work that I'm doing.
This week is all about getting back on the horse and continuing with a forward momentum.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Weekend of Bliss
I live in Los Angeles and there is this place called the Sequoia National Forest I have never been to. That's just sad. Well, I remedied that this weekend. The Drummer took me to the woods!
It was so beautiful. Trees and mountains and rivers...oh my! Really a pleasant weekend. I needed it after the week I had. My Dad was in the hospital for a few days and had gotten out last week only to go in again on Thursday. Parents trip to Portland canceled. Lots of confusion on my part as to what the Dad wants. I had spent a lot of time lately worrying about what is going on my family and being incredibly frustrated because of it. Since my Dad was in the hospital and my Mom wasn't going to go to Portland without him, I ended up going on my trip. Thank God...because I literally felt like I was going to rip off someone's face if I didn't go this weekend. Plus, we had already paid for the place we were going to stay at.
We drove up Friday night to Fresno. Fresno scares me. It's strangely desolate. But we did manage to find a steakhouse that served us $2 pints of General Sherman IPA. And we had two handsome burgers. Then we went to the supermarket to load up on water, booze and fixins for breakfast and lunches. Off to place we were staying at which is on a ranch. We opened the door and saw a quaint, nicely set up studio apartment. Lots of room. We just wanted to unpack and go on a late night stroll on the ranch. Star gazing, hand holding and lots of outdoor kissing. Then we went inside and sexed it up.
Next morning we sexed it up, then I made omelets. The Drummer made sandwiches for us to take with us and then we headed out. I will say this about The Drummer: he's great to hang out with grocery shopping AND while sexing AND while gazing at the stars AND while at a bar. The Drummer has this saying: it was a good hang. He uses "hang" to describe a good time, a good hang out. And it's always a good hang no matter what we are doing. It's easy, but not simple and not boring. It's relaxed.
So we headed out and smoked some pot on the way up. I'm not a big pot smoker and I'm certainly not a big drug user in general. But I had a "when in Rome" moment. I had decided earlier in the week to stop trying to plan a perfect weekend with him. He had wanted to show me The Sequoias - this was his hang. So I surrendered, which is not something I do very easily. I wanted to see this place through his eyes, and part of that included smoking pot.
At a certain point we were very high up in elevation and I was very high. We walked around the big sequoia, General Sherman. There were lots of European tourists around. The Drummer and I had a wonderful time just walking around. But for the most part, we drove around A LOT. But there was beautiful natural wonder after beautiful natural wonder. Rocks, mountains, The Drummer's beautiful blue eyes. It was a real day to remember.
We had lots of conversations. Silly ones as well as deep ones, or ones that seem deep when you're high. All I wanted to do was kiss him all over. We had talked all weekend about the fact that this weekend was going to be the big moment for us. I was going to have sex with him. I knew that I wanted to and we had the appropriate accouterments with us. Unfortunately, after a day of walking, driving, eating and smoking, we got home and crashed. But we crashed in each other's arms, pretzeled. That's another term that we use a lot. We ended up going to bed pretzeled in each other. The Drummer is so hot and sexy and warm and awesome that it's easy to fall asleep in his arms.
The next morning we woke up. I was a little disappointed for him that we didn't do the deed the night before. But he didn't sweat it. Gosh, I like him. That was the perfect response.
So after breakfast and sandwich making, we hit the road again. This time we were going to head to Shaver Lake and Huntington Lake to stroll around. If Saturday was about natural beauty, Sunday was going to be about local flavor. And we wanted to make sure we didn't tire ourselves out so much that we couldn't come home and do it. So we hit the road, smoked some weed - different from the type that we smoked the day before. This was supposed to make the colors pop and boy did it. It made everything pop.
First stop was Shaver Lake and this gelato place. They had no flavors that felt authentically Italian. And they were out of Key Lime Pie, which I was interested in. So I had chocolate. The Drummer had Nutella-Banana. We grabbed a table and I picked up an old issue of ROLLING STONE and he picked up a guitar and kept trying to get me to "name that tune." I was wondering what someone who noticed we were a couple might think, given we were outside of LA. And I don't think it's the thought of what he was going to do to me later that would freak someone out if they're homophobic. I think it was the fact that it was a Sunday and we were laughing. I was guessing the music he was playing and he was serenading me. I was reading a magazine and telling him what was on celebrity play lists. We were clearly more than friends, but we weren't doing anything remotely sexual. But it was sweet and lovely...maybe the threat of normalcy is the biggest threat of all.
We had a lot of conversations like that on Sunday. This pot made me talk and talk and talk. We talked about family. We talked about friends. We talked about my Ex and about why things didn't work out. But mostly we held hands in the car the whole time.
Then we stopped at this lodge in Huntington Lake, which was beautiful by the way. All of these people with their sail boats and jet skis looked like they were having the perfect Sunday afternoon. We stopped inside for a beer and got a lot more than that. We met this wild guy named Barry, who owned the place. With his big gut, an unending flow of vodka tonics and the big dark bags under his eyes you just knew that Barry had lived a life. The Drummer chatted him up about things: Barry is a songwriter. And eventually, that turned into The Drummer and the band he plays in being invited up on Labor Day weekend to play at the Lodge. So now I know where I'll be on Labor Day weekend.
I loved watching The Drummer talk shop. I later remarked that there's nothing sexier than a man who knows what he's talking about. It's that confidence that's sexy. So we drove back down and around back to Shaver Lake. There we had an early dinner and debated whether these two high school friends were a couple or not. The pot was making us have serious theories on the subject. I didn't want to stare at them because I felt that if they were secretly a couple, then they should have their secret relationship without any outside judgment from the two older gay dudes in the corner.
We drove home, pulled up to the ranch and had a few drinks. OH WAIT!!!! Forgot something. We pulled up to the side of the road on the way back, before dinner. We looked out at Huntington Lake. I think I took another hit and this time it affected me in a strong way. I got off the rock we were sitting on and I made my way to the ground. I had to lay down. I was perfectly fine, but I knew I was starting to get crazy high. . Then everything turned white for a second, but once I laid down I was good. Then the Drummer laid down beside me. He smiled. He said he knew what I was thinking. I thought I knew what he was thinking. Then my zipper comes down and my shorts get lowered and I'm getting a fantastic outdoor blow job. Then I decide to give him one and then he sees a boat about to pass by. We pull our pants back up and make out way back up to the car. But we had some good outdoor oral for about ten minutes or so. And he initiated it. Hot!
So then we go back and we're in our little place and things start to heat up. This is the moment. Without getting too explicit, we get naked and I'm ready for the moment. It took a few changes of position and then we were off to the races! It was great. It felt good for me. It felt good for him. And it was official, we had sex. More pretzeling and then we woke up on Monday morning.
We made breakfast, packed up and left. Hand holding the whole way back. Smiling and sneaking kisses. I loved the whole weekend. So did he. And it just felt natural. We had some pretty stellar hangs the whole weekend. Met some people. Got invited back and had some hot sex memories to boot. Whatever it is that we're doing, we both know that this is a great start.
It was so beautiful. Trees and mountains and rivers...oh my! Really a pleasant weekend. I needed it after the week I had. My Dad was in the hospital for a few days and had gotten out last week only to go in again on Thursday. Parents trip to Portland canceled. Lots of confusion on my part as to what the Dad wants. I had spent a lot of time lately worrying about what is going on my family and being incredibly frustrated because of it. Since my Dad was in the hospital and my Mom wasn't going to go to Portland without him, I ended up going on my trip. Thank God...because I literally felt like I was going to rip off someone's face if I didn't go this weekend. Plus, we had already paid for the place we were going to stay at.
We drove up Friday night to Fresno. Fresno scares me. It's strangely desolate. But we did manage to find a steakhouse that served us $2 pints of General Sherman IPA. And we had two handsome burgers. Then we went to the supermarket to load up on water, booze and fixins for breakfast and lunches. Off to place we were staying at which is on a ranch. We opened the door and saw a quaint, nicely set up studio apartment. Lots of room. We just wanted to unpack and go on a late night stroll on the ranch. Star gazing, hand holding and lots of outdoor kissing. Then we went inside and sexed it up.
Next morning we sexed it up, then I made omelets. The Drummer made sandwiches for us to take with us and then we headed out. I will say this about The Drummer: he's great to hang out with grocery shopping AND while sexing AND while gazing at the stars AND while at a bar. The Drummer has this saying: it was a good hang. He uses "hang" to describe a good time, a good hang out. And it's always a good hang no matter what we are doing. It's easy, but not simple and not boring. It's relaxed.
So we headed out and smoked some pot on the way up. I'm not a big pot smoker and I'm certainly not a big drug user in general. But I had a "when in Rome" moment. I had decided earlier in the week to stop trying to plan a perfect weekend with him. He had wanted to show me The Sequoias - this was his hang. So I surrendered, which is not something I do very easily. I wanted to see this place through his eyes, and part of that included smoking pot.
At a certain point we were very high up in elevation and I was very high. We walked around the big sequoia, General Sherman. There were lots of European tourists around. The Drummer and I had a wonderful time just walking around. But for the most part, we drove around A LOT. But there was beautiful natural wonder after beautiful natural wonder. Rocks, mountains, The Drummer's beautiful blue eyes. It was a real day to remember.
We had lots of conversations. Silly ones as well as deep ones, or ones that seem deep when you're high. All I wanted to do was kiss him all over. We had talked all weekend about the fact that this weekend was going to be the big moment for us. I was going to have sex with him. I knew that I wanted to and we had the appropriate accouterments with us. Unfortunately, after a day of walking, driving, eating and smoking, we got home and crashed. But we crashed in each other's arms, pretzeled. That's another term that we use a lot. We ended up going to bed pretzeled in each other. The Drummer is so hot and sexy and warm and awesome that it's easy to fall asleep in his arms.
The next morning we woke up. I was a little disappointed for him that we didn't do the deed the night before. But he didn't sweat it. Gosh, I like him. That was the perfect response.
So after breakfast and sandwich making, we hit the road again. This time we were going to head to Shaver Lake and Huntington Lake to stroll around. If Saturday was about natural beauty, Sunday was going to be about local flavor. And we wanted to make sure we didn't tire ourselves out so much that we couldn't come home and do it. So we hit the road, smoked some weed - different from the type that we smoked the day before. This was supposed to make the colors pop and boy did it. It made everything pop.
First stop was Shaver Lake and this gelato place. They had no flavors that felt authentically Italian. And they were out of Key Lime Pie, which I was interested in. So I had chocolate. The Drummer had Nutella-Banana. We grabbed a table and I picked up an old issue of ROLLING STONE and he picked up a guitar and kept trying to get me to "name that tune." I was wondering what someone who noticed we were a couple might think, given we were outside of LA. And I don't think it's the thought of what he was going to do to me later that would freak someone out if they're homophobic. I think it was the fact that it was a Sunday and we were laughing. I was guessing the music he was playing and he was serenading me. I was reading a magazine and telling him what was on celebrity play lists. We were clearly more than friends, but we weren't doing anything remotely sexual. But it was sweet and lovely...maybe the threat of normalcy is the biggest threat of all.
We had a lot of conversations like that on Sunday. This pot made me talk and talk and talk. We talked about family. We talked about friends. We talked about my Ex and about why things didn't work out. But mostly we held hands in the car the whole time.
Then we stopped at this lodge in Huntington Lake, which was beautiful by the way. All of these people with their sail boats and jet skis looked like they were having the perfect Sunday afternoon. We stopped inside for a beer and got a lot more than that. We met this wild guy named Barry, who owned the place. With his big gut, an unending flow of vodka tonics and the big dark bags under his eyes you just knew that Barry had lived a life. The Drummer chatted him up about things: Barry is a songwriter. And eventually, that turned into The Drummer and the band he plays in being invited up on Labor Day weekend to play at the Lodge. So now I know where I'll be on Labor Day weekend.
I loved watching The Drummer talk shop. I later remarked that there's nothing sexier than a man who knows what he's talking about. It's that confidence that's sexy. So we drove back down and around back to Shaver Lake. There we had an early dinner and debated whether these two high school friends were a couple or not. The pot was making us have serious theories on the subject. I didn't want to stare at them because I felt that if they were secretly a couple, then they should have their secret relationship without any outside judgment from the two older gay dudes in the corner.
We drove home, pulled up to the ranch and had a few drinks. OH WAIT!!!! Forgot something. We pulled up to the side of the road on the way back, before dinner. We looked out at Huntington Lake. I think I took another hit and this time it affected me in a strong way. I got off the rock we were sitting on and I made my way to the ground. I had to lay down. I was perfectly fine, but I knew I was starting to get crazy high. . Then everything turned white for a second, but once I laid down I was good. Then the Drummer laid down beside me. He smiled. He said he knew what I was thinking. I thought I knew what he was thinking. Then my zipper comes down and my shorts get lowered and I'm getting a fantastic outdoor blow job. Then I decide to give him one and then he sees a boat about to pass by. We pull our pants back up and make out way back up to the car. But we had some good outdoor oral for about ten minutes or so. And he initiated it. Hot!
So then we go back and we're in our little place and things start to heat up. This is the moment. Without getting too explicit, we get naked and I'm ready for the moment. It took a few changes of position and then we were off to the races! It was great. It felt good for me. It felt good for him. And it was official, we had sex. More pretzeling and then we woke up on Monday morning.
We made breakfast, packed up and left. Hand holding the whole way back. Smiling and sneaking kisses. I loved the whole weekend. So did he. And it just felt natural. We had some pretty stellar hangs the whole weekend. Met some people. Got invited back and had some hot sex memories to boot. Whatever it is that we're doing, we both know that this is a great start.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Plans for the Trips I Have Planned.
In the next few months, I have some trips planned. I am looking forward to getting away for several reasons. I feel like I need to replenish and renew myself. Not like Ramona Singer. But I've been on this hamster wheel of trying to get to the top of the TV food chain for eight years now. That's the better part of a decade of my life! And priorities change. I always was afraid to change my approach to things because I always felt, "If I change something now, I might be on the brink of greatness!" It's the stubborn Aquarian in me who wants to make a MARK on the world, but doesn't want to move things around in order to do things. I'm at my best when I think like an individual. It's when I try to be like everyone else that I get into trouble because I'm a creature who operates best when he's being different. That's just the way it works for me. And it's sometimes hard to trust that when everyone else is doing everything a certain way. But I'm singular. I'm not like everyone else. It's against my nature.
Here's my little recap on the trips I have planned and what I want to get from them:
Sequoia National Forest - I'm going away this weekend with The Drummer on our first trip out of town. That is wild! We've been dating for a little over three weeks and now it's time to test this theory outside of the lab. I booked us a little apartment on a ranch for three nights. He's taking care of everything else. I like that feeling of us taking each other away. I've got the lodging covered. And he can get us up there and I won't have to take my wallet out the rest of the time. I'm super into that. We're romancing each other. It's important for each person to feel what it feels like to romance and then be romanced. It's not the same if you're splitting everything at every juncture. There's my little bit of relationship advice.
I'm excited to get out of town. I think the drive will be lovely and the company will certainly be good. I'm looking forward to getting to know him more during the course of the weekend. I just am looking forward to it being the two of us. I feel like I can relax around him. I don't have to worry about what he'll do or what he'll say or that he'll judge the place that we're staying at. We've also talked about this being a good time for us to relax and let go. When you're away, your inhibitions lower and you feel freer to do things. Those things can include drinking, smoking pot, laughing really hard...and other things.
I think the sex is going to be amazing. Not that I'm trying to put too much pressure on anything. But it's our opportunity to have time together and that's really a wonderful thing. There has been so much going on with my parents lately that I just need some time to release it and it's been hard to do, even with writing being a distraction. So this will be a form of cleansing for myself as well. It's a kind of cleansing that I need to wash away all of the anxiety of the past several weeks of dealing with my Dad's health. I need to get focused on the task at hand. And that task is really launching my career as a playwright and TV writer in a proper way. There have been too many distractions--too many ways I have allowed myself to get distracted. Unfortunately, my need to take care of others has usurped my career ambitions and my need to be creatively fulfilled as an artist. That need is no longer more important than my need to be fulfilled. I can have both, but just with different percentages of importance. The creativity has to take precedence for me. That being said, The Drummer, also inspires me because he has made that choice to make his life's work a priority. We don't spend every waking moment together, but that doesn't mean that when we are together we are 100 percent about each other and can't stop talking or kissing or having sex. It's pretty intense. And I like that kind of balance and focus.
We talked about this last night. Balance is not about watering down. Balance is about enjoying every possible thing you can. It's about having an abundance of many things in life. It does not mean mediocre or half way. It means all the way in more ways than just one. One thing does not take more importance in life at the expense of other things. And I hadn't heard it articulated quite that way before until our conversation last night. That's the philosophy I believe in. And an all of nothing mentality does not work for me. So this weekend is about luxuriating in each other and hiking and cooking and drinking great wine and laughing and making silly faces and doing silly voices and just rejoicing in what we've experienced in the last three weeks. We're taking things moment to moment.
Portland in September - Portland is a silly I've been in love with for a very long time. I lived there out of college and now my brother and his family live there. I always knew that I wouldn't live in Portland again, but that I wasn't done with it. It was a time where I was taking a bit of a break from the intensity of college and was again reinventing myself. I ran an after school arts education program and had a very distinct view of life there. Then the next year I worked for a huge advertising agency and got a completely different view of life in Portland.
So this Portland trip is one part family. It's important for me to be around for my niece as she gets older. I saw her in December, again in January and after this trip I'll see her again in December for Christmas, which I'll be spending with my brother and his family. As she's getting older, it's important for me to spend more time with her. I can already see that she's got a sense of her body and I want her to get into dance classes as soon as she can. So that's a big priority for me in being there.
The other thing is that I'm going to an arts festival put on by Portland's Institute for Contemporary Art. That is also important. I want to be inspired by things I'm seeing. I've got a dance theatre piece I want to get to work on and it'll be inspiring to see all forms of performance that don't necessarily rely on telling stories through dialogue or a linear story. I feel like I have been so far away from the world of dance and performance art for so long that it will be good to be surrounded by it. I also want to be prepared for this new piece that I'm hoping to workshop on some students if the powers that be let me. It's the perfect thing to bring to a school and have students work on. I'm going to see performers like Taylor Mac and Kyle Abraham, who I've never seen. There's also a whole visual arts component that will be on display the whole time. I want to be fully immersed in art for a week and then come back to my brother's house and write. It will be a full working experience. I can't wait.
I just want to walk around town, see friends I love, see my brother, sister in law and niece who I adore, eat like ridiculously awesome street food, have some great cocktails, work out, do some yoga, see art and be productive. Yes, that's a lot to get into a week, but it's a microcosm of the life I want to live. Minus any romance, but I will get my fill of romance this weekend and in the time leading up to the trip. And afterwards. This time is for me and I couldn't be more excited.
There will also be lots of dancing and laughing during that trip. Including dance parties and some movement classes with my little niece hopefully.
Santa Clara/San Francisco - It's always nice to come back to the old campus and visit. This is where I first started expressing my need to create, so the fact that I will be teaching a Playwriting Seminar and some other Master Class means a lot to me. I love talking to students about what I've done post graduation. I've lived in New York and have lived that part of the dream. I can help clear up some of the mystery around how to make this all happen. I'm also hoping to reconnect with some professors and to maybe take a dance class. That would be super rad.
Then I'm off to San Francisco for the weekend where I hope to see friends and maybe Rita Moreno's new show at Berkeley Rep. I also want to meet up with a woman at a theatre that has read and liked my stuff. And another woman at Berkeley Rep who I've known socially for a while who I really want to introduce to my work. I'm also hoping to do a training session with my friend Bill who does something called Oncore Training and maybe a Naked Yoga SF class. That might be fun too.
Again, another city I used to live in. I'm hoping to drum up enough good will that they invite me back to at least workshop that dance theatre piece I want to work on. But it might be fun to find some more quick master class type things to do. It would be fun to reconnect with the school that started it all for me. And maybe that could lead to other teaching opportunities. I would also like to find a way to bring more dance as a way to tell stories into my life. That's also where I started dancing and telling stories. Now that I've separated them, it would be nice to bring them back together and see what I've learned.
NYC - Seriously, what can I say about New York? But NYC will be the most business like trip of them all. I need to get a theatre agent and NYC will be a part of that. I am also hoping that I can get some meetings with some production companies out there as well. I have friends who are working on TV shows, so some set visits will be in order. I just want to see shows, hustle like hell and try to drum up some work for myself in the Apple. I want desperately to spend more time there, so getting to workshop my plays and do some development will be a really great thing to do.
I'm going to do a workshop of my latest play when I'm out there. And I want to get people interested in what that play is about. I think I have beautiful things to say with my writing and I want those beautiful things to be heard. And if the people in New York theatre think they haven't heard from me enough, then they will certainly hear from me this Fall.
All of these trips are to be productive. They are to drum up interest in my writing, as well as getting me some much needed readings, workshops, productions and gigs. In order to live as a writer, people need to see me as a writer. And without any other agenda that I'm pushing these days, the only way they can see me is as a writer.
Here's to a productive Fall that hits all of the points: personal, professional, passion and perseverance...and finally, pay off!
Here's my little recap on the trips I have planned and what I want to get from them:
Sequoia National Forest - I'm going away this weekend with The Drummer on our first trip out of town. That is wild! We've been dating for a little over three weeks and now it's time to test this theory outside of the lab. I booked us a little apartment on a ranch for three nights. He's taking care of everything else. I like that feeling of us taking each other away. I've got the lodging covered. And he can get us up there and I won't have to take my wallet out the rest of the time. I'm super into that. We're romancing each other. It's important for each person to feel what it feels like to romance and then be romanced. It's not the same if you're splitting everything at every juncture. There's my little bit of relationship advice.
I'm excited to get out of town. I think the drive will be lovely and the company will certainly be good. I'm looking forward to getting to know him more during the course of the weekend. I just am looking forward to it being the two of us. I feel like I can relax around him. I don't have to worry about what he'll do or what he'll say or that he'll judge the place that we're staying at. We've also talked about this being a good time for us to relax and let go. When you're away, your inhibitions lower and you feel freer to do things. Those things can include drinking, smoking pot, laughing really hard...and other things.
I think the sex is going to be amazing. Not that I'm trying to put too much pressure on anything. But it's our opportunity to have time together and that's really a wonderful thing. There has been so much going on with my parents lately that I just need some time to release it and it's been hard to do, even with writing being a distraction. So this will be a form of cleansing for myself as well. It's a kind of cleansing that I need to wash away all of the anxiety of the past several weeks of dealing with my Dad's health. I need to get focused on the task at hand. And that task is really launching my career as a playwright and TV writer in a proper way. There have been too many distractions--too many ways I have allowed myself to get distracted. Unfortunately, my need to take care of others has usurped my career ambitions and my need to be creatively fulfilled as an artist. That need is no longer more important than my need to be fulfilled. I can have both, but just with different percentages of importance. The creativity has to take precedence for me. That being said, The Drummer, also inspires me because he has made that choice to make his life's work a priority. We don't spend every waking moment together, but that doesn't mean that when we are together we are 100 percent about each other and can't stop talking or kissing or having sex. It's pretty intense. And I like that kind of balance and focus.
We talked about this last night. Balance is not about watering down. Balance is about enjoying every possible thing you can. It's about having an abundance of many things in life. It does not mean mediocre or half way. It means all the way in more ways than just one. One thing does not take more importance in life at the expense of other things. And I hadn't heard it articulated quite that way before until our conversation last night. That's the philosophy I believe in. And an all of nothing mentality does not work for me. So this weekend is about luxuriating in each other and hiking and cooking and drinking great wine and laughing and making silly faces and doing silly voices and just rejoicing in what we've experienced in the last three weeks. We're taking things moment to moment.
Portland in September - Portland is a silly I've been in love with for a very long time. I lived there out of college and now my brother and his family live there. I always knew that I wouldn't live in Portland again, but that I wasn't done with it. It was a time where I was taking a bit of a break from the intensity of college and was again reinventing myself. I ran an after school arts education program and had a very distinct view of life there. Then the next year I worked for a huge advertising agency and got a completely different view of life in Portland.
So this Portland trip is one part family. It's important for me to be around for my niece as she gets older. I saw her in December, again in January and after this trip I'll see her again in December for Christmas, which I'll be spending with my brother and his family. As she's getting older, it's important for me to spend more time with her. I can already see that she's got a sense of her body and I want her to get into dance classes as soon as she can. So that's a big priority for me in being there.
The other thing is that I'm going to an arts festival put on by Portland's Institute for Contemporary Art. That is also important. I want to be inspired by things I'm seeing. I've got a dance theatre piece I want to get to work on and it'll be inspiring to see all forms of performance that don't necessarily rely on telling stories through dialogue or a linear story. I feel like I have been so far away from the world of dance and performance art for so long that it will be good to be surrounded by it. I also want to be prepared for this new piece that I'm hoping to workshop on some students if the powers that be let me. It's the perfect thing to bring to a school and have students work on. I'm going to see performers like Taylor Mac and Kyle Abraham, who I've never seen. There's also a whole visual arts component that will be on display the whole time. I want to be fully immersed in art for a week and then come back to my brother's house and write. It will be a full working experience. I can't wait.
I just want to walk around town, see friends I love, see my brother, sister in law and niece who I adore, eat like ridiculously awesome street food, have some great cocktails, work out, do some yoga, see art and be productive. Yes, that's a lot to get into a week, but it's a microcosm of the life I want to live. Minus any romance, but I will get my fill of romance this weekend and in the time leading up to the trip. And afterwards. This time is for me and I couldn't be more excited.
There will also be lots of dancing and laughing during that trip. Including dance parties and some movement classes with my little niece hopefully.
Santa Clara/San Francisco - It's always nice to come back to the old campus and visit. This is where I first started expressing my need to create, so the fact that I will be teaching a Playwriting Seminar and some other Master Class means a lot to me. I love talking to students about what I've done post graduation. I've lived in New York and have lived that part of the dream. I can help clear up some of the mystery around how to make this all happen. I'm also hoping to reconnect with some professors and to maybe take a dance class. That would be super rad.
Then I'm off to San Francisco for the weekend where I hope to see friends and maybe Rita Moreno's new show at Berkeley Rep. I also want to meet up with a woman at a theatre that has read and liked my stuff. And another woman at Berkeley Rep who I've known socially for a while who I really want to introduce to my work. I'm also hoping to do a training session with my friend Bill who does something called Oncore Training and maybe a Naked Yoga SF class. That might be fun too.
Again, another city I used to live in. I'm hoping to drum up enough good will that they invite me back to at least workshop that dance theatre piece I want to work on. But it might be fun to find some more quick master class type things to do. It would be fun to reconnect with the school that started it all for me. And maybe that could lead to other teaching opportunities. I would also like to find a way to bring more dance as a way to tell stories into my life. That's also where I started dancing and telling stories. Now that I've separated them, it would be nice to bring them back together and see what I've learned.
NYC - Seriously, what can I say about New York? But NYC will be the most business like trip of them all. I need to get a theatre agent and NYC will be a part of that. I am also hoping that I can get some meetings with some production companies out there as well. I have friends who are working on TV shows, so some set visits will be in order. I just want to see shows, hustle like hell and try to drum up some work for myself in the Apple. I want desperately to spend more time there, so getting to workshop my plays and do some development will be a really great thing to do.
I'm going to do a workshop of my latest play when I'm out there. And I want to get people interested in what that play is about. I think I have beautiful things to say with my writing and I want those beautiful things to be heard. And if the people in New York theatre think they haven't heard from me enough, then they will certainly hear from me this Fall.
All of these trips are to be productive. They are to drum up interest in my writing, as well as getting me some much needed readings, workshops, productions and gigs. In order to live as a writer, people need to see me as a writer. And without any other agenda that I'm pushing these days, the only way they can see me is as a writer.
Here's to a productive Fall that hits all of the points: personal, professional, passion and perseverance...and finally, pay off!
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