A Joke

I just read that last blog entry, which I wrote before my Dad went into the hospital AGAIN. That almost seems like a joke...getting on track because now my Dad's home. I won't be making any such grand proclamations in this entry.

He's home now. And I have been stressed out all day. I feel like I could take ten vacations. I have so much writing to do and meanwhile, life is happening. I pushed through when I had my reading and just got shit done because I had to. But I could only push through because I basically ignored the shit that was going on. I had to. And now I can't really do that. I feel at my wits end and like I don't have time for anything except to worry about my Dad, make food for him, counsel my Mom, workout a bit and see The Drummer. The funky thing is that when I'm with the Drummer, I'm so exhausted and so happy to see him that I feel like I get really needy. Like I've been dehydrated and I'm really thirsty. He's been so great about just letting me be. And that is such a foreign concept. You know, I've been on this journey (as documented in this blog) for the past 10 months and The Drummer's not getting in the way of that. He wouldn't think of it. And that's nice to have at a time in my life where things are so in transition, it's nice to have someone new in my life who understands that there's a lot about me right now that's in motion.

I can tell that a lot has changed about me because I'm not in a rush to make it all about The Drummer. And that's not even what it's about: you vs. me. I'm so ridiculously into this guy and he's so into me that we just feed off of the mutual complement-fest. It's nice to look at someone and say, "I'm so into you." Or want to say it, but you can't because the other person has said it first. There's a lot of good stuff going on and I'm just trying to appreciate it and keep the rest of my life afloat.

I don't want to be my Dad's caretaker. I want to get on with life. But then I think that this is a part of it. My emotional life is my life. My family's struggles are a part of the fabric of my life. I'm still learning this lesson of priority. Putting myself on the top of my list. And I'm certainly being challenged constantly to make sure that the lesson sticks. I'd laugh right now if I wasn't so tired.