The Drummer and I are trying to get away this weekend. My Dad hopefully will be well enough to go to Portland with my Mom. If he's not, then I'm staying in town. But we're planning as if we are.
This is what's great about The Drummer. We've been talking about the Sequoias since we met. I know that it's a place that's magical and special for him and he wants to share that with me. I spent a lot of time in nature as a kid. Mainly against my will. But I have done a lot of camping in my life. I didn't always love it, but as I got older, I appreciated that I could camp and really started to love it. I love walks. I love the solitude and the majesty of it all. The Drummer and I went on a beautiful walk last week on our date. I love walking and talking.
So we both were on the phone today and figuring out what we should do. We might have a cabin to stay at but in case we don't we need to find lodging. So we're both looking for affordable alternatives. I've dug up AAA information and maps. And I already have some recommendations on places to eat from my Dad. I like planning together. With the Ex, he did everything because he liked it. I never felt like I was a part of things, so I didn't do a lot of planning. And I know that bugged him. I know it made him feel like I was just along for the ride. But he also never liked my suggestions and made that abundantly clear. That never serves as good motivation to keep throwing out ideas. It became very clear early on that he didn't really care about my opinion. So I started believing that I was really bad at planning things because my planning never met with his approval. And you know what? I now remember how much I love doing this stuff. And it helps that I love doing this stuff with The Drummer.
The Drummer has also put great sex on the itinerary, which is incredible. It's super hot. I'm having exactly the kind of experience with someone I have only been dating for three weeks. I smile when I think about him. I think about him often. And I want to do it with him all of the time. I'm hoping that there's some great, outlandish, ridiculous marathon sex during this trip.
He's the kind of person I want to have a glass of bourbon with and go down on. But not necessarily in that order.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Getting Away and Coming Back
I'm just barely returning back to my body. I've been dealing so much with my Dad's health issues and recent stay in the hospital that I haven't had a lot of time for much else. I have been working out a lot, but I feel a lot of out of body feelings. My mind hasn't felt like it has been intact for about a week or so. And now I'm ready to get back to my routine.
How appropriate that it's the start of a week and I'm ready to get back? And how appropriate that tomorrow is August 1st, the nine month anniversary of the date I walked away from my relationship. Time to reaffirm my commitment to myself. I am a good son, but that's not all I am.
Tomorrow I will be heading to the gym and starting a new harder workout. I'm going to kill it in the gym for the next month or so. My goal is to continue to be lean and to reduce my body fat by four percent over time. I've got to take care of my Dad's doctor's appointments in the morning. Then I'm off to the gym and then I'm off to help my friend Susan get ready for a pitch. Then it's time for hip hop class and yogurt with Tiffany and then another late night date with The Drummer. These Monday night dates are becoming a tradition...one that I am a big fan of.
Tuesday's going to be a writing day. Quiet, alone and secluded.
Wednesday is going to be a lot of meeting up with friends and catch up...some business.
Thursday is all about writing. And Friday hopefully I will be heading to the Sequoias with my dude. Gone until Monday. Happily gone until Monday. Relaxation, big trees and four days of romance. Also testing out whether or not I can do a big trip like that with him. That will be a huge test for both of us. Our first trip out of town together. I'm psyched about it.
So again...a very busy week. But one that will continue to bear fruit. I'm very excited about that.
How appropriate that it's the start of a week and I'm ready to get back? And how appropriate that tomorrow is August 1st, the nine month anniversary of the date I walked away from my relationship. Time to reaffirm my commitment to myself. I am a good son, but that's not all I am.
Tomorrow I will be heading to the gym and starting a new harder workout. I'm going to kill it in the gym for the next month or so. My goal is to continue to be lean and to reduce my body fat by four percent over time. I've got to take care of my Dad's doctor's appointments in the morning. Then I'm off to the gym and then I'm off to help my friend Susan get ready for a pitch. Then it's time for hip hop class and yogurt with Tiffany and then another late night date with The Drummer. These Monday night dates are becoming a tradition...one that I am a big fan of.
Tuesday's going to be a writing day. Quiet, alone and secluded.
Wednesday is going to be a lot of meeting up with friends and catch up...some business.
Thursday is all about writing. And Friday hopefully I will be heading to the Sequoias with my dude. Gone until Monday. Happily gone until Monday. Relaxation, big trees and four days of romance. Also testing out whether or not I can do a big trip like that with him. That will be a huge test for both of us. Our first trip out of town together. I'm psyched about it.
So again...a very busy week. But one that will continue to bear fruit. I'm very excited about that.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Getting Laid
About four weeks ago I was near the breaking point. It had been about 9 months since I had had proper sex. I really needed to get laid. I didn't care that I might have to break my rule of not having casual anal sex...I just needed some booty! I was desperate. I mean...there were some good candidates. I had some guys I had been fucking around with, but I've only done that (for the most part) in a relationship. There was that one specific time in a gym shower in Louisville, KY when I wasn't in a relationship, but that is another story.
Then I met The Drummer, and although we haven't done "the deed" yet, I want to. Given the fact that everything else so far has been spectacular, I have a strong feeling the sexy time is going to be quite the wild ride. There's something about having chemistry with someone. It's undefinable. But when you've got it, you don't know why, but it's there. There has been a lot of kissing and oral, but nothing else. And it has created quite the build up. It's actually exactly how I like to do it. It's been so long since I've had descent sex that has been attached to caring about someone that it's a new sensation.
Sex is great outside of the context of a relationship or having a commitment. It's fun to do. But having sex with someone you dig and have chemistry with outside of the bedroom is amazing.
The Drummer asked me last night if he was too touchy feely. I told him that he could never be too touchy feely with me. And he can never over express how he's feeling. This time last year I was begging for my boyfriend to just touch me. I felt so disconnected because I thrive on physical touch. I love giving massages. I love kissing and I love laughter. Sex is a silly proposition when you think about it. Where you put your mouth and what you lick and what you stick in someone or have stuck in you. It's mechanical and strange until you add feeling and humor. I look at The Drummer and I'm instantly excited. As I told him last night, it's not just his looks and his cock and all of the goodies. It's that underneath all of that a heart beats. He says how he's feeling from moment to moment.
The ex used to say to me that I liked to talk too much. I loved the "play by play", he used to say. And I apologized for that. I felt bad for that. But I LOVE the play by play. I love to talk about what's going on and why. He didn't need that apparently, mainly because he's emotionally stunted. But that's no reason to try to change the way I do things. I won't accept anyone in my life any more who's not willing to let me be me. And I won't tolerate myself not letting someone be who they are. It just does not work.
I'm beginning to understand that the things I remember about my ex are the memories that you attach to things. I love the restaurants we used to go to. The trips we took. I love shirts he gave me. Mementos. I love the souvenirs more than I love the trip I took. And with The Drummer, I am so into the trip that I don't need the souvenirs.
Then I met The Drummer, and although we haven't done "the deed" yet, I want to. Given the fact that everything else so far has been spectacular, I have a strong feeling the sexy time is going to be quite the wild ride. There's something about having chemistry with someone. It's undefinable. But when you've got it, you don't know why, but it's there. There has been a lot of kissing and oral, but nothing else. And it has created quite the build up. It's actually exactly how I like to do it. It's been so long since I've had descent sex that has been attached to caring about someone that it's a new sensation.
Sex is great outside of the context of a relationship or having a commitment. It's fun to do. But having sex with someone you dig and have chemistry with outside of the bedroom is amazing.
The Drummer asked me last night if he was too touchy feely. I told him that he could never be too touchy feely with me. And he can never over express how he's feeling. This time last year I was begging for my boyfriend to just touch me. I felt so disconnected because I thrive on physical touch. I love giving massages. I love kissing and I love laughter. Sex is a silly proposition when you think about it. Where you put your mouth and what you lick and what you stick in someone or have stuck in you. It's mechanical and strange until you add feeling and humor. I look at The Drummer and I'm instantly excited. As I told him last night, it's not just his looks and his cock and all of the goodies. It's that underneath all of that a heart beats. He says how he's feeling from moment to moment.
The ex used to say to me that I liked to talk too much. I loved the "play by play", he used to say. And I apologized for that. I felt bad for that. But I LOVE the play by play. I love to talk about what's going on and why. He didn't need that apparently, mainly because he's emotionally stunted. But that's no reason to try to change the way I do things. I won't accept anyone in my life any more who's not willing to let me be me. And I won't tolerate myself not letting someone be who they are. It just does not work.
I'm beginning to understand that the things I remember about my ex are the memories that you attach to things. I love the restaurants we used to go to. The trips we took. I love shirts he gave me. Mementos. I love the souvenirs more than I love the trip I took. And with The Drummer, I am so into the trip that I don't need the souvenirs.
Politeness
It has been a week of emotional turmoil. Dad in the hospital. Passing out in the living room and scaring us all to death thinking that he just died in the living room. Well, I wasn't there. I was at the gym. My brother got the shock of his life. But to see him back in the hospital in the Coronary Care Unit (CCU) was nuts. Even in the weeks and days before he went back in, I knew something was up. And there was nothing I could do about it. Other than badger him incessantly, but even that got tired for both of us. When he would come back from two hour trips to the supermarket and wouldn't eat when he got back. Or when he came home with a bag of fun size Snickers bars. I knew he couldn't change until he decided it was time to change. I don't even know if he gets that now.
But one thing has changed. This episode happened when his granddaughter was in the house. Yes, she was sleeping (thank God), but she was still only a few feet away. I hope he gets the connection that everything he's doing to himself affects his ability to be a presence in her life. He is making an active choice not to be there for her in the future. No one likes to talk about it because it's impolite. Because it's not nice.
How could you say that about your father? It's his choice. It's the way he was raised.
I've heard all or some variation of this over the past few days. I've had addicts in my life and I know all about being an enabler. . And that's what's going on here. Everyone excuses the behavior because it's hard to break or because he was raised a certain way. I understand having to unlearn behavior. I'm in the process of doing that now. But at some point you make a choice. And sometimes that choice is a negative one.
We have put the right information in front of my Dad. We have gotten rid of the stuff he's attached to. And we're forcing it to a breaking point. I hope this is what he needs to start making the choices for himself. It's like an emotional defibrillator. A shock to the system to get things running right.
But I'm over being polite for its own sake. That doesn't help anyone. My mother has made choices that contribute to this and so have I. But I'm trying not to be an enabler to anyone any more. It got me into trouble and has never helped the addicts in my life. In a certain way, this feels a bit like readjusting my own thought process with people in my life. But the change also involves me knowing when to let go. And we are making an effort in order to empower my dad. I'm not going to be knocking Snickers bars out of his hand or following him around to make sure he's not messing up. He's got to make those own choices for himself. All I can do is give him access to the right information. And be supportive. If he's making the right decisions, I will be fully encouraging and supportive of that and will do what I can to help him along that path. But that takes effort on his part.
And I'm not patient with people who disagree with me. I'm not patient with people who allow certain behavior because it's the easier thing to do. I've been there and I've walked through the fire in ways those people haven't. And even if those people are "elders", that doesn't mean they know more than I do about everything. I'm an adult and I've earned my stripes in this department. I'm ferocious about this stuff and I will bite your head off, chop it up and serve it as tartare. Fuck you for being an enabler and allowing this behavior to continue. That is honestly how I feel about it. It destroys lives...and all because we're too polite to speak up.
But one thing has changed. This episode happened when his granddaughter was in the house. Yes, she was sleeping (thank God), but she was still only a few feet away. I hope he gets the connection that everything he's doing to himself affects his ability to be a presence in her life. He is making an active choice not to be there for her in the future. No one likes to talk about it because it's impolite. Because it's not nice.
How could you say that about your father? It's his choice. It's the way he was raised.
I've heard all or some variation of this over the past few days. I've had addicts in my life and I know all about being an enabler. . And that's what's going on here. Everyone excuses the behavior because it's hard to break or because he was raised a certain way. I understand having to unlearn behavior. I'm in the process of doing that now. But at some point you make a choice. And sometimes that choice is a negative one.
We have put the right information in front of my Dad. We have gotten rid of the stuff he's attached to. And we're forcing it to a breaking point. I hope this is what he needs to start making the choices for himself. It's like an emotional defibrillator. A shock to the system to get things running right.
But I'm over being polite for its own sake. That doesn't help anyone. My mother has made choices that contribute to this and so have I. But I'm trying not to be an enabler to anyone any more. It got me into trouble and has never helped the addicts in my life. In a certain way, this feels a bit like readjusting my own thought process with people in my life. But the change also involves me knowing when to let go. And we are making an effort in order to empower my dad. I'm not going to be knocking Snickers bars out of his hand or following him around to make sure he's not messing up. He's got to make those own choices for himself. All I can do is give him access to the right information. And be supportive. If he's making the right decisions, I will be fully encouraging and supportive of that and will do what I can to help him along that path. But that takes effort on his part.
And I'm not patient with people who disagree with me. I'm not patient with people who allow certain behavior because it's the easier thing to do. I've been there and I've walked through the fire in ways those people haven't. And even if those people are "elders", that doesn't mean they know more than I do about everything. I'm an adult and I've earned my stripes in this department. I'm ferocious about this stuff and I will bite your head off, chop it up and serve it as tartare. Fuck you for being an enabler and allowing this behavior to continue. That is honestly how I feel about it. It destroys lives...and all because we're too polite to speak up.
Friday, July 29, 2011
The Dutiful Son
My father comes home tomorrow from the hospital. I've spent the past few weeks dealing with his health. Talking to doctors, figuring out his diet, etc. I even put up two poster boards on their refrigerator detailing what he can and can't eat. And tomorrow I'm putting together recipes for him. I am exhausted both physically and emotionally. I hope he gets it together and starts taking all of this seriously. That would be great.
And I need to get back to my life. I feel like I need to get some work done. I feel good that I can be here for him, but I need to take care of myself as well. But not before I do tons of research on what he can and can't eat. Oy.
Maybe I can do a cookbook out of this.
Talk about a change in direction.
And I need to get back to my life. I feel like I need to get some work done. I feel good that I can be here for him, but I need to take care of myself as well. But not before I do tons of research on what he can and can't eat. Oy.
Maybe I can do a cookbook out of this.
Talk about a change in direction.
I'm Back...still
The reports of this blog's demise might have been a bit premature. Because as I was saying good-bye, a lot of interesting things started happening.
So I will end this blog on November 1, 2011 - the one year anniversary of the day I walked out of my old life. The date I came back...to who I want to be.
It makes sense. It's a journey.
But that doesn't mean I won't be starting new blogs. I have one or two I want to start as a bit of a spin off. But in about three months, this blog will cease to exist.
I'm going to try and post every day so that I can have a serious record of this time. It's been an important time in my life and I want to honor it as such.
So until November 1st, keep reading this blog...my loyal 14 followers!
So I will end this blog on November 1, 2011 - the one year anniversary of the day I walked out of my old life. The date I came back...to who I want to be.
It makes sense. It's a journey.
But that doesn't mean I won't be starting new blogs. I have one or two I want to start as a bit of a spin off. But in about three months, this blog will cease to exist.
I'm going to try and post every day so that I can have a serious record of this time. It's been an important time in my life and I want to honor it as such.
So until November 1st, keep reading this blog...my loyal 14 followers!
In a Daze
It's been so bizarre the past few days because I've been in a complete daze. My brother and niece visited this week and my father went into the hospital again. I've cleared out my parents' refrigerator and pantry of all of the salted items that were in there and put it in garbage cans. I haven't really been doing much writing because I've been so preoccupied with entertaining my niece and caring for my Dad. This is the main part of what I've been dealing with since I've been out of work. It really has been my work.
Great things have happened lately. I'm planning some trips because I'm on unemployment and I've got some free time. And frankly, I want this time to really just focus on what I want. I believe in the concept of reinvention. When my parents were my age, people stayed in one job for 45 years until retirement and collected a pension. Because times are tough, undependable and people want to do more with their lives, that is no longer the case.
I don't like having one hairstyle for too long, so one job, one identity and one kind of life are all unattractive to me. I've been the precocious kid, the nerd, the school fag, the theatre geek, the dancer/theatre artist, the grad student, the assistant of, the husband of, the son of...for so long that now it's time for a new identity. And sometimes you have to go away...otherwise, you'd never be able to come back or to have a comeback.
All of the stuff going on in my family life lately has really made me think about putting my best self forward. When people think of me, what do I want them to think of first?
I have done so much work on my self this year. I've done work on my self worth and on creating an identity that is not "caretaker." I've done a lot of work on my body. I'm working on creating a community around me full of creative people and the people who love them.
And now I have to do some work on my career. I am a playwright. I have been trying to work in television as a writer for almost eight years. And that hasn't happened yet. It's not because of my talent, which I think is substantial. So then I have to look to my approach and my focus. I work hard. But do I work smart? Do I work to the advantage of my strengths or am I climbing an uphill battle for the sake of saying that it has been an uphill battle? It doesn't have to be harder than it should be. I don't have to put any more obstacles in my way since there are obstacles already attached with trying to live your voice. That's hard enough.
So I'm going to work to my strengths and work to the person I have always been, but have some times been afraid to make public. I know this person exists in theory, but in order to really express myself publicly, I need to live as that person 24/7.
And that person is:
a professional
a gifted writer
a collaborator
a lover
a fighter
a dynamic speaker
an expert
a charismatic person
an attractive person
a wit
an advocate
a friend
a warrior
Great things have happened lately. I'm planning some trips because I'm on unemployment and I've got some free time. And frankly, I want this time to really just focus on what I want. I believe in the concept of reinvention. When my parents were my age, people stayed in one job for 45 years until retirement and collected a pension. Because times are tough, undependable and people want to do more with their lives, that is no longer the case.
I don't like having one hairstyle for too long, so one job, one identity and one kind of life are all unattractive to me. I've been the precocious kid, the nerd, the school fag, the theatre geek, the dancer/theatre artist, the grad student, the assistant of, the husband of, the son of...for so long that now it's time for a new identity. And sometimes you have to go away...otherwise, you'd never be able to come back or to have a comeback.
All of the stuff going on in my family life lately has really made me think about putting my best self forward. When people think of me, what do I want them to think of first?
I have done so much work on my self this year. I've done work on my self worth and on creating an identity that is not "caretaker." I've done a lot of work on my body. I'm working on creating a community around me full of creative people and the people who love them.
And now I have to do some work on my career. I am a playwright. I have been trying to work in television as a writer for almost eight years. And that hasn't happened yet. It's not because of my talent, which I think is substantial. So then I have to look to my approach and my focus. I work hard. But do I work smart? Do I work to the advantage of my strengths or am I climbing an uphill battle for the sake of saying that it has been an uphill battle? It doesn't have to be harder than it should be. I don't have to put any more obstacles in my way since there are obstacles already attached with trying to live your voice. That's hard enough.
So I'm going to work to my strengths and work to the person I have always been, but have some times been afraid to make public. I know this person exists in theory, but in order to really express myself publicly, I need to live as that person 24/7.
And that person is:
a professional
a gifted writer
a collaborator
a lover
a fighter
a dynamic speaker
an expert
a charismatic person
an attractive person
a wit
an advocate
a friend
a warrior
Monday, July 25, 2011
Expanding
Yesterday and today were productive.
I gots no J-O-B, so I gots to start solicitin' work. I had a thought when I was Facebooking a former professor of mine...maybe I could come to a Master Class in Playwriting at my alma mater.
Then I got an email today that asked me if I wanted to come sub for the Playwriting professor. They'd fly me up, set me up with housing and give me an honorarium. Well, that was easy. Love that.
I just found out about a commission program for a theatre in NYC that's looking for funny, provocative plays centering around the idea of The Matriarch. I happen to be writing a play about a Matriarch. And it pays $15K. Rock out.
I'm setting up a trip to Portland in September during an arts festival. Going to try and drum up more business while I'm out there.
Then a trip to NYC in November to do more business and to go to my friend Dave's wedding reception.
If I want things in life, I have to grab them. No one's going to hire me to do anything if I just lay here. I have to go grab it and now that I've got the time and resources...I'm doing it.
The world only gets bigger if you make it bigger. It expands as much as I do. Word.
I gots no J-O-B, so I gots to start solicitin' work. I had a thought when I was Facebooking a former professor of mine...maybe I could come to a Master Class in Playwriting at my alma mater.
Then I got an email today that asked me if I wanted to come sub for the Playwriting professor. They'd fly me up, set me up with housing and give me an honorarium. Well, that was easy. Love that.
I just found out about a commission program for a theatre in NYC that's looking for funny, provocative plays centering around the idea of The Matriarch. I happen to be writing a play about a Matriarch. And it pays $15K. Rock out.
I'm setting up a trip to Portland in September during an arts festival. Going to try and drum up more business while I'm out there.
Then a trip to NYC in November to do more business and to go to my friend Dave's wedding reception.
If I want things in life, I have to grab them. No one's going to hire me to do anything if I just lay here. I have to go grab it and now that I've got the time and resources...I'm doing it.
The world only gets bigger if you make it bigger. It expands as much as I do. Word.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Routine Changes are Routine
Back when I broke up with the Ex, my friend Susan said to me, "You know that now you're going to leave your job." And I laughed because I thought...what other changes could I possibly handle. Then I got my new job working on the pilot. And now that has ended. What I'm now looking at is even more change and upheaval in my life, which I have to say, I am welcoming with open arms. I'm really excited about all of this freedom. Because I had been stuck in a routine for so long and now I am so shaken free.
Life has no choice but to change for the better. I used to change now, so now I just think, "What do you have for me?" What new things do I get to do and experience? What side roads do I get to take?
Even my sleep patterns are changing. I have always been an early bird. But because The Drummer usually is done late with gigs, I stay up so we can talk when he gets home. And this morning I actually slept in until 10 AM after going to bed at 3 AM. Seven hours! Versus waking up automatically at 7 AM. I'm not just waiting for a man to call, I'm getting work done. So it's productive. But it has changed the routine a bit. And it has made sure that I'm up getting work done much later than I would be normally. So it even extends my day.
So I've decided that I want to head to Portland to see my brother and his family. But I also want to go see the Time Based Arts Festival at the Portland Institute for Contemporary Art, which I've never been able to see. I've always missed it and it's in September. It's performing arts and visual arts, so I'm excited about that. And it's artists I normally wouldn't have the opportunity to go see unless I travelled to NYC. And I can connect with some of the theatre folks out there to discuss some future readings of my work. Since I've got family there and I used to live there, it would be nice to also have a bit of a creative home in Portland. I have two plays that the folks at Portland Center Stage have not been exposed to. So it would be awesome to send those out and see what they could do for me.
If I want to work as a playwright and be produced, I have to put the work into making that happen. And because I've been living a life where my nine to five is more important than my work, that hasn't happened. But now that I have some time, I'm determined to use it well. I've got a set amount of money that I'm being awarded for unemployment and the plan is to use every nickel towards making a full time living as a writer. Money is intention as much as thought is intention. Actually, spending money is the action that is guided by the intention. So as long as I put my intentions into action, I should be able to move forward.
And I've earned it. I've got the freedom, the vision and the resources to do this now. So it's time to make this time and money count.
Life has no choice but to change for the better. I used to change now, so now I just think, "What do you have for me?" What new things do I get to do and experience? What side roads do I get to take?
Even my sleep patterns are changing. I have always been an early bird. But because The Drummer usually is done late with gigs, I stay up so we can talk when he gets home. And this morning I actually slept in until 10 AM after going to bed at 3 AM. Seven hours! Versus waking up automatically at 7 AM. I'm not just waiting for a man to call, I'm getting work done. So it's productive. But it has changed the routine a bit. And it has made sure that I'm up getting work done much later than I would be normally. So it even extends my day.
So I've decided that I want to head to Portland to see my brother and his family. But I also want to go see the Time Based Arts Festival at the Portland Institute for Contemporary Art, which I've never been able to see. I've always missed it and it's in September. It's performing arts and visual arts, so I'm excited about that. And it's artists I normally wouldn't have the opportunity to go see unless I travelled to NYC. And I can connect with some of the theatre folks out there to discuss some future readings of my work. Since I've got family there and I used to live there, it would be nice to also have a bit of a creative home in Portland. I have two plays that the folks at Portland Center Stage have not been exposed to. So it would be awesome to send those out and see what they could do for me.
If I want to work as a playwright and be produced, I have to put the work into making that happen. And because I've been living a life where my nine to five is more important than my work, that hasn't happened. But now that I have some time, I'm determined to use it well. I've got a set amount of money that I'm being awarded for unemployment and the plan is to use every nickel towards making a full time living as a writer. Money is intention as much as thought is intention. Actually, spending money is the action that is guided by the intention. So as long as I put my intentions into action, I should be able to move forward.
And I've earned it. I've got the freedom, the vision and the resources to do this now. So it's time to make this time and money count.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
I'm Back, but Am I Ready to Date Again?
That's the question on the table.
My friend Steve says not to question it. But that's my modus operendi, I'm a questioner. I'm an over thinker. I'm a ponderer. But Steve is right. Don't over think it.
Last night, The Drummer and I went to Little Toni's an old school Italian joint in the Valley. It's got menu items like:
SPAGHETTI with Meat Balls
SPAGHETTI with Meat Sauce
SPAGHETTI with Garlic and Oil
SPAGHETTI with Clam Sauce
SPAGHETTI with Broccoli
And the same but with Linguini.
It reminds me of Frantone's a place that I grew up going to when I was a kid in Downey, California. I've actually been dying to go back for a while, so this definitely satisfied that need. The submarine sandwiches at Frantone's had a tapenade made with olives on them. They were kind of like muffalettas disguised as submarine sandwiches. The oil and the cold cuts got all nice and soft, which contrasted with the crunch from the onions, tomatoes and lettuce. A bit of mayo. I have strong memories of getting subs from Frantone's and then heading to Huntington Beach to go body surfing. My skin, dark and lovely, baked brown in the sun back in the day when we didn't worry about skin cancer. Ah, innocence.
Little Toni's was like stepping into the past. The animated past. It seemed very LADY AND THE TRAMP. Not sure which one I would be since I've been both a lady and a tramp throughout my life. Either one would be fine. I'm not offended. We had salads with blue cheese dressing, shared a pizza with sausage, bell peppers and garlic and manicotti with meat sauce. That's the Italian food I was raised on, the kind served on red gingham tablecloths.
It's funny because I've been to Italy and have had some pretty amazing Italian food. Orcchette with rapini, sausage, garlic and olive oil. Wild Boar tagliettelli. I'm spelling all of those pasta names wrong. I've made my own gnocchi with brown butter, sage, balsamic and Parmesan. I think I need to take The Drummer to Torroni to have some fritto misti and some homemade pasta. When I think of Italian food now, that's the Italian food I think of. Am I a snob? Yeah, a bit. But I loved dinner last night too. My favorite thing my Mom makes is lasagna. I wanted to get the chopped salad or the antipasto platter at Little Toni's.
So while my tastes have evolved and broadened, I still love what I consider my childhood classics. But I think there's some room for some salume, cheeses and olives as antipasti. A Campari and Soda. Some bruschetta with lardo. I guess what I'm saying is that there's room for everything. Yes, I'm a snob, but I'm not snobby about my food. And I like the idea of sharing that knowledge with someone, much like that knowledge was shared with me.
To be honest, I prefer a burger from a place like Oinkster that does those great hamburger joint classics, but with everything from scratch than a place like Umami. Although I do love the Triple Pork Burger. But not everything has to be truffle this and foie gras that. Although I am craving bone marrow. I'd rather have chicken tacos from Pepe's Numbero Dos in Downey or Antonio's on Melrose than most things any day of the week.
How did this become a conversation about food instead of the question in the title of this blog post? Not sure. But am I ready to date again? I'm ready to be held by a sweet guy. I'm ready to look into his eyes and instantly smile. I'm ready to have sex at night and in the morning. I'm ready to explode with passion swiftly after hours of foreplay. I'm ready for kind words exchanged back and forth. Sure, I have sophisticated tastes, but that's not a reason to sell out your self worth. It's easy to get seduced by "the finer things", but none of those measures up against someone who touches you gently in the morning, tells you that you're special and someone who inspires you to return the favor.
What happens after that remains to be seen, a fact that both The Drummer and I can agree upon.
My friend Steve says not to question it. But that's my modus operendi, I'm a questioner. I'm an over thinker. I'm a ponderer. But Steve is right. Don't over think it.
Last night, The Drummer and I went to Little Toni's an old school Italian joint in the Valley. It's got menu items like:
SPAGHETTI with Meat Balls
SPAGHETTI with Meat Sauce
SPAGHETTI with Garlic and Oil
SPAGHETTI with Clam Sauce
SPAGHETTI with Broccoli
And the same but with Linguini.
It reminds me of Frantone's a place that I grew up going to when I was a kid in Downey, California. I've actually been dying to go back for a while, so this definitely satisfied that need. The submarine sandwiches at Frantone's had a tapenade made with olives on them. They were kind of like muffalettas disguised as submarine sandwiches. The oil and the cold cuts got all nice and soft, which contrasted with the crunch from the onions, tomatoes and lettuce. A bit of mayo. I have strong memories of getting subs from Frantone's and then heading to Huntington Beach to go body surfing. My skin, dark and lovely, baked brown in the sun back in the day when we didn't worry about skin cancer. Ah, innocence.
Little Toni's was like stepping into the past. The animated past. It seemed very LADY AND THE TRAMP. Not sure which one I would be since I've been both a lady and a tramp throughout my life. Either one would be fine. I'm not offended. We had salads with blue cheese dressing, shared a pizza with sausage, bell peppers and garlic and manicotti with meat sauce. That's the Italian food I was raised on, the kind served on red gingham tablecloths.
It's funny because I've been to Italy and have had some pretty amazing Italian food. Orcchette with rapini, sausage, garlic and olive oil. Wild Boar tagliettelli. I'm spelling all of those pasta names wrong. I've made my own gnocchi with brown butter, sage, balsamic and Parmesan. I think I need to take The Drummer to Torroni to have some fritto misti and some homemade pasta. When I think of Italian food now, that's the Italian food I think of. Am I a snob? Yeah, a bit. But I loved dinner last night too. My favorite thing my Mom makes is lasagna. I wanted to get the chopped salad or the antipasto platter at Little Toni's.
So while my tastes have evolved and broadened, I still love what I consider my childhood classics. But I think there's some room for some salume, cheeses and olives as antipasti. A Campari and Soda. Some bruschetta with lardo. I guess what I'm saying is that there's room for everything. Yes, I'm a snob, but I'm not snobby about my food. And I like the idea of sharing that knowledge with someone, much like that knowledge was shared with me.
To be honest, I prefer a burger from a place like Oinkster that does those great hamburger joint classics, but with everything from scratch than a place like Umami. Although I do love the Triple Pork Burger. But not everything has to be truffle this and foie gras that. Although I am craving bone marrow. I'd rather have chicken tacos from Pepe's Numbero Dos in Downey or Antonio's on Melrose than most things any day of the week.
How did this become a conversation about food instead of the question in the title of this blog post? Not sure. But am I ready to date again? I'm ready to be held by a sweet guy. I'm ready to look into his eyes and instantly smile. I'm ready to have sex at night and in the morning. I'm ready to explode with passion swiftly after hours of foreplay. I'm ready for kind words exchanged back and forth. Sure, I have sophisticated tastes, but that's not a reason to sell out your self worth. It's easy to get seduced by "the finer things", but none of those measures up against someone who touches you gently in the morning, tells you that you're special and someone who inspires you to return the favor.
What happens after that remains to be seen, a fact that both The Drummer and I can agree upon.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Hey, Old Friend
Yesterday, I went to go see an old grade school classmate of mine at a smoke shop she just opened with her fiance. It's amazing when you see people who knew you when you were awkward and young. My friend Kathleen has been through a lot in her life, but she's a warrior. She has a wonderful heart and approaches life with such a sense of humor and a hard won wisdom. She's the epitome of a graduate from the school of hard knocks. It's also amazing because she's got an 18 year old son who's smart, articulate and going after his own dreams. He's got a very unconventional mother, but a mother who so obviously loves and supports him.
And talking to him reminded me of myself at that age. He wanted to know about my time in New York and about where I travelled. I saw a young man who comes from a great foundation and who is ready to spread his wings. I'm a big believer that the more of yourself that you give to young people, the more information you give them, the higher they will soar despite their circumstances. Despite where they came from. Every child will benefit from knowledge.
I was inspired seeing her again. It just reminded me of my roots. I had a guy I dated years ago tell me that I was lying when I said I had come from a working class background. "But you're so articulate," he said. I was offended because the assumption was that because I was a smart, sophisticated guy that I had to have come from money. That's not the case. And I had the polar opposite experience of that with the ex because he met my family and had so many assumptions about the way I grew up. And he considered me unsophisticated because I kept it real. Just because I don't use five dollar words when I can use 25 cent ones. I don't impress with my knowledge when I can touch people with my heart. But I had a lot more elegance than he did in certain situations. I have always said that I would want to be at home walking through East LA or Boyle Heights as much as I feel at home at dinner in Beverly Hills or walking down Fifth Avenue in New York. All places I've been comfortable in, by the way. Ultimately, as I told Kathleen yesterday, we're just kids from Downey. There is no pretense. She remarked that seeing me again was like seeing family, seeing blood. And I agree. It's seeing someone who knew you when you were getting to know yourself.
It was nice. It was especially great to see that she's learned from her hard life and she's doing better for her self, her family and her son. I told her that she was setting an excellent example for her son. She's the finest example of a mother that I've seen in a long time. I really admire that. We can't accomplish anything without a strong foundation and a support system.
And talking to him reminded me of myself at that age. He wanted to know about my time in New York and about where I travelled. I saw a young man who comes from a great foundation and who is ready to spread his wings. I'm a big believer that the more of yourself that you give to young people, the more information you give them, the higher they will soar despite their circumstances. Despite where they came from. Every child will benefit from knowledge.
I was inspired seeing her again. It just reminded me of my roots. I had a guy I dated years ago tell me that I was lying when I said I had come from a working class background. "But you're so articulate," he said. I was offended because the assumption was that because I was a smart, sophisticated guy that I had to have come from money. That's not the case. And I had the polar opposite experience of that with the ex because he met my family and had so many assumptions about the way I grew up. And he considered me unsophisticated because I kept it real. Just because I don't use five dollar words when I can use 25 cent ones. I don't impress with my knowledge when I can touch people with my heart. But I had a lot more elegance than he did in certain situations. I have always said that I would want to be at home walking through East LA or Boyle Heights as much as I feel at home at dinner in Beverly Hills or walking down Fifth Avenue in New York. All places I've been comfortable in, by the way. Ultimately, as I told Kathleen yesterday, we're just kids from Downey. There is no pretense. She remarked that seeing me again was like seeing family, seeing blood. And I agree. It's seeing someone who knew you when you were getting to know yourself.
It was nice. It was especially great to see that she's learned from her hard life and she's doing better for her self, her family and her son. I told her that she was setting an excellent example for her son. She's the finest example of a mother that I've seen in a long time. I really admire that. We can't accomplish anything without a strong foundation and a support system.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Farewell Recap: My Ex
As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My Ex
Okay, so you know we're getting near the end of this journey if I've got a blog entry called "MY EX".
Carrie Bradshaw in SEX AND THE CITY, Season 4, Episode 3: Defining Moments said, "Maybe what defines a relationship is another relationship." Well, I'm not quite in a relationship with The Drummer, but I think the short amount of time spent with him so far has made a lot of things clearer to be about the past relationship. And a lot of it has been discussed in this blog.
But here's the thing. It's about respect. And I never should have compromised that. But without compromising that I would have never gotten to this place. It's like when I left LA for NYC, I didn't appreciate the wonderful things about my hometown until I left and came back. I didn't appreciate the good things about myself until I left and came back. I took plenty for granted and now those precious things to me like my self respect I will never take for granted again.
My Ex is a talented, charismatic, brilliant human being who needs a lot more heart to go with his head. It's kind of the finishing touch that would make everything better. It's that last pinch of salt on a sauce. Maybe a splash of white wine on the clams. Heart elevates everything. I devoted five years of my life to someone I believed in and really would have walked through the fire for (thank you Chaka Khan) and did.
Oh to be with him, I gladly risked it all...I'm paraphrasing. Right down to the wire. Even though the fire.
But fortunately I gave that to myself and I've elevated what was already there. But that's been covered. Here are the lessons that I'm learning in approaching my approach to happiness (not calling anything a relationship at this point):
Stay the person you are: I changed with the Ex. I became Hopelessly Devoted to Him. I thought that he would know how much I was devoted to him if I devoted all of myself to him. Yes, he was fully receptive of this. But I made the first move. I created the monster. This is where we basically locked into a well-established dynamic that was set up from our respective upbringings. I would love to blame him for treating me that way, but I gave him no choice. When he wanted me, there I was making it all about him. While that might have been a familiar dynamic to him, I stopped offering him an alternative early on.
Continue doing what you do: The Drummer hasn't stopped drumming since I came along and I don't want him to. So The Writer needs to keep writing and The Dancer needs to keep dancing and The Gym Boy needs to keep going to the gym and The Individual needs to keep being himself. The Ex fell in love with the person I was and fell out of love with the person I had turned into.
Is a lot of this starting to sound like I think it's my fault. Not intentional. But I'm taking responsibility because it's my blog and it's really easy to just lay it all on him since he has no say. It takes two to tango.
Good Sex to Start...Good Sex to Continue: The Drummer and I have already discussed the things we're going to try, the things we're consider our Greatest Hits, and the things we're going to research. There is chemistry and I will never enter into a relationship without the chemistry. A good friend of mine said wisely once that sex does not create intimacy, but it does deepen it. Our intimacy didn't deepen and that has to do with a million things besides sex, but there was not a daily practice of continuing and deepening intimacy. And I accepted that after one serious reprimand and never discussed my dissatisfaction again because his happiness/not hurting his feelings were more important than my happiness and my feelings. I know now that is what I did.
Talking is Fundamental: I'm talking about communication, y'all. I love to talk. I love to overtalk. I should never undertalk. I like to know what's going on and what the other person is feeling. And I gave that up for a person who was uncomfortable doing that. I was made to feel bad for wanting to talk it out and I spent a lot of frustrated moments thinking of how to overcome it. The answer - don't overcome it. Find someone who wants to communicate as much as I do.
No One Gonna Take Away My R&B and Soul: I love Cee Lo. Mary J. Blige. Chaka. Lisa Stansfield. Jorge Miguel aka George Michael. Patti Labelle. Music that expresses emotion in a loud, bombastic, danceable way. Non negotiable.
It has never been clearer to me than lately that my Ex was not the right one for me. My friends tried to convince me that was true three months, six months, a year before the break up. And two weeks, two months and after we broke up. But I couldn't hear it then. I missed him too much. I thought that maybe there might be an opportunity.
I have a friend who doesn't speak to me because I think she wants us to get back together and was the only person who tried to convince me to speak to him after the break up. And she's the only person who I know who might send him this link. I hope she doesn't out of respect to me. But if she did, then so be it. I have nothing to hide.
Maybe we both grow from this experience and find the right people for ourselves. When we had big fights he would say that maybe the answer is to break up so that we could truly find happiness. I don't know if he knew more than I did in those moments and that it was just me that needed to hang on. I think that as much as he said that and didn't want to confront the emotional truth in our relationship, that he didn't fully want us to break up. Maybe he stayed because he felt I needed that the most and was afraid I'd be fragile and break. Maybe I'll never know.
And that's okay. No maybes.
Dear friend,
The best to you. You opened my eyes to bigger things. I had already done a lot with my life when we met, but you are someone who wants to eat the whole pie and not a slice. You realize that "life is a buffet and most poor souls are starving to death." You live that in every fiber of your being. So that is what I will take from my love for you. I will live big.
But I hope you take something from me. Love big. Love so big that you are vulnerable. But love so big that your eyes stay wide open as well. Don't be blind, like I was. Tin Man, no more.
I don't know if we'll ever see each other again. I don't know if we'll cross paths because I'm checking out some different paths. But if we do see each other, I hope we will both be gracious.
Love,
Your Friend
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My Ex
Okay, so you know we're getting near the end of this journey if I've got a blog entry called "MY EX".
Carrie Bradshaw in SEX AND THE CITY, Season 4, Episode 3: Defining Moments said, "Maybe what defines a relationship is another relationship." Well, I'm not quite in a relationship with The Drummer, but I think the short amount of time spent with him so far has made a lot of things clearer to be about the past relationship. And a lot of it has been discussed in this blog.
But here's the thing. It's about respect. And I never should have compromised that. But without compromising that I would have never gotten to this place. It's like when I left LA for NYC, I didn't appreciate the wonderful things about my hometown until I left and came back. I didn't appreciate the good things about myself until I left and came back. I took plenty for granted and now those precious things to me like my self respect I will never take for granted again.
My Ex is a talented, charismatic, brilliant human being who needs a lot more heart to go with his head. It's kind of the finishing touch that would make everything better. It's that last pinch of salt on a sauce. Maybe a splash of white wine on the clams. Heart elevates everything. I devoted five years of my life to someone I believed in and really would have walked through the fire for (thank you Chaka Khan) and did.
Oh to be with him, I gladly risked it all...I'm paraphrasing. Right down to the wire. Even though the fire.
But fortunately I gave that to myself and I've elevated what was already there. But that's been covered. Here are the lessons that I'm learning in approaching my approach to happiness (not calling anything a relationship at this point):
Stay the person you are: I changed with the Ex. I became Hopelessly Devoted to Him. I thought that he would know how much I was devoted to him if I devoted all of myself to him. Yes, he was fully receptive of this. But I made the first move. I created the monster. This is where we basically locked into a well-established dynamic that was set up from our respective upbringings. I would love to blame him for treating me that way, but I gave him no choice. When he wanted me, there I was making it all about him. While that might have been a familiar dynamic to him, I stopped offering him an alternative early on.
Continue doing what you do: The Drummer hasn't stopped drumming since I came along and I don't want him to. So The Writer needs to keep writing and The Dancer needs to keep dancing and The Gym Boy needs to keep going to the gym and The Individual needs to keep being himself. The Ex fell in love with the person I was and fell out of love with the person I had turned into.
Is a lot of this starting to sound like I think it's my fault. Not intentional. But I'm taking responsibility because it's my blog and it's really easy to just lay it all on him since he has no say. It takes two to tango.
Good Sex to Start...Good Sex to Continue: The Drummer and I have already discussed the things we're going to try, the things we're consider our Greatest Hits, and the things we're going to research. There is chemistry and I will never enter into a relationship without the chemistry. A good friend of mine said wisely once that sex does not create intimacy, but it does deepen it. Our intimacy didn't deepen and that has to do with a million things besides sex, but there was not a daily practice of continuing and deepening intimacy. And I accepted that after one serious reprimand and never discussed my dissatisfaction again because his happiness/not hurting his feelings were more important than my happiness and my feelings. I know now that is what I did.
Talking is Fundamental: I'm talking about communication, y'all. I love to talk. I love to overtalk. I should never undertalk. I like to know what's going on and what the other person is feeling. And I gave that up for a person who was uncomfortable doing that. I was made to feel bad for wanting to talk it out and I spent a lot of frustrated moments thinking of how to overcome it. The answer - don't overcome it. Find someone who wants to communicate as much as I do.
No One Gonna Take Away My R&B and Soul: I love Cee Lo. Mary J. Blige. Chaka. Lisa Stansfield. Jorge Miguel aka George Michael. Patti Labelle. Music that expresses emotion in a loud, bombastic, danceable way. Non negotiable.
It has never been clearer to me than lately that my Ex was not the right one for me. My friends tried to convince me that was true three months, six months, a year before the break up. And two weeks, two months and after we broke up. But I couldn't hear it then. I missed him too much. I thought that maybe there might be an opportunity.
I have a friend who doesn't speak to me because I think she wants us to get back together and was the only person who tried to convince me to speak to him after the break up. And she's the only person who I know who might send him this link. I hope she doesn't out of respect to me. But if she did, then so be it. I have nothing to hide.
Maybe we both grow from this experience and find the right people for ourselves. When we had big fights he would say that maybe the answer is to break up so that we could truly find happiness. I don't know if he knew more than I did in those moments and that it was just me that needed to hang on. I think that as much as he said that and didn't want to confront the emotional truth in our relationship, that he didn't fully want us to break up. Maybe he stayed because he felt I needed that the most and was afraid I'd be fragile and break. Maybe I'll never know.
And that's okay. No maybes.
Dear friend,
The best to you. You opened my eyes to bigger things. I had already done a lot with my life when we met, but you are someone who wants to eat the whole pie and not a slice. You realize that "life is a buffet and most poor souls are starving to death." You live that in every fiber of your being. So that is what I will take from my love for you. I will live big.
But I hope you take something from me. Love big. Love so big that you are vulnerable. But love so big that your eyes stay wide open as well. Don't be blind, like I was. Tin Man, no more.
I don't know if we'll ever see each other again. I don't know if we'll cross paths because I'm checking out some different paths. But if we do see each other, I hope we will both be gracious.
Love,
Your Friend
What Am I Going to Get Done?
Productivity! Productivity Now!
I've got time on my hands.
Already working on the new play rewrite, CURSE OF THE ASIAN CHILD.
I technically am working with a production company on a webisode/pilot pitch that I'm revamping. Although it's been a while since either of us has been in touch.
I have a new idea for a comedy screen play.
There's a pilot I was working on and might want to revamp.
And another pilot idea I have that's got a Sci Fi bent.
Plus another play rewrite and a brand new play.
Is that enough? :)
Hey I've got time on my hands so why not empty out the brain on ideas and make room for more?
Ready, willing and able.
3...2...1
I've got time on my hands.
Already working on the new play rewrite, CURSE OF THE ASIAN CHILD.
I technically am working with a production company on a webisode/pilot pitch that I'm revamping. Although it's been a while since either of us has been in touch.
I have a new idea for a comedy screen play.
There's a pilot I was working on and might want to revamp.
And another pilot idea I have that's got a Sci Fi bent.
Plus another play rewrite and a brand new play.
Is that enough? :)
Hey I've got time on my hands so why not empty out the brain on ideas and make room for more?
Ready, willing and able.
3...2...1
What Do I Want?
Sometimes life offers up opportunities, which initially seem like challenges, that allow us to change course or to deepen a commitment to something. My job has ended and now I need to look for work. But to get stuck in another desk job seems like the wrong move. I need to get off the hamster wheel and figure out the next big move for me. Hopefully with unemployment and some frugal choices, I can figure that out.
Writing plays is just part of that. I love writing plays and I have a new play to finish for a workshop coming up in October. But that's not the end of it for me.
Does it involve thinking outside of LA? That's a possibility.
I am unsure if being a writer monkey is where I want to be. The idea of climbing a ladder that qualifies me to climb another ladder that leads to another and another and another doesn't seem attractive or inspiring or good for my soul. It's yet another thing to be in pursuit of that does not make me an artist or a happy person. And since that traditional route has not been successful, there must be something inherent in me that's rejecting it. Because it's not sticking. And it's making me question my passion for being a creative person. And that's not the point here - to be questioned at every angle.
What I discovered in this most recent job is that I'm perfectly qualified to not only produce television, but to be excellent at it. So because I took a risk and left my last job, I found that out. I worked for two of the most welcoming, accommodating, giving people I have ever worked for. And to be in a situation where I'm working for assholes, would be heart breaking. So the question remains:
WHAT DO I WANT?
It's the question one poses when they end a romantic relationship and one I've asked myself throughout this whole process. SO it's one I must ask myself now. And I trust that when that new path becomes clear, it won't look anything like what my life looks like now.
Writing plays is just part of that. I love writing plays and I have a new play to finish for a workshop coming up in October. But that's not the end of it for me.
Does it involve thinking outside of LA? That's a possibility.
I am unsure if being a writer monkey is where I want to be. The idea of climbing a ladder that qualifies me to climb another ladder that leads to another and another and another doesn't seem attractive or inspiring or good for my soul. It's yet another thing to be in pursuit of that does not make me an artist or a happy person. And since that traditional route has not been successful, there must be something inherent in me that's rejecting it. Because it's not sticking. And it's making me question my passion for being a creative person. And that's not the point here - to be questioned at every angle.
What I discovered in this most recent job is that I'm perfectly qualified to not only produce television, but to be excellent at it. So because I took a risk and left my last job, I found that out. I worked for two of the most welcoming, accommodating, giving people I have ever worked for. And to be in a situation where I'm working for assholes, would be heart breaking. So the question remains:
WHAT DO I WANT?
It's the question one poses when they end a romantic relationship and one I've asked myself throughout this whole process. SO it's one I must ask myself now. And I trust that when that new path becomes clear, it won't look anything like what my life looks like now.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Sexy Time: Date Suggestions
Here's a list of future "night in" date ideas for me and The Drummer.
Music: Cee Lo Green - THE LADY KILLER
Food: Angel Hair Pasta w/ Lemon Zest, Parmesan, and Arugula.
Drink: A rose, blush wine
After Dinner Activity: heavy petting and dry massages.
Music: Jeff Buckley - GRACE
Food: Thick Cut Pork Chops w/ a Spice Rub, Pan Roasted Brussel Sprouts and Sauteed Mushrooms.
Drink: Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey
After Dinner Activity: hard core slightly buzzed make out session, passing out in a food coma/drunken stupor.
Music: Madonna - LIKE A PRAYER
Food: Pasta Puttanesca and Eggplant Parmesean
Drink: A bottle of Soave
After Dinner Activity: discussing religious iconography in popular music while jacking off (no touching each other, just watching and stroking)
Music: Etta James - THE CHESS BOX SET
Food: Fried Chicken, Mac and Cheese, lots of Tabasco
Drink: Vodka Lemonades
After Dinner Activity: Talking music, singing to each other, tickles, laughter, making out, oral, 69, ass play, doing it, bukkake
Music: Stephen Sondheim - COMPANY (Original Cast Recording) and MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG (Original Cast Recording)
Food: Burgers, sweet potato fries and homemade ketchup
Drink: Beers
After Dinner Activity: confusion on The Drummer's part, oral w/ no reciprocation as an apology from me.
Music: Rufus Featuring Chaka Khan - RAGS TO RUFUS
Food: Steaks, Potatoes Au Gratin, Green Beans served with an Iceberg Wedge (blue cheese, bacon and tomoatoes) and a red cabbage slaw.
Drink: Cabernet
After Dinner Activity: full on, loud, hard core (but unfilmed) sex. satisfying for both. we decide to do it twice in a row.
Music: Cee Lo Green - THE LADY KILLER
Food: Angel Hair Pasta w/ Lemon Zest, Parmesan, and Arugula.
Drink: A rose, blush wine
After Dinner Activity: heavy petting and dry massages.
Music: Jeff Buckley - GRACE
Food: Thick Cut Pork Chops w/ a Spice Rub, Pan Roasted Brussel Sprouts and Sauteed Mushrooms.
Drink: Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey
After Dinner Activity: hard core slightly buzzed make out session, passing out in a food coma/drunken stupor.
Music: Madonna - LIKE A PRAYER
Food: Pasta Puttanesca and Eggplant Parmesean
Drink: A bottle of Soave
After Dinner Activity: discussing religious iconography in popular music while jacking off (no touching each other, just watching and stroking)
Music: Etta James - THE CHESS BOX SET
Food: Fried Chicken, Mac and Cheese, lots of Tabasco
Drink: Vodka Lemonades
After Dinner Activity: Talking music, singing to each other, tickles, laughter, making out, oral, 69, ass play, doing it, bukkake
Music: Stephen Sondheim - COMPANY (Original Cast Recording) and MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG (Original Cast Recording)
Food: Burgers, sweet potato fries and homemade ketchup
Drink: Beers
After Dinner Activity: confusion on The Drummer's part, oral w/ no reciprocation as an apology from me.
Music: Rufus Featuring Chaka Khan - RAGS TO RUFUS
Food: Steaks, Potatoes Au Gratin, Green Beans served with an Iceberg Wedge (blue cheese, bacon and tomoatoes) and a red cabbage slaw.
Drink: Cabernet
After Dinner Activity: full on, loud, hard core (but unfilmed) sex. satisfying for both. we decide to do it twice in a row.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Night Owl
I'm an old lady.
I love a 4:30 PM dinner, an Early Bird Special. I like to get up early in the morning and to take an afternoon nap.
The Drummer is a bit of a late bird. He'll call me late and we'll chat on the phone. He came over at 10:45 PM the other night and we were up until probably around 2 or 3. We went on our drive around 6 PM and came home around 10:30, then had some fun until around midnight. It's crazy!
We slept in this morning until around 10:30ish. This is totally messing with my schedule. I'm going to have to take more naps throughout the day if I keep banging the drum. (Ha ha - I'm not really banging the drum, nor is The Drum banging me - we're taking it slow)
Can I just say how nice it is when you've got bedroom chemistry with someone? We just kind of fit that way. Who knows what the future may bring, but you have to start out with chemistry. The sex has to be right there from the beginning. The affection has to be there and the conversation has to be flowing. For any relationship to work for me, it's got to be hot in the sack. It's got to be going off in the sack, actually. Let's do it, try it, experiment, get loud, tell each other what we want to do to the other person...go off! If it's not that way, then it's not worth it. The passion's got to be there. I will not settle for bad sex again. Maybe I should correct myself, I will not settle for lack of chemistry and for things I don't enjoy.
You have to know how to hold me. How I want to be touched. And I feel that is another chemistry thing...certain nuts and bolts can be finessed, but you've got to just match up with me in that department and the Drummer definitely does. He gets it.
This is something else the Drummer does that I like...he tells me how he feels when we're in bed. He says that he likes me and that he's having fun and that what we're doing is awesome. By the way, probably the only person who uses the word "awesome" more than I do. I'm a fan of someone who is affectionate and sweet outside of the bedroom and really aggressive in the bedroom. It's a great contrast.
It's a great foundation for...who knows? But it's a great foundation. And no expectations, beyond that.
I love a 4:30 PM dinner, an Early Bird Special. I like to get up early in the morning and to take an afternoon nap.
The Drummer is a bit of a late bird. He'll call me late and we'll chat on the phone. He came over at 10:45 PM the other night and we were up until probably around 2 or 3. We went on our drive around 6 PM and came home around 10:30, then had some fun until around midnight. It's crazy!
We slept in this morning until around 10:30ish. This is totally messing with my schedule. I'm going to have to take more naps throughout the day if I keep banging the drum. (Ha ha - I'm not really banging the drum, nor is The Drum banging me - we're taking it slow)
Can I just say how nice it is when you've got bedroom chemistry with someone? We just kind of fit that way. Who knows what the future may bring, but you have to start out with chemistry. The sex has to be right there from the beginning. The affection has to be there and the conversation has to be flowing. For any relationship to work for me, it's got to be hot in the sack. It's got to be going off in the sack, actually. Let's do it, try it, experiment, get loud, tell each other what we want to do to the other person...go off! If it's not that way, then it's not worth it. The passion's got to be there. I will not settle for bad sex again. Maybe I should correct myself, I will not settle for lack of chemistry and for things I don't enjoy.
You have to know how to hold me. How I want to be touched. And I feel that is another chemistry thing...certain nuts and bolts can be finessed, but you've got to just match up with me in that department and the Drummer definitely does. He gets it.
This is something else the Drummer does that I like...he tells me how he feels when we're in bed. He says that he likes me and that he's having fun and that what we're doing is awesome. By the way, probably the only person who uses the word "awesome" more than I do. I'm a fan of someone who is affectionate and sweet outside of the bedroom and really aggressive in the bedroom. It's a great contrast.
It's a great foundation for...who knows? But it's a great foundation. And no expectations, beyond that.
Crushing
Okay, so let's officially give this new guy a nickname: The Drummer.
The Drummer and I spent yesterday afternoon and evening and night and this morning together. I'm officially crushing on him. It has only been a week and three dates in, but I'm definitely vibing on this dude. He's laid back and very sweet. But he's also sexy as hell. This is what I like: he wants to make personal memories, not just impressive ones. We drove on the Angeles Crest Highway through the National Forest and into Wrightwood. Just to go on a great drive. We chatted the whole way, held hands, touched legs, kissed and listened to Sirius Satellite Radio.
I think it's safe to say that we're enjoying each others company. We like each other a lot. His body is fantastic. He's got the best face and I'm definitely in that honeymoon period. And because his schedule is so crazy right now, it creates some needed distance. That ensures that things don't move too quickly.
I'm so loving his body. It's great to be with someone who has a nice body, but isn't too obsessive about it. It is super hot.
Gosh, I'm crushing hard.
The Drummer and I spent yesterday afternoon and evening and night and this morning together. I'm officially crushing on him. It has only been a week and three dates in, but I'm definitely vibing on this dude. He's laid back and very sweet. But he's also sexy as hell. This is what I like: he wants to make personal memories, not just impressive ones. We drove on the Angeles Crest Highway through the National Forest and into Wrightwood. Just to go on a great drive. We chatted the whole way, held hands, touched legs, kissed and listened to Sirius Satellite Radio.
I think it's safe to say that we're enjoying each others company. We like each other a lot. His body is fantastic. He's got the best face and I'm definitely in that honeymoon period. And because his schedule is so crazy right now, it creates some needed distance. That ensures that things don't move too quickly.
I'm so loving his body. It's great to be with someone who has a nice body, but isn't too obsessive about it. It is super hot.
Gosh, I'm crushing hard.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Back on the Horse
So here I am on a Friday night, watching Sex and the City reruns on the Style network and drinking some Tennessee Honey. He's got a gig and I'm writing.
Am I ready to start dating? All signs seem to point in that direction. The man looked hot in my bed this morning, just waiting for me to climb back in. Last night I caught him sprawled out totally naked while we were sleeping. So sexy.
I haven't had that in a while. Well, maybe ever. I've always dated based on personality and never on looks. I fuck based on looks, but not dating. And I'm not interested in him purely for looks, but from certain angles he looks like Bradley Cooper and that's hot.
Plus we have conversations about real shit. And he's got feelings he seems to be in touch with. Plus we can't keep our lips and hands off of each other. He smelled fantastic last night. And his hair is cute. He's got a sweet smile. God, I'm crushing hard.
But it is fun. We were up late last night too. Great stuff. But treating this as a lesson in restraint. Focused on my own stuff. And he's got a busy schedule with all of his gigs. So that's a good thing.
And this is fun. Just enjoying myself.
Am I ready to start dating? All signs seem to point in that direction. The man looked hot in my bed this morning, just waiting for me to climb back in. Last night I caught him sprawled out totally naked while we were sleeping. So sexy.
I haven't had that in a while. Well, maybe ever. I've always dated based on personality and never on looks. I fuck based on looks, but not dating. And I'm not interested in him purely for looks, but from certain angles he looks like Bradley Cooper and that's hot.
Plus we have conversations about real shit. And he's got feelings he seems to be in touch with. Plus we can't keep our lips and hands off of each other. He smelled fantastic last night. And his hair is cute. He's got a sweet smile. God, I'm crushing hard.
But it is fun. We were up late last night too. Great stuff. But treating this as a lesson in restraint. Focused on my own stuff. And he's got a busy schedule with all of his gigs. So that's a good thing.
And this is fun. Just enjoying myself.
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Friday, July 15, 2011
Feeling Good
There was a hot man in my bed last night and this morning. Funny, charming, sweet, loves to talk and a smoking hot body. Smoking hot. Like freaking smoking hotness all over the place.
Winning combo: Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey, meatballs, pig candy, homemade ketchup and sweet potato fries. Loving it.
The more I'm learning about him, the more I'm liking.
Winning combo: Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey, meatballs, pig candy, homemade ketchup and sweet potato fries. Loving it.
The more I'm learning about him, the more I'm liking.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Cooking for Two
When I like a dude, I want to cook for him. I start going on line to look for impressive things I haven't made before. And sometimes I pull out my "greatest hits" in an effort to impress. But I know whether or not I'm interested based on whether or not I want to cook.
So what's on the menu for tonight?
Well, he's coming over at 10 pm, so it's more like a late night snack menu. He's bringing over Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey. So I'm looking to do something meaty, spicy and bold to match the boldness and the sweetness of the liquor. And to do that I'm reaching into the bag of tricks.
Homemade ketchup. This will go with some store bought sweet potato fries and turkey meatballs. My own meatballs will be on the menu at some point. But I'm rushing from dance class.
Pig Candy. Bacon with brown sugar and chili powder. It's so good.
Booze it up!
Looking forward to food that will put us in the mood.
So what's on the menu for tonight?
Well, he's coming over at 10 pm, so it's more like a late night snack menu. He's bringing over Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey. So I'm looking to do something meaty, spicy and bold to match the boldness and the sweetness of the liquor. And to do that I'm reaching into the bag of tricks.
Homemade ketchup. This will go with some store bought sweet potato fries and turkey meatballs. My own meatballs will be on the menu at some point. But I'm rushing from dance class.
Pig Candy. Bacon with brown sugar and chili powder. It's so good.
Booze it up!
Looking forward to food that will put us in the mood.
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Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Sparks
I'm sparking with someone. He's cute and funny and sweet and sincere. We were on the phone for three hours last night. I don't remember the last time that happened. In a way it's like going back to high school. I just like him. He's easy to chat with and I feel like I get who he is on the surface. Nothing hidden.
It is fun. He's a drummer. I feel like there are things about his world I don't know about and things about mine he's unfamiliar with and that's okay.
He's also real, which I so appreciate. Sexy as hell, by the way. Body is great. He's touchy and kissy and seems comfortable in his own skin. Thank God! He doesn't seem like he's over compensating for anything.
And there's no guesswork. He's vibing on me and I'm vibing on him. Period.
There is something about a person who just knows who they are. It's the biggest turn on in the world. It also highlights the difference between someone who wants everyone to think they're okay, but displays so much evidence to the contrary. It's uncomfortable to watch someone try so hard. And it's such a relief when someone just is who they claim to be.
It is fun. He's a drummer. I feel like there are things about his world I don't know about and things about mine he's unfamiliar with and that's okay.
He's also real, which I so appreciate. Sexy as hell, by the way. Body is great. He's touchy and kissy and seems comfortable in his own skin. Thank God! He doesn't seem like he's over compensating for anything.
And there's no guesswork. He's vibing on me and I'm vibing on him. Period.
There is something about a person who just knows who they are. It's the biggest turn on in the world. It also highlights the difference between someone who wants everyone to think they're okay, but displays so much evidence to the contrary. It's uncomfortable to watch someone try so hard. And it's such a relief when someone just is who they claim to be.
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Sunday, July 10, 2011
Day Dating
Since I'm on hiatus right now and I'm single, I have the opportunity to do some day dating, which is kind of fun.
So tomorrow I have a gentleman caller coming over for lunch. Here's the menu, should be fun:
Pan fried New York steaks w/ an herbed compound butter
Romaine salad w/ lemon and olive oil
some sort of grilled veggie or buttery starchy something - not sure yet
I'm putting some effort into this, for sure. This guy is a musician and teacher. Met him at the gym "working out." He seems very funny and super cute. I think he has a hot ass, too. If I remember correctly.
I love that he asked "White or Red". Day dating needs some day drinking as well. I'm a super fan of that, of course.
I'm going to be super casual in terms of attire. Bare feet and some sort of pull over something over other. I'm going to be the skinny male ethnic Ina Garten up in this joint.
And then maybe a little jaunt over to Milk for dessert. I think that's nice and romantic and fun.
I'm sure Date #2 this week with the actor will be less romantic. Both guys have definitely made me laugh, but the actor guy I'm holding back on a bit. I'm skeptical. Actors are weird to me. I love them in rehearsal and I think they're fantastic. But to date...that's a bit rough for me. But the guy is hot and funny...although in a hammy way, which I typically don't respond to. But he's hot. And right now, that's all I basically require.
Although the musician's humorous in a much more laid back way, which I typically respond to better. I don't like a guy who tries too hard. Anymore. I don't like a guy who tries too hard any more.
So tomorrow I have a gentleman caller coming over for lunch. Here's the menu, should be fun:
Pan fried New York steaks w/ an herbed compound butter
Romaine salad w/ lemon and olive oil
some sort of grilled veggie or buttery starchy something - not sure yet
I'm putting some effort into this, for sure. This guy is a musician and teacher. Met him at the gym "working out." He seems very funny and super cute. I think he has a hot ass, too. If I remember correctly.
I love that he asked "White or Red". Day dating needs some day drinking as well. I'm a super fan of that, of course.
I'm going to be super casual in terms of attire. Bare feet and some sort of pull over something over other. I'm going to be the skinny male ethnic Ina Garten up in this joint.
And then maybe a little jaunt over to Milk for dessert. I think that's nice and romantic and fun.
I'm sure Date #2 this week with the actor will be less romantic. Both guys have definitely made me laugh, but the actor guy I'm holding back on a bit. I'm skeptical. Actors are weird to me. I love them in rehearsal and I think they're fantastic. But to date...that's a bit rough for me. But the guy is hot and funny...although in a hammy way, which I typically don't respond to. But he's hot. And right now, that's all I basically require.
Although the musician's humorous in a much more laid back way, which I typically respond to better. I don't like a guy who tries too hard. Anymore. I don't like a guy who tries too hard any more.
Trying a new look: Glasses
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Dating is like Netflix
I was at Outfest yesterday, which is the Gay and Lesbian Film Festival held in Los Angeles every year with my friend Susan for the screening of a film called THE GREEN with Cheyenne Jackson, Illeana Douglas and Julia Ormond. It was a very well done drama about a gay high school teacher who gets accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a student with a troubled family background. It's about class issues and this sort of liberal attitude that often masks some very traditional values when push comes to shove. I liked it a lot. And at the center of it was this very sweet gay relationship which gets pushed to its limits.
And of course everything reminds me of my relationship with my ex (I will be glad when I'm done with this blog in part to stop relating EVERYTHING to my ex). I realized that I really miss that sort of intimacy. I miss having a person to cuddle with in bed. I miss bugging someone when you want attention. I miss that sort of funny interplay that happens between couples who have been together for a while. I see the same thing between Jeffrey Alan Marks and Ross Cassidy on MILLION DOLLAR DECORATORS on Bravo. Yes, those two men are the model version of a gay relationship; but there's a certain self-effacing quality about the relationship. There's a comfort, but at the same time, a "I'm not going to let you get away with that" attitude. And that I miss. This dating thing that I'm embarking on is daunting and scary. I really don't want to do it. I just want the perfect guy for me to show up on my doorstep. Like Netflix.
I guess you could say that I'm building my queue.
And based on my choices, friends suggest other people I should go out with. Oh...friends! I was out at the after party with Susan and we ran into about four or five people we know. I ran into my friend Jen who used to run this reading series I used to go to on Tuesdays. Then we ran into our friend Kelly who is the Literary Manager at South Coast Rep and she was with this guy Greg who I had a meeting with years ago. And then Greg introduced me to another friend of his, Jeff, who is an actor and very cute. He might be a little actory for me. I've always said I'd never date an actor. But Susan married Clayton and he's an actor and they're happy and having a baby. Actors tend to be a little too "on" for me. Although my best friend, the first actor I've known personally, doesn't exhibit any of the stereotypical needy qualities that other actors have. She set the bar high for me when I was 11 and even as she's gotten older and more successful, she's not a pain in the ass.
So I sent an email out to Jeff seeing if he wants to go out. Then Susan's going to inquire about her friend Paul, a screenwriter, because according to her, he was checking me out. Then I've got this day time date with another guy named Jeff tomorrow. Then who knows? More dating ahead! And based on how these go and discussions with my ever expanding group of friends (those who I'm spending more time with and those I'm reacquainting myself with as well as new friends), I'm sure there will be more boys in my queue. And eventually I'll get closer and closer to a more perfect fit. I just have to get enough guys in the queue so that the system (i.e. the universe)will make a more informed choice. More to follow on that. Maybe in one of the new blogs I want to start writing.
And of course everything reminds me of my relationship with my ex (I will be glad when I'm done with this blog in part to stop relating EVERYTHING to my ex). I realized that I really miss that sort of intimacy. I miss having a person to cuddle with in bed. I miss bugging someone when you want attention. I miss that sort of funny interplay that happens between couples who have been together for a while. I see the same thing between Jeffrey Alan Marks and Ross Cassidy on MILLION DOLLAR DECORATORS on Bravo. Yes, those two men are the model version of a gay relationship; but there's a certain self-effacing quality about the relationship. There's a comfort, but at the same time, a "I'm not going to let you get away with that" attitude. And that I miss. This dating thing that I'm embarking on is daunting and scary. I really don't want to do it. I just want the perfect guy for me to show up on my doorstep. Like Netflix.
I guess you could say that I'm building my queue.
And based on my choices, friends suggest other people I should go out with. Oh...friends! I was out at the after party with Susan and we ran into about four or five people we know. I ran into my friend Jen who used to run this reading series I used to go to on Tuesdays. Then we ran into our friend Kelly who is the Literary Manager at South Coast Rep and she was with this guy Greg who I had a meeting with years ago. And then Greg introduced me to another friend of his, Jeff, who is an actor and very cute. He might be a little actory for me. I've always said I'd never date an actor. But Susan married Clayton and he's an actor and they're happy and having a baby. Actors tend to be a little too "on" for me. Although my best friend, the first actor I've known personally, doesn't exhibit any of the stereotypical needy qualities that other actors have. She set the bar high for me when I was 11 and even as she's gotten older and more successful, she's not a pain in the ass.
So I sent an email out to Jeff seeing if he wants to go out. Then Susan's going to inquire about her friend Paul, a screenwriter, because according to her, he was checking me out. Then I've got this day time date with another guy named Jeff tomorrow. Then who knows? More dating ahead! And based on how these go and discussions with my ever expanding group of friends (those who I'm spending more time with and those I'm reacquainting myself with as well as new friends), I'm sure there will be more boys in my queue. And eventually I'll get closer and closer to a more perfect fit. I just have to get enough guys in the queue so that the system (i.e. the universe)will make a more informed choice. More to follow on that. Maybe in one of the new blogs I want to start writing.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Farewell Recap: My Health
As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My health
I had a massage last night. The circumstances to how this massage happened are unimportant. But when I was on my stomach the guy massaging me made an interesting observation. He said that I was holding onto some fat that he could feel (he has experience with acupuncture and massage training). It's the type of fat that clogs arteries and while I won't have a problem immediately, it's something I should get rid of so I don't have problems in the future.
I have been eating the bacon and sausage my father is trying to get rid of so they don't have it in the fridge. Probably not the best idea...to just eat the fatty foods my father can't.
But this guy said that I should get rid of about 4% body fat. This is what's funny. I am a vain person. But I like to think that I instinctively know what my body needs. I've lost weight recently and have thinned down - I've never been overweight, but I've always held onto a little bit of extra weight. But here's the point. I don't think I look good from the back. There's something about my body that doesn't seem right. Not that I have to be skinny skinny with six pack abs, but something just seems off. So maybe I actually knew something was wrong. And 4% less body fat is good for me. Last time I measured I was about 16, which was down from 20. But I've gotten skinnier, so maybe I'm about 12-14 now and I could get down to 8-10. I'm all about it. For health reasons of course.
But it's something to think about. This sort of preventative information put it all into perspective. My Dad has been a relatively thin person his whole life. That doesn't make him healthy. But that's what we think skinny=healthy. Not true. And if I want to avoid having the same health problems, I need to cut out the fat in my diet. My brother is naturally thin and his natural body type is really thin. He's got broad shoulders and looks hot. But he is not a stocky person. He's got a tiny waist.
It's all about being where you're supposed to be. And I'm supposed to be lighter in body fat by 4 percent. Holla!
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My health
I had a massage last night. The circumstances to how this massage happened are unimportant. But when I was on my stomach the guy massaging me made an interesting observation. He said that I was holding onto some fat that he could feel (he has experience with acupuncture and massage training). It's the type of fat that clogs arteries and while I won't have a problem immediately, it's something I should get rid of so I don't have problems in the future.
I have been eating the bacon and sausage my father is trying to get rid of so they don't have it in the fridge. Probably not the best idea...to just eat the fatty foods my father can't.
But this guy said that I should get rid of about 4% body fat. This is what's funny. I am a vain person. But I like to think that I instinctively know what my body needs. I've lost weight recently and have thinned down - I've never been overweight, but I've always held onto a little bit of extra weight. But here's the point. I don't think I look good from the back. There's something about my body that doesn't seem right. Not that I have to be skinny skinny with six pack abs, but something just seems off. So maybe I actually knew something was wrong. And 4% less body fat is good for me. Last time I measured I was about 16, which was down from 20. But I've gotten skinnier, so maybe I'm about 12-14 now and I could get down to 8-10. I'm all about it. For health reasons of course.
But it's something to think about. This sort of preventative information put it all into perspective. My Dad has been a relatively thin person his whole life. That doesn't make him healthy. But that's what we think skinny=healthy. Not true. And if I want to avoid having the same health problems, I need to cut out the fat in my diet. My brother is naturally thin and his natural body type is really thin. He's got broad shoulders and looks hot. But he is not a stocky person. He's got a tiny waist.
It's all about being where you're supposed to be. And I'm supposed to be lighter in body fat by 4 percent. Holla!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Farewell Recap: My Dancing
As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My dancing
When I was a child, I asked my parents if I could take dance classes at the YMCA. I was probably around 7 or 8 years old.
They said no. We couldn't afford it. The next year, they put my brother in soccer.
I've always said that if I had started dancing at 7 or 8, that I wouldn't have stopped and my life might be very different. I'd probably be a lot queenier. And probably way skinnier, but stronger physically at an earlier age. Don't get me wrong: I'm happy the way it worked out. I'm a writer and I am now starting to take dance classes again.
I had studied in college. Jazz, Modern and Ballet. Then I took up some yoga and hip hop here and there over the years. But now I'm getting back into both my yoga practice and my dance practice. The dancing is really just for fun these days. I take two different hip hop classes and I have to say that I dance with a lot more command than I used to. I just wasn't confident when I was younger. I was also 40 pounds lighter than I am now. So I had no strength in my body. And this dancing isn't creative or artistic. It's purely for fun.
Tonight I was in Michael Allan's dance class at LA Fitness and I rocked the fuck out of the routine. It was to some Janet Jackson song. But it was like I was in the front line during senior year and my name was Leroy...and my life was the film and subsequent TV version of FAME. This is the thing with dance, you can pour your emotion into it. And that's what I did tonight. I put everything into it...and the dance gave me back everything I wanted. It was a bit of a jazz influenced routine and at the end we had to drop to our knees and whip our heads back. And that's the kind of dance the 7 or 8 year old in me relishes.
So I got to give him a bit more of his dance life back. And from the looks of it and the comments of my friends in class, he got everything he could ever want...and more.
Tomorrow, that boy will be in heaven because I'm going to take a dance class that will be filmed for the local ABC affiliate out here in LA. It's GROOV3 and all they do is play great old 90s hip hop. It's my childhood all over again. So I'm putting on a cute outfit and I'm going to go out there and rock...the house down.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My dancing
When I was a child, I asked my parents if I could take dance classes at the YMCA. I was probably around 7 or 8 years old.
They said no. We couldn't afford it. The next year, they put my brother in soccer.
I've always said that if I had started dancing at 7 or 8, that I wouldn't have stopped and my life might be very different. I'd probably be a lot queenier. And probably way skinnier, but stronger physically at an earlier age. Don't get me wrong: I'm happy the way it worked out. I'm a writer and I am now starting to take dance classes again.
I had studied in college. Jazz, Modern and Ballet. Then I took up some yoga and hip hop here and there over the years. But now I'm getting back into both my yoga practice and my dance practice. The dancing is really just for fun these days. I take two different hip hop classes and I have to say that I dance with a lot more command than I used to. I just wasn't confident when I was younger. I was also 40 pounds lighter than I am now. So I had no strength in my body. And this dancing isn't creative or artistic. It's purely for fun.
Tonight I was in Michael Allan's dance class at LA Fitness and I rocked the fuck out of the routine. It was to some Janet Jackson song. But it was like I was in the front line during senior year and my name was Leroy...and my life was the film and subsequent TV version of FAME. This is the thing with dance, you can pour your emotion into it. And that's what I did tonight. I put everything into it...and the dance gave me back everything I wanted. It was a bit of a jazz influenced routine and at the end we had to drop to our knees and whip our heads back. And that's the kind of dance the 7 or 8 year old in me relishes.
So I got to give him a bit more of his dance life back. And from the looks of it and the comments of my friends in class, he got everything he could ever want...and more.
Tomorrow, that boy will be in heaven because I'm going to take a dance class that will be filmed for the local ABC affiliate out here in LA. It's GROOV3 and all they do is play great old 90s hip hop. It's my childhood all over again. So I'm putting on a cute outfit and I'm going to go out there and rock...the house down.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Breaking News: My Mojo is Back in Full Effect
I interrupt this Farewell Recap celebration to announce that apparently people want to have sex with me.
My Mojo is back in full effect, apparently. I can't take full credit however, I must thank a particular set of circumstances. It's like Miranda said in Season Six of SEX AND THE CITY when she fit into her skinny jeans. She recently had baby Brady and didn't have time to eat. Then her and the girls went to the club Bed, where she discovered that there were still a plethora of hot men still in Manhattan. I'm having the same epiphany.
I stopped working, waiting for our show to get picked up. Then I had time to work out. And my father got sick, so I've been a bit stressed with that. But we also have to make sure my father eats an incredibly clean diet - no processed foods, low sodium and a bunch of other things that he needs to chillax on. But that means that I'm also eating healthier, partially as an act of solidarity. And because of that stress, I'm hitting the gym more often because I need an outlet. But I have been forgetting to eat breakfast because there's hardly anything my Dad can eat for breakfast and I really don't want to be throwing it in his face that I can have certain things that he can't. It's just not nice.
But I was at a pool party this past weekend and my friend Emily (I mentioned this before) said I had lost weight. And we're in a group of people where fitness matters. It's LA - we work in either the entertainment, fashion or interior design worlds. And I was at dance class tonight and my friend Tiffany said I was skinnier.
Then I was at the gym today and saw a cute guy naked in the showers, who seemed to be excited by my naked body in the showers as well. And there were a few guys on Grindr who wanted to have sex with me. I'm also working a black rimmed eyeglass. So I think that has an effect as well. So I'm planning a lunch date with the cute guy next Monday perhaps. He's awfully cute. And I got a sneak peek at the goods...and the goods are good.
But I think because I'm skinnier than I've been lately (which is only 3-4 pounds less than I've been), the guys I'm hooking up with immediately assume I'm a bottom. I used to get this all of the time when I was younger because I was really skinny and really young looking. At the time, I wasn't having anal sex at all. Then I met my first serious boyfriend, Jason and we started having sex and I totally bottomed for him. But just about every boyfriend I've had since I've topped and bottomed for. And with the most recent ex, I discovered my inner top.
But maybe that's it. If I want to be a skinny bitch, I also have to settle for being a bottom bitch. Although, for the record...that has not happened yet.
So sorry to interrupt all of these farewells that I've been writing, but I just had to remark that Stella has gotten her groove back after a brief resurgence post break up and then a longer drought. We'll have to see how it all goes.
My Mojo is back in full effect, apparently. I can't take full credit however, I must thank a particular set of circumstances. It's like Miranda said in Season Six of SEX AND THE CITY when she fit into her skinny jeans. She recently had baby Brady and didn't have time to eat. Then her and the girls went to the club Bed, where she discovered that there were still a plethora of hot men still in Manhattan. I'm having the same epiphany.
I stopped working, waiting for our show to get picked up. Then I had time to work out. And my father got sick, so I've been a bit stressed with that. But we also have to make sure my father eats an incredibly clean diet - no processed foods, low sodium and a bunch of other things that he needs to chillax on. But that means that I'm also eating healthier, partially as an act of solidarity. And because of that stress, I'm hitting the gym more often because I need an outlet. But I have been forgetting to eat breakfast because there's hardly anything my Dad can eat for breakfast and I really don't want to be throwing it in his face that I can have certain things that he can't. It's just not nice.
But I was at a pool party this past weekend and my friend Emily (I mentioned this before) said I had lost weight. And we're in a group of people where fitness matters. It's LA - we work in either the entertainment, fashion or interior design worlds. And I was at dance class tonight and my friend Tiffany said I was skinnier.
Then I was at the gym today and saw a cute guy naked in the showers, who seemed to be excited by my naked body in the showers as well. And there were a few guys on Grindr who wanted to have sex with me. I'm also working a black rimmed eyeglass. So I think that has an effect as well. So I'm planning a lunch date with the cute guy next Monday perhaps. He's awfully cute. And I got a sneak peek at the goods...and the goods are good.
But I think because I'm skinnier than I've been lately (which is only 3-4 pounds less than I've been), the guys I'm hooking up with immediately assume I'm a bottom. I used to get this all of the time when I was younger because I was really skinny and really young looking. At the time, I wasn't having anal sex at all. Then I met my first serious boyfriend, Jason and we started having sex and I totally bottomed for him. But just about every boyfriend I've had since I've topped and bottomed for. And with the most recent ex, I discovered my inner top.
But maybe that's it. If I want to be a skinny bitch, I also have to settle for being a bottom bitch. Although, for the record...that has not happened yet.
So sorry to interrupt all of these farewells that I've been writing, but I just had to remark that Stella has gotten her groove back after a brief resurgence post break up and then a longer drought. We'll have to see how it all goes.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Farewell Recap: My Work
As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My work
My work...meaning my writing...meaning my playwriting, I guess.
I've written some of my most affecting plays while working through a relationship or being mad at someone. I wrote a play right after grad school called DEEPER THAN THE NIGHT, which was about a relationship that was failing due to drugs, alcohol and sex. That's because I was in a relationship that felt like it was going implode any minute. Then I wrote a play about my grandmother a few years ago in which I was trying to work out my own issues with my Dad. And now I've got THE SNAKE CHARMER, which has a lot of stuff in it that's influenced by the ex.
I always say that I write in order to understand my world...it's my lens through which things get filtered. It's always better when I have real source material in my own life or when I can find that. I've been writing this blog in order to help me understand all of the changes that have been happening in the past 8 months. And anything I write usually has some sort of theme that runs through it that's consistent with what I've written before. or I'm going through something, which is kind of what's happening with THE SNAKE CHARMER.
In this play, I'm basically writing about objectification - what happens when the image of something becomes more important to a person than the thing or person or situation itself. I believe this happened during my relationship. The idea of a boyfriend was greater than my ex actually having me in his life. The companionship was comforting and having someone with my pedigree and my physical appearance reflected well on him. But the work of the relationship - the trust, the day to day, the emotional component - became too hard. For both of us. He's not the only one to blame for that. And the play's also about imbalance - whether that's due to race or class or station in life or age even. All of these things have resonance in my life, both in the recent past and in the distant past as well.
I'm in the process of editing the play right now so I can send it to some theatres this month. And what I'm listening for is how true the characters' voices and the situations ring for me. And I feel I have a lot of places to draw from.
My approach to my work has changed since the break up. I have had a strong need to get back in a rehearsal room and be around a community of actors. So that's what we did with this most recent workshop. And I feel the need to be closer to my playwriting work, to devote more time consciously to it because that's where I feel my voice sings. I've been so worried about making a name and making money that I really have not been paying attention to my creative voice. I've had the ear of people who aren't creative who are trying to advise me that I've keeping away the voices of people who are supportive and who do care about me. And a good majority of those people are theatre people. I want to do the work and be involved in it - that matters more than money to me. Although making money is a completely separate endeavor. They are not mutually exclusive ideas, but I can't try to get from film and TV what I NEED from theatre. That I've learned...and it has taken me a long time to learn that lesson. But I think I'll be happier because of it.
There's one thing I've always hated and that's writers talking about writing. However, given the changes that have gone on this entire year, my work has become more important than ever. Not just for distraction sake, but it's my voice. And the running theme has been to pay more attention to MY voice. It's also the lens through which I understand my surroundings. And that has been more important than ever. I've got another workshop of a play called CURSE OF THE ASIAN CHILD coming up in the Fall. And I'm hoping to get back to another play that I wrote about cancer and tiger penises. And there's this play I've been dying to write for over a year about a band sitting down to make their next album. And I'm looking for collaborators to do that with because I do want to include original music. So there's a lot of work to do, work that will keep me busy at least for the next year. And after that, I have no other ideas, but I feel I need to get these ideas funneled through so that I can then start incubating the next ideas that will enter my head.
But THE SNAKE CHARMER has legs...I know that. And the ASIAN CHILD play's got some bite to it as well. I'm very excited about both of those because they're hefty subject matter. The ASIAN CHILD play is so dark that it's got to be funny. It's just too dark not to be. But it's also painful and sweet and sad. I've got a draft of it that is okay. It got some good response when I sent it out a little while ago. Each child is different. Some of my children tend to be a little quirky and weird...they've got various dance elements to them. And some of the kids are more straight forward. Some are funny and some are dead serious...THE SNAKE CHARMER is probably the least funny play I've ever written. It's got a different kind of charm. But it's exactly what it has to be.
So to recap in the recap: My Work goes on and gets deeper as I get deeper.
Whoa...that's deep.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My work
My work...meaning my writing...meaning my playwriting, I guess.
I've written some of my most affecting plays while working through a relationship or being mad at someone. I wrote a play right after grad school called DEEPER THAN THE NIGHT, which was about a relationship that was failing due to drugs, alcohol and sex. That's because I was in a relationship that felt like it was going implode any minute. Then I wrote a play about my grandmother a few years ago in which I was trying to work out my own issues with my Dad. And now I've got THE SNAKE CHARMER, which has a lot of stuff in it that's influenced by the ex.
I always say that I write in order to understand my world...it's my lens through which things get filtered. It's always better when I have real source material in my own life or when I can find that. I've been writing this blog in order to help me understand all of the changes that have been happening in the past 8 months. And anything I write usually has some sort of theme that runs through it that's consistent with what I've written before. or I'm going through something, which is kind of what's happening with THE SNAKE CHARMER.
In this play, I'm basically writing about objectification - what happens when the image of something becomes more important to a person than the thing or person or situation itself. I believe this happened during my relationship. The idea of a boyfriend was greater than my ex actually having me in his life. The companionship was comforting and having someone with my pedigree and my physical appearance reflected well on him. But the work of the relationship - the trust, the day to day, the emotional component - became too hard. For both of us. He's not the only one to blame for that. And the play's also about imbalance - whether that's due to race or class or station in life or age even. All of these things have resonance in my life, both in the recent past and in the distant past as well.
I'm in the process of editing the play right now so I can send it to some theatres this month. And what I'm listening for is how true the characters' voices and the situations ring for me. And I feel I have a lot of places to draw from.
My approach to my work has changed since the break up. I have had a strong need to get back in a rehearsal room and be around a community of actors. So that's what we did with this most recent workshop. And I feel the need to be closer to my playwriting work, to devote more time consciously to it because that's where I feel my voice sings. I've been so worried about making a name and making money that I really have not been paying attention to my creative voice. I've had the ear of people who aren't creative who are trying to advise me that I've keeping away the voices of people who are supportive and who do care about me. And a good majority of those people are theatre people. I want to do the work and be involved in it - that matters more than money to me. Although making money is a completely separate endeavor. They are not mutually exclusive ideas, but I can't try to get from film and TV what I NEED from theatre. That I've learned...and it has taken me a long time to learn that lesson. But I think I'll be happier because of it.
There's one thing I've always hated and that's writers talking about writing. However, given the changes that have gone on this entire year, my work has become more important than ever. Not just for distraction sake, but it's my voice. And the running theme has been to pay more attention to MY voice. It's also the lens through which I understand my surroundings. And that has been more important than ever. I've got another workshop of a play called CURSE OF THE ASIAN CHILD coming up in the Fall. And I'm hoping to get back to another play that I wrote about cancer and tiger penises. And there's this play I've been dying to write for over a year about a band sitting down to make their next album. And I'm looking for collaborators to do that with because I do want to include original music. So there's a lot of work to do, work that will keep me busy at least for the next year. And after that, I have no other ideas, but I feel I need to get these ideas funneled through so that I can then start incubating the next ideas that will enter my head.
But THE SNAKE CHARMER has legs...I know that. And the ASIAN CHILD play's got some bite to it as well. I'm very excited about both of those because they're hefty subject matter. The ASIAN CHILD play is so dark that it's got to be funny. It's just too dark not to be. But it's also painful and sweet and sad. I've got a draft of it that is okay. It got some good response when I sent it out a little while ago. Each child is different. Some of my children tend to be a little quirky and weird...they've got various dance elements to them. And some of the kids are more straight forward. Some are funny and some are dead serious...THE SNAKE CHARMER is probably the least funny play I've ever written. It's got a different kind of charm. But it's exactly what it has to be.
So to recap in the recap: My Work goes on and gets deeper as I get deeper.
Whoa...that's deep.
Farewell Recap: My Family
As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My family
My family. Oy.
There's been a huge challenge over the past three weeks since my Dad has been sick.
Part of it could be called "healing."
I made a decision when my Dad went to the hospital that I could give him compassion. And that's easier said that done.
My Mother depends on me so much that it's difficult not to be angry. I need her to take care of herself, and not be so overwhelmed. But that's hard. She gets overwhelmed so easily. And a lot of my anger is directed towards her because I know how similar we both are.
I also feel that my journey to where I am right now has made all the difference is dealing with my Dad. I'm taking charge in a way I haven't been able to do before.
I'm demanding and I'm confrontational with the doctors and I'm exact in my line of questioning because I no longer assume that someone else knows more than I do. And I'm not afraid of those bastards either. They are there to make my Dad better and some times they need help figuring out their priority. As in, "MY dad before anyone else."
I'm also confronted with my own personal conditioning, which is "Everyone else before yourself." That won't fly with me. But I've seen it in my Mom. I've heard it from my Godmother and I've seen it in my mother's friends. And that's not where it's at. It's not about losing everything I've worked so hard to gain and get back. There's a balance there that is dependent on the work of all of us. But because my freedom and independence have been so hard fought, I value it. And I'm not letting any of it go. And that's a hard thing to accept when it comes to family, when it comes to the people who helped formulate my idea of myself from a very early age.
But in the discussion of family, I also have to mention my brother, who has been an amazing sounding board and has also maintained his necessary boundaries. And my niece, who is the future. And she's made me look hard as I've been on this journey at the things I was taught when I was her age. We're breaking cycles for her as well as for me. Because hopefully she won't have to unlearn all of the things that I am, although much of that deprogramming is necessary to figure out the person you will be come. So it's just as necessary for her as his has been for me. But that is also what keeps me going...knowing that I'm also going to be a better uncle because of it.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My family
My family. Oy.
There's been a huge challenge over the past three weeks since my Dad has been sick.
Part of it could be called "healing."
I made a decision when my Dad went to the hospital that I could give him compassion. And that's easier said that done.
My Mother depends on me so much that it's difficult not to be angry. I need her to take care of herself, and not be so overwhelmed. But that's hard. She gets overwhelmed so easily. And a lot of my anger is directed towards her because I know how similar we both are.
I also feel that my journey to where I am right now has made all the difference is dealing with my Dad. I'm taking charge in a way I haven't been able to do before.
I'm demanding and I'm confrontational with the doctors and I'm exact in my line of questioning because I no longer assume that someone else knows more than I do. And I'm not afraid of those bastards either. They are there to make my Dad better and some times they need help figuring out their priority. As in, "MY dad before anyone else."
I'm also confronted with my own personal conditioning, which is "Everyone else before yourself." That won't fly with me. But I've seen it in my Mom. I've heard it from my Godmother and I've seen it in my mother's friends. And that's not where it's at. It's not about losing everything I've worked so hard to gain and get back. There's a balance there that is dependent on the work of all of us. But because my freedom and independence have been so hard fought, I value it. And I'm not letting any of it go. And that's a hard thing to accept when it comes to family, when it comes to the people who helped formulate my idea of myself from a very early age.
But in the discussion of family, I also have to mention my brother, who has been an amazing sounding board and has also maintained his necessary boundaries. And my niece, who is the future. And she's made me look hard as I've been on this journey at the things I was taught when I was her age. We're breaking cycles for her as well as for me. Because hopefully she won't have to unlearn all of the things that I am, although much of that deprogramming is necessary to figure out the person you will be come. So it's just as necessary for her as his has been for me. But that is also what keeps me going...knowing that I'm also going to be a better uncle because of it.
Farewell Recap: My Spirit
As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My spirit
My spirit is good.
My spirit is wide awake.
My spirit is fortified, it has been tested.
I now know that I don't have to be the one who carries the weight of the world on my shoulders. I need to make room for myself and because of that...more of myself has come through.
Even as my Dad has been sick, I realize that it's not all on me.
I didn't know that before and if it hadn't been for my Ex,
I wouldn't know how to be there for myself as well as my Dad.
I've learned not to be afraid to show my spirit.
I did that working on the pilot I just finished with the two producers I worked for.
A long time ago, my friend Dave said that if I want something, I need to put it all out there, so that I can receive all of it back and then some. The more I give, the more I get back.
I've really tried to put that into practice over these several months.
Friends have remarked that I look better these days.
Ten percent of that is face.
Ten percent of that is body.
Ten percent of that is the cleanse I did.
But the rest of it is my spirit.
I'm a happier person.
And I wasn't sure that's what was going to happen when I left.
But I was hoping that's what was waiting for me.
It was a risk, but well worth it because my spirit is alive and kicking.
Hopefully my spirit has been all over this blog.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My spirit
My spirit is good.
My spirit is wide awake.
My spirit is fortified, it has been tested.
I now know that I don't have to be the one who carries the weight of the world on my shoulders. I need to make room for myself and because of that...more of myself has come through.
Even as my Dad has been sick, I realize that it's not all on me.
I didn't know that before and if it hadn't been for my Ex,
I wouldn't know how to be there for myself as well as my Dad.
I've learned not to be afraid to show my spirit.
I did that working on the pilot I just finished with the two producers I worked for.
A long time ago, my friend Dave said that if I want something, I need to put it all out there, so that I can receive all of it back and then some. The more I give, the more I get back.
I've really tried to put that into practice over these several months.
Friends have remarked that I look better these days.
Ten percent of that is face.
Ten percent of that is body.
Ten percent of that is the cleanse I did.
But the rest of it is my spirit.
I'm a happier person.
And I wasn't sure that's what was going to happen when I left.
But I was hoping that's what was waiting for me.
It was a risk, but well worth it because my spirit is alive and kicking.
Hopefully my spirit has been all over this blog.
Farewell Recap: My Friends
As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My friends
My friends are the raddest ever. I'm making a pact with myself never to abandon my friends for a relationship. The trouble is that the ex didn't like any of them. He was threatened by their place in my life. That's troubling.
So who's in my life now?
People who support and love me. Smart people. People who challenge me and make life interesting, not just sycophants. Yes, I live in LA and I work in Hollywood, but I'm not of it. I think when you're a native, it isn't as romantic. And my best friend has been a working actress since we were kids. So I always saw things up close and personal since I was young.
Speaking of my best friend, she's this amazing human being who has seen me at every stage in my life. . She actually introduced me to my ex. But really saw how much I shrank during that relationship. And we made a pact never to let a guy get in the way again.
I have friends, like Vic and Steve, who have invited me into their home and who have really taken care of me at a time when it seemed like I couldn't take care of myself. Those early days, which seem so far away now, were monumentally difficult. I felt all sorts of guilt for leaving and at a time when I couldn't be strong, they loaned me some of their strength until I was strong enough to move on.
I have friends I make plans with now to do things. My friend Nicole and I take yoga together. Her Dad just died recently and my Dad's been having his own health issues, so it has been good to hang with her specifically for that reason. But doing yoga with Nic is also a crossover with the spiritual and physical work I'm doing.
Steve and I are addicted to our hip hop classes on Wednesday and Sundays. That actually has been a fun way to meet new people. I love it. And again, it's been something that's helped me build more confidence in my dancing and in my body. And it's just fun to be silly and listen to all of the 90s hip hop and R&B they play in class.
My friends are reminding me that I was fine before I met my ex. That I can be a smart playwright who went to NYU, but still love reality TV, pop music, and Ru Paul's Drag Race along with loving Woody Allen movies, documentaries, literature and the theatre. I've never been a snob when it came to culture and entertainment. And I don't think I only need to ingest "smart" things for people to know I'm smart.
Susan and I make sure we talk on a regular basis. She's having a kid with her husband and there are a lot of changes going on with her. But it's important as we go through life changing events in our lives to have friends who are there who knew us back when. Elyzabeth and I try to catch up and motivate each other to keep writing, given our respective busy schedules and her baby girl Gillian.
I had a bunch of friends who just came out to support my recent play reading. Karen and I are going to commit to going to more theatre. Emily's going to join Steve and I at hip hop. I have to reconnect with my friend Kelly and get together with her soon as well. I'm trying to find a friend who wants to go take those aerial fitness classes, although from what my friend Dave says, it'll be a good way to meet adventurous, fix and flexible guys. I am always up for that.
The other things I've already mentioned in these Farewell Recaps are opening up my life to having more people in it. Clearly SEX is one way to do that. But also my SPIRITUALITY is helping me on that journey to meet my soulmate. It's the inner work I have to do and it's not fabricated or a fad or an easy route. It's real deep integrated spiritual work that doesn't have to be called "spiritual work" for it to be effective. And of course, the BODY...it's not just about attracting people to me with my body. It's having more reasons to meet people that don't involve set ups or Grindr or the bars. It's about meeting people who share my interests and have something to talk about.
It all works together. And it's all working fine. So here's to meeting more interesting, well-read, funny, selfless, adorable friends...and maybe even lovers if that's what's meant to happen.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My friends
My friends are the raddest ever. I'm making a pact with myself never to abandon my friends for a relationship. The trouble is that the ex didn't like any of them. He was threatened by their place in my life. That's troubling.
So who's in my life now?
People who support and love me. Smart people. People who challenge me and make life interesting, not just sycophants. Yes, I live in LA and I work in Hollywood, but I'm not of it. I think when you're a native, it isn't as romantic. And my best friend has been a working actress since we were kids. So I always saw things up close and personal since I was young.
Speaking of my best friend, she's this amazing human being who has seen me at every stage in my life. . She actually introduced me to my ex. But really saw how much I shrank during that relationship. And we made a pact never to let a guy get in the way again.
I have friends, like Vic and Steve, who have invited me into their home and who have really taken care of me at a time when it seemed like I couldn't take care of myself. Those early days, which seem so far away now, were monumentally difficult. I felt all sorts of guilt for leaving and at a time when I couldn't be strong, they loaned me some of their strength until I was strong enough to move on.
I have friends I make plans with now to do things. My friend Nicole and I take yoga together. Her Dad just died recently and my Dad's been having his own health issues, so it has been good to hang with her specifically for that reason. But doing yoga with Nic is also a crossover with the spiritual and physical work I'm doing.
Steve and I are addicted to our hip hop classes on Wednesday and Sundays. That actually has been a fun way to meet new people. I love it. And again, it's been something that's helped me build more confidence in my dancing and in my body. And it's just fun to be silly and listen to all of the 90s hip hop and R&B they play in class.
My friends are reminding me that I was fine before I met my ex. That I can be a smart playwright who went to NYU, but still love reality TV, pop music, and Ru Paul's Drag Race along with loving Woody Allen movies, documentaries, literature and the theatre. I've never been a snob when it came to culture and entertainment. And I don't think I only need to ingest "smart" things for people to know I'm smart.
Susan and I make sure we talk on a regular basis. She's having a kid with her husband and there are a lot of changes going on with her. But it's important as we go through life changing events in our lives to have friends who are there who knew us back when. Elyzabeth and I try to catch up and motivate each other to keep writing, given our respective busy schedules and her baby girl Gillian.
I had a bunch of friends who just came out to support my recent play reading. Karen and I are going to commit to going to more theatre. Emily's going to join Steve and I at hip hop. I have to reconnect with my friend Kelly and get together with her soon as well. I'm trying to find a friend who wants to go take those aerial fitness classes, although from what my friend Dave says, it'll be a good way to meet adventurous, fix and flexible guys. I am always up for that.
The other things I've already mentioned in these Farewell Recaps are opening up my life to having more people in it. Clearly SEX is one way to do that. But also my SPIRITUALITY is helping me on that journey to meet my soulmate. It's the inner work I have to do and it's not fabricated or a fad or an easy route. It's real deep integrated spiritual work that doesn't have to be called "spiritual work" for it to be effective. And of course, the BODY...it's not just about attracting people to me with my body. It's having more reasons to meet people that don't involve set ups or Grindr or the bars. It's about meeting people who share my interests and have something to talk about.
It all works together. And it's all working fine. So here's to meeting more interesting, well-read, funny, selfless, adorable friends...and maybe even lovers if that's what's meant to happen.
Farewell Recap: My Spirituality
As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My Spirituality
After my last blog, in which I detail my recent sexcapades, I thought we'd bring it back to God (or Buddha or the Higher Power, whichever you prefer). I don't think one goes through a big change like the end of a relationship without re-evaluating one's approach to life. And in my case, that involves looking at my spiritual life. Or having one again, as it were.
I guess that makes sense. I'm probing deeper--in all areas of my life. Through the realization that I mirrored my parents' relationship in my prior relationship to figuring out what I really want from life...I'm on a spiritual journey. I remember in my sophomore Theology course in high school, my professor wrote on the chalk board, "Who Am I?" That semester, we would embark on a journey of self discovery. And my friend Dave, who was my professor then and is still very much in my life, has been getting me to ask that question ever since.
I've done a lot of exploring in the spiritual realm my whole life. I was raised Catholic. I went to a Catholic grade school, then to a Jesuit high school and a Jesuit university. Then I volunteered for a year in the Jesuit Volunteer Corps. Looking at life through the lens of spirituality has been something I've done for a while now. In the relationship, I started studying Kabbalah because the boyfriend wanted me to be supportive. I followed when the ex studied with a Shaman and went on spiritual journeys.
My spiritual quest is less dynamic or dramatic. I'm trying to make room for stillness, as my friend Dave puts it. Quiet time every day to just reflect and listen to what my soul is saying to me. My yoga practice has become increasingly spiritual. I focus on an intention or a thought during my practice and that becomes stronger the more I do yoga. At one point, I thought the only way to study yoga was naked, but then I realized I just needed an outlet to be naked with other dudes. This clothed yoga practice has been a much deeper journey for me than any of the other stuff.
I'm trying to understand this person who has existed for all of these years, behaving a certain way. Now that I have the opportunity to change, I am taking that opportunity to find something more. And what I'm discovering is that it already exists...I just have to quiet down enough to hear it. And my life was so full of noise before that I couldn't hear anything.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My Spirituality
After my last blog, in which I detail my recent sexcapades, I thought we'd bring it back to God (or Buddha or the Higher Power, whichever you prefer). I don't think one goes through a big change like the end of a relationship without re-evaluating one's approach to life. And in my case, that involves looking at my spiritual life. Or having one again, as it were.
I guess that makes sense. I'm probing deeper--in all areas of my life. Through the realization that I mirrored my parents' relationship in my prior relationship to figuring out what I really want from life...I'm on a spiritual journey. I remember in my sophomore Theology course in high school, my professor wrote on the chalk board, "Who Am I?" That semester, we would embark on a journey of self discovery. And my friend Dave, who was my professor then and is still very much in my life, has been getting me to ask that question ever since.
I've done a lot of exploring in the spiritual realm my whole life. I was raised Catholic. I went to a Catholic grade school, then to a Jesuit high school and a Jesuit university. Then I volunteered for a year in the Jesuit Volunteer Corps. Looking at life through the lens of spirituality has been something I've done for a while now. In the relationship, I started studying Kabbalah because the boyfriend wanted me to be supportive. I followed when the ex studied with a Shaman and went on spiritual journeys.
My spiritual quest is less dynamic or dramatic. I'm trying to make room for stillness, as my friend Dave puts it. Quiet time every day to just reflect and listen to what my soul is saying to me. My yoga practice has become increasingly spiritual. I focus on an intention or a thought during my practice and that becomes stronger the more I do yoga. At one point, I thought the only way to study yoga was naked, but then I realized I just needed an outlet to be naked with other dudes. This clothed yoga practice has been a much deeper journey for me than any of the other stuff.
I'm trying to understand this person who has existed for all of these years, behaving a certain way. Now that I have the opportunity to change, I am taking that opportunity to find something more. And what I'm discovering is that it already exists...I just have to quiet down enough to hear it. And my life was so full of noise before that I couldn't hear anything.
Farewell Recap: My Sex Life
As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My sex life
Ha! Now here's the juice! My sex life. What have I been doing with my cock and my culo since I broke up eight months ago?
Here are some highlights (but before that, let me make CLEAR that all sexual activity has been safe and no bodily fluids have been exchanged):
- I was involved in two group sex situations. Let's be honest, it's something we've all thought about. Truthfully, it wasn't that big of a deal. It was somewhere where my usual crew doesn't know me. It was very discreet and there was nothing where I was penetrated.
- Not a real highlight, but I should also disclose that I have not had anal sex in about nine months. The ex and I had a threeway about a month before the breakup with a masseur. He fucked me, I fucked him, and the boyfriend watched. I did go to a sex party over the last eight months and I fucked a guy with a condom of course. But I had been edging all night and I couldn't handle it, so I literally came within 30 seconds. Not a highlight. But this guy was BEGGING to be fucked. It was hot. I have to admit.
- Gym sex: lots of playing around with guys at the gym. Some oral. But mainly just showing off.
- Grindr: Lots of grindr conversations, fewer Grindr hook ups. And I'll count Craig's List here as well. A few encounters.
- Fuck buddy: I might have a new fuck buddy. I've never had a fuck buddy before. But this guy who I will call Max is 42, hot, wants to flip fuck and is so sexy. I met him at the gym months ago. But we only hooked up for the first time the other day. But it was hot enough where I think both of us want to do it again. I seriously need to put an end to my drought. And yes, it would be great to have that happen in the context of a guy I'm seeing or a relationship...but I'm only eight months out of this thing. I'm not ready for that. But hot sex, I could be ready for.
- Cock Hound: The other day, a guy came over for a blow and go. That's when someone comes over, oral sex ensues and then they leave. I have never worked that hard in my life. I usually like reciprocal oral sex. I prefer it. But he was hot and 25 and he forced me on it. It was definitely hot, but not really my style. That I probably won't do again, but the fuck buddy...that guy is pretty damn sexy.
- J/O Buddy and Cuddler: There's a guy I've been jacking off with at his apartment for several months now. He's super handsome, very sweet and about a month and a half ago I went over and spent the night. We cuddled and that was nice. In a lot of ways, he fits the package. He's early to mid 40s, a hot gym body, blue eyes and is easy to talk to. The problem: He still has sex with his ex boyfriend and he won't do anything else with anyone else because they still have unprotected sex. Yeah...not exactly something I'm really up for in that regard. But it's nice to watch a hot guy masturbate.
- The other highlights you've read or can read in this blog.
My sex life is healthy...and by healthy I mean abundant. Part of that is afforded because MY BODY looks good (see the last recap post called "My Body"). Am I worried that I'm doing too much? No. I think this is what I can handle right now. I'm certainly not running away from the possibility of meeting someone. And having sex like this won't feel appropriate forever.
But I can still get hard...I have to use it to keep that function healthy for the next 40 or 50 or so years. And I will only take what I want. The rest I leave on the cutting room floor. I don't need to have sex with everyone and it's not impulsive. It's just plentiful right now. At some point, other things will be plentiful and I'll enjoy those things.
But for right now, I'm a horny single person with a gym bod. Carpe Diem, for god sakes!
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My sex life
Ha! Now here's the juice! My sex life. What have I been doing with my cock and my culo since I broke up eight months ago?
Here are some highlights (but before that, let me make CLEAR that all sexual activity has been safe and no bodily fluids have been exchanged):
- I was involved in two group sex situations. Let's be honest, it's something we've all thought about. Truthfully, it wasn't that big of a deal. It was somewhere where my usual crew doesn't know me. It was very discreet and there was nothing where I was penetrated.
- Not a real highlight, but I should also disclose that I have not had anal sex in about nine months. The ex and I had a threeway about a month before the breakup with a masseur. He fucked me, I fucked him, and the boyfriend watched. I did go to a sex party over the last eight months and I fucked a guy with a condom of course. But I had been edging all night and I couldn't handle it, so I literally came within 30 seconds. Not a highlight. But this guy was BEGGING to be fucked. It was hot. I have to admit.
- Gym sex: lots of playing around with guys at the gym. Some oral. But mainly just showing off.
- Grindr: Lots of grindr conversations, fewer Grindr hook ups. And I'll count Craig's List here as well. A few encounters.
- Fuck buddy: I might have a new fuck buddy. I've never had a fuck buddy before. But this guy who I will call Max is 42, hot, wants to flip fuck and is so sexy. I met him at the gym months ago. But we only hooked up for the first time the other day. But it was hot enough where I think both of us want to do it again. I seriously need to put an end to my drought. And yes, it would be great to have that happen in the context of a guy I'm seeing or a relationship...but I'm only eight months out of this thing. I'm not ready for that. But hot sex, I could be ready for.
- Cock Hound: The other day, a guy came over for a blow and go. That's when someone comes over, oral sex ensues and then they leave. I have never worked that hard in my life. I usually like reciprocal oral sex. I prefer it. But he was hot and 25 and he forced me on it. It was definitely hot, but not really my style. That I probably won't do again, but the fuck buddy...that guy is pretty damn sexy.
- J/O Buddy and Cuddler: There's a guy I've been jacking off with at his apartment for several months now. He's super handsome, very sweet and about a month and a half ago I went over and spent the night. We cuddled and that was nice. In a lot of ways, he fits the package. He's early to mid 40s, a hot gym body, blue eyes and is easy to talk to. The problem: He still has sex with his ex boyfriend and he won't do anything else with anyone else because they still have unprotected sex. Yeah...not exactly something I'm really up for in that regard. But it's nice to watch a hot guy masturbate.
- The other highlights you've read or can read in this blog.
My sex life is healthy...and by healthy I mean abundant. Part of that is afforded because MY BODY looks good (see the last recap post called "My Body"). Am I worried that I'm doing too much? No. I think this is what I can handle right now. I'm certainly not running away from the possibility of meeting someone. And having sex like this won't feel appropriate forever.
But I can still get hard...I have to use it to keep that function healthy for the next 40 or 50 or so years. And I will only take what I want. The rest I leave on the cutting room floor. I don't need to have sex with everyone and it's not impulsive. It's just plentiful right now. At some point, other things will be plentiful and I'll enjoy those things.
But for right now, I'm a horny single person with a gym bod. Carpe Diem, for god sakes!
Farewell Recap: My Body
As a part of my farewell to this blog, I'm doing a bit of a recap of where I am on certain subjects. And when I'm finished, just like I did when I broke up with my ex, I'm gone.
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My body
When I broke up with the ex, I decided to renovate a lot in my life. Here's the brief history of my body: born, 30 lbs by the time I'm 6 months old...then stretch, stretch, stretch until about 4 years old...then I was a beanpole until I was in my mid twenties. I had tried working out, but I couldn't pack on muscle. In college, I was a dancer, so anything that I ate just melted off of me. I was five ten and 125 lbs. Awful. And that's the body I always see or always compare myself too. So when I gained weight or started filling out...I saw a fat person. Then I got into the relationship with the Ex and probably within a few months, I had started putting on weight. We were always going out to dinner or had some event to go to where there was plenty of drinking involved. When we started dating I was probably somewhere between 155 and 160. About two years in I was 175 and none of that was from muscle. Then we ran the Florence Marathon together and I lost weight, but I never had a flat stomach for the time we dated. I'm fairly slender, but because of the relationship I became "skinny fat."
Then we broke up and I was determined to get my body back...and when I say body, I mean myself. I had taken a backseat to this guy and I wanted to make it clear that I was back on the market. Plus, I seemed to have a ton of time on my hands now that I was no longer managing the daily affairs of a very high maintenance guy. So now it's been eight months of pretty intense working out. I found dance again in the form of these hip hop classes I've been taking. I realize that when I'm bored with a workout that I need to change it up. Funny, I realize that I need to implement that into the rest of my life. When I'm done with a guy or a job or a script or a friend...move on.
I did the cleanse back in February and that really started changing my body. I always had retained an extra five to eight pounds that I never could get rid of and I finally realized that I was holding on to it. It was literally shit I was holding onto. . And when I cleansed...all of that shit came out. And it hasn't come back. I hit the reset button on my body.
I was just at a pool party yesterday with some very body conscious and judgmental gays and girls. All perfectly close friends, but we're hard on ourselves and on other people. My friend Emily mentioned that I had lost some weight. I didn't even have to prompt her. But the muscles have popped a bit and the waist has gotten skinner. The legs look fit and strong because of dance. The skin cleared up a bit and got brighter because of the cleanse. And my whole attitude changed because I was free. My body looked better to people, I looked better to people, because I had made the right change in my life.
My Dad's been sick with Congestive Heart Failure and kidney issues and that's something else that's affected me lately. I actually might have lost a bit more weight because of the stress. But his sickness, which has been brought about by bad eating habits and not being physically active, has gotten me thinking about what this body is going to do for me in the time I have it. . Yes, I live in LA and I'm completely vain. But I also know that my body is my protector and I need to keep it fit, healthy and active. Or else it's going to give up on me, like my Dad's body has. And I don't want that to happen. So I watch what I eat and I try to limit any prepackaged foods with preservatives as much as I can. I get to the gym a few days a week and take breaks when I need to. I'm going to start doing yoga and I want to start aerial fitness classes soon.
My body isn't just a billboard, although if it's going to have a message on it, I want it to say that I'm an active person and that I love taking care of myself. And that I do really care about myself enough to worry about what fuel I'm putting in my body and what activities I perform to keep my body strong. I want to be balanced and centered and connected to my mind, body and spirit and for all three elements to work together constantly.
Eight months later, it is easier to get laid. But I also feel my body working for me and keeping me healthy and alert. The first thing I hear people say who haven't seen me in a while is that I look terrific. I look younger and healthier and sexier than I did before. But what I hear when they say that is that I care more about my whole well being that I did eight months ago. And that's really what matters.
But I'm not going to turn away from more cock either. I mean...who would?
But I promise to leave my forwarding address...which will be another blog about something besides my now 8 month old break up. I think it's time to move on.
TODAY'S SUBJECT:
My body
When I broke up with the ex, I decided to renovate a lot in my life. Here's the brief history of my body: born, 30 lbs by the time I'm 6 months old...then stretch, stretch, stretch until about 4 years old...then I was a beanpole until I was in my mid twenties. I had tried working out, but I couldn't pack on muscle. In college, I was a dancer, so anything that I ate just melted off of me. I was five ten and 125 lbs. Awful. And that's the body I always see or always compare myself too. So when I gained weight or started filling out...I saw a fat person. Then I got into the relationship with the Ex and probably within a few months, I had started putting on weight. We were always going out to dinner or had some event to go to where there was plenty of drinking involved. When we started dating I was probably somewhere between 155 and 160. About two years in I was 175 and none of that was from muscle. Then we ran the Florence Marathon together and I lost weight, but I never had a flat stomach for the time we dated. I'm fairly slender, but because of the relationship I became "skinny fat."
Then we broke up and I was determined to get my body back...and when I say body, I mean myself. I had taken a backseat to this guy and I wanted to make it clear that I was back on the market. Plus, I seemed to have a ton of time on my hands now that I was no longer managing the daily affairs of a very high maintenance guy. So now it's been eight months of pretty intense working out. I found dance again in the form of these hip hop classes I've been taking. I realize that when I'm bored with a workout that I need to change it up. Funny, I realize that I need to implement that into the rest of my life. When I'm done with a guy or a job or a script or a friend...move on.
I did the cleanse back in February and that really started changing my body. I always had retained an extra five to eight pounds that I never could get rid of and I finally realized that I was holding on to it. It was literally shit I was holding onto. . And when I cleansed...all of that shit came out. And it hasn't come back. I hit the reset button on my body.
I was just at a pool party yesterday with some very body conscious and judgmental gays and girls. All perfectly close friends, but we're hard on ourselves and on other people. My friend Emily mentioned that I had lost some weight. I didn't even have to prompt her. But the muscles have popped a bit and the waist has gotten skinner. The legs look fit and strong because of dance. The skin cleared up a bit and got brighter because of the cleanse. And my whole attitude changed because I was free. My body looked better to people, I looked better to people, because I had made the right change in my life.
My Dad's been sick with Congestive Heart Failure and kidney issues and that's something else that's affected me lately. I actually might have lost a bit more weight because of the stress. But his sickness, which has been brought about by bad eating habits and not being physically active, has gotten me thinking about what this body is going to do for me in the time I have it. . Yes, I live in LA and I'm completely vain. But I also know that my body is my protector and I need to keep it fit, healthy and active. Or else it's going to give up on me, like my Dad's body has. And I don't want that to happen. So I watch what I eat and I try to limit any prepackaged foods with preservatives as much as I can. I get to the gym a few days a week and take breaks when I need to. I'm going to start doing yoga and I want to start aerial fitness classes soon.
My body isn't just a billboard, although if it's going to have a message on it, I want it to say that I'm an active person and that I love taking care of myself. And that I do really care about myself enough to worry about what fuel I'm putting in my body and what activities I perform to keep my body strong. I want to be balanced and centered and connected to my mind, body and spirit and for all three elements to work together constantly.
Eight months later, it is easier to get laid. But I also feel my body working for me and keeping me healthy and alert. The first thing I hear people say who haven't seen me in a while is that I look terrific. I look younger and healthier and sexier than I did before. But what I hear when they say that is that I care more about my whole well being that I did eight months ago. And that's really what matters.
But I'm not going to turn away from more cock either. I mean...who would?
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