My friend Dave has been a spiritual advisor, friend and confidante since I was fifteen years old. That is a long time. He was my theology professor in high school and he knows my progression as a person better than almost anyone outside of my brother and my best friend Alanna. So I called him earlier today because we haven't talked in a while and I wanted to see if he was going to be out in LA for the holidays (he grew up here). Even though he won't be out here until after the New Year, I wanted to fill him in about what's going on with me and this job search.
I told him about the three different opportunities that I've put myself up for. And Dave had different advice than anyone I've spoken to. My recent tarot card reading said that an older man might be important to me. Dave definitely is important to me in a lot of ways. I value his opinion and advisement about everything. He told me that the PSU position could be a smaller opportunity and that if I want to establish myself in a larger way in academia that the University of Iowa job might be where I want to put my focus. And that the job at Emory could be good, but that I want to look beyond the two years of the Fellowship. His concern is that I don't take advantage of my time now as a vibrant, youthful force. Right now, I'm desirable to institutions because I have the right combination of youth and experience. In three to five years, I might just seem old and relegated to the adjunct faculty. This is my time to make a move if I want a serious position in academia.
Dave is usually a very gentle guiding force. This conversation was pointed and exact. He said that he wants to make sure I didn't make the mistakes he made when he started teaching on the University level. His points that I should get on the tenure track now if I want a serious academic role. And that seems to be where I get scared. I think I want to be a working artist, rather than a full fledged professor. Dave's point is that if I don't get serious about it, I won't have a choice and eventually those working artist opportunities and so will the tenure track ones.
I appreciate Dave's advice because no one is giving me that kind of dead serious life advice. I value his judgment and his experience. I do have to decide if his advice is the right advice for me. I think it's very good advice and I think the validity of the advice hedges on whether or not I am entering into full-blown professorhood. Right now, I've been content to dip my foot in and to think on a micro level rather than on the macro level that Dave is talking about. He doesn't want my options to run out.
Here's another opportunity to declare what I want and to get specific about it. But his point is well taken. It just scares the fuck out of me.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
Tarot Card Reading: Honor Thy Error
A few nights ago, Susan did another Tarot Card reading for me because I really was feeling like I needed guidance. I've been trying to do this reading for a couple of weeks and there's definitely a sense of desperation to needing a new reading. It's the end of the year and I realized that my last tarot reading was four months ago. I was hoping that some things had moved around and some things have. But much of the reading reflected what she said last time. Although NOW, I have some insight on what she was talking about before.
http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/twist-spine.html
This was the last reading that took place at the end of August. I realize that I had some hesitation about my relationship back then, which is a bit more pronounced now. I didn't know that I had such strong concerns back then. I think The Drummer was on tour, so maybe that's why I was feeling anxious. But she also spoke about a new working relationship and traveling for work. At the time, we thought it had to do with Alanna. But now that I'm looking at the developments of the past two weeks, I realize that it has to do with an opportunity for me at Portland State, which might bring something else into fruition soon. It involves a new job (possibly) and travel. But there could also be a lot of travel in my future. The cards encouraged me to put myself out there and to seek out new opportunities and to take a risk. I have been applying to a lot of teaching jobs and also play development opportunities. So I feel like I have been doing that. But based on the more recent reading, there's a lot more work to be done.
If I thought the last reading was intense, this took things about forty steps deeper.
Again, Susan and I picked from her deck of personalized intention cards that were made for her. I had a run in with the Ex via email the day before that really was on my mind. Even though I wanted this reading to be about work, my energy was too strong in the personal sector of my life. And this reading leaned toward relationship more than the previous two she had done. So I chose a card:
HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION
What the hell does that mean? The message must be huge because I couldn't digest it right away. And as I discovered with the last reading, the card I pulled (TWIST THE SPINE) kept having reverberations the more that time went on. But what I could come up with in the immediate was that the things I think are mistakes are not. It also goes along with the idea that I keep painting things as negative that aren't. Most of my cards continue to be inverted because I'm blocked. Because I have still so many negative beliefs. Because I'm not honoring my error. I'm not acknowledging that the things I think are holding me back are revealing what I really want. They aren't necessarily the things I want, but I'm not in the place I want to be purely because I have put myself there. And I don't need to be in a bad space. I have everything I want. I am talented and smart and there's no reason I shouldn't be picking and choosing the opportunities and jobs I want and theaters I want to work with and TV shows I want to work on and have them materialize. My desire is as strong as my belief that I don't deserve it. And my belief that I don't deserve it needs to take a back seat. I still believe that I need the negative thought to push myself and I don't. I need to be released from that. It might be time for another cleanse.
As Susan and I tried to figure that out, we decided to start the reading. I cut the cards. They were not jumping out of her hands this time. I think that's because they were heavy with thought. Too weighed down to hop around. And I had a certainty that I wanted to know what they had to say.
The Hanged One (Where I Am Now): I got the Hanged One last time in regards to the lesson of the cycle I am in. Well, now it has moved from the theme of my cycle to directly where I am. I am in the throes of figuring out where I am not. And the Hanged One is telling me desperately that I need to let go of my negative perception. I am confused about my new direction. I am mostly letting go of the choke hold my Hollywood dreams have on me, which is why there has been some movement. But while before I was trying to move through concrete, right now I am trying to move through quicksand. I am in search of a deeper meaning and a purpose in my life but I am still fixed on a rigid idea I have of myself. I don't think I am smart enough to be a University professor or a TV writer or a leader. If I don't get over that, I risk everything because right now it is still alive and waiting for me. It is full and ripe. I need to release ideas and associations that are obsolete. I think these ideas and associations have to do with how I think people perceive me. But there is still no immediate word. And I am tired of waiting. In order to turn my life around, I have to let go of negative beliefs and the feeling for this is VERY STRONG. I am in the middle of my metamorphosis and it is rough. But change is disruptive, and it truly redefines and repositions everything around it. But the only way for things to be different is for this extreme change. It started with my break up three years ago, continued with my Dad's illness and death and now the agents of change are focused directly on my next steps.
Other interpretation: You are at a crossroads with only one way out: yes or no. If you want to do something to change things, but have no idea how to do it, let it go, relax and look at ways to let go of control. Work: Don't take the slow wheels of change personally. Things will change. You need to let go of a vision of a certain type of relationship as the only way you can be happy. It is crucial to let go of any negative, self limiting beliefs.
Seven of Discs (Atmosphere): I need to take stock. I shouldn't be tempted to rest on my laurels, but I should push forward. I need to take a cue from synchronicity. I need to re-evaluate my goals. I also need to be buoyed by past success to charge into the future. I need to remember that I'm the guy who moved from Portland to NYC with $800 bucks in my pocket and nothing else, not even a place to stay for very long. I made major things happen before and I can again. Even despite being forty. I may not be as long as I used to be, but as I've proven, my focus is stronger. I need to remember that day in dance class back in October. I only have to operate as myself and take what I need. I don't need to compare myself to other people or to their journeys. The cards also said that I may opt for an extended leave or a long vacation. That is also tied into what might be happening with Portland, Atlanta, Iowa, Miami, Berkeley, Boston, and all of these residencies and jobs I'm applying for.
Other interpretation: Return on investments. You will be reaping what you have sown. Excellent omen for finances.
Six of Lovers (What I'm Supposed to Be Learning This Month - lesson of the cycle): This is where it became clear that it wasn't about work. I have choices to make. The choice is between security and risk. And this is a blessing in disguise. I need to do with what feels right. It's decision time. It also says there's an extramarital affair - not sure if this is on my end or the boyfriend's end. But there is a lot of duality, things appearing one way and actually being another. Associated with Gemini. Okay, so that's scary.
Other interpretation: If you are feeling ambivalent, follow your heart. Choose love over fear. Be cautious about mixing business with romance. Bring back LOVE into your life. Re-bond in your current relationship. Partnership in health, work, love and spirituality. You need a guide, a mentor.
Daughter of Swords (Foundation Card - root, the subconscious, my core beliefs): I have an active, curious mind. Maybe people I'm involved with don't take me seriously. I'm outspoken, but still not taken seriously. I should be open to exploring other ideas. I need to stop proving my point. And when this card is paired with the Two of Cups (it is), it refers to marriage. That confused me because it says that my relationship is iffy, but I might be heading towards marriage. Although, if I am looking at this from a work perspective, I might be ready to enter into a professional relationship as well. But am I breaking up with my boyfriend to do that?
Other interpretation: I may be pushing too hard or stepping on other people's toes. I need to step back. As far as work, I need to be humble in interviews yet not put myself down. With love, I need to know when to push and when to lay back. I need to give my partner space. Finances: Don't assume you know more than you do. Don't take on more than you can. Ask for help. Health: Don't over do it. Rest and silence helps. Take it easy. Spirituality: If you think your mind is already open, go further.
Two of Cups (Inverted - last few weeks): There might be problems in the relationship. We've not spending enough time with each other and there's no appreciation of each other's friends or family. I need to be clear about what I want and need from life before I can move forward. Nothing can change the way I want it to until this is resolved. There might be sexual problems. And I might be playing out an old relationship (just received an email meant for the Ex and then forwarded it to him and engaged in a conversation - the first one in years). Doing work in this relationship is work that needs to be done from past lives.
Other interpretation: The card speaks of friendship, romance, joy and sharing. Mainly about romantic relationships, but not always. In regards to work, I may like working a lot less, which is true of the past two weeks because I just finished a project and then went to Portland to hang out with my brother and his family. Trying to have some balance and reach out to my family. In terms of Love, if I am getting this card while there are problems, I might need to forgive and forget and start fresh. Don't carry grudges. In terms of Health, I might need to reach out for help, which means I need healing. In terms of Spirituality, this card is connected to the Heart Chakra and I need to find my bliss and connect to it. No one can do that for me. I liked this reading of the cards much better. Ha.
Priestess of Disks (inverted - How I move though the world): It's a Motherhood card. I need to shower my creations with love. I am an efficient, practical go-getter. I seek practical, tangible solutions. My family is seeking guidance. I don't give myself credit for past accomplishments, therefore no one else is either. I am ambivalent about my relationship. All of those things are true. I am getting better about giving myself credit for my past accomplishments, but if I don't get that straight no one will give me credit. One way I can give myself credit is when I'm interviewing for these jobs and talking about the programs I've set up and what I've accomplished. I need to reiterate and reinforce my power and my accomplishments. I need to nurture myself. I need to shower myself with love, as well as my creations. This is the card that reminds me that in order to merge my self with other people's perceptions of me, I need to focus on the lessons of this card. This card is the bridge.
The other interpretation mentioned that there is a dark haired lady who is likely to play an important role in my life in some way. That could be the woman I've met up at PSU. And I need to express my accomplishments to her, among other people, so she can see it and then so other people can see it. But if today's turn of events are any indication, I've started doing that. I need to do it more.
Four of Cups (Next Couple Weeks): I will be going through old emotions. There is ambivalence and apathy and disconnection. I need to recognize that depression might be more than a passing mood. I need to talk through my issues. I need to get specific about what I want. And I need to take action. This also goes to the core of what is holding me back. As I look at these cards with a few days distance, I see that the tools are right in front of me. I just need to pick them up and use them correctly and with skill and determination.
From the other interpretation: Focus on the now, not what will be. Create a gratitude journal. Count your blessings (this goes back to acknowledging my accomplishments). Focus on what you do have, not what you lack in terms of finances. Be specific, make goals and plans. If I think of my accomplishments as things I am grateful for, focusing on my accomplishments might be easier to do.
Shaman of Wands (inverted - Self Concept, How I feel about myself): Entrepreneur. Self starter. Uses full potential. Relentless drive and energy. Don't cut yourself off emotionally from those closest to you. Self reliant and confident. The fact that it's inverted means that I am not seeing these things which are true, which means that no one can see them either. The cards are talking to each other.
The other interpretation says that there is an older man who will be important to me. And this card in general refers to helpful men. In terms of spirituality, it says I am well on my way as indicated by the card. But that joy and plenty can be spiritual experiences as much as denial and austerity can be. And they're a lot more fun. So I should relax a little and maybe the spiritual growth will happen faster. Also to let go of this idea that I have to deny myself in order to have more spirituality.
Seven of Wands (Hope and Fear Card): Assertive. This is the Writer's Card. It also refers to teaching, lecturing and composing. Self-employment. I need to tie up my loose ends with my past and get on with it. Take the plunge! Strike out on your own. Romance is stifled. There are rivals for the affection of the one I like. I could be putting more energy into being on my own. I am living in fear of living on my own. But again, I need to remember that I've done it before and I can do it again.
Other interpretation: I will come out on top. Things will be going well. Feel the fear, but do it anyway! Don't hesitate to make clear where you stand with people. Your thinking is clear. And you're likely to help someone out by spelling things out for them. This card can indicate that a positive change is coming in your business life or personal life. This card points towards being independent: be self-employed if you've thought about it. Be logical however, if you can be self-employed while being employed somewhere else, do so. I'm definitely thinking about some new ways of teaching the art of dramatic writing and this might be where I am headed. But I also feel that being employed at Universities will help give me some cachet and experience. In terms of Love, speak your mind respectfully. Finances: expect an increase. Spirituality: By facing your fears and turning them into your advantages, you grow even stronger and ready to face the next obstacle in your path (HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION). Indeed, there can be no courage without fear to inspire it. That fear does not need to be your master anymore. Whatever your clear desires are, go for them. Cast your fears aside and go for it!
Two of Wands (Home): Success is imminent. Moving in the right direction. Investment in time, ideas and money will pay off. What is the dream that we both share that we can work on together?
Other interpretation: If you feel things are out of balance, they are about to get substantially better. Remain positive. Keep your eye on the prize. If you are looking for employment, you are about to find the right fit. You're more together and balanced that you realize, work wise. You're about to fit things together in new or unusual ways. Love: Things are about to get more equal. You will be surprised at how you are able to improve your financial situation. Take time to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally. That way you'll be able to help others.
Priestess of Cups (Steps Coming Up): Nurturer. World centers around children. Dreams are a vital source of information.
Other interpretation: Treat yourself with love and respect. Work: literally a woman who will be helpful to you. Financial: Creativity. Reach out to people for the help you need. Spirituality: increase in being in touch with clairvoyant tendencies. Be open to the magical energy of life and the love flowing around you. In regards to health: forgive and send love to your body.
Five of Wands (Argument Card): Sexual competition. Work interfering with relationship. Headed contest: stand your ground. Don't settle for less.
Other interpretation: Competition, usually in the work area. Don't be afraid of competing. Know that you have something to offer and can be successful. Your need to believe in yourself is stronger than ever now. You may be thinking of making a career change. You can do it. Work: Compete well, but play fair. Know that you are capable. Love: the person you love may be pursued by several people. Know that you have done everything you can for this relationship where you heart is involved. Financially: Do what you can. You can't do it all now, but you will soon. Money is coming, within the next few weeks. Spirituality: It's hard to grow spiritually if you're a chicken with you head cut off. Take time to rest, do nothing. Create space for yourself to be quiet and listen to the music of the spheres.
Death (the end of a cycle): Transitions. Permanent change. Transformation. Rebirth. Revitalizing force. Change is required: it will happen regardless of whether you work on it or not. You're afraid of the future. Superficial change is not enough. Metamorphosis awakens you to your immortality.
Other interpretation: Transition and change. A time of deep transformation, inwardly and outwardly. Often what you need to let go of is a self-limiting belief or attitude. Don't try to control this change, just go with it. This time is about change or destruction followed by renewal. Love: You might be frustrated by something not working out. Have a frank and honest conversation and if you or he are unable to change, then it might be time to let it go. Don't beat your head against a wall for very long.
By the end of the reading, I was freaked out and embraced for the worst. Now I am not so much. I want to meet this time of great change, which means great growth. I felt like that when I broke up with my Ex. Everything turned upside down, but everything changed for the better. And if I can survive that, I can surf through this. I can ride the wave and let it take me to the heights of where I need to be. Don't be afraid of the power of change, let it take you far out to where you need to go. This is an area where I can reflect on my past accomplishments and take stock that I can do it again.
http://iambacktolife.blogspot.com/2013/08/twist-spine.html
This was the last reading that took place at the end of August. I realize that I had some hesitation about my relationship back then, which is a bit more pronounced now. I didn't know that I had such strong concerns back then. I think The Drummer was on tour, so maybe that's why I was feeling anxious. But she also spoke about a new working relationship and traveling for work. At the time, we thought it had to do with Alanna. But now that I'm looking at the developments of the past two weeks, I realize that it has to do with an opportunity for me at Portland State, which might bring something else into fruition soon. It involves a new job (possibly) and travel. But there could also be a lot of travel in my future. The cards encouraged me to put myself out there and to seek out new opportunities and to take a risk. I have been applying to a lot of teaching jobs and also play development opportunities. So I feel like I have been doing that. But based on the more recent reading, there's a lot more work to be done.
If I thought the last reading was intense, this took things about forty steps deeper.
Again, Susan and I picked from her deck of personalized intention cards that were made for her. I had a run in with the Ex via email the day before that really was on my mind. Even though I wanted this reading to be about work, my energy was too strong in the personal sector of my life. And this reading leaned toward relationship more than the previous two she had done. So I chose a card:
HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION
What the hell does that mean? The message must be huge because I couldn't digest it right away. And as I discovered with the last reading, the card I pulled (TWIST THE SPINE) kept having reverberations the more that time went on. But what I could come up with in the immediate was that the things I think are mistakes are not. It also goes along with the idea that I keep painting things as negative that aren't. Most of my cards continue to be inverted because I'm blocked. Because I have still so many negative beliefs. Because I'm not honoring my error. I'm not acknowledging that the things I think are holding me back are revealing what I really want. They aren't necessarily the things I want, but I'm not in the place I want to be purely because I have put myself there. And I don't need to be in a bad space. I have everything I want. I am talented and smart and there's no reason I shouldn't be picking and choosing the opportunities and jobs I want and theaters I want to work with and TV shows I want to work on and have them materialize. My desire is as strong as my belief that I don't deserve it. And my belief that I don't deserve it needs to take a back seat. I still believe that I need the negative thought to push myself and I don't. I need to be released from that. It might be time for another cleanse.
As Susan and I tried to figure that out, we decided to start the reading. I cut the cards. They were not jumping out of her hands this time. I think that's because they were heavy with thought. Too weighed down to hop around. And I had a certainty that I wanted to know what they had to say.
The Hanged One (Where I Am Now): I got the Hanged One last time in regards to the lesson of the cycle I am in. Well, now it has moved from the theme of my cycle to directly where I am. I am in the throes of figuring out where I am not. And the Hanged One is telling me desperately that I need to let go of my negative perception. I am confused about my new direction. I am mostly letting go of the choke hold my Hollywood dreams have on me, which is why there has been some movement. But while before I was trying to move through concrete, right now I am trying to move through quicksand. I am in search of a deeper meaning and a purpose in my life but I am still fixed on a rigid idea I have of myself. I don't think I am smart enough to be a University professor or a TV writer or a leader. If I don't get over that, I risk everything because right now it is still alive and waiting for me. It is full and ripe. I need to release ideas and associations that are obsolete. I think these ideas and associations have to do with how I think people perceive me. But there is still no immediate word. And I am tired of waiting. In order to turn my life around, I have to let go of negative beliefs and the feeling for this is VERY STRONG. I am in the middle of my metamorphosis and it is rough. But change is disruptive, and it truly redefines and repositions everything around it. But the only way for things to be different is for this extreme change. It started with my break up three years ago, continued with my Dad's illness and death and now the agents of change are focused directly on my next steps.
Other interpretation: You are at a crossroads with only one way out: yes or no. If you want to do something to change things, but have no idea how to do it, let it go, relax and look at ways to let go of control. Work: Don't take the slow wheels of change personally. Things will change. You need to let go of a vision of a certain type of relationship as the only way you can be happy. It is crucial to let go of any negative, self limiting beliefs.
Seven of Discs (Atmosphere): I need to take stock. I shouldn't be tempted to rest on my laurels, but I should push forward. I need to take a cue from synchronicity. I need to re-evaluate my goals. I also need to be buoyed by past success to charge into the future. I need to remember that I'm the guy who moved from Portland to NYC with $800 bucks in my pocket and nothing else, not even a place to stay for very long. I made major things happen before and I can again. Even despite being forty. I may not be as long as I used to be, but as I've proven, my focus is stronger. I need to remember that day in dance class back in October. I only have to operate as myself and take what I need. I don't need to compare myself to other people or to their journeys. The cards also said that I may opt for an extended leave or a long vacation. That is also tied into what might be happening with Portland, Atlanta, Iowa, Miami, Berkeley, Boston, and all of these residencies and jobs I'm applying for.
Other interpretation: Return on investments. You will be reaping what you have sown. Excellent omen for finances.
Six of Lovers (What I'm Supposed to Be Learning This Month - lesson of the cycle): This is where it became clear that it wasn't about work. I have choices to make. The choice is between security and risk. And this is a blessing in disguise. I need to do with what feels right. It's decision time. It also says there's an extramarital affair - not sure if this is on my end or the boyfriend's end. But there is a lot of duality, things appearing one way and actually being another. Associated with Gemini. Okay, so that's scary.
Other interpretation: If you are feeling ambivalent, follow your heart. Choose love over fear. Be cautious about mixing business with romance. Bring back LOVE into your life. Re-bond in your current relationship. Partnership in health, work, love and spirituality. You need a guide, a mentor.
Daughter of Swords (Foundation Card - root, the subconscious, my core beliefs): I have an active, curious mind. Maybe people I'm involved with don't take me seriously. I'm outspoken, but still not taken seriously. I should be open to exploring other ideas. I need to stop proving my point. And when this card is paired with the Two of Cups (it is), it refers to marriage. That confused me because it says that my relationship is iffy, but I might be heading towards marriage. Although, if I am looking at this from a work perspective, I might be ready to enter into a professional relationship as well. But am I breaking up with my boyfriend to do that?
Other interpretation: I may be pushing too hard or stepping on other people's toes. I need to step back. As far as work, I need to be humble in interviews yet not put myself down. With love, I need to know when to push and when to lay back. I need to give my partner space. Finances: Don't assume you know more than you do. Don't take on more than you can. Ask for help. Health: Don't over do it. Rest and silence helps. Take it easy. Spirituality: If you think your mind is already open, go further.
Two of Cups (Inverted - last few weeks): There might be problems in the relationship. We've not spending enough time with each other and there's no appreciation of each other's friends or family. I need to be clear about what I want and need from life before I can move forward. Nothing can change the way I want it to until this is resolved. There might be sexual problems. And I might be playing out an old relationship (just received an email meant for the Ex and then forwarded it to him and engaged in a conversation - the first one in years). Doing work in this relationship is work that needs to be done from past lives.
Other interpretation: The card speaks of friendship, romance, joy and sharing. Mainly about romantic relationships, but not always. In regards to work, I may like working a lot less, which is true of the past two weeks because I just finished a project and then went to Portland to hang out with my brother and his family. Trying to have some balance and reach out to my family. In terms of Love, if I am getting this card while there are problems, I might need to forgive and forget and start fresh. Don't carry grudges. In terms of Health, I might need to reach out for help, which means I need healing. In terms of Spirituality, this card is connected to the Heart Chakra and I need to find my bliss and connect to it. No one can do that for me. I liked this reading of the cards much better. Ha.
Priestess of Disks (inverted - How I move though the world): It's a Motherhood card. I need to shower my creations with love. I am an efficient, practical go-getter. I seek practical, tangible solutions. My family is seeking guidance. I don't give myself credit for past accomplishments, therefore no one else is either. I am ambivalent about my relationship. All of those things are true. I am getting better about giving myself credit for my past accomplishments, but if I don't get that straight no one will give me credit. One way I can give myself credit is when I'm interviewing for these jobs and talking about the programs I've set up and what I've accomplished. I need to reiterate and reinforce my power and my accomplishments. I need to nurture myself. I need to shower myself with love, as well as my creations. This is the card that reminds me that in order to merge my self with other people's perceptions of me, I need to focus on the lessons of this card. This card is the bridge.
The other interpretation mentioned that there is a dark haired lady who is likely to play an important role in my life in some way. That could be the woman I've met up at PSU. And I need to express my accomplishments to her, among other people, so she can see it and then so other people can see it. But if today's turn of events are any indication, I've started doing that. I need to do it more.
Four of Cups (Next Couple Weeks): I will be going through old emotions. There is ambivalence and apathy and disconnection. I need to recognize that depression might be more than a passing mood. I need to talk through my issues. I need to get specific about what I want. And I need to take action. This also goes to the core of what is holding me back. As I look at these cards with a few days distance, I see that the tools are right in front of me. I just need to pick them up and use them correctly and with skill and determination.
From the other interpretation: Focus on the now, not what will be. Create a gratitude journal. Count your blessings (this goes back to acknowledging my accomplishments). Focus on what you do have, not what you lack in terms of finances. Be specific, make goals and plans. If I think of my accomplishments as things I am grateful for, focusing on my accomplishments might be easier to do.
Shaman of Wands (inverted - Self Concept, How I feel about myself): Entrepreneur. Self starter. Uses full potential. Relentless drive and energy. Don't cut yourself off emotionally from those closest to you. Self reliant and confident. The fact that it's inverted means that I am not seeing these things which are true, which means that no one can see them either. The cards are talking to each other.
The other interpretation says that there is an older man who will be important to me. And this card in general refers to helpful men. In terms of spirituality, it says I am well on my way as indicated by the card. But that joy and plenty can be spiritual experiences as much as denial and austerity can be. And they're a lot more fun. So I should relax a little and maybe the spiritual growth will happen faster. Also to let go of this idea that I have to deny myself in order to have more spirituality.
Seven of Wands (Hope and Fear Card): Assertive. This is the Writer's Card. It also refers to teaching, lecturing and composing. Self-employment. I need to tie up my loose ends with my past and get on with it. Take the plunge! Strike out on your own. Romance is stifled. There are rivals for the affection of the one I like. I could be putting more energy into being on my own. I am living in fear of living on my own. But again, I need to remember that I've done it before and I can do it again.
Other interpretation: I will come out on top. Things will be going well. Feel the fear, but do it anyway! Don't hesitate to make clear where you stand with people. Your thinking is clear. And you're likely to help someone out by spelling things out for them. This card can indicate that a positive change is coming in your business life or personal life. This card points towards being independent: be self-employed if you've thought about it. Be logical however, if you can be self-employed while being employed somewhere else, do so. I'm definitely thinking about some new ways of teaching the art of dramatic writing and this might be where I am headed. But I also feel that being employed at Universities will help give me some cachet and experience. In terms of Love, speak your mind respectfully. Finances: expect an increase. Spirituality: By facing your fears and turning them into your advantages, you grow even stronger and ready to face the next obstacle in your path (HONOR THY ERROR AS HIDDEN INTENTION). Indeed, there can be no courage without fear to inspire it. That fear does not need to be your master anymore. Whatever your clear desires are, go for them. Cast your fears aside and go for it!
Two of Wands (Home): Success is imminent. Moving in the right direction. Investment in time, ideas and money will pay off. What is the dream that we both share that we can work on together?
Other interpretation: If you feel things are out of balance, they are about to get substantially better. Remain positive. Keep your eye on the prize. If you are looking for employment, you are about to find the right fit. You're more together and balanced that you realize, work wise. You're about to fit things together in new or unusual ways. Love: Things are about to get more equal. You will be surprised at how you are able to improve your financial situation. Take time to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally. That way you'll be able to help others.
Priestess of Cups (Steps Coming Up): Nurturer. World centers around children. Dreams are a vital source of information.
Other interpretation: Treat yourself with love and respect. Work: literally a woman who will be helpful to you. Financial: Creativity. Reach out to people for the help you need. Spirituality: increase in being in touch with clairvoyant tendencies. Be open to the magical energy of life and the love flowing around you. In regards to health: forgive and send love to your body.
Five of Wands (Argument Card): Sexual competition. Work interfering with relationship. Headed contest: stand your ground. Don't settle for less.
Other interpretation: Competition, usually in the work area. Don't be afraid of competing. Know that you have something to offer and can be successful. Your need to believe in yourself is stronger than ever now. You may be thinking of making a career change. You can do it. Work: Compete well, but play fair. Know that you are capable. Love: the person you love may be pursued by several people. Know that you have done everything you can for this relationship where you heart is involved. Financially: Do what you can. You can't do it all now, but you will soon. Money is coming, within the next few weeks. Spirituality: It's hard to grow spiritually if you're a chicken with you head cut off. Take time to rest, do nothing. Create space for yourself to be quiet and listen to the music of the spheres.
Death (the end of a cycle): Transitions. Permanent change. Transformation. Rebirth. Revitalizing force. Change is required: it will happen regardless of whether you work on it or not. You're afraid of the future. Superficial change is not enough. Metamorphosis awakens you to your immortality.
Other interpretation: Transition and change. A time of deep transformation, inwardly and outwardly. Often what you need to let go of is a self-limiting belief or attitude. Don't try to control this change, just go with it. This time is about change or destruction followed by renewal. Love: You might be frustrated by something not working out. Have a frank and honest conversation and if you or he are unable to change, then it might be time to let it go. Don't beat your head against a wall for very long.
By the end of the reading, I was freaked out and embraced for the worst. Now I am not so much. I want to meet this time of great change, which means great growth. I felt like that when I broke up with my Ex. Everything turned upside down, but everything changed for the better. And if I can survive that, I can surf through this. I can ride the wave and let it take me to the heights of where I need to be. Don't be afraid of the power of change, let it take you far out to where you need to go. This is an area where I can reflect on my past accomplishments and take stock that I can do it again.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Dying Regrets
My Dad passed away last July and I think about him every day. My family and I talk a lot about the things he could have done and would have done had he lived. I came across this article on Facebook and a lot of it rang true to me.
http://www.trueactivist.com/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/
I think my Dad had a lot of these regrets. Something I've learned in the 16 months he's been gone is that I need to change things in my life now so I don't end up sick and dying in bed at least 20 years ahead of my time. Here are the points the author makes and how I've changed my life since my Dad's death.
1. I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not to the life others expected of me. I think I'm doing that now. For so long, I felt like I had to live my life a certain way. Responsibly. Being responsible has so many connotations that aren't all positive. I was raised to be a responsible person. But some of that had to do with expectations, not with what I wanted out of life. I went to private schools my whole life and have done very well academically. I have held down responsible jobs and now I'm at a point in my life where I want to focus primarily on my writing. The idea of living responsibility has a lot to do with being financially stable. I don't dispute that. But one can also live a life of their own design and still be responsible in every way. I'm embarking on a new adventure as a freelancer. It's frightening, but I don't want to be held down to a normal nine to five. I want to teach. I am not closed off to the idea of a stable job with benefits at all. Teaching would be that for me. But I don't want to just settle in one place for the sake of security. I don't want to stop taking risks. Sometimes standing on your own and following your gut is a lonely place. But I want happiness out of my life. I don't want to hate what I do for a living. And in order to change things around, I have to start approaching life differently. I write every day and I trust that the Universe will send opportunities my way. I'm opening myself up in a new, trusting way that I've never embraced before. It's the scariest thing ever. But it's the most liberating thing ever, too.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard. Well, this is completely contrary to the way I was raised. But I know as a kid my Dad wasn't around a lot. I have had a freer schedule in the past two and a half years, including the time when I was taking care of my Dad most of the time. I have to say that because I wasn't working a 60 hour work week (40 hour work weeks don't exist in entertainment), I didn't miss any of it. I was there to feed my Dad, administer his medication, consult with his nurses and make his transition as peaceful and dignified as possible. I didn't work so hard at things I hated, which meant that I didn't miss out. Hard work and commitment is one thing. But laboring over something to where you miss out on life is another. I have done without a lot because I've been on unemployment. But I have never been happier. And now, when work starts coming in more regularly, I will know how to manage that in my life too. I will know exactly what I need to survive and the rest I can let go of because I'm not going to work myself to the bone on something I hate doing just to acquire stuff. I want to acquire stuff my doing what I love and doing it until my hands bleed.
3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. Never had a problem with that. I was an effusive, emotional kid from the womb. I express my feelings so that I can be aware of how I feel at all times.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. I don't have a huge posse, but I have friends who are close to my that I care about greatly. And those people I make sure I keep in touch with constantly. I try to keep people in my life, not get rid of them if I can help it.
5. I wish I had let myself be happier. Happiness is the key. So is kindness. And I try to surround myself with both all the time. If you live the life you want, express yourself and have good friends to share it with you are allowing yourself to be happier. I like visiting my brother and his family in Portland. I like eating. I like spending time with my boyfriend. All of these things can be done for a lot or a little money. So there's no excuse to spend time with the people you love.
I also started eating healthier. I exercise a lot more. And I rest a lot more. I try to give my body a break so I can continue to enjoy it for a long, long time to come. And I hope I don't lay on my death bed feeling any of these regrets because I will have completed my journey and I'll be ready for the next adventure.
http://www.trueactivist.com/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/
I think my Dad had a lot of these regrets. Something I've learned in the 16 months he's been gone is that I need to change things in my life now so I don't end up sick and dying in bed at least 20 years ahead of my time. Here are the points the author makes and how I've changed my life since my Dad's death.
1. I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not to the life others expected of me. I think I'm doing that now. For so long, I felt like I had to live my life a certain way. Responsibly. Being responsible has so many connotations that aren't all positive. I was raised to be a responsible person. But some of that had to do with expectations, not with what I wanted out of life. I went to private schools my whole life and have done very well academically. I have held down responsible jobs and now I'm at a point in my life where I want to focus primarily on my writing. The idea of living responsibility has a lot to do with being financially stable. I don't dispute that. But one can also live a life of their own design and still be responsible in every way. I'm embarking on a new adventure as a freelancer. It's frightening, but I don't want to be held down to a normal nine to five. I want to teach. I am not closed off to the idea of a stable job with benefits at all. Teaching would be that for me. But I don't want to just settle in one place for the sake of security. I don't want to stop taking risks. Sometimes standing on your own and following your gut is a lonely place. But I want happiness out of my life. I don't want to hate what I do for a living. And in order to change things around, I have to start approaching life differently. I write every day and I trust that the Universe will send opportunities my way. I'm opening myself up in a new, trusting way that I've never embraced before. It's the scariest thing ever. But it's the most liberating thing ever, too.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard. Well, this is completely contrary to the way I was raised. But I know as a kid my Dad wasn't around a lot. I have had a freer schedule in the past two and a half years, including the time when I was taking care of my Dad most of the time. I have to say that because I wasn't working a 60 hour work week (40 hour work weeks don't exist in entertainment), I didn't miss any of it. I was there to feed my Dad, administer his medication, consult with his nurses and make his transition as peaceful and dignified as possible. I didn't work so hard at things I hated, which meant that I didn't miss out. Hard work and commitment is one thing. But laboring over something to where you miss out on life is another. I have done without a lot because I've been on unemployment. But I have never been happier. And now, when work starts coming in more regularly, I will know how to manage that in my life too. I will know exactly what I need to survive and the rest I can let go of because I'm not going to work myself to the bone on something I hate doing just to acquire stuff. I want to acquire stuff my doing what I love and doing it until my hands bleed.
3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. Never had a problem with that. I was an effusive, emotional kid from the womb. I express my feelings so that I can be aware of how I feel at all times.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. I don't have a huge posse, but I have friends who are close to my that I care about greatly. And those people I make sure I keep in touch with constantly. I try to keep people in my life, not get rid of them if I can help it.
5. I wish I had let myself be happier. Happiness is the key. So is kindness. And I try to surround myself with both all the time. If you live the life you want, express yourself and have good friends to share it with you are allowing yourself to be happier. I like visiting my brother and his family in Portland. I like eating. I like spending time with my boyfriend. All of these things can be done for a lot or a little money. So there's no excuse to spend time with the people you love.
I also started eating healthier. I exercise a lot more. And I rest a lot more. I try to give my body a break so I can continue to enjoy it for a long, long time to come. And I hope I don't lay on my death bed feeling any of these regrets because I will have completed my journey and I'll be ready for the next adventure.
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