Push/Pull

In my last relationship, whenever something good would happen to me or whenever I felt I was making a stride in a particular area of my life, something would happen in my relationship to pull me back.

I don't feel that same push/pull as strongly with The Drummer, but…

I had two great things happen to me yesterday.  I had a great meeting with an actor I met on a shoot for a friend's web series who is interested in putting together an evening of theatre and might want to use something I've written.  And then I got what seems to be an offer from Portland to come up and do a workshop with their students.

I shared this information with my boyfriend.  I should back up.  I came home wanting to share that with the boyfriend, but he was in the middle of getting set up for a songwriting and recording session.  He was stressed, he was trying to get things together, and he was seemingly ignoring me.  I didn't feel it was the right time to launch into my news, partially because I knew I wouldn't get the reception I wanted.  So I waited after he finished and we went outside for a cigarette.

Then I shared the news about the Portland gig with him.  He then started talking about how that means I'm going to move there and that my brother must be excited because I'm going to move there and on and on.  But I'm not moving there yet, I tried to explain to him.  But I saw it.  I saw him start to make the separation real.

The truth is that I have been applying for jobs out of state because there doesn't seem to be anything here for me and I need to start looking at other options.

So last night the guys worked.  But the boyfriend was keeping his distance.  And this morning I got up and he seemed to be disturbed that I was getting up to work out.  Actually, I didn't realize he was bugged out until I got back.  I asked him if he was up to anything later before his gig.  He asked me "Why?"  I started to get the sense that there was something going on.  And my feelings started to get hurt.  So I opened up the conversation:

"I feel like you're starting to make the separation as if I'm moving to Portland for sure when nothing has happened yet."

"It's going to happen."

"I don't know that yet."

"But you're putting energy behind it.  It's going to happen."

And then he said something devastating: He said that if I moved to Portland and was gone for eight months out of the year that for sure we would break up.

That sounded familiar.  I feel like I'm in a Big/Petrofsky situation.  The Ex used to say that if I moved out of town for a job we would break up for sure.  So I never entertained the idea.  The Drummer waited until the ball was rolling to express his concerns when the whole time I've been applying for jobs out of town - the past several months - he's been saying that I need to go where the opportunities are.  That has been what he has said our entire relationship.  That gave me comfort and made me feel that we would be willing to work something out if we needed to go long distance. That's not what he's saying now.  He's saying pretty much what the Ex used to say.  At least the Ex let me know where he stood from the get go instead of saying the "right thing" - the thing you're supposed to say.

And I fell apart.  I understand the stress and strain of a long distance relationship.  But I don't want to say good bye before it's time to say good bye.  Is our relationship dying?

I'm grateful The Drummer finally had the balls to say what was in his heart.
I'm grateful that I am in a different place now and that I know what I need to do.
I'm grateful for what we have.  And I'm not putting it into the past tense.  
I'm grateful that I want to live in the now and that I said what I needed to say to him without fear and without reservation.
I am grateful that I am a different person now than I was three years ago and it shows.

Disappointments: What Do You Do?

I found out I'm not up for a job I really wanted.

First Reaction: It's Okay.

That's the mature reaction.  Because we all understand that's the mature reaction.  And I agree for the most part.  I want to move on.

Second Reaction: But I Really Wanted It and I would have been great

True.  I have to acknowledge that it's a disappointment and not just brush that under the rug.

Third Reaction: Let's Eat.  Or let's go find attention.  Or let's smoke.  Or let's drink.

I actually am thinking of going to a spa and reading How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life by the Dalai Lama.  I'm feeling a need for peace and quiet and reflection.  But maybe I'll go to the park next store to see what that brings up for me.  Then maybe I'll go to the spa.  Am I just going to the spa to look at naked bodies?  Maybe.  That will make me feel better.  But if I'm looking for reflection and quiet, let me try that without the nudity first.

And if I need the nudity to make me feel better later, then fine.

But I just want to get back to It's Okay after considering all of the other options.

I'm grateful for reflection.
I'm grateful that I know my worth and that it's not defined by this.
I'm grateful that there's more and greater things ahead.

Choices Don't Get Any Easier

My friend Dave has been a spiritual advisor, friend and confidante since I was fifteen years old.  That is a long time.  He was my theology professor in high school and he knows my progression as a person better than almost anyone outside of my brother and my best friend Alanna.  So I called him earlier today because we haven't talked in a while and I wanted to see if he was going to be out in LA for the holidays (he grew up here).  Even though he won't be out here until after the New Year, I wanted to fill him in about what's going on with me and this job search.

I told him about the three different opportunities that I've put myself up for.  And Dave had different advice than anyone I've spoken to.  My recent tarot card reading said that an older man might be important to me.  Dave definitely is important to me in a lot of ways.  I value his opinion and advisement about everything.  He told me that the PSU position could be a smaller opportunity and that if I want to establish myself in a larger way in academia that the University of Iowa job might be where I want to put my focus.  And that the job at Emory could be good, but that I want to look beyond the two years of the Fellowship.  His concern is that I don't take advantage of my time now as a vibrant, youthful force.  Right now, I'm desirable to institutions because I have the right combination of youth and experience.  In three to five years, I might just seem old and relegated to the adjunct faculty.  This is my time to make a move if I want a serious position in academia.

Dave is usually a very gentle guiding force.  This conversation was pointed and exact.  He said that he wants to make sure I didn't make the mistakes he made when he started teaching on the University level.  His points that I should get on the tenure track now if I want a serious academic role.  And that seems to be where I get scared.  I think I want to be a working artist, rather than a full fledged professor.  Dave's point is that if I don't get serious about it, I won't have a choice and eventually those working artist opportunities and so will the tenure track ones.

I appreciate Dave's advice because no one is giving me that kind of dead serious life advice.  I value his judgment and his experience.  I do have to decide if his advice is the right advice for me.  I think it's very good advice and I think the validity of the advice hedges on whether or not I am entering into full-blown professorhood.  Right now, I've been content to dip my foot in and to think on a micro level rather than on the macro level that Dave is talking about.  He doesn't want my options to run out.

Here's another opportunity to declare what I want and to get specific about it.  But his point is well taken.  It just scares the fuck out of me.

A Gypsy's Life For Me

Dancers call themselves gypsies because they're traveling all over the place constantly.  They're nomadic.  

I always wanted to be a dancer and got to study dance in college.  So there's something about that gypsy spirit that has always appealed to me.  I am a free spirit honestly.

Most of my professional life I have been tied to a desk.  It seemed like the proper thing to do after all of the schooling I've had and the different cities I've lived in.  I've been back in LA for ten years now and I'm getting that itch.  

It has been great to be able to travel to Portland to visit my brother and his family a lot in the past two years and I'm excited about going back there in less than two weeks.  I traveled back and forth every week from Burbank to Santa Clara when I was teaching.  I've put myself on the guest lecturer circuit at a few schools.  I like the idea of not being in one place all of the time.  Part of that is because I am in a relationship with a gypsy.  

The Drummer is going to have a busy summer and fall gigging all over the country.  First the West Coast in July, the East Coast in September and the South in October.  He's a traveling musician.  It's a great life.  He has his life here teaching and gigging, but he also gets to see the country and play in a band that takes him all over the place.  

I like the idea of not being stuck in one place all of the time.  One office.  One city.  One job.

I'm embarking on an adventure of doing a bunch of different types of jobs.  I have some feelers out with a friend who's looking for freelance copywriters.  There's someone else I know who is looking for a ghost writer for her memoir.  Teaching could be in my future again, which I would love.  I am putting together a sketch show with my best friend.  And we're working on a new play together. And a movie and maybe a musical.  My other friend Tony and I are working on a musical together that's set in San Francisco and I should probably head up there at some point to do some work on it with him in person. There's also another play I should be rewriting to do a reading of this summer.  And there's a commission I might right a new play for.  I'm also sending out some plays for a few other opportunities.  There's always something going on.  And that could take me to a few different places, which I would welcome.  I don't feel stuck to LA.  I can always come back.

I want to be working on all of these projects.  And I want to be making some money as well.  All of that would be incredibly helpful for me.  But it could be a lot of fun.  I've been living that way for a while.

There's that old saying, "Start doing the job you want to be doing.  Don't wait for someone to hand it to you."  Something like that.  Good advice.

All In

My materials are all submitted for this teaching job.

Yesterday, I turned in my letter of intent, my CV and three references.  And today I got an email confirming that all of my materials were received.  Now I need to let it go.

I had a lot of inner turmoil when I found out about this job.  On one hand, it was the answer to my prayers.  After Hawaii, I wanted to start on the next chapter in my life.  And this seemed like a big opportunity.  It felt like something I had manifested.  But at the same time, it involves me being out of LA for at least a year.  It feels like a huge risk.  And it's not a done deal.  I don't have the job.  I think I'm the person for it.  But that doesn't mean that I will get it.  

But I do know that if it does happen, that I will be all in.  I will give all of myself because that's the way I approach everything in my life.  But if I've learned anything over the past two and a half years, it is that I need to make sure I'm saving something for myself as well.

I need to make sure that I do these two play rewrites that I have looming over me.  There's a workshop I want to do in July and a reading that might be happening then as well.  So once I'm heading towards production (putting that out into the Universe), I have this musical adaptation I'm working on with a friend who happens to be in San Francisco.  That makes all the sense in the world since I'll be up there. And there's an HBO show that will be shooting there starting in the Fall.  So I have to try to make my way up to the city to poke around.  Jonathan Groff's in the show and it's about contemporary gay life.  So for that reason alone, I need to figure out a way to get up there.

And I just wrote a script that takes place in San Francisco.  So all roads lead to the Bay Area.  Like I said, I am all in.

A Day Off

Today I just needed to stop.

I had to stop worrying about whether or not this job is going to happen.  If it's one year or three years or starting out at one year, but renewable up to three.  Or if I have what it takes.  Or if my references are the right references.  Or if it's going to affect my relationship.  Or what plays would I teach?  I had to stop.

So I went to the gym.  Then I went to the supermarket.  I caught up on some TV.  I made healthy food: quinoa and tofu.  Then I went to the supermarket again.  And I got potato chips, frozen Snickers ice cream bars, root beer, potato salad and frozen pizza.

I will start my cleanse tomorrow.  Maybe.

I need to really start my new play rewrite tomorrow.  But today I just needed to truly stop.  I was done. My brain hurts.  I have been writing and planning for the future and doing all sorts of shit for a long time.  Now I just need to stop.  Close my eyes.  Relax.  Be lazy.

I haven't done that in a while.  Feels good.

What Does It All Mean?

The posting for this teaching job finally went up today.  And it looks like the job is back to being a year (although I have the sneaking suspicion, it's going to be renewable after the first year). 

So what was the point in me thinking it was going to be three years?

Maybe it was about getting me used to the idea of changing my life.  Maybe it was a litmus test of whether or not this was just a passing fancy or something that I really want to commit to.  

But I know I want it.  And I know I will be committed and won't just run out after a year if there's more opportunity.  I guess it also let me know that if it was three years, and indeed a major arc of my life, I would still want it.

It let me know that I've changed what I want in life.  I don't just want to pursue fame and fortune and notoriety, but that I'm actually interested in writing and writers.

So whatever happens, I'm ready for it.

A Change Will Do Me Good

Life changes--no matter how much we welcome them--are scary.

I am adopting a few philosophies when it comes to my approach to life:

• Say YES.
• Let go.
• Be open.
• Laugh.
• Be enthusiastic.
• Welcome surprise and change.

That might be it.  I want to invite life to get exponentially more exciting, more lucrative and more meaningful.

I'm realizing that this blog is like life.  It's got it's active periods and it's hibernation periods.  I hadn't really written on here since late December and now I'm finding life picking up again.  The winds of change.

I fully embraced our Hawaii Trip because I knew that it would be two weeks in my life that would be set aside for family, for love, and to pay tribute to my Dad.  Life had pretty much been on hold until the end of that trip  I made the conscious decision to do that.  Despite some pressures from The Drummer, who I'm not sure still quite understands what it was like to lose my Dad or carry the burden of being his caretaker, I gave homage to my feelings and didn't rush back into the rat race.  I let myself have the time to embrace my grief and to transform it into a motivation to live better and with more awareness.

Now that we made that pilgrimage to the Fatherland, life is sprouting anew.  I am pregnant with possibility and options.  Life is truly moving on.  And like I said I would experience everything fully when it came to my Father's illness and death, I am committed to fully experiencing my life from this point forward.  I am embracing the lessons and the feelings its bringing up in me.  I am choosing how I want my life to be and that feels great.

But change always is disruptive to the way things have been.  Three years ago I was in an unhappy relationship trying to make things work.  I went to fancy dinners every night.  I drove around in a beautiful convertible BMW with my boyfriend who was miserable and making me miserable.  We had two dogs.  And I was perfectly willing to sit in the stink of my unhappiness.

Then we broke up.  I was housesitting and couch surfing for a while.  I ended a job I had for seven years.  I started a new job.  And that job was the best job I ever had up to that point.  I was appreciated and valued.  I excelled at that job.  I really came into my own.  Then it ended and I was ready for the next adventure.

My Dad goes into the hospital two days into my "unemployment."  And that started a year long adventure of being there for him.  Almost immediately, I decided that I needed to be there for him and not be encumbered by a job.  I made myself available to my alma mater should they need someone to come up and do workshops.  I knew I was going to need some time away while I was dealing with my Dad's illness.  In the middle of this, I met The Drummer and my life got a little bit better.

Then I got a job teaching up there for ten weeks.  And that was probably the best job I ever had.  It was a good year for best jobs.  I found myself engaging with my students.  I came alive.  It gave me a sense of purpose.

Then that job was over and it was back to dealing with Dad and his sickness.  By April, it became clear that there was nothing that could be done and he needed our care 24/7 at the house.  I was determined that he not go into a home and I was going to do everything to make sure that didn't happen.  And I got my wish.  He died at home.

It's hard to believe that between July and March I was still going through this process of grief and figuring out the future for my Mom.  We had financial things to deal with.  Dad left us in a good place, but we needed to ensure the future for Mom.  I wanted to allow myself the time to work through my grief and sadness.  I wrote a lot throughout the whole time of Dad's illness and through his death and in the months afterwards.  I wrote two new plays and four new pilots during the past two years.

Then we got to Hawaii and returned.  It felt like it was time to start anew.  I got rid of my manager.  I finished the new pilot.  I wanted to get things moving.  A theatre was asking for a rewrite and I had another rewrite for a production I want to put up in the Fall.  Then this new job possibility came up.  Then an application for something called the Humanitas New Voices Program which would allow me to write a new pilot under the guidance of a mentor if I was awarded one of the four grants they offer.  I was ready for life to start anew and here was life waiting for me with some options.  And maybe those options won't pan out.  But then there will be other options waiting for me around the bend.

Change is upheaval.  And I have been upheaved several times over the past two plus years.  I just need to remember that it all works out and that riding the wave will bring me closer to where I want to be.

Visualizing the Opportunity: Teaching

Manifesting can be scary.  About six months ago, I went up to Santa Clara to see some students in a show.  While up there for the weekend, a colleague asked me if I would come in and guest teach two classes for her: one on finding agents and managers, and the other on planning a career by dreaming big.  I absolutely agreed to come up and guest teach. 

When I got home to LA, I thought about teaching.  I knew that the university would never have me come up just to teach one class, so I thought about the other classes I could possibly teach.  I looked at the course catalogue and picked about six classes that I knew I was qualified to teach.  I created six syllabi for those classes.  Yeah, I know. I'm a crazy person.  Didn't give it another thought.

Then I came back to teach that class.  It went extremely well, but then I felt like I was getting the cold shoulder from the department.  I wanted to set up some meetings with some folks about some potential teaching opportunities, but there seemed to be things going on behind the scenes that I wasn't privy to.  And I was told that while they could pay me for the first class I taught, they wouldn't pay for me to come back.  It was then that I decided that I didn't want to give away my expertise for free.  So I declined the invitation to teach the second class.  I knew that I couldn't give away information for free.  There wasn't even a barter situation.  It wasn't like they were setting up contacts for me.  

Then I went back up for the wedding of a friend and walked into the office of the department chair.  She told me a position had opened up in the department for the following school year to teach playwriting.  It would only be for a year.  But it would be five courses: two sections of Intro to Playwriting, a class in Adaptation, a Playwrights Festival Workshop and a class in Social Justice and the Arts.  All of this sounded amazing and I immediately got excited.

But it also made me nervous because the guy who I took over for when I taught there was also applying.  He had more experience than me.  And he was teaching there longer.

Then I thought of something.  The class had been offered at Santa Clara for years under the leadership of the guy I subbed for in the Fall of 2011.  Because they wanted to keep the class on the  curriculum, they incorporated it into the University's Core Curriculum.  This was designed to keep enrollment up.  I taught it with 17 students (the cap is 20).  The next year it was taught, there were 25 students in the course.  And this coming school year, they now want to offer two sections of it.  That seems like a remarkable change in the course of a year and a half.  And I think I had at least something to do with it.  

I had a big impact in a short amount of time.  The students and faculty seem to want me around.  That gave me some confidence.  So I went about my business and started putting my application together to be ready when they eventually would post the job.  As I was doing this, I reached out to a colleague for a recommendation.  Then I got some more news.  The job was no longer just a year long position, it would now be a three year gig.  I was prepared to change my life for a year, but to change it for three?  A good friend of mine remarked that this would represent a major arc in my life, versus just hopping out of my life for a year.  This was a CHANGE.

Is this what I had manifested?  I went over all of the choices and declarations I made over the past six months, all of which are detailed above.  Did I do this?  Is this my destiny?  Or is it an acknowledgement that more is out there for me than I initially thought?

I don't know the answer to that question.  But I'm just continuing to put the energy out there and l'm continuing to ride on the Universe's wave to my destination.

And I'm continuing to Visualize  yet another opportunity.  It's certainly an adventure.

Back 2013

I have taken a break from writing this blog for about five months.  I have thought about getting back here several times over that period, but life just started happening.

Here's a quick recap on the things that have happened, month by month:

January:
I was supposed to do a rewrite of my play OPEN, which involves open marriage.  I got sick and then went to Portland with my Mom to celebrate her 67th and my nephew's 1st birthdays.  The trip was wonderful.  We had time to share together and I got to take my Mom around town.  I also got the chance to be with friends.  I hadn't been back in Portland since April of the previous year.  So it was good to be back in a town that I love.  I was also sick during that trip and lost my voice.  I had to guest teach a class at Santa Clara on finding agents and managers.  That was a significant trip for me (for reasons that will become clear soon).  I gave this lecture, which was a powerful thing to do.  I feel the students really got a lot out of it.  Kristin, the professor I worked with, asked me to come back in February to do another class.  However, she said that the university wouldn't be able to pay me twice.  I didn't like that, but at the time I felt like I wanted to be there for the students.  But when I drove home, I realized that I would be giving away my expertise for free.  Right then and there I decided not to do that.  So I emailed Kristin and told her why I couldn't teach the second class.  I don't want to be giving my goodies away for free.  I want to get paid for my expertise.

February:
I turned 40.  I had two birthday parties: one at the roller rink and one at a Latina drag bar.  A bunch of friends came out for my parties and I felt loved.  My boyfriend, The Drummer, was able to make it to both, which really made it special for me.  He can't make it to a lot of weekend activities because of his playing schedule, so it was get really difficult.  This birthday was significant to me for a lot of reasons, one of them being this was the first one since my Dad died.  And this birthday was a big one.  It also signifies that I have become an adult.  Along with my Dad dying, this was another opportunity for me to step into my adulthood.

I used to be shy about admitting my age because in Hollywood, youth is valued.  But in my journey, I realize that I have a lot of experience that I was not valuing because I was pretending to be younger than I am.  That allowed people to treat me like a child.  It also allowed people to believe that I had a lot of time ahead of me.  And yes, 40 is not 80.  But these are the years where things start coming into fruition.  I have to own who I am.  And that person is 40.  That person has gone to college, worked in advertising, ran an arts education program for runaways, moved to New York, worked as an events manager, gone to NYU to get a Master of Fine Arts, worked in TV production and development and as a de facto executive, been up for several awards, fellowships and TV writing jobs, has made every job he has ever worked more than just the title he worked under (but has never stepped it up to demand that title), taught on the University level, taken care of his dying father and held his family together, written at least ten full length plays and eight TV pilots, co-directed a theatre project and survived several hard relationships throughout his life.  I deserve to be 40 and to own that authority and the power and position that comes along with all of that.  Yes, as my therapist and I have discussed, the age is just a title, but I need to own the high-level position that I have created for myself.  And now I do.

March:

The first half of March was all about our family vacation to Hawaii to spread my Dad's ashes and to come together as a family.  That was a beautiful experience and one which I will share on a future blog entry in greater detail.  But it was an emotional experience and a significant one for me.  And it closed an important chapter in my life.

I also have been writing my new pilot throughout this whole time and including through March.  When I got back from Hawaii, I decided that I needed a fresh start in one area of my life that still felt like my old life: my career.  I fired my long time manager (and former employer) because as my tarot reading said over a year ago: "the serpent has outlived its purpose."  The serpent was still slithering around in this one area of my life and now it was time to let him go.  And I did.  And that set up the next stage of my life...

April:

I kept writing this pilot through the first couple weeks of April.  I wanted to write about my Dad and write about things I love: food, restaurants, family, legacy.  As of this posting, I am actually putting on some final finishing touches on this pilot.

After I let go of my management, I realized I needed to take the matters of my career in my own hands. I had always been good out of relationships.  I never worried about finding the one or asking myself when Prince Charming was riding along on his white stallion.  But when it came to my career, I was desperate at every turn to have Prince Charming show up and save me from mopping Hollywood's floors.  I am adopting the approach I have to dating: don't worry about it, have fun and do my thing.  Everything else will fall into its place and the good fortune will be attracted to me when I express truly who I am.

That being said, I started reaching out to people in my life who can help out in that capacity.  I saw my friend Jack, who's a show runner, and we caught up.  I saw my friend Matt who works at CAA.  I got together with my friend Robert, who is an EP on Dallas, and he read the new script and have me major props and a couple of notes, which I am implementing right now.  I have a deadline for an award application coming up this week and Robert's notes are helping me make this script exactly what it should be.

The other thing that happened is that one of my best friends, Veronica got married on April 13th.  I went up a few days early to Santa Clara to spend time with my students and friends.  I also was writing a lot when I was there on that trip, knowing that I needed to keep working on this script and didn't need to be distracted.  When I went to visit the theatre department, I dropped in on Barbara, the head of the department, and the woman I used to work for.  She also was a professor of mine when I was in school.  She didn't expect me to show up in her office, since V didn't invite the faculty because she didn't want to exclude anyone.  But she had some interesting news.

A position had just opened up for the 2013/2014 academic school year in Playwriting.  It would be five courses: two intro to Playwriting classes, one class in Adaptation, one course that involved the Playwrights Festival and a class in Social Justice and the Arts.  I was in shock.  Back in November, when I went to visit and talked to Kristin about doing her class in January, I was inspired to create syllabi for five courses I felt I could teach if ever asked.  And here I was in a position to use that information.  The decision making process would be short.  They would post the position in a few weeks (still waiting for that to happen) and they would need to make a decision by June, which is when the school year ends.  My jaw was on the floor.  I consulted with some colleagues about whether or not I should apply.  My fear has always been that I would be taken out of LA and those dreams wouldn't come true.  But I am trying to adopt a policy of saying yes to every opportunity and seeing where that takes me.  And there's nothing to say that I can't have a successful playwriting career, a thriving teaching career and a bountiful career as a TV show creator, producer and writer.  I would like to have all of those balls in the air simultaneously.  And I know I could juggle all of those balls and keep them bouncing.

So this month has been about big changes, big possibilities and moving on from my father's death.  It has been nine months since he passed.  Incredible.

So now I'm truly back to this blog.  Hope to write some more soon.  There's a ton going on, but now more than ever I want to document what's happening on my journey.

Stay tuned.

What Not To Do

My life is being affected by now by examples of what I don't want.  I've spent a lot of time in my life dealing with situations that are not right for me and I'm trying to exorcise those influences.  But what I am also trying to focus on is the lesson.  It's not about the crappy shit you're in, but what you can learn from it.

The Drummer and I have a house guest.  This guy is in his mid-fifties and a musician.  But he's not industrious like The Drummer.  He's a guy who has a lot of ideas and things he wants to do, but no means of making them happen.  I clearly have plenty of judgment around this.  I think some of that judgment comes from my own fear of becoming like that.  Yes, I have more in my background that has prepared me for the road ahead and I'm a hard worker.  But there's still that pit at the base of my stomach. But that pit pushes me, it doesn't immobilize me.  So the lesson there seems to be that I need to keep pushing so that I don't let any of my momentum stop.

The same feeling of discomfort comes from some work I'm doing for a friend of mine who has made a living doing a bunch of freelance jobs.  She's a writer like myself.  And a really talented one.  To make ends meet and to avoid a 9 to 5 job, she does a bunch of things: she ghost writes books, she writes copy for magazines and websites--she basically uses her writing skills to pay the bills.  But what she hasn't been able to do as much in recent years is write for herself.  She very lovingly passed on some work to me.  I'm kind of doing some ghost writing for her because she's got more work than she can take on right now and instead of let some of those jobs go, she's asked me to help her out.  And I realized that I really hate it.  It's some money coming in.  But I also realized that she is putting out a lot more effort than she's getting paid for.  It's not working smart.  This is another lesson: work hard, but work smart.  If I don't want to find myself in a place where I'm not doing the kind of writing I'd like to be doing, I need to keep focused.  It's not that it's not noble or necessary to bring home the bacon.  It is.  She has to work.  She's got a family to help support.  

The greater lesson is to be conscious of the life you want to create and to never let up on it.  Our house guest is a person who has just gone by without a plan and letting things happen to him.  Now he has to couch surf and rely on the good will of others.  At this point, the good will is running out.  Even The Drummer, who is patient beyond belief, has lost patience.  You can't just let things happen without having a hand in making things happen.  And with my friend, she has made choices for her personal life which affect the work choices she makes.  She's got less flexibility because she's got a family.  That's not true for everyone, but it has been true for her.

I don't want to be working for people for the rest of my life.  I have to create the work for myself and I want people to work for me.  That's why writing my own stuff is so important.  I do feel a bit of a time clock--for the unemployment to run out.  I have been able to survive on what I'm bringing in, but that's not going to be true forever.  So I have to make sure that I stick on the plan and that I'm as hard working as I like to think I am.  I have to keep going.  It is not just about talking about working or all of these wonderful things I want to do.  It's the doing.

And right now what I'm involved in: the plays I'm writing and working on theatres with, the pilots I'm writing, the contacts I'm making, the relationships I'm maintaining--all of that is working in the direction of making sure that in as short a time as possible, I'm running my own shows and that I'm also lecturing and teaching.  I want all of those things to be a part of my life.  And I am doing all of those things, as my therapist would say.  Even though I'm not getting paid (or paid much), I am doing those things.  I am saying to the universe, this is what I want to be doing.

People know me as a writer.

People know me as a teacher.

People see me as an expert in my field.

I look qualified.

I look authoritative.  

And that's because I write, I teach, I give expertise, I am qualified and I have authority in the things I write and teach and talk about.

That is what I want to do.  And the things I don't want to do are being shown to me, like a movie screen, because it keeps me focused on what it is that I want to do.  Exactly.  Because I constantly am reminding myself of what the Prize is so I can keep my Eye on it.

The Juggler

I've got a lot of balls in the air right now.  I'm fine with that.

I have a friend who is always busy.  "I'm so busy," she always says.  And it winds her up.  It also puffs her chest because if she's "busy" then everything seems important.  It seems to justify her choices.  I've never quite taken that approach.  It feels good to have things to do.  But I keep most of that stress to myself.  And I'm doing things I love so it feels less like work.

For my friend, it all feels like work because it's not directed to her passion.  She's doing work for very good reasons. But it has created this sort of self-fulfilling prophecy of always working, but never being fed.  Listen, this is someone I adore and respect.  But it's not where I want to be.

I'm going to Santa Clara to do a lecture next year in February.  I'm also doing one in January about finding representation.  But the one in February is about, "What do I want to Do?"  We're calling it our pie in the sky lecture.  The idea is that if there was no limit, what would you want to do.  The funny thing that I've discovered, because I did a mini unplanned version of that lecture last year, is that it's hard for these kids to come up with those big ideas.  Because of fear.  But it's important to ask for what you want.

I'm living a life right now that doesn't have a lot of financial reward.  But it's the life I want to be living. I'm with a great guy.  We have fun together.  We make it work.  I'm writing every day.  I am able to keep an eye on my Mom and be around her.  I travel a bit.  I'm connected to my students at Santa Clara through guest lectures.  I'm working on plays.  I'm working on a pilot.  I have made choices to do or not do things based on where I want my life to be.

I don't want to be a parent (right now or ever) because I know that if I'm a parent my priorities change.  I have to make choices for that person.  I'll be all in.  I only want to make choices for myself.

So I don't feel burdened by how busy I am.  I'm not tortured.  I'm not stressed.  I'm not freaking out on other people.  I'm just busy.  And I just put one foot in front of the other.  That's the way I have to do it.  And I have a lot to keep my busy and excited and interested.  There's a lot of variety in my life right now and that's the way I like it.

Hitting Reset

There's a lot going on right now.
I'm supposed to be rewriting a play that I'm having a partial reading of in Washington DC next weekend.  But of course I'm getting wrapped up in the research and it being totally amazing.
I have a workshop that I'm doing in January of another play that I wrote this year.
January's going to be really busy actually.
I have the workshop, then I go to Portland to celebrate my Mom and my nephew's birthdays.  Then I'll see friends for a few days.
Then off to Santa Clara to guest lecture on agents and managers.
Then back there in February to do a special guest lecture on life after college.
Then Hawaii in March for 10-14 days.

I was talking to The Drummer about that trip.  We're trying to figure out how long we're staying.  My Mom can only be there a week.  My Brother and his family are going to stay an extra week.  I'm not working right now, so I'm feeling extra nervous about money.  I'm freelancing a bit.  I'm waiting on my unemployment extension to come through.  Money issues always weight heavy on me.  I have some money from my Dad that I inherited, but I felt that it'd be wasteful to depend on that, even for a little while.

Then my boyfriend said something supportive.  He said, "That's what it's there for."  And this isn't a guy who is frivolous.  He's a guy who has worked for everything.  He's very frugal.  But he said to me that maybe this is a reset.  Maybe I need this Hawaii trip to set me up for what the rest of my life is going to be about.  Maybe it will give me some rest and some enjoyment with my family so I am ready to tackle what comes next.

I just listened.  In that moment I was so happy that he is my man.  I told him that too.  I said that's what I love about him.  He's so supportive and open and truthful and wise.  I'm going to listen to him.  Against my usual judgment.  Against all of the things I was taught as a kid.  Despite the noise that tells me that I'm being lazy and that I need to get right to work.

I realized in that moment that my weirdness and embarrassment at not working has a lot to do with my own self criticism.  That I take things that my boyfriend and other people say and I add a lot of judgment to it.  Because...because of a lot of things: Dad, life, how hard I am on myself.  I make myself suffer more than I need to.  Because that's what I was taught.

Just when I thought I had exhausted the amount of LETTING GO I need to do.  There's more.

A Direction, Not The Direction

Just as much as I'm practicing the principles of LETTING GO and SAYING YES, encompassed with that is the principle of SURRENDERING.  I have always had an idea of the direction I want to go in and have pursued that with energy and vision.  That has served me well, but what I'm trying to practice now is surrender.  Oprah Winfrey says, "When you've done everything you possibly can, just surrender it to the Universe."

I'm looking at my calendar and it's indicating a certain direction.  It may not be the direction, but it's a direction.

Today I have a conference call about a play that's being read in DC next month.  We're going to discuss what I want from the reading and what's still troubling me about the play.  Thursday, I have another discussion with a local theatre company about the same play to discuss what the play is about and what I'm trying to achieve.   Then on Saturday, my writers group is getting together and I'm supposed to be presenting new pages.

Next week I have dinner with a literary manager at South Coast Rep.  Then the holiday party for the Playwrights group I'm a member of, which will include a lot of theatre professionals and other writers.  Then that weekend I'm attending three new play readings.

In January, I'm doing a mini-workshop of a play I wrote this year.  Then I'm going back to Santa Clara to guest lecture on the business of getting representation.  Hopefully, I can get some meetings set up with some necessary folks in the Communications and English departments re: me teaching there again.    

And in February, I'm going back to Santa Clara for another lecture.

Is that the direction, I should be going in.  I don't know.  But I do know that my calendar is filled with a lot of theatre and education related events.  So I'm just going to keep going forward and fill my time in between with the writing I need to be doing.  And we'll just take it from there.

Saying Yes to TEACHING

A couple of weeks ago I went back up to Santa Clara University (where I taught last Fall) to go visit some of my former students and see my friends and colleagues.

It started when I got a phone call from some of the male students who were in a study group for their Dramaturgy class.  They were all in the Fall show, The Three Muskateers, and asked if I would come see them in the show.

I said YES, I'd try.  Then I thought about it some more in the week following.  I wanted to see my friend Veronica, who I hadn't seen since May.  We had worked together on a project up there.  I always stayed with V and her fiancé James.  I missed them.  And I always worry about my friend V.  She's at a crossroads in her life as well, but feeling very stuck.  I relate to that.  I felt stuck for years before I walked out of my relationship two years ago.  I even have given V my copy of Bethenny Frankel's "A Place of Yes" because it had been very helpful for me.

So I reach out to them to see if I could stay with them for the weekend.  They said YES.

Then I thought since I was going to be up there and I had been putting out some feelers and looking for teaching jobs, that maybe I could see if I could set up a meeting with the Communications Department at SCU to see about teaching screenwriting or TV writing as an adjunct professor.  I had reached out to my old boss, the head of the Theatre Department.  She said that she would set something up for me.  This was on a Monday and I was going to be up there on Friday.  By Wednesday morning, I hadn't heard anything, so I reached out again.  On Thursday night, I got an email that the person who she tried to put me in contact with had a booked schedule on Friday.  I had my doubts whether my former boss had reached out when I asked her, but I LET IT GO.

Then I had coffee with a former colleague and we discussed my desire to teach.  I thought of reaching out to the Comm Department because maybe I could teach one class in the theatre department and one class in the Comm Department to make it worth my while.  He liked that idea and actually confirmed the idea that this person had dropped the ball.  Without going into major details about the conversation to protect the identity of the person I had coffee with, an idea sprouted.  This person is a person of influence.  And he said he'd set up the meetings for me.  He then asked me if I would be willing to relocate and how my boyfriend would feel about that.  He said that he wanted to find a way to make me a colleague again.  This is someone who possibly would have the resources to affect a change and avoid some of the red tape.  He's also a person who shared his vision of what the theatre department could be.  And that's when I lit up.  His vision was about making the theatre education relevant to careers that extend beyond being an actor, writer, performer, director, or technician.  Maybe the department tries to see itself and the skills attained through that degree program as applicable to other fields like law, psychology, architecture, PR, speech writing, etc.  That's a progressive approach that I would like to be involved in.  This conversation was filled with YESes.

Then I came back home.  On the night of the Presidential Election (another night of big YESes), my friend Tim suggested that I just write up some syllabi of the courses I would want to teach, in case I was ever asked to present something.  This past week I went through the course descriptions and requirements and created four syllabi.  I have two other syllabi I could create for courses I could teach.  That means I could teach six classes covering both departments.  Actually, I just thought of another one.  More YESes.

I don't know if teaching is the path.  But I like the idea of affecting change using my skills.  If that's through teaching and this opportunity, I welcome that.  If it's through working in TV and it's a direct way to affect change, I welcome that.

Although, it was interesting to note that my mentor from college said to me at lunch that she had a feeling that I was moving back up to the Bay Area.  I'm not sure if she's a clairvoyant, but she's definitely someone in my life who I feel is in touch and in tune with something metaphysical.

In the meantime, I'm being here now.

A Professor Prepares

I've decided on an outfit for tomorrow.

Is there anything else I need to prepare?

Hee hee...

I've been preparing for the past month for this course. From the first moment I got the email, I started thinking of what I would be teaching and how I would be teaching. But teaching is all about presentation. At least in my estimation. But I guess I would say that about most things.

Cooking is all about presentation.
Working out is all about presentation.
Chives are all about presentation.

I guess the thing I need to make sure I do is keep it together. I have so many feelings about this experience. I'm going back to the place where I became a playwright. The first five minutes of this class convinced me that this was my calling. And now I'm giving something back. It's only fitting that this could be the start of everything.

I'm laying the foundation for this next chapter in my life. Maybe we're calling it Act Two. Maybe we're calling it Act One, Scene Ten. I don't know. But I know it's different than what has come before. I've got a new man in my life, a man who's supportive and excited about what I'm doing and who I am. I've been submitting plays to all of the places that I should be submitting plays to. I'm going to get in the face of the SF theatre folks.

And I'm going to do it looking fierce. I've got scarves. I've got crisp white shirts. I've got pinstripes. I've got black rimmed classes. I've got cap toe oxfords in burgundy. I've got hats. I've got cardigans...very college professor, very Mister Rogers, very Fall 2011. If you're trying to inspire, then you need to inspire students to come with their A game. And I'm bringing my A game from head to toe.

But seriously...

I am going to look HOT.

No, but seriously again...

I've got my lesson for tomorrow ready. I've got the whole Quarter worked out, which will change I'm sure as the course goes on. But I'm prepared with SOMETHING, even though that something might change. I'm excited to work with this group of writers and to see where this all goes.

One more glance at this week's plan and then I'm off to the spa and my Dad's nutritionist appointment and then dinner with my Mom and Godmother. And then a little Dancing with the Stars and then bed. I need to be up by 5 AM tomorrow. Crazy!

Back from Vacay (Again)

I just got back from a week in Portland visiting my brother and his family. I was out there for a theatre festival and to just hang with my beautiful niece and her baby brother who's still baking in the oven.

Spending family time and theatre time was a great way for me to just get myself re-calibrated for my upcoming teaching stint and to have a productive Fall of writing.

I've been mainly focused on setting up my class and sending out submissions and I haven't done much writing. But that's all right. I will get writing done once classes start next week.

I'm going to spend the time in Santa Clara going to theatre, teaching and working out. Then the weekends are going to be about writing and the Drummer (who, by the way, is officially the Boyfriend - but I'm going to continue to refer to him as the Drummer and sometimes the Drummer Boyfriend).

I need to divide my life up so that I'm getting all of my goals accomplished in the next 10 weeks.

The Portland trip was good because I got to eat my face off - I need to drop some serious lbs before The Drummer Boyfriend gets back from Wisconsin next week. I've got a week to get myself into tip top shape. And that's just for myself. Which is exactly who it should be for.

I am not giving up my single body just because I'm dating someone. And neither should he...and I don't think he has the intention to do that either. We are both our own people and need to keep our identity.

Despite the fact that we both like each other so much we want to eat the other's face off.

I have a lot of writing to do in the next few months before the end of the year. I've got this new play to finish soon so that I can get to work on this new screenplay I want to write. And I have to figure out a new one hour drama to write. Not sure if I'm going to pick up and try to work out my art thieves drama or not. I have to find a good story to make it fun, sexy and worthwhile.

I've done a lot of writing this year so far. I finished a play. I wrote five or six drafts of the pilot. I'm finishing another play. I'm writing my face off. And I'm hoping the teaching schedule will just make me more disciplined. I also have this other play I want to workshop with students, which might take up some time.

As always, I want to get a shitload of things done. But I work best when I work a lot. And since my schedule is my own, everything can be focused on all of this theatre work I'm generating.

So the vacay did the trick. I'm refreshed and ready to take on the Fall. I'm also ready to have lots of hot sex with my hot boyfriend. He really is a fine man. And possibly the sweetest individual ever. He really does have a wonderful heart and reminds me that I should be leading with MY heart at all times. I have a big heart too, but sometimes I get caught up in being so tough or so aggressive. It's nice to just be who I am and to let that light shine though.

I'm happy that he's in Wisconsin with his family, but I can't wait until I get to be naked with him again soon, wrapped up in his body.

But in the mean time, I have plenty to do. The past two weeks of vacay have been wonderful. And the next ten weeks (with some breaks for a SF weekend and maybe an NYC trip) will be equally wonderful as well.

Ready to take it on. Very excited to reconnect with some friends from college. It's going to be an awesome Fall.

The Teacher Within

My favorite yoga teacher, Natasha, announced that she was leaving to move up to the Bay Area. And since her last class is this weekend, I'll be missing it since I'll be out of town. But we're going to try and see each other while I'm in the Bay Area for the next few months. As I've mentioned in various places around this blog, whenever I take class with Natasha I feel like I take something away that's really important.

So it's sad that she's leaving because I adore her so much and I feel like she has given me so much in the short few months I've taken with her. It makes me feel like I shouldn't have taken her for granted and that I should have gone to every class of hers. You just never think that such a great teacher is going to go away. I honestly have only taken four or five classes with Natasha, but I went to them knowing that I would have a place of solace.

Maybe knowing how we all feel about her, she had a special theme for our class today. Today's class was about the idea that we have a teacher within ourselves. So even when you have a teacher that you love and they go away, the purpose of that teacher is that they are supposed to help us find the lessons that already exist within us.

Then she started crying. It was unexpected for herself and for us. Then I started getting emotional. My friend Nicole and I just looked at each other. It was so honest.

Then she had us shut our eyes and think about how we can learn the things that are already inside of us. How can we be teachers to ourselves, so that the lessons are never lost, so that those teachers are always within us? And how can we be teachers to each other.

Then it was my turn. I lost it. As my eyes were closed, I started crying. Like always, Natasha spoke to the exact place I was in that moment. I'm going to teach for the first time next month. And I've learned from my great teachers. The best ones are the ones who give of themselves. And I have to say that even though I only have known Natasha for a short period of time and we didn't have a lot of actual time together, she has taught me so much about teaching. And she's the person I'm going to be thinking of as I start on this new adventure with my students.

She's always so open. Every class began with an idea. Sometimes a Sanskrit word that we focus on. Then she strings it through the class. So that every movement, every pose, every stretch is filtered through the idea of that class. It's a real merger of the body, mind and spirit and that synthesis really improves the experience of the other areas. The body experience deepens the mind and spirit, the thought of the idea deepens the practice of the body and the spirit. And the spiritual connection allows us to stretch deeper, feel things more as well as opens up new thought and ideas about the concept of the class. It's really beautiful.

And her spirit is just beautiful. She has the best smile, the cutest body, the most articulate instrument--voice and body--to guide us through. It inspires me to be more, to leave each student with a gift. And it teaches me that having a high aspiration for each class is not a bad thing. People keep saying that these students might not write again, might not be interested in theatre, might not be receptive. That I shouldn't challenge them too much.

But I remember my first playwriting teacher. He just inspired by doing. We kept going along because he was the pied piper. So I'm going to have a vision for this class. I know how I'm structuring it. I just got my text books in the mail today. So now I can finish my lesson plans. I have a lot to read and to prepare. Now I just have to fill in the vision with the details of what we will be doing each class.

The other thing that Natasha said today was that no one can do your practice like you can. It's completely yours and unique to you. And that's true of my class. It's true of everything I am. No one does what I do. No one writes the plays I write. No one has characters like the characters I have. No one phrases things like I do. It's easy to look on someone else's paper. Their successes. Their accolades and want that. But that's not mine. My successes and accolades are on record and the future ones are to come. No one can take away my past, present or future successes either.

That encouragement allows me to go deeper into my practice in yoga class. When I hear encouragement, I go deeper, I feel things more and I get more out of it. I never feel like it's impossible. Today I did the Crow Pose for the first time EVER. I just decided that I would do it before Natasha left. And then I launched right into it. My fear completely disappeared. The doubt washed away and I was off the ground. Like everything, you just have to find a way to do it.

And like my yoga practice, once I put my mind to things, the obstacles just fall away. It has always been that way throughout my life without fail. I survived my childhood--the relentless teasing and name calling (sissy, faggot, girl). I survived my home life--the relentless yelling and put downs. I made it into the high school of my dreams. I went to a wonderful college that I'm going back to in three weeks to continue the cycle of learning. I went to the grad school of my dreams in the city of my dreams and I survived. And a lot of fear and resistance got the best of me. But even that was the important lesson for me to get to this place. I had to be tested and I had to learn to trust in myself. I had to learn that I'm enough, complete and ready now.

Becoming the teacher means that I'm no longer the student. I'm no longer the person without expertise and I can stand tall in that knowledge. It's this knowledge that will allow me to move forward in my pursuits instead of hiding behind the idea that I only have things to learn and I can't speak my voice with authority.

I have been afraid of that transition my whole life. But now I know it's my destiny. It's the teacher within that is now the teacher inside and out.

Thanks, Natasha. I'm super grateful.

Confirmation

So I'm having a good time with The Drummer. We are laughing a lot, having great sex, and truly making some great connections.

The Old Me would say that this is confirmation that he's The One. My Present Self would say that this is confirmation that he is Someone Who Should Be in My Life. When I think back about my Ex, at this six week point I did think he was The One. Now I know that he wasn't. But was he Someone Who Should Be in My Life at that time? Yes. He was someone I needed in my life and I'm the better for his presence in it because I had a lot of lessons to learn that I could have only learned if he was in my life.

I'm going back to the idea of The Drummer and I taking things moment by moment. And in this moment I'm glad that he's in my life. He has shown me so much kindness and sweetness and I don't have to go searching around to find out how he feels about me. I know exactly how he feels about me every moment of the day. There is no guess work. And I'm still not subscribing to this whole conversation of him being The One.

My friend Nicole asked me after yoga today if I was in Love? Isn't that funny that everyone subscribes to this idea that you can know if you've in Love with someone new in your life in six weeks? I like him and I like where this is going. And I told her the following story to let her know how deep it's getting (but this still doesn't mean that I'm in Love or that he's The One):

After I had gotten the news about the teaching gig, I called my brother and told him about it. My brother's reaction was tremendous and he shared with me that he wishes he was better at teaching. He wants to be a better mentor to people because he had so many people who had mentored him. I never knew that my brother feels exactly the same way I do about teaching and mentoring. This why I think that maybe I might have a gift for it.

Upon hearing the story, The Drummer looked at me and said, "You're the special one in your family." I smiled because I thought that was genuinely nice, but I went on to explain how amazing my brother is. My brother is an incredible scholar and a scientist. He stopped me. He explained that he wasn't trying to say that my brother isn't amazing. But that it was clear to him that I was the special one in my family. And when you're the special one, it takes a while for people to understand that. He was looking me straight in the face when he said this and I didn't even have the inclination to crack a joke. Nothing about that statement felt uncomfortable, but it also seemed like such a statement of someone seeing me that I still felt it was weird that he saw me in that way only six weeks in.

Then I had another experience yesterday when I was talking to my Mother about the fact that my Grandmother had always said that I should be a teacher. And that it was interesting that I was finally doing it. Then my Mom shared a story about how my Grandmother told her once that I should be a teacher because I had a real gift. She said that not everyone had the gift I had. Yes, my Brother was really smart and popular and everyone liked him. But I was special.

My jaw dropped. I then shared with my Mom what The Drummer had said. It was almost exactly what my Grandmother had said. I was floored.

Two things. This is not a story to dis my Brother. I think my brother is going to do amazing things. He's done HIV research and he's working in the field of infectious diseases. I think my brother's going to contribute to some work that will change the world. I have no doubt that my brother is that talented. I'm not sharing this story to basically say that I'm a rock star and my brother's not. And honestly, I feel a little guilty about putting this on here. But I think there's a point here. People in my life see something in me that I'm slow to see. And I need to get on board. If I'm going to do anything big in life, then I need to be confident in the power I possess. I think we all do.

The second thing: I still don't think that this means that The Drummer is "The One." I don't believe in that concept any more. I believe that this is true confirmation that he's incredibly intuitive or my Grandmother spoke through him or both. But the way he looked at me was that of a person delivering a message. I'd
like to think that he's intuitive and he really sees me. That's powerful.

But what I do know is that the two of us are exactly where we need to be right now...in this moment. And as long as this keeps working, then we're going to keep working at it.

Easy to Be Hard

For me, it's easy to work myself up into a lather about all the things I want to do. From the time I was a kid, it was drilled in my head by my Father that you should have to put as many obstacles in your way to get something done. Somehow it was a badge of honor to work really hard because it proves that what you're doing is worthwhile. It is somehow a statement of value.

This is something I'm learning continually in my life...it doesn't have to be so hard. Sometimes effort is a sign of strain. And you don't have to overcome "impossible odds" to emerge triumphant. Because once you believe that, then you just start throwing things in your way to make it harder.

Here's how this has laid out in my life lately:

So I'm putting together my syllabus for the Playwriting course I'm teaching in a month. And I'm getting my lessons and my writing exercises and my assignments together. That's a lot of work.

But I also have a few deadlines coming up for play development opportunities. And some of these opportunities pay. Actually, ALL of them pay which is a nice thing. I have a play that I'm working on that I've been trying to finish for this East/West Players deadline. It's also the play I was going to submit for this commission at Clubbed Thumb in NYC. I've been running myself ragged to finish. The East/West thing pays $5K. The Clubbed Thumb pays $15K. And even though I don't have to have a complete play for Clubbed Thumb, I want to finish it for East/West. Then I had a revelation.

Why am I trying to rush to finish the rewrite of this play for $5K? What I should be doing is making sure the 10 page sample I have to turn in for Clubbed Thumb is the most rocking thing ever. And there are ways I'm trying to rip this play a new asshole and write something far darker, scarier and crazier than I've ever written. It's an experiment for me. So do I want to write a rushed version that fits the criteria for $5K or do I want to write something spectacular in 10 pages that really pushes my boundaries for $15K?

That's when I realized...why am I working so hard?

I can turn in the play that was a finalist for the O'Neill this year, which is done and polished. And that might even have a BETTER chance at winning the 5K. Plus if I turned in the play I'm finishing and I got BOTH, then I'd have to decide between 5K and 15K because both are supposed to be world premieres. Of course, that's a high class problem. But if I did have it, I'd be out 5K. But if I got both and the two plays were different, then I'd have 20K. So again...why work so hard to cheat myself out of a pay off? And then I'd have TWO plays out there for world premieres in the next 12 months.

Plus I can just do my submissions tomorrow, so I'm putting some good productive ACTIVE energy out there. And all the times I've done that lately, it's paid off BIG TIME. So I'm going to do my East West Submission and another submission for the Marin Theatre Company with the same play. And with the Marin Theatre Company submission, I believe I can still have a play that has had a professional reading, but not a production. So if I also get the East West thing, I can do BOTH because one is a reading and one is the possibility of a production. So that would be ANOTHER $2500.

So by NOT working as hard, I can increase my chances of earning $22.5K. Holy moley! I like this not working hard thing.

But it just teaches me that my original instinct is to make myself work harder, maybe rush something and decrease my payoff. Just for the sake of saying I WORKED HARD. The thing is that I have a play that has been a finalist for the O'Neill and it still hasn't been produced. It hasn't really been developed professionally yet. In a way, it's passive income. It's a play that's already finished and has got terrific response.

Now I can FOCUS on getting the idea for this play down. The idea for this play and where I want to go with it is a lot darker than anything I've written. I also know that I have to go to some pretty raw, deep and dark places within my own psyche and personal history. I'm not ready to do that in an entire play right now. I don't think I've had enough distance yet. But I can pour that into TEN PAGES. And by the time I get this commission, I'll be ready to dive deep and get dark, dirty and nasty with this play. I'll be ready to cover this play in my creative semen...metaphorically bukkake the shit out of it. So it's also buying me some time.
And that seems a lot less intimidating, which is the whole reason I've been procrastinating and putting off finishing it. But I also want to get a bit experimental on this shit.

And by the time I'm ready to work on this commission, I will have seen all of this great theatre in Portland that's wild and freaky and loose. Then I will have started teaching and will be reading all of these plays that I LOVE all over again and I'll be teaching them. I will have so much inspiration and theatre energy that I'll be ready and brave enough to take this on.

I have to remember to take it easy on myself...because the hard work lies ahead of me. Why make it harder?