Five Months Later...

This blog started out as a documentation of a break up. Then I found love. And then we broke up. The documentation of that break up was essentially four blog posts.

Over the past five months since my last post, I have had a lot of career and creative triumphs. I got staffed on a show, I started developing a show, and I'm a new member of a theatre company I've long admired. Great distractions from emotions. I just got back from a trip to see my brother and his family in Portland. Then at the airport I got news that brought it all back full circle.

Apparently, The Drummer has a new boyfriend. I was talking to my friend Andrea last night and I had a feeling that he would start dating before I started dating. I'm definitely not ready to date. I'm trying to figure out the other shit too. I had a crazy time at the bathhouse this weekend where I was thrown against a wall--in a passionate way, by a guy who was passionate and drunk. I needed to release some tension. I'm not ready to date, but I want a little bit of intimacy. I'm not sure how to navigate that yet, so I'm just ignoring that part of my life. But when I find out The Drummer has a new boyfriend, I can't ignore my feelings.

If I'm being 100 percent honest with myself, I was hoping that he would be single for awhile. In my mind, that would mean that he needed time to get over the relationship. But there's no better way to get over one relationship than to get into another one, right? I had a two hour conversation with The Drummer about a few weeks ago, when he was clearly already dating this guy. I had confronted him about the fact that he needed to make an effort if he wanted us to be friends, like he claimed he wanted. But why would you want to be friends with your ex when you're in the midst of getting to know someone new? There's no motivation for that. The answer to why he wasn't reaching out to be more was right in front of my face. It's the most obvious reason.

And I've been holding on. I'm not acting like we're broken up. But I don't want to get back together either. I'm stringing myself along. So it's officially over. He's got someone new. That didn't take long. This friend told me in a way that was the equivalent of spitting on a dick and shoving it in me. No lube, no warning, not "just the tip." Full penetration.

"So I'm having a party and I wanted to invite you and ________ and his boyfriend. I wanted to make sure that was okay."

Boyfriend?
Excuse me?
I didn't know he had a boyfriend.
My friend knew I didn't know he had a boyfriend. I don't think she was trying to stir the pot. And it really felt like this disclosure was about making her party special.
I'm really not sure why she told me, other than to make sure I was used to the idea by the time of her party, which she mentioned.
It wasn't to be hurtful, I'm clear on that.

And in that moment I thought all the things you're not supposed to think:

• How does he have a boyfriend already?
• Was he working on this when we were together?
• He's cuter than me. He has to be cuter than me.
• He's more of a grown up. He drives a better car than me.
• Why couldn't he tell me himself?

And then I remembered that The Drummer wasn't the most direct guy. I don't know if he put our friend up to the task--indirectly or directly. And then I realized he hasn't changed. These were the reasons we're not together anymore.

• He's got to make it all seem okay when it's not.
• He wasn't going to tell me, but he was going to keep refusing my invitations to meet up.
• I was making all of the effort when he was disinterested.

And then I felt a lot of guilt. Like I had pushed him away and then he retreated and then it became this pattern back and forth. I felt sorry for myself for a good hour or so. I texted a bunch of friends for sympathy. Classic Me.

Then I thought about it some more. It's over. I need to believe that it's over. I need to move on. Not into someone else's arms. But into my own arms. I need to embrace myself and love myself and date myself for a while. I don't want to be with anyone. Maybe I was scared to be alone. Maybe that's why I stayed so long. I loved him. I wasn't suffering. But it had just gotten so complacent and I was part of that. For some reason we weren't allowing each other to grow.

I know I don't want to be back with him. And I'm honestly bummed that he's got a boyfriend. I'd like to be a bigger person, but I'm not. Not tonight, anyway.

I am grateful for friends who have kicked me in the ass.

I am grateful for the love we had.

I am grateful for the ability and capacity to move on.

I am grateful that life has been good to me.

I am grateful for distracting airport Direct TV that has Bravo.

I am grateful for Bethenny Frankel and her one liners.