The Master Cleanse

This second half of the year for me is all about reinforcing the things I learned about myself in the first half of the year. Once I ended my relationship, my career started to take off. In the past month or so, I've forgotten some of those lessons because I started to get nostalgic about the relationship. Finding out that my ex has moved on with a new boyfriend has really made clear that that part of my life is over. And it's good to know that I can't go back to it, even in my head.

The first half of the year was about work. The second half of this year is a return to that. I took a bit of a respite because work was so draining. But now it's time to get back to it. And if the psychic I met last month had accurate predictions, things are about to get busy. I've decided to cleanse myself a bit from a few things in my life. And that will be a lot more difficult than just restricting myself from certain foods.

• No one night stands. As I type this, I get scared. That includes hook ups. I'd rather not say "celibacy" because I'm going to masturbate. But I'm going to go into gyms, korean spas, supermarkets, parties and other public events with no agenda to hook up. And I'm not going to hook up if the opportunity presents itself. I've never done this. I've thought about doing it, but I've never done it.
• Sobriety. I've done three sober months in the first six months of the year. I don't need alcohol. I've had some booze in the past month. I realized that I don't need it. It's fun, but I'm not getting wasted. So if I'm not getting wasted, then why drink at all? And I don't mean that to say that I should be getting blitzed. I mean that to say that I'm drinking to be social, but it's having no real effect on me. So if I don't need to drink to forget or cope, then why am I drinking?
• Whole 30. I'm going back on the Whole 30 for at least a month to see how I do on it again. But this time I'm going to do it as a culinary challenge. I'm going to focus on making recipes and not on the health benefits. I want to have an adventure with the types of recipes I can make. I want to do different culinary things. There are things in my diet that I like that I'm going to try and replicate. 
• Meditation. I start a three week meditation course on Monday. That will jump start my practice again. I need to be meditating at least once a day. It does such good things for me and that's what my body and my mind want to do. They want to spend more time in silence.
• Exercise. The last time I did my Whole 30, I hardly exercised. I want to see bigger results this time around, all around. And I think that exercising will help me get there. The things that work for me are cardio--spinning, dancing and running. I'd like to try to evolve and add more weight training to that. But more hard core circuit type stuff and boot camp type stuff. I've changed my mind and now I want to change my body so I can change my mind even deeper. I need to look different to support how different I am.

When my Dad died, I shaved my head to signify how different I felt. Now I want to change my body to feel how different I am. I have my Cize workouts that I can do. I have my gym membership and the spinning that I love doing. I should go back and take spin classes to at least get me disciplined. I'm thinking of swimming at the local gym as well to just test out how that makes me feel. Doing laps. I want my body to change and I want to see a different person in the mirror. Not out of vanity. But because I need to see a different person looking back at me to show me the change I have made. It's not just about something superficial like a haircut or a tattoo. It's literally morphing my body into something different to show the change that I've made.

I'm realizing that the ex didn't make all the changes after our relationship ended to hurt me. He made those changes because that's who he really is. And I've made changes to show who I really am. We were not being our true selves together. And I don't need to write him to tell him that. It's enough that I have written it here and that I know. I'm forgiving myself for not feeling adequate enough to keep him. And in forgiving myself, I have forgiven him.

I am grateful for the understanding in my heart.

I am grateful for the things I know about myself.

I am grateful to be in a new place in my life.

I am grateful to be truly happy.

I am grateful.